29. Chapter 29

The morning felt like a funeral, though Maya tried as hard as she could to push that thought away.

A funeral meant death. It meant someone had died. Never to return.

And this wasn’t a funeral.

It was a loss. There was no denying it, but it was far from the end.

Because there was no end that didn’t involve Jamie coming home for good. Maya refused to entertain the thought.

She held Jamie close as Carina methodically packed her diaper bag. Jamie was still sleepy and mostly napped against Maya’s shoulder, her little hand tucked into the collar of Maya’s t-shirt.

“You do that too,” Maya said, pointing at Jamie’s strong grip.

Carina looked up and forced a smile. “You are always moving, Bambina, it’s how we make you stay still.”

Still

Every instinct was telling Maya to run. To set Jamie down and turn towards the door and take off, forcing her muscles to work until they couldn’t work anymore. Running meant embracing the pain instead of drowning in it. And Maya was in so much pain.

There was a loud knock on the front door, interrupting whatever Maya had planned to say next. Instead, she tensed, and so did Carina, and they looked at each other with sorrow-filled eyes, knowing the hardest part was yet to come.

Nancy looked equally somber as Carina let her inside, which was somewhat of a relief. The social worker was very much on the DeLuca-Bishop’s side. She wouldn’t let anything bad happen to Jamie. It made the sting a little less. But only a little.

“I will have her home at six sharp,” Nancy said, taking Jamie’s diaper bag.

Maya tightened her grip on Jamie’s body. “And you have our numbers?”

Nancy nodded and then paused.

It was time for Jamie to go.

Carina brushed her hand over Jamie’s head, smoothing back her wispy curls. She sniffled, trying to hold in anything louder lest she scare Jamie, but Maya could tell that she was shaking.

“Ti voglio bene, Jamie. Presto sarai a casa. Con me e la mommy,” Carina’s voice wavered, but hearing her speak to Jamie in Italian made Maya feel stronger.

This was their family. Jamie was going to speak Italian too. She was going to cheer for Team Italia and she was going to learn how to make pasta with Carina and she was going to play on the beaches of Sicily just like her mama.

Maya kissed Jamie’s forehead, stroking her fingers down one chubby cheek, memorizing the softness of her skin.

“It’s going to be okay, Jamie. I promise,” Maya whispered, closing her eyes, bracing for what came next.

Maya Bishop was a strong woman. She bench-pressed hoses. She wore 70lbs of equipment daily. Despite her height, she was powerful.

Except her arms felt like jelly. The idea of moving them, of using them to send Jamie away, felt impossible.

Nancy seemed to sense her difficulty and reached out, taking Jamie in both hands. It took only a second for Jamie to register that she was no longer in Maya’s arms. Sleepy contentment shifted to fear and Maya knew what was about to happen before it did.

Jamie’s lower lip wobbled and then she was crying, loud, angry tears, that inspired a muffled sob from Carina. The sight of Jamie’s tiny face, red, scrunched up in confusion, was almost too much to bear.

“It’s okay, Jamie,” Maya said again, wanting to believe it, wanting so desperately to believe her own words.

Nancy took a steadying breath and bounced Jamie against her shoulder, trying to calm her.

“By six,” she said, “I won’t let her out of my sight.”

Maya could only nod, unable to form words, while Carina pressed a hand to her mouth, and as Nancy walked out the door, they stood frozen in place, the sound of Jamie’s cries drifting all the way down the hallway and into the elevator.

Step one: close the door

She couldn’t run, but she could plan, and Maya allowed her mind to organize. To create a strategy for surviving the day. A map that she could read and follow.

Maya walked to the door and closed it.

Step two: Wife

Perhaps the most complex part of the day’s map. Maya turned to find Carina bracing herself against the kitchen table, her shoulders shaking though she did not cry out. The gaunt look had reappeared, her eyes simultaneously glassy and dull. She looked ill, stripped of her usual healthy radiance.

“Carina?” Maya stepped closer, placing one hand on Carina’s arm, encouraging her to stand.

“She was scared,” Carina whispered, giving voice to what hurt Maya the most too.

“I know. That was terrible.”

Carina nodded. “That was even worse than I thought it was going to be.”

“So much worse. Do you want to go scream about it?”

Carina shook her head and she looked so defeated that Maya decided it was time for emergency measures.

“Sit down,” she said, patting one of the chairs. Carina raised an eyebrow, but obeyed, emotionally exhausted and still a little shaky.

There were reminders of Jamie everywhere – clean bottles in the drain, a dirty bib on the countertop. Despite her aching sadness, Maya decided that being surrounded by Jamie was actually a good thing.

