8. Chapter 8

Maya Bishop was not a tall woman, but her confidence made her seem larger than life.

Seeing her curled up in a hospital bed, Carina was struck by how vulnerable her wife appeared to be, how small.

Carina stood just outside Maya’s room, arms crossed over her chest as she listened to Teddy give her more details about what exactly had happened.

“She regained consciousness in the ambulance. Some delirium – though she definitely asked for you. We’ve got her temperature back down and she’s getting fluids and electrolytes,” Teddy said.

“And her heart?”

Carina knew that heat stroke could be deadly. That it could cause organ failure and a host of other medical concerns.

“Her EKG and chest x-ray came back normal. Blood and urine look good too. She can go home tomorrow, Carina, unless…”

“Unless?” Carina turned from looking at Maya towards Teddy.

“Do you want me to call for a psych consult?”

On paper, Maya had the classic signs of self-harm. She’d run for three hours, three whole hours, to the point of collapse and hospitalization. Carina understood that to an outsider, Maya likely seemed mentally unwell.

But Carina knew her wife. She was not in denial. She was not ignoring Maya’s problems. She just understood that Maya likely did not consciously realize how long or far she’d gone. She’d likely found herself caught in an eyes forward/embrace the pain loop after months of increasing pressure and anxiety from work.

“It’s okay,” Carina said, “the department has a therapist. She’d likely be more open to talking with her.”

Teddy pursed her lips, but didn’t say another word.

Carina wasn’t sure how to feel about the fact that Jack and Andy knew what happened. The situation between the department and Maya was outwardly tense and Ross was looking for any excuse for further demotion. Carina just prayed Jack and Andy wouldn’t be called upon to testify against Maya should the time come.

The room was cold and Maya lay with a cooling blanket over her legs. She slept on her side, an IV inserted in her left arm. Otherwise, she looked fairly normal. Carina raised the blanket to reveal Maya’s feet and sighed heavily at the sight.

Bloody toes and bloody heels. Maya had run in her work shoes – and they’d cut her feet to shreds.

Carina sat down next to the bed, feeling adrift. She lowered the rail and took Maya’s hand, squeezing gently. Maya had beautiful hands, Carina loved to play with her fingers, and touching them now helped focus her thoughts.

She traced the prominent veins on Maya’s inner-wrist and then ran her thumb over each knuckle.  

“Please don’t yell.” Maya’s voice was barely a whisper, but Carina was relieved to hear it. She weaved her fingers into Maya’s hair, brushing it away from her still-warm forehead. Maya held her other hand tightly.

“Maya…”

“I know I’m in trouble, but I have the worst headache. So please yell later,” Maya asked, barely opening her eyes.

Carina sighed.

“You are in big trouble, scaring me like that.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, Bambina, sleep now,” Carina said, hoping Maya would listen to her.

“I got suspended,” Maya confessed.

“I know.”

“She talked about Andrew.”

“I know, Tesoro, I know.”

“She can’t talk about Andrew. Or you. She can’t talk about you ever.”

Maya was quickly becoming agitated, and Carina very much wanted to keep her wife as calm as possible.

“You take care of me. No one has ever done that before, amore mio,” Carina said, her thumb still rubbing Maya’s knuckles.

“Sempre.”

“Yes, sempre.” Carina watched Maya’s eyes grow heavy again and dared not move until she was certain her wife was asleep.

She wondered briefly is it would be wise to call Andy or Jack. If it would help the situation to have their insider opinion on what to do next. But the hour was late and Maya was still clinging to her hand.

“Sempre, sempre,” she whispered into the silence, her heart aching for the woman lying in the bed.

~*~

Although it took some convincing, Carina agreed to leave when visiting hours ended. Maya was set to be discharged the next morning and a few hours apart wouldn’t cause any harm.

The plan was for Maya to spend the night asleep, but as she was quickly learning, plans change. Which is how she found herself sitting on her hospital bed, staring at the wall, trying to calm her racing mind.

Lying in bed left her to her thoughts and her thoughts were all extremely unpleasant. And while running had caused her current predicament, Maya decided a short walk wouldn’t hurt. Moving always made her feel better.

She gingerly set her feet on the floor, pleased to find that they weren’t overly painful. Her shins hurt and her old ankle injury burned, but otherwise, everything seemed to be fully functional.

An intern had left her a pair of scrub pants that she quickly put on under her hospital gown. The final touch was a set of bright yellow hospital-issue socks that would keep her from slip-sliding down the hallways. She looked ridiculous, but it already felt good to stand up, so she didn’t let her outfit hinder her plans.

