Chapter 43 - Post-Enies Lobby Pt 1

Cross-Brain AN: We finally did it. We've reached the top 10. This is the final stretch of our climb to the top, and while surpassing the titans that have established themselves as the top 10 will be the hardest part, we've made it this far. And we're not stopping anytime soon.

Hornet AN: Apropos of nothing, I'm quite pleased I got to properly use the sentences "But first, we need a reaction to her telling physics to bite the pillow." and "So, first off, we need to un-orphan that punchline." while we were writing this.

Cross-Brain AN: Aside from that, our sincerest apologies, loyal fans, but we'll be having to split our planned novel-length chapter in half.

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Because we were already hitting 50,000 words at the halfway mark. That, and the cruel beyond all cruelty cliffhanger waiting at the end of this chapter was just too good to pass up.

Xomniac AN: You know what they say: The bigger they come…

It was two days after the incident, and my mind was still reeling from everything that had happened in that time. First, of course, was the memory of the literally divine-sent miracle, which was still enough to make me start laughing from unadulterated joy whenever I thought about it.

…right up until things got scary on account of Merry straight up collapsing in my arms, barely even conscious.

Yeah, see, while becoming a human-ship meant that Merry could now heal from her life-threatening injuries, the fact remained that she actually had life-threatening injuries. The way said injuries translated from carpentry to biology? In the form of her all but being torn in half at the waist beneath her raincoat, along with over a dozen other gaping wounds plaguing her tiny frame.

It had been the very definition of touch and go, with all of us scrambling to get Merry onboard Iceburg's ship and into the vessel's medical bay without aggravating her injuries too badly, followed up by Chopper bodily flinging all of us sans Franky from the room.

The time after that was… beyond tense, with all of us waiting outside the room with bated breath for some sign, any sign of Merry's current condition.

And once that time was up, when Chopper and Franky emerged, weary and bloodstained, we had our answer: Merry was, without a doubt, going to live. She'd have a gaping gash of a scar across her back for the rest of her days and she couldn't take off the metal anklets and choker she was sporting without something falling apart, but she would live. And thanks to Franky's expertise and a number of 'just in case' blueprints of his, even in spite of one of her vertebrae being messily fractured, after a few days of rest, physical therapy and crutches, she'd even be able to walk.

Still… happy as the news was, it wasn't all rainbows and sunshine.

-o-

"So… Merry can never become a ship again?" Usopp asked quietly, his air of quiet horror shared between us all.

"I'm sorry, Usopp," Chopper said, shaking his head sadly as he wiped the blood off of his hands. "But yes. Not without dying."

"It all goes back to that damn crack again," Franky explained with a heavy sigh. "See, while we might have been able to patch her up so that she's fine while she's human, I can tell you as a shipwright that the reinforcement we've put in just won't hold up for even a second if she tries to return to her ship form. If she ever tried to go back…" He snapped his fingers with a grim look. "She'd be ripped in half by her own weight. Sorry, guys, but it doesn't matter how long we wait or what we do. Our initial summary was right: the Going Merry's days as your ship are done."

"Oh, Ra…" Vivi whispered hoarsely.

Solemn silence seasoned with horror fell over us all. It lasted for half a minute…

"That's fine."

Before our captain's serious-mode voice broke it.

"Luffy—!" Nami started indignantly.

"What?" the rubber man blinked at her in honest confusion. "You guys all heard her, right? Merry said that her dream is to sail the seas with us, and our goal coming to Water 7 was to make it so that that could happen. Who cares if she can't become a ship anymore? She's still alive and with us, and she can still live her dream." He tilted his head to the side. "Isn't that good enough?"

Yet another silence fell on the room, only this time it was more dumbstruck than anything.

"From dumbass to savant in the blink of an eye," Su deadpanned before glancing at Chopper. "Hey, you managed to make yourself freakishly smart, any chance you can replicate the miracle in this rubber-brain?"

"Hmm… it is a possibility, and an intriguing one, at that. I'll start researching righ—" Chopper's musings were cut off as he fell face-first onto the floor, his Muscle Point-sized snores shaking the air around us.

We took a moment to glance uncomfortably at one another before Conis slowly raised a finger. "Er… how long were you guys in there?"

"Eh…" Franky clenched an eye shut as he cocked his head to the side. "According to the clock I stuffed between my ears? Two hours. And on that note!" The cyborg promptly keeled over onto his back, adding his own snores to Chopper's chorus.

The rest of us barely had enough time to realize what was coming before the sandman thwacked us upside our collective heads and darkness took us.

-o-

The next thing most of us knew, it was around thirty hours later and the less injured of us were waking up back on Water 7 with absolutely killer headaches. And aches just about everywhere else too, for that matter, because damn if we hadn't pushed our bodies to the absolute maximum over the course of our, quote-unquote, 'little' adventure. And we were the ones actually capable of waking up; Luffy, Merry, Carue, Vivi, Soundbite, and Chopper were all still slumbering, the first three due to their excessive injuries and the latter three on account of just how utterly they'd drained their bodies of energy during the fight.

Of course, we weren't ones to let that impact us. And if the fact that Iceburg, Zambai, the square sisters, and the three Galley-La foremen entered not two minutes after we woke up was any indication, that was either common knowledge or expected at this point.

It was a load off my chest and everyone else's when Zambai confirmed that none of the Franky Family had died, though there was no shortage of major injuries among them, with even Oimo and Kashi walking away from the ordeal with a few new scars, though they were particularly proud of them. Point of fact, pretty much everyone was proud of their new trophies, a fact which I took no small amount of pleasure in lording over a thoroughly disgruntled Nami.

Meanwhile, what Iceburg had to tell us was… somewhat less pleasant. CP9 had caused enough damage on their own, we'd known that as we'd left, but the worst Aqua Laguna in living memory had only served to literally throw inhuman amounts of salt in the wounds. But, and he smirked as he said it, Galley-La would have more than enough time on their hands to fix the damage thanks to their dissolved contracts with the World Government meaning that they no longer had a queue of battleships a mile long to complete.

Now that caught us all up short, and Iceburg wasted no time in explaining his reasoning, which the entire island agreed with. More than agreed with, actually, considering how they seemed ready to form an angry mob when the truth of the 'Mass Resignation from Hell' reached them.

But still, as brash and bold as the move appeared on its surface, the truth of Iceburg's actions extended far past the realms of the obvious and delved to depths of true diabolical genius that had Franky ready to start treating him with respect. And all to get back at the Government.

See, as Mayor of Water 7, while he only had direct control over Galley-La, Iceburg's word was tantamount to law where the rest of the companies on Water 7 were concerned. As such, when Tom's old apprentice sent out the word that Water 7 would no longer be servicing 'all those affiliated with the World Government', he didn't just mean that Galley-La would stop working for the Marines. He meant that the entire island would stop working for anyone affiliated with the World Government.

The significance lay in that while Galley-La was the best company on Water 7, Water 7 held the best shipwrights in all of Paradise. Period. The end result of the embargo was that a large number of nations—Pucci, San Faldo, and St. Poplar among the most immediate—were being stabbed with Morton's Fork but hard: either abandon the World Government's good graces and face all the consequences that that implied head-on, or abandon Iceburg and attempt to face the seas with ships of notably lesser quality than what came out of Water 7.

And considering the Grand Line's general temperament on a good day? Suffice to say that for many, the 'choice' wasn't actually much of a choice at all, and the fact that the World Government had a large number of more hostile secessions to deal with meant that they were getting ample opportunity to batten the hatches for the inevitable retaliation for staying with Iceburg.

Once Iceburg finished explaining the current state of affairs on the island, we moved onto discussing more important matters, I.E. the current states of our injured crewmates. On the surface, everyone who was still out of it looked okay, but in reality… well, simply put, the physician who was looking over us in Chopper's place had quite a bit to say.

-o-

"—shriveled organs, three-quarters of his blood lost, the rest stretched as thin as nori, less hydration than a cactus, more minute tears in his skin than I can count, and fatigue that should have rendered him unconscious two days ago!"

"…Um, doc? He only got those injuries yesterday—" Zambai began.

"EXACTLY!" the sawbones roared as he jabbed his finger at the dismantler. "He's taken 48 hours' worth of Olympic-grade fatigue in a mere sixth of that time. Which leads me to the following diagnosis: EVEN IF HE IS MADE OF RUBBER, IT MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE THAT HE IS STILL BREATHING!"

"…You guys have Olympics?" I asked nobody in particular.

