Chapter 46: The Awe-Inspiring Kancolle Affair!

Rule 1183: Under no circumstances are unknown shipgirls flying the skull and crossbones to be brought to base. It is not worth it.

Hornet AN: Rated R for Merry's filthy, filthy mouth. And my God, you guys have no idea how long I've been waiting to release this.

Admiral Goto sighed, rubbing his temples. It was far too early in the morning for this shit. "Okay, Ooyodo… run this one by me again."

"Yes, Admiral," Ooyodo nodded as she adjusted her glasses. "Earlier this morning, Nagato had another Crossroads nightmare and decided to go out onto the water to clear her head. She found the brig sloop you see tied up at the pier just as it emerged from a fogbank."

Indeed, a medium-sized sailing ship was tied up the pier, and oh, what a bizarre ship it was. The lion's head at the front wasn't too unusual for its size and coloration, but the two cabins protruding from the poop deck, what for all the world looked like the back end of a large jet engine sticking out of the upper stern, a large circular port with a large '1' painted on the side, and the tangerine trees dotting the deck were all quite different from what anyone familiar with the Age of Sail would expect. Most worrying, though, was the stylized skull and crossbones wearing a straw hat that was painted on the main sail and the black flag flying from the mainmast.

All in all, it was quite the intriguing ship, as ingenious as it was ludicrous. Indeed, kudos were to be given to whoever had figured out how to grow tangerines on board. No scurvy for them!

"Nagato boarded and found only a young girl frantically trying to run the ship, with a… surprising degree of success. It would appear that the helm and rigging have been configured so that they can be operated by a single person," Ooyodo continued. "The girl tried to run her off at first, but after Nagato explained that they were near Abyssal territory - and, interestingly - she allowed her to tow the ship back here."

"Hmm, I see…" Admiral Goto nodded in understanding before turning around and marching down from the balcony overlooking the base's waterfront. "And what's become of the girl?"

"Ah, that's… complicated, sir."

Goto tensed in dread. Anything capable of making Ooyodo—who, as his secretary ship, dealt with almost as much shit as he did—uneasy was guaranteed to be bad news. "What?"

"W-Well, you see, sir—" Ooyodo uncomfortably fiddled with her glasses as they arrived at the Admiral's office. "A-As you know, Kongo has been researching methods for you and her to have children once the war is over."

"And?"

"Well…" Ooyodo scratched the back of her head. "You see, there are other ships in the Fleet who share her desires, save that most of them are nowhere near as… shall we say, 'optimistic'?"

"What does any of this have to do with the situation at hand?"

Ooyodo sighed wearily as she laid her hands on the door. "It has everything do with the situation—" The light cruiser pushed the door open, revealing the scene inside. "Because Nagato is one of those ships."

Within Goto's office were a pair of individuals, one familiar and the other not. One was the battleship Nagato who, for her part, looked simply ecstatic as she squeezed, nuzzled, and practically smothered the head of the child she was lovingly (some might say desperately) clutching to her… ample fuel tanks. Meanwhile, said child, a young girl, was a stranger to Goto, and an oddly-dressed one at that: the hood of the orange raincoat she was wearing was pulled down to reveal a shock of white hair with swirls of brown above her ears, a metal choker wrapped around her neck that slightly matched the anklets affixed around her flailing heels, and gray leggings poked out from under the bottom of said coat. Her face was one that would likely have been absolutely adorable, if not for the fact that it was twisted in rage.

Then again, considering what some of the other girls on base wore, this was practically normal.

"—rat-infested cum-hauling termite-ridden low-grade-copper-plated—!"

"Is she a shipgirl?" Goto asked, an eyebrow raised at the steady stream of profanity flowing from the mouth of a girl who looked no older than his destroyers. "She's certainly got the mouth for it. I've heard less imaginative swearing while I was serving my commission."

"We're… not quite sure," Ooyodo replied, her lips pursed. "We think so, mostly due to Nagato squeezing her hard enough to crack ribs on a normal person, but when she forced her to disembark from the ship she was on—not an easy feat, mind you—she sank like a stone the moment she hit the water. But even then, well…" She searched for the words for a moment before shrugging helplessly. "I don't know what to say, Admiral, it's… just a feeling. Kinship, however tangential. I can… we can all tell she's a shipgirl. Whether by instinct or something else."

"Mm, no, I know the feeling," Goto said. After all, with Admirals across the world getting shipgirl powers, this… intuition would logically be one of them. "Nevertheless, if she is a shipgirl, a few questions arise: who is she? Who summoned her? And more importantly, what will we do with her?"

"Oh, Admiral, Admiral!" Nagato suddenly piped up. "Yes, I volunteer, I'll adopt her!"

"You'll what!?" Goto choked incredulously, while Ooyodo slapped her hand to her face with a weary groan.

The foreign shipgirl, for her part, was much more vocal in her disagreement to the idea.

"EXCUSE ME?!" she screeched, a slight accent seeming to slip into her voice.

"You heard me! I'll adopt you!" Nagato squealed eagerly as she spun the girl around. "Oooh, it'll be perfect! I'll be a mommy and Hoppo-chan will be a big sister! Oh! And I can call Colorado and tell her the news! She'll be thrilled to be a daddy! Then we'll all be one big happy family! Won't that be nice?"

Faintly, Goto almost swore he could hear a shout of "WHAT?!" coming from the general direction of Bremerton. Probably his imagination. Though with his luck, not something to count on.

The girl stared at Nagato like she'd grown a second head, her eye twitching furiously for a moment before she bared her teeth and spat—nay, howled—out a reply. "NO, YE GALLEON-HUMPING SEA KING-SUCKING LEAKY-HULLED CRACKED-KEEL SCURVY-RIDDEN HAG!" the shipgirl raged, sounding for all the world like a genuine grog-and-flintlock buccaneer. "I DON'T WANNA BE ADOPTED! I'VE ALREADY GOT MESELF A FAMILY, AND WHEN THEY FIND ME, THEY ARE GOING TO SEND EACH AND EVERYONE OF YE MARINE ROWBOATS STRAIGHT TO DAVY JONES' LOCKER, FASTER THAN YOU CAN SAY 'BATTEN DOWN THE HATCHES'! DO I MAKE MESELF—MMMPH!?"

The girl was cut off by Nagato shoving her head between her massive… guns. "Isn't she simply adorable?" she crooned, rubbing the girl's' hair lovingly (if a bit obsessively). "I'm going to love her and pet her and feed her—!"

"MMMMPH!" The shipgirl's struggles all but quintupled in Nagato's grip, taking on a very vivid hint of desperation. Still, she was no match for the force of the battleship's motherly love. That, and her 91,000-horsepower grip.

"Nagato…" Ooyodo sighed as she observed the sadly familiar madness unfurling before her. "Before this debacle devolves into a very twisted rendition of 'Of Mice and Men', I have but one question for you: do you even know this girl's name?"

"Of course I do!" Nagato indignantly replied. "It's… uh, it's…" She shifted her grip on the girl slightly as she tried to tap her lip in thought. "Give me a second, oka—YARGH!"

Goto raised an eyebrow as the girl took advantage of a slight slip in Nagato's grip to chomp down on her thumb with all the tenacity of a fighting pit bull. The sight of the battleship flailing around, trying to shake the girl off and failing miserably, was quite comical, and it served a dual purpose: first, it proved pretty conclusively that the girl was a shipgirl, because only a shipgirl would have the capacity to bite that hard and hang on for so long, and second, it irrefutably proved that Nagato was nowhere near ready to be anything resembling a parental figure. At least, not if the way she was repeatedly slamming the strange shipgirl's head against the wall in an effort to dislodge her was anything to go by.