Jamie lived here. With them. And that wasn’t changing just because some judge decided to allow a random stranger to take her for one day a week.

Maya opened the fridge and pulled out a fresh package of bacon, already knowing that Carina would complain about its poor quality. But poor quality bacon was better than no bacon, so Maya was not about to take any criticism.

“We’re having bacon,” she explained, grabbing a frying pan.

Carina scoffed. “Why?”

“Because we’re sad. And we deserve bacon.”

“Maya…”

“Go get dressed. I’ll call you when it’s ready.”

“Get dressed?”

Maya turned from the stove top, eyeing Carina’s sweatpants. They were very un-Carina.

“We’re going out,” Maya said, leaving no room for argument.

Carina rolled her eyes. “Maya, I do not want to go out.”

“Well, that’s too bad. We’re going out after we eat this bacon. Now go put on those jeans I like.”

“Mi scusi?”

“That’s an order, Probie.”

“Probie?” Carina practically growled the word, which made Maya smirk.

“Don’t make me ask twice.”

Maya turned back to the pan, pleased to hear Carina’s footsteps head towards the bedroom. There was a lot of cursing in Italian too, but cursing in Italian was preferable to weeping on the floor.

Step two was going better than expected.

They ate in relative silence. Maya playfully stole bacon from Carina’s plate and Carina playfully slapped Maya’s hand and while they were both heartbroken, being heartbroken together somehow made the situation easier.

When they were done breakfast, Maya dipped into their bedroom, slipping into a pair of joggers and a Henley. She crossed the apartment, grabbing her sneakers by the door, and then turned to Carina who was still in the kitchen sipping coffee.

“Do you want to drive or should I?” Maya asked, pulling her bomber jacket from the hook.

Carina sighed. “Maya I really do not want to go out.”

“You make a compelling argument. Get your shoes on.”

“Maya!”

Maya secretly loved the way Carina said her name when she was exasperated. The second syllable was emphasized, higher than the first. No one said her name like Carina said her name.

“We can sit at home for the next nine hours and cry, or we can go spend money and carb load,” Maya said with a shrug, feeling like she was dangling a metaphorical carrot in front of her wife.

Carina narrowed her eyes, staring Maya down, but soon grit her teeth and let out a frustrated grunt.

“I’m mad at you!” She said, already working on her boots.

“You can’t be mad at me. I gave you bacon and I give you sex.”

“You give me…sei incredibile…” Carina shook her head, brushing past Maya into the hallway. Listening to her continuous rant made Maya mentally give herself a high five.

It was still early in the day. They had hours to go. But Maya knew without a doubt that they’d make it through. And so would Jamie.

~*~

Step three: Distraction

Maya carefully parked her Jeep, biting her lip as Carina leaned forward and stared out the windshield.

“Target?” She asked, her brow furrowed.

“Target,” Maya confirmed, unclicking her seatbelt and unceremoniously prancing out the door.

Carina was less than enthusiastic, but she followed Maya across the lot and into the store, walking with her arms crossed, a permanent pout on her lips. Maya grabbed a cart and avoided the urge to kiss Carina’s cute face.

They wandered the aisles, though Maya knew exactly where she was going, but there was something amusing about watching Carina - whose closet was full of imported couture - walk through the clothing section. Half of Maya’s wardrobe was from Target, but she had no intention of browsing for herself.

“Come on,” she said, picking up her pace, ensuring that Carina was behind her as she walked closer to their destination.

She came to a stop in front of a display stand covered in tiny bathing suits, and tiny sunhats, and tiny sandals. All around them, baby clothes hung from hangers or were stacked on tables. Nearby was the toy aisle and next to it Maya knew they’d find a large selection of baby books.

“Maya what are we doing?” Carina asked. She looked uncomfortable and so unhappy.

“We’re shopping for Jamie.”

“Why?”

Maya released her grip on the cart and took one of Carina’s hands.

“Because Jamie is coming home and no one is taking her from us. So, we’re going to buy her a pile of stuff and think about the future and make plans, okay?”

The pout on Carina’s face disappeared. She looked up, meeting Maya’s gaze, and smiled with a wobbly bottom lip. Carina wouldn’t be the first overwhelmed mother to cry in Target, nor would she be the last, but Maya wanted to see that perfect smile on Carina’s face again, so she stepped into Carina’s space and wrapped her arms around her in quick hug. Staying strong for Carina was helping her cope with her own fears. The plans and the schedule served as much needed distraction, but holding Carina was the best cure for Maya’s pain and sadness about the situation.

