CHAPTER THIRTEEN

"For When I Am Weak, Then Am I Strong"

Juliana and I decided to cool off for a while. We both agreed to find our own space. I spent most of my time now on my band and compose my own music as I shut off inside my own world again.

Juliana, on the other hand, filed a leave of absence just to take good care of Nana Gregoria, whose health became worse. At her age, a simple cold have a greater possibility to turns into pneumonia, which is really the case.

Maybe, this is for the better, since we both knew our own priorities. I also decided to hide my application paper on a cruise from Texas to Brussels and to Asian coast on her for now. I don't want to intrude her composure.

I also haven't spoken to Dad for weeks. I already made my choice, so was he- to parted ways. This is for our own good.

"What's up dude?" Ethan asks as he throws me a soda in can. "That girl? Your Juliana?"

I just shake my head.

"We need certain space."

"That's what bothers you lately."

I nod. "She refuses to marry a man who just can't embrace her faith."

"Then why don't you try to do it?" Ethan answered as he gulps on his drink.

"Heaven knows how much I wanted to, but my heart tells me not to. There were so many unanswered prayers. Should I have the guts to be hurt again?"

"Then try Him for the nth time around. Maybe, it's not Him who never listens, but you who just have no patience that you get tired, that's why," Ethan suggests.

I sigh.

"I dunno," I said as I wipe my face with my palms.

"Know what bro, I am not religious person all right, but I believe in one God. You knew how I'd gone through so much. My sister died in rape slays, I abuses drugs and went in and out on rehabs then my parents abandoned me, but then I found Him, that's why I am the Ethan you see in here now."

"How do I suppose to be like you when none of the things I have in life now proves me how great are the possibilities that I'll be happy?"

"You should come with me."

"Where?"

"Let's see," he just said.

Ethan brings me in the church.

"Ethan this is nuts," I said while shaking my head.

"Bro, give it a try," he just simply answered with that bright smile.

Inside the church, I see the bright side of Ethan that I never knew. For the very first time, I see him so happy. Everyone knows him- like they are all brothers.

"I told you, I don't belong here. Praise and worship is not being me."

"God dude, 'blessed is the man that trusteth in the Lord, and whose hope the Lord is.' Jeremiah seventeen verse seven," he answered.

"Now, you're being Juliana."

He just taps my shoulder.

"We are all family of God," a woman said behind me. "You should trust your friend," then she smiles at me so bright.

Jesus? Are you really there? Then why you let me be this way? Oh, God! Am I selfish to just remember you when I am down? Please, just show me the way . . . For the first time in my life, I let myself to talk to God. Perhaps, Juliana is right. Ethan and the woman are all right. Maybe I am the problem. I am the one who just left my faith behind.

Later that night, Nadine just called me. "Hey, Nat, are you good?"

"Yeah, just burdensome Nat you just knew."

"Ha! That's what Nathaniel Villarta is like. You should get some rest away from your heartaches."

"Why does, it's always been me? You never tell me how's yours. That's why all these times, I always took you for granted."

"Nat, past is past. You have to move on. I did, and you should. Maybe it's not just meant for us."

"Tell that to my folk and he will spit it on the ground. You know how politics is for him."

"Uncle Roman cannot do a protest. Never. In Dad's case, I am always his little girl. Trust me."

"Yeah-right. Nonetheless, I am free. That's officially legit."

"Are you telling me now- "

"Yes. I moved out. Dad hates me now."

"Oh, God! What's gonna happen now? Uncle Roman hates you then he'll hate Ryan."

"Wait, what are you talking about?"

"Nat, I call you, 'coz, Ryan just dropped out. He didn't tell you? Apparently, that's what exactly I thought. He said he'll join the U.S. Marines. You know him. He resembles you the most. Nat, are you still there?"

With that, I go into our residence, and by the moment that Ryan shows himself right in front of me, I give him a heavy blow on the face, even though Dad is also there.

"Fuck up, Nat?! Now what?!"