Still, however fun this was to watch, they were in his office and he had a base to run.

"Nagato, you are not adopting this girl."

Both Nagato and the unknown froze, the battleship's boot firmly on the smaller girl's torso.

"I'm not?" Nagato whimpered, laying on a dose of puppy-dog eyes.

"Suc' it, bi—ACK!" the young girl started to crow before she was dislodged due to opening her jaw too much, bouncing off the wall as a result. "OW! Son of a—did they not shatter the bottle at your launching or something?"

"No," Goto repeated firmly to Nagato, by now thoroughly immune to all forms of puppy-dog eyes and distracting antics. "And that's final. And now that that's settled, might I ask what your name is, young lady?"

The unknown girl eyed the Admiral and shipgirls for a moment, before standing up straight and shooting a defiant glare at Goto. "Going Merry, Helmsman of the Straw Hat Pirates, 25 million beris," she announced proudly.

Goto blinked in surprise at the all-too-familiar greeting, taking a moment to puzzle out what the rest of it meant. "I'm assuming that was your version of name, rank, and serial number, but that last part… berries?"

"Weeell…" Merry tilted her head to the side as she trailed off. "It's supposed to be 'Name, rank and bounty', seeing how we don't have numbers. Cross said to only say that if the Marines ever questioned us because it'd drive them nuts, but really, we tend to drive you bastards way crazier with what we say than anything else."

Goto glanced at Ooyodo, who had a look on her face that said she was reading as much context, missing or otherwise, from Merry's words as he was.

Finally, Goto crouched down on his knee and looked the girl in the eye, ignoring the defiant way she glared at him. "This Cross sounds like a very smart person. Is he one of the friends who would be coming to get you?"

Merry's facade cracked instantly as she lit up with pride and glee. "Yup! Cross has to be smart, 'cause he's the third mate and Captain's an idiot! He's also the tactician, and the Commie—" All three fleet-members stiffened in alarm. "—but he calls himself a communications officer—" Before relaxing in relief. "—and the public relations officer, and the guy who takes care of all the animals! Oh, oh, and he's also on the World Government's Top Twenty Most Wanted List because he starts wars around the world with his words!"

Goto's eye twitched furiously as he reconciled the words 'Top Twenty Most Wanted' with the idea of 'proximity to and loyalty of shipgirls' before returning to the task at hand. "That sounds… very impressive. Although, seeing how you came here on what I assume was your crew's ship—?"

"That was an accident! That fogbank came out of nowhere! I was just taking Big Bro Sunny out for a run around the island we were docked at!" Merry pouted furiously. "We didn't leave the coastline, and the log pose in his helm still hadn't synced up yet! But the next thing I knew, I was getting attacked by these monster ships and then I was attacked by that Marine-lubber of a wench and—!"

"Yes, well!" Goto hastily cut her off before she could build herself into a lather. "The point is, your crew doesn't have a ship and the phenomenon that brought you here was unique, so how do you think they'll follow you here?"

Merry blinked as she considered what the Admiral said before smiling cheerfully. "They'll prolly' steal themselves a ship the second they realize I'm gone and follow me here. They'll find a way no matter what, come hell, high water or Marine fleet. They're…" Her expression took on a wistful overtone. "They're kind of awesome like that."

Ooyodo was forced to hide a smile as she observed the genuine adoration only a shipgirl could lavish on her crew, while Nagato shrunk in on herself as the display served to convince her that the precious child before her would never show her the same love in a million years.

"I'm glad to hear that," Goto nodded firmly. "Well, in the meantime, why don't you stay here while you wait for them?"

That served to snap Merry's mood right around, prompting her to snarl viciously at the Admiral. "Me, willingly stay on a Marine base!? You must have barnacles growing on your brain! If you think I'll ever willingly stay with you rudder-less lapdogs, THEN YE'VE GOT ANOTHER THING—!"

"Well, that's too bad," Ooyodo cut in hastily. "Mamiya, one of our better cooks, was just putting the finishing touches on a batch of cookies."

Merry trailed off slowly as she narrowed her eyes at the light cruiser. "What kind?"

"Chocolate chocolate chip."

Merry held the expression for a second before brightening up with a sunny grin. "Well, lead the way!"

"Sure thing, could you just wait outside for a moment? The Admiral and I need to…" She glanced at Goto. "Discuss matters?"

Merry frowned for a moment before shrugging in agreement. "Eh, whatever. Cookies!"

The second the small shipgirl was outside, Admiral and light cruiser looked at each other in disbelief.

"I can confirm with certainty that there is no one with the name 'Cross' on any Top Ten Most Wanted list in any country I am aware of, much less that of a 'World Government'," Ooyodo swiftly informed him.

"Is it possible that she could be from some form of… alternate reality? One whose history is different from our own?" Goto posited.

"Things are mad enough around here that I wouldn't discount it as a possibility," Ooyodo sighed wearily. "Your orders, Admiral?"

Goto was silent for a moment as he considered things before shaking his head. "There's nothing we can do. I'll call Briggs and Cunningham to see if they're missing any of their sail girls, but I won't hold my breath. For now, we wait and accommodate her the best we can. With any luck, her crew is as resourceful as she makes them sound, so they'll be able to find their way here. From there, we hand her off, and hopefully wipe our hands of this affair. We already have enough problems in our world, I don't want the Diet getting on my back for getting us embroiled with another."

Ooyodo nodded in understanding. "Glad to hear it." She slowly glanced to the side. "And, uh what about—?"

Goto followed her gaze and promptly stiffened in terror. Nagato was, well, not crying, not yet, but that was the issue: she was right on the borderline of breaking into tears. If she crossed that line, she'd set herself on a course for the galley and wouldn't stop until every carton of ice cream on base was thoroughly emptied.

Goto was about to resign himself to dipping into what was known as the 'Yukikaze Trust Fund' to keep the destroyers from revolting when someone knocked on the door.

"Come in!" he called out, breathing an internal sigh of relief as the white form of the Northern Ocean Princess—better known as Hoppo-chan—popped her head into the office.

Almost instantly, the battleship was snapped out of her funk as she hoisted the Abyssal into the air and bounced her over her head. "Oh, hello, Hoppo-chan!" she cooed eagerly. "What are you doing here? Are you hungry? Awww, poor thing! Come on, let's go and get you something to eat! Who's a good girl? You are, yes, you are!"

Hoppo shot a thumbs up over Nagato's shoulder at Goto as she was carried out of the office, a motion that the Admiral returned in relief.

Merry came back into the office a moment later with a dark look on her face. "I almost became that? I swear, if I ever end up in that kind of a situation, you're all waking up with your heads twisted on the wrong way."

"Duly noted," Goto nodded with a weary sigh. "Now, Ooyodo—"

He started to turn towards his secretary, only to freeze as he felt something start to tug at the back of his pants. Before he could react, there was the sound of shredding cloth, followed closely by the feel of a breeze around his legs. He whirled around to see Merry munching on his trousers, slurping up his pants leg with an innocent grin on her face.

"Nice heart boxers, Admiral," Ooyodo snickered, doing a bad job of hiding her grin behind her hand.

