9. Chapter 9

Carina knew going to visit Jamie was a bad idea given the circumstances.

The more time she spent with the little girl, the more difficult it would be to say goodbye.

But she could hardly stand to stay away. Her fight with Maya had been devastating, the chance that Jamie could belong to someone else, a pain she had never felt before. So, she drove to Grey-Sloan, took the elevator up to her floor, and walked into the NICU like any of the other parents in the room. She slipped off her sweater, leaving herself in only a tank top, and carefully picked up the tiny baby who had so thoroughly stolen her heart.

As a physician at Grey-Sloan, Carina had certain privileges, which meant that no one stopped her from scooping Jamie into her arms. They left her alone, likely assuming that she was there for purely medical reasons. Carina had no desire to correct them, not if it meant she could hold Jamie whenever she wanted.

It felt practiced, routine almost, as she set Jamie on her chest. The baby flexed her hands against Carina’s skin in hello and Carina held on as tightly as she could without hurting Jamie’s sensitive body.

“Piccolina, do you think we should bring you some clothes soon?” Carina asked the baby, unable to do anything but smile as she felt Jamie nuzzle against her.

As Carina swayed with Jamie in her arms, she glanced around the room, unsure how to feel about the fact that she was standing amid numerous parents checking on their own preemies.

Was she an imposter? Was she being inappropriate? Was she somehow mocking the experience of actual parents who sat day in and day out with their sick children?

Maya’s words echoed in her head.

She’s not ours.

How was it possible to feel so strongly? Carina had delivered hundreds if not thousands of babies. She’d seen more preemies than she could count. So, what was it about Jamie?

Maybe that’s what parenthood was? Sudden. Inexplicable. Carina knew Jamie was hers in the same way she knew that her eyes were brown. Jamie was hers and had always been hers. She couldn’t explain it, she barely understood it, she just knew.

“Do you want a bath? Hmmm? Maybe a bath and then a bottle for my Jamie.”

A nurse helped set up the small tub in a nearby sink and some of Jamie’s sensors were temporarily removed, along with her diaper. Carina held her in one hand and used the other to gently wash Jamie’s wispy brown hair. She didn’t realize that she was crying until someone behind her cleared their throat and she was forced to turn and look.

“Carina? What happened?” Amelia and Teddy stood side by side, staring at her with growing concern. It had been Amelia who asked the question, but Teddy’s mouth was open as if she was about to say something too.

Carina cut her off before she could. “Nothing, it’s okay…I’m…”

Amelia rolled her eyes and took a step closer, setting her hand on Carina’s arm.

“You’re crying. Clearly, you’re not okay,” she said, which made Carina’s sniffling even worse.

“Did you lose a patient?” Teddy tried to peek over Carina’s shoulder, but Carina suddenly felt protective, as if she didn’t want to share Jamie with anyone. Even her friends.

“Please. It’s fine,” she tried again, hearing the weakness in her own words.

Jamie started waving her arms and though she was still too small to cry, Carina could tell that the baby was uncomfortable. She immediately wrapped her in a towel and carried her back to her cot while trying desperately to get a hold of her emotions.

Teddy’s hands appeared first, sticking sensors to Jamie’s chest and tummy. And then Amelia was there with a diaper, carefully lifting Jamie’s legs and folding the diaper’s flaps. Jamie was still waving her arms, and Carina knew instinctively that she was cold, that she needed to be held. She hated the thought of Jamie being cold.

As soon as Carina set Jamie against her chest, the baby stilled. She opened and closed her tiny hand, gripping Carina’s shirt, and before Carina could even reach for a blanket, Jamie fell asleep. Carina lay one hand against Jamie’s back, drawing circles with her fingertips, smiling at the feel of Jamie relaxing in her arms.

“So…who is this?” Amelia sat down on a stool and pointed at Jamie.

“Because this isn’t just a random baby,” Teddy added.

It was useless to resist. Teddy and Amelia would not stop asking until she explained. And they were her friends. She’d delivered their babies. They knew what it was to be a mother.

