Chapter 44 - Post-Enies Lobby Pt 2
Patient AN: Bad news: We're giving you another cliffhanger to end this chapter.
Xomniac AN: Good news: it's a laugher, not a chiller!
Hornet AN: Boooooo!
Cross-Brain AN: Ah, yes, and one more thing before we begin, regarding the revelations of Chapter 850. To the great Eiichiro Oda:
We dare to enter into your world. You, who demonstrate time and again exactly why it was you who created the best manga of all time.
We are not worthy. Odds are that we never will be.
…But that will not stop us from trying.
After watching the sunrise with my friends, I'd been totally ready to hit the hay and recover from one hell of an eventful day. Unfortunately, my heartfelt desire for sleep was firmly overruled.
By whom, you ask? Why, by none other than a certain sadist of a first mate who shall remain unnamed, that's who! Said sadist announced this particular veto by grabbing my collar and bodily dragging me inside away from where everyone was sleeping. I was a bit ticked off at first, but that feeling promptly evaporated when he dragged in Leo and Funkfreed as well, and explained what he was doing.
According to Zoro, apparently I'd made something of a… tactical error in accepting Funkfreed as my new melee weapon: unlike Lassoo, with whom I had some margin of error where his handling was concerned, wielding a blade like Funkfreed required actual training, even if I wasn't aiming to be a master of the blade. As such, in order to make me halfway competent with a sword, he'd be adding onto my training regimen with Leo's aid, effective immediately.
Which leads us to…
"Move your arm up. I said up, Cross."
"Yeah, yeah…"
"Not that high!"
"Grmble…"
This. With the 'this' in question being me holding a de-leafed stick in my hand as I tried to follow the trio's directions on how to take a proper stance for holding a cavalry sabre like Funkfreed. And of course, due to my teachers being a master-grade swordsman, a prodigal Grand Line-grade swordsman, and an actual living sword, the margin of error I was being allowed for my movements was nonexistent.
"How's this?" I asked, lowering my arm in an effort to please my taskmasters.
"No, you need to raise it—!" Zoro started to order me.
"Here, let me!" Leo offered, hastily waddling up to me with his sheathed blades in his hands, following which he started poking my limbs into position. "Here, widen your stance like this, position your free arm over here, aaaand make sure that you have your blade angled like that. Ah, and keep your body pointed that way, the whole time too. Get it?"
"Ah…" I blinked in surprise as I realized that he'd angled my body in such a manner that my makeshift 'blade' was parallel to my torso, rather than perpendicular. "Oh, I see! So basically, I'm supposed to use you more like I'm fencing, is that right?"
"More or less," Funkfreed nodded in agreement, shaking his mass slightly in the process. Said mass was naked to the world, as we'd removed the leather harness he'd been wearing before, though hopefully getting him a new sheath would give him something new to wear. "It's a more strength-oriented style than fencing, but there's still some precision to it that should be observed."
"Well, at least now I have something to go off of," I muttered as I started to adjust my stance appropriately.
"While I'm thinking about it, Cross, why did you convince Funkfreed to join you?" Zoro asked with honest curiosity. "The last time I checked, you said that you didn't have the training or discipline to handle an actual weapon. Were you expecting him to do most of the work, like Lassoo?"
I shook my head at Zoro as I popped up a pair of fingers. "Two reasons. First, the obvious one: when there's money on the table, you never leave it there. Not taking Funkfreed meant either letting him go back to the Marines, letting some other crew try and claim and tame him, or letting him go off solo, none of which were good options."
"I'm with him there!" Funkfreed shot his trunk up in agreement. "If the higher-ups were willing to throw even Rob Lucci to the wolves, then I don't even want to think about what they would have done to me! And in case you haven't noticed, not a lot of other crews are even close to as nice as you guys!"
"…mmph, fair enough," Zoro begrudgingly admitted. "Still, this is a big shift from your old mindset. What happened to learning how to wield a sword being too much trouble?"
