The Catheter King

"I couldn't get the right hole," Kenna laughed, shaking her head as her ponytail twisted back and forth. "I stuck it in her vagina twice."

Kai and Kenna stood in the supply room, digging around for the correct size Foley catheter. The supply room was chaotic. It seemed like whoever unpacked the stock just threw things in random places. It was almost like nursing assistants were too underpaid to care about the stock room.

"Yeah. It's easy to do that," Kai snickered as he looked through the catheters.

"I came to you because you're the catheter king," Kenna joked.

Kai groaned. He hated the nickname. He couldn't help but notice that he always had the magic touch when it came to finding the urethra in female residents. It was both a gift and a curse. He could have lived without this gift, but every nurse had their strengths and weaknesses.

He assumed he was shoving tubes into tiny holes.

"16 French with a 30cc balloon, right?" Kai confirmed as he held up a packaged catheter tube.

"Yes," Kenna nodded. "I can't believe Maria pulled out the catheter with the balloon still intact."

Kai grimaced. He could almost feel the pain.

"Hearing that hurts my dick," Kai laughed. 

"I bet it does," she nodded with a smile.

Kai grabbed a catheter change kit, then followed Kenna to Maria's room. The female nurse knocked on the resident's door and announced herself. The two walked in to see Maria lying naked from the waist down in her bed.

Apparently, she pulled down the covers while Kenna went to get help. Maybe she wanted to expose herself. Who knew?

Kai smiled politely at the woman, but the woman ignored the nurses. Her attention was focused on the TV. She seemed lost in the program she watched.

She was watching a show that was meant for older children. Kai was amazed at how dumb the show was. He felt his brain rotting just listening to it. He couldn't believe children watched those sort of things. No wonder children were so dumb.

The resident was watching television intensely. She was a small, older woman who was a former opera singer. She was an amazing singer, but her health deteriorated, and she lost her voice. She could speak, but her words came out low and raspy.

"Maria, this is Kai." Kenna introduced the blonde nurse. "He is going to put your catheter in."

"Hello, Maria," Kai stated, looking at the woman's face.

She gave him the evil eye. She decided he was the reincarnation of the devil himself. He looked handsome, but he wanted to do evil things to her. She just knew it. She could sense it.

"She doesn't like you, it seems," Kenna whispered to Kai.

"I guess not," he shrugged.

He wasn't worried. He's had residents give him the evil eye before, but they never lasted. They'd either warm up to him or die.  Then again, that's what always happened in the game known as life.

"Let's get you into Fowler's position," Kenna said to the old woman.

Kai took the catheter kit and placed it on the end of bed. Maria tried to kick it, but she got a leg cramp and couldn't extend her leg far enough.

Kenna pulled Maria into a sitting position, and the woman moaned.

"This is the worst part of my day," the resident grunted. "You assholes keep playing with my cooch."

"I'm sorry, but this will only take a minute," Kenna assured her. "We aren't playing with you. It's not a game."

"I want my boyfriend to put my catheter in," Maria argued. "My boyfriend knows my body."

"Your boyfriend isn't here," Kenna replied. "And he isn't certified to insert a catheter."

"That's what you think," the old woman snapped. "He can do anything. Especially when it involves my cooch."

Kai shivered. The statement totally grossed him out. He heard all kinds of appalling things about working in a nursing home. This wasn't the worst, but it was still nasty to think about.

"Just relax, okay?" Kai said calmly. "I know what I'm doing."

"Don't touch me!" Maria barked, swatting Kai's hand away. "I'm a virgin."

"Maria, you have kids," Kenna reminded her. "Plus, virginity has nothing to do with this."

"I just want to help you," Kai replied.

"I'm fine. I don't need your help," Maria nearly growled with her raspy voice. 

She was clearly not fine.

"Maria, he is here to help you," Kenna explained again.

"No, no, no," Maria said, shaking her head.

"Yes," Kai stated. "Yes, yes, yes."

"You already tried that and stuck it deep in my cooch hole."

