Twenty-Two

Hanseol had just returned to the practice room after recording for his Mixtapes. We had decided to take a little break from practice as he stretched and got ready to join us. The dystopian performance of 'Yeongweonhi Norae' was just less than 20 hours away and we still had a few things to fix up. Moreover, despite all the practice that I had put in, I was feeling a little unprepared. Earlier, it was good enough if I could just get through the performance to the very end but that was no longer the case. The right notes needed to be hit, the moves needed to be refined, powerful and sharp while remaining elegant. For a performance like this, the facial expressions mattered too.

There was a lot going on and a lot to get done.

I had my headphones on and my phone in one hand. The new version of 'Yeongweonhi Norae' was playing loudly enough to cut everything else out. I was still practicing my parts while the others waited for Hanseol to warm up. I had intended to stop after 2 entire run-throughs by myself but I was just not satisfied. The closer attention that I paid to it, the more I became aware of it- there was a drag. My limbs were somehow dragging in the fast sections. I always started on time but it seemed as though I was reaching the end half a beat too late. Since we were trying to synchronise our dancing, I couldn't afford even that much of a delay. And, somehow, I was just not getting it right no matter how much I tried. With so little time left, I wasn't feeling so good.

Yeojun popped up in my field of vision suddenly. I halted in my step and took off my headphones. "Sorry. Did you say something?"

"We've all been calling you." Yeojun furrowed his brows at and shook his head. "What's going on?"

"Hm? Nothing." I looked back to see the other three watching me too, Hanseol still stretching. "I was just practicing."

"You've been practicing so much that you haven't even been sleeping properly." Jaehyeon said. "Slow down. You don't look so good."

I… did not feel very good either. I couldn't make that an excuse though. The show was the very next day. I needed to fix the drag that I was feeling by then.

"Hyung, I know that taking centre so much can be quite demanding but overdoing it is not going to help." Yeojun said sternly.

"Uh…" I got scolded. "O-Okay." I paused the song on my phone and gave in. "I'll stop now."

"Good." Yeojun nodded and turned me towards the others by my shoulders. "Sit down."

"Yes. Got it." I sat down between Mingyu and Jaehyeon when Yeojun forced me to. Maybe I should take a small break and try again.

When I sat down though, my body felt heavy. I was physically exhausted and but I needed to push myself for just one more day. After the stage the next day, our schedules were relatively less crowded since we're shifting focus to Hanseol's Mixtapes. My collaboration with Changmin would start soon after that.

I just needed to get through tomorrow somehow.

"Give that here." Mingyu held a hand out to me.

"Hm? What?"

"Your phone."

"Eh? Why?"

He stared pointedly at me till I handed it over to him. He then put it away with his things and returned. "You're forbidden from self-practice from now on. You're doing just fine, Hyung."

"But-" The drag…

"Just practice with the rest of us." Yeojun said.

"If anything, I'm the one who needs self-practice." Hanseol stated.

"You are forbidden from self-practice too. You have too much on your plate." Mingyu said.

Our leader was concerned.

"You're doing good, Mingyu." I looked at him and leaned against Jaehyeon's arm, dropping my head back onto his shoulder.

Ah… I felt so heavy…

"Jeongwoo?" Jaehyeon pressed a palm to my forehead. "Are you really okay?"

"I don't have a fever, Hyung. I'm fine." I moved his hand away. "It's just… Tomorrow."

"You're nervous?" He asked.

"Significantly." I nodded. "It's okay though. This shall pass."

He patted my head. "You'll do fine. I believe in you. We all believe in you."

I smiled. "Thanks, Hyung."

We waited while Hanseol finished his stretching, talking about his progress with the Mixtapes. They were set for release 2 weeks from now. As much as he was, we were also excited and nervous for him. We were preparing for it with him.

"Okay. I'm good." Hanseol finished stretching and said as he stood up. "Let's do this."

"Okay. Come on, everyone." Mingy stood up too and offered me a hand. "We'll wind up as fast as we can. I want everyone to be rested for tomorrow."

I let him pull me up but then just stood there. I felt light-headed.

"Hyung, is there any part of the choreography that you want me to go over with you?" Yeojun asked me as Jaehyeon stood up next to me and stretched a bit.

"Uh, the choreo…" I brought a hand up to my head. I was not feeling good at all. I had thought that the light-headedness was because I had stood up too fast but I was feeling unsteady on my feet. Everything was spinning.

"Jeongwoo?" Jaehyeon called in concern when he noticed it and caught my arm.

Oh crap.

"Hyung-" I tried to steady myself with his support but my legs gave in. I heard Jaehyeon's and Yeojun's voices as a pair of arms grabbed hold of me but then everything went dark.

"Jeongwoo-ssi, are you sure?" Manager Kim asked hesitantly.

"Mm." I hummed and kept my eyes on the wall in front of the hospital bed. The T.V was off. "There's nothing to see anyway. It's just the same old usual routine anyway."

Manager Kim looked completely unsure of how to deal with me anymore. I was being difficult.

"Sorry. Could you please leave me alone for a bit?" I asked. He had done nothing to deserve my sourness.

"O-Of course." He nodded. "I'll be right outside. Call me if you need anything."

"Ah." Just go.

I couldn't even bring myself to watch it.

S.T.A.Y was performing and I had sent them off earlier saying that I would support them and cheer for them and yet, I could not even bring myself to watch the performance.

I had collapsed in between practice yesterday and they had gotten me to the hospital immediately. All that extra work and excessive practice had gotten to me. I had burnt myself out. It was just fatigue and anemia but they had refused to let me go without receiving the prescribed 2 days of bed rest. Apparently, I had pushed myself that badly.

All I had wanted was to meet True's expectations and put on a performance that they would talk about for days to come and yet…

I went and ruined everything.

The rest of S.T.A.Y had seemed really upset too. We had performed only once without one member before and that was when Mingyu had caught the flu 2 years ago. The way that I had gone down and the fact that it was because of overwork was only going to make them worry and feel bad about it all the more. In fact, they felt responsible. Especially Mingyu. The first thing that they had done when I had woken up was to apologise.

"We should have noticed. We should have stopped you earlier. We knew that you were anxious about taking centre and yet we… We should not have pressured you."

No. I should have taken better care of myself. I was disregarding the signs that my body was giving me. The drag that I had felt during practice had not been because I was doing something wrong. It was because my body was screaming to stop. And I had pushed on regardless.

If this was anyone's fault, it was my own.

Wallowing in self-contempt and regret like that, all I could really do was stare pointedly at the wall and bite back the emotions that came surging up.

A little past 08:00 pm, over an hour after I had sent Manager Kim out of the room, the door to my room opened after a brief knock. I really had not wanted to see anyone just then but DayBreak would not have left me unmonitored for too long. Although I felt bitter and unfriendly, I couldn't be rude to whoever had come by. So, steeling myself, I turned to smile at whoever had waked in.

Yoo Changmin.

He… was one of those people I had definitely not wanted to meet just then.