Chapter 52 - Thriller Bark Pt 6 1/5

Chapter 52

Cross-Brain AN: Before we move to the conclusion of Thriller Bark, we have a few things that we would like to say to our fans.

To those who edit our TV Tropes pages, thank you; it means a lot to us that you give us so much. To recognize a few: PutotyraNoZarus, Eddy1215, euan112358, Gaby007, ThePoarter, lilyofthevalley, Hujwernoo, darkhabit, NXTangl, JD2K, and The Sinful. Thank you all.

Next, to those of you who leave anonymous guest reviews. First, those of you who ask questions: if you want us to answer them, please spend a few minutes creating an account so that we can actually respond. Second, those of you trying to bring politics in, or who have more recently called for… 'removing' the dugong characters, if you can't be arsed to face any possibility of a response, we're just going to keep deleting them. Or, to put it shortly: kindly get fucked.

Patient AN: For the record, I don't approve of the language… but the frustration is no less with me.

Xomniac AN: And for my record, I've got some even harsher language! I'm the one with the account, I have to field that braindead crap first! If you wanna flame, either grow the pair needed to do it with an account I can report, or shut. UP.

Cross-Brain AN: And now, brace for flying hammers. Specifically, mason hammers.

For once in my time on the Blue Seas, my senses returned to me faster than I expected. Unfortunately, it didn't do much good with my subconscious DOSed trying to figure out what was going on. A few key facts slowly became apparent: I was lying on a rough, uneven surface. There was a rancid stink in the air, like rotting pork, and there was noise coming from nearby. Voices… they sounded like my crew. What was going—?

Thriller-Bark-Moria-Awakened-Nightmares-Crew-Decimated-Draugr-Oars-Eating-Shadows-Nidhogg-Luffy-Victory—

Kuma.

My eyes snapped open, and I leapt to my feet and looked around the area, taking in everything I could. It was still dark… still foggy, even. We were still in the Florian Triangle. The next thing I noticed was some of my crew nearby. In ten words or less… they all looked like utter shit. To elaborate, everyone looked like they'd been personally worked over by Impel Down's finest, sporting almost uniform expressions of pain, though thankfully not agony.

To name but a few: Conis was cradling her cranium, a bloody bandage indicating she'd most likely gotten a second scar to go along with the one Ohm had given her. Boss was steadily burning through a cigar as he leaned against some rubble, his flipper pressed to the near shirt of white wrapped around his torso. And Merry… well, I knew it wasn't right to laugh at another's pain, but damn it, you watch a tyke like her gnawing at a cast-covered arm and say it's not funny as hell! Lassoo and Funkfreed snickering nearby was just further support for that theory.

Moving on, the TDWS and Carue were bandaged up from head to toe, and Robin and Vivi weren't shy for them either; I noticed that the latter was glaring at her necklace, and I winced as I wisely elected to leave that particular hornet's nest the hell alone. And Chopper was lying on his back; from what I could tell, he was regaining his breath from treating so many so fast, hooves twitching spastically from overuse.

Then… there was Luffy, on his feet and grinning like a loon. My panic calmed briefly as I confirmed that my captain was safe, and then it shot right back up as I realized that Luffy was bouncing around after all of that, as though he hadn't taken any damage.

And as I ran towards them, my panic shot through the roof as I realized something else: so was I.

Luffy perked up as he caught sight of me. "Hey, Cross! You're up too? That's great!"

"It's also, to repeat, impossible…" Chopper groaned.

"Seriously, I expect this kind of physics-ignoring weirdness from Luffy, but you too, Cross?" Usopp moaned as he poked at his nose.

"Bah, who cares?" Luffy laughed. "Woohoo, this is awesome!"

"NOT EVEN CLOSE, LUFFY!" I roared, injecting as much terror and desperation into my voice as I could manage.

The good mood flew out of him as he and everyone else conscious looked at me with alarm and concern, and I made to look at my partner—

"CROSS."

