32. Chapter 32
Jamie sat in her carrier, her tiny brow furrowed, and Maya understood the feeling too.
The morning was barely controlled chaos. Between Carina’s return to work and the wait to hear from Simon Gillespie, the DeLuca-Bishops were in a tizzy.
Carina zipped in and out of the room, a biscotto between her teeth, as she searched for her shoes and then her car keys. Maya was trying to be as helpful as possible, making coffee, but they nearly came to blows when Carina took a sip and scowled.
“Seriously?” Maya grumbled, eyeing her own cup. She took a taste. It was fine.
Carina’s phone buzzed as she spun around the apartment like a tornado, the call display reading MEREDITH GREY, and Maya could hear her talking in the bedroom, her voice distracting Jamie who turned her face and frowned.
“Where did she go?” Maya asked, tickling Jamie’s belly.
“ahhhhhhh-ba ba ba!”
“No, you’re right, you’re right. I should’ve used the moka pot.”
Jamie huffed and held up one tiny hand, opening and closing her fist.
“Mama is just anxious because she forgets how to deliver babies,” Maya said, lifting Jamie to her shoulder.
Carina chose that moment to reappear, gesturing wildly with the biscotto in her hand. “Maya!”
“They just slide out and they kinda look like this.”
Maya held Jamie up like baby Simba, which made Carina roll her eyes.
She took Jamie from Maya’s hand, peppering her cheeks with kisses before bringing her in closer to her chest, holding her.
“I’m going to miss you, Piccola,” she said.
Jamie relaxed into Carina’s shoulder, yawning a gummy little yawn.
“We have a super busy schedule today,” Maya said, playing with Jamie’s foot, “first we’re going to wait around for the new couch delivery. And then we’re going swimming…”
Maya wasn’t sure quite how to feel about the Mommy & Me swim class scheduled for the afternoon, but Carina seemed to think it would be fun, so she agreed to take Jamie on her days off.
“You will send pictures, yes?” Carina leaned in, suddenly face to face with Maya.
After three months of mat leave, Maya wasn’t used to seeing Carina in anything but practical tights or casual sweaters. The trousers and silk blouse looked good. The fact that she was wearing heels and holding Jamie and texting Meredith Grey about fistulas simultaneously was impossibly attractive.
Maya slid her hands down Carina’s sides, coming to rest on her hips.
“Dr. DeLuca are you trying to get bathing suit shots?”
“Sì,” Carina laughed, her lips warm against Maya’s mouth.
Before Maya could deepen the kiss, her phone rang, and Maya felt her heartrate accelerate. She stared down at the object on the table, gathering courage before clicking accept.
“Mr. Gillespie?”
“Hello, Ms. Bishop. Dr. DeLuca.”
Maya glanced at Carina whose smirk had been replaced with open worry.
“I won’t keep you waiting,” Simon said, “the judge immediately tossed their petition. And granted a restraining order. Dawn Ferguson and Gerry Smith can’t come anywhere near Jamie.”
For the second time in 24 hours, Maya found herself struggling to take in the information.
“So…it’s…we…” She stammered, blinking once and then again.
“It’s done?” Carina seemed to settle first, a smile spreading over her face.
“It is,” Simon confirmed, “As I said before, your adoption will likely be finalized in a few months. You can speak to Mrs. Lucas about the remaining home visit, but given what happened this week? The judge seems just as eager as you are to secure Jamie’s future.”
Jamie’s future.
Jamie’s future was their future too.
Again, Maya and Carina said their goodbyes, and again they stared at each other in shock. But Carina’s smile was infectious, as was her laughter.
Jamie was studying Carina’s face intently, her little hand coming to rest on Carina’s chin.
“La mia cucciolotta,” Carina cooed, teary eyed.
Maya pulled Carina in for a hug, her hands drawn to Carina’s hips once more. They swayed, Jamie between them, and Maya couldn’t help but remember their wedding, the tears as she swayed in the sanctuary of Carina’s arms.
Now there was only laughter. Now Carina’s arms held their world.
~*~
It wasn’t until they were half-way to the pool that Maya realized how different her life was from anything she’d expected or planned.
She reviewed the morning in her head, part of her in disbelief that this was her world now.
The new couch was similar to their other couch, brown leather, but it was comfortable and perfect for movie nights with Jamie. Maya had watched the delivery men set it down and then she’d stretched out on the soft cushions, Jamie on her chest, and imagined showing Jamie The Wizard of Oz for the first time. She wondered if Jamie would be afraid of the flying monkeys or if she’d love them.
Maya had loved them as a child.
Now she was driving to a community pool. She was willingly taking a class that would force her to make small talk with other moms. Her entire day was scheduled around doing things for Jamie.