"You little brute! All these time, I thought you're amazing. What do you want? You have Dad's side now, only to find out that you are even fool more than me. You tell me, why you dropped out in your aviation school?!"

"Nathaniel, what are you trying to do?! Huh?! Left this house at once!" Dad shouted. He is trying to interfere again but I just don't care. I grab Ryan's collar.

"Why? Huh? You're trying to be me? That's why you will join the marines? Are you crazy?!"

To my surprise, a tear fell from his eyes.

"Crazy? Yes, I am crazy proving to be somebody to which I'm not. But I am not crazy to spread my wings doing things that I love. I want to be a marine and serve my country. I strive so hard proving myself and now I want to be who I am. I'm not you but I want to be this way."

"You crazy bastard!�� Dad shouts back as he gives Ryan a blow right into the face. "Now, you two are going against me?! Ingratos!"

"What?!" Ryan shouts back.

The thing that I haven't expected is that Ryan, with his face up, gives us an anguish stare. "Now what, you will persecute and prejudice me from trying to spread my wings? You old man, I'm tired of being a star on your puppet show," then he looks at me," and I'm not your shadow. Now what, old man? If deflating my ego is all that you want, well, betraying you this way serves you right. Both of you, say things against me right into my face again, then let's forget what it's like to be a family, 'coz we're not!" with that, he left.

"Ryan!" I shouted back.

"Ungrateful," Dad said while tapping his chest.

"Dad, are you good?"

"Just leave and forget everything here and don't show your face ever again!" He waived me away and that's the end of it.

When things seem so right, then that's when it turned out wrong. Jesus, I'm almost there on trusting you again, but what now? You are leaving me behind again.

I go straight to our studio where we usually do our gig, and then I saw the three of them- Levi, Chris, and Ethan doing praise and worship. Ethan sings, Levi is on the piano, while Chris is doing the guitar.

Hallelujah!

Our God is greater, our God is stronger

God you are higher than any other

Our God is healer, awesome in power

Our God . . . Our God . . .

If our God is for us

Then they couldn't stop us

If our God is with us

Then walk and stand again . . .

Hallelujah!

Our God is greater, our God is stronger

God you are higher than any other

Our God is healer, awesome in power

Our God . . . Our God . . .

Then they stopped by the time that they became aware that I am there.

"Sorry Nat, we're just- ," –Levi.

"We're just trying to have fun. They're helping me because I want to do a gig on a Sunday Service this weekend," Ethan said with a smile.

"The next time, made me know when not to come," then I slammed the door close as I head outside.

"Wait men, what's your problem?" Ethan said as he follows me.

"Fuck up, Ethan. I need not another salt rubbing on my wound right now."

"Dude, we're just trying to soul uplift."

"Sure you are." I just remain looking at the ground.

"Is there any problem? We'll help you. God will- "

"Ethan, just for now, let me drop this topic off. Just once."

In spite of the hurt and disapproval that registered on Ethan's face, he still let me to have my own way.

So, it's just me again. No Dad. No Ryan. No Juliana. No gig. No friends. Nice!

I just keep on walking till I reach home. Literally, my only home is this condominium unit to which I invest a pretty good sum of money from doing gigs.

My life is really messed up being alone for God knows how long.

To my surprise, my lights switch on by the time I open the door. There are confettis that are spread everywhere. Franz and Michigan are there.

"Congratulations!" Michigan said happily. "Texas-Brussels-Asia trip on the go!"

Until that moment, I still have no idea what I really want to do with my life.

Franz and I just play Xbox then the three of us just consumed ourselves on drinking beer.

"Will you tell her?" Michigan asks.

"Who?"

"Oh c'mon- don't tell me you don't know what I am talking about."

"No- not yet."

"Till how long? The next month, we will aboard the cruise. Will she ever get over it? Don't pretend to be the poor guy Villarta. All is fair in love and war. You can't just hide behind the column all your life. It is also hard for her."

"You talk too much, as if you know everything."