—and instead shot a glare at a newly awakened and very irate Sanji. "I fucked up and I know it, crap cook, but me facing the music can wait until after we save that noble idiot's life! And in pursuit of that, Soundbite!"

I waited for a reply. After a few seconds of silence, I began glancing around, patting down my clothes with mounting panic. "Soundbite? Soundbite!?"

"I'm here… further OUT…"

My relief at my partner speaking up was weak; I hadn't heard him this exhausted since Navarone.

"…Is he there? Is he alive?" I asked softly.

"For now… but hurry, they need BLOOD, PRONTO," his voices warped and warbled. "HEAD STRAIGHT left from where you are."

"Sonnuva—!" I'd barely taken two steps when Soundbite's words sunk in, and I felt a chill like Brook's post-time skip swordplay.

"What," I said slowly. "in the name of Roger do you mean by 'THEY'?"

Rather than wait for an answer, I swung my head around, took a hasty headcount, and promptly felt my brain crash when I realized who was missing.

"ROCKET US, NOW!" I roared, grabbing Chopper's scruff with one hand and reaching out to Luffy with the other. He didn't hesitate to grab the nearest anchor, and a few seconds later we landed in the right location.

…I thought I had seen the worst when Moria awakened, but no. Even with the nightmares of the Shadow-Shadow Fruit annihilated, Thriller Bark still had one last scene ripped straight out of hell to torture us with. And here it was.

A barren crater of ground, stripped of all life, the soil straight out of a drought-ravaged wasteland, and smothered in blood. The crusted substance cracked beneath my feet, long since dried, and spread throughout the entire crater, more than one human body seemed able to hold. And in the very center stood a single figure, immediately recognizable.

"Z… ZORO!" Luffy screamed.

Chopper blearily took in the scene. Then his eyes snapped open, showing off bloodshot sclera, and he flipped down and dug a flask out of his bag marked with a skull and the label "LAST RESORT". He chugged the entire thing before tossing it aside and snapping into his Walk Point, sprinting over to Zoro with an expression that was equal parts furious and horrified.

"What happened here?"

"Nothing… absolutely—"

"DON'T GIVE ME THAT SHIT!" I roared, grabbing what was left of his shirt with both hands and ignoring the shout of protest Chopper let out. "You've just endured every last bit of punishment that Luffy has over the past who knows how long but we can deal with your suicidal honor code later because you can take it, NOW WHERE THE HELL'S THE OTHER IDIOT?!"

"H… Here…"

I gagged as a raw and barely audible voice floated over to me, and I hastily shoved our fine-shredded swordsman off to our doctor before running in the direction of the voice. I rounded a stray block of rubble, and stopped dead in shock, barely capable of understanding what I was seeing. Finally, I managed to choke out a single word.

"Nami…"

Our navigator lifted her head what few inches she could manage, her expression flushing with relief, and somehow found the gall to direct a bloody glare at me. "Took… your damn time…" she wheezed. "You always have… to sleep in, don't you?"

I… I couldn't say anything. How could I in the face of the horrific tableau before me?! I'd seen a lot of bad shit during my time as a pirate, I'd experienced bad shit aplenty! But the sight of Nami, one of my closest friends, the one who'd always managed to come out of almost every last one of our escapades squeaky clean, looking like she'd been put through a titanic paper shredder? It was… just overwhelming.

Nami was propped up against the rubble, leaning into it without a hint of energy and for good reason. Her legs and her face looked like sandpaper had been rubbed over them, and her arms… her right arm was relatively unmarred, but her left looked like it had been mauled by some kind of a rabid feline, it was such a mess, a segment of her Clima-Tact held so tightly in her fist that I think some of the knuckles were dislocated. And going by the blood-caked state of her right hand's fingers, well…

And it was crazy that she could even move her head; the rest of her body was limp and almost gray, removing any doubt—if there was any considering the maroon and red trail towards her—that there was more blood outside her body than in it. She was on the brink of death, and somehow still had the strength, strength I'd never even suspected her to have, to keep on living.

