XxSpideyxX
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XxSpideyxX3mthReplied to ElectricLunais this a progression fantasy? is it kingdom or empire building? what is the plot or point? is it just some kids in a prehistoric fantasy setting? the summary is not clear. is this about action and fighting? or is it about using modern knowledge in a prehistoric fantasy setting? is the mc smart, cunning, or stupid regular person? is this magic powers solve everything or a normal skilled person counqering through cunning?
- XxSpideyxX6mthCommented
this dude is a man-child, but he's in the body of a little boy, so I guess that fits.
Although Bruce had a literal chill run through his body after hearing the line about taking a bath from the butler, he still controlled himself from replying with 'No homo'. He just coughed lightly and told Alfred to take him to his new room first especially since Bruce didn't even remember where his old room was and he definitely didn't want to search the huge mansion to find out. - XxSpideyxX8mthCommented
it would at the very least bring up an interesting idea of what the ancient one thinks of places like asgard and the tree and norse mythology. her view on the organziations of power and their place in the universe would be the best place to start mapping out the political landscape of the universe, the strength of its nations, and the borders. but that might not be fun to write for most authors. it would be fun to read for me, though. anything to put kids' universes through an adult perspective is fun for me.
He's my only link to the wider universe and Jane's research notes on him is the only trail I have to him. Unless of course I ask the Ancient One to portal me to Thor's location, which I know he won't. Why would he in the first place? - XxSpideyxX8mthReplied to Tilted19
I agree with you. story pacing is more important. but at first glance it seems like the justifications for the pacing are low effort. make up something to slow progress because the author already wrote his character as op. walking it back now just seems random. make magic more complicated or use complications with his soul as justification. just put more effort than a line saying infinite processing power cant crack magic. ita hard for a logical brain to swallow that reasoning without intterupting the enjoyment of the story.
Believe it or not, just because I have the Mind Stone or because my processing system is light-years away from the fastest computer currently on earth doesn't mean that I'll master the arts with a glance. - XxSpideyxX9mthCommented
is he a mutant? hows is science and chemicals giving him lizard telepathy? feels a little dumb and contrived.
'Fascinating', he thought. He could feel the wall lizard's mind as clear as day, and that wasn't all. He could feel dozens of other reptilian species in a four-mile radius that he could take control of. Garden lizards, wall lizards, small snakes, iguanas - and so on. He could even sense a hazy human mind in the distance - one that he couldn't control, but instead temporarily devolve into a lizard brain, instilling a flight or fight response. - XxSpideyxX9mthCommented
pace is good, great even, only mad there isnt enough chapters to feed me
Hey, I just wanted to ask, is the story going a bit too slow for you guys? I think it's going fine, but you may have a different opinion. With how it's currently going, he'll probably gain his first powers in 6 - 7 chapters min. Should I speed it up or is it going just fine? Just drop a comment on the para. - XxSpideyxX9mthCommented
death flags, oh no
"Date night!" Ben answered before May could open her mouth. "Be prepared, Peter, you may get a new cousin soon." - XxSpideyxX9mthCommented
ayy realistic take and smart. love it.
He didn't what to think of Gwen just yet, other than the fact that she was incredibly beautiful. He would address the topic at a later date. At the moment, he would focus on surviving. - XxSpideyxX10mthCommented
cringe and not great english make me already duslike this.
Gwen fluttered her gorgeous eyes and opened her seductive lips once again as she said using her soothing voice, "You said you were a Martian researcher, is it possible to land on Mars on your world already?" (A/N: Yes. I just did that. Fight me if you can) - XxSpideyxX10mthCommented
ive forgotten heroes, but its jarring and story breaking to hear a guy say time stopping and dimension powers are coming from dna mutations. dude it sounds so stupid please have your mc awknoledge this and stop saying it out loud.
"Personally, I think we are just something nature devised to deal help with the current situation on the planet. - XxSpideyxX11mthCommented
nobody has any questions, good, that would slow things down too much.
