Chapter Twelve

When Breanna woke up, she was standing next to the bed she had been laying in. The room seemed brighter than it had been and the person that was watching her was gone. She could see Nemo next to the door, but the door kind of blocked Breanna's view. Nemo sounded like she was crying as she talked to someone and Breanna noticed that her monitor was off. She could see the edge of the bed she had laid in, but she didn't look at it. She called out to Nemo, but no one reacted. Breanna felt lighter. Like she could fly at any moment. She refused to move because she was confused. She didn't know why Nemo was crying or who she was talking to, she didn't know why it was so bright in the room, she didn't know why her monitor was off, or why she was suddenly standing up. "Nemo, look at me. I'm okay." Still no reaction. She felt something pulling on her, but Breanna didn't move. She couldn't feel the needle in her arm or understand why she felt so light.

Breanna blinked and shifted, noticing that she was back in the bed. Nemo was gone now and the person watching her was back. When Nemo returned, Breanna asked what happened. "You were gone. For four hours." Breanna questioned what she meant, thinking she meant that Breanna had been asleep. Nemo took a breath and told her not to worry about it. The next day, Breanna had to drink charcoal water and was moved to a different room. The people watching her were patient with her every time she had to use the bathroom. Breanna remembered the helpless feeling she had while laying in the bed and sometimes she longed to feel it again. The thoughts and feelings she normally had left her alone in those moments. People seemed to actually care about her and sometimes she wanted that back. While her parents proofed the house, Breanna's grandfather (Nemo's father, Carl) picked her up from the hospital. She could feel that he was sad and worried. He asked her if she was hungry, which is his way of showing that he cares, and at first Breanna said no. As they drove, she asked if they could get Chick-fil-a. When they arrived at her grandparents house, she went and laid down. She slept for hours before getting up again.

Breanna wasn't sure how to move forward. She knew that she would stagger and she knew that her parents would be cautious. She didn't know that they would step on egg shells around her. She hated it. She had a curfew now, she wasn't allowed to be near sharp objects, medicines were locked up and distributed when needed, and she was really only allowed to go to school then come home. When Breanna wanted to talk to her father, he told her "I don't think I should be a part of your recovery". Even though she understood, his words hurt her. Breanna and Paul thought in two different ways. He was more of a straight forward person and she was more of a rollercoaster, jerking and zagging in different ways. Breanna relied on Paul more than he knew. She was terrified that he was going to leave her, especially when she needed him most. She just wanted her dad to accept her even if she was broken. She didn't want to be discarded like all the other broken things, but she didn't force him to help her. She knew that he wanted her to be happy and that he just didn't know what he could do.

When Breanna turned eighteen, she was tired of her parents avoiding certain topics. She was tired of being kept on a tight leash and she wanted to escape. She was told on several occasions that she was a free and wild spirit. She was told that she could never be tamed because of the fire that burned deep inside her and that it was a good thing. Breanna wanted freedom and the ability to make her own decisions, so she moved in with her boyfriend and his family. Her parents were hurt by her decision and stopped communicating with her. Breanna loved her family more than anything (and still does) and not being able to see them destroyed her more and more. It was a year before they started talking again. Breanna was paying her part of the rent, working, and wondering if she should go back to school since she dropped out halfway through senior year. She was confused and hurting and she knew that she needed help. She just didn't know how to ask for help.