I found no small amount of amusement in the way the poor bastard flung his hands up in the air with a wordless cry of frustration.

"Every decade or so, Mariejois hosts them, and similar smaller events occur in the Blues. I probably would have wound up taking my boys and heading to one of them if I hadn't joined up with you guys," Boss answered, before blinking in confusion. "Ah… apropos of nothing, Cross, I just realized that I'm confused about something, too."

"Huh? What, you already knew that my knowledge isn't that comprehensive."

"No, that's not it," he waved me off. "Soundbite's unconscious, that much is obvious and expected…" Boss eyed Soundbite's audibly snoring shell before gesturing at his throat. "So… how am I still talking?"

I opened my mouth and raised a finger, then reversed the action and scratched the back of my head. "Um… Devil Fruits are bullshit, Awakened Devil Fruits make mere bullshit their bitch?"

Boss stared at me silently before nodding in acceptance. "Your logic is sound."

Before I could say anything else, my attention was caught by a sound not unlike whistling steam starting to fill the room. The origin, as it turned out, appeared to be the good doctor, whose face was slowly turning a rather interesting shade of purple, and I swear his head expanded a little bit.

"He looks like a grape about to pop," Robin wryly observed.

I flashed a grin her way. "Have I mentioned how happy I am to have you back, Robin?"

My pseudo-older-sibling chuckled as she tipped her hat in my direction.

The doctor slowly turned a wild-eyed look on Iceburg, who'd been watching the exchange with no small amount of amusement. "Mister Mayor," he seethed viciously. "I'd like to offer you my official prognosis on the Straw Hat Pirates as a whole."

Iceburg hid a snicker behind his hand. "Aheh, a-ah, yes, and that would be, doctor?"

"They're utterly insane."

Nami gave the poor physician a decidedly unimpressed look. "You haven't been in the Grand Line long, have you?"

"I just wanted to write a freaking thesis, damn it!" the doctor sobbed miserably. "But no, instead I wind up in this loony bin of a geographic location! Why the hell did I take career advice from a little girl who was offering it for a few Beris!?"

"I assume because she's really good at what she does?" Mikey offered with an unrepentant grin.

"Ah, Doctor Maple," Iceburg hastily spoke up as the poor sap of a physician started to turn a demented gaze on the Dugong. "I believe you were informing these fine folks of the current states of their comrades?"

The Doctor continued to twitch for a bit before heavily huffing out as much of his frustration as he could manage and refocusing on the clipboard he was carrying. "Alright… alright… let's see… might as well start with the most normal case here, the princess."

"Grrraagh…"

The doctor cut himself off as a pained gurgle came from the direction of another bed.

"Or… the duck, I suppose. The duck could work, too," he hesitantly conceded.

Said duck was leaning up in his bed, blearily rubbing his head with his bandaged wing. "Ish… Ish she alwight?" he squawked painfully.

"Ah…" I helped the doctor out by jerking my head at Vivi. "Ah! Y-Yes, she's fine! She has some broken bones, a few fractured ribs and scratches a little bit everywhere, and she's suffering from an acute case of exhaustion—nowhere near the levels of that monster you call a captain, mind you—but apart from that she's mostly fine.

"The worst injury she received…" He gestured at Vivi's bandaged midsection. "Would be that, quite frankly, impressive case of road rash that she's sporting on her midsection. That will be leaving quite the scar. Though, heh…" The doctor chuckled mirthlessly as he fiddled with his clipboard. "From what I know of people in your profession, I'm certain she won't mi—!"

"Doctor?"

Sanji's tone was perfectly calm and even, but the doctor nonetheless fell silent. Most likely because of the ambient temperature in the room suddenly ratcheting up a few degrees in spite of Sanji's only motion being to light his cigarette.

"You may not be aware of this, but the sea restaurant Baratie didn't have much in the way of medical treatment. As such, we more often used what we had onboard to make ends meet. Suffice to say that more often than not, the results were…" Sanji sighed out a roiling cloud of smoke. "Not that positive. In light of this information, I recommend that unless you'd like me to demonstrate some of those treatments firsthand, you refrain from finishing that sentence. Is that clear?"

The doctor's fearful whimper was answer enough.

Meanwhile, ignoring the exchange, Carue slowly began struggling to get to his talons. "Aye… Aye haf ta get up… haf tah get back tah—"

THWOCK!

"—haaaaaah…"

Carue's eyes rolled up into the back of his head as he flopped forwards onto his beak and began snoring, showing off a syringe that had buried itself in his rump.

I glanced at Chopper, all ready to compliment him on the shot (heh), and then I felt my face turn blue.

"Is he… even… awake?" I croaked fearfully as I watched Chopper continue to slumber peacefully.

"No, Cross. He is not," Robin replied, appearing rather nervous herself. Along with everyone else in the room that was conscious, for that matter, and I'm fairly certain that more than a few of the KO ones started to sweat.

"Ergh…" Doctor Maple groaned as he eyed our Zoan crewmate. "That's for the best, if I'll be honest. He's one of the worst cases. Granted, his biology makes an accurate diagnosis a bit difficult, but what I've got so far is… quite frankly disturbing. Multiple puncture wounds all over his body, extreme amounts of stress to his skeleton and musculature, he's been beaten within an inch of his life, suffered second degree burns to his chest…" He topped it all off with a sidelong glare at Luffy. "And he's anywhere from half to three-quarters as exhausted as your captain. I'll be honest: I might not have been in the Grand Line long, but in my time here I have treated a few Zoan-types, and I've seen them live through some rather insane damage. But seeing this… I still have no idea how on earth he's still alive."

"What can we say?" Usopp chuckled with a weak smile. "He's one hell of a monster."

"Hey!" I protested in indignation. "He's a demon. Get your terminology straight, why dontcha?"

The doctor rolled his eyes as we all shared a laugh at that. "Anyway… I'm just going to go ahead and move past your pet snail, because I'm not a veterinari—AGH!"

"First off, his name is Soundbite, and he is my partner," I droned tonelessly as I clenched my fingers around the man's shoulder. "And second, I suggest that for the sake of your arm, you learn." I redoubled my grip. "Fast."

Going by the way the doctor suddenly stiffened in my grasp, he definitely felt it as everyone conscious in the room joined me in pinning him, some simply with stares in place of glares, but the message was clear. The poor sap swallowed and nodded, and as I relaxed my hand, he carefully picked up Soundbite and looked him over.

"Mmmrgh… a-alright… h-his shell looks fine besides a few cracks here and there, though they look old…" He shut his eye as he stared into Soundbite's shell. "He's normally gray, right?" I nodded in agreement. "Then I… think he's a healthy color? Apart from that, ah… going by his power set, maybe a sore throat and most likely some exhaustion of his own." He gave me a terrified look. "T-There, is that good enough for you?"

I smiled beatifically as I released his shoulder in favor of plucking Soundbite from his grasp. "Perfect."

The doctor straightened his coat out as he nervously side-eyed me. "A-Anyway, t-the rest of you are all fine, relatively speaking. Scratches, a few fractures here and there, nothing truly major to worry about. In the end, I suppose the last person who needs to be mentioned is, well…" He cast a softer look at the person in the room who was simultaneously our newest crewmate and one of our oldest comrades. "Her."

We all looked nervously at Merry as the doctor reshuffled through his notes.

"Well, I never thought that I'd say this, but your doctor and Franky did good work; your friend… Merry, was it?" He noted her name down when Nami nodded. "Merry is in no immediate danger, and once she wakes up, she should be stable to move about on her own after a few days of crutches and physical therapy. I also gave her a basic physical, and aside from structural damage around her neck and feet that those metal braces are keeping surprisingly stable, she seems healthy. But!"

He promptly snapped his finger up. "You need to make sure that she takes it easy for the next few days; the damage to her spine is healing fast, but not even Zoan-levels of fast are enough that it will be done when she awakens. Which, given your crew's inordinate level of strength, I'd estimate will be in another twenty-four hours at the latest. From there, if what I've been told is accurate, I think that you'll need Galley-La's help as much as mine; she may seem to be fully human now, but there are bound to still be some carryovers from her original form, even in her alternate form."

"So… all in all, everyone's healthy enough?" Nami concluded.

"The ones who are unconscious should stay that way for their own good, but as long as you don't get into any more serious fights in the next few days?" He gave us all a flat look. "Which, given your reputations I sincerely doubt you can accomplish? Yes, you're all clear. Even if, by all standards of modern medicine, most of you should be dead ten to twenty times over."

