33. Chapter 33

There was a familiar ache in Carina’s calves and her lower back hurt, but she couldn’t stop the smile on her face. Three births, a C-Section, a hysterectomy, and a long meeting with Meredith Grey meant that her first day back at work had been a success.

What made it even better though was the knowledge of what was waiting for her at home. She felt like she was floating, she could hear herself giggling when people asked about Jamie, it was all so lovely and so wonderful, and Carina could not get enough of the feeling.

Before Jamie, Carina would often go home to an empty apartment if Maya was working a twenty-four-hour shift. She’d sleep alone and wake in the morning to Maya softly kissing her and that had been the highlight of her day.

But now she would never spend the night by herself again. Because Jamie was there. And Maya was home too, which made Carina feel like she could levitate from happiness.

The pictures from Jamie’s swimming lesson were so sweet that she’d already showed half the OB floor and Jo Wilson. There was one of Maya holding Jamie in the air and they were laughing, Maya with her toothy grin, both with their noses scrunched up. Carina had immediately changed her lock screen.

It didn’t hurt that Maya’s biceps looked particularly shapely.

It also didn’t hurt that Maya had sent her another picture that was very much not lock screen appropriate, but had very much required a quick trip to the private staff washroom because that was a lot of perfect, naked, curvy deliciousness and Carina was only human, after all.

She knew Jamie would be asleep, but the anticipation of seeing her baby and her wife chased away any sadness over missing bedtime. It was tempting to call out for Maya as soon as she walked through the door, but she refrained, not wanting to wake up Jamie.

Instead, she paused in the doorway, sniffing the air, her smile growing even wider when she realized that Maya was making enchiladas. She zipped off her boots and walked into the kitchen where she found Maya pensive, standing over the sink washing a spatula.

“Ciao, Bella,” Carina said, pleased when Maya leaned in for a light kiss.

“Hey. Good day back?”

Carina nodded. “I’m just going to say goodnight to the bambina.”

“I thought I was your bambina?” Maya said, clearly teasing.

“Sempre.”

Maya kissed her again before turning back to the sink, but Carina did not miss the troubled look on her face.

A small nightlight illuminated the nursery, bright enough for Carina to see Jamie fast asleep in her crib. Everything about her was perfect. From the way she slept with both hands near her face, to the tiny, parted lips, Carina could not stop herself from gently stroking her fingers over the top of Jamie’s head.

“Ti voglio bene, angioletta,” she whispered, taking one last look before going to join Maya again.

She found her wife just setting a casserole dish on the table, but before they could sit down, Carina caught Maya’s hand, pulling her closer.

“Now,” she said, taking Maya’s face in her hands, “why are you sad?”

Maya rolled her eyes. “I’m not…”

“Bambina…”

“Fine. My hearing is next week. They sent the email today.”

The worried, determined look suddenly made sense. A stressed Maya could be an unpredictable Maya, so Carina wasn’t quite sure how to respond. But her wife was home, she’d made dinner, she’d bathed their daughter and put her to bed. She wasn’t on the treadmill, and she had yet to tell Carina that she was going for a run, so Carina decided to let Maya guide the conversation.

She let go of her face and took her in, trying to read the shade of Maya’s eyes.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Carina asked, finally taking a seat. Maya circled the table and sat down too, eagerly filling her glass with wine.

“I’ll need to testify, but otherwise? It’s just a bunch of stuffy HR reps holding my fate in their hands.”

“Hmmm.”

Carina wondered if she was in for a week of Maya studying, of that single-minded Maya focus that meant everything else fell by the wayside.

“They’ve taken statements from everyone,” Maya continued, “and I have no idea what anyone said about me. I have no idea how this is going to go, but I guess it’s good that it’s finally happening.”

“You’ve waited so long, Tesoro, you deserve this time,” Carina agreed.

Maya tilted her head, deep in thought, so Carina got to work helping herself to their dinner. They silently filled their plates, and it was only once Carina took her first bite that she made any noise again.

“Bambina, you must cook more often,” she said, stifling a moan. She had no idea where Maya had picked up her culinary skills, but the woman could make a mean enchilada.

The comment brought a small smile to Maya’s lips.

“I made soup today, too. Jamie slept for a few hours after the pool and we had all that chicken, so…”

“You’re never going to work again. I will keep you home.”

“You will keep me home?” Maya laughed.

“Sì. My kept woman.”

Maya raised her eyebrows and smirked, but said nothing more.

They ate in comfortable silence. Maya had a lot on her mind, but she was still present, filling Carina’s wine glass, and laughing every time Carina complimented her cooking. They so enjoyed each other’s company that words were not always necessary. Carina just liked being close to Maya, she loved coming home to her at the end of the day. It was something she’d never expected or wanted and now she couldn’t imagine her life without it.