"Did you… see that idiot?" She gave her head a minuscule jerk in the direction of Zoro, her lips twisting into a broken but still catty sneer. "Seriously… I told him posing was… a stupid gimmick but he… just wouldn't budge… But then again, I—ack!" She coughed and wheezed, a mouthful of blood and I don't even want to know bubbling out of her throat. "I-I guess I'm no better, huh… every one of us, a big ol' idiot… Do you… think it's in the water, or…?"

My legs gave out under me, bringing me to my knees just in time for my throat to finally respond to my will and choke out a single word.

"Why?"

"Couldn't stop her… could only watch…"

I followed the direction of the voice to a branch hanging overhead. Soundbite was there, sagging in his shell from grief and fatigue, his eyestalks drooping and barely open.

"S-Soundbite, what—!?"

"Don't… get mad at him…" Nami coughed, staring up at my partner with a weak smile on her face. "He tried… to stop us… but we… wouldn't listen. It's not like… he tried to do something… as stupid as us…" Don't ask me how, but the damn madwoman somehow managed to make a smile on the edge of death look sunny. "He was… pretty damn brave. Stayed with us… through the whole thing… even though he was scared… out of his mind. He… actually might have even… saved my life… a few times…"

"I… you…" I sputtered. Those sputters died shortly thereafter when I noticed that Nami's eyes were starting to lose focus.

"I-In fact…" she slurred, her head starting to sway back and forth. "After what… he did…" She chuckled, a wet noise that was equal parts bittersweet and delirious. "You don't… owe me… anything now. Heheh… I-In fact…"

Nami slipped to the side, and I only just managed to grab her in time to hear her breathe out one last thing before she slipped into oblivion.

"I owe you one, friend…"

-o-

"Alright, you metal-limbed bastard, start spilling your guts or I'll spill them mys—ACK!" Sanji's burgeoning rant was headed off at the pass by a brief cyan glare from our doctor, who was in the middle of stabilizing the crew. Instead, he settled for glowering at me with as much heat as he could muster, and given what he could do, I was sweating like a pig for a variety of reasons.

After discovering that little… scene, we'd relocated everyone into the most stable section of the ruined manor we could find. We then spent several minutes waiting with bated breath and raging questions as we waited for Chopper to finish properly stabilizing our semi-eviscerated friends. It had been touch and go for a while, but thanks to some help from the Rolling Pirates, it looked like things would be fine.

Chopper had mended Zoro and Nami's abundance of injuries as fast as he could, desperate enough that he even recruited Merry's skillset and Robin's arms to help. The two of them sped matters along considerably, and he had their much-needed transfusions up and running in a matter of minutes. It was a very tense few minutes, but as Chopper measured the progress, he informed us that there was no immediate danger to anyone anymore. Which meant that while his attention turned back to handling everyone else, everyone else's attention attention immediately turned back to me.

Attention I met with a miserable groan as I continued to pace, as I'd been doing since we arrived. "OK, first of all, yes, I forgot that he was supposed to show up. I thought I'd managed to head his presence off a while back, but clearly I was mistaken. I overlooked the possibility that the World Government could send him because of the SBS or for some other reason, in which case I fully accept the blame. On a related note, I need to double-check something as soon as we're done here, because if he was here why I think he was…" I lapsed into silence for a second, gnawing on my thumb, before shaking my head and moving on.

"Second of all, in this case? Even if I had mentioned the possibility of his presence, it wouldn't have made any difference; you all saw what he did, some of you more than the rest." I shot a pointed glance at Sanji, which got him strangling his lighter so hard I think its casing cracked. "So you've probably figured out that against Bartholomew Kuma, the only thing we could have done at this time was put our heads between our legs and kiss our asses goodbye. Crocodile and Moria are the only Warlords alive who are even close to our level. The rest are just that powerful, and Kuma's in the upper tier even for them." I sighed tiredly and rubbed my face. "Make no mistake, it's the fact that individuals like Kuma are part of the Warlords that they're viable counterweight to the Marines and Emperors."