I spread my arms demonstratively. "It's usually not a phrase to use, but that was then and this is now. When I made that proclamation I was just a glass-boned amateur who was barely getting by with my brains, and who was only ever getting into fights with the weakest of mooks. I think it should be obvious that I'm not that person anymore, most importantly because of the target I've decided to paint on my back. My baton was all well and good up until now, but now is when things start ramping up more than ever. So if I'm going to be equal to the task at hand…" I shot a look over at Funkfreed. "Then I'm going to need the tools for the job. And for the record, I am trying to learn how to wield those tools properly, you know! Have I tried to leave even once while you bastards have been shoving me around!?"
"Ah…" Leo hesitated slightly at that before glancing at Zoro. "He… does have a point, you know?"
Zoro responded with a flat glare. "And you think this matters to me?"
"Not at all, sir!" the dugong yelped fearfully as he snapped to attention.
I felt a shiver of terror shoot up my spine as I sensed a not-subtle amount of menace in the three-sword-master's tone. "Ah-ah-ah-HEY!" I squawked hastily. "S-S-Seeing as I've at least managed to achieve a stance that's only semi-horrible—"
"ONLY just," Soundbite snarked from inside his shell.
"It's a dark day when I agree with the snail," Zoro said pointedly.
I barely withheld a whimper at the implication. "M-May I take a small break, just for a moment, to check out Funkfreed's abilities? I-I-I'm gonna learn, I swear, b-b-but they're still a major part of the equation, remember!?"
Zoro glared at me, visibly debating with himself before sighing and waving his hand. "Make it fast."
I did not sigh in relief as I dropped my branch and gesturing animatedly at Funkfreed, and the elephant in question quickly transformed himself to fit my grip. As I watched his metamorphosis from flesh to tempered steel, a thought occurred to me. "Ah… hey, just curious here, but why am I using a branch instead of Funkfreed? Or hell, even a bamboo sword?"
"Now that, I can answer myself!" Leo cheerfully announced before going serious again. "Simply put, you don't even deserve to touch a bamboo sword yet, much less a real one!"
"…what," I responded intelligently.
"Well, what did you expect!?" the dugong barked indignantly. "You're used to flailing a baton about without even a scrap of finesse or skill, and as such we're not even close to trusting you with a tool even remotely resembling a katana. Hell, it'd be a disgrace to swordsmen everywhere if you even touched something resembling a sword!"
"As it is," Zoro cut in, taking a menacing step forward. "I'm barely keeping myself from knocking Funkfreed out of your hands due to my memories of you 'wielding' him back on the Bridge, so whatever the hell you're going to do—!"
I swallowed audibly as I processed the unspoken threat before snapping my attention down to Funkfreed. "So! Funkfreed! Something I've noticed about Zoan types: your transformations can either be slow and gradual, like how Lucci did it, or practically instantaneous, like Chopper or Lassoo. Is there any reason you choose gradual? I mean, Lucci could snap to his beast form in an instant, so I know you can do it either way."
"Huh, good catch…" Funkfreed said, sounding impressed. "And yeah, I can. There's just always been an issue doing it, so…"
"Hm…" I hummed thoughtfully before shrugging and pointing him forwards at the empty air. "Well, no better time than the present. Go ahead and transform at full speed, and I'll see if I can help with whatever's going wrong, alright?"
"Uhhh… Well, if you say so…" the elephant-sword said uncertainly. "Here goes!"
There was a sudden blur of motion—
THUMP! "GWAH!" "SONNUVA!"
And then I found myself groaning on my back, my ass firmly buried in a trench that my own behind had dug. Sweet Christ my tailbone ached, and if my clothes hadn't been designed for that kind of abuse I'd probably be needing a new pair of pants too.
"What JUST hit US?" Soundbite moaned as his shell spun in place next to me.
"If I had to guess?" I groused as I slowly worked my way to my feet, rubbing at my aching rear. "One of Newton's laws, though damned if I know which."
"Yeeeaaah, sorry about that," Funkfreed chuckled sheepishly as he rubbed the back of his head with his trunk. "Hey, look on the bright side: you handled that better than Spandam. When he was on the receiving end of that impact, his arm broke in three places."
I graced the elephant with a flat look. "And me doing better than him is supposed to reassure me how exactly!?"
"Eh…" The Zoan-weapon flinched uncomfortably as he thought that over. "Yeah, fair enough."
"Mrgh… alright, anyways, let's see…" I muttered as I started patting off the dirt on my rear. I mulled over the issues of the transformation: the recoil kicked like a mule, and I doubted that even if I braced myself I'd be able to handle all of it, so how…?