As they cleared away the dishes, Carina gave Maya the space she needed to process. Unlike the day Ross dashed her hopes, Maya wasn’t combative or even that angry. She just seemed deep in thought, so Carina decided it best to help clean the kitchen and then gently suggest another glass of wine by the fire.

Maya surprised her though when she took her hand and pulled her to the other side of the room, to their new couch, which Carina had completely forgotten about until she was standing right in front of it.

“Did you and Jamie watch a movie yet?” Carina asked, sitting down, pleased with how comfortable the cushions seemed to be.

Maya shook her head and joined her, handing her the extra glass of wine.

“We thought we’d wait for you,” she said, leaning back, her arm extended over the pillows, close enough to gently stroke her fingers up and down Carina’s bicep.

“She looked so happy in the pool.”

A shadow passed over Maya’s face, a grimace, and Carina didn’t quite know what to make of it. The pictures had shown a very smiley Jamie and a very smiley Maya. There was no indication that anything had happened to sully the experience.

Maya turned to face Carina, a frown on her face.

“It was really great…until I turned into my dad,” she said, bowing her head.

Carina wasn’t sure what to make of the statement. “Maya…”

“All the other kids cried or they just lay there, but Jamie kicked the whole time,” Maya’s face lit up at the memory, her pride shining through, “and then the teacher said that she was a natural and I…without even pausing I starting thinking that I should get her better lessons, that I should work on strength exercises with her. That she could excel…who does that? She’s six months old…”

Carina took Maya’s glass of wine and set both of their glasses on the coffee table. When she sat up again, she pressed her thumb to Maya’s chin, forcing her to make eye contact.

“Did you keep her in the pool longer than you should have?” Carina asked.

Maya furrowed her brow. “No, of course I didn’t.”

“Did you force her to keep kicking even when she got tired?”

“Carina…”

“Did you get mad when she cried? Did you ignore her?”

Maya tilted her head, clearly understanding what Carina was doing, though she still looked troubled.

“I hate that it was even in my head,” she confessed, “it shouldn’t be.”

“Maybe not, but if you think I haven’t already fantasized about her going to medical school, you’d be wrong.”

“I’m scared,” Maya said softly, the admission so out of character that Carina was concerned.

“Bambina, no, you are so wonderful with her.”

“But what if…”

“No,” Carina said again, scooching closer to Maya on the couch. She wrapped one arm around her shoulders and with her free hand, tucked a strand of hair behind Maya’s ear.

“It happened so fast. Before I was even aware of…of thinking at all.”

“And how soon did it take you to stop thinking that way?”

Maya dipped her head, exhaling sharply.

“Besides, you are allowed to be proud of her, Maya. You are allowed to be excited that she excelled,” Carina said, relieved when she saw the beginning of a smile on Maya’s face.

“She really did. All the other babies sucked.”

“Maya!”

“What? She’s the best baby, okay?”

Carina rolled her eyes, but pulled Maya closer, forcing her into a cuddle.

“You both looked so happy in the pictures,” Carina said, kissing Maya’s cheek.

“She was ridiculously cute. Way cuter than the other babies.”

“Bambina, you cannot say that out loud.”

“Why not?” Maya laughed, “You totally agree with me.”

Carina paused to argue, but found she couldn’t. Instead, she shrugged, feeling warm all over thanks to the wine and the comfort of Maya so close.

“Then there is the other picture you sent me,” Carina said, licking her lips.

Maya’s grin was coy.

“Oh, you liked that one?”

“Sì. I liked it so much I had to excuse myself early from a meeting.”

“Why would you need to…oh…oh…wait…at work???”

Carina studied Maya’s face, enjoying the blush across her cheeks. She liked catching her wife off guard, she liked surprising her.

“Yes. At work. I could not help myself. You showed me so much, but some things…just a hint…and…” Carina dragged her eyes down Maya’s body, settling in her lap, before finding Maya’s gaze again.

“That’s very naughty, Dr. DeLuca,” Maya said, clearly pleased with herself.

“You’ve never done it at work?”

Maya’s smile widened. “Oh, I didn’t say that. Those twenty-four-hour shifts are long.”

The thought alone was enough to inspire a low swoosh in Carina’s tummy. She leaned forward, ducking her head and finding Maya’s lips, smiling into a kiss that was as comforting as it was familiar. Maya’s hands slid from her elbows to her shoulders, holding her close, keeping her in place, pressed together.

“Do you want to make out on our new couch?” Maya asked, whispering against Carina’s mouth.