"No one escapes Michigan's instincts."

With that, Franz laughs behind us. "She's right. How will she supports you anyway if she knows nothing? That means you don't trust her."

I just shake my head.

"No- not that. I just don't want to leave her. I have a bad feeling for this. I just can't let her go this time again."

"Then marry her," Michy suggests, and then she bursts into laughter. "Oh, seriously, I forgot, Nathaniel Chance Villarta is not a commitment type of guy, that's why you dumped me in high school after our puppy love romance." Then she glances at Franz who became silent at that moment. ��You know Nathan, I still haven't tell you how much I love you before, right? Wo ai ni!"

"You're drunk, Michy," I said just to stop her.

"You foolish thing, care-for-no-one-else, campus heart breaker! Without Franz, maybe I can't get over you. I almost offer myself to you- remember?"

"Michy! Por pavor! Delicadeza!" Franz shout.

"Oh- whatever, Franz. That's past all right. I just don't want our friend here to regret a single thing. For the man who hasn't experience true love for so long- DON'T. EVER. LET. THE. ONLY. GIRL. WHO. MADE. YOUR. HEART. MEND. AND. FELL. FOR. LOVE. BE. FOREVER. LOST. A piece of advice, love her and accept her. Love requires communication. You have to hear her out before it's too late. It's hard to restore what had been broken. You're lucky, I still remain as your friend."

After hearing those, Franz insisted to leave for they have nothing to say. I guess, he senses that I started to feel so insulted. In fact, I am. The thing is, it hurts because she's right. Always. That night, I just continue drinking beer until I sober.

The next morning, headache butts in, but unlike before, no Dinah to rescue me. That authoritarian man forbids her to contact me. Why bother? It's cool to be free! Then, the dark hole in my heart sinks in- again. No, it's not good to be alone. Before anything too far happened- like being suicidal in my spacious room- I decided to go to church. Yes, heard it right. I need answers and a little bit soul uplift.

As I enter, my heart aches. Isn't this a good idea? "C'mon, try it on!" I look behind me. Ethan? But then again, it is one of my delusions. "Nat, you're not gonna burn to hell!" Juliana? I turn around. No one. Oh, how I miss her.

I decided to sit near the altar. What is it with you that people around me clings to you?

"Child?" I look at him. A man, about the age of my Dad, or even younger sits beside me. "What bothers you?" I just throw him a confusing stare. "Oh- it's alright to talk. Maybe I can help."

"I forgot what it's like to be happy."

"You did?" he asks so amused.

"Uh- that, I guess."

"Why is that so?"

I just shrug, but he just remains silent, as if he's waiting for me to continue.

"God seems to forget how to listen."

"Why did you think so?"

"Well, when I was little, I used to have a perfect family. So I thought. Then, business got bankrupt and Dad became a total cheater, mom got angry, and then I guess, maybe I remembered now . . . "

"You remembered now? What is it kid?"

"The horror. She killed him then left me to went for the police and I never get did in touch with her ever since, but you see, there was this shelter that took care of me."

"Good for you then."

"Nah!" I shake my head. "I still pray for mom to come home, but she never did. I get bullied maybe because I am introvert, and then I met this lovely lady- Juliana. I never knew how to be friends till I found her. Knows what? Roman Villarta came in and took me away together with my foster brother. He brought us to States to become his puppets. That's when I lost my trust in Him. But I met Juliana again. I love her. I do. Always. But she can't love a man who can't share the same faith."

"That's why you forgot how to be happy?"

"Yeah, that's it."

"Kid?"

"Huh?"

He just smiles. "When you lost your parents, did you lost your home too?"

"I did."

"Nah! What I mean is, did you became a street dweller? Like those beggars who beg for alms in the sidewalk, with no food to eat, no shelter to give heat when they are cold, no shoulder to lean on when they break?"

"Of course not. I have the Little Brothers Orphanage. When I am on my breaking point, I have Mother Abess."

"Did you became uneducated?"

