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Fate/Fisted

'If violence isn't solving all your problems, you simply aren't using enough of it.' Shitty day at work cause your boss wants you to do overtime? Punch him. Kids giving you problems? Punch 'em. Supernatural entities trying to fuck with you? Punch 'em. Demon Gods trying to destroy to humanity? Punch the ever-living shit out of 'em. Nicholas Martel is the sort of man who can and will solve any and all problems by beating the shit out of them. Young masters and even tsunderes beware, his hands are rated e for absolutely everyone.

Bleap · Anime & Comics
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85 Chs

Path to Salvation

Sitting in the central command room with her feet kicked up, Yu Mei-ren had had an epiphany.

You see, the way to save humanity wasn't tact and superb intellect.

It wasn't talent or potential.

Nor was it using the power of external forces like their former Director would have them believe.

No, the easiest way for man to solve his problems was bumrushing said problems with a bunch of his peeps and beating the ever living SHIT out of said problems.

Trauma?

What was that?

Fear?

That just meant you were a pussy!

Thought and strategy?

Nah, thinking was hella overrated.

The Chinese Immortal fixed her glasses and chortled to herself, flipping a page in her book with complete disregard for her surroundings.

Now, her thoughts might make one think that conclusion was hers but nay, it was not so.

For she had well and truly understood the mind of a Neanderthal.

A caveman, if you would.

The only problem was, it worked in most cases.

But she supposed if you didn't care for much more than enjoyment, your 'code' and smacking people you didn't like, it was essentially the optimal way of life.

And while it was a way of life thinkers would be envious of, it was one she could, regretfully, never adopt.

It would require a lack of brainpower she just didn't have.

Yu chortled to herself again, "This is fun."

It'd been way too long since she'd had someone she could call a friend and poke fun at.

And no, she wasn't worried for him. He could beat everyone in the singularity with his hands tied behind his back.

"What is? Seeing her like this? Well, it is kinda amusing." Romani replied with a small smile, stealing glances at Olga who was pacing around the room with her hands behind her back, having quickly settled into her homunculus body, "But don't you think her worry is understandable?"

"They're in a warzone! Teenagers that barely had any training for it, with enough servants in there to dismantle nations!" The woman in question shouted back indignantly, stopping and looking at them with annoyed eyes, "...Nicholas' mind isn't invulnerable either."

"Director, he managed to convince the literal big bad that may as well have caused the whole singularity to help them out from what Gudako told us. I don't think we have much reason to worry with the… er, well, we might as well call this singularity finished."

"Imagine what must be going through their minds witnessing that horror!"

"...If I had to make a guess... I'd say, not much." Yu replied flatly, "Guy barely let the death of Chaldea's staff faze him."

Olga crossed her arms and narrowed her eyes, "If you think that, then you know nothing."

"Pft-...Hey Romani, is my name Jon Snow?" Yu glanced at the title of the book in her hands.

"No?"

"Thought so." The Chinese Immortal nodded and continued after letting out a small sigh, mostly unfazed by the words of people who may as well be toddlers compared to her no matter how much they annoyed her, "What I'm saying is, the guy's a retard but he'll be fine. He's come back from worse."

"H-He's not stupid!"

"..." Yu only paused.

She knew about the favorability and preferential treatment her friend received from the Director but holy shit, she didn't think it'd be at the level where the woman was straight up delusional.

"Uh-huh."

Fortunately, she had the perfect way to solve the misunderstanding now that their field team was together and you know, not scattered all over the country cause they were stupi-...er, gifted.

The Chinese Immortal sauntered over to comms and leaned down to address the topic of their conversation, "Hey Nicholas."

"...Oh hey, sup Y-...Hinako. How's it going?"

"What's heav-"

"Down bitch fore I smack you like your daddy never did. Ain't no hoe getting within two feet of me!"

"..." Yu stared back at her audience with pursed lips, "Who might that be?"

"She says her name Carmilla but I think it's like one of those backalley codenames cause she wearing nuthin and keeps tryna suck my blood. Anyway, sup?"

The immortal flatly gestured to the source of the audio before sighing and continuing, "Right, what's heavier... A kilogram of steel or a kilogram of rubber?"

"Steel course."

Yu pursed her lips and flatly gestured to comms again, "How? ...It's a kilogram of both."

"...But it's steel." There was genuine confusion in his voice, "I went to college I'll have you know."

"Yeah, it's showing." Yu praised sarcastically, "There's a kilogram of both."

"But steel is heavier than rubber?"

"Truly, a once in a millennium genius ladies and gentlemen... Thanks for taking the time, Nicholas. Go back to beating that woman."

Wait... that sounded wrong.

