Chapter 9 - Whiskey Peak Pt 3

The first few seconds of the encounter, I focused on keeping my thoughts firm and logical: 'She won't hurt him, he's just a snail, she probably just wanted to shut him up before he actually thought to listen again - going to need to talk to him about that - so he's fine. I just need to be calm, wait my turn, and very politely ask if I could have him back please.'

The next few seconds, I became aware that my mouth was moving without my explicit control. I only managed to catch the tail end of what I was saying, but the general gist could be summarized as "where the hell is my snail you bitch".

The next second, my thought process could be summarized as the phrase 'Goddamn it, mouth.'

Robin cocked an eyebrow at me, though her expression was otherwise studiously disinterested. "Well now, that was quite a rude greeting."

"CROSS!" Sanji snarled as he stomped towards me. "How dare you talk to a woman like that!?"

I briefly considered apologizing for my behavior... but I swiftly dismissed it in favor of snarling back at the cook. "I don't care if she's Miss goddamn Universe, she just did something to Sound-ACK!"

Before I could work myself into a right proper rant, I was cut off by the swift and sudden obstruction of my air supply. Whipping my hands up to scrabble at my throat, I swiftly identified the problem: a set of foreign fingers that were as iron-hard as they were young and smooth and firmly crushing my windpipe.

"Mister Jeremiah?" Vivi asked in concern. "Mister Jeremiah, what's wrong!?"

For some reason, even as I heaved and thrashed in a marginally successful effort to keep myself upright and inhale any amount of fresh air, the only thing I could think was 'Do I look like an octogenarian to you!?'

"Oh, nothing much, really," I heard Robin's voice say in unconcerned manner. "He's just learning a lesson on manners is all."

Honestly, I could only imagine what this looked like to the crew. To the world, it must have appeared that I was choking on thin air, but the truth was far more terrifying: in a deft display of her mastership over her powers, Robin had somehow managed to sprout an arm within the lining of my jacket, most likely by momentarily affixing one of her eyes to my shirt, and had snaked it up along my chest in order to set it to start throttling me.

In most situations, I would probably be impressed by the feat. As it was, however, I was a bit put off on account of how I was being choked like a bitch.

I staggered slightly as I tried to wrench the fingers open. I really hoped no one did anything monumentally stupid any time soon, otherwise-

"LET GO OF MY COMMIE!"

Sometimes, I'm not even sure why I bothered.

I was barely able to catch sight of Luffy leaping up at Robin, but I definitely saw Robin slide over a mere foot to her right, thus allowing my captain to sail right past her. A moment later, Luffy's very panicked and very outraged cries sounded back to us, though they swiftly became muffled.

"My my... you're quite the rambunctious lot, aren't you?"

"Why you-!" I could hear the rest of the crew snarl furiously, the sounds of weapons being drawn sounding out for a moment before being replaced by the sounds of those same weapons hitting the deck.

"Hmph... could you please not point such dangerous things at me? It's quite rude."

"Hrrrgrrghh..." I gargled out rebelliously.

"Please, stop!" Vivi pleaded desperately. "I'll do anything you want, just let Mister Jeremiah go!"

"Hmm... very well..." I could practically hear the smug in Robin's voice. If I wasn't currently being strangled to death, I might have done something about that. "You just need to do one thing."

"Name it!"

The air of smug somehow intensified immensely. "Thank me."

"WHAT!?"

"Thank me for helping you. After all, I helped you identify Mister Zero, didn't I?"

"You're the one who told Crocodile that we'd found out about him in the first place!"

"And that's all I did. Well, apart from disposing of Mr. 8, of course. I believe that that qualifies as being extremely generous, no?"

"YOU KILLED IGARAM!?"

Robin's weary sigh echoed slightly on the edge of my hearing. "My my, you do love to nitpick, don't you? Instead of asking questions of me, perhaps you should be asking yourself how much air you think your friends' 'Commie' has left, hm?"

Oh hell no. Future crewmate or not, there was no freudian excuse on the goddamn planet valid enough to make me sit around and let this cocky bitch - and indeed, at this moment she was definitely acting like a bitch - use me as goddamn leverage!

As the very edges of my vision started to turn ever so slightly black, I renewed my scrabbling at the grip on my throat, trying to make any kind of difference. Unfortunately, however, either I was way weaker than I thought I was, or Robin exercised her hands with religious fervor.

...Not like that! God, no. That was the last thing I needed on my mind at the moment.

Just as things started tunneling before me, I managed to find some form of leverage, wrapping my fingers around a lone protrusion of flesh I could feel.

In a final burst of desperation, I wormed both my hands around the protrusion and yanked as hard as I could.

Never before had the sound of a thumb joint disintegrating into shredded ligament brisket sounded so genuinely appealing.

The next instant, the limb evaporated into ethereal flower petals and I breathed, inhaling what felt like ten lungfuls of air at once before coughing heavily enough to expel one of those selfsame lungs. "Crazy... bloody... demon witch..." I wheezed.

"Cross! Are you alright?!" Usopp asked as he rushed to my side and helped support me.

"Y-hurk..." I wheezed miserably as I massaged my aching throat. "Yeah, I'm fine..." I sent an acrid glare up at Robin, who I was gratified to see was shaking her hand out with a marginally annoyed frown. "I'll be better once she's gone and Soundbite's back."

"Yeah, I hear y- wait a... Cross, stand very still."

"Say wha-?" I tried to look over my shoulder at him in confusion, but my attention was diverted by a voice that I was rapidly coming to associate with the phrase 'enjoying this way too goddamn much'.

"Well now," Robin purred in a dangerous tone. "I suppose I should admire you for your tenacity, if nothing else. But really, I thought that much would have been enough. After all, it's not like you cut the most impressive-"

"FIRE STAR!"

