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WhYDoIEVeN

WhYDoIEVeN

Lv12
2020-09-27 JoinedUnited States
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  • WhYDoIEVeN
    WhYDoIEVeN2mth
    Replied to DaoistUEvmST

    There's not any romance for the protagonist as of yet, but both of the female supporting characters by her side (Annabelle and Baihe) has a crush on her. It's unlikely that it'll have any romance however

    altalt
    The Protagonist’s Sister Is Actually The Strongest
    Fantasy · PancakesWitch
    detail
  • WhYDoIEVeN
    WhYDoIEVeN11mth
    Commented

    Another good example to what I mean. We were TOLD that the child wasn't expecting Mira to be so blunt when you could've instead gone with, for example. "Eh?" an involuntary gasp came out of Dominique's mouth, her eyes widening at how blunt Mira was being.

    "Eh?" Dominique wasn't expecting Mira to be so blunt.
    altalt
    Immortal Ice Empress: Path to Vengeance
    Fantasy · Dreyerboys
    detail
  • WhYDoIEVeN
    WhYDoIEVeN11mth
    Posted

    Story reviewed preemptively at Chapter 88, will most likely be taken down by myself and redone again when I reach the middle part so know that this might not be exact as of later chapters. I'm doing this now to give the author my take on the story and some (constructive) criticism as it seems like there's only been praises so far, and no one has told them any actual negatives about the story. Before anything else, I'd like to point out the most major thing keeping this story from being a solid 4+ stars, and that is that it suffers quite heavily from the violation of the "show, don't tell" rule. For quite a lot of it, we are told, not shown. For example, in chapter 88 when Maria was fighting our protagonist. "Mira got into range and made a move like she was about to roundhouse kick Maria in the upper thigh. Maria decided now would be a good time to take a swing, but immediately regretted this decision", we are never shown in details what is happening, only told of it. Wording is important in fights, much less the story itself, and so is a good repertoire in vocabulary. It makes it so that you can show better what is happening instead of making it seem like it's being told. It's something required for the reader to be able to empathize with characters and immerse into the story. Which brings me to the second problem of the story, it lacks exactly that. Which, to me makes it feel like the reader is disconnected from the series, unable to empathize with characters and their struggles. The details feel too little at times, and too much at times. Never "just right", we're barely shown facial expressions, emotions. and such at the end of dialogue, it ends with just. There is little gravitas included, and I feel that if these problems were to be fixed, the story would become much more enjoyable than it currently is. Personally saying, I'd advice you take a look at your earlier chapters and remake them a bit, improve them and make edits that will make the story early on more enjoyable before fully focusing on making new chapters. Even if later on it gets much better, people won't be motivated to read that far in if they can't enjoy the first parts of it, no? Anyways, besides those problems the story has been quite enjoyable so far, the pacing is good. Most of the time it's neither too fast nor too slow and there hasn't been any moment so far I felt like there has been no progress and that we are at a standstill. The world is great for something that is Xianxia/Xuanhuan, and there are some nice spins to it that I can really appreciate. The cast of character so far is really nice, and Maria, even if she can at times be unbearable or too generic, gives a much needed source of character interaction and positive atmosphere to the story, and acts as a counterbalance to Mira's character- no matter how much I love her. TLDR; as of ch.88, a great story that is weighted down by the violation of "Show, don't tell", and the lack of repertoire in vocabulary.

    altalt
    Immortal Ice Empress: Path to Vengeance
    Fantasy · Dreyerboys
    detail
  • WhYDoIEVeN
    WhYDoIEVeN11mth
    Commented

    Yandere mode, HATSUDO

    'I didn't know Mira would be like this when I first met her though!! I think it's a bit too late to back out now as well. There is no way Mira would let me after she's put in years of work into training me and tempering me.' Maria thought to herself, but how could Mira miss the changes in expression.
    altalt
    Immortal Ice Empress: Path to Vengeance
    Fantasy · Dreyerboys
    detail
  • WhYDoIEVeN
    WhYDoIEVeN1yr
    Commented

    Personally I'd like this

    [ Image ]
    altalt
    My Custom System
    Fantasy · Yui_Cat
    detail
  • WhYDoIEVeN
    WhYDoIEVeN1yr
    Commented

    Wait a minute. That's Kaomoji, not Emoticon. Also.. Mini Histy, is that you?

    [Host, please don't determine my full potential on a whim! ≧Д≦]
    altalt
    Op Girl with Touhou System
    Anime & Comics · PlebLord
    detail
  • WhYDoIEVeN
    WhYDoIEVeN1yr
    Commented

    Looks like the perverted old geezer really has not lost his wisdom. And potential romantic interest maybe (the damsel in distress)? LET'S GOOOOOOO

    Ch 8 Chapter Seven - One Eyed King
    altalt
    Seraphim Princess of DXD
    Anime & Comics · Lambhendelta
    detail
  • WhYDoIEVeN
    WhYDoIEVeN1yr
    Commented

    Will she only be interested in girls?