"I guess we were sort of getting spoiled with arrogant bastards," Vivi said with a ferocious grimace as she kneaded the bridge of her nose. "That's the kind of power that Warlords are expected to have; if Crocodile's pride hadn't driven him to sorely underestimate Luffy, we never would have beaten him."

Sanji continued to fume, clearly not satisfied with my explanation. "Even if I accepted that, I would have expected you to tell us that it would put Zoro and Nami-swan in this much danger!"

"It was only Zoro in the story!" I shot back, glancing in a brief panic to make sure no Rolling Pirates were in earshot before continuing. "The metal bastard came for Luffy's head, but when Zoro stepped in to take his place, Kuma fed him Luffy's pain, expecting him to die from it. Naturally, he didn't because he's that freaking tough! BUT, going by how I feel light as a feather, apparently Kuma was after my head too! That doesn't really surprise me, given how my head could kickstart a small nation's economy, but Nami going through this!?" I jabbed my finger at our comatose navigator, packing all my incredulity into the motion. "Trust me, I'm as confused as you are! And for once, things are flipped because while I don't have the answers we need or want, he does!"

I turned my eyes onto the gastropod who was currently guzzling his second bottle of liquid lozenge, and Sanji as well as everyone else in earshot joined me. He eyed us for a second, spat the emptied bottle out, and met our questioning gazes. "Yo." And just that one word provoked a pained wince from him

Ignoring that wince, Sanji painfully shoved himself to his feet and loomed over my partner, cigarette tearing between his teeth. "Everything you saw, snail, or I might actually carry out one of my threats."

I warily side-eyed Sanji. "Not endorsing the death threat…" I hedged. "But I'll second the urgency."

Soundbite took a second to glance around and take in everyone's anxious expressions before slumping forward, his eyestalks hanging heavy with sorrow. "ALRIGHT, HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED. After Kuma showed up out of nowhere and pulled a 'think of the rabbits' on Luffy and Cross, Lola recognized him and asked what he was doing here. He said that they—that is, the World Government—had lost contact with Moria and he came to see what was wrong—"

I allowed myself to relax at that, though I was still going to check every inch of the card, which, in retrospect, I should have been watching religiously over the past who-knows-how-long.

"—and then he said that while he had the chance, he was here for Luffy and Cross's heads. I MUST NOT HAVE BEEN A PRIORITY THOUGH, HE JUST FLICKED ME OFF YOUR SHOULDER LIKE I WAS SO MUCH LINT. SWEAR THAT BASTARD CRACKED MY—! Ugh… Anyways…" Soundbite cast a pitying glance at my other two partners, who were both nursing some hearty bruises to both flesh and ego. "Lassoo and Funkfreed charged him and got blown away first."

"Felt like I got shot out of a freaking cannon for once…" Lassoo moaned from under his paws, clamped to his head.

"What the hell was that bastard packing?" Funkfreed demanded, an icepack pressed to his forehead with his trunk.

"The Paw-Paw Fruit, one of the most ludicrously jailbroken Devil Fruits I've had the displeasure of witnessing," I explained grimly. "It gives the user paw pads on the palms of their hands that have the power to repel or deflect—or more specifically, 'push'—anything that they touch. And that means anything, from projectiles to air to more abstract concepts like, well…" I gestured between Luffy and myself. "Pain and fatigue. And the force of his pushes are often disproportionately powerful, too."

"Tsk, so that's why you and Luffy had my tranquilizers in you. That explains how he woke Moria…" Chopper grumbled as he held a pair of blood-filled vials up to his… eyes…

I briefly contemplated whether or not I was suicidal enough to ask when he'd drawn our blood, but I just as swiftly snapped my attention back to Soundbite. "So, those two got slammed and then… I'm guessing he laid down the ultimatum?"

"What's that mean?" asked… Luffy, worryingly enough, considering the amount of seriousness in his voice.