"Now, there's a thought…" I muttered, cupping my chin. "If physics are the issue, then maybe—?"
"CARE TO SHARE?" Soundbite groused. "AND ALSO TO get me out of the DIRT!?"
"Ah, right, sorry," I apologized as I picked him back up and returned him to my shoulder. "And Funkfreed, back to sword. I've got an idea."
"Ah… alright, then," Funkfreed said as he returned to his natural form. "And that idea would be…?"
"Physics are what's screwing us over," I mused, raising my free hand to grip Funkfreed's hilt as I drew him up in preparation for a stab. "But with any luck, they can un-screw us in the same breath. Alright, let's try this again. On three, one two three!"
I stabbed forward with my sword, and smirked victoriously as the force of my stab served to counterbalance the gravitational force or momentum or whatever it was that resulted from Funkfreed's transformation, resulting in me only skidding back a foot or two.
"Second try? Not bad," Leo remarked.
"Now do it again," Zoro ordered. "Until you can do it one-handed and without getting pushed back."
"Pff, dumbass," I snorted derisively as I drew Funkfreed back in preparation and readied myself again. "I was planning on doing that from the beginning."
The corner of Zoro's mouth twitched as I brought the blade forward again. But for all my bravado, it still took twelve more tries before I felt confident enough to take one hand off of it. Bracing myself, I stabbed… and felt myself slide back the slightest bit.
I glanced downwards with a cocked eyebrow. "Thiiiis could take awhile…"
As a matter of fact, it took a half hour and more repetitions of the stab than I care to remember, not even mentioning the 'advice' (read: haranguing) from Leo and Zoro. But, for all that the experience was long and harrowing, the end result was that I could reliably handle Funkfreed's instantaneous stab one-handed.
Case in point, I stabbed Funkfreed forward and drew him back in a single smooth motion, resulting in sudden displacement of air and not much else. "Niiiice," I grinned eagerly as I looked Funkfreed over. "This is going to be very useful. How do you feel about naming that little game-changer 'Pachy-Charge'?"
"Better than naming it 'Elephant Stab.' Spandam probably would have done that. I mean, he wasn't bad at naming attacks, per se," Funkfreed conceded. "But they were pretty uncreative. 'Ivory Dart' was insensitive enough already."
"Honestly, your opinion IS ONLY PARTLY NEEDED. We have a theme goin', AND WE AIN'T CHANGING IT for an oversized mouse."
"YOU'RE THE ONE WHO GAVE ME THIS DAMN VOICE IN THE FIRST PLACE!"
"AND YOUR POINT IS…?"
"Gonna kill you someday…"
"Anyway, now that that's worked out…"
I very slowly turned around to the sight of Zoro cracking his knuckles as he and Leo started to stalk towards me.
"Hey hey hey, no need for that!" I yelped, backing up fearfully. "I've got that down, I'll drop him on my waaaait a minute!" An eager grin flashed onto my face as a new idea blazed in my mind. "Funkfreed, how hard is it for you to pull that transformation? Is it tiring, or—?"
"Ah… no, not at all?" the elephant-sword answered hesitantly. "It's pretty much like breathing, totally effortless. Why?"
"You'll see," I giggled gleefully as I took my ready stance, energy tingling through me in anticipation of what I was about to unleash. "Just extend when I extend and withdraw when I withdraw. Now… let's go!"
And with that I shot my arm forward, resulting in my partner's massive girth suddenly occupying the space before me for all of five seconds before I drew my arm back, causing him to vacate the space just as swiftly as he appeared.
And then I stabbed him forward and withdrew again the next second. And then I did it again, and again and again, over a dozen times in a row before I was forced to stop on account of my arm starting to ache.
I capped the display off by withdrawing Funkfreed and using him to sweep away the cloud of dust he'd kicked up before me. Balancing his blade on my shoulder, I grinned at my onlooking tutors. "And that is what we'll be calling Pachy-Pede. Thoughts, comments…?"
Leo silently worked his jaw before slapping his flippers together and sucking in a deep breath. "I don't know about him," he announced, casually jabbing his flipper at Zoro. "But I'm impressed. Get a foe between that and a hard place and I doubt they'll have much luck at walking away. Since you're asking, though… Funkfreed, your body is prehensile in its hybrid form, correct?"
