28. Chapter 28

Morning came far too quickly and the tension remained.

Maya dressed, she brushed her teeth and combed her hair, and when she went out into the kitchen to make her smoothie, she found the apartment quiet, which meant Carina had spent all night in Jamie’s room.

Usually, Carina would wake up with her. They’d make coffee, or Carina would spend far too long choosing her outfit for the day while Maya chided her. More recently, mornings were for kisses with Jamie and bottles and diaper changes.

But what if they lost kisses with Jamie and bottles and diaper changes? What if Jamie was gone and all that was left was this silent apartment?

Maya tried to push the thought away as she dumped kale and protein powder and honey into the blender. She added ice and yogurt and a sprinkle of cinnamon and, without thinking, she pushed the power on, the loud grind of the machine piercing in the morning calm.

She was so distracted by her dark thoughts that she didn’t see Carina storm out of Jamie’s nursery until she was practically standing in the kitchen.

“Maya!” She yelled over the sound of the blender, red-faced and clearly angry.

Maya hit the off switch and belatedly realized that Jamie was crying.

“Shit, sorry,” she mumbled, ducking her head.

“You couldn’t skip it just one morning?”

“I said sorry, okay?”

Carina grumbled and walked away, still wearing her crumpled trousers and blouse from the day before. It was time to go, but Maya’s concern pushed her to go check on Jamie before she left. The baby was still crying as Maya stepped into the nursery, though Carina was busy walking back and forth, bouncing her against her shoulder.

“Hey, Jamie,” Maya said, wishing Carina would slow down, “mommy is a moron sometimes.”

Jamie hiccupped and then turned her head, trying to follow the sound of Maya’s voice.

“Carina…” Maya tried to step into her path, but Carina avoided her. “Carina, come on!”

“Go to work, Maya.”

“You know I have to. You know with the investigation I can’t just not show up.”

“Sì, always with the priorities.”

Maya flinched. “She’s my baby too, Carina. I’m going through this just as much as you are.”

“I know.”

“Do you? Because you’re making this harder than it already is,” Maya said, balling her hands into fists.

“But you go to work. They take her from us tomorrow, but you go to work.”

“Carina…”

“Just go, Maya.”

“This is happening to me too, Carina. So, yes, I’m going to work. You won’t even let me touch her, so why should I stay?” Maya spun on her heels and walked out, ignoring Carina’s call for her, unable to find any sense of calm in the situation.

The sound of Jamie’s tears broke her heart, but the sound of her name from Carina’s lips was equally painful.

~*~

The punching bag did little to relieve the tension in Maya’s body.

She hit it over and over, grunting as she moved, trying not to think about lawyers or grandmothers or wives. Despite Carina’s protests, Maya wanted to be at work. She wanted the distraction, but her go-to methods of avoidance were not working.

Jamie’s face swam before her, the feeling of Jamie’s fingers against her cheek, her smell, her button nose. Maya growled, picking up her pace, wishing that life wasn’t always so hard. Wishing it all didn’t hurt so much.

“Everything okay in here?”

Diane Lewis stood in the doorway, appearing out of nowhere as she so often did, and Maya had to blink, worried she was hallucinating. She paused, trying to catch her breath.

“Everything is the opposite of okay,” she said, wondering how the psychologist always seemed to sense when she was at her worse.

Diane crossed her arms and nodded.

“My wife and I are dealing with custody issues. And this country is broken.” Maya tossed her boxing gloves and picked up a bottle of water she’d left on the bench.

“Wait, you and your wife are in a custody battle?”

“Yes. No…I mean, yes, but not with each other.”

“Ah. So, I take it the decision to adopt Jamie…”

Maya could not keep the frown from her face. Usually, Jamie’s name had the opposite effect.

“We did,” she said, “and everything was perfect. And then Jamie’s homophobic biological grandmother showed up and contested the adoption and now we might loser her. So, I’m trying to kill this punching bag and my wife is refusing to speak with me and this is exactly why I didn’t want any of this.”

“This being…a family?”

The word “yes” lodged itself in Maya’s throat. An old version of Maya Bishop would have screamed it at the top of her lungs. A version of her that could not fathom love, could not fathom the concept of home.