"Just… Just get her to Mamiya's, and then to one of the destroyer divisions."

-o-

"Come in," Goto announced a few hours later as he worked on some paperwork, waiting for a chance to call Briggs in Norfolk and Cunningham in Portsmouth.

The door opened, admitting a rather frazzled Tenryuu.

"Tenryuu," Goto said, sighing. "Let me guess, Merry?"

"This isn't going to work, Admiral," Tenryuu bit out.

Goto frowned. Tenryuu had a reputation for being able to handle any destroyer. She had wrangled the Taffies, and so far only Shimakaze on a sugar high had defeated her. "That bad?"

"She decided to share a few sea shanties with my destroyers," the light cruiser spat.

"I dread the answer, but… shanties?"

Tenryuu's eye twitched viciously as she recalled the scene she'd walked in on.

~o~

"Alright, everyone, all together now! Ooooh, there once was a Marine from Enies, whose head was shaped like a—!"

~o~

"Okay, okay, I get it!" Goto cried out, warding off the song with his hands and doing his best to keep the light cruiser from unconsciously pulping the edge his desk with her hands. "Don't worry, I'll move her. Is the corruption permanent?"

Tenryuu took a moment to blow a calming breath out her nose before slowly shaking her head. "No, no, it isn't, thank God. Still, I sent 'em to Hosho, just to be sure."

"Alright," Goto said, quickly printing a sheet and filling it out. "Get Merry and this to Sendai. I'm fairly certain that Desdiv 11 can handle her."

"Thanks, Admiral, that's all I ask." With a lazy salute, Tenryuu sauntered out the door, clearly in a much better mood. Smiling, Goto turned back to his work, but not before making a note.

1423. Sail girls are not allowed to teach destroyers sea shanties.

With any luck, Desdiv 11—or rather, Fubuki—would be much better equipped to handle their visitor.

~o~

"Alright, ladies and rowboats, the name of the game is South Blue Hold 'em!" Merry grinned as she shuffled the deck eagerly. "Aces are high, the joker's wild, and gold doubloons are the preferred currency."

"And the house gets half the pot when all's said and done!" Sendai piped up eagerly.

"I still say that this is a gross breach of protocol…" Murakumo grouched as she shifted her hand around.

"Heh, you sound like Fubuki," Hatsuyuki chuckled softly as she slouched on a cushion.

"Yeah, dumb old Fubuki would hate us having this much fun!" Sendai laughed in agreement.

"Um, that's not very nice…" Shirayuki softly admonished her ostensible superior.

"She is right though," Hatsuyuki chuckled lazily.

SLAM! "AHA!" Fubuki roared as she kicked the closet door open, causing the shipgirls to jump.

"It was all their idea, I had nothing to do with this," Hatsuyuki drawled as she let the cards fall from limp fingers.

"PRIVATEER!" Merry howled in betrayal.

"Now now, Fubuki, let's not all go crazy here…" Sendai said placatingly, motioning for the destroyer to calm down.

"I'm telling Admiral Goto about this!"

"GET HER!" Sendai roared as she jabbed a finger at her nominal subordinate.

"YEAH, GET HER!" Merry concurred as she swung her arm up to mirror the motion… and promptly froze in horror as a flurry of cards flew from her sleeve, cold sweat pouring down her in torrents as she felt the whole of Desdiv 11 glaring at her as one.

Well, Murakumo, Sendai, and Fubuki glared. Hatsuyuki didn't give a shit, and Shirayuki was too nice to glare.

"Ah, damn it. And Nami makes this seem so natural, too…" the caravel muttered to herself before grinning sheepishly. "Aheheh… ah… Is it too late to mulligan or—?"

"GET HER!" Sendai howled as she leapt at the small girl, a motion the two motivated destroyers mirrored.

~o~

Goto cocked an eyebrow as he looked at the overturned cardboard box before him. "And where did you get the idea for this, exactly?"

"Cross mentioned that it was a cliché from where he was from. It works surprisingly well!" Merry's voice glibly informed him.

"Uh-huh… And you thought starting a gambling ring was a good idea… why?"

"Always best to have some money on hand! Plus it's fun, of course."

"Of course."

"So, ah, do I just go back to them or…?"

"I'll call ahead to Jintsuu and tell her you'll be staying with Desdiv 16. They're that way."

The silence hung heavy in the air for a moment.

"Ah…?"

"To your left, sorry."

"Right!"

"No no, your other left!"

"Right again!"

Goto groaned as he slapped a hand to his face. The other Admirals couldn't call soon enough.

The second he returned to his desk, he swiftly made yet another note.

1424. No organized gambling rings are to be organized without inviting the Admiral.

He paused as he felt Ooyodo and Kongo glare at the back of his head through the rest of the base before putting another line below.

1424a. Correction: No gambling rings, period, organized or unorganized.

~o~

"You need to do something about this devil child, now!" Victorious snarled as she slammed a chain-wrapped Merry down on the Admiral's desk.

"Heya, Goat-y!" Merry snickered. "Long time no see! How's tricks?"

Goto stared at her for a moment before eyeing the British fleet assembled before him. "What did she do this time?"

"Absolutely nothing! I have been the picture of innocence!"

"You've been a horrid influence on every destroyer you've come in contact with!" King George V spat.

"Balderdash! Cockamamy! Lies and slander!"

"Now, girls," Goto said, holding his hands up placatingly. "I realize that there have been some issues with Merry, but surely—!"

"She convinced Desflot 24 to set up a bootleg rum distillery in their room!"

Goto froze at that before slowly staring flatly at Merry. "… Really?"

Merry pursed her lips for a moment before shrugging innocently. "In my defense, it took a lot of convincing to get them to do it."

"They had it set up within an hour!" Argonaut shrieked.

"As I said, a lot of convincing."

"I last saw you two hours ago," Goto deadpanned.

Merry froze as she considered that before shrugging. "I… have no excuse. Though I do wonder why they were so reluctant."

"That's because they're overcoming fucking alcoholism, just like the rest of us!" Victorious spat. "And you just set them back by months!"

"Well I wouldn't have gone to them if Desdiv 16 had agreed to help me!" Merry raged. "But nooooo, they insisted that the damn thing spit out sake! Do I look like a green-haired swordsman to you!? Tsk, I bet they're still making a mint off of my blueprints…"

Goto snapped his fingers, prompting Ooyodo to dash out of the room, before focusing back on Merry. "So far, you have managed to subvert, corrupt, and overall exploit well over a dozen of the shipgirls under my command. Tell me right now why I shouldn't throw you in the brig and be done with you."

Merry's eyes practically doubled in size as she stared tearfully at Goto. "Because I'm an adorable bundle of joy and innocence who can do no wrong."

"Desdiv 6 has that trick down to an artform. Pull the other one, it's got whistles and bells on it," Goto stated flatly.

Merry's expression flipped into a sadistic grin. "Because if my crew finds me behind bars, they will rip your base up by the fucking foundation and kick your rudders six ways from Sunday in the process, and trust me, that's not an exaggeration on my part."

Goto was silent for a moment before looking at Victorious. "Take her to Abukuma and Kinu. I've already written Desdiv 24 off as a lost cause anyways, one more won't hurt."

"Aye-aye, sir," Victorious saluted tiredly before picking up Merry. "Come on, you menace."

"That's White Menace to you! And do you think we can swing by Desflot 24's room on the way? I stashed a bottle beneath my bed before you raided us and—MMPH!"