"...Sure. Sorry you didn't get your chance to shine."

Yu got the faintest feeling he was fucking with her but shrugged it off, couldn't be.

She turned around again to see an Olga so shocked, she was covering her mouth with both her hands and a Romani who was looking to the side, trying to but failing miserably at hiding his snickering.

"See? He's retarded but he's about the most genuine guy you could find and fortunately, a retard for a saviour is just about what humanity needs right now." Yu allowed herself to smile, something that didn't happen often, take her word for it.

Her 'assumptions' were shattered when a woman with short dark hair, one of the remaining staff members, spoke up from her table, "You know, we confirmed that he was about to graduate from college."

"..." Romani averted his gaze in a way that totally didn't mean he knew something they didn't.

"...He wrote a thesis on why a punch to the face could solve most of humanity's problems and I read the paper... He makes a compelling argument. I tried punching my ex and it worked, felt waaay better." The woman continued, slightly giggling, "Except that part where he talks about how they should've just punched Hitler in the face... The logistics aren't there for that one."

Yu facepalmed so hard she was pretty sure it'd leave a mark.

He wasn't just retarded, he was fucking contagious.

Romani interrupted before the conversation could continue, "Young Hinako, did the thought that he might be messing with you cross your mind?"

"..."

Bringing her hand to her chin, Olga narrowed her eyes, "The logistics of your claim don't make sense either. How could he, persuade the enemy commander to turn to our side, have his servants field an army, AND gather more servants than the enemy somehow but be that stupid? Not to mention the dragons he tamed."

"..."

Yu realised her mistake.

She forgot one crucial aspect of their relationship.

Nicholas loved messing with her by appearing dumber than he was and embarrassing her... like he'd done just now, in front of all (remaining) staff members...

"Am I the retarded one?"

If Mash had been there, she could easily solve the situation for she knew the true answer.

"Senpai is extremely proficient when it comes to interpersonal relationships... but he finds thinking to be annoying and doesn't... He's not dumb just...er... special in his own way?"

Fortunately for them, she was.

"No, I think he might just be a goof." Romani chortled and returned to his desk, "But Director, his lax attitude even now suggests the situation is under control. Why not prepare to welcome and congratulate them instead of worrying?"

The poor doctor didn't know what was coming for them when the Singularity was finished because of the obvious communication gap between the on-site team and the command room.

-

Carmilla was noble, she was a ruler, her word was law and to fulfil her desires was her right.

That had never and would never change, even in this distant time so far away from her own.

She wasn't wrong, she had done nothing wrong.

Commoners and lessers should have been glad to die for her beauty, it gave their worthless lives purpose.

Or maybe that was the Madness Enhancement talking.

"You kn-...mmph!"

She really couldn't know, mostly because a random pale haired teenager had run into her when she was fighting a British Knight and firmly planted both his feet on her face, knocking her into a wall.

Right now, she could barely put together coherent thoughts, much less argue the philosophy of her end and the causes for it.

"H-How dare you?!" She felt the mask covering her upper face shatter away, revealing her features to the world, "Kneel, you peasant."

"I ain't kneeling to no back alley dweller." The teenager replied savagely, putting up both his hands, "Square up, fool. Ain't nobody walking away after touching my kid."

"...The knight is your child?" She asked confusedly and put a hand on her forehead, trying to stop her rattling brain, "Admirable to fight for her but stupid, you should have used the chance to run away instead of foolishly coming out here."

Though she said that, the situation wasn't looking good.

The stupid Dragon Witch was off making merry with her 'husband' while Gilles was locked up in his room, ranting about how he'd torture the man while many of the wyverns that were under them turned against them, culling their numbers.

Then there was that damned English King leading a charge out of nowhere and beating back all of them to Orleans!

"Why the hell are we even here at this point?!" She shouted out her frustration, clenching her fists as the chains on her form groaned and clanked, "Screw this, I'm done."

This was probably the Madness Enhancement but you know what? She didn't give a shit.

"Pussy."

The Blood Countess growled at her foe, baring her fangs, "Who are you to tell me I am in the wrong?"

"...Bitch, fuck is you talking about?" The teenager tilted his head confused, "Why does everyone I meet have issues? Like, chill bruh. It's not that deep."

"DAMN YOU! IT IS THAT DEEP!"

"..." The teenager deadpanned at the grown ass woman, "Just don't think about it all that much, problem solved."

"Ayo Master, I don't think she even gets what you're saying." Her earlier opponent pointed out, leaning against her sword with an amused grin, "But do it again… No wait, lemme try it."

One would think there wasn't a fucking war going on around them.

-

Hope you enjoyed the chapter.