"Ahwha…?" Funkfreed groaned dizzily before coughing as he got his mind back in gear. "Ah… yeah, yeah, I can control it. Why?"
"Well, I noticed that while you were attacking you only fired in a straight line," Leo explained. "That might be easier on you, but it'll let your opponent hold a guard. Better that you vary your position with every strike, so that between your tusks and trunk they don't know what's coming from where. That way…" He popped a thumbs-up (somehow), flashing a winning smile our way. "It'll be like they're getting mowed down by a real stampede."
"Huh…" my blade whistled thoughtfully before vibrating in what I took to be a nod of agreement. "Alright, that works! Thanks for the advice!"
I nodded at the dugong in agreement before looking at Zoro, who was still frowning. "It's a good technique, and it'll definitely be a good way to use the sword. I might even have to try duplicating that force with a stab instead of a slash… but unless you have any other ideas, can we get back to swordsmanship now?" The barely-restrained savagery in his voice sent chills up and down my spine.
"Alright, alright, keep your blades leashed!" I replied, before continuing under my breath, "God knows what at least one of them would do to me…"
"Good," Zoro grunted. "Because now it's time for you to actually wield a sword."
For one bright, shining moment, I actually felt excited. And then the fact that both Zoro and Leo were fingering their hilts hit me like one of Nami's punches.
"Right, then!" I squawked fearfully, hastily dropping Funkfreed in favor of whipping out a pack of wrinkled papers from my jacket and holding them before me like the shield they were. "Before you both tan my hide ten different shades of black and blue, who's up for checking out the bounties Coo dropped off for us last night along with the newspaper?"
The two swordsmen froze, glancing at one another silently before letting go of their blades.
"Well, he's not dumb," Leo concluded. When Zoro shot a disbelieving look at him, he raised his flippers defensively. "Hey, I'm not saying he isn't an idiot, I'm just saying he's not dumb. There's a difference."
Zoro grunted in begrudging agreement before stalking past me. "You live for now, Cross. We'll just kick your ass twice as hard for twice as long later. Now hurry up and get a move on."
I swallowed heavily as I tried to keep my nerves in check. I also tried to find some route of escape, but that hope died a painful death when Leo's sheathed blade poked at my back, the sound of him chuckling all I needed to hear to know about my chances.
Soundbite's very helpful commentary on this development was to toll out a funeral bell as he cackled.
"Yeah, yeah, I get the picture…" I groused as I walked after Zoro, hands raised above my head in surrender.
-o-
When we returned to our temporary HQ, our friends were all up and milling about their early-morning business. Naturally, that all changed when I displayed the sheaf of papers in my possession and announced their nature.
From there, our friends' reactions fell into three distinct categories.
"WOOHOO, NEW BOUNTIES ARE HERE!"
"BOUNTIES! BOUNTIES! BOUNTIES!"
First, there were the overtly enthusiastic members who'd formed an impromptu can-can line and were dancing around and cheering their hearts out. Naturally, this faction was headed up by Luffy and was composed of Merry, Raphey, Mikey and Chopper. I wasn't expecting the inclusion of Usopp, but I suppose that he was getting more and more confident as of late. I'd have to factor that into Thriller Bark, sure, but meh, I doubted it would be that hard.
My eye twitched when… pretty much every inch of ragged or melted flesh on my body suddenly decided to blaze.
On second thought, maybe playing it by the ear wasn't the best of ideas, especially considering how things usually wound up biting me in the ass once we actually reached them.
Anyway, moving on to the second group…
"Lemonade, ladies?" Sanji crooned, setting a tray with several decorated glasses on the table, his calm tone belying the excitement that was so obviously coursing through him. Just look at how he was shaking with repressed glee! At least, I hope that was repressed glee.
"Why, thank you, Sanji," Robin purred as she accepted the drinks—all of them—and started passing them out to the others sitting at the table, which is to say Conis, Su, Zoro, Boss, Leo, and a somewhat twitchy Vivi. The archaeologist grinned just a little too innocently as she took a sip of her drink. "So, would anyone care to place a wager on their bounties? Losers have to guard the winner's food from Luffy for a week. I myself wager that they'll merely raise mine by a million. It is quite substantial as is, you know."
