10. Chapter 10

As a child, Maya understood that her assigned chores were not optional. They were a reflection on her character. An unmade bed spoke of laziness, it showed a lack of responsibility. It was disrespectful.

And while the adult version of Maya realized that her father’s rules were yet another way of controlling every aspect of his environment, some habits were hard to break.

After Dr. Lewis left, Maya took to cleaning the apartment. She smoothed the blanket on her bed. She adjusted the throw pillows on the couch in the living room. She cleaned the microwave. She was about to dawn a pair of gloves and go to town on the shower when she heard the door open quietly.

Cleaning had provided an excellent distraction because while she very much wanted Carina home, she had no idea what to say. At least not yet.

Setting down a bottle of mildew remover, Maya stepped out of their room and expected to find Carina in the kitchen. Instead, Carina was still in the doorway, slowly removing her coat and her shoes.

“Hey,” Maya said, uncharacteristically nervous around her wife.

“Hi,” Carina answered looking at Maya with unsure eyes. She’d obviously been crying. The sight of her tear-stained face was enough for Maya to break through her own anxiety because if there was one thing she could not abide it was her wife in tears.

Maya opened her arms. “Come here.”

Carina only hesitated for a minute before stepping into Maya’s embrace. She tucked her face into Maya’s neck and they clung to each other, despite their height difference they fit, their bodies locking in a familiar set of hips against hips and a shared heartbeat.

“Did you go see Jamie?” Maya whispered already knowing the answer. Carina smelled like Jamie, that perfect Jamie smell and Maya smiled when she felt Carina nod against her neck.

Carina was usually so calm and level-headed. She was usually the one to stay rational and clear-sighted. But she had told Maya that she was scared and it was obvious in the pull of her hands against Maya’s hoodie and her refusal to move her face from the shelter of Maya’s neck. It’s something she did when she felt vulnerable, a silent acknowledgment that she needed Maya close.

Despite her silence, Maya heard her loud and clear.

“I’m sorry for what I said before,” Maya stroked Carina’s hair, “You just really surprised me.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for any of this, I didn’t plan…”

“Hey,” Maya took Carina’s face in her hands and forced her to make eye contact, “do you feel up to talking?”

Carina nodded, eyeing Maya with surprise.

Maya stroked her thumbs along Carina’s cheekbones. “Go sit down on the couch. Do you want wine?”

“Yes. A lot of it.”

“Okay,” Maya laughed, taking Carina’s hand and guiding her towards the living room. She grabbed a bottle of wine and two glasses from the kitchen, and then joined Carina, sinking into the couch cushions.

It occurred to her that she and Carina had shared some important relationship moments on the couch. They’d planned their first vacation there. Carina had called Maya her home while perched against the leather upholstery. And they’d started searching for their sperm donor there too – both a little drunk, both still high from a day of sex.

For a time, they both sat next to each other in awkward silence, each sipping wine, each hesitant to start speaking. But inspired by Dr. Lewis’ guidance, Maya decided to break the ice first.

“I’m sorry for what I said before,” she said again, reaching out to take Carina’s hand, “you’re not crazy. That was…”

“I am crazy. I don’t know how this happened. I didn’t mean for it to happen,” Carina sighed heavily. She looked tired. A little defeated.

Maya set down her wine glass and moved closer to her wife on the couch, close enough that she could cup Carina’s cheek with her hand.

“You have the biggest heart of anyone I’ve ever known. I’m not surprised that you fell in love with Jamie. That’s what you do, Carina, you see the best in everything. In everyone. You see the best in all the broken pieces. Especially the broken pieces.” Maya stroked her thumb against Carina’s soft skin, wishing she could just agree to take Jamie in. Wishing it were that simple.

When Carina didn’t respond, Maya tried again.

“We need to talk about this. A lot,” she said.

Carina smiled tightly. “That’s what Amelia and Teddy said too.”

“You told Amelia and Teddy?” It wasn’t an accusation, Maya just wasn’t sure how long Carina had been hiding her feelings.

“They saw me in the NICU.”

“I told Dr. Lewis. She said we needed to talk too.”

Carina raised her eyebrows, clearly surprised.

“You talked to Dr. Lewis?” She asked, the corner of her lips lifting in an almost-smile.

“Yes. I’m a very mature, well-adjusted adult.”

Carina laughed and it broke the tension. It no longer felt like they were trapped in two individual bubbles, unable to let the other in. Carina’s arm slid behind Maya’s shoulders and Maya’s hands found Carina’s face and her bicep and suddenly they were practically sitting on top of each other, bundled up as though they could never be parted.

“How long would we have to make a decision,” Maya asked, desperate not to give Carina false hope. But she needed details. Information. She needed a schedule and instructions and a way to make sense of what seemed not to make any sense at all.