"Ah- Agh!"/"YEARGH!"

Both Robin and I yelped simultaneously as Usopp set the back of my goddamned coat on fire, with Robin flinching for a second before cringing in pain while I howled in shock and hastily ripped the flaming cloth off my back.

"WHAT THE HELL-?!" I made to roar in Usopp's face...

"LONG-NOSED BED-WETTING SEA-KING-SHAGGING ASSHAT!"

When a very familiar-sounding rant came from the smoldering remains of my coat.

"Soundbite!" I yelped, hastily grabbing a safe part of the cloth and shaking it enough to dislodge a slightly charred but otherwise whole checker-patterned snail shell from what was left of the hood. I hastily scooped the baby snail up and dusted him off as best I could. "Soundbite, are you alright?"

The gastropod's eyestalks poked out of his shell, alongside a puff of smoke and a slight cough. "BEEN BETTER, but I'll live." He turned his eyestalks on Usopp in a heated glare. "No thanks TO HIM."

"What?" Usopp scoffed. "You're a tough snail, you can handle a little fire, can't ya?"

"BITE ME!" my snail roared at a nigh-deafening volume.

I cast a flat glare at Usopp. "Did you actually know he was in there?"

The sniper elected to shrug innocently in response. "I saw something moving in your hood, I just decided not to take any chances. Simple as that."

I blinked as I processed the statement for a moment before casting a surreptitious glance up at Robin. As I suspected, she was currently waving out one of her arms, which was now sporting both an array of light burns and, I was pleased to note, what appeared to be a bitemark that encircled her thumb.

So she'd sprouted her hand in my hood, swiped Soundbite when I wasn't looking, and stashed him mere inches from being literally beneath my nose while keeping him both still and silent. Damn... I might have feared and resented Robin at the moment, but hell if I couldn't respect her, if for nothing more than her skills.

"Hmph..." Robin sniffed as she gingerly flexed her hand, giving us a look that held what appeared to be a hint of begrudging respect, if nothing else. "Well, it appears you're all at least a little interesting after all. For the record, I'm not here on assignment. I have no reason to fight you, I merely wished to talk. The only reason I took your little snail was that I didn't want him noticing me before I was ready. I must say, he's quite the..." Her thumb twitched imperceptibly. "Turbulent fellow, isn't he?"

"Took your thumb clean off, huh?" I asked with a smirk. If the way her thumb twitched again was anything to go by, I was dead on the money.

"And I'm hungry FOR MORE!" Soundbite snarled with a malevolent, toothy grin.

"Keep talking like that to a woman as beautiful as her and you'll wind up on the menu, crap-snail," Sanji warned darkly.

"Sanji, would you mind doing me a favor?"

"Yes, Nami-Swan~?"

"Just this once? Drop it."

"ERK! Y-yes, my dear... hurk!"

"...Did you seriously just cough up blood?"

"Cram it, Zoro, I'm currently at war with myself!"

"And I thought you were pathetic before, crap cook."

"SHOVE IT, MARIMO! MY NATURAL INSTINCTS ARE FIGHTING EACH OTHER TO THE DEATH HERE!"

"Hahahaha!" The argument was broken up by the sound of Robin laughing lightly into her unmolested hand. "It seems I need to correct myself; you're all quite interesting indeed."

"RAAAGH!"

Without missing so much as a beat, Robin slid to the side on the railing, allowing Luffy to leap past where she'd been just moments before and tumble across the main deck for a second before flipping back to his feet.

"And you're the most interesting of all, aren't you?" she chuckled, a slight glimmer of... something shining in her eyes as she examined Luffy. "Captain of the Straw Hat Pirates, Monkey D. Luffy."

"RAAAGH! SHUT UP!" Luffy bellowed furiously. "I DON'T WANNA HEAR IT! YOU HURT MY CREW, AND YOU TIED ME UP IN KNOTS!"

"Was only a matter of time until someone tried it..." I muttered, more to myself than anyone.

"SHE-WITCH, SHE-WITCH!" Soundbite bit out furiously.

"Hmph..." Robin chuckled. "Still, no matter how much interest you promise, your luck is even worse. You're all being hunted by Baroque Works because you befriended a princess, and you, poor princess, only have a pirate crew for protection. Though of course..." Her grin widened even further. "Your next destination is the worst luck of all." Aaaaaand then her grin became outright demonic. "Little Garden. One of the few islands on the Grand Line that guarantees I needn't bother with killing you at all. After all, you'll never be a threat to Baroque Works ever again."

"SAYS YOU!" Luffy roared furiously at her.

"Says me indeed. Unless, of course..." There was a momentary blur at Robin's side before an object was tossed out at Vivi, who nearly muffed the catch but held on nevertheless.

"What is it?" Carue quacked cautiously as he peered over Vivi's shoulder.

"An... an Eternal Pose!" Vivi gasped in surprise.

"Indeed," Robin nodded with an only borderline-evil smile. "That Pose leads to Nanimonai Island, an island just one stop away from Alabasta. With that Pose, you can avoid many of the dangers of the sea, and it's a relatively unknown route to boot. You'd be unmolested by our agents the entire way."

"Wait..." Nami blinked in confusion. "So she's helping us?"

"But... why would you possibly give this to us!?" Vivi demanded incredulously.

"It's probably a trap," Zoro posited blandly.

"Personally, I say it's more like she's toying with us," I suggested matter-of-factly.

"Eitha' way, I don't twust her as faw as I can thwow her..." Carue grumbled as he shot the evil eye at the woman.

"D-d-ditto..." Usopp gulped nervously.

Soundbite's response was to growl and snarl murderously in a manner not unlike a rabid hound.

As we made our suggestions, Vivi was silent, contemplating the Eternal Pose with a carefully composed expression.

