Twenty-Three

"Hyung, why did you come?" I continued to smile although it was getting increasingly difficult to breathe.

"What do you mean 'why'?" He frowned and came up to the bed. "I came here as soon as I heard about what had happened and as soon as I could come. They said that you had collapsed and… do you know how worried I was about you? And the first thing I hear when I walk in is 'why did you come'?" His concern was clearly reflected in those bold black eyes that now looked tender. His forehead was creased and he had not even bothered to fix his hair after removing his cap. Despite having not wanted to show my emotions, it looked like I had chosen the wrong words.

"No… What I had meant was… how were you able to come? You should have been busy." That was barely a cover up and the pause that he had given me before speaking again told me that he had not bought that. Nevertheless, he said nothing more about it.

"How could I not have come?" He asked softly, furrowing his brows. "If my favourite human being is in hospital, how could I not visit?"

'Favourite human being'?

He sighed on seeing my reaction to that. "That was not supposed to make you stop smiling. Sorry."

And now I have made him apologise. What was wrong with me?

I glanced at the packet that he was carrying. "Did you bring me food?"

He shrugged. "I figured that you might not have had dinner yet. Let's eat together." He went right back to smiling. "I'm done for the day and since I had the chance to, I came right over."

"You rarely get off early, Hyung. You should have rested." While I couldn't say that I was surprised that Changmin had come, I was moved. It was probably because I was already feeling emotional but after hearing that, it felt like I could allow myself to feel happy about his visit.

"I would not have been able to sleep. I wanted to see how you were doing." He stated and left the packet on the bed-side table before coming to sit on my bed. "So, how are you doing?"

I showed him the IV drip pinned to my hand. "I'm feeling a lot better."

"Not just- uh." He looked unsure about whether to say it. "I spoke to Manager Kim earlier and he had said that you had even refused to watch S.T.A.Y's performance. If… I was a member of S.T.A.Y, I would have wanted you to watch and cheer for me. Yeah, you might feel bad in a situation like this but I would have been performing for you, you know? Not just for True."

Yeah? Well, you aren't a member of S.T.A.Y. "It's okay. I'm sure that they would have done well." I looked away.

"I've had to sit out because of an injury once." Changmin looked ahead and began saying. "I remember very vividly how I had felt back then. I know it's infuriating and painful. It's everything that you have been working for and then-" He looked at me. "Too painful to watch?"

I fell silent. It wasn't just painful to watch. It was not meant to be that performance. We had kept True anticipating something huge and then all we gave them was a not-per-the-usual four-member performance of 'Yeongweonhi Norae'. "We had planned something entirely different for them. We had practiced so hard for putting up a completely new 'Yeongweonhi Norae'. I was playing a really important role in it. They went back to our normal routine because it was too short a notice for them to make adjustments and stick to plan without me." It wasn't just painful to watch. It was my fault.

He watched me for a moment and then asked. "Do you want to know exactly how it went?"

"You watched?"

He nodded. "I watch everything of S.T.A.Y's, remember? And I felt the need to watch it all the more because I know you."

"So, you're a True. Honoured." I couldn't keep up the façade anymore.

"That's not the point. Do you want to know how it went?"

Yes, but… "No." I was the weakest link in the group when it came to dance and actual performances anyway. "I'm sure they would have done just fine without me."

He was clearly not happy with that response but I could do nothing about that. He was the one who had insisted on talking about it when I was trying my best to keep a straight face and be nice.

"You need to know how it went." He said, not taking 'no' for an answer.

Why would you even ask me if you were planning on telling me anyway?

He leaned against his arms and dropped his head back, looking up at the ceiling. "The venue was packed. Your fans were screaming for you. It was one of those scenes that always made me feel proud of you."

Just get to the point. I did not need the melodramatic narration. I was very well aware of what I had missed by staying in this hospital bed.

"All of that noise came to a gradual stop when only four members of S.T.A.Y walked onto the stage. I am pretty sure that they were expecting you to make some sort of grand entrance since you had hinted at preparing something during your Live. So, when MinQ announced that it would be just the four of them since you were not keeping well, the atmosphere went frigid." He looked at me. "Many shouted after that for you to get better, wishing you good health and saying that they would see you soon. They lent their support to the rest of S.T.A.Y too."