    Ch 1 Cebrail Caritas - BIO
    altalt
    Seraphim Princess of DXD
    Anime & Comics · Lambhendelta
    detail
  • WhYDoIEVeN
    WhYDoIEVeN1yr
    Replied to DontLookPls

    If that is the case, don't use the yuri tag. Instead of doing so, just mention in either the synopsis or the first chapter that the females in the harem will have sexual interactions with each other, or that there will be a girl love subplot of sorts. Having the yuri tag when the MC isn't female or isn't focused on the yuri is highly misleading. Don't give false hope to us yuri only fanatic when you're just going to not make it so.

    altalt
    Dropped(sorry)
    Eastern · DontLookPls
    detail
  • WhYDoIEVeN
    WhYDoIEVeN1yr
    Commented

    Probably should convert this to km. You've used the metric system for the most part so far so using imperial here seems out of place.

    "Finally! You didn't even let me rest at all during that journey and we ran like 400 miles through the forest." Maria complained
    altalt
    Immortal Ice Empress: Path to Vengeance
    Fantasy · Dreyerboys
    detail
  • WhYDoIEVeN
    WhYDoIEVeN1yr
    Replied to Reacix

    Personally would depend on which one is pure yuri. If one is and the other isn't, it'd be that one. If both are I'm fine with either.

    Ch 43 Sex With Amia (2)
    altalt
    My Fucked Up World Traveling System
    Fantasy · Reacix
    detail
  • WhYDoIEVeN
    WhYDoIEVeN1yr
    Replied to Nightmaredbear

    No. It is I, the protagonist of protagonists; Neptune!

    (A/N what's your favorite cake/dessert?)
    altalt
    Time Stops When I'm with Her. (MHA)
    Anime & Comics · Hyberions
    detail
  • WhYDoIEVeN
    WhYDoIEVeN1yr
    Commented

    You forgot a "were" there. "Ddraig's flame and Albion's venom were said to be able to easily kill even gods"

    "I have not yet met this generation's host however, the source of power sealed into the sacred gear is one of the heavenly dragons, Albion the Vanishing Dragon." He stated grandly. The Heavenly Dragons of the past were strong enough to shake the supernatural with their presence, Ddraig's flames and Albion's venom said to be able to easily kill even gods.
    altalt
    DxD: Mechanic's Scrapyard
    Anime & Comics · Immortal_Orca
    detail
  • WhYDoIEVeN
    WhYDoIEVeN1yr
    Commented

    Koko should create a gang and become it's leader. That would be cool.

    Ch 33 Chapter 33 - Bova the Destroyer
    altalt
    DxD: Mechanic's Scrapyard
    Anime & Comics · Immortal_Orca
    detail
  • WhYDoIEVeN
    WhYDoIEVeN1yr
    Replied to camo

    It actually happened in canon. But it wasn't Issei who described him as such if I remembered correctly, it was Ophis.

    Ch 33 Chapter 33 - Bova the Destroyer
    altalt
    DxD: Mechanic's Scrapyard
    Anime & Comics · Immortal_Orca
    detail
  • WhYDoIEVeN
    WhYDoIEVeN1yr
    Commented

    You can either use Aneki, or Aneue. Or Ane, but I wouldn't go for that. Well, your choice. I will, though point out that Aneki is usually the one used towards female higher ranking member of a gang.

    Ch 32 Chapter 32 - We Should Tell Okita-sensei
    altalt
    DxD: Mechanic's Scrapyard
    Anime & Comics · Immortal_Orca
    detail
  • WhYDoIEVeN
    WhYDoIEVeN1yr
    Replied to AuthoriTet

    First to comment on a comment that's on a comment that's in a relatively new chapter.

    Ch 12 Chapter 12 - As Serious Of A Talk You Can Get With Koko
    altalt
    DxD: Mechanic's Scrapyard
    Anime & Comics · Immortal_Orca
    detail
  • WhYDoIEVeN
    WhYDoIEVeN1yr
    Replied to Dreyerboys

    Since the Yuri tag was added to the story, is the romance focused on Yuri for the protagonist or is it because of something else?

    altalt
    Immortal Ice Empress: Path to Vengeance
    Fantasy · Dreyerboys
    detail
  • WhYDoIEVeN
    WhYDoIEVeN1yr
    Replied to Null_Nova

    Except that's not it either. Black holes don't distort light, they distort space (and by extension, time) due to how immense it's gravity is. The "even light can't escape" is just a byproduct of it's immense gravity. It's not at all shadow manipulation. It's JUST gravity manipulation. In fact, if we're doing this by extension. The other way of creating a black hole is by focusing massive amounts light, radiation, or heat into a single, small point in space that it creates a Kugelblitz. So it COULD be in light or heat manipulation, but still NOT shadow or darkness manipulation. Black holes despite the name aren't actually black, it's devoid of light. It's WITHOUT colour.

    "Advanced Shadow Manipulation Magic: Black Hole"
    altalt
    Epic of Caterpillar
    Fantasy · PancakesWitch
    detail
  • WhYDoIEVeN
    WhYDoIEVeN1yr
    Commented

    You shouldn't use the yuri tag if IT ISN'T going to be mainly yuri, or the protagonist isn't going to be female. Instead you can simply just warn in the synopsis that there will be a yuri subplot.

    Ch -1 Please first read this
    altalt
    Forbidden system
    Games · Romushi_33
    detail