Phantom_of_Romance
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Phantom_of_Romance10mthReplied to MansonFD7Ch 1 Mystery of the Black Box- Phantom_of_Romance10mthReplied to Aramis_Queen
yeah it was confusing for a few seconds until I finished reading chapter 1
Stretching her claws, she swings her hand, a ringing noise echoes throughout the land as large gashes appear on the ground below, butchering her kin. - Phantom_of_Romance11mthCommented
I'm confused here, is Defiance a Devourer or is she not? The words 'her kin' confuses me
Stretching her claws, she swings her hand, a ringing noise echoes throughout the land as large gashes appear on the ground below, butchering her kin. - Phantom_of_Romance11mthCommented
Remember to use an Active Voice here, "has surrendered" is passive. Change it to just "surrendered" as its basically what you were saying anyways. I'd suggest switching this paragraph to after the next paragraph or after the dialogue Defiance mumbles to herself to see if it has better impact and breathing room from the amount of world-building you placed.
This paragraph has been deleted. - Phantom_of_Romance11mthCommented
Try placing the action before what he says it adds to the story
"Make him wear a Zivar ear chip so he can understand what he said" said Leo's father while putting one in his hear. - Phantom_of_Romance11mthPosted
There could be a better way to put a little less telling and a little more showing when it comes to characters emotions, but the story is fantastic so far! Every character is well-built so far and the World Building is placed in well. Story development is pretty smooth, but my 5 stars until after the book is finished. Its a great read, for those who love a dramatic romance novel with a twinge of Adventure sprinkled out the story-line.
- Phantom_of_Romance11mthCommented
Instead of commanded, maybe try ordered
This paragraph has been deleted. - Phantom_of_Romance11mthCommented
Maybe change the Chapter title to something that will make more sense? Like, 'An Unexpected Rescue' or 'Mishandled and Defiled' if you want to go the same route. Just my opinion, but you place whichever you want.
The R*pe Attempt - Phantom_of_Romance11mthCommented
For the pole falling on Clara's back, do the sound effects like you have been doing. It's probably a strength of yours. Or simply describe the pole falling and slamming behind Clara. Whenever you write, 'Suddenly' or 'Out of nowhere' it ruins the surprise you want to show as a general tip. :3
This paragraph has been deleted. - Phantom_of_Romance11mthCommented
This sequence is great! Make sure to keep it in your revisions and edits!
Boommm! Boommm! Boommm! - Phantom_of_Romance11mthCommented
"You're better dead than alive" Is how it should be phrased (:
This paragraph has been deleted. - Phantom_of_Romance11mthCommented
I think co-op should be cope here?
This paragraph has been deleted. - Phantom_of_Romance11mthCommented
Instead of small, medium and large. Try naming them from there ship type: Fighter, Battleship, Heavy Fighters, Demolitionits, Coordinators, Protectors, Cruisers, etc.
All groups followed the plan and divide themselves, Jeanne and the other in her group was being in a 4-1-1 formation with the small ships in front, then the medium one, to finish by the large one. They were doing a big detour to not be detected by the Faran, the other groups will mostly try to gain time for her to be able to surprise them, since battleships can only attack in front. To be able to attack behind, they must turn themselves into the right direction, which is the main weak point than humanity grasped when being attacked by the Faran, but they have the sale problem, since the energy must go in only one direction for battleships to be able to function properly. - Phantom_of_Romance11mthCommented
"the endless, starry night of space"
Jeanne appeared inside a spaceship, she was in the control room, she could the space through the gigantic window of the spaceship. - Phantom_of_Romance11mthReplied to She_Myra
Hahaha I know, I was just giving an example of action before dialogue
"Trisha! Are ya comin' out or I gotta drag ya Outta here" Marcello, Cassie's son, yelled at me. He was sitting on my bed for the past hour urging me to get ready. - Phantom_of_Romance11mthCommented
No need for the word 'Suddenly' here
Suddenly, a loud scream pierced the air, jolting Max out of his thoughts. He quickly turned towards the sound and saw a man with his face covered running away with a woman's handbag. The man was being chased by the police, but he suddenly changed course and started running straight towards Max. - Phantom_of_Romance11mthCommented
Maybe we can work on Showing and not Telling here
As Max entered the alley, Max took a deep breath and started climbing the wall like a pro. He had done this many times before, and he knew the ins and outs of every nook and cranny. Max made it to the top of the wall and looked down at the other side. With a quick leap, he landed perfectly on his feet, like a superhero. - Phantom_of_Romance11mthCommented
We can probably switch out 'a pang of envy' with something from the Emotion Thesaurus.
Max felt a pang of envy as he watched them. He couldn't remember the last time he had gone out and enjoyed himself on a Friday night. It seemed like all he did these days was work, work, work.