Bananas

(A/N: Merry Orthodox Christmas, for my, like, two Orthodox Christian readers. I'm sorry that this present isn't the best chapter in existence, but at least you're getting one, right? No other Christians can say the same (mostly because I forgot to post on the 25th).

Silver lining.)

Ignoring Priska's writhing on the ground - and now dry heaving, after having emptied the nasty contents of her stomach - I hoped Joseph would do the same. Unfortunately, in his words, "What's the point of analyzing the fight when one of the participants is barely conscious?"

So, we waited, and Joseph - who, now that I think about it, seems to have ADHD or some sort of similar condition which causes attention span deficiency - tried to speed the process along.

"Come on, little thing," he said, rubbing the demoness' back as a parent would a sick child. "Are you alright?"

She smacked his hand away and fell on her back in the process, where she stayed for around five seconds, panting. Afterwards, spitting out whatever remained in her mouth to the side, she stood up on trembling legs, clutching her stomach, and glared at us.

"Get your f-filthy paws off m-"

Apparently, basic speech was too taxing a task, and so she doubled over and began retching.

"I'll take that as a yes, little thing." He stood up. "I don't have much to say, to be honest. That was less so a comprehensive battle test and more so a way to show you both your weaknesses. You," he looked at me, "don't really have any ways to attack besides your Sacred Gear. Which is fine, kind of - it's just that, objectively, disgusting one-trick pony Sacred Gear bootlicks are worthless. Objectively, of course."

Leonidas interrupted, "A Longinus user who doesn't know anything other than their Gear could come here, right now, and butcher us all."

"Is he a Longinus user?"

"...Technically, no, but the ability is pretty strong."

Joseph literally waved him off and stomped his foot… slightly cracking the ground beneath him. "A proper fighter needs variety. Just like a fruit salad. You wouldn't want a fruit salad with nothing but tomatoes - then it'd be a tomato salad."

Leonidas shrugged, most likely keeping himself from talking back for the sake of time - and perhaps his cholesterol levels.

Joseph scratched his stubble and glanced at me. "Anyway, Ioann, I'm not sure whether or not you'll be regularly allowed to suck the Holiness out of everything you see, so I wouldn't put all my eggs in one basket."

Honestly? Fair. My Gear has 'Heretical' in the name for a reason - can't expect people to immediately be fine with practicing alleged 'heresy'.

It's impossible for what I do to be heretical, but they don't know that yet.

"What are the other options, then?"

"What were the results of your Magical Affinity test?"

Leonidas stepped in for me. "Cael said he had 'above average reserves, plenty of potential to be a Magician'. Magic wouldn't be a bad option."

Joseph winced. "Oof. You had Cael as your examiner? That's rough. Considering how poor Alessandro got eternally screwed, I wouldn't say he was too happy with you."

They both deserved it. The Lord wouldn't have orchestrated such events otherwise.

"Tell that to the heathen himself. Now, what about Magic?" I asked.

Joseph snorted at my remark but continued nonetheless. "Above average reserves is actually pretty good. Most people - and by most, I mean, like, nearly ninety-nine percent - are at average or below. Basically, you could say that they're the scum of the earth when it comes to Magical talent. Did Leonidas here tell you about the debate on Magic's validity?"

I nodded.

"Yeah, I'd recommend you go to a 'discussion'," he enunciated, making quotation marks with his fingers, "about it. Although, I don't think I'd be welcome. Anderson doesn't like my attitude, apparently."

Leonidas snorted. "You called him a brainless crock. What did you expect?"

"You know, as much as I use them myself, I don't like when others do rhetorical questions. Anyway, Ioann, go to one of the debates sometime. If you don't want to become a Magician afterward… I don't know. Maybe try learning to use Light Swords."

"Light Swords?"

Dropping his arms to the side, Joseph stopped scratching his chin and stared at me. "Please don't make me waste my breath. Anyway, I wouldn't recommend it, because you haven't grown up studying under a millennia-old training regimen to properly utilize them - you'll just end up a worthless grunt if you do. Leonidas, explain. I need to drink some water."

There's no water here though.

Never mind. He brought a canteen out of his robes and started chugging it down.

Leonidas sighed and began to explain. "Usually, the only postpubescents recruited have Sacred Gears or something else of note. However, during wartime or similar times when the Church needs manpower, they might recruit adults without any of those - no lifelong training, no special features. They have literally nothing of value and end up having to use Light Swords without that lifelong training - they're what we call 'cannon fodder'. Of course, you have a Sacred Gear, but still, you'd be about as effective against the supernatural with a Light Sword as they are."

"The training can't do that much, no?"

Joseph chuckled at that, having finished his water break.

"To give you a demonstration of what that instruction lets you do," he crouched down, "here."

He jumped up a few meters in the air and, when landing, struck his legs down on the concrete beneath us, cracking it.

How much force was that? It looks like an artillery shell just landed.

Well, not really, never mind. An artillery shell would've made an actual explosion and hole.

Maybe. Not like I would know. I'm no spetsnaz, [1] although now I wish I was trained to be one - my unique physiology probably would've made me a beast. Not the sinful ones of Revelations, of course, I mean figuratively.