"That individual, Bartholomew Kuma, was it?" Brook spoke up, his head bowed solemnly. "He gave us all a choice to make: we could let him take the two of you unmolested, or we could refuse and suffer for standing in his way. Naturally, not a one of us hesitated to oppose him with every fiber of our beings… even though I myself no longer have any fibers to speak of! YOHO—! Ah, wait a moment…" The musician tilted his head quizzically. "Do skeletons have fibers? I forget… tentative skull joke."

"Robin?"

THWACK! "YEOW!"

"Thank you."

"After that is when things get… fuzzy." Keratin rubbed fur, a pained grimace on Chopper's face. "I think I might have gotten desperate enough to take a third Rumble Ball."

"No, that's the concussion talking," Usopp clarified ."You're fuzzy on the details because there aren't any."

Chopper's chin-scratching stopped in favor of shooting our sniper a blank look. "Aren't any what?"

After a moment of staring, Usopp sighed and turned back to the rest of us. "Anyways, Kuma must have thought that the surroundings weren't wrecked enough, because he used some big air-blast attack to flatten everything and everyone that was left standing near him. That's the last thing I remember."

"LUCKY YOU, long-nose," Soundbite groaned, shuddering.

"And how exactly did you stay conscious?" Franky cut in. "You may have a thick shell, but it's not thicker than my super metal body, and I got knocked out right away, too."

Soundbite frowned in thought. "Short version, I tried a new technique, IT WORKED. BUT FYI, THAT TONIC WAS ONLY TEMPORARY. My throat still feels like I've been gargling gravel. I CAN TALK SHOP, OR I CAN TELL YOU ABOUT THE HELL I JUST WENT THROUGH. WHICH WOULD YOU RATHER SUFFER?"

I briefly entertained the easier notion, but… "Proceed."

"Well…" Soundbite slowly turned his gaze as he stared off into oblivion.

~o~

"Now suffer the Ursa Shock."

FWOOM.

The Ursa Shock was a technique steeped in contradictions; while an incredibly destructive attack, it was both simple and relatively silent in its execution. And yet, in spite of this simplicity and hushed delivery, it was made deadly and massively loud due to the sheer scale of the assault. A singular blast of air and wind, but the tsunami-sized quantity of air pressure resulted in widespread destruction, and thus a cacophony of demolished and collapsing debris.

Trees and stone, architecture and nature alike, none were capable of withstanding the full, unmitigated fury that was the Ursa Shock.

When the howling winds died down, they left utter silence in their wake. Nothing stood much above chest height. Anything that had was now sprawled out on the ground, and anything that was once intact was now irrevocably annihilated.

Most people, in the aftermath of such destruction, would have been left gaping as they experienced any of a variety of emotions, from terror to awe to satisfaction at a job well done. Assuming they were still conscious, of course.

As he witnessed the devastation he had wrought with his bare bear hands, Bartholomew Kuma felt none of these things.

Instead, the Tyrant merely shifted his massive bulk with his head, systematically scanning his environs with cold efficiency for any signs of life. A glance downwards confirmed that the first of his primary targets that he'd acquired, the 'Voice of Anarchy' Jeremiah Cross, was still where he'd left him after successfully removing his involvement from the situation's equation: pinned in place beneath his boot, incapable of being shifted even an inch by any on the island, much less the meager blast the Warlord had unleashed.

Satisfied that any potential interfering elements had been dealt with, Kuma reached down, hefted his target by the back of his jacket, and strode into the debris. His secondary target, tracked through the maelstrom by the systems crammed into his head, was still right where he'd left him.

Reaching the calculated location, Kuma dislodged a slab of debris and beheld the slumbering form of his other target, Monkey D. 'Straw Hat' Luffy. The titanic entity reached down towards the rubber man—

WARNING!

And froze as his sensors and Haki both blared out a warning of imminent danger. In accordance with the warning, Kuma erected a minimal, non-hardened barrier of Armament Haki over his body, a precaution that was very much overkill in the waters of Paradise.

"IMPERIAL LION'S ANTHEM!"