As an athlete, Maya had lived at the centre of her own universe. It had made her selfish out of necessity. Understandably so.
She’d had to pay attention to her body. Mold it. Care for it.
And then after the Olympics, she’d dedicated herself to getting exactly what she wanted when she wanted it.
Battalion Chief by 40.
Sex on Wednesdays.
The captaincy.
Glancing in the rear-view mirror as she stopped at a red light, Maya caught sight of the back seat of her car. There was an empty bottle. Jamie’s wolf stuffy. A pair of running shoes. Carina’s dry cleaning.
Who am I?
The thought wormed its way in like a parasite. A parasite she couldn’t quite reject. Not yet.
Had she given up too many pieces of herself? Was there anything left of her?
Who was this person she’d become? A devoted wife. A loving mother. A firefighter who put her family first. Who made decisions based on what was best for that family?
Maya swallowed hard, concentrating on driving and the sound of Jamie gurgling in her car seat. As she pulled into the parking lot, the feeling worsened, something about the building in front of her triggering an old memory.
She climbed out of the car and opened the back door, sighing in relief at the sight of Jamie’s drooly grin. The baby looked at her and the grin grew bigger, and Maya laughed at the way Jamie always stuck out her tongue when she smiled wide. Maya snapped a quick picture for Carina, and was about to send it when she paused, the conflict inside her clashing with her happiness.
Because she was so happy. She was happier than she’d ever been. She was looking at her child who was looking back at her with clear love. She was about to text her wife, a woman who made every day worth living.
The hearing with SFD loomed over them both, but ultimately, Maya forced herself to embrace the fact that life had changed, and it was so much better than anything she’d ever dreamed of.
She still wanted to make Battalion Chief. She still wanted to climb the ranks.
But she didn’t need to sacrifice her personal happiness to do it.
She used to think that she was happy. She loved her job and she loved the freedoms her life afforded her. But happiness came in multiple shades and the version of Maya who had loved meaningless sex had come to learn that meaningful sex with the love of your life was just as rewarding.
More than just.
Maya sent the picture to Carina before reaching into the car and removing Jamie from her car seat. She balanced Jamie in one arm and their bag in another and with a deep breath walked into the building.
The uncomfortable familiarity became worse. How many community centres had she attend with her father? How many locker rooms and public track and field competitions? How many times did Lane insist she run indoors when he felt the outdoor conditions were unacceptable? Maya practically grew up in community centres.
She signed in at the desk, peeking down at Jamie as she did as if to ensure that she really wanted to be here. As if she could grant her consent in a way that Maya never could.
“Okay, Jamie, if you don’t like this, you just tell me and we’re out of here,” Maya said before kissing Jamie’s forehead and walking towards the locker room.
She chose a locker mid-way between the showers and the entrance to the pool. There were tables near each section where other moms were changing their babies and the smell of chlorine wafted in the air.
“First time here?”
Maya turned towards the sound of an unfamiliar voice and found herself looking at a woman standing across from her, a baby in her arms too.
“That obvious?” Maya said with a smile, reminding herself to be friendly.
“I’m Lakshmi and this,” the woman said pointing to the baby, “is Devi.”
Maya reached out to shake Lakshmi’s hand.
“Maya,” she smiled back, “and Jamie.”
“Oh my goodness, so sweet! How old is she?”
Not the small talk. Anything but the small talk…
“Almost six months,” Maya didn’t miss the surprise on Lakshmi’s face.
I should ask about her baby. I don’t care about her baby. I’m sure she’s a perfectly good baby, but she’s not Jamie. Jamie’s the best baby. Jamie wins.
“Devi is six months too,” Lakshmi said, starting to unzip Devi’s onesie.
Devi looked like a giant compared to Jamie. It made Maya feel unnecessarily defensive.
“Jamie was born at twenty-nine weeks,” Maya explained, subconsciously setting her free hand on Jamie’s back, holding her even closer.
“Oh my! A fighter! That must have been so difficult.”
“It was.”
Oh my God please make this stop. Please. She’s going to mention the weather next, just watch.
“Well, she’s beautiful. And I can see where she gets those blue eyes,” Lakshmi said, pointing towards Maya.
Before Maya could formulate a response, Devi started crying. Lakshmi shot Maya an apologetic look before scooping up the baby and walking away, bouncing the unhappy little girl as she did.
“What do you think, Baby T-Rex?” Maya glanced down at Jamie who tipped her head up and pressed her little hand to Maya’s mouth.
“aaapfffffffffah!”
“You’re right, J, that wasn’t totally awful. I’m trying to play nice like Mama told me to.”
Maya placed Jamie on the nearby changing table and reached into her bag for the swim diapers she’d packed the day before.
“Sharks or whales?” Maya asked, holding up both options for Jamie, but Jamie was busy trying to eat her own foot, so Maya made the decision for her.