"Oh, I'm in, I'm in!" Su called out as she waved her paw eagerly. "For me… mmm, a cool mil would be good, I don't want to get too fluffy for my fur."
Leo snorted a laugh into his lemonade. "Come again?"
"It's a fox saying, look it up." Said fox jerked her nose up in a proud sniff before grinning at her owner. "And what about you, Conis? Considering your storming of the train and the sheer amount of firepower you brought to bear, I'd saaay…" She tapped her chin thoughtfully before perking up in realization. "Somewhere higher than our good Princess's first bounty, but lower than her new one."
"W-What?!" Conis gasped in shock, her hands slapping to her cheeks as a demure blush came over her face, starting to squirm in her seat in embarrassment. "T-To inherit Vivi's bounty, or even surpass it… n-no, no, I couldn't! I'm nowhere near worthy of an honor such as that!"
"Ahh, don't be that way!" Leo chuckled into his drink. "After all, you are a prominent member of the crew, so you're definitely getting a bounty! Me, on the other hand? Nada. Easy money says I'll just get rolled up in Boss's—!"
THWACK!
"—YEOW!"
"Don't be an idiot, Leo," Boss snorted, lowering the flipper he'd smacked Leo upside the head with. "You're one of my best students, and you're all impressive besides. You'll get your bounty…" He glanced upwards thoughtfully. "And… honestly, I'm thinking mine won't break 100 million."
"What!?" Leo cried in shock. "But, Boss—!"
Boss silenced his disciple with a raised flipper. "I pulled a few impressive feats of my own, I won't deny that, and with the development of the Full Shell Style, I imagine I'll only grow stronger from here. But for now, I'm still a novice. I don't deserve a bounty that high."
"B-Boss…" Leo sobbed before wiping his face with his flipper. "I'm moved! Such humility! To think you'd even accept a bounty that's as low as dirt!"
"Moron!"
THWACK!
"YEOW!" Leo yelped as he got thwapped again.
"Now, listen here, you little pup!" Boss snorted proudly as he jabbed his cigar at his student. "I might be humble, but I've still got some measure of pride, damn it all! I might not break 100, but I will definitely pass 50! Heck…" He puffed his chest out proudly. "Forget 50, I'll pass 75, easy! And my next one? That'll be 100 plus without a doubt, and don't you damn well forget it!"
"I… see…" Leo muttered as he rubbed his head. "How… humble of you…"
"So, is that your bet, Boss?" Robin asked with a smile.
"You better bet your bottom beri it is!" the dugong nodded firmly before shooting a look at the final member of their gathering. "And what about you, princess? Care to share your thoughts?
Vivi graced the martial-arts master with a dry look before turning her attention to the table as a whole. "My thoughts? Simple: you're all twisted. In case you've all forgotten, you're betting on exactly how much the World Government and every willing bounty hunter in the world wants you dead. Doesn't that disturb any of you in any way? Or strike you as the least bit morbid?!"
A silence hung over the table for a second before Robin cocked her head to the side with a smile. "So, I take it you won't be participating then, your highness?"
Vivi met the archaeologist's gaze unflinchingly… before glancing to the side with an embarrassed blush and a pout on her face. "60 to 65 and not a beri more," she reluctantly mumbled out.
A shocked silence fell over the table as everyone stared at her, a silence which she punctuated by audibly slurping on her drink's straw. And a further disturbance came in the form of a rather familiar noise.
"AHHH, VIVI-SWAN IS SO CUTE WHEN SHE'S BETTING ON THE VALUE OF OUR LIVES!" Sanji cried as he spun up into yet another of his Love Hurricanes.
"Don't say it like that, moron!" Vivi protested, her blush going fully luminescent.
"AND EVEN CUTER WHEN SHE'S BERATING ME~!"
"Tch, dumbass…" Zoro grunted, rolling his eyes. "Bah, whatever. Anyway, mine's definitely breaking 100, easy. At the least…" The swordsman's grin widened as he glanced at our cook. "I'm going to be worth double the cook."
Sanji's hurricane spun out as he ground to a halt, slowly turning his head to glare daggers at Zoro. "Say that again, mosshead."
