Vimbai_Murindagomo
of reading
79
Read books
Interesting opening to a high school romance flick. Seeing it from the perspective of a teenage girl gives an interesting insight into the feelings on the other side of the gender discourse. The pace is not bad either. I would advise you take time to proof read your work though. Otherwise not a bad job at all.
I read chapter 1 and I have to say the book has this corporate, steel and glass feel that I just love. Apart from a few and I mean a very few grammatical errors which I feel could have been corrected if you bothered to proof read your work, I impressed and looking forward to more catch up with the rest of the story.
Author this is a amazing. A most compelling read. Though personally I would not want to reincarnated as a girl lol! Great plot I must say, very fast pace story that draws the reader to keep going deeper. Save for a few grammatical errors the storyline is perfect and quite compelling. Very nicely done đ!
I found myself pleasantly enjoying the book. It is well paced and there is something about the simplicity of the opening which is quite appealing. That is despite the presence of some errors in tense and grammar, which fascinatingly enough do not take anything away from a very enjoyable storyline. Again the plot is amazingly simply and quite enjoyable. Well done on creating a story that is easy to follow and makes for pleasant reading.
Good plot, great storyline. As always you have a unique plot which entices the reader to want more. However there are some glaring weaknesses that I noted you might want to attend to. In chapter 1 you make reference to a cabin house, which is like over kill. Use of cabin already gives the picture of a wooden or log house. You go on to describe Avita in chapter 2 as, wearing 'some glasses', the use of some in that case is inappropriate. I would suggest you go with, ...'wearing eye glasses or simply glasses. You have a great story which I believe would read even better if you change present tense to past tense, do that you are doing more of narrating. You did a great job of that in, Online Cougar System, and please proof read your work. Otherwise I love the way you are building up the story. The way you ended chapter1 is a quite a cliffhanger. The way you proceed to chapter 2 where we are now seeing Avita years later, brilliant.
Hats to you Adira. You have done a superb job with this offering. Initially the story is low however building up to end chapter 1 on a most interesting cliff hanger. There are some errors that I noted in chapter 1 to do with mixing of tenses right at the onset of the story. Then there was the passage where you wrote, "...she whispered there is someone..." This in the context of someone who lives alone. They would most likely think and not whisper that there is someone in the house. Beyond which I found the build up quite enjoyable especially as it begins to gain in pace. Got job.
The story is as amazing as it is powerful. It is completely immersive and different anything I have read to date with it's clash of magical powers.The plot is just brilliant and the fast pace is addictive making the reader unable to put the book down. Congratulations on coming up with a masterpiece.
I read chapter1 and was left with the impression of the beginning of a very interesting story full of intrigue. The storyline is well plotted and evenly placed with clear descriptions of the backdrop in which the story is unfolding.
Interesting storyline that's for sure.