chapter 4 - for as long as I can remember

Adrian (fall 2017)

I let my mind wander as my eyes stare into the beautiful back yard right outside the bedroom window. It was always there. At least for as long as I can remember It was. And for as long as I can remember it's just been Me,Mom, and Dan. Dan's pretty much my dad but he doesn't want me to call him that and when I talk about my real dad he leaves and doesn't come back until really late at night. My mom hates when he leaves. She crys on the couch until he comes home. Some days she sits on the couch and just calls him over and over again ,always getting the dial tone. For as long as I can remember Dan comes home drunk. My mom told me that he does it to feel better. Like medicine. And for as long as I can remember he's been taking his medicine. Sometimes when Dan comes home he and my mom yell at each other. They yell about how Dan should come back sooner, or how he should have never left at all. He doesn't like it when mom talks to him about that. He screams at her and calls her names. Mom and Dan think I can't hear them. They think that I'm asleep. But I'm never asleep. It's like trying to sleep through a hurricane. So at night I curl up to the door of my room and listen to them. I'm always routing for my mom. I always hope that all the yelling ends and mom convinces Dan to stop drinking. I always hope that after he stops drinking we can all be happier together. But I know that's not how it works. I know that this is just part of life. I know that this is just how it is and how it will be. For as long as I can remember it's been like this and it probably always will be like this.

"Adrian!" I heard my mom call from the living room with nervousness playing in her tone. I opened my door and shuffled up the stairs. I bounced onto her bed and looked at her curiously. "Adrian me and Dan" I saw Dan in the bed next to her as she put her arm around him. "Me and Dan are gonna have a baby." She mumbled out sounding nervous and even unsure of the words coming out of her mouth. Dan had grin on his face and his eyes gleamed with a childlike joy. "Your gonna have a sister!!" he said kissing the bass of my moms neck. "And we're gonna finally have a daughter!" He said as he looked at her. She put up a weak smile. "Yeah...we are."

I smiled at them and started my slow and thought filled decent down the stairs. Why was my mom so unsure about this? Was she unsure about it? Was it just me wanting her to be unsure about it? Why am I unsure?? Why am I constantly afraid and unsure about what comes next? For as long as I can remember I've been scared of the future.