I sighed in relief as I breezed past the last bit of what the doctor had said; I had never doubted that we'd win against Enies Lobby, but I won't deny that after what I'd gone through on Skypiea, I'd been worrying about someone suffering some form of lasting damage.

Granted, we hadn't come out of there entirely unchanged: Nami was still pretty mellowed out, Vivi'd taken a hell of a blow, Merry wasn't totally alright, and I was planning on making the bandages across my face a permanent fixture on account of how they looked leagues better than the gaping crevasse Hattori had left in my face and nose, but all things considered, I couldn't really complain about the way things had turned out.

"In that case."

Iceburg's voice cut through my relief like a knife, drawing everyone's attention. His impassible expression did little to alleviate the tension. "I believe that you owe me an explanation now, Jeremiah Cross."

"Oh, yeah…" Paulie slowly narrowed his eyes as he and the rest of the Family and Galley-La's execs rounded on me. "Almost forgot about that little promise."

I took a moment to glance around, confirming that Robin and Franky were both looking at me as well, before nodding with a sigh. "Yeah, alright, alright. Chances are I'll be telling this tale again sooner or later, so I suppose a rehearsal wouldn't be the worst thing. But still!" I promptly snapped a finger up. "This is sensitive information; the fewer people who hear what I'm about to say, the better. If you wouldn't mind…?"

"Already going," Doctor Maple said, leaving the room with no small amount of haste (or panic, either or).

"I trust these three with my life, Cross," Iceburg stated as he crossed his arms.

"The same from me," Franky snorted as he brought his forearms together and flexed.

I eyed the execs that were hanging around with determined looks before sighing and shaking my head. Well, if they insisted on being stubborn… "Your funeral. Guess I can't really blame you if you're determined to lose whatever measure of sanity you have le—"

"Later, big bro!" the square sisters chorused, shooting out of the house like they were cats and it was full of rocking chairs.

"Wait up!" Lulu called as he chased after them.

"DITTO!" Tilestone howled as he followed his comrade.

I watched them leave before regarding the remaining two with a raised eyebrow. "And you?"

To their credit, Zambai and Paulie only took a second to exchange a look before nodding firmly. "We're staying," they said in unison.

I considered matters for a moment before mentally shrugging. Just the seconds-in-commands would be more manageable than them all. As such, with preparations complete, I positioned myself in such a spot that I could observe everybody pertinent to the discussion.

"Given how… most everybody I'm talking to is pretty damn smart—"

"HEY!"

"I'll do you the courtesy of settling for the quick version: simply put, everything that I know that I shouldn't, I know because I read about it in a story."

As everyone's jaws slowly dropped in shock, I started ticking off my fingers. "Past, present, future; everything pertinent to the rise of Roger's successor to his throne and even a few key factoids and details that are only tangentially relevant, I have in my head. It wasn't finished when I read it, so I only know a little more than half of where it goes and more than a few of the answers to the big mysteries remain question marks, but…" I spread my arms, indicating the room in general. "I think it's pretty damn self-evident that what I've got has been more than enough to cause some serious change and uproar."

Most everyone who was hearing this for the first time was too stunned to reply properly, desperately trying to process what I'd just said. Eventually, however, one person managed to force the expected words out.

"Where in the world could you have possibly read a story like that, Cross?" Robin asked incredulously.

I slowly donned a smirk as I crossed my arms behind my head. "Funny you should word it like that, Robin."

As expected of the final graduate of an institution called the Tree of Knowledge, that was all that she needed to understand. And her reaction wasn't disappointing either, what with her entire body stiffening and her pupils shrinking as she sucked in a sudden breath. "You're… You're from another world?" she stammered numbly.

"Eh!?" every listener save Iceburg yelped, every eye turning to Robin.

"One far different from this one, aye," I nodded in confirmation. "Though I'm still entirely human, I assure you."

"EH!?" the trio roared even louder as they looked back at me.

"As for the circumstances for my arriving in this world, well…" I forged on, ignoring the now unanimously dumbstruck expressions of my audience. "The story I read, entitled One Piece, was one of the more popular contemporary tales in my world. And me? I just was one of many fans who read it, a totally ordinary person."

A weary sigh worked its way from my chest as I reached up to pinch the bridge of its nose. "That all changed when a… I don't know, a force, a god, whatever it is, identifying itself as a 'Bastard Random Omnipotent Being', decided to up and fling me into this world with nothing but the clothes on my back, all for the shits and giggles it would get from watching my adventures. After that happened, I landed on a deserted island in the East Blue, met that little parasite over there—" I nodded my head at Soundbite's shell. "And, well, the rest, as they say, is history."

Dead silence descended from there. Paulie and Zambai were looking a little dizzy, and Iceburg was openly gaping at me, any semblance of composure lost. Oddly enough, though, our two crewmates, current and future alike, only looked somewhat shocked, their expressions slowly returning to neutrality, though our archaeologist still had a sheen of sweat present on her brow. Eventually, Robin broke the silence.

"So, if I'm understanding you correctly," she began. "We're all technically characters in a story you read?"

I smiled nervously, rubbing the back of my head . "Uh… isn't every person already the hero of their own—?"

"Plagiarist~!" Su sang from the sidelines.

"Cross."

I flinched at the practically whip-like intensity of the word before shrinking in on myself. "I, ah, have long since acknowledged everyone as being living breathing people and not merely fictional entities?" I tried hesitantly. "…and you were always one of my favorite characters? T-Though that was only the m-mere basis of my endeavors to, ah…" I lapsed into silence before hanging my head in defeat. "Screw it, I don't know how the hell you word something like this and I trust you're smart enough to know that I haven't been bullshitting you. So… are we good?"

Robin stared impassively at me for what felt like an eternity before sighing and bringing a hand up to massage her forehead. "I'm not mad, Cross. After all, I suspect that I better than anyone have a decent idea of what your dilemma was like."

I started to sigh in relief—

"However."

"GAH! OWOWOWOW!" I yelped in agony as I suddenly found my ear getting yanked to the side.

I was vaguely aware of Nami whistling as she watched me struggle and flail. "Geeze, you really make being a hammer look inviting, Robin."

"QUIET IN THE PEANUT GALLER—YEOW!"

"I am fairly irritated that you didn't even consider telling me all of this once I'd joined!" Robin scolded me in a vexed tone.

"OwowowOW! LET GO, DAMN IT!" I finally managed to swat the hand off my ear and shoulder, and took the opportunity it gave me to cast a glare at Robin. "And when the hell would I have had the chance to do that, hm!?" I demanded incredulously. "Before we both almost got flash-frozen, during which time there was still a goodly chance of you snapping my neck before making a break for it, or after, when you were looking left, right, and center for a chance to make a run for it!?"

That got an embarrassed blush from Robin, prompting a cough into her fist, her eyes pointedly away from mine. "I, ah… that is to say… call it even."

"'Even' my—!"

THWACK!

"Ouch!" I yelped, clutching my throbbing skull.

"Watch what you say to a lady, shit-mouth," Sanji fumed indignantly.

"I'll say whatever the hell I want to my own sister, crap-cook!" I shot back, crossing my arms with a huff. "And trust me, I've had more than enough experience with my own biological sibling. This is perfectly normal for brothers and sisters, so unless you have any reason to say otherwise—"

"Yo, can I get a word in edgewise, here?"

I turned towards Franky as he spoke up, noting the frown on his face and his crossed arms even as Sanji began coughing. Must have inhaled his cigarette wrong again.

"Look," Franky said with a wave of his hand. "I realize that the Grand Line is nutso and everything, and I've seen some pretty nutty stuff myself, but c'mon Cross. An explanation like that? Even I have to draw the line and call you a little nuts, no matter how crazy good your intel's been up until now."

Things were quiet for a bit until Iceburg sighed wearily. "As much as it pains me to agree with Flim-Flam here—"

"I think I might even prefer Flunky," the cyborg muttered.

"—your story is a bit… out there. Do you have any kind of proof, anything at all, that could prove your words beyond any doubt?"

I blinked in honest surprise before frowning. Honestly, it wasn't that much of an unreasonable request, just a difficult one. My eyes started to wander around the room as I contemplated what I could use as a solution. What was something I could do that nobody knew about ye—?

I had to resist the urge to cackle as my gaze alighted upon the answer to my problems. And so, moving fast, I strode over to a corner of the room and opened the fridge, palming the first trio of bottles I could find.