They would understand.

“A few weeks ago…the day I was admitted with smoke inhalation,” Carina began, looking at Teddy who nodded, “we…I mean, Maya and I, we rescued her.”

Amelia was clearly putting together the pieces quickly. “The mother didn’t make it, right?”

Carina nodded her head.

“It’s crazy,” she whispered, “I know it’s crazy. I’ve delivered thousands of babies and I’ve never felt this way before. Even the babies who were abandoned or given up for adoption. I brought them into the world and then I knew my job was done. But when I hold her…”

“She feels like yours,” Teddy finished.

Carina felt tears spill over her cheeks. She was overwhelmed and confused and the person she really needed was the one person she could not have.

“Maybe I’m just baby crazy? Maya and I have been talking for months and maybe…” she shrugged, knowing she was just making excuses.

“Maybe there’s a gas leak in here because the same thing happened to Jo Wilson,” Amelia looked at the ceiling, eyes darting from air vent to air vent.

The comment made Carina laugh, it helped clear some of the tension in her chest.

Teddy didn’t look as amused.

“Have you talked to Maya about this?” Teddy asked the question carefully though Carina knew what she was thinking.

It had been Teddy who treated Maya for heat stroke. And it had also been Teddy who suggested that Maya might need psychiatric help. Carina knew her friend meant well, but despite how upset she was with Maya, she also didn’t want anyone misjudging her wife.

“She thinks I’m crazy,” Carina said, not missing the way Teddy and Amelia glanced at each other.

They wouldn’t understand. They couldn’t possibly understand how much pain Maya was in. They didn’t see her walk in day after day defeated, demoralized. Her job had turned into a schoolyard full of bullies who all sounded like her father. It was a mess.

“I’m a terrible wife,” Carina continued, “she’s in the middle of a career crisis and I just dropped this on her without warning. I didn’t mean to…”

It kept coming back to intention. Carina had no intention of forming a bond with Jamie. She’d had no intention of straying from their initial baby plan. But intentions meant nothing when the universe intervened with its strange sense of timing and its stranger sense of humour.

“You’re not a terrible wife. Firefighter Barbie is lucky and she better know it,” Amelia said, wiggling her eyebrows.

“She’s so good with her. Maya, I mean. She named her and she talks to her…” Carina smiled thinking of Maya feeding Jamie, of how entranced those blue eyes appeared to be as they watched Jamie take the bottle.

Teddy looked surprised. “Wait, Maya named her?”

“Yes. She said that Jamie didn’t look like a Jane and then Cormac changed the name on the incubator and now…she’s Jamie.”

“Definitely not a Jane,” Carina agreed.

“Carina,” Teddy said, “you need to talk about this with Maya again. Over and over until you both come to a decision. Adoption is beautiful and it’s rewarding and I don’t know what I’d do without Leo in my life, but it’s not a decision you make after one conversation.”

Teddy’s words were hopeful and honest. Carina appreciated her friend’s rationality in the midst of a heated moment.

“How long before Jamie has to go into foster care?” Amelia asked. The question alone made Carina tighten her grip on Jamie’s little body.

“Eight weeks. Maybe six, but more likely longer. She still has an arrhythmia, and she needs oxygen support,” Carina said.

Amelia nodded and leaned forward, setting her hand on Carina’s knee.

“You’re going to talk to your smoke show of a wife,” she began, “And you’re going to talk some more. You’re going to talk until you can’t stand the sound of your own voice. Or her voice. And then you’re going to keep talking. And then…then you’ll make a choice. Together.”  

Teddy nodded in agreement. “Together.”

Carina let the words wash over her. She let herself believe that she had time, that the initial conversation from earlier in the day was only that – an initial conversation. She understood that she couldn’t force Maya to do anything, especially not something as big as this.

But they had time.

“Thank you,” Carina whispered, pressing her cheek to top of Jamie’s head.

Teddy smiled warmly. “Well, if you don’t adopt her, I will. How is her chin so cute?”