However, before she could say anything, Luffy snatched the Pose out of her hands with a huff. "Who asked you?"

And with that, he effortlessly crunched the Pose in his grip.

Barely a second passed before Nami kicked him square in the face. "HAVE YOU COMPLETELY LOST YOUR MIND!?" she screeched incredulously.

"Is she sewious?" Carue hissed out of the corner of his beak.

"Hard to tell..." Usopp replied.

"CRAM IT, YOU TWO!" our navigator roared at the two of them, prompting them to cower before her righteous fury. Nami then proceeded to redirect her ire back at Luffy. "She just gave us an easy out! What if she was actually helping us!?"

"Doesn't matter!" Luffy huffed with a scowl. "Nobody's going to decide what our course is for us!"

That drew a moment of shock from everyone, during which they were forced to re-evaluate their opinions of Luffy.

"But... I... ah..." Nami stammered helplessly in search of a response.

"Captain's orders, Nami," I grinned as I clapped her on the shoulder. "Wouldn't want to be accused of mutiny, would you?"

"Yeah, Nami." Our navigator shivered as Zoro suddenly appeared on her other side, mirroring my own actions, albeit with a tighter grip. "You do know what the traditional punishment is for mutiny, right?"

"STRING her UP! STRING her UP!" Soundbite crowed with a chortle.

"But-but-but-but-!" Nami sputtered as she snapped her eyes between Zoro and I rapidly for a moment before scowling and slapping us both upside the head. "Jerks!" she huffed as she stomped away from us, a luminescent blush and a rather adorable pout decorating her face.

Despite the stinging throb that was pounding at the back of my head, I couldn't help but snicker as Nami marched off. "Is it just me, or does she make things too easy sometimes?"

"FUN fun fun FUN!" Soundbite concurred.

"You have no idea, brat," Zoro smirked in agreement.

"Ah well..." Robin sighed with a smile as she stood up and strutted over to the side of the Merry. "That's just too bad. There's really nothing I can do to convince you otherwise?"

"No way!" Luffy stuck his tongue out in protest. "You blew up the roller guy, so I don't like you!"

"OH CRAM IT, WILL YOU!?" Nami snarled as she rammed a firm chop on Luffy's head.

"Oh, it's alright, I don't mind," Robin chuckled. "I've heard worse. We'll meet again one day, Straw Hat Luffy. If you survive, anyways."

"I hope not," Luffy snorted.

With a final chuckle, Robin vaulted over the side of the Merry, falling out of sight. Running to the edge of the ship, I looked over and caught sight of Robin seating herself on a shaded sofa positioned on the back of a rather large turtle wearing a cowboy hat and smoking a cigarette.

Come to think of it, what had happened to that thing after Alabasta?

"Let's go, Bunchi," she ordered calmly, to which the turtle responded with a snort.

Thinking fast, I hastily piped up. "HEY!"

Robin glanced up at me with a vague hint of curiosity.

"We will meet again, 'Miss All Sunday'," I promised. "And after we do, one day," I tilted my head back and indicated my neck. "I will get you back for this."

Robin blinked in surprise before smiling in challenge. "Is that so?"

I shot back a wide grin of my own. "You can count on it."

Robin's grin widened a hint more before she turned around and gave some unseen command to her turtle, prompting it to accelerate away.

I cocked an eyebrow as I watched our future crewmate sail into the distance. Big words from me, and I knew that they were true, sure... there was just one problem with them: I had absolutely no idea as to how the hell I was going to get back at her.

...eh, ah well. I'll just do the same thing I've been doing this entire time: make it up as I go along.

"Woooow, cool turtle!" I was broken out of my thoughts by Luffy whistling in awe. "And it's a big one too!"

"Argh!" Vivi suddenly cried out, rubbing her temples furiously.

"Huh?" Luffy blinked back at the Princess in confusion. "What's wrong? Do you not like turtles or something?"

"No, no..." Vivi growled out in frustration. "I... that woman is almost as secretive as Crocodile, if not more so. I just wish I knew what her game was."

"At a glance," I made a show of looking back the way Robin had gone. "I'm going to say... baccarat?"

That drew a flurry of squawky-cackling from Carue, which subsided almost as quickly when Vivi sent a cold glare at him. "What? That was funny!"

"Thank you, thank you, I'll be here forever!" I gave a mock-bow.

"You've been warned, people!" Soundbite snorted with a grin.

"You stole that from Futurama," I hissed out of the corner of my mouth.

"NOT THE FIRST, not the last!" Soundbite muttered back.

"Anyways..." Nami patted Vivi's back consolingly. "She's gone for now and we probably won't have to deal with her until we reach Alabasta. It's no use worrying about it until then, right?"

Vivi chewed her lip sadly for a moment, but nodded in agreement nevertheless.

"Besides," Zoro scoffed as he worked one of the lines to Merry's mainsail. "It's not like this is anything new for us. We deal with scheming women on a daily basis."

"Oh Sanji~."

"Of course, Nami-swan~!"

THWACK!

"OW!"

"DON'T SAY SUCH THINGS ABOUT NAMI-SWAN, MARIMO!"

"EAT THE CRAP YOU COOK AND DIE, SHIT-CHEF!"

"Is it always this cwazy awound heeyah?" Carue asked Luffy quietly as he carefully watched the brawl go down.

"Allow me to answer that question!" I offered eagerly before proceeding to smash my fist down over Usopp's skull.

"OUCH! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR!?" the sniper howled.

"FOR SETTING ME ON FIRE, JACKASS!" I shouted back.

"YEAH!" Soundbite concurred.

"THAT WAS MY FAVORITE GODDAMN JACK-OUCH!" I winced as Soundbite proceeded to do his level best to chew my ear off.

"Ah... excuse me?"