"Well, if you insist…" I only just managed to hide the sheer levels of amused sadism I was feeling as I stood up and shuffled towards the cyborg. "But first, since I imagine you're either out of Cola or, going by your hairdo, running low, mind opening your gut-fridge?"

"Eh?" Franky blinked in confusion even as he complied, clicking his gut-piece open. "Sure thing, thanks for—!"

CLUNK!

"HEY!" he yelped as I wrenched the empty bottles out and shoved in a new trio that were obviously not Cola. "WHAT THE HELL DO Y—EOW!"

All anyone in the room could do was stare in shock as Franky's hair draped down around his face and he busted out into a dance routine that ended with his finger pointed high in the air. "EVERYONE GET DOWN AND GET FUNKY, BECAUSE TONIGHT IS THRILLA! GAH!" The mob-boss then ripped the bottles from his gut and tossed them away. "WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST MAKE ME DO!?"

"Ooooh, nothing much," I smirked as I made a show of examining my (nonexistent and bandage-covered) nails. "I just decided to show off what happens whenever you go, shall we say, 'non-kosher'?" I then directed my impish grin to the rest of the room. "And for the record, that was just pumpkin juice. Vegetable juice gets him acting like a hippie, and tea turns him into a pansy-ass farmer! Anybody else up for finding out what other drinks will do?"

Franky paled as literally everyone gained mischievous glints in their eyes. "H-Hey, what the hell do you think you're all looking at!? I'm not some kind of a sideshow—AGH!" His protests were cut off when Zoro, Sanji and Boss all dogpiled him at once, while the rest of my crewmates started ransacking the room for beverages.

"Hey, I found some—! Eurgh, spinach juice?!" Mikey recoiled in disgust before flinging the bottle over to our crewmates. "Worth a shot!"

"Don't even—YOHOHOOOO!" Franky suddenly shot to his feet and actually flung our three strongest off of him as he started flexing, his hair morphing into a sailor's cap in appearance. "CHECK IT! I'M STRONG TO THE VERY FINISH BECAUSE I ALWAYS EAT MY SPINACH! AND WHEN I SAY STRONG, I MEAN STRONGAH THAN STRONG! LIKE HELL!" Franky capped it off by knocking the bottles out with a roar. "THAT SHIT'S FUCKING DISGUSTING! AND AS FOR THE REST OF—HEY!" His being restrained again cut off his rant.

"Oooh, looky here!" Su perched herself on a trio of bottles. "Ale and a mind, both terrible things to waste! At least these are going to a good cause!" And with that she rolled them all towards the fray.

"FORSOOTH, SQUIRES! I am Ser Iron Ass the Blacksmith! I haileth from the land of FANTASIA! OH, COME ON!"

"I was saving this for lunch…" Paulie mused as he drew a bottle of grape juice from his jacket and weighed it in his hand. "But this is so worth it! Consider this payback for all the years of shit you've put me through, iron-ass!"

The bottle was tossed into the fray and dutifully slotted in. "If you're wonderin' why I'm wearin' a toga, it's cause I feel like emulatin' the city of wine! AVE ROMA! THAT ONE DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE!"

Conis bit her lip as she rolled a bottle in her hands. "This might be a bit mean…" She then smiled apologetically as she held the bottle out for someone to grab. "But I'm sorry, this is too funny!"

"Yo ho ho ho, yo ho ho ho~, I'M ABOUT TO POP A—!"

"OKAY, THAT'S TMI!" I yelped as I yanked the milk out.

"Alright, enough!" Zambai suddenly roared, shoving everyone off of his big bro and helping him to his feet. "That was funny and all, but Big Bro Franky isn't a lab rat, you jerks! Here ya go, big bro." Zambai handed him a trio of appropriately shaped bottles. "Good as new!"

Franky didn't waste a moment before he popped the bottles in and heaved a grateful sigh as his pompadour sprung back to life. "Ah, that's better! Thanks, Zambai, I'm back to normal!" Franky started flexing demonstratively. "Man, I feel super! Super super, even! And ya know what? I wanna get even more super! I wanna move, I wanna exercise! I WANNA GET FITTAH! WHAT THE HELL!" Franky ripped the bottles out as he roared at his subordinate. "DIET COLA!? YOU DAMN ASSHOLE!"

"HAHAHAHA!" Zambai was practically rolling on the floor, he was laughing so loud. "SORRY, BIG BRO, I COULDN'T RESIST!"

"YOOOU…" Franky fumed murderously.

"Hey, Franky, before you kick his ass," Sanji cut in, tapping his shoulder. "Just checking, but you and Iceburg believe Cross now, right?"

"Eh?" Franky blinked over his shoulder before nodding "Ah… yeah, I believe him now. Not like I have much choice, right? I only ever experimented with alternate fuels once, and nobody was around to see it. Only way he could have learned it—!"

"Was from watching Chopper toss you tea and veggie juice while you were in Enies Lobby's kitchen," I answered with a smirk.

"…Yeah, that."

"I'm satisfied as well," Iceburg nodded in confirmation.

I started to pump my fist victoriously…

"Good."

And then I froze up without warning when the voice of pure evil hit my ears, and I suddenly felt my sins start to crawl upon my back.

Slowly, dreading what I would find, I turned around to face the evil that I just knew was lurking behind me, and promptly regretted the action as I found myself staring at a panel of dark judgment: a tengu, an oni and a demon, all staring at me with pure murder in their eyes.

"Time to pay, Cross," they intoned in synch.

I quaked miserably in my bandages, too afraid to even berate the scant few of my 'comrades' who had the gall to laugh at my fate.

Thankfully, for all that karma was a bitch, at least it could be said that she was a unilateral bitch.

"What the hell are you laughing about, Leo?" the oni snarled darkly.

The dugong in question froze mid-laugh, cold sweat cascading down his entire body.

"I haven't forgotten the debt you owe me as well."

The two-sword-style apprentice and I sloooowly exchanged fearful looks.

Soundbite chose that moment to poke his eyestalks out of his shell, his eyes visibly bleary from exhaustion. "Fly, you fools," he croaked, though admittedly, the way he said 'fools' sounded more like 'morons'.

Nevertheless, we took his advice and, to put it lightly…

"AAAAAAAGH!"

De-assed the area with the quickness.

Suffice to say, the chase did not end there.

-o-

Rather, it led us out into the city proper. Have I ever mentioned that I was really grateful for being good at making connections?

"Long live the Union, long live the Union, long live the Union," Leo repeated fervently as the Yagara we were riding flew through the canals.

Because seriously, I was really, really, really grateful for those God-given connections.

I wheezed and panted wearily as I leaned against the edge of the bull's saddle, casting a tired eye back down the canal we'd just rocketed down. "Any, huff, sign of them, hoo?"

"Ah…" Leo, his wits back with him, raised his head to peer over the back of the saddle's lip.

CRACK!

Before shrieking in terror when said lip suddenly blasted apart into a hail of splinters and sawdust. "YES! SIGNS! MANY MANY SIGNS!"

"Sonnuva—!?" I cursed as I swung my gaze around. "The monsters I'd expect to be capable of keeping up with us, but Usopp!? Where the hell could he… be…?" My words died in my throat as a glint shined in the corner of my eye, and I slooowly turned my head to gape up at the summit of Water 7 in horror. "Ooooh you have got to be kidding me. How the hell is this a proportional response!?"

"If it were just for the mermaid, it wouldn't be except for the love cook."

Leo and I froze in horror, slowly turning our gazes to the rooftops lying before us. Two monsters glared right back at us, waves of killer intent roiling around them like a physical force.

"But for me, and Usopp?" the oni growled darkly. "This is just the breaking point for putting up with all of your smartassery for the past. Five. Months. You should count yourself lucky that Nami got brainwashed, or that thunder god she predicted yesterday would be on your ass as well."

I swallowed heavily as I realized just how deep a hole of shit I was in. "Oooookay…" I hedged desperately as I tried to think of some way to keep my head on my shoulders. "Two things in my defense. A: None of you ever asked why I kept calling her 'hagfish', so really, you should have known that something was up."

"For the sake of your health, your other reason had better damn well be better," the demon snarled, smoke and fire coming from his mouth.

"Right, then… more seriously?" I grasped at the last straw I could conceive of. "If I hadn't told you, you could have died."

That caught the two of them off-guard, and they exchanged glances before resuming glaring at me. "And how do you figure that?" the demon asked skeptically.