But Maya couldn’t bring herself to say it now. Because it would be a lie. A betrayal.

“If we lose Jamie…” Maya tried to finish her thought but emotion stole her ability to speak.

Diane sensed her pain and stepped further into the room.

“Where are you right now with the adoption?” She asked, calm and collected.

Maya cleared her throat. “We had three more months until the paperwork was supposed to be finalized. Twelve weeks.”

“And now that the grandmother is here?”

“They’re doing a full investigation of her background, just like us. But she gets supervised visits. Starting tomorrow.”

Diane nodded, narrowing her eyes. “And how is Carina dealing with everything?”

“She…um…not well.”

Maya shuffled her feet, the room suddenly feeling too small.

“I take it she’s at home with Jamie now?”

“She won’t sleep or eat. She won’t let me hold Jamie. She’s mad I came to work today, but I have to be here,” Maya said, worry and frustrating mixing together.

“Why do you have to be here?”

“The investigation. If I’m not here, it will look like I don’t take my job seriously.”

The half-smile appeared on Diane’s face and Maya knew she was about to have her brain rearranged. She braced for whatever was to come next.

“Dealing with a family emergency is not taking your job seriously?” Diane asked.

Maya shrugged. “Chief Ross is looking for any excuse to demote me again. Or fire me.”

“That didn’t answer my question. Warren has a family. Has he ever taken time off?”

“Yes, but…”

“You have a wife and a baby, Bishop. Sounds like a family to me.”

A family that could shatter any second. The family I never thought could be mine. The family I could lose.

“I don’t think Carina wants me home right now anyways,” Maya said.

“No?”

“She’s devastated. I’m not helping.”

Diane leaned against the doorframe, openly considering Maya. It was an unnerving feeling, one Maya deeply disliked.

“You mentioned once that Carina’s brother died?” Diane asked, thoughtful.

“Yes. A few years ago. He was murdered.”

“And her family? Does she have support here?”

Maya shook her head. “Her mother died when she was in her early twenties. And her father is in Italy. They don’t really talk that much.”

“That must be so difficult.”

“Her grandmother died of Covid. And a bunch of her uncles. It’s been really hard for her,” Maya said, her heart aching for her wife, her wife who seemed to always lose the people she loved most…

Shit

Shit shit shit

“I’m so stupid,” Maya whispered, smacking her forehead with one hand.

Diane raised her eyebrows. “Uh…I wouldn’t say…”

“Why do I always do this? Why do I always lose sight of my wife?”

“Is that rhetorical?” Diane tilted her head, waiting for Maya to answer.

When Maya found herself unable to speak, Diane stepped into the silence.

“Bishop, you’re not stupid,” Diane said, “and I think for the most part, you and your wife seem to be an incredibly solid couple. But when it comes to the big stuff? We always regress to what we know from childhood, our oldest coping mechanisms, regardless of whether or not they’re healthy.”

“So…I run to work and Carina shuts herself away and refuses any help from anyone.” Maya closed her eyes, exhaling.

“There’s no roadmap for this, Maya. No guide or instruction manual. All you can do is gather the tools you have and go from there.”

“The tools?”

“Why do you think Carina shuts herself away? Or refuses help?”

Maya scratched the back of her head. “Her mother left when she was sixteen and she had to take care of her father. It was way too much responsibility for anyone, let alone a teenager. There was no one to help her…or protect her…”

Nausea swirled as it always did when she thought of Carina’s adolescence. Maya felt guilty for her anger towards a mother-in-law she’d never met. But it was there. And likely always would be.

“And now?” Diane encouraged.

“And now she still feels like she needs to take on everything herself. She’s always taking care of everyone first, even when I tell her she doesn’t need to. That’s just the kind of person she is.”

Diane nodded, the half-smile indicating that Maya had clearly answered her question correctly.

“She’s shouldering this entire thing,” Maya said to herself, “and I’m here instead of showing her that she doesn’t have to.”

“You’re allowed to prioritize your family,” Diane said, “you’re allowed to rest. And to love. And it sounds like you need to do all three right now.”