Dragging the portable IV poll beside her, Maya luxuriated in the quiet. She wondered if Carina liked it too during her rare overnight shifts. No one stopped her on her way off the ward, nor were there any comments as she took the elevator up to the seventh floor. It was only when she stood in the doorway of the NICU that she realized her evening stroll may not have been the best idea.

A nurse looked up from a nearby incubator and frowned at the sight of her.

“Are you lost?” The nurse asked, not unkindly.

“Oh,” Maya looked down at her odd ensemble and grit her teeth, “uh…sorry, I’m Lieutenant Maya Bishop with the Seattle Fire Department…Dr. DeLuca’s wife. I was just wondering how Jamie is doing.”

The nurse smiled in recognition.

“Ah! Lieutenant Bishop, of course. Dr. Hayes put you on Jamie’s visitation list.”

“He did?” Maya was surprised to hear it.

“Yes. You and Dr. DeLuca are the only two who visit her…other than the social worker. Perfect timing actually. Little Miss Jamie is refusing to sleep.”

The nurse ushered Maya in and offered her the chair next to Jamie’s spot in the room. Maya noticed that Jamie was no longer in an incubator. She was lying in a very small plastic box, wrapped in pink blankets.

Maya’s IV and Jamie’s IV made the situation somewhat awkward, but eventually Maya found a way to cradle Jamie in her right arm while keeping her left free, making sure that both she and the baby were still attached to their saline drips.

“Hi Jamie,” Maya said, always amazed at how peaceful she felt when Jamie was close by.

Jamie stared back up, very awake and alert. Her eyes were blue and for the first time, she wasn’t wearing a little hat, which meant Maya could see her wispy brown hair.

“You don’t look like a baby dinosaur anymore,” Maya continued, rubbing her thumb over Jamie’s hand. “Sorry, you probably don’t get that reference. Jurassic Park is really good – you’ll have to watch it when you get out of here. But when you were first born you kind of looked like a tiny chicken. Or a baby velociraptor. No offense meant, by the way.”

Jamie bent her legs at the knee and kicked.

“Oh, exercise? Good call, Jamie. You like to keep moving, I can tell.”

Maya took one of Jamie’s feet and very gently bent her leg again. She repeated the action with the other foot and smiled when Jamie started moving her legs on her own.

“Can I tell you a secret, Jamie? You can’t tell anyone, but you seem like a very trustworthy person, so I’m going to take the risk. I did something really stupid today.”

Maya cradled Jamie closer, finding her warmth soothing.

“I scared my wife. Do you remember Dr. DeLuca? The pretty one, that’s right. And I could’ve injured myself badly, which would have made everything worse. But here’s the secret, Jamie. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do at all and that really scares me.”

Jamie’s hand curved around Maya’s thumb. It almost felt like she was acknowledging Maya’s words or offering reassurance. Her eyes never left Maya’s face.

“I feel like I’m in a room without windows or doors. And the only thing that makes me feel better is Dr. DeLuca.”

Jamie blinked twice and squeezed Maya’s thumb again.

“Oh, I know, the most beautiful woman of all time, right? You’re so observant, Baby T-Rex, it’s very impressive.”

Maya kept talking and Jamie kept listening even as the night dragged on. When Jamie finally closed her eyes, Maya found herself unwilling to move. She dragged her nose over the top of Jamie’s head, breathing her in, relieved for the temporary distraction.  

~*~

Two days after Maya’s hospitalization, the DeLuca-Bishops found themselves at a standstill. Carina had taken the rest of the week off, feeling like she wanted to be close to her wife. Although she was mostly unharmed, Teddy told Maya that she wasn’t allowed to run for the next week, which meant that Maya was stuck at home.

A Maya who couldn’t run was a grouchy Maya.

As Carina folded laundry in her bedroom, she felt panic rise in her chest. Life was feeling just a little too much. On Monday, Maya was expected to report to District Six. Neither knew if the position was temporary or if it was the start of a formal transfer.

And then there was the matter of Jamie. Carina didn’t know how to tell Maya what she was feeling, she didn’t know how to add yet another layer of stress to her already stressed wife. Instead, she kept quiet, swallowing down her anxiety, trying not to show how excited she was each time Cormac sent an update.

She wished Gabriella lived closer. She wished she could talk to her mama…

Her friends at the hospital would support her, they would encourage her to go ahead and try to adopt Jamie. But that wasn’t fair to Maya. She needed someone balanced, a third party. Or someone who had no problem delivering tough love when it was necessary. Gabriella would smack her across the face if she felt that Carina needed a good smack.