"Thank you," Goto sighed in relief as the troublemaker was finally gagged. He then wearily jotted down yet another note, before remembering that they'd already written this one down.

691. The still in the repair ship's barracks has to go.

He still didn't know what he had been thinking, sending Junyou to dispose of it. Goto allowed himself a weary grin as he leaned back in his seat. Merry was living up to her apparent nom de guerre, but he had an appointment with Cunningham and Briggs soon, so things would hopefully turn out for the best soon enough.

~o~

He wasn't smiling a half hour later as he talked to the other admirals.

"So, none of your sail girls are missing," he repeated flatly.

"Nope, sorry," Admiral Cunningham said over the conference video call.

"… Are you sure none of you want a ship girl?"

"Nice try, Goto, but Victorious already called us. Count yourself lucky I managed to stop Indefatigable and Implacable from leaving Portsmouth," Admiral Cunningham stated neutrally.

"Damn it," Goto spat to himself, before blinking. "Wait, which—"

"Both of them."

"Either way," Briggs cut in. "I do not envy you if you have to handle a sail girl, especially one who claims to be a pirate."

Goto frowned. "Why? What does that have to do with anything?"

"Simple: most sail girls are crazy. Well, crazier than their steel counterparts, at any rate. We think it has something to do with age. Turns out that World War II wasn't the high point of insanity in the history of humanity," Briggs answered. "Anyways, the frigates are the craziest of them all, and all of them are warships, not pirates. If she is a pirate shipgirl as she claims?" The American admiral shuddered dramatically. "Pray that her crew actually does manage to take her off your hands, and soon."

"Oh, one more thing," Cunningham added. "Fair warning, we've been doing exercises with Trincomalee, and she maneuvers very differently from steam-powered girls. Southampton was having serious trouble targeting her. Chances are, due to how different their thought processes are, your more modern shipgirls will have a hard time getting a bead on her."

Goto sighed. Well, that wasn't as bad as he'd feared.

It was worse.

"Well, thank you for your time, gentlemen," he replied. "Now, we're all busy men, so I won't hold you here any longer. Goodbye."

As the teleconference ended, Goto leaned back in his chair, and resolved not to think about the small sail girl until he had to.

~o~

Merry carefully modulated her breathing as she stared up into the ceiling of the room she'd been moved to, wide awake. The caravel felt a slight twinge of regret at what she was about to do; the girls of Desdiv 6 had been so fun to try and corrupt, especially Inazuma, who was very clearly slamming face-first into puberty; Desdiv 11's members were alright when they weren't narking on her; and Desflot 24 were really fun drunks. As for Desdiv 24, they were just crazy, but in a fun way. Hell, even her minders had been nice. Tenryuu reminded her of Nami, Sendai was hilarious, and Abukuma was just so adorable! trying to be authoritative.

Still, this wasn't her world, and she needed to get back to the Sunny, back out to sea, back to her crew. And she had a plan for that too: sneak out, get to the Sunny, and take down everyone in her way.

Okay, not a great plan, but it was more than what her Captain had done on many occasions! Heck, it was better than half of Cross's plans, too.

Sitting up, she listened for any change. Nothing. She slid out of bed, still clad in her clothes, and froze as she heard a rustle of cloth.

"Pink elephants… on parade…" Kagero mumbled as she rolled over in bed.

Merry heaved a silent sigh of relief and slipped her coat's hood up. Standing in front of the door, she schooled her expression, opened the door—and nearly blurted out a blue streak when she saw Kinu, Abukuma's sister, standing in front of her.

"Oh, hey, Merry," the light cruiser said, mildly surprised and slightly groggy from waking up. "Do you need to go to the bathroom?"

"Y-Yeah." Merry hastily slid into character, putting as much youthful wobble into her voice and eyes as she danced from foot to foot. "A-And I don't know where it is. Can you help me? I don't wanna go wee-wee in my panties…"

"Aww, there, there…" Kinu said sweetly as she tousled the caravel's hair. "Alright! Follow me, then."

Kinu turned around, and thus did not notice a bloodthirsty grin spread across Merry's face.

"Come on, it's just this—!"

KLONG!

"OW!" Kinu yelped, wheeling around and clutching the back of her skull in pain. "What was that for!?"

Merry blinked in confusion as she hefted the frying pan she was holding. "But Cross said that always—oh, no, wait, I see what I did wrong! Hold still a second!"

"What are you—!?" Merry interrupted Kinu by jumping up and slamming the frying pan into her face, putting her out like a light.

Merry nodded satisfaction as she spun the frying pan in her grip. "Right! Front of the head for K.O., back for trauma. Alright, now what's next… Oh, right! Stash the body!"

Merry grabbed Kinu under her armpits, eased the door to Desdiv 24's room open, and left her slumped on the floor. Hopefully no one would notice her for a while.

She'd barely gone two steps when she heard Kasumi shriek in terror from the room.

"Okay, on to Cross's Plan B," she muttered as she broke into a sprint. "Run like hell!"

~o~

"Alright, Admiral, we've got her now! Just give me a few minutes alone with her and—WARGH!"

"Murakumo!" Goto shouted into the radio as an explosion rocked the base. "What happened?"

"She's throwing torpedoes at us!"

"She doesn't have rigging! How—!"

"No, I mean she found the armory and is literally picking up torpedoes and throwing them at us! And they keep freaking exploding!"

Goto winced and once again cursed the bright spark who had come up with oxygen propulsion for the Long Lance. "Are you okay?"

"Eurgh, yeah, but she blasted the corridor to hell and back. We're gonna need to go the long way around, and she's gonna get away. Again."

"Fall back, Murakumo, Shigure," Goto ordered. "Nagato and Kongo are guarding her ship. She's not going anywhere."

~o~

Merry grit her teeth as she looked out on the shipgirls crowding the pier in front of her. A half dozen destroyers, a heavy cruiser with her seaplanes out, and battleships Nagato and Kongo.

Not that Merry knew that. All she knew was that there were six little ones, two big ones, a new medium type, and that all of them could reduce her to splinters in short order. Worse, she couldn't think of a way to get past them.

A finger tapped on her shoulder, and Merry whirled around, rearing her fist back to try and punch out whoever had snuck up on her. It worked on the little ones, at least.

As it turned out, though, it was just Hoppo-chan.

"What are you doing here?" she whispered furiously before stiffening in terror. "Don't tell me that gaol-galleon is here! Because I swear, I love my crew, but I will scuttle myself before I surrender to her!"

Hoppo answered by frantically shaking her head before pointing upwards. Merry followed the finger to see a metal grating, leading into some kind of vent or duct.

"Oh, I see," Merry said, grinning. "A Cross classic. Don't know why I didn't think of it in the first place! Thanks, I owe you one."

The white girl gave a thumbs-up, and began walking in the opposite direction, leaving Merry to jump up, rip open the grate, and crawl into the vent.

~o~

"No sign of her!" Murakumo and Shigure reported as they ran up to the pier.

"My seaplanes aren't finding anything, either," Chikuma reported, before wincing miserably. "Correction: they just found another Molotov cocktail trap. Goddamn it, how many of those bottles did she stash!?"

"Well, if she's trying to wear us down, she won't succeed!" Nagato announced. "I want CONSTANT VIGILANCE! AND MY CUDDLES!"