But, beyond mortal spetsnaz training, with my altered physiology, what would've happened if I grew up under church instruction?

Something to think about, I suppose.

"And I'm not that strong compared to people like Leonidas. Maybe. I don't know - although, I'd be more than willing to engage in a contest of strength with him. What do you say?" he elbowed Leonidas.

Leonidas didn't even need to speak to express his denial.

"Wait," the fourth wheel said, having regained enough of her composure to feel confident when speaking, "does he not focus on speed?"

To answer, Leonidas pulled out a sword.

"I've already introduced my Excalibur to you all. This allows me to move at the speeds I do. But there are side effects. To illustrate my point," he picked up my unused, low-quality sword from the ground, "this is me. Figuratively, of course. These are the speeds I'm biologically intended to move and hit at."

He smacked the sword against the ground at a slow speed, not even chipping it.

"These are the speeds I impact with using Excalibur Fulmination."

He smacked it against the ground so quickly that I couldn't even see his arm move until the steel had already shattered, its pieces flying everywhere across the stone platform.

Apparently, some had flown towards us as well, but he held those in his hand. He caught them?

Interesting.

"Of course, the sword provides some protection in the form of a slight energy coating around my body, but those don't work very well for high-speed impact, mostly for high-speed movement. A strong body is a must."

"Was that really necessary?" Joseph asked, arms crossed. "You could've just said you need a strong body to withstand the speeds you move at. This took up too much time and is too off-track."

"It was barely a minute," Leonidas retorted.

"I don't care."

"Get on with it already. It was a few dozen seconds of attention being taken off of you."

"Two minutes that I could've used to summarize little thing's performance in the spar and then sent them packing," Joseph murmured, tapping his foot against the ground.

"Stop calling me 'little thing', you bastard," Priska intruded.

Why are all three participating in this now?

"Little thing, you're too small - I mean, weak to talk back to the almighty master," he snickered.

"And who is this 'almighty master'? Surely not you."

Leonidas looked at my confused expression and shrugged, exiting the conversation and sheathing his blade.

I suppose we have a similar outlook on some things. I personally prefer not to get involved in such tomfoolery.

"You know what 'almighty' means? It means I can do whatever I want with no one stopping me. So, to you, I am almighty."

"Why don't you test that theory?"

"Are you sure about that? Your dignity has already suffered enough today."

"...Calling yourself almighty is surely blasphemous."

She's avoiding the topic of her challenge now, switching to the tactic of implying blasphemy - a warning for him to stop, otherwise she'll… I don't know, to be honest. Slander his reputation? Snitch on him?

Not a very solid strategy.

"Only almighty to people like you," he corrected, "not above God, little thing. Do I look so beautiful that you mistook me for Lucifer? That's flattering."

She scoffed, trying to follow in Leonidas' steps - in other words, leave the exchange and let Joseph independently spout his nonsense.

Fortunately - or, I suppose, unfortunately for her, although it doesn't matter because she's barely human - he didn't allow that to happen.

"Wanted me to prove that I'm almighty? Gladly."

And how will he do that? I presume not promiscuously. Private affairs are private affairs, not something to publicly enact.

…Never mind. My prediction was exaggeratedly sinister compared to what happened in reality.

Even after the seemingly amphetamine-fueled actions I'd previously witnessed from him, I didn't expect that he'd pick her up, put her on his shoulders in a piggyback ride, and run off.

"Leonidas, do the rest of the summary for the winner! I'll take care of the loser over here!"

"NO YOU ARE NOT!" Priska screeched, trying to wrestle herself out of his iron grip. "HAND ME MY SWORD! I'LL EXECUTE THIS WRETCH!"

Her voice is grating, like nails on a chalkboard. Aren't women supposed to sound pleasing to the ears?

"Chivalry is dead, you know!" Joseph cackled, running off into the distance, although I could still hear and see their deranged interaction if I wanted to.

Which I don't.

I get why Alessandro said to 'keep an open mind' so long ago. It's because everyone in this place is an abominable freak.

Leonidas sighed and, holding his sheathed sword by the hilt, suddenly made it disappear.

I didn't even react to the anomaly in the laws of reality that he displayed.

"Any questions before I begin the recap?"

Oh, yes. There is something I've been quite displeased about.

"How come I couldn't use my sword at the end, yet she got to fling around attacks that could've bisected me?" I questioned, waving towards the various cracks and depressions in the concrete.

"Because we thought that she would miss. It's all that we can do," he shrugged. "I would've intervened if you were about to get split in two, of course, and the spar would've been called off if she used her Sacred Gear - which she can't call on command yet - so you were perfectly safe."

"What do you mean, 'it's all that we can do'? There's ample opportunity to put in safety measures, or at least bring a healer."

"It's not viable to tie up a healer for every casual spar, and no, there isn't much room for safety measures while keeping it a proper spar. To be honest, you two are unlikely to spar much in the future because your abilities are so lethal."

All he needed to do was gesture towards the various cracks and cuts Priska's attacks left to prove his point.