Carina nodded and yelped when Maya pushed her back, landing against the cushions with Maya sprawled on top of her. It took a moment to adjust, but soon Maya was settled between Carina’s legs, and Carina slid her hands under Maya’s t-shirt, greedy for the muscled back she loved so much.

Maya reared up, balancing herself on both hands. “Will you still think I’m attractive if I’m demoted next week?”

“Bambina…”

“Or if I’m fired?”

Carina searched the beautiful face hovering above hers, unable to miss the worry and hurt reflected there.

“I love you, Maya, not because of your job. Because of you,” she said.

“I don’t really know who I am without this job.”

“You are a brilliant firefighter, and my sexy wife, and the best mom to our baby. I don’t care how many bars are on your collar, Maya. I just want you. As you are.”

“What if I have to leave 19?”

There it was…

At the heart of Maya’s concern, at the very centre of her racing thoughts, was likely this particular fear.

“I don’t know, Bambina,” Carina said, because she really didn’t.

Maya’s frown deepened as she settled heavily on top of Carina. In truth, Carina had long wondered if leaving 19 would be the best possible outcome. The station was too small for Maya and Andy to coexist, it was too small for their big personalities and their big skill and their big ambition. As long as Andy was at 19, Maya would never shine.

And Carina wanted her wife to shine because she knew how brightly Maya burned when given the opportunity.

“Maya?” Carina stroked her fingers up Maya’s spine, memorizing each bump of bone against skin.

“Hmm?”

“No matter what happens, I am here. And so is Jamie. Whatever decision you have to make…io sono qui,” Carina tapped her finger over Maya’s heart, hoping Maya understood what she was trying to say.

Maya looked down, studying Carina in that intense way she had, and then she lowered herself, enough to kiss Carina again, enough to press their lips together, all thoughts and worries forgotten as they closed their eyes and gave in to each other until Jamie needed them.

A welcome cry in the darkness.

~*~ 

It was hard not to look at Station 19 in a different light. With Maya’s hearing quickly approaching, Carina found herself wondering what it would be like if Maya left. She wanted her wife to be happy, she wanted her wife to succeed, but she would also miss seeing Maya on clinic days. Those stolen moments, trying to catch sight of her, sharing secret smiles and even more secret kisses in supply closets.

Station 19 had drawn Carina to it just as Maya had. At first her visits were all about seeing the beautiful, temperamental, frustrating firefighter whose presence felt like a much-needed drug. And then it became about more. It became about community, about actually helping people who needed her help.

She thought about what it would be like to work at the clinic without Maya close by. She thought about what it would be like to learn a new station, to meet new firefighters who would only see her as “Maya’s wife” instead of a friend and colleague. She thought about how much 19 had embraced Jamie.

And she also thought about how much pain 19 had caused Maya over the years. How often its members had disappointed her wife. How often they’d hurt her inadvertently. Or advertently. How often bureaucracy had pushed her down and tried to make her small.

Still, as Carina cleaned up from another day at the clinic, she found herself somewhat nostalgic. It was a warm August evening, and she could hear Travis and Theo in the back lot, taking advantage of the perfect weather to hose off the engine and truck. Maya was with them too, undoubtably rolling her eyes at their terrible humour though Carina knew she secretly found them both hilarious.

Katherine had dropped off Jamie thirty minutes earlier and the baby was upstairs with Jack who had promised Carina that he would never let Jamie use his head as a chair again. Vic was upstairs too, which is why Carina wasn’t overly worried about Jamie’s wellbeing.

They’d taken down the cubicles and stored the equipment, so all that was left was filing away the day’s paperwork, which Carina had volunteered to do because it meant everyone could go home on time. Andy was shut away in her office, so Carina tried to work quietly as she sat behind the front desk, sorting files that would need to be digitized at some point.

When the front door opened, Carina didn’t look up from her work. B-Squad was due any minute and she really wanted to have everything organized before going leaving. It was only when someone cleared their throat that she paused, raising her head.

She found herself looking at a tall, middle-aged man who stared back at her with watery, blue eyes. He was slouched, both hands in the pockets of his leather jacket and his greasy hair was balding at the front.

“Can I help you?” Carina asked, wondering if he needed medical assistance.

He narrowed his eyes at the sound of her voice. “This Station 19?”

The giant 19 on the building should have been a dead giveaway, but Carina bit back a sarcastic response. It wasn’t unusual for members of the public to wander in requesting Naloxone.

“Yes, it is. Were you looking for someone or…”

“Actually, I was hoping you could take a look at my hand.”

“I’m sorry, sir, the clinic is closed for the day, but if you need assistance, Grey-Sloan is six blocks from here.”

Usually she’d offer to help, but all the equipment was locked up for the night. If he required anything more than a band aid, he’d need to go to the hospital.