The commotion ground to a halt as Vivi hesitantly spoke up, all of us looking at her questioningly.

"I... I just want to apologize for all of this," Vivi explained somberly as she rubbed her arm. "I... I'm putting you all in danger by being here, so..."

"Excuse me?" Nami stated flatly before poking Vivi's forehead with an annoyed expression. "The reason we're in danger is because of what you said. If you didn't want us to be in danger, you shouldn't have told us that Mister Zero was a freaking Warlord."

Vivi flinched slightly before looking away with in embarrassment. "I said I was sorry..."

"Yeah yeah, whatever." Our navigator rolled her eyes with a smile. "The reason you're here is that we made a deal with Igaram, and I always make sure to pay back my deals."

"LIES!" I and everyone who wasn't Sanji or Luffy roared in response.

"OH SHUT UP!" Nami snarled back at us. "I might skew deals in my favor every once in awhile, but I still fulfill them!"

"Right, 'once in awhile'..." Zoro snorted.

Nami flipped her middle finger at the swordsman before smiling at Vivi anew. "But anyways, don't worry about a thing. We'll get you home, no matter what. Right, Luffy?"

"Hey, Sanji, I'm hungry! Cook us dinner!"

"You just ate, dipshit!"

"So?"

"Ergh..."

"Actually, Luffy, it's - ahhh..." I interrupted myself with a wide yawn as I rubbed my eyes drearily, my tiredness suddenly catching up with me all at once. "It's a bit... make that really late for dinner. Does anyone know what time it is?"

"Uh..." Usopp wracked his brain for a second before holding himself up on Merry's railing. "I think o'dark thirty at night? Definitely past midnight..."

"We've been up all night..." Nami groaned as she kneaded the bridge of her nose miserably.

"No way in hell we can keep going for long..." I grumbled to myself before clapping my hands firmly. "Alright, how about this? We sail for a bit to get away from Whiskey Peak, then we drop anchor and sleep until sunrise?"

"But I'm hungraaaaaaaaah..." Luffy's whining was cut off as it slowly morphed into a jaw-stretching yawn. He blinked blearily for a second before slumping his shoulders with a sigh. "Yeah, alright, fine. I'll just grab a snack before going to bed."

Sanji hastily clamped a hand down on our captain's shoulder. "I'll make you a snack, Luffy."

"But it won't be a looot..."

"It won't be half our supplies either, that's for damn sure."

"That's the problem..."

"GLUTTON!" Soundbite snickered.

"Alright, enough fun and games," Zoro announced tiredly. "Let's get out of here and hit the hay."

"Aye-aye to that..." I mumbled in agreement.

A few minutes of work later, the cactus rocks of Whiskey Peak disappeared into the dark horizon and I allowed my consciousness to slip into darkness as I practically fell into my hammock.

-o-

I was awoken the next morning at the time "half past way-too-frikkin'-early" by the once-pleasant sound of Vivi's voice, which didn't sound nearly so pleasant at max volume while trying to sleep.

"-et up! The sky is starting to light up, you need to wake up already!"

"Not until the sun is actually up and not a second sooner..." I moaned miserably as I curled up in my hammock.

"But you need to man the sails! The sea-!"

"Soundbite, can you hear any icebergs or Sea Kings coming at us?" I whined tiredly.

"Noooo..." Soundbite echoed out of his shell.

"Now, unless we're about to fall off the end of the earth, then please, let me sleeeeep..."

"I agree with the brat..." Zoro grumbled.

"I apologize, Princess, but I'm siding with snail-mail on this one..." Sanji concurred.

"Long live the Commie..." Usopp piped up.

"Meeeeat..." Luffy drooled slightly.

For a single, sweet, glorious moment, there was silence. Then...

"Oh Ca~rue~"

"Mwaaa...?"

"You still like Katorean bread, right?"

"...yeah?"

"Well, I still have some saved up right here," My heart dropped as I heard the sound of a crinkling bag ring out. "I was going to hold onto it for an appropriate time, buuut if you were to help me get these guys awake..."

"QUAWAWAWAAAACK!"

"YEAR-!" THUMP! "OUCH!" I yelped in pain and panic as a flailing supersonic duck rammed into me and spun me out of my hammock, dumping me onto the ground, followed swiftly by the rest of the guys.

"Ungrateful FOWL!" Soundbite howled viciously.

"Cwam it, pintsize!" Carue huffed as he crossed his wings petulantly. "Kantowean bwead is dewicious! I have no wegwets! Also, gwateful?! I sound wike a fweaking kid on hewium! Change my voice alweady!"

"AFTER THIS!? NEVER!"

"Carue, I'd say I was sorry about you just screwing yourself out of a better voice, but honestly?" I couldn't help but shoot a smirk at the duck. "Considering the circumstances... yeah, I'm not even remotely sorry. All in favor?"

"Aye!" four very frustrated and tired voices cried out in agreement.

"But-but-but-!... awwww fiddleshticks... WILL YOU STOP WAUGHING AT ME ALWEADY!?"

"Only when you stop emphasizing your speech impediment."

"I DON'T HAVE A FWEAKING SPEECH IMPEDIMENT!"

"You do now!" I chortled.

"Vi-viiii..." Carue whined up at the princess miserably.

"Sorry, Carue," Vivi giggled. "To be fair, you did knock them out of bed."

"Because you asked me to!"

"And here's your reward for it." Vivi tossed a few slices of bread down onto the duck, which he started nomming on tearfully. "Now would you all please get up here already?"

"Do we have any other choice?" I growled more to myself than anyone as I plunked Soundbite down on my shoulder and climbed the ladder out of our room.

"Hey, Sanji! I'm hungry! Make us breakfast!" Luffy whooped as he leapt out ahead of me.