“Six to eight weeks. Depending on her heart,” Carina said, playing with the collar of Maya’s hoodie.

“Her heart?”

“She has patent ductus arteriosus – it means that one of the blood vessels that was open in utero has not closed, but Cormac is hoping it closes on its own. So far though…”

Maya could sense Carina’s worry. It inspired her next question.

“How long have you felt this way?” She kept her voice low and calm, even when Carina squirmed uncomfortably.

“I don’t know,” she confessed, “I’m sorry, Maya, I…”

Maya shook her head. “No, no. It’s just, Carina, I’m going to think about this. And we’re going to talk about this. But if I can’t get there…if the answer is no, are we going to be okay?”

Carina gazed down at Maya’s lap, worrying her bottom lip between her teeth. And then she leaned forward for a kiss, her mouth needy against Maya’s. It lasted for only a second before Carina’s wedged her face against Maya’s neck, breathing in deeply. Maya felt the smallest nod. She also felt the warmth of Carina’s tears.

“Okay,” Maya whispered, wrapping Carina in her arms, holding her close. Her wife was usually so strong, so confident, that Maya was surprised to see Carina so fragile. She was shaking and teary and clearly confused. As she clung to Maya, Maya considered all that Carina had been through since Jamie’s birth.

The constant stress from Maya’s job hurt them both. Sometimes Maya lost sight of the fact that her pain was also Carina’s pain. That her volatile temper, her depression, her sadness all effected Carina’s life too. In the same way that Carina’s stress or her worry for her patients or her habit of ignoring her own feelings in favour of helping others often led to Maya’s own angst.

“Are you still scared?” Maya asked, stroking Carina’s hair. She felt another nod against her neck.

For a moment Maya considered leaning back to see Carina’s face, but she let her be, sensing that Carina wanted to hide, that she needed her safe space for strength.

Maya snuck her hand up the back of Carina’s sweater and tickled patterns against the smooth skin she found there. She waited until Carina sighed, clearly relaxed, and then pushed on.

“Can you tell me what’s scaring you?”

“That you’ll say no,” Carina said, “I..I’m scared because this is not me. I am not this person who does stupid, reckless things.”

Falling in love with a baby was neither stupid nor reckless, but Maya didn’t want to interrupt Carina’s train of thought.

“I’m scared something bad is going to happen to you.” Carina nuzzled her forehead against Maya’s shoulder as she spoke, but her words were unexpected.

Maya assumed the fear was entirely based around Jamie. About Maya’s reaction. About Carina’s own depth of feeling.

“You mean on the job?” Maya prodded gently, knowing that the dangers of being a firefighter weighted heavily on Carina.

Carina finally sat back, her eyes watery, but clear.

“Yes. But also…you’ve been so unhappy, Bella. They’ve made you so unhappy. I’m scared they’re going to put your life at unnecessary risk. I’m scared of your sadness, of what this has done to you. I’m scared that you’re going to hurt yourself again…not on purpose, but…I’m just scared, Maya.”

Maya took Carina’s hands again and held on tight. It was easy to forget sometimes that even in their few years together, Carina had lost so much. Her brother. Most of her aunts and uncles. Her nonna. Carina’s family seemed to get smaller and smaller every year, and her fear for Maya was genuine and rational.

To love another person took a leap of faith. To love another person and risk all the pain of losing them took unyielding bravery.

Carina was the bravest person Maya knew.

“I know it’s been…a lot,” Maya said, “And it’s put our baby plans on hold. I’m sorry, Carina, I’ll try…”

“No,” Carina shook her head, “it is not your fault.”

Maya wasn’t sure she entirely agreed, but she also didn’t want to lose focus.

“What if we make a plan? Some deadlines? I don’t want to hurt you, Carina, I want to want what you want, but I don’t know if I do. But maybe if we can…figure out some next steps? That will help me think things through clearly? Either way?”

Carina nodded, her lips lifting at the corners again.

“So you said six to eight weeks, right?” Maya asked.

“Sì.”

“I’m assuming we’d need a lawyer…we’d need to talk to Hayes. The social worker. Maybe we could try to do all of that just to get information?”

“We can do that. Would you…want…or, would…”

“Hey, tell me.”

“Would you want to spend time with her?” Carina looked away from Maya’s gaze, clearly nervous.

The truth was that Maya liked spending time with Jamie. She didn’t actively plan to do it, but whenever she was at Grey-Sloan, she found herself hovering around the NICU. Holding Jamie was one of the only things in her life that brought her any modicum of contentment. Other than Carina, Jamie was her port in a storm.