Maya could only nod, her worry for Carina and her fear from Jamie making it difficult to do much else.

“It was good catching up, Bishop. But I think you know what you need to do.” Diane smiled and bowed her head lightly before walking out of the room.

It was such an abrupt exit that Maya followed her into the hall, only to find the space empty. She looked around, so focused that when Jack walked by a seconds later, she barely acknowledged him.

“Uh…Bishop?”

“Did you see Dr. Lewis just now?”

Jack frowned and shook his head. “Haven’t seen her since last month.”

“Huh.”

Maya decided not to press it just in case Diane Lewis was a real-life fairy godmother who’d just poofed out of existence.

Instead, she refocused, clarity helping her move forward.

“Is Andy in her office?” Maya asked, already turning towards the stairs.

“Yeah. Is everything okay?”

Maya paused and nodded firmly. “It will be.”

It had to be.

~*~

The apartment was still too quiet as Maya walked through the door. She set her bag down and took off her shoes, but there was no hesitation in her movements.

She didn’t call out for Carina, she knew exactly where to find her, and sure enough, Carina was still seated in the rocking chair, still wearing her clothes from the day before, still holding Jamie.

As Maya walked into the room, Carina looked up, her eyes widening in shock.

“Maya?”

Maya didn’t say a word. Instead, she crossed the room and took Jamie from Carina’s arms.

“Come with me,” Maya said, motioning with her head towards the door. Carina’s confusion was plain as day, but she followed Maya without another word.

Maya led Carina into their bedroom, where she paused to place Jamie in her bassinette. Before Carina could protest, Maya took her hand and gently pulled her towards the washroom. She set Jamie’s baby monitor on the counter and then leaned into the shower, turning on the tap, and when she was happy with the water temperature, she turned back to Carina, determined as ever.

“Maya what are you doing?” Carina asked.

She looked so unwell, so gaunt. Her cheekbones were like razors and even thought it had only been a few days, Maya thought Carina looked thinner, hollow somehow.

“I’m here,” Maya said, starting on the buttons of Carina’s shirt, “and I’m going to be here even if you don’t want me to be. But I’m not going anywhere, Carina. And neither is Jamie.”

“Maya…” Carina lightly pushed Maya’s hands away, but Maya wouldn’t let her.

“I know you’re scared. I’m scared too,” Maya continued, “so we’re going to be scared together.”

Watery eyes stared back at her, but Carina stopped moving and let Maya remove her shirt. They were silent as Maya worked. She reached behind Carina’s back and unhooked her bra. When it was on the floor, she unbuttoned Carina’s trousers and pushed them down her legs, along with her panties. The bathroom filled with steam and Maya took Carina’s hand, guiding her forward, hoping Carina would walk into the shower without argument.

Carina only hesitated for a moment before obeying Maya’s instructions. She stood under the spray, unmoving, which prompted Maya to get to work on her own clothes. When she was naked, she stepped into the small space, facing Carina, and then reached up with both hands, carefully tilting Carina’s head back, trying not to get water in Carina’s eyes.  

She watched the waves soak Carina’s hair, watching as Carina relaxed, watched as tears spilled down Carina’s cheeks.

“Maya?” She whispered again, almost to herself, and Maya realized her wife needed more from her.

She moved even closer, wrapping her arms around Carina’s middle, forcing their bodies together, locked in a painful embrace.

“You’re not alone,” Maya said, kissing Carina’s cheek, “I’m right here with you.”

Carina’s head was heavy against Maya’s shoulder, Maya could feel her chest shaking, she could feel sharp fingertips against her shoulder blades and winced. But Maya knew that Carina needed the close contact. She needed Maya just as much as Maya needed her.

The tears came in earnest then as Carina finally allowed herself to cry. Big, gulping sobs, that made Maya close her eyes and dig deep. She held on so tightly, tipping her head forward against Carina’s neck.

Carina sniffled, and Maya could tell by the heaviness of her body that she was exhausted.

“I’m going to help you wash your hair and then you’re taking a nap, okay?” Maya whispered, nuzzling against the side of Carina’s head.