"On it," Sanji nodded as he started to stride towards the kitchen. "Pastries and bacon with sweetened tangerine juice, coming up. Cross, no pulp for you, right?"

"Hallelujah, the man knows me!" I cried out in relief.

"Mm... what's with all the racket?" Nami groaned as she poked her head out of the storage room, still clad in her pajamas.

"Ah, good morning Nami-swan!" Sanji gushed eagerly. "I'm on my way to make breakfast, would you care for anything special?"

"Uh...?" Nami blinked blearily as she processed what Sanji had said. "No, I think I'm good... wait, Vivi, you were actually serious about waking up at this hour!?"

"Of course I was!" Vivi sputtered incredulously. "I mean, this is the Grand Line! It's dangerous around here! We can't underestimate it for even a moment!"

Nami paled slightly before casting a fearful glance at me. "Cross?"

A glance at Soundbite awarded me with a shake of his head. "Still no icebergs, Nami."

"Oh thank god..." Nami sagged in relief.

"There won't be anymore icebergs!" Vivi huffed furiously. "Or at least, there won't be anything as psychotic as what we went through earlier! That stretch of sea is just insane because of Reverse Mountain's conflicting magnetic fields. But nonetheless, the Grand Line is still dangerous! You can't even relax for a moment!"

"Oh, come on!" Usopp scoffed. "What's the worst that could happen?" I didn't even bother hiding my wince at the phrase.

"I don't know!" Vivi flung her arms up in frustration. "That's the exact problem! Anything could happen! As such, you need to be ready at all times!"

As if in response, Sanji swept out of the Merry's kitchen, brandishing an array of plates and glasses with nigh inhuman balance. "Breakfast is ready!"

"Suh-weet!" I crowed as I made to scoop up one of the plates. "Thank you, love cook!"

"Actually, this one's yours." Sanji twisted himself slightly as he handed me a plate that seemed to have double the bacon others had, as well as a bowl of greens.

"Whaaaat? Aw c'mon, I get the veggies are for Soundbite, but how come Cross gets more meat?!" Luffy whined petulantly.

"Because Crocus said Cross needs plenty of protein to help fix him, that's why!" Sanji barked before rolling his eyes and twisting himself again to proffer another plate to the rubberman, this one with even more bacon than mine had. "And besides, you're getting plenty of bacon as is."

"WOOHOO!" Luffy crowed as he snatched up the plate and a glass before striding over to plop down on his special seat between Merry's horns.

"Oh, and here." Sanji lifted his foot and offered me a glass. "It'll taste a little weird, but that's because of the bonemeal ground up in it for additional calcium."

I shrugged as I took the glass. "Hey, whatever gets me up to speed faster."

"And before I forget, there are two bowls of lettuce waiting in the fridge. You know, for the baby transponder snails."

"Thanks, I'll check on them once I'm through with breakfast." I nodded at him in thanks before wandering over to one of the railings and relaxing against it as I chowed down, plopping Soundbite down next to the lettuce bowl, which he proceeded to dig into with gusto.

Noticing Carue nibbling on his bread nearby, I waved in an attempt to catch his attention. "Hey, Carue?"

The supersonic duck shot me a sidelong glare. "What?"

I raised my hands in surrender. "Just for the record, the only reason I don't get Soundbite to change the voice he's giving you is that I can't make him do what I say if he really doesn't want to do it."

"Got that right!" Soundbite piped up.

"So..." I proffered a piece of one of my pastries. "Peace offering?"

Carue eyed the baked good warily for a moment before snapping it up into his beak and chewing it morosely. "...I'm not weawwy mad about the voice..." he grumbled. "It's just annoying that you keep waughing at it is all..."

"And if it really bothers you then yeah, I'll stop. But still..." I shot the duck a cheeky grin. "You've got to admit, the voice is pretty funny."

Carue considered the statement for a moment before covering his snickering beak with one of his wings. "Yeah... awright, so it's a widdle funny..."

I slowly widened my smirk. "So, can I convince you to tell me about the little girl who sells sea shells-?"

"Aw, go ta hell!" Carue cackled as he cuffed the side of my head with his wing.

"A-are they supposed to be doing that!?" Vivi demanded furiously as she indicated us all lazing about without so much as a care in the world.

"I don't see why not," Nami shrugged as she savored the freshly-baked bagel Sanji had given her. "These guys are all pretty smart, they'll jump to it if something comes up. Here, have something to eat," Nami continued, offering an extra plate and glass she'd taken off Sanji. "You must be famished."

Vivi made to protest, but was cut off by a medium-volume growl that came from her stomach. She bowed her head in an effort to hide her blush as she accepted the plate. "Well... alright. B-but I'm still not sure about this..."

"Your call, but... come on!" Nami grinned as she waved around the deck. "Look around you."

"Hey, Usopp, do you think you can make us some fishing gear?" Luffy queried as he inhaled his bacon.

"Yeah, some fishing gear would be useful..." Zoro mused.

"I wouldn't say no to an emergency source of food, that's for sure," I concurred.

"No worries! I'll whip up some high-quality deluxe fishing rods before you know it!" Usopp assured us eagerly.

"Hey Carue, you're a duck, you ever fish before?" Sanji queried curiously.

"Nah, not weally," Carue shrugged indifferently. "I was waised in the pawace awongside Vivi and the west of the Supahsonic Duck Squawdwon. Nevah weally had da chance, ya know?"

"So you were HOUSE-?" Soundbite started to pipe up with a grin.

"Watch it, you!" Carue warned him testily.

"Doesn't a ship like this and guys like these..." Nami's grin widened ever so slightly. "Make your cares just wash away?"

Vivi was silent as she considered us for a moment before sighing and finally allowing herself to smile. "Yeah... yeah, I guess it's a little relaxing..."