"You have ISSUES, Nagato. You have very bad ISSUES…" Kongo muttered absentmindedly.

Nagato blinked, noticing that Kongo was staring at a section of the wall instead of her. "Kongo, what are you—"

"Shigure, Murakumo!" the fast battleship suddenly barked. "Go check the vents!"

Nagato paled as she realized that one of the vents opened up behind their task force, barely a few feet from the ship. She paled further when she noticed that said vent had been kicked open.

"Then that means—!"

"Mwahahahahahahahahahaha!"

The shipgirls on the pier spun towards the Thousand Sunny, seeing Merry poke her head out from behind the lion's head.

"Sucks to be you lot!" she laughed. "I'm on my big brother now, and there's not a fucking thing you salt huffers can do about it!"

"Merry, please!" Nagato pleaded. "We have…" She glanced around the task force. "Enough firepower to level a small city! Don't make us use it!"

Merry grinned viciously as she reached for a very comforting lever. "Oh, that's really impressive. I'm so scared. Here's my response!" She ducked back behind Sunny's head as she yanked the lever. An ominous clunk echoed out, followed by the lion's head opening and revealing a metallic barrel.

Nagato blinked in confusion. "What the heck—"

"Everybody move!" Kongo barked, diving downward.

"Gaon Cannon, bitches!" Merry cackled.

There was an almighty roar as a veritable hurricane of compressed air blasted out from the lion's head. The shipgirls on the pier were simply not heavy enough, regardless of how strong they were, to withstand the blast, and were sent flying. And the buildings fared even worse. As the Gaon Cannon finished roaring, Yokosuka's waterfront was in ruins.

"Later, suckers!" Merry cackled, throwing the rudder hard right and flipping a myriad of levers and toggles as she activated Chicken Voyage, wheeling Sunny around and dropping his sails. Soon she was out of the harbor and heading out into Tokyo Bay.

Of course, as this was Tokyo Bay, waiting for her at the mouth was a very unwelcome sight.

"Please turn back, Miss Merry!" Yamato called, her rigging fully deployed. "We don't want to hurt you!"

"Speak for yourself," came a voice from the starboard side of the ship. Merry's head whirled to that side to see a swimsuit-clad girl poking her head out of the water and aiming a rather large gun at the Sunny.

"That's mean, Imuya!" Goya spoke up from the other side.

Merry looked between the two submarines flanking her and the battleship before her, then put on a brave face and looked back at Yamato, her hand inching towards the Coup de Burst lever all the while. "Oh, yeah? I faced down a fleet of warships ten times your size to save my crew, and I came out of that without a scratch! Give me one reason why this should be any different!"

Yamato sighed, and then there was an almighty bang. Merry's eyes widened as a massive cloud of smoke and fire enveloped the battleship, and she just barely saw the massive shell fly just past the bow before hitting the sea and throwing up a column of water taller than the Sunny's masts.

The caravel trembled furiously for a second as she thought very carefully before ultimately sighing in defeat and letting go of Sunny's controls, wincing as the ship groaned miserably.

"That's a good reason…" she whimpered.

~o~

"I gotta say," Tenryuu drawled as she steamed alongside the Thousand Sunny, which was being towed by Yamato. "I honestly don't know whether to cheer you on for being a complete badass, or give you spanking for being a bad girl."

A muffled mumble about Tenryuu blowing something out of her magazine was Merry's only response, and Tenryuu sighed and pulled a little closer.

"Look, kid," she began. "You've just pulled off a massive accomplishment. How many shipgirls can say they fought their way, single-handedly, out of an entire naval base? Be proud of that, at least." She tapped her chin in thought. "Come to think of it, why didn't you just sail out yourself? I heard that you sank after Nagato dropped you in the water, so why's that? Why'd you have to ride your…" She glanced at Sunny's figurehead. "'Big bro'?"

Silence.

"Well, either way, we're here," Tenryuu sighed as the Thousand Sunny nosed back up to the pier, a scorched and battered Kongo and Nagato waiting and looking quite peeved. As the pier workers began wrestling with the ropes, Merry hopped down from the deck and stomped past Tenryuu, snarling and growling viciously under her breath.

"Alright, then," the light cruiser said, slapping the other girl's back. "I can see you don't wanna talk about… this…" Frowning, Tenryuu suddenly knelt down and pulled up Merry's coat and the shirt underneath.

"Hey, watch it! I thought that Nagato bitch was the pedophile, not you! Help, bad touch! Bad touch!" the shipgirl snapped in the first real display of emotion since Tenryuu had arrived, drawing Nagato and Kongo's attention in the process. "What in the name of Davy Jones do you think you're—!"

"What happened here?" Tenryuu hissed, her voice dripping with barely restrained fury. Behind her, she could hear Yamato gasp and Kongo suck in a breath.

Merry instantly froze as she felt the cruiser's fingers run across her back, tracing over the livid scar that ran just below her shoulder blades. The expanse of mutilated flesh was jagged, deep, and stretched clear across her entire back.

Scars were not common for shipgirls. Arizona and Warspite were the only ones Tenryuu could recall off the top of her head that had any, and the wounds that left them had not only been fatal and crippling, respectively, but beyond traumatic to boot. This… This was nearly on par.

"O-Oh, that?" Merry hedged nervously. "I-It's, ah, just an old wound, nothing to worry abou—"

"Bullshit," Tenryuu spat, her vision flashing red as she scanned the bands of metal around the girl's neck and ankles. "What- What happened to you? An accident, enemy action!? Or…" She narrowed her eyes viciously as a thought struck her. "Your cr—?"

"HOW FUCKING DARE YOU!"

The warships leapt in shock when Merry spun around and roared at them, exhibiting more raw fury then most of them had seen in their whole existences.

By which we mean, since the last time someone had interrupted Kongo's tea hour.

"WHERE THE HELL DO YOU GET OFF SAYING ANYTHING, ANYTHING ABOUT MY CREW!? ABOUT MY FAMILY!?" Merry demanded, glaring viciously at Tenryuu. "YOU KNOW ABSOLUTELY JACK SHIT ABOUT THEM! YOU WANT SOMEONE TO BLAME FOR THAT SCAR!? THEN YOU CAN FUCKING BLAME ME!"

"W-What!?" Nagato sputtered in shock. "No, no, Merry! That's not—!"

"YES, IT IS!" Merry shrieked. "I KNEW IT WAS COMING, I COULD FEEL IT COMING IN MY PLANKS AND I LIED TO MY CREW WHEN THEY ASKED IF I WAS OKAY!"

Kongou blinked in confusion. "Huh? Wait, lied? What are you—?"

"I used a Klabautermann to try and fix myself!" the caravel hissed.

The warships gasped in shock. "A-A Klabautermann!?" Tenryuu choked. "Merry, that's an incredibly risky—!"

"My keel fucking cracked that day, I was so far beyond risk!" Merry plowed onwards. "It cracked, and Cross tried to help me, and I lied to his face when he asked me if I was alright! I lied to him after he helped me! I was ready to give up and sink for their sakes, but he convinced me to keep fighting, to live! If it weren't for him, I would have let myself sink then and there!"

Tenryuu swallowed heavily as she tried to steady her nerve. "Ah—M-Merry, I—!"