That was… natural, wasn't it? Hearing it from Changmin like that, I could feel a lump forming in my throat but this much was natural. I am an Idol and a member of S.T.A.Y, after all. This was but expected.

"And? How did they perform?" Wasn't that what you had wanted to tell me?

"Flawlessly." He replied. "They were amazing on stage. It isn't easy to just perform when the whole crowd was so dismal but they put up such a performance that they managed to turn it all around. Honestly, I have newfound respect for S.T.A.Y. Professional and talented. I would not have been able to get through that performance at all."

"So, they did well."

"They did."

Good then. "That's fine then. It all went well in the end. It's-"

"And then Jun broke down." He cut me off, making me swallow the rest of my words.

Yeojun… broke down?

I frowned. "What do you mean?"

"It was probably too much for him to handle. If anyone, S.T.A.Y knows how hard you worked. They know best how badly you had wanted to be standing there with them. They got through the performance just fine but then Jun turned his back to the camera and started crying. I get it though. You're not used to performing without all five members. You know the emotional high that the stage gives you. He probably felt overwhelmed."

Stop.

"It wasn't just him though. While your leader was trying to do some damage control, YoonJae looked shaken up as well. K-Soul was also quieter than he usually is. They had probably thought that they had gotten through the worst of it just fine and then Jun started crying so it must have hit them all hard. It's hard even for 04:00 am to fill in the void of one missing member and we are seven. I can only imagine how difficult it must have been with just five people in all. You're all so close to each other too. I mean, I get jealous of them for getting you all to themselves. They had obviously felt your absence onstage and it-" He stopped and watched me.

I had averted my eyes. I really had not wanted to hear all that. And yet- Changmin-

"Jeongwoo?" He called softly and placed a hand on my shoulder, moving closer. "Are you-"

My face had already crumbled. I had had no means of holding my tears back anymore. The back of my nose stung and the lump in my throat had spread to my chest and begun hurting. It was already too much for me to take and the fact that Changmin was with me at a time like that… "Why would you do this to me, Hyung?"

"What good was it going to do you to just hold it all in?" He furrowed his brows and squeezed my shoulder. "I know what this feels like. It's okay to cry."

"I-" Oh God. "This was… my idea. To apply a different concept to 'Yeongweonhi Norae' was my idea and… they trusted me with centre and I-" If only I had taken better care of myself. If only I had- "I worked… so hard on this- I worked s-so hard and… I wanted to do this so badly. I was- To True- Because of me…" I was not even sure about what I was trying to say anymore. "I should have been careful. If I… really wanted to- I should have- E-Even if this had happened after the performance, it would have been better. Yeojun-" This was pathetic. I had completely lost composure. I had sent them off with a smile and to think that Yeojun had even cried… I brought my eyes back to his face. "Hyung… Why would you do this?" I asked again but this time, I found myself leaning in and submitting to his arms for comfort. He readily accepted me and placed a hand on my head, rubbing my back with the other. "Sorry." He hummed and apologised even though he had absolutely no need to.

We had cried to each other plenty before as trainees for all sorts of reasons but this time, it felt different. Back then, I had cried to him because he was all I had had. Now, I was crying to him because I still had him. I had not wanted to show him such a pitiful face and yet, it was precisely because it was him that I was able to actually seek out a hug. Even after all this time, at my weakest point, Changmin was beside me.

My Hyung was still here.

"You… I hate you so much right now, Hyung…" I managed to say through grit teeth as I tried to compose myself after crying for a while. I said 'hate' but I was still holding onto him tightly.

"Mm. I know." He nodded and sniffed. "Ah, it's been so long since you last cried to me like this."

… "What are you getting all emotional for?" He really did sniff just now, right?

"You think it's easy for me to watch you cry?" He chuckled and sniffed again.

"You're the one who made me cry." I pointed out.

"I apologised, didn't I? I mean, you needed to let it out but I had come only intending to talk. I hadn't expected you to start crying."

"It's your fault." I closed my eyes and just regulated my breathing. Now that I had calmed down significantly, I could feel his warmth. It just made me want to stay as we were for a little while longer. "It's all your fault." Like I had said, you make me weak.

"I'm pretty sure you would have cried to YoonJae too." He stroked my back. "You're pretty close to him, aren't you?"