Our peaceful breakfast persisted for a few moments longer until Luffy suddenly piped up without warning.

"Hey guys, look!" he crowed eagerly, pointing ahead of the Merry. "The sun's starting to come up!"

Moving quickly, we all joined Luffy at the prow, staring excitedly out at the horizon where, indeed, the sun was starting to peek over the ocean.

"Wow..." Vivi breathed in awe. "That's beautiful..."

"Yeah..." I nodded slowly in agreement, raising my arm to indicate the array of colors that were painting the sky. "I mean, check out the way the sunlight is refracting off the- wait..." I blinked in confusion. "Those aren't clouds... is that fog?"

"Um..." Nami narrowed her eyes as she shaded them. "I... don't think so? Looks like... mist? How the heck-?"

Without so much as a hint of warning, Soundbite suddenly started wailing and thrashing on my shoulder. "AWOOGA! AWOOGA! Mayday, mayday! TURN AROUND! 360 degrees! GO GO GO! Danger, Will Robinson, danger!"

I gave the snail a confused look. "Soundbite, what the hell are you-?!"

"SHUT UP AND LISTEN, FOOL!"

Blinking in confusion, I slid my earphones on... and nearly jumped out of my skin at what I heard. "Oh no way in hell..."

"What is it, brat?" Zoro asked, a note of urgency in his voice.

Moving as fast as I could, I hastily ran to the Merry's rigging and clambered up into the crow's nest. I unfolded the spyglass hidden within, peered at the horizon, praying I was wrong... and was promptly proven terribly, terribly right.

"Guuuuys..." I started slowly. "The anchor is still down, right?"

"Yeah, why?" Sanji asked with a hint of dread.

"LONG-NOSE and CROSS JINXED US!" Soundbite howled furiously.

"Uh... what's he talking about?" Usopp asked in confusion.

"Weeeeell..." I slid down the rigging and hopped back onto the deck. "Remember how you asked what was the worst that could happen?"

"Yeeeeaaaah?" Usopp said uneasily.

"And remember what I told Vivi would get me out of bed?"

Everyone save Nami considered for a moment before paling in horror.

"N-no way..." Vivi stammered.

"You can't be serious..." Sanji whimpered weakly.

Nami swallowed heavily as she took in the mood. "Cross... what did you say would make you get up?"

I held out the spyglass with a flat look. "Us falling over the ends of the earth."

Moving faster than I thought she possibly could, Nami swiped the spyglass from my hand and snapped it out to its full length, staring out at the horizon for a moment before losing just about every drop of blood her face could possibly spare.

"Sooo... yeah..." I grimaced as I scratched the back of my head. "It looks like the Grand Line might think it has something of a sense of humor."

"WE'RE HEADING STRAIGHT TOWARDS A WATERFALL!" Nami shrieked in horror.

"Actually, seeing how we're still anchored? It would appear that that waterfall is heading straight towards us," I pointed out helpfully.

"Not helping, Cross," Nami snapped, eerily calm all of a sudden. "Zoro, Luffy, weigh the anchor. Sanji, man the whipstaff. Usopp, drop the mainsail. Cross, the mizen. Vivi, help him. Carue, please try not to be underfoot."

For a single moment, we were frozen as we stared at Nami in confusion.

"RIGHT GODDAMN NOW, GODDAMNIT!" Nami howled furiously. For the briefest of moments, I could have sworn her teeth became sharp and demonic enough to pass for those of a demon-shark.

"ON IT!" we all chorused in terror, rushing to man our assigned posts.

"Is she always this terrifying!?" Vivi hissed at me as she helped me unfurl the Merry's red-and-white candy-stripe mizzensail.

"Ohhhh, nononono..." I shook my head in denial as I yanked on a rope in order to pull the sail into position. "Not even close."

"Oh thank god..." Vivi sighed in relief.

"NAMI, IT'S GETTING CLOSER!" Luffy shouted from somewhere.

"START ROWING YOU MORONS! HURRY!"

I shuddered heavily as I ran to join the guys on the oars. "As you can see, she can be far worse!"

"Oh-dear-we're-gonna-die..." Vivi whimpered as she followed behind me before eep-ing in terror as she was suddenly grabbed by her collar and wrenched face-to-face with a very demonic-looking Nami.

"Not if I have anything to say about it!" Nami hissed out through her demented smile. "NOW ROW!"

"ROWING!" Vivi squeaked in agreement as she jumped to the task.

"YOU TOO, DUCK!"

"YES MA'AM!" Carue squawked as he joined us.

For the next hour or so, the Going Merry was a goddamn madhouse as we wrestled furiously with the ocean, fighting tooth and nail to outstrip the massive hole in the water that seemed to be bearing down on us.

Finally though, after what felt like an eternity, we finally managed to escape it, floating placidly on a mercifully calm expanse of water.

"So Vivi..." I wheezed heavily as I lazed over the Merry's railing. "I think you said something... something about us needing to be ready to move at any moment...?"

"Please shut up..." Vivi bemoaned wearily as she massaged her throbbing muscles.

"Anybody else want to point out an impending danger so we can get our panicking over with right now instead of later?" Nami groaned as she shot a slight glare at me, which I hastily raised my hands in surrender to.

"Nope!"

"NO thanks!"

"No..."

"Not at all, Nami-swan!"

"Cross is gonna be the third mate."

"I'm good..."

"Perfect..." Nami allowed herself to slump to the floor...

Before snapping her head around to stare at Luffy, along with the rest of us. "SAY WHAT!?" we all hollered at him in confusion.

Luffy blinked for a second before shrugging and giving us a wide grin. "Cross is gonna be our third mate! Oh, and our taciturnician! Oh, and Nami's our second mate!"