"I had no right to live!" Merry shouted, advancing on Tenryuu in a haze of fury. "I had every reason to sink myself, I should have sunk for their sakes, but he told me otherwise! He told me it wasn't wrong to dream of staying with them, he told me it was alright for me to live! Thanks to him, thanks to all of their support, I carried them for two. Months! And even after they found out I wasn't fixable, after it was apparent that I was little more than a floating pile of kindling, they still fought to keep me with them!"

Tenryuu hastily backpedalled as a blazing red aura grew up behind Merry, the caravel still advancing. "SO DON'T YA FUCKIN' DARE IMPLY THAT ME CREW DID THIS TA ME! THOSE BRAVE BASTARDS, THOSE GODSENDS, THEY FOUGHT TOOTH AND NAIL TO KEEP ME! THEY BROKE REALITY ITSELF TO MAKE ME WHO I AM! SO WHEN YOU SPEAK ILL O' THAT SCAR, YOU SPEAK ILL A' ME, BECAUSE IT'S A MARK OF ME OWN STUBBORN PRIDE, AND IT IS A BADGE OF MY FUCKING HONOR AS NOT ONLY A PIRATE BUT A STRAW HAT PIRATE TO BOOT! DO I MAKE MESELF—!?"

"A—damn it—Attention, Marine base!"

All five shipgirls jumped as they were suddenly interrupted. Whirling around, four of the five blinked in confusion as they were confronted with the bizarre sight of what appeared to be a three-masted broadside sloop-of-war. The hull was painted a deep blue-grey and what looked like a seagull was painted on the sails alongside the word MARINE. And more importantly, the ship looked like it was in incredibly rough condition, barely qualifying as seaworthy.

"Ah-hem," the voice from before boomed through the air. "I repeat, attention Marine Base! This is, ah… Commodore Gendarme of the Marines? We have received reports that 'White Menace' Going Merry and the Strawhats' ship were in port, so thanks for holding them for us, but we'll take them from here."

Faster than Shimakaze on a sugar high, Merry's expression shifted from pissed off to confused to jubilant and then back to angry, if a slightly over-exaggerated version of the emotion. "You'll never take me alive, you kelp slurping turtle fucking sons of sea wenches!"

"What in the hell…?" Nagato breathed. "Who are—?"

"They're never gonna buy this…" a female voice grumbled.

"Shut up! I'm still transmitting!"

"Oops…"

"HAHAHAHA!"

Merry's eye twitched as she tried to maintain a neutral expression, snapping a glare at Kongo as the latter stepped forward. "I don't know who you are!" she called up. "But you shouldn't have picked the US Marines of all people to impersonate." She smirked. "Because really, I don't know what that thing is, but it doesn't look like an amphibious assault ship to me."

"Ah, w-w-well you see!" a panicked nasally voice hastily piped up. "T-That's because this is a super secret model of ship known as the—!"

"Give it up, Usopp, our cover's already blown. Hell if I know how, but these aren't our Marines we're dealing with. There's only one thing for it now. ALRIGHT, EVERYONE, PLAN B!"

"WOOHOO, I LOVE PLAN B!"

Kongo frowned in confusion as a trio of blurs shot off the ship. "What the—!?"

"Gum-Gum Rifle!"

"Strong Right!"

"Cherry Blossom Blast!"

Kongo stood tall for a second before slowly tilting backwards, impact and blast marks decorating her front. Her assailants lowered themselves down from their attack stances, and were then joined by several more, hopping down from the ship.

There was a large man in a Hawaiian shirt, speedo, and sunglasses, looking like nothing more than an unholy fusion of Popeye and Ace Ventura.

There was a dark-haired woman in designer clothes, utterly normal and yet quietly terrifying.

There was a man-deer with a blue nose, red hat, and bulked-up arms.

There was a teenager in a button-down shirt and shorts, with blue hair in a tight ponytail riding on a large, saddled duck. One hand spun a chain with a crescent-shaped blade on the end of it while the other held an identical blade and chain.

There was an older woman, her hair done up in a bun with small wings sticking out of her back. A large bazooka was held in her right hand, and another slung across her back. A white fox was perched on her shoulder as well.

There was a curly-haired young man, wearing overalls, a bandana, and goggles, and he had the most ridiculously long nose. He also held a massive slingshot-staff combo in his hands.

There was an orange-haired young woman in a tank top and miniskirt, brandishing a staff with spherical attachments along its length. She was surrounded by what appeared to be a white cloud streaming from the butt of her staff that was waving and twisting around her as though it had a mind of its own.

There was what appeared to be a relatively normal young man in a hooded jacket and jeans, the hood drawn up over a ball cap and headphones around his neck, except in his right hand was a large sword, in his left an equally large bazooka, and perched on his shoulder was a snail with a freaking phone built into its shell.

There was a blonde man in a black suit, a cigarette dangling carelessly from his mouth.

There was a green-haired man in t-shirt, pants and hakama, two katanas hanging from his side.

Surrounding them was a quintet of what for all the world looked like small shelled dugongs, one with a pair of nunchucks, one with a pair of katana, one with a pair of sai, one with a bo staff, and one with a rope-dart.

And at the lead of them all was a black-haired young man in a straw hat, red vest, and jean shorts, who practically radiated power and charisma.

Of course, this was Tenryuu, Nagato, and Yamato. They weren't going to just back down. Nagato pointed her 16" guns at the interlopers—

"VENGEANCE!"

Only for Merry to leap at her and latch onto her face like a facehugger, tearing at her face with all the viciousness of a rabid wolverine.

Which left Tenryuu and Yamato to face the entire Straw Hat Pirates.

"SOUND THE ALARM, INTRUDERS IN THE BASE!"

"GET THEM!"

"CHARGE!"

Well, them and the combined forces of Desdivs 29 and 30, for what they were worth.

The Straw Hats observed the approaching mob for a moment before the one with the snail looked at the orange-haired one. "You want to, or should I?"

The orange-haired woman tilted her head to the side in thought, the cloud following the motion before she shrugged and started twirling her staff, apparently causing the cloud to darken and crackle menacingly. "Just keep them in place for a second, alright?"

The snail-carrier nodded in understanding before hauling back the arm holding his sword. "You heard her, Funkfreed. Go…" He then snapped his arm forwards and flung the sword at the oncoming mob of destroyers. "GET THEM!"

To the shock of all observing, the sword morphed in midair, shifting into an elephant of all things that stampeded towards the destroyers, breaking their loose formation with a swing of its tusks and trunk.

Before the destroyers could successfully rally, the orange-haired woman swung her staff out, snapping the dark cloud out into a scorpion-tail esque form that was crackling with lightning. "Sorry about this, but we're not leaving without Merry! Now, LIGHTNING STRIKE TEMPO!" And with that, the cloud snapped forwards, lashing out a vicious chain of lightning that washed over the mob of destroyers just as the elephant snapped back into its sword form.

The orange-haired woman sniffed confidently. "And that's that! Boss, Usopp, you keep an eye out for any others!"

"Aye aye, ma'am!"

"I still say we grab Merry and run like heck. Then again, who am I to argue with someone who periodically fries people with lightning?"

"What was that!?"

"N-Nothing, Nami!"

"Move your ass, longnose, move!"

"Oh, no, you don't!" Yamato snarled as she swung a 6.1" turret around at the sniper and dugong. She mentally pulled the trigger—

BA-BLAM!

And jerked in shock as half her rigging practically imploded on account of—a plugged barrel!?

"Call me an old softie," the large blue-haired gorilla man grinned as he held her turret barrel in place with his massive hand. "But I'd really rather you didn't blow my friends to pieces. It's SUPER rude, don't you know?"