She was terrified for Jamie. Terrified by the idea that Jamie was somewhere in the city with a stranger, and even though she was with Nancy, her tiny baby brain likely could not comprehend what was happening at all. Was she scared? Was she lonely? Did she know that she’d see her moms again? That they were waiting for her? That they loved her?

Maya could not get the thought out of her mind. Jamie was scared and needed them and maybe she felt like they’d abandoned her. Like she’d never get to go home again.

And something about buying Jamie new onesies and blocks and books made the terror smaller. Something about trying to make Carina smile helped too. They had to survive seven hours, but when seven hours were up, Jamie would be in their arms again.

As if sensing Maya’s own inner turmoil, Carina relaxed and pressed a small kiss to Maya’s shoulder, obviously aware that they were in public. With a deep centering breath she leaned back, looking stronger than Maya had seen her in days.

“Bambina, why didn’t you say we were going on a shopping spree?” She asked, already eyeing a display covered in Jamie-sized pyjamas.

Maya picked up a pink onesie patterned with dinosaurs and volcanos.

“Should’ve led with that, hey?” She laughed, dangling the outfit in front of her.

Carina snatched the jammies and dropped them in their cart.

Step three: Distraction

~*~

Step four: Carbs

The second time Carina saw Maya Bishop, she was struck with a frustrating sense of familiarity. In truth, she’d really only seen Maya in profile at the hospital, the object in her hand more distracting than the delicate cheekbones and strong jaw.

Under the dim light at Joe’s, far from the harsh hospital fluorescents, Carina quickly fused the two images together.

The woman with the plastic bag.

The woman seated next to her. Beautiful and sad.

She’d been surprised by Maya’s voice. It was lower than she’d expected. Raspier.

She’d also been surprised by Maya’s eyes because she hadn’t expected them to be so blue. She’d dated blue-eyed people before, but even in those first few moments, Maya’s eyes shifted shades. They were dark and when she turned, they appeared lighter. Carina found it fascinating.

She’d never fully understand why they didn’t sleep together that night. The attraction was there. Carina had been fairly determined to get Maya naked as soon as possible, but something stopped them.

They’d talked most of the evening. Laughing easily, both surprised to be able to do so in the company of a stranger. They’d also confessed things – things that made sex even more tempting, but things that also made Carina want to know Maya beyond her skills in the bedroom.

Because Maya had looked at her with a wry smile and said, “you’re the first person who’s wanted to drink with me in a long time.”

And Carina smiled back and said, “I find that hard to believe.”

Which caused Maya’s shoulders to slump so heavily that Carina worried that she’d hurt herself.

Getting to know Maya was like trying to pry apart a box welded shut. She was brash and confident and arrogant. But she was also sweet and attentive and sad.

She was so sad. It clung to her like a perfume. A sadness so deep that it lingered always in her eyes.

At first Carina thought it was the result of a stressful job.

Later, she came to understand that it was the part of Maya that had been subdued by an unfeeling father. The part of her that Lane killed with his demands and his insults. The part of Maya who’d kissed a girl she liked only to be punished for showing kindness.

The part of Maya still in braids and braces.

Over the years, Maya’s defensive walls had come down bit by bit. Her temper, her cruelty, her cold exterior faded, revealing warmth and love and a beautiful heart that Carina had never expected. She’d watched Maya struggle through pain, mistreatment, injustice. She’d seen all the hurt that Maya tried to push down.

She also saw all the good too. Underneath the bravado there was a sweet soul, there was a version of Maya that Lane hadn’t been able to shape. That she’d kept hidden, that she was desperate to silence lest anyone interpret it as weakness.

Carina saw that version of Maya clearest of all.

And then Jamie had forced the welded box open. Maya couldn’t hide her heart anymore. Even if she wanted to.

Carina could tell that it sometimes overwhelmed Maya. The depth of her feelings. But she could also see how hard Maya was working to accept the hidden, silenced pieces of herself. To give in to her joy, her love.

It was all over her face as they sat in a quaint Sicilian restaurant that Maya had discovered the year before. After their Target run, Maya hurried Carina back into the car and drove without a hint about their destination. That Bishop determination could be infectious and instead of fighting Maya for information, Carina decided to go along with Maya’s plans. Plans that were likely helping Maya cope with her own anxieties.

La Fontana Siciliana was as close as Carina could get to her nonna’s cooking and the fact that Maya had even thought of it had Carina in a near-swoon.

She was heartbroken over Jamie, fearful every time she thought about her little baby with a stranger.

But Maya was making the intolerable tolerable. She was holding them up on her strong shoulders, though Carina knew her wife well enough to see the cost too. Maya would tear herself in two if it meant making Carina and Jamie happy. Carina very much did not want Maya tearing herself in two.