She felt Carina tense in her arms.

“I don’t want to sleep,” she said.

“Babe, you’re so tired. Come on. Just an hour.”

When Carina shook her head, Maya leaned back, forcing Carina to look at her. She found her wife in tears again.

“Why not?” Maya kept her voice low and even. She wasn’t confronting Carina, she just wanted her to share her pain.

“Because I don’t want to miss any time with her,” Carina said, her voice breaking.

“You’re not. I promise, Carina. We’re going to get through tomorrow and it’s going to suck. But she’s going to come home and no one is taking her from us. No one.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I do. Because when has Carina DeLuca ever given up on the people she loves?”

Carina bit her lip, her chin quivering, but Maya could see her words take hold. She didn’t speak again, nor did she move any further away from Carina who kept her hands on Maya’s biceps, slipping them down to her chest, staying in close contact.

They were quiet as Maya started shampooing Carina’s hair. She scratched her fingers against Carina’s scalp, spreading suds through the long, thick strands, careful not to snag or pull. Carina closed her eyes, giving into the comfort of the touch as Maya made sure to press her thumbs near Carina’s temple, massaging her head as she worked, squeezing and rubbing until it was time to rinse the bubbles away.

Carina didn’t try to help, she stood, breathing in and out, her palms sliding along Maya’s collarbone, content to let Maya start on her conditioner. Maya felt enveloped in Carina, her familiar scent, the lines of her bones, her muscle. As she let the conditioner set, Maya started on Carina’s body, gently dragging a cloth along her arms, over her breasts, across her abdomen. She leaned down, careful not to fall as she lathered Carina’s thighs, her knees, between her legs. Under her guidance, Carina turned, just enough to let Maya access her back and shoulders.

She scrubbed and washed, paying close attention to Carina’s deep inhales and exhales. Carina was so obviously tired, even with her eyes closed, Maya could sense the exhaustion and stress radiating from every pore. Her wife had barely slept in four days. She’d barely eaten either and while Maya felt equally stressed and tired, doing something, actively doing anything was better than sitting around and wallowing.

Washing Carina’s body felt important. It felt like something she could do to help in a situation that was beyond help. And the body under her hands was sacred to her, it was beautiful. Even though Carina was pale, even though her hip bones looked sharper than usual, Maya understood the trust between them and how lucky she was to be the one to help Carina, to stand by her, to take care of her.

When they were finished, Maya wrapped a towel around Carina and another over her hair. She squeezed out the excess water before finding a towel of her own. Jamie was still asleep as they stepped back into the bedroom, so they moved quietly, Maya collecting a t-shirt for Carina while Carina stood still and allowed Maya to dress her.

“Just the shirt?” Maya asked, unsure if Carina would want to sleep in more. Sometimes when she was feeling especially vulnerable, she preferred her flannel pants and a hoodie.

Carina nodded her head.

There was still hesitation in Carina’s movements, still a clear resistance towards sleep, so Maya turned-down the duvet on their bed and reached out with one hand, inviting Carina to sit. She was relieved when her wife obeyed, despite her open discomfort.

Maya handed Carina her hairbrush and then stepped away to find her own clothes, pulling on a pair of boy shorts and a tanktop. When she turned back to the bed, she found Carina combing her hair while staring down at Jamie, her eyes dark and troubled.

“Okay, lie down, please,” Maya said, holding out her hand for the brush.

“Bambina…”

Maya circled the bed and crawled onto her side, which made Carina turn towards her too.

“Lie down,” Maya repeated, gently, her hands on Carina’s shoulders.

Carina final set down the brush on her bedside table and did as Maya instructed, snuggling underneath the blanket. She blinked heavily almost as soon as her head hit the pillow, but Maya could tell she was fighting her own exhaustion.

“Jamie is sleeping,” Maya whispered, “and you’re going to sleep too.”

Tear-filled eyes stared back. Carina looked so young, like a child spooked after a nightmare. Except the nightmare was real and Maya could only hold her hand while they both navigated the fear. Maya wrapped one arm around Carina, pulling her close until their foreheads touched.