“I think I should,” Maya said, “I’ve never thought about her like you do. Like she could be more than just my cute new friend who lives in the NICU.”

“Your cute new friend?”

“Yes. I’ve promised to introduce her to kale and a selection of Steven Spielberg movies when she’s older.”

Carina tilted her head and smiled at Maya with an exasperated, but affectionate grin. It faded quickly, almost as soon as it appeared.

“You can’t do this for me, Maya. You can’t make this decision to make me happy,” she said.

“I know. Trust me, I know. But I think if we start looking into the logistics, if I can spend some time with Jamie, it’ll help me make a clear decision. It’ll help us make a clear decision.”

Carina seemed to take in Maya’s words. The smile returned.

“Thank you,” she whispered, teary, and Maya couldn’t stay away a moment longer. She pulled Carina towards her, hugging her, trying to reassure her that no matter what, she’d always be Carina’s home.

Maya kissed Carina’s cheeks and then her forehead before finding her lips. She was about to deepen their kiss when Carina’s stomach grumbled so loudly that it sent Maya tipping back against the couch in a fit of laughter.

“Hey!” Carina said, playfully smacking Maya’s arm.

“Sorry, sorry, I just don’t understand how a human stomach can make that noise.”

“Maya!”

“Sorry,” Maya laughed again, pulling Carina back into a hug. She leaned in to kiss Carina’s neck, nipping the skin lightly.

“Bambina…”

“Can you make pasta al forno?” Maya smiled, trailing her lips from Carina’s jaw line to her mouth.

“Mmmm…Maya…” Carina tried to answer, but Maya wouldn’t let her, silencing her with another kiss.

As Carina moved in to deepen the kiss, Maya leaned back and pouted. “Please, Carina? Please, please, please?”

Carina rolled her eyes and laughed and Maya was so relieved to see the teary, fearful expression fade from Carina’s face.

She knew that they need to talk more. She knew that she had a lot of soul searching to do. But their conversation felt like progress, like a step forward.

And Maya always wanted to step forward with Carina by her side.

~*~

Maya approached the NICU with caution. She knew this visit was going to be different than her previous visits. This was not casual. This was not even a visit, technically.

Before she’d seen Jamie as a sweet spot in her days – days filled with exhaustion and humiliations. But now she was about to look at Jamie differently. She was about to try and feel whatever it was that she truly felt about Jamie.

Feeling her feelings was something Maya still struggled to do. Part of what had initially terrified her so much about Carina was the depth of emotion her now wife evoked. Maya had craved it as much as she’d shunned it too.

It was easier not to feel everything. It was easier to run into a burning building when she didn’t feel the fear. It was easier to walk into Station 19 when she didn’t feel the intensity of her anger.

Except she had to feel now. She had to open herself. Whether she felt love or not, she needed to feel.

They’d both decided that Carina wouldn’t accompany Maya for this particular visit. Maya didn’t want to give Carina a false sense of hope and Carina didn’t want her presence to influence Maya’s decision making.

Maya still marvelled that she had someone in her life like Carina. Someone who loved and cared about her. Someone who worried about her. Someone who saw her as more than a cold, unfeeling machine. Carina saw Maya as someone who could be a mother. As someone with the capacity for love. And even though Maya wasn’t sure if Carina was right, she so wanted her to be. She wanted to be that person.

Which is why she took a deep breath and stepped into the NICU, ready to face the challenge head-on. Because Maya Bishop did not want to run from this. From Jamie. From Carina. No matter the outcome, she wanted to give it her all.

Maya walked to the back of the room, already smiling as she neared Jamie’s crib. There was a nurse leaning over, fussing over the baby, and that’s when Maya heard an unfamiliar sound. A sound that wrapped itself around her heart and tugged.

“Is she crying?” Maya asked, listening to the tiniest mewl coming from Jamie.

The nurse turned around and shot Maya a tired smile.

“She is. Just started yesterday and now someone is very unhappy about this bottle,” the nurse said, raising the bottle in question.

“Could I try?”

“Of course. Take a seat and I’ll pass her to you.”

Maya set down her backpack and settled in the overstuffed armchair next to Jamie’s crib. She raised her hands, taking Jamie carefully, still mindful of her IV and sensors. Sure enough, as Maya tucked Jamie against her chest, the baby looked up with her wide blue eyes and immediately relaxed, her little cries gone.

“Hey, Jamie,” Maya said, running her fingertip along the softest little cheek.

Jamie waved her arms and curled one hand into Maya’s t-shirt. She tugged gently, a little hello that again made Maya’s heart beat just a little quicker.

“Should we try this?” Maya held the bottle up, but if Jamie had an opinion, she kept it to herself. Maya rubbed the nipple over Jamie’s lips and just like the first time, the baby quickly latched on, her other hand coming to rest on Maya’s wrist.