"Which is why I'm really sorry about this!"

Yamato swung her head around at the voice, and promptly paled in horror at the sight of the massive cannon-barrel being stuck in her face by the angel-winged woman. "Again, really sorry," she sighed apologetically, a sentiment opposed by her pulling the trigger and unleashing a wave of pain straight in her face. The battleship staggered back, but to the surprise of both quickly righted herself with only some minor burns and unleashed a tide of 25mm shells at them.

"YEOW!" the large man yelped as he shielded the cannon-wielder with his body. "What the hell is this chick made of!?"

"Hopefully this! Excuse me!"

Yamato swung her turrets around as a large finger tapped her on the shoulder—

CRUNCH!

And stiffened in shock as another gorilla-man, this one actually covered in fur and sporting a blue nose of all things, shoved a liquid-filled vial down her throat.

The battleship stood still for a moment as the liquid unwillingly trickled down her throat, slowly integrating itself with her body's chemistry. Finally, however…

"HURK!" Yamato doubled over miserably as a wave of nausea coursed through her. Acting fast, the shipgirl dashed to the side of the pier and unloaded her stomach's contents into the harbor, heaving as heavily as she could until there was nothing left.

"Oh, you—ugh!—sons of bitches…" she groaned, equal parts rage and sickness coloring her voice. "I swear to God, I am going to—!"

She cut herself off as she felt something heavy and slightly slimy plop down on top of her head. Turning her eyes upwards, she blinked in confusion as she took in the grinning something perched on her skull. "The hell—?"

"Soundbite? Gastro-Blast."

"RA-RA-SHISHBOOM-BAH!"

Yamato had a second to wonder how the hell the snail was talking before her world became pure agony. Everything rang and shook for the battleship, her eyes crossing and her body shaking before she gave up the fight and fell unconscious.

The snail-wielder smirked confidently as he plopped the afore-named Soundbite down on his shoulder. "Well, that was ea…sy?" He trailed off as he noted Imuya and Goya staring at him in horror from the water.

The pirate was silent for a moment before he and his snail slowly donned vicious grins. "Heeeeeey," the two chorused menacingly.

The submarines instantly dove under the water with dual shrieks of terror. They remembered what had happened to Kitakami and Iku, after all.

"Ohoh, you can run, but you sure as hell can't hide!" the pirate crowed as he swung up the cannon he was bearing. "OK, Lassoo, Cani-Cannon!" The second the pirate spoke, the cannon started blasting out a barrage of baseballs, littering the water with them.

Ten seconds later, Yokosuka Harbor erupted into a pillar of liquid. Amidst the resultant rain, the two submarines slammed into the pier, flopping and flailing around in a blind panic for a second before finally falling still, foam bubbling out of their mouths.

"NOW that WAS EASY!" Soundbite cackled.

Finally, all that were left were Tenryuu and the swordsman squaring off against one another. The light cruiser and the pirate stared at each other, probing each other's defenses as they gripped their sheathed swords. Finally…

"Oni—!" the swordsman started, dashing forwards and curving his arms back as he unsheathed his blades, signalling Tenryuu what was coming. She dashed forward, her sword held out in a thrust straight for the swordsman's forehead, which halted the attack as he hit the brakes to avoid getting skewered. The two broke off into ready stances, reading each other with professional ease.

"Hey," the swordsman grunted. "What's your name?"

"Tenryuu," the light cruiser bit out.

"I'll remember it," the swordsman replied. "My name is Roronoa Zoro." And with that, he sheathed his swords and leaned forward.

"Two-Sword Style!"

Tenryuu tensed, preparing to meet the attack.

"Castle Gate!" Zoro cried out, dashing forward. Tenryuu's eyes widened and she brought up her sword to block. To her dismay, the attack cut through her sword like it was made of butter instead of armor-grade steel, in two places at once, at that. Naturally, the swords continued and carved into her chest, carving two gaping wounds into her body. She fell forward onto her knees, blood—or perhaps oil—streaming from the massive gashes. She felt, rather than saw, Zoro step up behind her, and she hauled herself to her feet, gritting her teeth and presenting her front.

Zoro blinked, then grinned. "A worthy opponent, indeed." And with that, he drove his sword into her gut. That was the final straw, and Tenryuu collapsed, catching sight of Nagato keeling over under Merry's facehugger impression before dogpiled by the rest of the crew.

'Heh,' she thought. 'At least I'm not the only one. And at least… she's in good hands.'

~o~

"Guys, you came! I've never been so happy to see you!" Merry sobbed comically, throwing herself into Cross's open arms.

"Good to see you again, Merry!" he replied as he caught her and threw her up into the air. "We're so glad you're safe, we were so worried! Did you behave while we were gone?"

"Uh-huh, uh-huh!" Merry nodded eagerly. "I raised hell, tried to escape at every opportunity, and when I was given the chance, I went straight for the eyes!"

Cross gasped in awe as he caught her and held her above his head. "That's very good, Merry! I-I'm so proud!"

"Yes, yes, so am I!" Vivi wheezed as she fought against Nagato's inhuman strength, yanking her Lion Cutter taut against the battleship's throat, to no effect. "Now, will one of you guys help me already!? She won't give up!"

"Me…rry…" Nagato wheezed out as she reached towards the caravel.

"What da hell is dis woman's malfunction!?" Carue squawked as he tried and failed to use his mass to pin the shipgirl down.

Merry rolled her eyes with an exasperated huff before twisting her way out of Cross's grip. "Alright, alright, I can handle her. Give her a clear view of me."

Once Merry was certain the battleship was looking straight at her, she widened her eyes to their fullest extent and made them as watery as possible before sticking out her lip and quivering it, hence placing her expression at maximum cuteness. "I wuv you, Mama Nagatoh!"

Nagato stared at Merry in awe for one second… two… three…

SPLURT!

"GAH!"

"Oh, holy shit."

Before keeling over on account of massive jets of blood spurting out of her nose, a euphoric grin painted on her face.

"I… have no words," Cross stated succinctly.

"Should we still let her live?" Nami asked uncomfortably.

"Nah, she's harmless," Merry said dismissively, waving her off without care. "I think that was more the cuteness factor than anything nefarious. Think of her like a female Sanji."

"Ooooohhhh…" the Straw Hats chorused in understanding, before Sanji did a double-take.

"Hey, I'm not that bad!" the cook protested.

"Not yet, you aren't," Cross shot back with a grim chuckle.

Grinning, Merry turned around and looked over Kongo, with her cratered front; Yamato, scorched and bleeding from her ears; Nagato, twitching in a pool of her own blood, an expression of bliss on her face; and Tenryuu, bleeding out on the ground. Not to mention the pile of fried destroyer and the insensate forms of Goya and Imuya.

"Geez, you guys could have gone a little easier on them…" she grumbled. "They were nice to me… for the most part, as much as Marines can be nice. Except for Nagato, she was cray-cray, and not in a fun way, either."

"Sorry about that, Merry," Cross said, rubbing the back of his head sheepishly. "We didn't know the situation, so we decided not to hold back."

"And you're WORKING OUT frustrations, too," Soundbite added with a snicker.

"We were chased down by a killer pigeon! My bounty is well and good, but I still want some pride, damn it!" Cross raged furiously.