SLASH!

"Gh…" Kuma's mind and processors alike reeled when a disproportionately strong attack was registered slamming into his chest, actually forcing the naval bioweapon to take a step back for balance. No critical damage arose from the assault, obviously, but it was with no small amount of silent respect that Kuma observed the opening rent in his shirt, and the infinitesimally small scratch in the [CLASSIFIED]-alloy plating that lay beneath.

Not a trace of this respect showed on Kuma's face as he turned to observe his assailant—just cold apathy. "Roronoa Zoro," he calmly stated. "Your power exceeds that which has been previously observed. I shall inform my superiors that your threat level is to be re-evaluated."

The swordsman didn't respond, too busy glaring daggers at the expanse of metal he'd exposed. "A goddamn Marine cyborg. As soon as I save Cross's ass, I am going to kill him."

Formulating a strategy based around the new information he had analyzed, as well as the information on the swordsman's intent and ability he'd gleaned through his reacting Observation, Kuma spoke the words he knew he would incite the desired reaction. "That is false. Monkey D. Luffy and Jeremiah Cross shall both meet their ends at the hands of the Marine's executioners."

An inferno of outrage flared into existence in the swordsman's eyes, and he roared, pouncing on the Warlord. "LIKE HELL, YOU BASTARD! ONI—!"

Kuma snapped his arm up, interposing his insensate captive between himself and his assailant.

Zoro choked, aborting his attack and rolling past Kuma to avoid bisecting Cross. "Sonnuva—!"

That was as far as he got before Kuma stepped forwards and shoved his chest. A shove that sent Zoro skipping across the debris and desperately gasping for breath, ribs creaking ominously.

Finally, the green haired swordsman collided painfully with a raised rock, his lungs still gasping for air and the lack of oxygen leaving his vision hazy. Even in his condition the swordsman did have enough of his wits about him to flip himself onto his hands and knees and react appropriately when he caught sight of the light building in Kuma's gaping maw. That is to say, pale dramatically. "Oh, you have got to be—!"

Rather than finish that thought, Zoro bodily heaved himself away, not particularly caring where he landed so long as it was somewhere that qualified as 'not remotely close to the starting point original position'. And it was a good thing he did too, because a second later—

Ping! KABOOM!

"Gah!"

—he was sent sprawling by the thermoluminescent reaction that erupted from whatever the hell was stuffed in the Warlord's throat.

Beaten, bruised, wounds from fighting Ryuuma throbbing painfully, and now partially flash-fried all over, all Zoro could do was wheeze in pain as he lay prone on the uneven ground, eyeing the melted remains of the rock he'd been lying against moments earlier. "What…" he bit out. "The hell are you?"

"A Pacifista," Kuma answered bluntly, his voice still devoid of inflection. "A human weapon made to the serve the World Government, built by—"

"On second thought, save it," Zoro interrupted, growling with effort as he painstakingly forced himself into a kneeling position. "Cross'll just tell me everything important about your tincan of an ass later."

Kuma took a moment to delete that comment from his memory before replying. "Again, that is incorrect." To emphasize the point, the cyborg hefted his captive again. "Jeremiah Cross and Monkey D. Luffy will be coming with me, and you will never see them again."

Zoro bit out a sharp tsk at that, and then was silent for a long moment, hands balling into fists. "The reason you're taking them… it's because the World Government wants blood, is that right? It wants heads to roll?"

Kuma slowly bowed his head, deepening the shadows cast by his hat. "…that is correct."

"…then in that case, how about a trade." The swordsman met Kuma's glowing gaze dead on, without a trace of hesitation or weakness. "My head for theirs. I'm not worth as much as them, and their faces might be more infamous… but…" He rammed his fist into his chest, his teeth grit with pride and determination. "I am the man who will be the strongest swordsman in the world. Given time, I'll kill a Warlord with nothing but my blade, and my name will be known the world over, more than both of those idiots combined! That has to be worth something to you! That has to be worth their lives!"