I hastily scrounged up what few specific details about that scene I could recall. "T-The shock of seeing her like that made you all black out, right? You all stopped trying to breathe, so you didn't swallow enough seawater to drown while she was carrying you. There was a legitimate risk of you drowning if I told you what was coming because you wouldn't immediately black out, a-and I wasn't willing to risk that."

"And you expect us to believe that it wasn't just for another cheap laugh?"

'I'm surprised you've believed me this far!' I thought desperately, but I managed to keep my face from giving away little more than a flat look. "In theory? I'll admit I thought it could be a little funny. But in practice?" I shuddered as the memory flashed unbidden in my mind. "Nooo, it was just as disturbing for me as it was for you, and I saw it coming!"

The oni was silent for a moment before glancing at the demon. "… You know, he has a point there."

"MY RAGE IGNORES THIS."

The blood drained from my face "…Sooo you're still going to kick my ass, then?"

"Yes." Neither of them even hesitated in their response. And so it was that they started to stalk towards us, every step they took increasing the murderous pressure looming over us.

Leo shivered miserably in his shell. "We're gonna die we're gonna die we're gonna—!"

"Like hell we are!" I barked in a tone that sounded a lot more confident than I felt. "I've got a plan! Get in front of me, Leo!"

It was a true testament to the Dugong's trust in me that he didn't even hesitate to step up, blades crossed in front of himself. "W-Whatever this plan is, you're sure it's gonna work?"

"Ooooh yeah, it'll work, alright!" I nodded firmly, stepping back as much as I could in the saddle's confines. "No matter what happens, I'll definitely have one less monster to worry about!"

Leo heaved a sigh of relief. "Oh, thank Sebek, for a second the—wait, what did you just—!?"

Before he could finish, my boot slammed into his ass and punted him clean off of our bull's back. "EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!"

"WAAAA—OOF!" Leo's scream of shocked terror suddenly died as he found himself halted in midair. He panted as he hung there for a moment before hanging his head in relief. "Oh, thank Sebek, I was so afraid that I was going to have to fight Zoro…"

"Ahem."

Leo opened his eyes and blinked in confusion, before screaming in horror as he realized that he'd instinctually locked swords with the oni. "CROSS, YOU TRAITOROUS BASTARD!" he howled through his tears as he and his opponent's blades blurred.

"PIRATE!" I shouted back at him as the Yagara sped off at full speed. Still, in spite of the seriousness of the situation, I was utterly exhilarated. I was going to make it! I was actually going to—!

My ride suddenly screeched to a halt, and I couldn't rightly blame him for it because of the fact that the demon was currently hovering in the air before us.

"Figured out Moonwalk, huh?" I squeaked miserably.

"Mm-hmm," the demon snorted before turning his gaze on the Yagara. "Move and you're elevenses."

The bull's response was to shoot its head underwater and quake in place.

"Smart choice."

I inched away from the demon on pure reflex, and went ramrod straight when a thunk sounded out behind me. I glanced over my shoulder and found myself struggling with a raging combo of terror and awe. "Retractable parachute-pack, huh?" I whimpered. "Any chance I could get one of those for myself, maybe incorporate the grappling belt into it? The thing's been working out really well for me so far."

"We can talk once you get out of traction," the Tengu hissed as he took aim at my head.

I swallowed heavily before waving vaguely at my face. "N-Not above the collar, alright? My throat's my livelihood, and my face, well…" I fingered the fresh set of bandages that cut across my face. I was proud of my scars, but there was a limit, and having my nasal cavity open to the world very much crossed it. "CP9 already beat you to it."

"There's only one problem with that idea, Cross."

I glanced over my shoulder—

CRACK!

"GRGHHH…" before whimpering painfully as I clutched my re-broken nose.

"We have exactly zero fucks left to give."

I had all of a second to process the image of a foot rearing back in preparation and the stretching of an elastic slingshot—

"What. Are you doing. Out of bed?"

Before all three of us froze, the demonic images fading and leaving only a nervous-looking Usopp and Sanji as we turned to see a yeti standing on the side of the canal, six syringes between his fingers like claws, and one each sticking out of the nearby Zoro and Leo, who were both paralyzed, fear on their faces. Said yeti was currently staring darkly at us.

"Straining your injuries, and creating more of them for yourselves and others? That won't do, will it? ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'RE FORCING ME TO DO THE SAME SO I CAN STOP YOU."

"…Maybe we should have thought this through a bit more," Usopp whimpered in terror.

"Agreed," Sanji and I squeaked.

-o-

Suffice to say that when we woke up early the next morning, the sight of Chopper sleeping nearby, ostensibly peacefully, was enough to cow us into talking things out. After some consideration, realizing that opportunities in the coming sagas would be few and far between, I gave them a promise not to abuse my future knowledge solely for my own amusement again, unless I was certain that it was utterly harmless or unless they were in on it, until we set out from Paradise towards the New World. After considering the phrasing, they accepted that.

Their mistake. After all, that left a boatload of loopholes for me to abuse, not the least of which was that I only promised not to abuse my future knowledge. So, when the future became the present…

Anyway, over the next few hours, everyone else save for Luffy came around without too much incident, one after the other. Vivi complained of some aches and pains as she picked at the unwound roll of gauze tied around her midsection, Carue grumbled and growled as he side-eyed Chopper. Chopper… well, he got up cackling his furry little ass off, but some blunt-force therapy swiftly rectified that and he got to work checking everyone over. As for Soundbite, I think he tried to blare out some kind of an orchestra upon his full revival, but all he did was perform a real-life version of the old 'Letting the air out of the band' gag.

And finally, almost forty-eight hours after the end of our ordeal and her conversion, Merry came awake.

At first, we all clamored around her, either hugging her or asking her how she was, until Chopper forced us all to give her some breathing room. Still, we managed to give her a hug from each of us, with even Zoro reluctantly consenting to offer one. Granted, he only consented after Nami threatened to start charging him for the very air he breathed, but still.

Unfortunately, as nice and heartwarming as the moment was, it just couldn't last forever.

-o-

"So…" Merry hesitantly poked the bandages wrapped over her back as she glanced over her shoulder. "I… can't ever become a ship again?"

"I'm afraid not," Chopper shook his head solemnly. "I'm so sorry, Merry. I'd fix you if I could, but even with Franky's help modern medicine only goes so far and as it is you'll have to use crutches for a few days and—!"

I cut his rambling off by dropping my hand on his shoulder. The vanilla Human-Zoan glanced up at me before taking a calming breath and getting himself back under control.

"I'm sorry, Merry," he reiterated in a calmer tone. "But no, you can't. You're lucky to not be paralyzed at all, but if you ever try going back again, the prospect of a wheelchair will be the least of your problems."

The white-haired girl looked down, her expression unreadable. Silence fell for a full minute. And then…

"…I'm alright with this," she whispered at last.

"Merry—!" Conis started to speak up.

"No, seriously!" Merry hastily waved her arms in denial. "I-I mean it sucks that I can't turn into a ship anymore, t-that I can't… c-carry you… anymore…"

Merry fell silent as she stared down at her lap, visibly fighting to keep herself under control, but eventually she looked back up, a smile on her face even as tears cascaded from her eyes.

"But I'm alive," she whispered joyously. "I'm alive and I'm still with you all and I'm going to stay with you all and… and that means more to me than anything. And if…" She stared at her hands as she flexed them experimentally. "If I have to get used to being a human instead of a ship from now on… as the price for this new life?" She clenched her hands into fists and nodded firmly. "Then I'll accept… no. No, I'll more than accept it!"

Merry looked up with a massive smile, confidence radiating from her small frame. "I'll overcome it! I'll do what this crew always does, and I'll take what it is that makes me special and I'll beat the world over the head with it! I won't stop and I won't back down, no matter wha—GRK!" Merry cut herself off mid-cheer when she tried to punch her fist into the air and wound up freezing in place, a pained expression flashing across her face. "Ah… little help?"

After chuckling a bit while Chopper shook his head and began treating Merry, I took the opportunity to speak up.

"Alright, so now that we've got that particular endeavor established, I think our first priority should be finding out what exactly Merry's capable of now, agreed?"

A general round of agreement sounded out around the room, but before anyone could say anything further Chopper interrupted us with a raised hoof and a cough to draw our attention.

"I, ah, actually think I have somewhere to start," he mused as he scrutinized Merry's back.

"What, really?" the girl-ship blinked over her shoulder at him.