She traced invisible patterns on Carina’s back, letting her hand drift to her ribs, down to her thighs and up again, under the t-shirt to tickle a sharp hip bone. Carina sighed just a little, just enough to let Maya know that she found the touch comforting.

“I can’t do it,” Carina whimpered, shaking her head against the pillow. Maya held in a sigh. Her wife was over-tired, maybe even dehydrated. Carina wasn’t thinking clearly and all of her past traumas were mixing with the present.

“No one is leaving, Carina. Jamie is going to be home for dinner tomorrow.”

“I lose everyone. I always lose everyone.”

Maya closed the space between them, needing Carina to feel her, to believe her.

“Not me,” she said, “and not Jamie.”

Carina surged forward, her lips wet with tears as she pressed her mouth to Maya’s. It was unexpected and Maya tensed before giving into Carina’s need. When Carina pulled back, she was still crying. Maya felt helpless.

“I’m so tired,” Carina finally confessed, “I want to sleep, but I can’t and…”

“What do you need? Do you want me to rub your back or…”

For the second time in under a minute, Carina surprised her. Maya felt Carina’s fingers under the blanket as they circled her wrist, encouraging her to move her hand. She guided Maya between her legs, holding her there.

“Are you sure?” Maya asked, cupping Carina as gently as she could.

Carina nodded, still so teary.

“I don’t feel safe, Bambina,” she said, her voice wavering.

Maya understood then. She understood Carina’s need, she understood the why and it made her feel overwhelmingly protective.

“Hold onto me,” Maya instructed, waiting for Carina to do as she said. Carina slipped one arm over Maya’s side, reaching up to press her hand against Maya’s shoulder blade. Her right leg slid over Maya’s hip, but it was Carina’s face pressed to Maya’s throat that made it feel like there was no space between them. They had to be quiet, but they were both aware too that this wasn’t about pleasure.

Not really.

It was about making Carina feel something other than sorrow and fear. Even if only temporarily. It was about letting Carina use Maya’s body as an anchor.

It was about helping her feel safe in a world that was unpredictable and violent and threatening to destroy their family.

As Maya moved her fingers to Carina’s clit, she closed her eyes, homing in on the way her wife moved, the sounds she made. Maya rubbed gently before stroking back, gathering silky moisture.

“Inside?” She whispered against Carina’s hair, pausing when Carina shook her head no.

Maya moved her fingers up again, circling Carina’s clit, overwhelmed as she so often was by how perfect Carina felt against her fingertips, perfect and warm and soft. It was a heady experience, and Maya had to bite her lip to stifle a moan.

How could anything be so perfect?

Carina rolled her hips, her breathing changed into short, sharp inhales and exhales, and Maya continued rubbing, pressing down just like Carina liked.

“You’re safe,” Maya whispered against the top of Carina’s head, “I have you. I always will.”

“Bambina…I…”

“Let go, Babe. I’m here.”

Maya emphasized her words by stroking Carina again, circling her entrance. Even though Carina didn’t want penetration, Maya knew how sensitive she was there, how wet. The softest whine sounded from Carina’s throat and Maya could tell she was close. Her clit felt swollen when Maya touched it again, the thought alone made Maya’s mouth water, but it was not the time for her own need or her own desire.

Carina’s hand circled Maya’s arm, squeezing her elbow, and she bucked under the covers, coming undone against Maya’s hand. She held in whatever cry was surly in her throat and Maya could feel her nuzzling her face into the pillow, below her chin, trying to ride out her orgasm. Maya helped her, guiding her, her fingers moving until Carina slumped further into the mattress, clearly finished.

Maya leaned back just enough to see Carina’s face, pleased to see her wife blinking heavily, satiated, and calmer than she’d been all day.

“Sleep now,” Maya said, kissing Carina’s lips before moving her hand. The loss of contact made Carina whimper, so Maya slid her hand back to Carina’s hip, resting it there, waiting to see if Carina would listen to her.

This time, Carina didn’t argue. She closed her eyes, the fading oxytocin and stress of the day finally enough to grant her rest.