Carina adjusted Jamie, cradling her so her friends could see the baby’s face more clearly.

“I want to eat her nose,” Amelia cooed, reaching out to tap one finger against the little button nose that Carina couldn’t stop thinking about.

“I really am crazy because every time I look at her, I think she looks like Maya.” Carina waited for her friends to make fun of her, but they didn’t. They just shot each other a knowing glance.

“You’re so in love it makes me nauseas,” Amelia said, earning a smack on the shoulder from Teddy.

Carina shook her head, smiling for the first time in hours. “How could I not be? Amelia, you’ve seen her arms?”

Amelia tipped her head back laughing and Teddy joined in too. There was tiny movement against her chest and when Carina looked down, she found Jamie lightly kicking her feet.

“Is it funny, Piccolina?”

Jamie gurgled in apparent agreement. Carina stood to change Jamie’s diaper, but paused when she heard her phone vibrate in the purse she’d left on the ground next to Jamie’s crib.

“Could you?” She asked Teddy, her hands full supporting Jamie’s head and bottom.

She turned her back, carefully laying Jamie in the middle of her small, pink bed, and when she reached for the phone, she found both of her friends smiling knowingly. Teddy held the screen up for Carina to see.

Maya: Come home <3

~*~

Maya scrolled through her contacts, trying to decide what to do next.

She felt as though she’d been kicked in the head. As if Carina had taken a meat tenderizer right to her temple.

She knew that Carina had spent time with Jamie. She also knew that Carina received occasional updates from Dr. Hayes about the baby.

But adoption? Love? Parenting?

Maya groaned, blinking rapidly as if to clear her vision.

She quickly decided that she needed to call in backup. Between her suspension and her hours long run that ended with a trip to Grey-Sloan, Maya was fully willing to admit that she was not exactly thinking clearly. And she needed to think clearly.

Especially about this.

This.

Her wife had fallen in love with a random baby and now wanted to keep the random baby forever.

The first name on the list was Andy and Maya took a moment to think about what Andy would say. Andy had a way of seeing life as if she was the star of her own movie. While she’d try to be supportive, she’d also probably find a way to turn their discussion into a story about Sullivan or Beckett or her childhood.

No to Andy.

The next name Ben. Ben had literally adopted a human being because his wife said they were going to adopt a human being. Ben could not give her an unbiased opinion and that’s what she needed. Not someone who was all the way on the yes side. Not someone who was all the way on the no side. Someone with zero skin in the game. A neutral third party.

Which meant no to Jack too. He’d spent enough time in the foster care system to know its dangers and its drawbacks. It wouldn’t be fair to place him in a position of trying to decide whether or not to send another orphan into the same childhood he’d experienced.

Maya kept scrolling, skipping her mother, skipping Vic because Vic would show up with whisky and scream oh my god no and Maya would wholeheartedly agree with her because…

Oh my god no!

Her finger paused over one name, a name she hadn’t even considered, and for a moment she wondered if it would be inappropriate. Except this was a pretty massive life decision, it was bigger than trying to figure out what type of car she should buy or what to make for dinner.

This was a life. A whole, real life.

Maya pushed the call button and held her breath.

Here goes nothing…

~*~

Diane Lewis looked out of place sitting at Maya’s table. It was like seeing a teacher outside of school over summer holidays, but there she was, hand folded, looking on expectantly.

Maya took a seat across from her and cleared her throat.

“Are you sure I can’t get you anything else? My wife made these amazing torcetti, I could…”

“Coffee is perfect, Lieutenant Bishop,” Diane said, watching Maya’s every move.

Her gaze always made Maya just a little nervous.

“Thanks for coming here. I…I didn’t know if that was a thing you did or…” Maya trailed off with a shrug, spinning her wedding ring on one hand as a way to stay focused.

“I’m not here in any official capacity. Anything we discuss will be strictly between us, unless you confess to a murder and then, well…”

Maya mumbled ha, but appreciated Dr. Lewis’ cander. She was always no-nonsense, and Maya liked that in people.