"I would not have hugged him. He would have hugged me."

"I would have hugged you had you not hugged me first." He clarified.

Idiot. "I know."

He chuckled, then adjusted his chin on my shoulder and hummed. "They should be coming by soon- S.T.A.Y."

"I'd rather not have them come this late." I knew that they would come though.

"I'll have to leave soon. Aren't you hungry? All that crying must have made you hungry. Shall we eat?"

I held on tighter when he tried to let go though. That surprised him.

"What is it?"

It just felt good. "Nothing." I rested my forehead on his shoulder first and then let go. "What did you bring?"

"Some Tteokbeokki. I was in a hurry to get here so I didn't shop excessively." He said and got up to get the food.

I wiped my face off on the sleeve of my hospital gown and followed his hands. I really was feeling hungry. "Anything's fine."

"Manager Kim was just about to go get you your dinner when I had called him to ask if I could come and see you. So, I decided to bring this with me." He opened up the packed food and offered my share to me, then smiled. "Do you want me to feed you?"

"No. Eat with me." I motioned towards his food.

He agreed and picked up his packed food. "Is this a hospital date?"

"It's sad that we get to hang out like this more than like normal people do. Going drinking was the only time."

"We'll get more chances once we start working on our song together. We'll have to meet up whenever we can- whether it be for work or not." He said as we began eating. "It's just a matter of a few more weeks."

"Mm. Have you thought of anything though, Hyung?" I enquired.

"For our song? Actually, for the concept, I wanted it to be something we have actually been through together. True to ourselves. Like… a journey? We walk together along two parallel roads that are heading in the same direction."

That felt very much like us. I chuckled. "I see. I'll think along those lines too then."

"Not now. I want us to take our time and work on it together. Let's wait for a few weeks."

"Okay." You want us to take time? I want us to take time on this project too.

He paused and looked at me in between eating. "Your eyes are all swollen. They'll know you cried."

"Yeojun cried too." I shrugged. I had every reason to cry.

He shook his head and continued eating, sitting on the bed beside me. "I wish I could stay longer but I'll have to leave as soon as we are done eating."

"It's okay. I'll be out of here soon anyway. They probably will not allow me to get back to work full-swing immediately though." I rolled my eyes.

"And that's a problem… why?" He raised an eyebrow at me.

"It's… not a problem per se. Just that I want to get back to work soon." I smiled sheepishly. "I want to make up for all the trouble that I have caused."

"Just… get better first."

"Yes." I nodded. "I won't let this happen again. Don't worry, Hyung."

"Mm. If you do let this happen again though, I will not be so kind as to drop by."

Really? I wrinkled up my nose. "You will come."

"What?"

"You will come." I chuckled. "Even if no one else comes, I know that Hyung will come. Your threats don't scare me."

He stared at me, then shrugged. "I don't know." He resumed eating.

"How will you not come? I am your favourite human being, after all." I smiled.

Ah, I felt better already.

It had not seemed to have meant much when he had said it himself the first time but when I said that back to him, he seemed a little embarrassed. That made me laugh all the more. He shrank a little, then laughed too.

The rest of dinner was pleasant. We did not talk about S.T.A.Y or 04:00 am or any topic related to work. We talked about home, our families, a few of our memories form back when we were trainees and food. And before I even realised it, I had finished eating and he had cleaned up. He dusted off his hands, looked around and then at me, palms placed on his hips. "That's it for tonight."

"Mm." I nodded.

Do you HAVE to go?

"Jeongwoo-ya." He came over, placed a hand on my head and touched his forehead to mine, looking me in the eyes. "Please take care of yourself, okay? For my sake."

"I will." I felt a little ticklish within. "I told you, didn't I? Don't worry, Hyung-ah." I smiled.

"Okay." He said and pulled away. "Then… I'll see you later. Sleep well, Jeongwoo-ya."

"Good night, Hyung." I smiled and gave him a small wave.

The door shut and I once again found myself alone in that hospital room. Manager Kim was probably right outside the room and would come in the moment I asked him to. S.T.A.Y was probably on their way here too.

I sighed and looked at the tube attached to my hand.

Never again am I letting anything like this happen to me or any of my members. It wasn't worth it.

