"Was I always this ready?"

Two months seemed to pass by quickly. I still didn't know what to do, what to do with the child, what to do with me...

It's always this never ending flow of guilt, regret and all that shit that makes you feel doomed all the time, you start blaming yourself for even the tiniest of things, for something that wasn't even your fault.

But there I am, torturing myself with my very own words. It's sometimes funny how things turn out to be, but sometimes it's not...

I still don't know how to carry on brightly when I am bearing a child with me, who doesn't even have a proper family, a child without a father is not an easy thing to go with...

The thought of giving birth to this child haunts me, but deep down there's something that makes me feel good about it, good to be with someone who's my very own....This feeling's not capturing my brain, but it seems that it's got a tiny place crept out for itself somewhere in my heart, though I don't wish for it...

Maybe it's not wrong to say that motherhood's a sweet abstract, even when it's not supposed to be...

1st November, 2010

"Just another day with the baby. Who could have thought my life would have taken such a great ride throughout...

Well, as it turns out, I am scared, again...

I am scared that if I talk out this shit with someone, maybe, they're gonna hurt me and I am tired of being hurt all the time...

So all I can do for now is, hide all that is goin' on with me from all, from all the people I feel are close to me...

For now, this is just a never ending loop of despair I don't wanna reveal, ever...

Thanks for listening to my heart...

Yours,

Lean"

Now that I was to carry on with the baby, as I'd decided, I had to change everything, everything about myself, everything about the condition I lived in...

I knew it was a quick decision but it is what it is...

If I had to carry on with not loading anyone with questions that I'd have to eventually answer, I had to leave, as soon as I can...

15th November

"With this, Sir, I'd like to hand over my resignation letter...Thanks for all the support that you'd given me throughout the course of my work..."

"It's rather unexpected, but if this is what you want, I won't force it on you...You may take a leave..."

I gasped.

I'd known this office for more than what I'd expected I would. The fragrance of its walls, the talks on breaks, Denn, and all others....I knew I'd miss them all, but this was for the best for sure...

I had to have a fresh start...

"Lean!! Hey!"

"Oh...Denna..hey..."

"I'm still pissed at you for leaving the office unannounced but atleast you should get a farewell party for yourself.."

"I'd have loved that but I have the flight by 6...so yaaa...I really am sorry Den, will miss ya for sure..."

"Oh yeah? Fine, then...Just call me once you reach there and yup, don't forget to call me from time to time...and yaa do something with that tummy of yours...You seem really fat these days, you know that?"

The next hour just spent by crying...it was all just worth it...

I had not yet told anyone about the pregnancy, and I chose never to do so...

I knew I had to tell lies, break many promises to move on, but thiswas something that was for me...

Finally, was I able to be selfish enough to care solely for my good, and I don't really know if I regret my decision or not...

But, anyhow, I managed to escape, from my past, indeed...