"It's fine, they're tough. And they've got all sorts of cool healing techniques for people like me," Merry said as she clambered onto Franky's shoulders. "Did you know they heal by sitting in hot baths? No offense, Franky, but a lot of old aches left me after one go!"

"That's super, sis!" Franky whooped as he shot her a thumbs-up.

"Oh, really?" Chopper asked, eyeing her curiously. "You'll have to tell me all about it. Medical texts don't exactly cover cases like yours, but with this knowledge I could create an entire new branch of medicine! Think of the possibilities! THE THRILL OF THE SEARCH! LET US BEGIN THE—!"

CLONK!

"Thank you, Conis. Also, ow!"

"Sorry, Chopper!"

Merry giggled as her crew fell back into old habits. However, an oppressive, droning buzz caught her attention, and she glanced around, looking for the source.

"Soundbite?" she began, injecting a note of authority into her voice. "Did you leave the Gastro-Phony on again?"

"This isn't me!" the snail protested.

"Uh, guys?" Usopp cut in, shaking and staring towards the distant western horizon. "What the hell is that?!"

The crew turned their gazes to where Usopp was pointing. A massive, amorphous black cloud was advancing towards them at alarming speed.

"… Okay, got me, I never saw anything like this while I was here," Merry said, a hint of worry in her voice.

Cross held his hand out to Nami, who handed him her spyglass. He snapped it open and took one look at the horizon before slowly lowering the device with a pained grimace. "Hey, guys? I think I know where we are."

"Oh, yeah? Where?" Luffy asked eagerly.

Cross allowed a horrified shudder to course through him. "Home. My home. Now, unless I'm misreading those roundels and those aren't Japanese fighter planes soaring towards us, I'd suggest we get the hell out of Dodge before we recreate a little historical event known as PEARL FREAKING HARBOR!"

"KAMIKAZE AT 12 O' CLOCK!" Soundbite shrieked as he snapped back into his shell.

Nami and Zoro glanced at each other before the second mate came to a decision. "Right, I don't know what the significance of Pearl Harbor is, but I'm gonna take your panicked reaction at face value and say that it's bad." She glanced around at the stunned forms of the crew. "That means get on the ship and get ready to leave, you morons!"

"Yes, ma'am!" most of the crew barked, except for Luffy and Sanji.

"Aw, come on, Nami, Cross!" Luffy whined. "I wanna fight them! I've never fought flying enemies before! And those CP bastards don't count, so don't even say it!"

"And I can't leave before I found out if there are any more ladies here!" Sanji added. "If they're half as pretty as the ones you guys mauled beyond recognition, then—!"

"Right, screw this," Cross spat as he snapped his headphones on and jabbed a finger at Luffy. "Soundbite, Gastro-Phony."

"Lightning Strike Tempo!" Nami snarled as she lashed out with her Clima-Tact.

Both Sanji and Luffy promptly collapsed, Luffy green from trying to hold in his half-digested third lunch and Sanji twitching and spasming as smoke curled off him. With Zoro carrying them, the Straw Hats got the Thousand Sunny under way in record time.

As they made their way out of Tokyo Bay and past the insensate forms of the picket submarines, stealing fearful glances back at the swarm of Vals, Kates, and Zeroes all the while, Merry couldn't help herself. She started giggling again, bursting into full-on laughter as they got to open ocean. She was still laughing an hour later when an Abyssal Re-class battleship popped out of the water in front of the Sunny.

"AH! MONSTER!" Usopp screeched.

"A pretty monster!" Sanji swooned.

"So, Merry, is this a hostile monster, or…?" Cross trailed off as the battleship pointed her tail and the guns mounted within at the Sunny. "Welp, that answers that."

The Re-class battleship was afforded only a moment of confusion as the humans didn't try to run before the crew, sans Sanji, hauled themselves up onto the Sunny's railing, weapons and fists at ready and predatory gleams in their eyes.

The Abyssal and her tail had just enough time to shoot terrified glances at each other before a rubber fist grabbed the shipgirl's throat and yanked them aboard.

-o-

"Alright, what's the damage?" Goto groaned.

"We have three battleships, one heavy cruiser, two light cruisers, seven submarines, and sixteen destroyers out of commission for at least a week," Ooyodo reported. "We have another seventeen shipgirls with lesser damage who should be good to go tomorrow. As for the base…" The secretary ship flipped to another sheet of paper. "The portside warehouse district has been levelled, the cafeteria is out of commission and will be for at least three days, and the destroyer dorms will need to be rebuilt." She sighed. "Again."

"Okay…" Goto sighed. "I assume everyone's been told not to bring in strange shipgirls flying Jolly Rogers?"

"Yes."

"And the Abyssal at my window?"

Ooyodo glanced at the disheveled Re-class battleship clinging to the glass like a lamprey, tears streaming down from the puppy-dog eyes shining into the office and her tail holding up a sign that read "Will fight for food and a good home."

"I took the liberty of contacting Re-chan down in the Marquesas," Ooyodo replied. "She'll take her in."

Goto smirked viciously as he turned around to face his desk. "Good. The Americans will be happy about needing one less battleship on the Australian Route."

THUMP!

Ooyodo took a look behind him before grimacing miserably. "Ah… I'm afraid it won't be that easy, sir."

Goto ground out a weary sigh before slowly wheeling back around.

Plastered on the glass next to the Re-class was Hoppo-chan, who also had tears streaming down her cheeks and was holding up a sign of her own, which read "Will do anything for big sister."

THUMP!

And just like that Nagato was there as well, joining the two in their tear-filled pleading. Though the bandages wrapped around her body kinda ruined the image a bit.

Goto's eye twitched furiously for a moment before he slowly turned back to his desk. "Is there… anything else?"

FLASH!

It was a testament to the base's state of affairs that Goto barely even reacted to a piece of paper suddenly appearing on his desk from out of nowhere.

Wait until she comes back for a playdate when she's all grown up! —B.R.O.B.

Goto's eye twitched insanely for a moment as he slowly turned to look at Ooyodo with a crazed look before falling down on one knee before her and proffering a golden ring. "Will you marry me?"

The cruiser gave the Admiral a flat stare. "Sir, if you're going to commit suicide, I kindly request you not make it a double."

Goto opened his mouth to speak, but never got the words out as he was suddenly yanked upwards. A stunned Ooyodo traced his trajectory up to the vent in the ceiling, just in time to see Kongo poke her head out.

"Take the rest of the day off, Ooyodo!" she ordered, grinning. "I'll take care of Admiral Goto, don't worry." And with that, she ducked back into the vent and swung the grating back into place.

For a solid five minutes, the secretary ship just stood there in open-mouthed amazement. "The vent's vertical, how did she—" she began before shaking her head. "Ah, fuck it, it's Kongo. I'm gonna go see if Junyo's up to hitting the nearest bar. You all want in?"

Nagato and her… 'family' nodded in agreement.

"Alright, come on, let's go."

And so the light cruiser, the battleship and the Abyssals all wandered off to find a carrier and get hammered.

Just another average day in Yokosuka.

Patient AN: The note at the top, specifying that Superego had been waiting a while to release this? Let me make it clear just how true that is: Xomniac and Hornet had this omake completed, every word written… at the time that they invited me backstage. January, loyal fans. They have been sitting on this since January. And, in the same breath, they have had everything up to this point in the story portrayed in this chapter planned for that long.

That is the might of the Cross-Brain. And I am honored and humbled to be associated on an equal level with these two genii.