Maya watched Jamie drink for a time, studying the little face, trying to really take her in. She looked so much different from the day of her birth. Jamie was still tiny, but she was no longer covered in a downy layer of hair. She was developing baby fat in her arms and thighs and cheeks. It struck Maya that Jamie was starting to look like a baby, not a sick preemie who was barely holding on.

“So, listen, we need to talk,” Maya said quietly, smiling as Jamie pat her knuckles, “do you remember Carina? The beautiful doctor lady who comes to visit you all the time? Well, you’ve seduced her, Jamie. And that’s not cool – she’s mine, okay? I married her and everything.”

Maya tried to concentrate, but the image of Carina holding Jamie seemed permanently etched behind her eyelids. They were beautiful together, more than beautiful. But both Carina and Dr. Lewis were right. Maya couldn’t make a decision based on making Carina happy.

Jamie finished her bottle and Maya set it down before turning back to the baby in her arms. She continued to study Jamie, she wanted to memorize everything about her from her round belly to her button nose. Her legs were still so skinny and when Maya took one of Jamie’s feet in her hand, she was concerned to find it cold to the touch.

“We’re friends, right Jamie?” Maya asked, reaching behind her for a blanket. She managed to wrap Jamie up while placing her against her shoulder and then began to pat the baby’s back, listening for tiny little burps.

“Would you want to come live with us? We have a really nice condo. And you’d have your own bedroom.” Maya tried to picture it, a crib in the guestroom instead of a bed. Diapers and teddy bears and onesies.

When Jamie was done burping, Maya shifted her again, cradling her. It seemed that Jamie liked to lie in her arms, against her chest, looking up with her big blue eyes. Maya liked it too.

“I’m going to tell you another secret because you were really good at keeping my last one,” Maya glanced around the room making sure no one was watching before bringing Jamie’s head closer to her nose, “I don’t want to mess this up. I don’t want to make the wrong decision for you. Or for me and Carina. You don’t know this yet…maybe you do….but Carina is magic. Carina makes me better, she makes everything better. And I can’t lose her. But I can’t do something that’ll hurt you either, Jamie.”

Jamie let out another tiny mewl. It looked like it took her entire body to release the sound, but Maya felt proud. Crying was progress and Jamie’s voice…hearing her little voice…

“Did you learn how to roar, Baby T-Rex?” Maya pat Jamie’s back, which seemed to calm her. She sniffed Jamie’s head and breathed her in, letting her thoughts drift towards a future. What would it be like to bring Jamie home? Or to the Station? What would it be like to have this tiny life totally dependent on her for survival?

What would it be like for Jamie to call her mom?

The last thought made Maya swallow hard. She felt anxiety wash over her, but then Jamie grabbed onto her shirt again and it brought a surprising calm.

You know me, don’t you? You recognize me…

Maya felt her foot hit the backpack she’d left on the floor and remembered why she’d brought it in the first place.

“Oh, that reminds me, I brought you a present,” she said, reaching into the bag with one hand while still holding Jamie. She closed her fingers around the little stuffed t-rex she’d seen while grocery shopping and raised it up, holding it in front of Jamie’s face.

Jamie eyed the plush doll, and when Maya lightly set it on her chest, the baby lay her hand on the stuffy’s green fur. Maya briefly looked around the room, noting how each preemie seemed to have a mountain of toys and blankets. So far Jamie had her firefighter bear and now a dino. Maya found herself wanting to bring Jamie more. More toys. More warmth…

“I have to go away for a while, kid, so can you do me a favour while I’m gone?” Maya playfully booped Jamie’s nose with the t-rex and pulled it away, laughing a little as Jamie knit her nearly invisible eyebrows together in confusion.

“I need you to take care of Carina, okay? Sometimes she doesn’t tell me when she’s feeling sad, so if you notice anything, you call me. I’m going to see you on FaceTime a lot too and then I’m going to see you here next weekend. So, you need to be good for the nurses and drink your bottle, and I need your little heart to find its rhythm too. Can you do that for me, Jamie?”

Jamie turned her face towards Maya’s chest and snuggled against her, nuzzling her nose against the blue t-shirt Maya wore. She watched as Jamie’s eyes closed, as she fell fast asleep, and again, Maya forced herself to feel. As painful as it was, as scary as it was, she needed to feel.

She felt sad at the thought of not seeing Jamie for the week.

She felt terrified at the enormity of what she and Carina were considering.

There was fear for Jamie’s health and love for Carina and self-doubt all mixed into one.

But under it all, beneath the hesitation and confusion, hope was trying to break through.

And that scared her most of all.