Carina could hear Maya shuffling around the apartment, wandering the space like a caged animal. She was about to ask if they should pick a movie when she heard her phone ping in the kitchen.

“Carina?” Maya called, a tremor in her voice.

It made Carina frown. She walked out of the bedroom and found Maya standing by the table, staring down at the phone that had just buzzed.

“Do you have something to tell me?” Maya looking from the phone to Carina’s face, clearly upset.

“What do you mean?” Carina was baffled until she saw what was on her screen. And then she blanched and swallowed hard.

Gabri: You need to tell her.

“Maya…”

“Tell me what?” Maya’s eyes were so wide, so intense, that Carina wanted to turn away. But she couldn’t, especially once she realized what Maya may have inferred from the message.

“I want to freeze my eggs,” Carina blurted, unsure what else to say.

Maya raised her eyebrows, her previous upset replaced by confusion.

“Oh. Uh…okay…so, we’re putting baby plans on hold, I guess?” Maya nodded as she spoke, still unsure.

“Yes. I mean no. I mean…”

“Carina? You look like you’re going to throw up,” Maya said.

Carina felt her heart beating faster, she felt like she was about to dive off a cliff, jump out of an airplane, she felt a desperate desire to stop talking at all.

“I want…” She began to speak, but the words lodged in her throat.

“Hey,” Maya stepped forward, taking Carina’s hand, “Are you okay? You’re not sick or something? Oh God, Carina…is that why you’re freezing your eggs? Are you, do you have…”

“No. I’m fine, Maya. I just…”

Carina took one step back and exhaled. It was time to jump.

“I want to adopt Jamie.” Carina kept her eyes on Maya’s face as she spoke, refusing to hide.

She could see concern melt into confusion. She could see the words sink in as Maya’s eyes narrowed.

“What?” Maya stuttered, her mouth open in shock.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Bambina, I didn’t mean to. I didn’t, it just happened.”

Anxious tears welled in Carina’s eyes, but she brushed them away quickly.

“Wh…what are you talking about?”

“I love her, Maya. I love her so much. I…we could give her a home. A beautiful home and I know it’s crazy, I know…”

“You’re right. It’s crazy, Carina!” Maya shook her head, the words hitting Carina hard.

“Maybe it’s not,” Carina cried, “I see how you are with her. I know you care too.”

“Of course, I care. But there’s a difference between caring and taking a baby that’s not ours!”

“She is ours!”

Maya was about to protest, but Carina pushed forward.

“Don’t you see? We saved her. You and me, Maya. We were the first people to touch her, to hold her. She’s ours Maya. Please, Bambina, I know it’s a lot to think about…”

“Carina…what happened to you wanting to be pregnant?”

“I still want that someday,” Carina said.

“Oh, so now we have two kids? Great. I could lose my job any day now, but sure, let’s add some babies.”

“Don’t mock me, Maya! Please…I…I love her. I’m sorry, I didn’t…I love her and I don’t know what to do and I’m scared, Maya.”

Maya took a deep breath though her face was still red. She pinched the bridge of her nose and winced.

“Carina this is insane,” she whispered, shaking her head in disbelief.

“She has no one, no family. She’s going to be sent into the foster care system. I can’t…I can’t stand the thought of it.”

“But that’s not our problem. She’ll be adopted, someone will love her, and be her parent, and take care of her. That’s how it works.”

“That’s not always how it works,” Carina insisted, “What if she’s put somewhere bad? What if she’s abused?”

“Carina…”

“Stop saying my name like that! I’ve seen how you are with her. You’re so wonderful, Bambina, she listens to your voice. She knows you already.”

“I can’t do this,” Maya said, dropping her face into her hands.

“What do you mean?”

“I can’t have this conversation. I can’t think about this. I just…I cannot do this.”

Carina couldn’t stop the tears. She sniffled, overcome by a sudden sense of devastation. It was only belatedly that Carina realized that Maya’s eyes were wet too.

“I love her,” was all Carina could think to say.

Maya shook her head again. “Are you giving me an ultimatum here? Is it her or me?”

Carina picked up her purse and her car keys. She needed space and she knew Maya did too.

“It’s you, Bambina,” Carina said, “it will always be you.”

She moved closer to Maya and cupped her cheek.

She saw anguish in Maya’s eyes.

With a soft kiss to Maya’s forehead, Carina turned and walked out the door.