Zoro's grin took on a predatory gleam as he met the cook's gaze head on. "You heard me, shit cook."
"I SAID SAY IT AGAIN, MARIMO!"
"I'M NOT REPEATING SHIT TO YOU, SWIRLY-BROW!"
I sweatdropped as the two slammed their foreheads together. Yeah, the second group was the quiet ones. Quiet in comparison to the loud ones, at least. For the most part, they were the ones waiting to hear the new prices on our skins with relative calm.
"HEADS UP!"
"GAH!" I cried, feeling a chair pass through my hair.
Very relative calm.
Anyways… for the final group? It was tiny, composed of only three individuals.
"Why are they all so calm?" Nami moaned as she curled up beside Carue, displaying an odd combination of body language that conveyed both depression and a hint of fear. The duck, for his part, was holding his wings to his bill and chattering his teeth in a manner I could only imagine was his version of nail-biting. No surprise from those two. But the third did come as something of a surprise.
"Because they're all either jaded or insane," Donny intoned as he repeatedly bounced his head in the groove he was wearing into the wall. "Would you rather be one of them instead?"
Nami's miserable whine was answer enough.
I spent a moment taking in the scene before glancing at the posters in my hand, opening my mouth to draw everyone's attention. Before I could say boo, however, I caught sight of the face on the frontmost poster, and I snapped my mouth shut as I began rifling through the stack.
"CROSS!"
I then nearly dropped the stack as Luffy's sharp yell drew everyone's attention.
"No peeking ahead!" Luffy ordered with a huff. "Things have changed from what you know, right? So that means our bounties are different too! You should be just as surprised as the rest of us!"
"Oooh, too late on that count, Luffy," I drawled as I went right back to picking out the bounties I was looking for. "I hadn't looked at the posters until now, so I only just now realized that Coo got us a full stack of new bounties, rather than just our crew's."
"Wait, what?" Vivi asked incredulously before glancing down as she cupped her chin. "You mean… no, of course not all of those bounties are ours, something like this would have every remotely notable bounty in the Grand Line. But whose bounties are you looking for if they're not ours?"
I smirked as I continued rifling through the posters, picking out the pictures I needed and holding them up. "Why, our competition's, of course."
All noise died as everyone stared at me in different variations of shock and awe.
"Cross…" Conis started hesitantly. "D-Did you just say… 'competition'?"
I shot a smug smirk at her. "But of course. What, did you really think that we were the only pirates on the Grand Line? Or at least, the only ones of our caliber?" I chuckled as I shook my head. "Sorry… but no. Luffy will be king, that's a given, but there are others who want a say in the succession, too."
I held up the bounties. "At least nine others, to be exact. Nine other pirates who did the unprecedented and achieved bounties topping over 100 Million in an extremely short amount of time upon starting their careers as pirates. Collectively, alongside those of us on this crew who would have also been worth over 100 Million—that is, Luffy and Zoro—they are known in this era as the Eleven Supernovas. The most powerful rookie pirates of this generation. And you wanna know the real kicker in all that?"
I leaned forward, locking eyes with Luffy as I spoke the next words.
"I hardly know spit about most of them."
Luffy's interest was piqued immediately, and the rest of the crew reacted half in dread, half in eagerness.
"Define 'hardly anything,' Cross," Raphey requested, now gazing hungrily at the posters I was holding.
I maintained my smirk as I tapped the posters with the back of my hand. "Their names, the names of their crews, snippets of their personalities, and the briefest glimpses into the natures of their abilities…" I drew out a pair of posters from the stack and let the crew see them. "With only two exceptions." I slid one out so that the owner's shark-toothed grin was visible. "The first, of course, is an old friend of ours: the captain of the Barto Club Pirates, Bartolomeo, A.K.A. 'Black Bart' Bartolomeo."
"Ah… wait, 'fwiend?'" Carue asked cautiously. "Whaddaya mean? Aye don't wemembah evah meeting him…"
"It was right before we set sail for the Grand Line," Sanji explained as he moved closer to get a better look at the poster. "One of Luffy's old enemies showed up to try killing him, and Bartolomeo became a fan after Luffy was saved at the last minute when lightning struck the platform where they both were."
"…Aye should be supwised about dat, aye weawwy should," the duck muttered acridly.