"That could work, but we shouldn't count on it." Peter says, knowing it won't be that easy. "Let's call that plan B. Plan A is me speaking to Banner or Hulk. Plan C will be fighting." - XxSpideyxX11mthCommented
nobody has any questions for the teenager superhero and all his maturity, experience and knowledge. it is a running theme of this story. never question the teenager or stop the flow of rollercoaster events with anything real or negative.
"Not only that." Peter says as he sees the doubtful looks on everyone's faces. "She also worked with him on the super soldier serum, so Betty could help him find a cure for the green guy. As a scientist, I'm positive that Banner has tirelessly spent these five years trying everything to fix himself. Her input on that would be invaluable to him." - XxSpideyxX11mthCommented
The whole world is going to be asking about the name. Why Avengers? Isn't that a little violent for a worldwide super peacekeeping group? That wants to run schools and infrastructure? It would work if Avengers was an a already established name, but it isnt.
Tomorrow, they would present the Avenger's plan in front of the entire UN, as Charles did with the Meta-human announcement. It's going to be approved no matter what, as they already laid the groundwork with these meetings, so this is really just a formality. - XxSpideyxX11mthCommented
Hes 15 and Un leaders are letting him run and dictate terms in meetings. Does everybody just ignore him when his voice cracks?
At the end of the day, Peter is only 15 years old, so his hormones are all over the place. He's about as horny as it can get for a teenager these days, so seeing a naked woman that he 100% masturbated to in his past life was shocking to say the least. - XxSpideyxX11mthCommented
Every letting SPiderman run this like the president of the world. My suspension of disbelief can only be stretched so far before i cant enjoy this. Please take some effort, even throwaway lines to other characters to make this actually seem like a UN meeting. Most of this stuff should be played to cameras anyway for real political weight.
"Separate, you two will be far too busy fighting each other to truly fight for the cause of meta-human equality." Peter says, getting reluctant nods from both parties. "At the end of the day, both of you want the same thing. A safe world, where meta-humans are accepted like any other race of people, so why not combine forces? Based on what I've seen here today, I'm sure arguments will unfold almost constantly, but you're both grown men. Elderly even. Speak like adults and come to the best solution possible. It's that easy." - XxSpideyxX11mthCommented
This is very cheesy for a UN meeting. Have you ever watched one of those? This is very fanfic.
"You two old senile idiots may not see it, but you are made for each other. The carrot and the stick. The politician and the enforcement. The guiding hand and the hand that strikes when the other is bitten." Peter says, gesturing between the two. "The Principal and the leader of the team, which protects the peace through force when necessary. Partners working together for the betterment of mankind as a whole. Because that's what meta-humans are. Just a new part of mankind." - XxSpideyxX11mthCommented
Spiderman is 16 right? Why is no one even asking his age?
"I can't believe I agreed to this..." Peter mutters from the passenger seat, still dressed in his Spider-suit. "How did you talk me into this again?" - XxSpideyxX11mthCommented
Why has no one commented on how young this spiderman sounds and looks. Hes 15, theres no hiding that. At least have him make a voice changer or something.
"I don't believe you but I suppose that's the downside of being a deadly spy, such as yourself. Your words mean nothing because you're trained to do this. Lie and gain people's trust, only to backstab them when it is all said and done." Peter could see Natasha slightly flinch at his harsh words. "Though I'll give you a chance. Earn my trust and I can be a strong friend and ally. It just depends on what you do with that trust afterward, isn't it?" - XxSpideyxX11mthCommented
WHere is the money going and to whos name? Your skipping so much of the legal and actual work to make the stuff you want to function in this story. Have him hire a legal team or a company to represent spiderman with a team of lawyers to keep his name secret. Maybe team up with a homeless shelter, IE feast and create a nonprofit and work through them.
Speaking of money, the amount of money that Peter has made through his Youtube channel is crazy. He has only put up 2 videos and yet the views and revenue from them are truly astronomical.