Sharks. Definitely sharks. Badass tiny sharks.
She convinced Jamie to put her foot down long enough to change her out of her onesie and regular diaper and then it was time for Maya to undress too. She’d worn her bathing suit under her clothes, making sure to change in front of Carina as she slipped it on. It was the same one she’d worn on their first vacation together. Carina very much liked the zipper feature.
“Do we have everything?” Maya looked around her space, making sure she had towels. She picked up her phone, about to take one more picture for Carina, when she realized that her wife had already sent her a text.
Maya expected a simple have fun. What she got instead was a picture of Carina in her office, leaning back in her chair, wearing scrub pants and only scrub pants. She’d obviously taken the picture holding the phone above her. She’d even had the audacity to throw a peace sign.
“Your mama is a menace to society,” Maya grumbled, pinching the bridge of her nose.
Maya: I am about to take our innocent child swimming, Dr. DeLuca. With other children.
Carina: Are you going to punish me later?
Maya bit her lip to keep from moaning. She glanced up, noting a few other people walking towards the pool, and she briefly wondered if they too had insanely sexy spouses who sent pictures of their insanely sexy naked bodies, at insanely inappropriate times.
Maya: You’ve been very bad.
Carina sent a devil emoji in return.
“An absolute menace,” Maya said, exhaling sharply. She picked up Jamie and their towels and then set off towards the pool, praying no one would notice the red blush across her cheeks.
~*~
The first thing Maya saw was the massive flag set high above the swim area. There was no mistaking the five multi-coloured rings she’d spent half her life chasing. They always filled her with pride, with confidence, and with a pang of bittersweet sadness.
Because she’d stepped off the podium in pain, and she’d faced the press, and later that night she’d found out that her brother had almost died.
That he was all alone and he’d almost chocked to death on his own vomit while she was crying as the national anthem played.
More recently, the rings brought a strange unease that Maya couldn’t quite reconcile yet. The Olympics were so tied into Lane. The rings had been his goal all along. He’d held them in front of her, he’d used them as motivation, and he’d used them as punishment.
She associated them with exhaustion and hunger and pain.
She also associated them with triumph and determination and greatness.
Carina would say that they could be all of those things at the same time. Carina was also quite encouraging of Maya’s wish to finally get the rings tattooed onto her body. She’d earned them. And Lane could no longer control her decisions.
He could no longer tell her that tattoos were for trashy women. That she’d ruin herself if she got one.
Maya looked at the flag and propped Jamie just a little higher on her shoulder.
“Let’s go kick these other baby’s butts,” she said, before grimacing, “uh…unless you don’t want to. Your leg work is really strong, but you have to do you, Jamie. I support you 100%.”
A small group had gathered in the shallow end of the pool. There were other moms milling about, holding infants of various sizes. As she got closer, Maya noticed small mats set out on the pool deck. The instructor looked no more than eighteen years old, and Maya had half a mind to demand her credentials, but she refrained because the class had great reviews online and she’d done her research.
As if reading her mind, the instructor descended a small ladder into the pool and bobbed.
“If you all want to put baby down and get into the pool?” She asked.
All the moms obeyed, so Maya did too, leaning over to place Jamie on her little mat. She set their towels and phone down too, just in case Jamie started crying. She was sensitive to cold air and Maya didn’t want her to get upset.
Once Jamie was safe, Maya sat down on the edge and slipped into the water, pleased to find it warm.
“I’m Becca,” the instructor said with a wave, “and if we could all go around and introduce ourselves? Your name, baby’s name, your job, and the reason you’d like your baby to start swimming lessons.”
Don’t roll your eyes. DON’T ROLL YOUR EYES.
Maya forced herself to listen as one by one, the adults in the pool dutifully introduced themselves. There was a teacher, a restaurant manager, a stay-at-home mom. One woman close by was a cardiothoracic surgeon as Seattle Presbyterian, and Maya had to refrain from name-dropping Carina even though she very much wanted to share that her wife, Carina DeLuca MD, was one of the world’s preeminent OB/GYN’s.
The woman next to Maya introduced herself as Faith, laughing as she pointed over her shoulder towards her baby and said, “that’s Malcolm and he’s going to be an Olympian someday.”
Maya looked over at Jamie, making eye contact, and she smirked when the baby waved her fist in the air, which Maya proceeded to bump with her own.
If they only knew, right Jamie? Greatness in their midst.
When it was her turn, Maya forced a smile.
“I’m Maya,” she said, “and this is Jamie. I’m a firefighter and it’s imperative that children learn water safety as soon as possible. 90% of drowning deaths are preventable.”
There was an awkward silence, but Maya didn’t care. She knew Jamie was in full agreement.