"Maybe…" Chopper tilted his head curiously before glancing to the side and waving his hoof at the TDWS. "Donny, you're relatively smart, would you mind lending me a hand?"

"'Relatively'!?" the purple-bandanna'd dugong squawked indignantly.

Chopper rolled his eyes in exasperation. "Relative compared to me, Donny."

"…Right, I knew that," Donny coughed before hopping onto the bed and joining Chopper behind Merry. "What do you need?"

"Confirmation from someone with flesh and bone for appendages rather than keratin, and before you ask!" he continued as Donny opened his mouth. "My Heavy Point is not delicate enough for the kind of work I'm doing right now."

"Fair enough," Donny shrugged before eyeing Merry's mutilated flesh. "So, what am I—?"

"Try applying some pressure to her flesh, like so." Chopper demonstrated by pushing his hoof into Merry's back.

"Eep!"

Causing her to flinch in shock.

"Like this?" Donny asked, prodding his flipper at the spot indicated.

"Erk!" Merry shivered in place.

"Yes, exactly!" Chopper nodded. "Now, try applying it like this."

"GACK! Hey, what're you—!?"

"So… by doing this then?"

"YEEK!"

"Wait, what—?" Donny blinked before leaning in. "Did she just…?" He poked her again.

"AIE!"

"See, that's what I thought!" Chopper nodded in agreement. "And even if you do it this way—!"

"YEOWCH! MALPRACTICE!"

"Ah, guys?" I spoke up as I watched them continue poking at Merry's back. "Not that this isn't fun and all—!"

"I BEG TO—YIPE!"

"Very FUN!" Soundbite cackled uproariously.

"But what is this in aid of?"

"An utterly fascinating para-biological phenomenon!" Donny grinned eagerly as he moved around to start poking at Merry's upper arm. "See, it feels like she has normal flesh here, right?"

Chopper and Donny seemed too caught up in their conjoined science mode to notice the slight amounts of twitching that were starting to occur in Merry's jaw. Some of the crew did notice and exchanged wary glances, but others, like me, had a good idea where this was going, and smirked in anticipation of the inevitable.

"But, then, you press just right…"

Donny's flipper came in for another poke, this time a little faster, and it bounced off her skin.

"It hardens!" Donny said excitedly. "Heck, I think it might even be as tough as her old hull!" Another poke. "I mean, we don't want to test the full extent, of course—" Another poke. "But maybe we can figure out how she's doing this and—!"

"STOP POKING ME ALREADY!" Merry suddenly shouted, grabbing the nearest thing in reach that could pass for a club—that being Mikey's unfortunately-positioned tail—and swinging said club at her tormentors. Chopper had the wherewithal needed to duck, but Donny?

THWACK!

He wound up halfway through the nearest wall of the room. The nearest solid stone wall.

For a moment, we all just stared at the Dugong's lower body protruding from the wall, some of us in shock and others in barely restrained amusement.

"Science is fun!" Su snickered enthusiastically.

"I beg to differ…" Mikey slurred as he hung in Merry's grip, his eyes spinning dizzily.

"What just happened and what just hit me…?" Donny mumbled out through the wall.

"YOU GOT KNOCKED DA FUGG OUT!" Soundbite cackled uproariously.

"Along with a load of overtime on your reaction-time training," Boss informed him with a roll of his eyes.

"Hmph," Merry sniffed petulantly as she dropped Mikey and crossed her arms. "Jackass."

"…Right, then," Chopper coughed in a tone of forced calm as he readjusted his oh-so-slightly askew hat. "So, her body is the size of a child, but still possesses the proportional strength of a caravel. Well, at least she's got nothing to worry about against Mooks, at least."

I coughed slightly into my fist as I glanced away. "I've been using too much trope-speak…" I muttered to myself.

"Blasphemy!" Soundbite scoffed with a grin.

"To clarify…" Raphey popped her flipper up questioningly. "Just how strong would the 'proportional strength of a caravel' be? No offense, Merry, but compared to some battleships…"

"Compared to battleships she might be tiny, yes," Robin nodded in agreement. "But when compared to us, her normal body was measured on an entirely different weight scale. I dare say we should be grateful she doesn't weigh even half as much as she normally does, or else she would have dragged both Cross and Luffy to the bottom with her."

A sweatdrop hung from Merry's skull as she observed Robin. "Glad to see your morbidly disturbed and twisted sense of humor is back in full force, Robin." Her eyes narrowed. "Oh, and if you try to poke me, I promise you that I will snap your arm off."

Robin's expression remained pleasant, but the hand that had been reaching towards Merry promptly disintegrated into petals. "I'm positive that I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about."

A shameless smile stretched across her face, before stretching even further when Vivi and I grabbed her cheeks and tugged.

"Liar~!" we sang, only letting go when a pair of hands thwacked the backs of our skulls.

"Owww…" Robin winced as she rubbed her stinging cheeks before shooting a flustered look at us. "Will you stop… ruining my moments?!"

"You pretty much accepted me as your younger sibling and you no longer have the shadow of death looming over you if I don't act right, so no," I grinned as I folded my arms behind my head.

"And I can't antagonize you in a passive-aggressive manner anymore without feeling like a total bitch for it, so no," Vivi smirked as she crossed her arms triumphantly.

"YER DAYS OF acting all cool and mysterious ARE DEAD AND GONE!" Soundbite concluded with a chortle.

Robin's eye twitched slightly. "Is it too late to go back to the days where I was aloof and everyone regarded me with suspicion?"

"Considering how we all saw Cross give you a noogie?" Zoro leered at her. "Welcome to the lands of normalcy."

Soundbite and I laughed even harder as Robin's head hung in such a manner to show that she was, without a doubt, sulking.

"Alright, alright, fun as this is, if you're all done using me as a lab rat and teasing Robin," Merry interjected. "Do you all mind giving me some space, please? I'd like to empty out my cargo ASAP. It…" She shifted around uncomfortably on her bed. "Feels kinda weird with how I am now, you know?"

That served to draw everyone's attention, and Nami was the first to speak up. "Your… cargo? But… er, even disregarding how that's supposed to work when you're this size, didn't Galley-La already unload everything on board while they were fixing you up? All of our stuff is resting in a storage locker a few blocks away."

"Most of it, sure, but they didn't take all the dirt your trees were in," Merry explained with a grimace. She dug her hand into her coat's pocket and withdrew a fistful of dirt, holding it up for us all to see. "It was fine when it was in its box, but everything I had left must have gotten tossed around when I changed, so now it's just making a mess. So, can I…?"

Nami and I exchanged confused glances before I shrugged. "Ah… go ahead?"

Nodding thankfully, Merry dropped the soil on the ground. Then she withdrew another handful from her pocket and dumped it on the ground as well. Then she removed another handful, and another. Finally, sighing in aggravation, she turned the pocket inside out in a cascade of dirt that resulted in a pile as tall as her bed itself, and quite a bit wider.

Merry smiled contentedly once she was done, stretching her arms above her head with a relieved sigh. "Ahh, now that is a whole lot better. Thanks, that just felt scuzzy, and I think that there were a few bugs in it too!"

Nobody said anything on account of our jaws touching the floor due to the sheer… spectacle we'd just witnessed.

"Hmm…" Meanwhile, Merry was preoccupied with tapping her chin thoughtfully. "Now that I think about it, I probably don't need to carry my ballast stones around anymore, either." As such, Merry reached inside her coat and started digging around.

It was at just that moment that the door to the room opened and Paulie walked in. "Yo!" Paulie saluted us casually. "Just thought I'd check up on you since the company's docs said I was in the clear. How're you all—?"

"Got it!" Merry crowed as she pulled a stone-filled crate the size of, well, her out of her raincoat and held it above her head. "Woo! Even while I'm still holding this I feel ten times lighter!"

"…gwagh?" Paulie enunciated intelligently as his cigarette dropped out of his mouth.

Merry dropped the crate onto the soil next to her and was forced to cartwheel her arms in a panic when she almost tipped backwards out of bed as a result. "Woahwoahwoah, forgot about the other ones!" She hastily dug her hands back into her coat. "Where is it, where is it… aha!" She grinned ecstatically as she brought out yet another crate with utter ease. "There we go! Much better! Anyone wanna take this off my hands? Hey, Usopp, catch!"

"…Anybody got a clue as to how the hell someone that small can carry something that big?" the Galley-La rigging master asked weakly.

I drew my attention away from Merry jokingly taking aim at our sniper to give him a flat, incredulous look. "You didn't just say that. You did not just say that. You cannot tell me that you of all people really just said that, Paulie."