Kuma remained impassive throughout the speech, and for a little longer after it was finished. "Your claims bear merit, and I am amenable to what you propose… save for an error you have made."

Zoro tensed furiously. "What the hell are you talking about?"

Kuma's held up a single finger on his free hand. "One life in exchange for one life. It does not matter how much acclaim any one person might hold, the fact remains: one does not equal two. You may take the place of Jeremiah Cross, or you may take that of Monkey D. Luffy." Kuma bowed his head, glasses shining from the shadow of his hat. "But you are not worth both. Choose."

For one of the few instances in Zoro's life, his very core was stricken with doubt and hesitancy, and true fear etched itself across his face.

"Tsk. What the hell are you so worried about, mosshead? Sounds easy enough to me."

Both Zoro and Kuma turned their attention to a clearly exhausted Sanji, who was working his way over to them with a scowl on his face.

"You take the shitty captain," he coughed out painfully. "And I'll take the shitty bigmouth. It's not that hard. It's gonna suck like hell, of course, but hey…" The cook shot a bloody grin at his rival. "The things we do for this crew, right?"

"You—!" Zoro started to protest.

"Hey, leadbelly!" Sanji shouted, ignoring the first mate in favor of striding up to the Warlord. "You want a second head? You got one. I'll admit, I'm not as infamous as the rest of these clowns, and my dream… well, compared to them, some might even call it lacklustre…" He jabbed his thumb at his chest. "But damn it all, I've got some worth in me, and if ever there was a time to use it, it's now." He cast a wistful glance back at Luffy's body. "Sorry, Captain… guess you're gonna need a new—"

"MORON!"

~o~

WHAM!

"GAH!" Sanji winced as Luffy brought his fist crashing down on top of his skull. "Sonnuva—! What the hell do you think you're—grk!?" Any protests the cook were about to make were cut off by our captain grabbing his collar and dragging him face to apoplectic face.

"If you ever do anything that boneheaded again, then I'll kick your ass inside out! GOT IT?!" Luffy snarled

"YOU'RE THE LAST PERSON I WANT TO HEAR THAT FROM!" Sanji roared right back.

Luffy… actually blinked in confusion at that. "So, wait, you'll still do it again?"

"Me and every other person on this damn crew! Right, everyone?!"

There was a general rumble of agreement from everyone present, which I myself was a part of. "He's gotcha there, Luffy," I noted.

Luffy eyed us all before slumping in defeat. "Awww… that always worked when Sabo and Ace did it…"

"Probably because they were, ah… more… mature?" Vivi offered tentatively.

Luffy slumped even further. "That's the one thing everyone's always said I can't be…"

Vivi palm promptly met her forehead before any of us could strike ours to the back.

"Anyway," Su cut in, focusing on our chef. "Sanji, if you were laying your neck on the line, why didn't you go through… that instead of Nami?"

"Zoro stopped you, right?" I posited. "I mean, even with that ultimatum, God knows he's bone-headed enough to try."

Sanji grimaced and slowly looked away. "Ah…"

"RIGHT POSITION…" Soundbite cut in with a downcast look of his own. "But… WRONG RANKING."

~o~

"Sorry, captain… guess you're gonna need a new—"

KRRRR-ZAP!

"GRK!" Sanji shuddered in agony, his every muscle locking up from the live current invading his body. "What… the…!?"

That was all he managed to get out before his tenderized frame gave up the ghost, and he collapsed into a boneless heap.

Zoro could only blink at the spectacle in shock. "The hell—?!"

"Sorry, Sanji…"

Both Zoro and Kuma—one incredulous and one impassive—stared as 'Weather Witch' Nami hobbled up to them, Eisen cloud wrapped around her bleeding right leg and her body leaning heavily on her Clima Tact as she limped her way across the shattered stone.

"But just this once…" she huffed painfully. "The knight in shining armor… is going to have to step aside… for the big bad witch."

"You—! How the hell are you still standing!?" Zoro demanded.