It reminded her of Carina. Blunt. Unflinching.

“I don’t know how to start. I’ve never done this outside of a work situation,” Maya confessed.

“This as in therapy?”

Maya nodded.

“Well,” Diane said, “why don’t you tell me the reason you asked me to come here. Let’s start there.”

Maya nodded again, trying to choose her words.

“My wife wants to adopt a random baby we rescued a few weeks ago and I think she’s insane.”

Maya heard herself speaking rapidly, as if her body needed to be rid of the words like a host expelling a parasite.

Diane tilted her head in thought. “And who is the random baby?”  

“Her name is Jamie. I mean, technically I guess she doesn’t have a name, but she looks like a Jamie, so I called her Jamie and now everyone calls her Jamie.”

“You called her Jamie?”

Maya took a deep breath and pinched the bridge of her nose.

“A few weeks ago, we attended a fire at an apartment building. There was a pregnant woman in active labour stuck in the basement, she couldn’t be moved. We called for backup from Grey-Sloan and Carina helped deliver the baby. And now…” Maya spread her hands, finding herself still in disbelief.

“That must have been quite traumatic for Carina. I’m sure she isn’t used to an active fire scene.”

“Honestly I think it was more traumatic for me,” Maya laughed, but quieted when she caught Dr. Lewis’s strange half-smile.

Damn that stupid half-smile…

“I mean, my wife is very brave and very stubborn and could’ve easily been hurt or worse. Seeing her in danger,” Maya shook her head, “let’s just say I didn’t like the feeling.”

“And was she hurt?”

“Smoke inhalation. She took off her mask to deliver the baby and then she made me run Jamie to the Aid Car while she tried to save the mother. I…”

“You had to leave her inside?”

“Uh…yes. Jamie needed immediate attention, so Carina told me to get her out of the building.”

“And you found that understandably traumatic. Did you get to see the baby after that?” Diane took a sip of coffee, giving Maya a moment to gather her thoughts.

“Dr. Hayes, he’s the head of paediatrics at Grey-Sloan, he let me go into the NICU to see her. She was really, really small. Like a baby dinosaur.”

“A baby dinosaur?”

Maya smiled warmly at the memory. “She had these little chicken legs.”

“And after that? I’m assuming Carina has seen her a lot considering how she feels about the baby, but what about you?”

“I…I saw her a few more times,” Maya said, “Dr. Hayes let me give her a bottle. And a few days ago when I was in the hospital, I went to visit her and we had a good conversation.”

“Back up…you were in the hospital?”

Dr. Lewis leaned forward on her elbows, studying Maya with a neutral expression.

“I…kind of…got heat stroke.”

“Kind of?”

This was not why she’d asked Dr. Lewis to come over. This was not about her or the suspension or District Six or Maya’s bleeding feet. This was about Carina and Jamie.

“It doesn’t matter,” Maya tried, wanting to push ahead.

“I think it does.”

“I’m sure you’ve heard about my suspension?”

Dr. Lewis leaned back in her chair. “I did. I have to say, I was surprised. You’re a skilled, responsible firefighter. It’s hard to imagine you doing anything that would warrant such harsh punishment.”

“Chief Ross disagrees,” Maya said darkly, crossing her arms.

“Oh?”

“She says I’m insubordinate. Unrepentant. But she’s the one who dragged my family into this, so no, I’m not going to be repentant about that. She tried to use my wife for her own gains and…” Maya couldn’t continue, anger stealing her words.

“You love your wife a great deal, I can see that, Lieutenant Bishop.”

Maya nodded, lowering her head. “I do.”

“So, you’ve been suspended. You’ve been temporarily reassigned to a house that requires a four-hour daily commute. And your wife has now asked you to adopt a baby completely out of the blue. Do I have that right?”

“Yes.”

“Bishop, the fact that you’re not on the floor is a testament to your strength. Because most people would be on the damn floor.”