“Please,” he asked, “it’s nothing much. Just want to make sure it’s not infected.”

Against her better judgment, she sent a quick text to Jack asking him to keep Jamie for a few moments longer, and then stood, setting down her phone and circling the desk, her back to the stairs.

He stared at her, tilting his head. “Are you Carina DeLuca?”

Carina’s heart stuttered. She felt something cold spread across her chest.

“Sir, I think you should leave,” she said, her thoughts suddenly scattered.

Maya is outside. Jamie is upstairs. They can’t hear me outside. Andy’s door is closed. Vic is upstairs.

Jamie is upstairs. Jamie is safe.

Jamie is safe.

Maya is…

“It’s a simple question,” the man said, “are you Carina DeLuca?”

“Sir…”

He straightened to his full height, the watery eyes entirely focused on her. Carina only belatedly realized that he’d removed one hand from his jacket and that’s when she caught sight of it.

The knife.

Small but sharp.

Lethal.

“All you need to do is give me the baby. That’s all. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I’m just here to take her home.” His voice was calm as he spoke, though he took a menacing step closer, close enough that she could smell the sweat radiating from his body.

“There is no baby here,” Carina said, willing herself to stay calm. If she panicked, he might lash out, and she needed to keep him far from the stairs. Far from Jamie.

“Oh, but we both know that’s not true. So, are we going to do this the easy way or the hard way?”

“If you come any closer, I will scream.”

A hand darted out, grabbing the front of Carina’s shirt, and in her surprise she tripped forward, her side hitting the desk with a hard thud. The sudden pain was disorienting, as was the way the man pulled at her, forcing her to stand upright again while he brought his other hand to her neck where something cool suddenly pressed against the skin just below her jaw.

“You scream? I slit your throat. Now where is the baby.”

An old memory surfaced. The fear. The paralysis. Carina struggled to connect her thoughts, to force herself to stay present, to not stumble into the past and lose control. Terror clung to her, she could feel her lungs struggling, but she had to stay focused, she had to.

Because Jamie…

She wanted to see Maya’s hair turn grey. She wanted to see the laugh lines deepen around her eyes, her lips. She wanted to see her own hair turn grey too. Her mama’s hair had never turned grey.

Her mama…

The knife bit into her skin, it stung, and Carina could feel something wet drip down her throat. She tried not to make a sound, she did not want to give this man anything, not even a whimper, but her hands were shaking so badly as they curled around his wrist and forearm, and his grip was so strong, and the knife…

“You’re running out of time here, Doc,” the man said, turning his face towards the barn and then the staircase, clearly trying to figure out where to find Jamie.

She was in pain now, the cut enough to make her wince.

“There is…no…baby…here,” Carina managed, trying to distract him, trying to keep him from going anywhere else in the station.

Anywhere near her wife or her daughter.

The hand holding her shirt collar shook her, forcing her head to whip back as her body hit the desk again. It made her dizzy, it made it hard to concentrate as the knife pressed against her and her ribs burned from the force of his push, but she wouldn’t give in, even as the stinging feeling from the knife became worse.

She could see her phone light up on the counter, she knew it was likely Jack asking her what was taking so long, and she prayed her captor didn’t see it too, that he didn’t read it…

There was a commotion somewhere in the barn, the sounds of boots on cement. The man holding her looked towards it, his brow furrowed, distracted, and Carina saw her chance. She kicked him in the shins as hard as she could, hoping he’d let go, hoping he’d startle enough to make a sound, to alert someone, anyone...

He shouted in pain, loosening his grip only enough for Carina to lean back, to try and move away from the knife, but he recovered too quickly, his hand finding her shirt again, the knife once more nestled just above her carotid.

“You stupid bitch,” he growled, close enough that Carina could see his yellow teeth.

But he’d yelled. He’d yelled loudly. He’d drawn enough attention that Andy’s door suddenly swung open. She was looking down at a report, an annoyed frown on her face.

“What’s going on out he…” Her words died as she looked up while her eyes widened in shock.

She lurched forward, but a new fear bloomed in Carina’s stomach and she held up her hand, stopping Andy in her tracks, because her captor could attack any second, one wrong move and she’d bleed out, one wrong move and he’d be up the stairs, closer to Jamie, one wrong move…

“You’re both ridiculous,” a familiar voice wafted into the space, a voice full of laughter.

Her favourite voice in the world.

“As the resident hose expert, I beg to disagree.” That was Travis, the accompanying groan was Theo.

Carina’s heart felt too big, it felt like it was beating too quickly, and all she could do was watch helplessly as the door to the barn opened and Maya walked into the lobby. Like Andy, Maya paused, her brow furrowed in confusion until she met Carina’s gaze and realization washed over her features.

Realization and horror.