"I... think you mean 'tactician'...?" I corrected automatically before double-taking as I processed what he'd said. "Wait, what!? Tactician!? I thought I was the Commi-unications Officer!?" I demanded, hastily switching the words at the last second.

"And you are," Luffy nodded in agreement. "But you're pretty smart at figuring out plans too, so you're gonna be doing that as well!"

I made to protest... then paused as I recalled what Luffy had said last night. "Can't cook, can't lie, can't navigate..." I repeated to myself, realization sweeping over me.

The rest of the Straw Hats stiffened in shock for a second before relaxing as they understood as well.

"So..." I started slowly. "You're not mad about me giving orders?"

"Nah!" Luffy waved his hand with a smile. "You're not trying to be the captain, right?"

"Oh hell no!" I shook my head frantically. "Even if I had that kind of delusion, everyone else would be liable to lynch me if I even thought of starting a mutiny!"

"Then it's alright! You're good at making plans, so I'm just gonna let you keep making them!" Luffy nodded firmly, as though it all made sense. Which, for some reason, it actually did.

"Well... alright then..." I nodded slowly in agreement.

"But... hang on!" Nami interjected. "What about me being second mate and him being third!? Do you even know what those positions mean!?"

"Uh, yeah?" Luffy tilted his head in confusion. "Third mate is fourth in command, second mate is third in command, and first mate is second. Which doesn't really make a lot of sense, but-!"

"She means!" I piped up hastily. "Why are you giving us those positions? I mean, Nami I can understand, she gives us tons of orders all the time- valid ones!" I hastily yelped as the navigator shot a frigid glare at me. "Valid orders, very valid and very invaluable orders, but still! She's obviously unofficially held the position for awhile now, but... but me!? How in the heck do I count as third!?"

Luffy blinked at me before tilting his head in confusion. "Well... Why not you? I mean..." He looked over the rest of the crew questioningly. "Anyone not alright with it?"

Usopp considered for a moment before puffing out his chest. "Despite being the third to join the crew, I, the Great Cap-! Er... The Great Sniper Usopp, shall gracefully abdicate the position! You may thank me appropriately at a later date."

Sanji puffed on his cigarette thoughtfully for a second before shrugging indifferently. "Eh, so long as you can do your job, I guess." He narrowed a glare at me. "But if you screw up I'll boot you out of the position so fast that your head will spin right off."

Nami scrutinized me momentarily before blowing out a heavy sigh. "Talking Luffy out of anything is beyond futile as is, no reason to add on to it. Besides..." She grinned at me cattily. "I suppose things could be worse."

Zoro was the worst of them all. He just... stared at me.

And stared at me.

And stared at me...

"If you're trying to imitate Crocus, then congratulations, you've succeeded with gusto," I finally managed to get out with a minimum of wavering in my voice.

For whatever reason, that somehow did the trick, prompting Zoro to nod firmly at me with a positive-sounding grunt. "Don't screw this up." And without further ado, he slumped against the Merry's railing, arms crossed behind his head as he closed his eyes and allowed the sound of snoring to erupt moments later.

I gaped at everyone in disbelief before hastily snapping my jaws shut. "W...well then... I... guess that's that then, isn't it?" I shrugged helplessly. "Alright then. So be it. I accept. Thanks Luffy, a lot."

"Shishishi!" Luffy chuckled impishly. "No problem!"

"Um... excuse me?" Vivi spoke up hesitantly. "But... I'm confused. If Mister Jeremiah is third and Nami is second, then... who's first?"

"Zoro," the crew and I chorused unceremoniously as we pointed at the snoozing swordsman, who appeared to let loose a particularly loud snore in response.

Vivi's eye twitched slightly for a moment before a grin slowly spread across her face. "You know... somehow, that doesn't surprise me in the least."

And so, after we shared a few laughs, we proceeded to set the sails anew and head off, sailing towards Little Garden.

We... didn't actually get there any time soon.

See, one thing Oda didn't show us readers? Travel time. Lots and lots of travel time. Most of it was peaceful, to be sure, boring even, but honestly? The fact was that whether we liked it - or in Vivi's case, despite her never voicing it, not - it took us a little over three weeks to make the trip from Whiskey Peak to the ever-looming Little Garden.

Still... no matter how boring some parts of it might have been, there were certainly memorable moments to go around.

Some were... notably unpleasant...

-o-

"Ohhh gooood..." I moaned as I lay lifeless on Merry's deck, my entire body feeling as though it were either on fire or close to it. "Kiiiiill meeeee..."

"Glad to..." Usopp growled darkly from where he was lying nose-first on the deck. "If you agree to kill me first. Remind me again why you roped us into getting tortured by Zoro along with you?"

"Because all three of us are as weak as shit and we need to get stronger unless we want to die like bitches..." I ground out miserably.

"Oh yeah..."

"One day you'll pay for this, Cwoss..." Carue ground out from where he was hanging off the Merry's wall by his embedded beak.

"That's all well and good..." Nami snarled from where she was propped up against the Merry's railing, with Vivi. "But would you mind telling me how and why you got Sanji to put us through the exact same thing!?"

I couldn't help but chuckle and plaster a sickly grin on my face. "Oh, that was easy. First, I convinced Sanji that he couldn't be everywhere at once and that sooner or later the 'princesses' would need to learn how to fight without their knight in shining armor. Then, I convinced him that the more you hurt now, the less you'd hurt later. Finally, I laid down an ultimatum: If he didn't handle your training, then he'd have to let either Zoro or Luffy do it instead." I half-chuckled half-wheezed in dark amusement. "I think he almost popped a blood vessel making his decision."

"Mister Jeremiah..." Vivi huffed heavily. "No offense... but I think I hate you... I think I hate you a lot."

"Stop calling me that..." I ground out.