“Bambina, thank you for this,” Carina said, reaching across the table to take Maya’s hand. Maya looked up from the menu, smiling.

“Honestly? I just wanted the cannelloni. Totally selfish move on my part.”

“Hmm.”

Maya folded her fingers into Carina’s and they stayed locked in silence until a waiter appeared, his accent telling Carina that he was from Sicily too.

She always felt a little lighter speaking in Italian. It was as natural to her as breathing. It made something as simple as ordering food oddly relaxing. Another layer of stress fell away upon hearing the waiter’s familiar cadence. Maya likely knew this about her too. Another reason she’d probably chosen this restaurant.

The outdoor terrace and warm August day made the scene almost romantic. If not for their shared sorrow, it would’ve been a wonderful date.

Except Carina watched Maya carefully, knowing that her wife had spent most of the past few days trying to be a supportive spouse. She wasn’t sure if Maya had slept properly or if she was eating. And it was her turn to check-in with Maya. Her turn to hold them up for a little while.

Carina stayed quiet as Maya stared at their joined hands, worrying her bottom lip, as a small wrinkle appeared between her eyebrows. She was clearly concerned, her over-active brain working through multiple scenarios. Carina rubbed her thumb over Maya’s knuckle, pulling her attention.

“What is it?” Carina asked gently, catching sad blue eyes.

Maya shrugged. “It’s fine.”

“No. None of that. Not today.”

A humourless smirk appeared on Maya’s face and she bowed her head.

“She doesn’t know she’s coming home,” Maya said, “she thinks we abandoned her.”

It had bothered Carina too, the idea that Jamie was scared and confused. But hearing it from Maya softened the edges of Carina’s fear. Sharing somehow made it less of a burden.

“So, we must hold her extra close tonight,” Carina said.

“What if she thinks we did it on purpose? That we hurt her?”

There were people who thought Maya Bishop was ruthless, heartless. An unfeeling machine. But Carina knew the truth. Carina knew that her wife had the biggest heart, that her capacity for love was beyond even Maya’s ability to comprehend. She thought about Lane, about the man who’d convinced her wife that love was a distraction, a burden. That she was incapable and unworthy of it.

Yet here she was, terrified that she’d somehow hurt their baby. Even inadvertently. Even without intention. Maya was scared she’d inflicted harm.

“Oh, Bambina, no,” Carina sighed, reaching across the table to cup Maya’s cheek.

“I want her to know she’s safe. I told her I’d protect her…”

If they weren’t already married Carina would have proposed on the spot.

“You do protect her. You protect me too,” Carina insisted knowing her words could only go so far to convince Maya.

Maya turned her head and kissed Carina’s palm. She didn’t say anything else, choosing instead to lean back in her chair, and close her eyes, taking in the late summer sun.

When their food arrived, Maya seemed to perk up, eager to dig into her meal. It revived them both, the familiar flavours, Maya’s questions about Sicilian cuisine, about nonna.

Time was passing. They could both feel it. And with each moment that ticked by, their hope returned.

“When do you want to take Jamie to Italy?” Maya asked, surprising Carina.

“As soon as I get my Green Card, I guess?”

“She’s still so little. But, yeah, we should do that.”

At five months old, Jamie appeared to be the size of a three-month-old, but Carina knew she’d likely catch up by the time she was a toddler. The thought of Jamie’s impossibly small toes brought a rush of anxiety and Carina forced herself to refocus on her meal and Maya and the fantasy trip they were weaving.

“You know what else we should do in Italy?” Maya was saying, clearly caught up in a full-blown brainstorming session, so Carina just sat back and decided to let it happen.

“What?”

“We should get a civil union. Because our marriage isn’t recognized in Italy, but that’s where you’re from, so I want to lock things down.”

Carina took a sip of wine, trying to hide her laughter. “Lock things down?”

“Yes. Because sorry Italy, Carina DeLuca is off the market. Finito.”

“Maya…”

“It’s to protect us too,” Maya explained, “but mostly, I just want to be married to you everywhere.”

Oh, she is getting so much sex tonight and she doesn’t even know it yet...

Carina stroked the rim of her glass with one finger. “Bene. A civil union. We really must work on our proposals, Bambina.”

“We’re not down on one knee kind of people,” Maya laughed and then groaned when Carina raised an eyebrow and smirked.

Maya continued to plan a perfect vacation, her hands flying as she spoke, a habit she’d picked up from Carina who sat quietly, content to watch and listen.

For a moment Carina forgot that they were in the midst of a custody battle.

That Maya was in the middle of an internal investigation at SFD.

They were just two women in love, planning a future they could only imagine, excited to show their baby the world.