By the time that Mingyu, Jaehyeon, Hanseol and Yeojun had arrived at my room, I had already watched the stage performance Changmin had told me about. I had known what to expect and yet, I couldn't help tearing up when Yeojun began crying.

Changmin was right. I had to see this.

"Hyung, how are you?" Mingyu asked and came right up to the bed.

"I'm fine." I smiled at him, then looked from Hanseol who nodded to Jaehyeon who smiled wryly and to Yeojun who looked away. This was why I needed to watch the performance. "Yeojun-ah." I held a hand out to him. "I watched the whole thing. Jun-ah, come here."

The others watched Yeojun quietly.

He hesitated.

"Jun-ah." I called again.

This time, he raised his eyes to me- a mix of embarrassment and sorrow reflected in them- then he stepped up and took my hand. I pulled him onto the bed and hugged him. "Why did you cry? Missed me that much?"

"I just-" He spoke in a really low voice. "I just got really emotional. Among all of us, you're the one who had been the most enthusiastic about it and… I did not go easy on you with the choreography either. It was too much on you."

"Ay. It wasn't your fault at all." I patted his head. It was my turn to play the Hyung. "I just wasn't paying attention to my body and ignored all the signs that it was giving me, thinking that I could pull through one more day just like that. So, it's not your fault. And it's not your fault for not stopping me sooner, Mingyu. Neither is it any of your faults for not realising it sooner." I looked at the remaining two while continuing to pat Yeojun's head.

"Okay." Mingyu nodded, a little solemn.

"And you don't need to feel bad either." Jaehyeon said, looking at me knowingly. "We'll get more chances. We can always perform our dystopian 'Yeongweonhi Norae' at the next stage. We are already well-prepared too."

He was right.

"And, Hyung." Yeojun sat up properly and looked at me. "You're doing just fine as centre so don't stress yourself out about it. You're already awesome." He looked better than he did when they had walked in.

I nodded. "Thanks, Yeojun."

"We'll do good next time." Mingyu nodded, then asked. "Did you eat, Hyung? I could get you something from the canteen."

"No. It's okay. I've already eaten." I replied. "Changmin Hyung had come."

"Changmin Sunbae?" Hanseol asked following which Jaehyeon shook his head.

"And I presume you have cried to him already."

Mm. "Is it… still that obvious?" I asked sheepishly.

"Yes." Jaehyeon said. "But you look better now so I'll not curse Changmin Sunbae for getting to you before we could."

I chuckled. "Ah… I feel loved."

"You are loved, Hyung." Yeojun said seriously.

I knew that and was grateful for that too.

"I'll talk to Manager-nim and see if I can stay here tonight with you. It's lonely without you at home." Jaehyeon pouted.

"Hanseol can sleep with you tonight." I looked at Hanseol. "You will, won't you?"

"Mm." He narrowed his eyes at Jaehyeon. "I don't think I'll be enough for him, Jeongwoo."

"I would definitely appreciate it." Jaehyeon said. "But Hanseol is not Jeongwoo."

"You were fine last night." I reminded him.

He frowned. "I did not sleep last night."

"Neither did I." Mingyu nodded.

"It was scary- the way that you just collapsed." Yeojun shrugged. "It wasn't something I could get out of my head. I mean, I was talking to you as usual and then you just…" He cleared his throat. "Anyway, none of us really slept much last night. We were also worried about the performance."

All of you… "Fine. Hyung, ask Manager Kim."

"I will." Jaehyeon nodded.

"But, Hyung," Mingyu began saying, then looked at everyone, "and this applies to everyone- and me. This time, it was all of our oversights and we were all too eager. I won't go easy the next time that someone does this to themselves. Is that clear?"

"Yes." Hanseol and I nodded, Yeojun saluted and Jaehyeon chuckled. Mingyu then stepped closer, threw an arm over my shoulders and beckoned the others over for a group hug. With our heads together, he said, "Let's take good care of each other, okay?"

"Ah." There was a unanimous agreement.

At that point, I thought about Changmin. If he had not shown up and helped me deal with this, the current meeting with S.T.A.Y would have ended so differently.

Ah… Now I felt like seeing him again. I wanted to thank him properly.

No.

I wanted to see him because I wanted to see him.