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Fate/Fisted

'If violence isn't solving all your problems, you simply aren't using enough of it.' Shitty day at work cause your boss wants you to do overtime? Punch him. Kids giving you problems? Punch 'em. Supernatural entities trying to fuck with you? Punch 'em. Demon Gods trying to destroy to humanity? Punch the ever-living shit out of 'em. Nicholas Martel is the sort of man who can and will solve any and all problems by beating the shit out of them. Young masters and even tsunderes beware, his hands are rated e for absolutely everyone.

Bleap · Anime & Comics
Not enough ratings
89 Chs

Kick the Ball

People were like, Nicholas, Nicholas, if you care about them, why would you let them fight?

That was cause cat fights were peak.

Then they asked, what if it goes too far?

It wouldn't and besides, a good fight every once in a while was good for the health. It kept folks grounded and/or confident.

Besides, what kinda 'fight' would a fight be if you didn't bash each other's faces in?

That was why Nicholas sat cross-legged and counted his cards as Jeanne Alter and Artoria absolutely WRECKED each other's shit, destroying everything around them and each other's self-esteem with words like,

"Hahaaha... Imagine being a midget that people think is a twink. Go get railed by your horse or something cause ain't nobody else willing to."

"Imagine being a seething bitch that wants to burn folk cause boohoohoo they 'abandoned' her. Go cry to that pedophile rapist that birthed you, bitch."

"Senpai... who even taught them those words?" Mash asked apprehensively, placing her hand on her cheek, "Both are prone to insulting but... I don't think their respective eras even had them."

Nicholas glanced at the girl sitting beside him and shrugged like he didn't know that those words were taken exclusively from his dictionary, "They musta picked them up somewhere, hell if I know."

"Esteemed foe..." Someone else spoke out before they could talk more, "I find your tact and knowledge commendable, to turn our own commander against us while setting up an offensive by using the stragglers but why... Why are we playing cards?"

"What's wrong with playing cards?" Nicholas shot a glare at the azure dragon trying to sneak a peek at his deck, "We cool but that don't mean you can disturb the sanctity of the game."

The dragon coiled around them paused for a moment, "I-I apologise."

Now one might ask, how were they sitting in the middle of a battlefield and playing cards?

That someone could go fuck themselves cause dragon.

Nobody wanted to get burnt to death for interrupting what they thought was a resting dragon.

"Yes, I understand that there is nothing wrong bu-"

"Can it, you fossil. Say it how it is, why must we play cards with you? We are mortal enemies, standing in the way between you and humanity's preservation." Carmilla interrupted Vlad, visibly annoyed with how she had to sit on the ground, "Or do you not want to save humanity?"

Nicholas eyeballed both 'vampires', "I thought it'd be cool to talk to vampires."

As he'd come to learn, both 'vampires' hated being called vampires. They winced at his words and Carmilla glared at him, "Stop calling me that. I am no blood sucking beast."

"Bitch, you killed girls and went skinny dipping in their blood thinking it'd keep you young." Nicholas pointed at the older woman, making her flinch, "When they got yo ass for it, you said it wasn't yo fault cause nobody told your dumbass it wasn't right to do that. So shut up and sit down, you a vampire."

The servant flinched again, a slight tint crossing her pale features, "...D-Damn you."

"You a cool cat though... at least that's what Mash tells me." He gave a small nod to Vlad the Impaler.

From what he'd learnt here, this Vlad was a ruler loved by his people, cruel but effective and definitely caring for the common masses.

The guy he remembered skinned, boiled, decapitated, blinded, strangled, hanged, burned, roasted, hacked, nailed, buried alive, stabbed, impaling nearly 20,000 women, men and children so Nicholas would definitely punt that guy harder than he punted this guy when he wanted to fight.

"Uh-huh... I will take that as a form of praise." Vlad withdrew a card from the pile, "But well, it is true that I too did not wish to fight you... And I must also express my gratitude, your work with Jeanne D'Arc has made Gilles de Rais a man obsessed with vengeance but it has also distracted him and loosened his hold over us."

"Yeah, I figured. Nobody wants to work for a child rapist." Nicholas chortled, those guys got shanked even in prison, "That said, Martha and the others are taking way too long."

It was an easy million bucks for him but it was kinda worrying, what if he tried to do something to Martha?

"He isn't strong but he is boosted by a Grail." Carmilla explained calmly, placing down a card, "I daresay you should be worried for what he might cook up in his madness."

"Take that, bitch!"

A tide of flames swept across the background, searing flesh and melting concrete to create a lifeless wasteland.

"Not enough."

A beam of dark concentrated energy descended from the sky to meet it, cutting a path through the flames.

"They're really going at it huh?" Nicholas whistled, staring at the battle with amused eyes, "I think this might not be a normal catfight anymore."

"...I think it went above that when they started levelling districts." Mash answered with hollow eyes, "Senpai... I think you should intervene now before they start thinking Miss Artoria is some kind of Deity." She gestured to the masses cheering the Saber on like they weren't standing audience to two nukes.

"Yeah, any more and I think Olga'll start docking my pay for collateral damages." Nicholas answered flatly.

It totally wasn't because he was worried that they'd hurt each other a little too much.

Unfortunately, he didn't get the chance to act on his words because fate decided to answer their earlier worries.

A pitch black ball came shooting out of the main castle like a meteor, followed by a very familiar six legged dragon curled up into a ball that a certain Saint had the habit of punting with her staff and calling the action a noble phantasm.

So, Nicholas, like any sane man, did the sanest thing that came to mind.

He appeared near the black ball and kicked it, shooting it back with a supersonic boom.

"That was one ugly squelch... What did she even throw?"

And so, as Master and Servant brought together by lack of brainpower and absurd levels of physical power... they pulled off a feat only those 'gifted' like them could pull off.

The 'black ball' was kicked back at him without him needing to even say or think it.

As if it was simply the right thing to do.

"...How does she know me so well?"

It brought a tear to Nicholas' eye.

"...Oh my god, senpai's skill is simply absurd." With no one to correct her misconceptions, Mash attributed this to the shared bond between Martha and Nicholas and well... it was the truth... but there was also that neither Master nor Servant usually thought beyond hitting their problems.

And thus, started a game of kick the ball that totally wasn't Gilles de Rais.

"How were we expected to win here?" Carmilla asked flatly, "Even the Dragon Witch is on his side..."

"We lost the moment our commander was lost." Vlad answered her in her own tone, "There was nothing we could actually do."

...

..

.

It stopped when after over a dozen exchanges, the 'ball' veered off course and hit the ground to become an ugly smudge of rotten blood covered by dark robes, "U...Ughh, J-Jean-ne..."

Romani's voice rang out over comms, "Congratulations on neutralising the source, Nicholas. Retrieve the Grail and we'll pull you back."

"Congratulations, senpai."

"Wait...What?"

"Like I said, congratulations on neutralising the holder of the Grail. Retrieve it and we can pull you back."

"...That was the kiddie diddler? No wonder the fuck was so durable."

"...Did you not kn-...mmph! Director! You need to stop feeding his jo-mmpph! No! Get that tape away from me! If we don't scold him about these jokes, he's never going to gro-...mmph!"

"What the hell's happening back there?" Nicholas scratched the back of his head, landing near the broken mess on the ground, "Anyway, good riddance."

He didn't feel bad about what he did in the slightest.

-

Hope you enjoyed the chapter.