Kai sighed. He wished she would stop referring to it as her cooch.

"My boyfriend is coming to put it in," Maria argued. "He's a good man."

"You know, if you didn't pull out the catheter, I wouldn't have to be here," Kai explained.

"You're not putting that thing in me," Maria snarled.

"Maria," Kenna began in a soothing voice. "You have urinary retention. If we don't put the catheter in, you won't be able to urinate. You may get sick and die."

"I'm fine," the old woman snapped. "I will piss right now."

Maria closed her eyes and pressed down. She tried her hardest to pee, but there was no pee to be seen. She definitely could not pee on her own.

"I really think we should just put it in," Kai suggested.

"I'm fine," Maria snapped again.

"Please," Kenna sighed.

"I don't want to," Maria complained.

"I have a solution," Kai stated.

"Which is?" Kenna asked, curious to hear what the blonde nurse had in mind.

"If you don't have the catheter in by seven, I will have to call the ambulance," Kai explained.

"What?" the old woman huffed.

"Yes, and the doctor at the hospital will most likely admit you," Kai continued. "That means it will be longer until you get to go home. You'll have to stay at Shady Pines even longer. "

"What? That's a dumb rule," Maria spat.

"It is a stupid rule," Kenna agreed.

"Exactly, which is why you need to let me put this in," Kai said as he gestured to the catheter kit.

"Fine, just hurry," the old woman sighed. "Don't fuck around down there."

That was the last thing he wanted to do.

"We'll be as quick as possible," Kai replied, opening the end of the catheter package.

He attached the catheter to a drainage bag, then laid it on the bed next to the old woman's leg.

Kai peeled the plastic back from the top of the catheter kit. As Kenna positioned Maria's legs, Kai carefully pulled the gloves off the top of the kit. He donned them using sterile techniques.

He carefully set down the sterile field and opened the lubricant and cleansing swabs. He put the lubricant at the end of the catheter and tested the balloon with the sterile water syringe. It inflated, so he pulled back the syringe to deflate the balloon.

"I'm going in."

"The hell you are!" Maria scowled at him.

Kai chucked and positioned his hand next to Maria's privates. That one hand would be the non-sterile hand.

"You have a flashlight?" He asked Kenna.

"I already have my phone ready," she nodded.

"Keep your phone away from my cooch," Maria stated in her raspy voice. "It's a no photo zone. I don't need you to have pictures of her."

"Chill out," Kai instructed. "Nobody's taking pictures."

"I'm watching you," Maria stated, glaring at the male nurse.

The blonde cleansed the area where her urethra was with the three swabs. Each swab passed by the area once before being discarded.

Kai took a deep breath and tilted his head to look at her privates. As he did so, he readied the end of the catheter near her. Kenna held the flashlight up, and Kai immediately saw the urethra wink at him.

"I saw it," Kai stated. "She winked."

"Great!" Kenna smiled.

"I didn't wink," Maria scoffed.

Kai simply shook his head and inserted the tip of the catheter into Maria's urethra.

"Fucker!" Maria howled.

Kai didn't let the insult deter him. He continued to insert it until he saw a flash of urine in the tubing. He mentally celebrated his success. He advanced it slightly more, then inflated the balloon.

As he did so, Kenna attached the catheter securer to Maria's leg and placed the excess catheter tubing in it.

Kai pulled back and smiled at Maria. "See? That wasn't so bad."

"No wonder you're the catheter king," Kenna chucked.

Maria sat in silence as Kai discarded the trash and took off his gloves. He attached the catheter bag to the bed while Kenna covered up and repositioned the woman.

"See you," Kai said to Maria, giving her a salute.

Maria simply flipped him off.

The pair left the room and went to the nurse's station to wash their hands. After finishing, Kai checked his phone and noticed it was 5 until 7. 

"Alright, I'm going back to my hall," he said to Kenna as he began to walk down the hall.

Kenna smiled and waved. "Thanks! Drive safe!"

It was another job well done by the catheter king.

But his biggest challenge of the day was yet to come.