"Eh?" The chain-smoker glanced at me in confusion. "'Course I did, why the hell wouldn't I!?"

My eye twitched, and I held out a hand. "Mind letting me see your rope?"

Paulie shrugged indifferently and shook a few feet out of his sleeve. I accepted the line and, before he could react, began pulling. It took a minute flat before I had withdrawn enough to be confused for an anaconda, and it wasn't running out anytime soon.

"I think it's safe to say that my case is resting like a baby," I drawled flatly, everyone else in the room staring at the display with just as much shock.

"…Okay, I'm basically telling physics to go screw themselves by act of Devil Fruit, whereas you're a semi-normal human being," Merry summarized flatly. "And that is enough rope to rig up one of the Marine's blowhard battleships. What's your excuse?"

"I… ah… you see…" Paulie hemmed uncomfortably, his eyes darting around in a clear panic.

Then his arm flashed out, severing the line with a knife before he turned, sprinted—

CRASH!

—and leapt clean through a window as he made a break for it.

Conis stared after him for a bit before tilting her head to the side. "…Why didn't he just use the door?" she questioned in honest curiosity.

"He has experience with debtors," I explained with a sigh as I kneaded the bridge of my nose.

"Personally, I'd really like to know how the heck he managed that," Usopp muttered. "I might have to try looking for him."

I opened my mouth to agree, then froze. "…Actually, I think it would be a better idea to just let it go. Remember what happened last time we tried to look into the finer mechanics of the sudden displacement of mass?"

My co-conspirators and Merry all froze before shivering in utter horror.

"I THOUGHT we agreed to never speak of that AGAIN!" Soundbite squawked.

"Right, then!" Chopper piped up hastily. "So, to summarize, Merry's physical capabilities as a caravel have transferred to her human body even without her being in her hybrid form, meaning that she has an exceptional amount of resiliency, perhaps comparable to Luffy's in a pinch; more raw strength than quite a few of us put together, at least when it comes to the matter of lifting; and her storage capacity—"

"HAMMERSPACE!"

"Ergh…" I groaned, clawing miserably at my face.

"…that, remains untouched. Alright, so if that's all—"

"Ooh, is that a triple-weave rope? Gimme!" Before we could react, Merry snatched up the end of the rope lying next to her and—

Our jaws promptly crashed into the floor again as Merry proceeded to slurp the rope up like it was one long strand of spaghetti. We could only stare in dumbfounded shock as she swallowed the entire thing, burped, and concluded by leaning back and patting her stomach in satisfaction. "Yummy…"

My eye twitched slightly as I sported a demented smile. "We're gonna be here awhile…"

-o-

So… yeah. Turns out that while Merry was fully capable of eating and enjoying normal human food, her preferred fuel was cloth. Canvas was ideal, but she'd happily munch on wool, cotton, linen, hemp, and synthetics, though as an incident with Luffy sleep-punching the air attested, rubber was thankfully not a part of that list.

This had resulted in the most awkward situation Sanji had found himself in to date, as he now had to spend a significant amount of time both shopping for canvas and getting advice from Galley-La on how he was supposed to go about turning it into a gourmet meal. After all, no matter how unorthodox Merry's appetite was, he compared the act of serving her raw cloth to serving all of us raw bread, which was unacceptable for a chef of his caliber.

Merry tried to help him out in the endeavor by informing him she also wouldn't mind some pitch and rope, but honestly, going by how all hope seemed to flee from the chef's already-bleak expression, that little tidbit just served to make matters worse.

As such, when we had established Merry's… 'personal tastes', Nami, Sanji and, at the chef's insistence (read: desperate pleading), Chopper prepared to go shopping and begin experimenting with the various types of 'cuisine' we'd be dealing with in the future.

On the plus side, at least, Merry wouldn't have to worry about Luffy stealing her food… hopefully, anyways.

However, before they left, I was swift to ask a question.

-o-

"Oh, Chopper?" I piped up as the trio headed for the door. "Just to clarify, the rest of us are clear to leave, right? Well," I jerked my head at where our captain was snoring and Merry was playing pattycake with Conis. "Besides the obvious suspects, of course."

Chopper looked back and gave us all a once-over, his eyes narrowed contemplatively, before nodding in acceptance. "Carue still needs to rest so his legs can heal, but as long as nobody pulls anything stupid like earlier and everyone takes it easy… then yes, the rest of you have clearance."

"Good," Zoro said, shoving himself up from his bed and striding for the door. "In that case, I need to find a blacksmith." He gripped the black-lacquered hilt at his side with a frown. "With any luck, I managed to stop that rust-bastard before he damaged Yubashiri beyond repair."

"Ah…" Raphey raised her flipper uncertainly. "Should someone go with him?"

"If it's involving swords or booze, I think we can trust him to find his own way," I replied cheekily.

Zoro snorted as he left.

As it turned out, we wouldn't see him for the next twelve hours. Don't ask me how, because to this day I dread the mere idea of asking.

"Well, that's that…" Chopper muttered to himself before stiffening as a thought came to him. "Ah… apropos of nothing, I would suggest that Robin have an escort anywhere and everywhere she goes. For… medical reasons," the reindeer hedged, shooting a sidelong glance at the archaeologist.

"Don't worry, Chopper, I'm never leaving again," Robin reassured him with a light smile.

"But just in case," Vivi spoke up in an impish tone as she slid up next to Robin. "I'll stay by her side if she decides to go out shopping. I won't leave her side even once."

Robin regarded the princess in surprise before smiling confidently. "Oh? Are you quite certain that you can keep up, Miss Princess?"

Vivi graced Robin with an imperious smile as she raised her nose in a sniff. "Quite certain. Don't forget that I can make you do whatever I so desire with a mere word, Miss All Sunday."

Robin nodded before adopting a… sultry look!? "I always did wonder about the veracity of the stereotype of nobility having extravagant tastes," she crooned in a thoroughly provocative tone.

Then, before Vivi could react, the archaeologist reached up and brushed her finger along the princess' cheek. "Perhaps you'll be kind enough to… elaborate later," she breathed.

Vivi stammered and flushed helplessly as Robin brushed past her before snapping her finger up with a huff. "Point to you, Robin," she bit out tersely as she wheeled around and stormed out after our crewmate. "Point to you."

"I try," Robin chuckled victoriously as they left the room.

I was silent for a bit as I stared after her in… honestly, I don't know what I was feeling, but nevertheless I got my wits together and eagerly clapped my hands. "Great! Come on, Usopp, let's get going!" I proclaimed as I strode out of the building, as much to try and move things along as to proceed with my day's plan.

The sniper only hesitated for a moment before hurrying to catch up with me. "What're we going to do, Cross?"

…Oh, no way in hell was I passing up this opportunity.

I promptly wheeled around and spread my arms out wide. "The same thing we do every day, Usopp!" I proclaimed extravagantly.

I then adopted a slasher-esque smile as I drew my transceiver's mic from my bag and brandished it.

"Try and make the world a little more mad."

-o-

"Doubling the ship's serving area?" Shakky whistled in surprise, clearly impressed. "Are you sure? That's a serious boost!"

"Nyuu, it's not like we have much of a choice!" Hachi chuckled as he scratched the back of his head with one of his hands, the others waving around in embarrassment. "The combination of good food and the SBS being readily available has been bringing in a lot of customers. I thought that the Davy Back Fight attracted a huge crowd, but Enies Lobby? The rush was insane!"

The octopus fishman then frowned and crossed his arms as he considered matters. "And of course, chances are that the Straw Hats are going to get into more big fights like that as time goes on, so if I want to be able to keep up with the demand, I need to make a big investment into the business if I want to keep it going."

He sighed as he accepted a glass from his old friend. "I'm also going to have to see about getting an extra pair of hands or two on deck as well, pun recognized; Keimi and Pappug are great, but there just aren't enough warm bodies on Takoyaki 8! We're being stretched way too thin."

"Sorry, Hachi," Rayleigh replied with an apologetic smile. "But this grove cost us an arm and a leg and we've already got our business and our niche going strong. I'm not sure a merger would be that good of an idea."

Hachi sighed. "Yeah, I know, just thought I'd ask. But in that case, who else could I—?"

The ex-pirate suddenly cut himself off, his eyes and mouth slowly widening in realization. He hesitated for a moment as a flash of doubt shot through him, but he mustered his nerve and looked back at the bartender. "Shakky, where do you keep your Transponder Snail?"

