CHAPTER FOURTEEN

"I'm not in the Position to Cut Your Wings Just to Make You Stay"

Indeed, time for self-reflection was over. It's about time to face the reality again. I did.

I went to the hospital just to see Nana Gregoria. Along the corridor, I can see several people dying- not on their death bed but on the cold stone floor. This really stings. The whole system of human race. For in a world where a pyramid dwells, those in power remains in power- struggling to outplay competitors just to stay on the top, while below the poverty threshold, dwells several souls, on which, with their pathetic state, faces the brutality of hunger and struggling to survive even for a cent. They too, are human beings, not mere animals. Yet, without a penny, they are lying here- waiting for their death. I can't understand that logic. For we deserve to stay, to live in this speck of rock and water and air we called Earth. We have to share our resources fair and square. That's godly, I guess. Now, I'm just another Juliana. This is not me!

Now, I finally understand why I don't like it to be a doctor. I am afraid that I couldn't save lives. I will never be able to deal with the guilt. Because, if I fail, I will just be another criminal hiding behind my white suit, pretending to be the perfect one. Pretending. I begin to hate the word. Hypocrisy is just a thing that I can't forgive. Ever.

I go to Nana Gregoria's room, only to find Juliana there. The perfect grandma and granddaughter relationship.

By that, Nana Gregoria spotted me. She just smiles and whispers something to Juliana. Juliana looks at me wearing her blank stare.

"Nana, can I borrow her for a moment?"

"Oh-sure, lover boy," she smiles and winks at me, and then waves us away.

"How is she?" I asked as we are now outside the room.

"Better than yesterday."

"What is her real condition?"

She gives me a query look. "Proving to be a doctor now?"

"Just- I'm just worried."

"Tumor in the pancreas. She spits every single food she takes in. Now, she's just eating with a vacuum and only liquid foods are aloud."

"I'm sorry," I said as I can see now the pain in her eyes.

"This is life Nathan. Sooner later, we'll all be facing death, but that doesn't exempt us from facing God. Temporary death or eternal death? That's our choice." Then she looks at me straight in the eye. "You don't have to listen on my sentiments if you don't want to."

"No, its fine," I insist.

"Well, sooner, her battle will be over, and I'll probably be thanking God for making her stay with me for this long, by the time."

I hesitate at first, but I decided to hug her. She needs comfort, and I want to tell her that I will be here.

"Juliana, I still have one thing to tell you. I-"

With that, she freed herself from my embrace. "About Ryan."

"What about him?"

"He went here the other day and he told me everything.

I just turn away my gaze from her.

"Nat," she said as she tightens her grip on my arm. "Don't be too hard for him. He struggles so hard to find his purpose."

"Who says I'm not proud of him?"

By that, Juliana taps me on the shoulder. "You mature a lot Mr. Villarta."

"I am," I said but it only came out as a whisper.

"Juliana?"

"Huh?"

"What if, we get married?" then I look at her straight in the eye.

She crosses her arms then she sighs.

"Nathan, everyone gets tired."

"I know," I cut off.

"No, please, listen to me," she said as she holds my hand. "In fact, world can be too tiring. Most especially when you lost your reasons to continue or when the world becomes an endless problem solving and it is already burdensome to figure out for a solution in order to survive a very single day. It is also a struggle to deal with different faces of people. In fact, we are worrying of so many things yet nothing at all. Problems are only in the mind of people, because we are only thinking that they exist because we are in denial that we commit something wrong and ego holds us back, because we are self-centered and we lack self-control, because when we figured out that what we've done must really be a bad sin, we thought that we are screwed up, because we don't trust people, and that mere fact means judging them. Now tell me, why do you think that I can't understand you? Because, I can't comprehend what went so wrong between you and me. A moment ago, we are happy, and then moments later, you question me for being me. When you left, I always hold on to my old friend. But now, I don't know you. Who are you? I always focus on good things not knowing what's on the other side of you. You know that I don't want to have any reason to hate the Lord, so why doing this to me? It doesn't make me feel better. Now, if setting you free will straightens things, I am not afraid to do it, 'coz I don't want you to hate me for making you someone that I adore most dear."

Saying those, a single tear fell from her eye, but she immediately wipes it away.

I reach for her face. "Juliana," I said.

"I'm sorry. If by chance, I hurt you, I'm sorry, for crying too."

"No, don't be afraid to cry. It's not a sign of weakness, but rather a sign of self-control. Knows what, I have a personal epiphany this morning."

"What is?" she asks.

"Christ can reveal to us Himself at any time and in an infinite number of ways. Whether they're little moments of grace or life changing encounter, each and every one is an epiphany- in a fullest sense of word. Quote and unquote, Edward Grinnan," I said.

By that, Juliana bursts into laughter, and I did too.

"You don't have to marry me, for now. I trust you. I always do. I- it's just I'm leaving for good."

She looks at me straight in the eyes. "For how long?"

"Three years. In Brussels and then I'll settle in America. I'll do this for me- for us. I want to be the person you knew I always dreamt to be, and I am going to make it a reality. If by chance, our paths cross again, maybe by the time-"

"You know that I'm not in the position to cut your wings just to make you stay right?"

That's it then I embrace her.

"Perhaps, by the moment that you return home, I am ready to face a new life with you."

I just nod.

I still wait for a few days, before I tried to reach out with my brother. By the time, he's now going to take a different path. Same big dream yet a different direction from what I did.

I decided to go to Clark Air Base. He will about to fly today with his colleagues and I want to show him that I still care. By the time I laid my eyes on him, he is already wearing a U.S. Navy Uniform, with the American badge on his left chest.

"Ryan," I said, almost a whisper but it draws a connection right into his ears.

"Nat," he said as he draws near me.

"You sure about this?"

"Yeah."

"You won't regret this?"

"Of course."

"Okay, just promise me one thing, you'll live."

By that, we both smile then I tap his shoulder.

"I miss you bro and I am proud of you."

When he finally waves me goodbye, the only feeling I have here- in my heart, is that I am happy. I am a proud brother.

The following week is so painful for Juliana, though she never shows it to me. It is obvious in her eyes stained with tears, Nana Gregoria is dying, and the only consolation she ever wanted is for her to see Julie to have a happy life. Without her, Juliana will be left behind. Juliana will have no one.

"Find your father," the old woman utters once. "He is still alive my little girl. You should look for him. He has a right to be a part of your life, to escort you while marching on the aisle. No matter what happened in the past, it can't take away the fact that you are his daughter. Find him for the sake of your Nana, who just can't rest while worrying for the aid of her grandchild."

I look at Juliana.

"How?" she asks. "I don't know his name. Mom won't tell me."

"David. His name is Lieutenant Captain David Baxter, First Class. He is on his service with the U.S. Air Force that time. Promise me."

"Nana, you don't have to worry about me. I'll find Dad and I'm okay with Nathan," by that she glances at me and then back to her Nana. "I'm good. You can go now, huh? All is well now. Always."

The next thing I know is that she still hugs me before she finally inhale her last breathe.

Juliana still whispers, "You know I'm not in the position to cut your wings just to make you stay. You can fly now. Kiss to mom and uncle for me." Saying those, she kisses the hand of Nana Gregoria, goodbye.