Maya looked up, surprised to find Dr. Lewis smiling back at her. She’d expected something harsh, something about how she was selfish, how she was cold, how she was mistreating her wife. But instead, Dr. Lewis looked impressed. Maya wasn’t quite sure how to react.

“Now, let’s get to the real question,” Dr. Lewis continued, “how do you feel about Jamie?”

It was the question she’d been asking herself since Carina walked out the door. She wrestled with it, examined it, tried to see all sides, and found herself incapable of clarity.

She stretched her shoulders and rubbed the back of her neck.

“I like spending time with her. She’s cute and a good listener. And I want her to have a great life,” Maya said.

“Let’s say she’s being picked up by social work tomorrow. Foster parents waiting for her. You’re never going to see her again. Now how do you feel?”

Maya’s mind instantly drifted to Jamie’s little legs. She thought about how Jamie learned to kick only a few days ago. How she would curl her hand around Maya’s fingertip, and how it tickled. She thought about how good the top of Jamie’s head smelled and how she hoped none of the nurses noticed how long she would sit with her nose pressed into Jamie’s wispy brown hair.

“I care. Spending time with her has been…peaceful? And I never expected peaceful.”

“What did you expect?” Diane asked.

“That I’d have nine months to prepare myself for becoming a parent.”

“You didn’t answer my original question. She’s gone tomorrow. How do you feel?”

Maya exhaled sharply, forcing herself to dig deep. “Sad. I’d miss her. Carina would be devastated.”

“True. But you can’t make this decision based on what your wife wants. It has to be mutual.”

“I’d miss Jamie,” Maya said again, “I’d be worried for her. But…she’s not ours.”

She kept coming back to it. They couldn’t just take a baby.

Dr. Lewis leaned forward again, staring intently at Maya. “No, but she could be.”

“I don’t know, okay? I don’t know how I feel. Four hours ago I was getting ready to watch a movie with my wife and now we’re adopting a kid? And she still wants to have a baby someday? So we have multiple children? I don’t know how I feel, Dr. Lewis!”

Her outburst was met with approving glance and Maya belatedly realized that Dr. Lewis had tricked an answer right out of her.

“You’re not adopting a kid yet,” Dr. Lewis said, “You’re also not having a baby yet. Four hours ago, your wife told you that she wanted to adopt a child. You’re allowed to not know. But you also don’t need to make this decision today. Or even tomorrow. You and your wife need to talk. You need to talk more than you’ve ever talked before. You weigh the pros and cons. You talk about daycare. You talk about whether you want to send the kid to private school. You talk about organic baby food. And you do not stop until you’ve both come to a decision. And then you’ll know how you feel, Lieutenant Bishop.”

Maya couldn’t help the slow smirk that emerged. Diane Lewis shot from the hip.

“You’re annoyingly good at this, you know?” Maya laughed.

The half-smile returned.

“One last question. And then I’ll take you up on one of those torcetti.”

Maya gestured for Dr. Lewis to continue.

“How do you think your wife is feeling?

Dr. Lewis played dirty…

The idea of hurting Carina was at the forefront of Maya’s mind. She thought of Carina’s face as she told Maya about Jamie. She remembered the way her hands shook. She remembered Carina’s words…

“She’s scared,” Maya said, realization setting in, “she told me she was scared and I called her crazy. God…I really am a terrible person. Who does that?”

“You’ve had four hours. That version of you had four minutes.”

“I want my wife to be happy. I want to make her happy.”

“You cannot do this just to please your wife, Maya, but you also don’t need to make this decision right now.”

“I know,” Maya said, feeling herself calm and clear for the first time all day.

Dr. Lewis’ words released her. She’d spent hours feeling trapped, feeling tricked. Feeling like she was being forced into a decision, like her marriage was on the line. But she wasn’t trapped. She wasn’t being forced into anything. Dr. Lewis had given her the gift of time. The gift of communication.

And her marriage?

A life without Carina was unfathomable. So unfathomable that Maya picked up her discarded phone and quickly sent a text.

Maya: come home <3