The navigator rapped her knuckles on her Eisen cloud, which momentarily broke the strong front she was putting up with a full-body shudder of pain. "My Eisen Tempo. I froze up too long to shield anyone else, and I still got hit pretty bad… but it was enough to keep me going. Meaning that now…" She glared at the Warlord with fierce determination. "I'm available to do my job."

"And what the hell—gugh," Zoro coughed as his body was wracked with tremors. "Do… you think that is!?"

"Easy," Nami growled, her tone brooking no compromise. "I'm the second mate of the Straw Hat Pirates, ranking right below you. If it's anybody's business to be offering up their lives for this crew, then it's just as much mine as it is yours! SO COME ON!" This last bit was roared at Kuma, the arm not holding her Clima-Tact gesticulating wildly. "Take me too! I'm the second mate of the Straw Hat Pirates, I'm one of the groundbreaking rookies of this generation and damn it!" A fire blazed in Nami's eyes. "I'm the best goddamn Navigator in all of Paradise, and I was going to map every inch of this godforsaken world with my own two hands. I'm one of the best… so if you swap me for him?" She jabbed a finger at Cross. "Then congratulations on the bargain, because you won't lose a single damn thing."

For a long moment, Zoro stared at her in disbelief before frowning solemnly. "You're not backing down about this," he said more than asked.

Nami responded with a defiant nod. "I've been in this position before. I've been here…" Her hand ghosted over the tattoo on her shoulder, drawing a grimace from her. "And I am not losing someone again."

Zoro regarded for a moment longer before slowly shifting his glare back to Kuma. "Me for the rubber-brain," he repeated.

"And me for the loudmouth," Nami concurred. "What do you say, Kuma? Deal or no deal? Though either way…" An offshoot of her clouds started to crackle and darken. "They are not leaving this island."

"Now show us you have some honor," Zoro growled, throwing his swords at his feet.

The Warlord stared at them, his shielded eyes and perpetually frowning mouth giving away no hint of his feelings. Finally, once more, he sighed.

"If I were to lay a hand on either of them now, I would be put to shame."

The first and second mates relaxed marginally.

"However."

And just like that the tension rammed right back to maximum.

"As you have both pointed out, for all that you have dreams, you are worth significantly less than your crewmates. As such, you will make up the difference yourselves…" The shadows around Kuma seemed to deepen into pitch-black darkness. "By venturing into the depths of Hell."

Before either of the crew's officers could ask what he meant, Kuma raised his captive in one hand, and pressed his other to Cross's back. A large pink sphere with dots floating above it, resembling a pawprint, ballooned out of him and came to a rest in the air before them; it was almost as tall as Kuma himself.

"What the hell did you just do?!" Nami demanded.

"Do not worry. I simply repelled the pain and fatigue that Jeremiah Cross has accumulated over the last twenty-four hours," the Warlord calmly answered. "If you are prepared to take their places, then you will take them in their entirety. With the pain that the two of you have taken already, you will die excruciating deaths from taking in your crewmates' as well. Observe for yourselves." And before the other pirates could react, he ghosted his hand through the orb, withdrew a pair of softball-sized bubbles of the energy, and lobbed them at the mates.

Nami and Zoro grit their teeth, mustering up every ounce of resolve they had in preparation to weather whatever was about to strike them.

The moment that the bubbles entered their bodies, their resolves shattered.

"YEEEEAAAAAAAAAARGH!"

A full five minutes later, Kuma loomed over the pair's twitching forms, his expression still resembling a stone wall.

"Do you still want it?" Kuma asked softly.

Nami ignored him in favor of hacking up a mouthful of blood. "How… the hell is that… what Cross was feeling?" she wheezed hoarsely.

"Huff… huff… the freaking hell we've all just gone through… he got a hole in his side… he's probably gotten used to his limbs while we aren't… all those other health issues he has…" Zoro bit out. "Take your pick."

"Argh…" Nami winced as she slowly inched herself into a sitting position. "I don't suppose… you'd be up for a trade?"