"The girl's Sacred Gear used with some random, rusty steel blade would kill you if she got close, not to mention a Holy Sword, and your Gear is… well, a lot of things. We can't use it in the Vatican or in sub-dimensions because of the Holy Energy, and even if we could, Holy Energy isn't a resource you can burn through so casually for something like a spar - there'll probably be limits placed on how much you can have in the future. Also, obviously, it's extremely lethal when used well."

Hm. All fair points, but I'd like him to shed light on a few things.

"Why would I have a limit set on my Holy Energy reserves?"

"I mean, you can't just beg an Angel for Holy Energy every few days. Assuming that your ability strictly works by absorbing raw Holy Energy - we haven't actually tested it yet - but I just have a gut feeling there'll be a restriction."

I'm willing to trust that for now. It's an inconvenience and waste, of course, but it'll most likely be alleviated after I prove myself.

Leonidas somehow cracked his knuckles through his armored gauntlet and continued speaking.

"Joseph expects me to analyze Priska's performance in the spar now, but I don't think it's necessary, as I assume that someone of your esteemed intellect could see it all," he said, putting a focus on the word 'esteemed'.

It seems he's more sane than I thought. He has common sense!

I can't say the same for the other madmen - and women - I've met so far here.

"I appreciate it, but when did I express my genius to you?"

"You didn't. It was sarcasm."

Oh.

"Anyway, wait here a second. I'm bringing back Joseph."

He disappeared a moment after, reappearing near Joseph and the witch - who has, hilariously, been so affectionately dubbed 'little thing' - a second later.

That's not important, however. What's important is me.

I think I should be worried for my mental health. I was fully prepared for and expected the blast of wind that hit me.

Perhaps I should consider it a good thing, like proof of my adaptability, rather than a sign of my mind being slowly corrupted.

Looking over at the group nearby, all I saw was Joseph throwing Priska at Leonidas, who promptly caught her, before beginning to run back here.

At a speed faster than any car I'd seen.

Although, Leonidas still got here before Joseph did, although his speed was mild compared to what I'd seen - or, I guess, hadn't seen - him run at.

Priska's nausea was savored in my mind as well.

Wait. How does he run at such speeds without having the sword in his hand? Is it a granted ability onto his person?

I'll have to ask later. For now, I must listen to Joseph's schizophrenic ramblings.

"Anyway, now that I've had my fun, we'll decide on your training regimens. You," Joseph pointed at Priska, who was lying on the ground and panting, "need swordsmanship lessons, heavy physical - mostly endurance - training, and obviously some basic tutoring on your Sacred Gear. Agreed?"

All Priska did was cough out a glob of saliva.

How disgusting.

"Agreed. You," he turned to me, "need to figure out what you want to do. From what I can see, your endurance and strength and all that is fine, maybe because of your Gear, so no need for much on that front, but other than that? You don't have anything. Study up on Magic, Light Swords, whatever - wield a Demonic Sword for all I care, just get something to go along with your Sacred Gear."

Demonic Sword? Sounds like something dirty infidels would use.

I am no infidel. It's demeaning that the Papacy even possesses such obscene violations of this world's natural order - I'm assuming, at least. He didn't specify. Perhaps I have to get them from another source.

Either way, that's a no, and I'm not sure about Magic quite yet.

"Why exactly do I need something else?" I asked.

"Because of the reasons I've already said, nimwit. Your Gear's 'ammunition', so to speak, might be scarcely provided, and if it's not, you can still easily run out - plus, we don't have much of a way to train it as of now. We'd need to go out of the Vatican to do that."

Leonidas interrupted, "It wouldn't be too hard to do so, though."

"True. But it doesn't support my point, so I'll ignore it."

Why is he shooting finger guns because of that?

"Anyway, in the meantime, you'll explore your options and decide on something. After all the basic stuff is taken care of," he looked at both of us, "I don't think I'll be your trainer anymore. You'll move onto greener pastures, boo hoo and all that. There, you'll explore the possibilities of your powers, learn some required information about the enemy, study up on some strategies, and just generally improve what you have."

He scratched his head, apparently having exited his 'serious' mode.

"Sound bananas?"

"Ba… nanas?" Priska questioned from the floor, still queasy.

"Bananas are good. So, does all that sound good?"

"Apples are better," I replied, getting a dirty look from him, "but yes. It 'sounds bananas'."

"Glad to see we all agree on the fact that bananas are the best," Joseph said, walking back to where we came from. "Where's our house again?"

'Our' house?

Leonidas sighed. "Come on. To the castle we go… Joseph will be temporarily staying with us, as he's your trainer."

Oh.

My only response was to shrug, while Priska shivered.

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[1] Spetsnaz are Soviet special forces. I'm pretty sure some post-Soviet countries (AKA countries that used to be in the USSR) still use it for the name of their special forces.

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Anyone like Joseph? I liked writing him, except for when he does exposition - I have to put him in 'serious mode' then. But other than that.

Maybe the next chapter will be the first day of the training regimen, then after that is the Magic debate thing, and then after that is… I don't know. Either way, they should be better than this literal recap. I kinda forget what's in it in the first place.

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