"Don don don don!"

"Over there," the bartender replied flatly, pointing at the ringing snail while Hachi slumped.

"Nyuuuu… sometimes his timing is awesome," the octopus groused as half his thumbs popped a thumbs-up, while the others jabbed downwards. "Sometimes it really sucks."

"Oh, don't worry about it, Hachi. I'm sure that after Enies Lobby, this one won't be nearly as long," Rayleigh chuckled as he stood up from his stool and ambled towards the snail.

"Nyuuu…" Hachi groaned as he massaged his face. "Well, at least there's a bright side: with any luck, the SBS will put him in a good mood so that when I call he doesn't immediately rip me a new one…"

"That's the spirit!" the Dark King laughed as he picked up the snail's speaker.

"…Broggy, you're no better at faking an accent than I am," an unfamiliar deep voice deadpanned.

"Seconded," Cross echoed flatly.

"GO GARGLE SOME MAGMA, YOU BASTARDS!" another unfamiliar voice barked.

"Hmm?" Shakky cocked her head curiously. "A couple of guests this time?"

"With one of them being named 'Broggy'…" Rayleigh mused suspiciously.

"Bosses, please, stop bickering!" two more familiar voices pleaded.

"And there are Oimo and Kashi," Hachi noted. "But what do they mean by 'bosses'? They're not working for the Government anymore."

"Unless they mean… ohohohoooo…" Hachi and Shakky looked at Rayleigh in surprise as he began chuckling. "Why am I even remotely surprised at this point?"

"They have a point, you know. You should be somewhat careful with what you say. After all—" Cross began.

"You're both live on the SBS!"

"DON'T STEAL MY SHTICK!" Soundbite roared angrily.

"DON'T STEAL MY SHOW!" Cross followed up.

"Sorry, but I'm just not sorry! Consider it more payback. And besides, that was fun," Usopp snickered.

"Gegyagyagyagyagya!/Gabababababababa!" the show's guests laughed uproariously at the exchange.

"Ah, it's good to see that no matter how much things change, they always stay the same. Right, Dorry?" one of the pair asked with a nostalgic smile.

"Right you are, Broggy, right you are!" the other enthusiastically concurred.

"HA!" Rayleigh barked as he slapped the table in amusement. "I knew it! Damn, those rookies must be some of the luckiest bastards on the seas if they actually managed to find them and live to tell about it!"

"We've already established that they have the sort of luck to throw a hundred and eleven dice and have them all come up sixes," Shakky smirked fondly. "Now come on, come clean, who are they talking to?"

"Wait for it…" Hachi muttered to himself.

"Ergh… well, anyway, moving on past that little bit… yes, everyone, we of the SBS are back in action! Now, I imagine that you're all probably wondering who I have as guests with me, right?"

"There it is!" the octopus-fishman laughed.

"Yeah, yeah, laugh it up…" Shakky grumbled good-naturedly, rolling her eyes.

"Well, I believe I'll let our resident expert on the matter handle that particular introduction. Usopp, care to do the honors?"

"WHA—who, me!? A-Are you—!? Ah… You know what? Sure! Ladies and gentlemen, it's my honor as the sniper of the Straw Hat Pirates to introduce you to the biggest role models in my life aside from my father. Hailing from Elbaf, home to the very greatest among those fit to be called Brave Warriors of the Sea, I present the co-captains of the legendary Giant Warrior Pirates—!"

"Weighing in at 100 Million apiece!" Cross commented.

"'Blue Ogre' Dorry and 'Red Ogre' Broggy!"

"To clarify, I'm Dorry!" one voice spoke up.

"And I'm Broggy!" finished the other.

"AND IT'S AN HONOR TO BE HERE!" they finished as one.

The introduction had barely finished when Rayleigh fell into gales of laughter, dangerously close to tipping over in his chair. Hachi's eyes, meanwhile, were nearly popping out of his skull as he gaped at the snail. "THE GIANT WARRIOR PIRATES?! I thought they were just a myth!"

"Ohooooh no, Hachi," Rayleigh chortled. "The World Government only wishes they were a bad nightmare! They were and apparently still are as real as you and me!"

Shakky swapped her gaze between her male friends in confusion. "Um… care to clue me in here? I've heard of pretty much every crew on the Grand Line, but the only time I've heard of a crew known as the Giant Warriors was the other day, when Cross named Oimo and Kashi as members. Heck…" She scratched her chin thoughtfully. "Come to think of it, I've never heard of a Giants-only crew, period. They usually fight amongst themselves too often to maintain any kind of stability."

"Ooooh, there was one alright," Rayleigh informed her, his laughter dying down to a chuckle. "And it's no surprise that you haven't heard of them, either. After all, they haven't been operating for a while!"

"'A while' my ass!" Hachi scoffed incredulously. "Shakky, according to the legends the Giant Warrior Pirates disbanded over a century ago! The only reason I even heard about them was Rayleigh, and I thought he was just yanking my arms!"

"Nope, real as real can be," the Dark King confirmed. "A few of my older and… well, bigger drinking buddies told me about them. Had no idea whether their captains were actually alive or dead though, or where they were." He smirked as he nodded his head at the snail. "Guess we know the answer to the first of those questions, right?"

"Aaaanyways, ladies and gentlemen, allow me to clarify how this happened and what's happening now!"

-o-

"See," I swayed back and forth a bit on the crate I was sitting on as I considered my words, watching the workers of Galley-La as they went about their work. "We first met up with the good captains early in our pirating career on an island that will remain unnamed for obvious reasons—!"

"COUGH—MARINE BASTARDS—COUGH!" Soundbite insinuated not-so-subtly.

"And I decided that hey, seeing as I recently managed to finagle the number of the snail they recently acquired, we might as well have ourselves a nice little interview with two of the most prominent figures in pirate history!" I then jabbed my thumb over my shoulder. "Also joining us, besides our giant-enthusiast sniper, are two of the crew's heavier-hitting grunts, Oimo the Boar and Kashi the Hawk."

"Hey, ma! I'm still alive!" Oimo laughed happily.

"Brontus, if you can hear me, I haven't forgotten you owe me a load of Beris! Watch your back!" Kashi concurred with just as much enthusiasm.

I snorted lightly at the sheer banality of their reactions before nodding. "Alright, that's enough wind-up, so I'm just gonna go right ahead and jump in with a question concerning some relatively ancient history: Dorry, Broggy, it's safe to say that as the captains of one of the only Giants-only pirate crews to date, you two were quite infamous in your day, right?"

"Gabababa! You better believe it!" Broggy laughed proudly.

"Our crew was relatively small, only thirty all told, but when it's thirty giants? Giants from Elbaf, no less?" Dorry grinned. "Well, let's just say that we didn't take long to stop counting how many Marine bases we toppled."

"Though that was mostly because only half of us knew how to count!" Broggy snorted.

"That too!" Dorry laughed in agreement.

"Well, then, in that case, I just have to wonder…" I tilted my head in confusion. "How come your bounties were only ฿100 million each?"

"ONLY?!"

That turned out to be a mistake as the two captains bellowed through Soundbite, nearly bowling me over with their volume, although their tones were more incredulous than offended.

"What alien world are you living on, you dope?!" Broggy demanded.

"Yeah! Don't you know that 100 million is nothing short of a fortune!?" Dorry concurred.

"B-Bosses, hold on!" Oimo spoke up hastily. "I, ah, I don't understand all of it, lots of big words and we were stuck on Enies and all, but apparently the Government's changed its policies on bounties in the last hundred years. We talked with a lot of people while we were standing guard, and a lot of the more decorated guys said that 100 million was selling you both short."

"Plus you were out of commission for a full century, and considering how the world's economy is primarily fueled by human interests, then the value of the Beri has probably changed over the years, too," Usopp mused.

"How the hell do you know that, LONG NOSE!?" Soundbite questioned incredulously.

"He got tutored by someone who knew what she was talking about!" I cut in with a smirk before Usopp could respond, causing him to splutter furiously.

Before he could say jack, however, a distinct whistle coming from Soundbite interrupted him.

"Ohohoh, what's this? The Brave Warrior of the Sea has a little lady friend waiting for him back home?" Broggy smirked mischievously.

"GEGYAGYAGYAGYA! No wonder he wants to become so impressive!" Dorry guffawed.

Usopp fell silent as his face matched Chopper's hat hue for hue, Soundbite providing a whistling noise from his ears in between his cackles.