"Anyway, let's see here…" Sanji mused as he started reading the poster. "฿350 million? Geez, that's impressive. How did he—he punched out a Celestial Dragon?!"
That got reactions out of absolutely everyone, though mostly variants on "What?!".
"Actually, Sanji, he just took the credit; his first mate was the one who punched him out, and he's not happy about how the story got changed," I corrected with a grin. "Still, you do actually know him… provided you actually remember Gin, anyway."
Sanji blinked in shock before scoffing and shaking his head. "After he nearly caved my head in and then nearly killed himself protecting me from the MH5? How the heck could I ever forget." He looked upwards wistfully. "So he actually made it, huh? Good. Good for him."
"Yeah, I'm happy to hear he's alright!" Luffy nodded in agreement, before tilting his head quizzically. "Uh, who was he, again?"
I rolled my eyes as our fellow East Blue recruits all slammed to the ground. "Dead eyes, grayish skin, worked with Krieg? Gave you his gas mask, too, remember?"
The gears in Luffy's brain churned visibly for a second before he smacked his fist in his palm. "Oh, yeah! Sanji fed him when he got kicked out, and that was when I knew I wanted him as my cook! Now I'm really happy for him!"
Nami shook her head in equal parts fondness and exasperation before directing her attention to me. "Moving on… I'm guessing that the second exception is that psychopath that used Marines for a game of Jenga? What was it, Law?"
"'Surgeon of Death' Trafalgar Law, yes," I nodded, revealing the other poster… which held an even higher number. Nami blinked several times.
"…OK, how does he get ฿375 million? I mean, I get that what he did was bad, but what Bartolomeo did was blasphemy."
"Well, for starters, he had a jumpstart on Barto," I explained. "Before my involvement, he would have held the third-highest bounty of the Supernovas, at ฿200 million. But currently?" I read over the bounty and promptly raised my eyebrows in surprise. "Well, now… apparently the whole 'Jenga' thing was only the tip of the iceberg. He got ahold of those soldiers by invading a Marine base and taking it over, and then letting the public and his crew have the run of the place."
That freaked out more than a few of my crewmates.
"H-H-He took over an entire Marine Base?!" Usopp stammered fearfully.
"What the hell kind of monster is this guy?" Merry whistled in awe.
"Ah, if it's any consolation? He's strong, yeah, and he's only going to get stronger, but he didn't pull this off alone." I hastily silenced everyone's fears. "Rather, he had help, from… her." I drew out the appropriate poster. "'The Glutton' Jewelry Bonney, ฿235 million. Her appetite rivals Luffy's, and her powers are quite impressive. Though I'm guessing you don't want details?" I glanced at Luffy, and shrugged when he shook his head. "Okay, just checking. Lemme just run through the rest so that you all recognize them and then we'll move on to ours, alright?
At the nods of assent, I began laying down bounty posters one after another, starting with the one I deemed the most pressing. "Eustass 'Captain' Kid: ฿400 Million. In the original, his bounty was the only one higher than Luffy's, and he achieved it through sheer brutality. Case in point, this little boost in the ratings came from attacking a Marine training camp. He almost got killed in the process because there was a…" I winced sympathetically. "Wow, retired Admiral teaching there, that's unlucky… but make no mistake, this guy is a vicious son of a bitch and he is dangerous. I cannot be clear enough on this point. If you see him?" I showed the poster around. "Do not face him and do not piss him off. Because if you do, I can't guarantee you'll walk away."
"Are you seriously telling me that we've got another Lucci as a rival here?" Zoro grimaced.
"You especially wouldn't stand a chance against him, Zoro; his powers are almost as bad as the Rust-Rust Fruit for swordsmen." I blinked in realization. "Speaking of which, I've been meaning to ask—"
"Yubashiri can be fixed," Zoro interrupted, but it was accompanied by an angry sigh. "But not anytime soon. The blacksmith will finish the work, but it won't be done until long after we leave. So, I'm down to two swords for now. I assume you know where I can get another one?"
"Yes, and soon," I confirmed. He nodded, and I looked back at the posters.