“Okay everyone. If you leave your phones on the mat, Sarah will be by to take pictures to mark baby’s first swimming lesson. But in the meantime, take for baby to get in the pool!”
Maya deeply hated how Becca used “baby” to indicate all the babies. It set her teeth on edge, so she decided to concentrate on her baby, who was busy kicking her feet. Maya lifted her up, her annoyance fading at the sight of the perfect little baby belly and Jamie’s impossibly tiny shoulders.
“Did you get cuter in the last thirty seconds?” Maya laughed, playfully kissing Jamie’s tummy because she could not get enough of it.
She adjusted Jamie, letting her little toes hit the water and waited, wondering how Jamie would react.
“Now, if you want to lie baby on their back, keep your hands under their head and their bottom,” Becca said, walking around the semi-circle.
Maya did as she was told, again watching to see what Jamie would do. She looked on as Jamie lay flat on her back in the water, her little face scrunched up in confusion. Maya had read that babies often mimicked the facial expressions of their parents, and the tiny frown was pure Carina.
But then Jamie kicked her feet and the confusion lifted, replaced with her usual drooly smile. Some of the other babies started crying, some looked fairly relaxed, but Jamie’s arms and legs never stopped moving.
Becca instructed the moms to gently drag their babies through the water, still holding them from underneath. When Maya started, Jamie laughed, her nose scrunched up in a way that reminded Maya of her own face.
“Wow, she’s a natural!” Becca said as she swam by, and something roared in Maya’s chest.
She’s killing this. She’s naturally talented. I should look into better lessons, something that helps strengthen her arms and…
The roar was quickly replaced by ice. Maya lifted Jamie from the water and held her close, spooked by how quickly her brain had gone there. How quickly he rose within her.
“I’m sorry,” Maya whispered against Jamie’s head, “I’m so sorry. You’re perfect and so is your mama and I won’t…I’m sorry.”
Jamie nuzzled her face into Maya’s neck. She was so trusting. She obviously felt safe in Maya’s arms though for a moment Maya didn’t feel she deserved that trust.
Maya turned her back, no longer wanting the Olympic flag in her line of sight.
The lesson continued for another ten minutes. Becca had all the moms hold their babies in various positions. By the end, most of the little ones were in tears, including Jamie, cold and tired from their big adventure.
Maya found herself again next to Lakshmi as they walked back to the locker room. Jamie was swaddled in a towel, half asleep against Maya’s chest.
“Girl, you need to tell me your leg routine,” Lakshmi said, shaking her head. She waved and then turned her attention to Devi who was whining, clearly still cold from the pool.
One of the other instructors had left their phones waiting on a table inside the locker room, so Maya grabbed hers, hoping there was at least one good picture to send Carina.
Thinking about Carina evoked the memory of Carina’s last text, which caused instant distraction. She nearly walked by their locker, only stopping because Lakshmi was already there.
Jamie was fast asleep in her arms, but Maya knew she had to shower, get Jamie dressed, get herself dressed, and then head to the grocery store to pick up food for dinner.
A checklist began to form in her mind, each step becoming clearer and clearer.
Shower first.
Dress Jamie.
Dress yourself.
Get groceries.
Give Jamie a bath.
Make dinner.
Kiss wife.
Maya quickly grabbed her shampoo from their locker and went off in search of the showers. She found an empty stall and was relieved to see that some thoughtful person had set up baby baths in each cubicle, which meant she could safely put Jamie down while she washed her hair. She belatedly realized she was still holding her phone too so the fact that the baby bath was away from the splash zone was an added bonus.
With Jamie still sleeping, Maya slipped off her bathing suit and then turned on the shower, double checking that Jamie wouldn’t be sprayed. She was chilled and the warm water felt nice, as did the shampoo. The pool chemicals were harsh, and she could just imagine Carina frowning if she found Maya’s hair anything but soft.
Carina…
“Jamie, stay asleep, okay?” Maya whispered, drying her hands on a towel and grabbing her phone.
She picked her angle, deciding to give Carina a taste of her own medicine and held the phone overhead. She even flashed the same peace sign.
Except Carina had been wearing pants and Maya very much was not.
Maya: Sorry it’s not the bathing suit shot you wanted…
Her phone started pinging seconds later, but Maya had already shut off the tap and wrapped the towel around her body. She raised Jamie, her hands full with the baby and the shampoo bottles and the dinging phone. It was only when she made it back to the locker that she decided to see what Carina had to say.
Carina: Bambina…
Carina: You can’t do that
Carina: Now who is being bad?
Maya bit her lip, feeling rather smug, and then got to work on changing Jamie’s diaper. She was in the middle of buttoning her jeans when one more message came through. A message that made her desperately want to kiss her wife.
Carina: Tu sei bellissima, amore mio <3