"Not a thing. In my stay in the orphanage, I am taught by the nuns. I get to study in Brent and Harvard."

He just nods.

"When you get bullied, did you ever have a friend?"

"I have Juliana and my brother."

"When you became adopted child, what do you think you are now?"

"If I don't drop out, I am a doctor now."

Then I stop as I look at him. I guess I know where this is heading.

He just gives me a meaningful smile.

"Kid, the answer came from you. They are just hiding there," then he points to my heart. "You know what, God answers prayers in a very special way. Yes, it's true, not all prayers came true. Why? Perhaps, it's not for you. You have to understand that you can't have all things, and we don't know what comes next. Maybe, in God's perfect timing, your prayers will be answered. But you have to understand that it renders service from purest hearts. My mentor in Theology told me once that in order to be happy, you have to sacrifice good things, to give space for better things to come. Kid, let me share you three secrets in this life that I learned when I graduated from Theology. The first secret is the secret to living. The speaker said that the secret to living is to live a life without filter. You have to communicate personally to people in order to convey your feelings, because even though actions are better than words, still words can touch hearts. Second secret is the secret to success. It is say that talent is one thing. But you have to exert double effort to achieve your goals in life. The third is the secret to happiness which I knew you needed badly. The secret to happiness is a kind and compassionate heart that is willing to give up something to render service to others. One day, all the good things that you never know you had planted, you will find it in one person. If your parents don't leave you, you think you can ever meet Juliana? Odds teach us to be a better person, so don't be mad at God. What come your way are just products of whatever choices you made in the past. A consequence. A result. Just focus on the positive side. Just like the realization we did a moment ago. If you can't find your reasons to live, cling on Jesus and He will give you your reasons. The only way to be happy is by reading the bible." Saying those, he taps my shoulder.

"Who are you," I ask.

"I am Reverend Rufino Evangelsta."

"Why are you saying this to me?"

"Let's say I am your friend."

Before he left, he still tells me two things. "When you read the bible, try reading John fifteen then pray."

What would I do now? I am another lonely-hearted fool once and for all, again.

I trace my path to Little Brothers Orphanage only to realized that it is a business establishment now.

"Hey there, young man!"

I look at the woman who just shouts behind me. I throw her a confusing stare then I point at myself.

"Yes, you are," she said while smiling as she is now beside me. "Are you from the orphanage?"

I just shrug my shoulders.

"Oh c'mon, el nombre es usted Nathaniel Villarta."

"How did you know my name?"

"Tabloids. Headlines. Newscast. Society page. Are you looking for some information that you can retrieve? Well- they are in the custody of DSWD. You wouldn't dare, I knew it, unless, you are willing to take the hassle of processing papers."

"I'm not here for information," I insist.

"Sἰ. Sἰ. Memorabilias."

I stop for a moment. Totally, she got it right.

"Ting! I am right. Old things here are in the basement. That's the old library if you care to ask. Only the children's quarters and the convent were being renovated, but the rest, suit yourself to see. Sabes!"

"You are-"

"Ah- Ericka Valdez. I am not a kid here, okay. Quien a buen árbol se arrima, Buena sombra le. The Reverend asks me to follow you here. You know, Reverend Rufino is a good friend of Father Escalante.

I just nod. "Thanks."

"Nah! Algo, siempre! It's what Jesus did too." She smiles then leave. "Hasta la vista, mi amigo!"

I go to the old library. On that same corner, I find the big bible. I smile. "Same old ways."

Here I go again.

"I am the true vine and my Father is the vinedresser . . .

I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing . . .

If you abide in me and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish and it will be done for you . . .

As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love . . .

If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father's commandments and abide in His love . . .

. . . These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full . . .

This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you . . .

. . . Greater love has no one than this that someone lay down his life for his friends, John fifteen."

Maybe, that's the answer to my prayers. To abide in Jesus is what makes me happy.

That's the time when I fall apart, and burst into tears as I reflect on my sins and hatred and regrets in the past and tell Him I am sorry.