The sound of boots approaching on the deck caused me to turn my head, and I paled as I caught sight of Zoro standing above me, grinning a very disturbing grin. "Hmm," Zoro hummed to himself. "Well, if you have the energy to complain, let alone laugh, you have the energy to keep going. Up and at 'em, maggots!"

"I'm so sorry, my dears, but the marimo's right. You've had a long enough break as is. We need to... hurk! Keep... going..."

A chorus of moans rang out in response.

"Shishishi! Man, you guys are hilarious!"

"EIN ZWEI DREI! EIN ZWEI DREI! EIN ZWEI DREI!"

"SHUT UP, SOUNDBITE!" we all chorused furiously.

-o-

Other experiences were actually quite humorous!

-o-

"You know, you girls are lucky," I stated through a nice and wide grin.

"Oh yeah?" Nami queried, her own grin matching mine tooth for tooth. "How so?"

"Have you ever heard the word 'hentai' before?"

"I... might have picked up one or two such magazines in the past..." Vivi whistled innocently through her own grin.

"One or two dozen more wike!" Carue snickered as he chowed down on a bucket of popcorn he'd acquired from somewhere.

"Oh hush you!" Vivi snorted as she slapped the back of his head lightly. "But... yeah, I see your point. This is far more pleasant. For most of us, anyways."

"HOW'S IT GOING, LUFFY?" Usopp managed to call out through his laughter.

"WILL YOU GUYS - OW! - STOP LAUGHING AND -AGH!- SAVE ME ALREADY!?" our captain howled above us, where a mass of large, gelatinous tentacles were poking, prodding and stretching him energetically, all the while squirming and folding around his wild punches with ease. "THESE THINGS STING LIKE - YEOWCH! - HECK, AND I'M NOT AN - OWOWOWOWOW! - TOY!"

"Should we save him?" Zoro asked with a chuckle, fingering his swords all the while.

"Oh, I don't know..." Sanji mused, his chuckling making it a bit hard for him to take a tug from his cigarette. "I think the tentacles could stand to be a little more tenderized."

"Five more minutes, just five more minutes!" I begged them breathlessly. "That bastard's eaten my bodyweight in my own food since I've joined, this is the most therapeutic thing I've ever seen!"

"YEEHAW! RIDE 'EM COW-PIRATE!" Soundbite whooped.

"JERKS!"

-o-

And some things were... just plain, flat-out weird.

-o-

"Okay..." I sighed wearily as I kneaded my throbbing temples. "One more time... why did you try to drown Luffy in a bucket of water?"

"Because 'e was suppressing our natural rights as snails 'e was!" the narrower and longer of the two transponder snails replied in a cockney accent, his chuckling showing off an impressive pair of buckteeth.

"Indeed," the shorter and stockier snail nodded in agreement, his droning voice devoid of all emotion save annoyance. "That imbecile is unworthy of leading a pack of lemmings off a cliff, much less a pirate ship bearing a being with my vast intelligence on board. We simply thought to restore the natural order of things."

"Yeh, yeh, what 'e said!" The taller snail nodded in agreement.

My eye twitched furiously as I stared down at the pair, trying to get an accurate handle on just what the hell I was looking at.

As if to pack things on, the taller snail suddenly piped up with a "Narf!"

"Alright, I get it!" I broke out furiously as I cast a glare at a cackling Soundbite. I pointed at the taller snail. "Pinkie." Then the smaller one. "Brain. Happy now!?"

"MUCH!" Soundbite snickered.

"Woohoo! Ain't it great, Brain? We got names now!"

"Yes, we have been labelled by our bipedal masters, thus furthering our objectification. Joy."

"Great!" I clapped my hands together in frustration. "Now tell them to stop trying to kill us before I let Sanji fry them up in a pan!"

"I abjectly refuse to abandon my righteous crusade against your noxious-"

"CRAM IT, STOW IT, AND QUIT IT!" Soundbite roared out.

"Yes sir!" Pinkie and the Brain cowered partway in their shells almost instantly.

"Great..." I sighed in relief. "Now, you can stay out here for now, but any more trouble and it's back in the bag. Got it?"

"Aye aye, sir..." The pair nodded in agreement, albeit with varying amounts of enthusiasm.

"Perfect. Now, if you'll excuse me..." I turned around, strode to the cantina's door and poked my head outside. "We're good. Apparently Soundbite's Devil Fruit gives him a lot of weight with his species."

"Gooood..." Nami crooned in a faux saccharine voice that was almost as light and syrupy as the tar and feathers that she was covered in. "And for the record? If they ever pull anything like this again? I will personally throw them overboard, and you with them. Capiche?"

I made to answer... then winced as a thunk and a squawk came from the lower deck.

"Hey guys, I managed to get the barrel off Carue's head!" Usopp called up. "Now could someone help me dunk him into the ocean to get the flour out of his feathers?"

I nodded weakly in agreement. "Capiche..."

"I'm glad we managed to settle this..." Vivi piped up weakly, prompting us to look up at where she was hanging from the main mast via a rope snare tied around her ankle. "Now could someone please get me one of my Peacock Slashers? The blood is starting to rush to my head..."

-o-

But eventually, our little vacation had to come to an end.

"There it is..." Nami breathed as she held the Log Pose up to her eye in order to confirm her suspicions. "After Whiskey Peak, this is our next destination on the Grand Line."

I nodded slowly in numb awe as I watched the island slowly start to loom in the distance.

There it was: one of the greatest deathtraps in the Grand Line.

An island of Giants.

An island of dinosaurs.

An island where death could come in a million and one forms...

But out of all those forms, only one mattered to me at the moment.

This form of death came in the shape of a small tick, which carried within itself an even smaller and even deadlier virus.

And unless I did something? That death would come within hours of taking one of our crew.

The name of this island? So simple... yet nonetheless ominous.

"Little Garden..."