Maya stayed very still until she was certain Carina was asleep and then rolled onto her back, carefully moving away from Carina’s body. She waited another minute before getting out of bed, part of her very much wanting to stay. But lying beside a sleeping Carina would give her time to think and Maya was desperate not to let her mind wander. Staying busy, taking care of Carina, watching Jamie – it was all so much better than facing the reality of the next day.

Because as much as Maya believed her words to Carina, as much as she was planning to fight, she knew that in a few hours, Nancy was going to take Jamie from them. Even if it was temporary, even if it was only for part of the day, it was too much. A minute without Jamie was too long. A second…

Maya pulled on a pair of sweatpants and quickly ducked into the bathroom, washing her hands and then getting to work picking up the discarded clothing on the floor. She folded it, placing some items into their laundry hamper and some back in the closet. There was tiding to do in the kitchen, so Maya tiptoed from the room, leaving the door open a crack in case Carina or Jamie called out.

She’d left her phone on the table and was surprised to find a pile of missed text messages.

Jack: Hey, heard about Jamie’s grandmother. You guys need anything?

Vic: We planning a heist?

Vic: Seriously – we could drive Jamie to Canada?

Vic: I probably shouldn’t have texted that

Vic: FBI man reading this I was joking

Warren: You’ll get through this, DeLuca-Bishops

Warren: Do you need food?

Andy: Take as long as you need

Gabriella: Tell your wife to pick up the phone

Amelia: Carina isn’t answering her phone, but just checking in

Amelia: I stole your number from Bailey

Amelia: Send nudes!

Amelia: Or not. Sorry.

Kathrine: Thinking of you, sweetheart

Maya blinked, trying to soak in the support. She didn’t have the energy to respond to everyone, but knowing that there were people wanting to help them? Who were thinking about them?

Knowing Station 19 had embraced Jamie just like they’d embraced Pru?

It helped. It broke through some of the pain.

But thinking about why the pain existed in the first place made Maya’s chest feel heavy, so she pushed the thought away and went back to her chores. First, she quickly placed an order for pho, hoping she could convince Carina to eat at some point in the evening. There were counters to clear and a dishwasher that needed emptying.

Maya methodically returned plates to their proper shelves and Carina’s cookware to its proper cupboard. She wiped down the table and cleaned ash from the fireplace. Time moved and Maya moved with it, her concentration absolute, only disrupted by the delivery man whose knocking pulled her from deep cleaning the oven.

As long as she was cleaning, she could avoid thinking. Avoid thinking about Dawn Ferguson, avoid thinking…

Jamie didn’t like strangers. Her eyes always searched for Maya or Carina, as if she was afraid that they’d disappear, that she’d be once more a lonely baby in the NICU without anyone to take care of her. She’d curl her hand into their sweaters and t-shirts, holding on, looking up with so much trust that Maya sometimes wondered if Carina was right – that Jamie remembered her rescue, her birth. She knew it was impossible, but she also knew that Jamie relaxed in her arms, that she’d try to burrow her tiny face in Carina’s shoulder, squirming to get closer and closer. And tomorrow…tomorrow Jamie was going to be with a stranger. A stranger who wanted to take her forever. And if she took her…would Jamie forget them? Would Jamie grow up in the sunshine, away from Seattle’s rain, never knowing about the beautiful doctor and the firefighter who lived and breathed for her? Would Jamie…

Maya didn’t realize she was crying until she felt Carina’s arms circle her from behind. She was pulled back against Carina’s body, Carina’s forearms pressing into her stomach.

“Sorry,” she mumbled, batting away her tears, but Carina shook her head, sliding her chin along Maya’s shoulder.

“Va bene, amore. Sono qui.”

She didn’t want Carina to think that she’d lied earlier, that she’d tried to minimize the situation. But she was also scared that she was about to lose her baby. And no matter how fierce Maya was, no matter how brave, the fear whispered in the background.

“She’s going to be home for dinner tomorrow,” Maya said to herself, covering Carina’s hands with her own where they hovered against her.

A cold nose brushed against her neck.

The words were of little comfort. But they had little else to hold onto.

And beggars can’t be choosers.