"OK, one more thing about Kid before we move on: he's the only Supernova besides Luffy to have another Supernova on his crew." I held up the poster in question. "His first mate, 'Massacre Soldier' Killer, is worth ฿100 million on his ow—wait, what?" I stared back at the poster in confusion. "The hell—? That's barely two-thirds his canon bounty!
"Maybe he's still going to grow over time?" Funkfreed offered.
"Mmm… maybe?" I hedged uncomfortably. "Still… anyway, he's more levelheaded than Kid, but he's still dangerous; he's the only other Supernova I can confirm doesn't have a Devil Fruit. He's no pushover and he still has that epithet, so watch your backs."
I gave everyone a chance to process before shuffling for my next poster. "Anyways, next on our program is 'The Magician' Basil Hawkins. He's one of the most mysterious of the Supernovas, because I can't tell where his Devil Fruit abilities end and what I can only define as legitimate magic begins! And as for his crimes…" I took one look before reeling. "Holy—! Now there's a name I recognize! Apparently he got in a tussle with a damn Warlord and he walked away!"
Robin tensed up. "A formidable individual indeed…"
I shook my head in denial as I continued to read. "No… No, wait, that doesn't make any sense, he's skilled and his powers are weird, but I don't see how he could have actually managed to fight against—Ah," I concluded as I read the appropriate details. "Alright, now that makes more sense: Law and Bonney weren't the only ones working in pairs. Voodoo-boy had help from 'Red Flag' X. Drake, worth ฿266 million. The guy used to be a Marine Rear Admiral, but that's about the only solid thing I know; he's really hard to read, but one of the strongest Zoans I've seen, too. Makes sense that the two of them could at least go toe-to-toe with a Warlord. Ah!" I hastily snapped my head up as I realized what I was implying. "For the record, they didn't beat that Warlord, no, but they did manage to come out alive."
"Doesn't make them any less impressive…" Vivi mused thoughtfully.
"No kidding… Alright, we've still got three more to go… and we'll be continuing with Capone 'Gang' Bege: ฿277 million. Stereotypical mafia boss: father to his men, smart enough to know when to fold 'em. But if we wind up fighting, there is nobody in the world who the label 'one-man army' better applies to. And he… Uh…" I paused as I read over what was written before glancing up in confusion. "Ah… have any of you ever heard of Fort Lumose? It doesn't fall under my purview of knowledge."
"It's the World Government's main gold storage for the Grand Line, renowned for its high value and even higher security," Nami swiftly answered. A glazed look came over her eyes as a slight line of drool trailed out of her mouth. "And it's been the wet dream for many a thief over the years, myself included…"
"Huh…" I read over the poster again before proffering it to Nami. "Well, I guess Bege is living that dream, because he somehow managed to clean the place out."
"WHAT!?" Nami squawked, all but ripping the paper from from my hands as she tore through its contents.
"Robbed the place blind in all the confusion," I nodded in confirmation. "And knowing what I do of his powers, I've got a fairly good idea of how he did it, too."
Nami stared at the paper blankly for a second longer before… looking up with a blush!? "I think I might actually be in love…" she breathed.
I only just managed to place the bounties between my face and Sanji when he grabbed my collar. "Not the face, not the face! Besides, you never volunteered to raid Fort Lumose for her!"
Silence fell as Sanji forced his hand open and stalked away with a heavy drag of his cigarette. "…You live for today, Cross," he grit out. "You live for today."
I grimaced as I tugged my collar and started reading the bounties again. Then I did a double-take and grinned when I saw who was up next. "Ahh, here we go. My 'rival', 'Roar of the Sea' Scratchmen Apoo: ฿250 million. As for what he did…" I shot a grin at our ship guards. "You boys'll like this: he teamed up with the Great Kung Fu Fleet to take down a Marine task force."
"HA!" Boss shot his fist in the air triumphantly, while his students started exchanging chest bumps and highfives. "I didn't expect anything less from the Captain: kicking ass and taking the biggest names around so that they can nail them to the wall!"
"And last but certainly not least, 'Mad Monk' Urouge: ฿186 million. A native of a Sky Island, possibly Bilka, though I don't know that for sure, and he's overall a pretty good guy. Bit boisterous and maybe a bit spontaneous, but other than that…" I shrugged helplessly. "No idea. Anyway, as for what he did—"
I didn't just freeze. That implied a higher level of cognitive function than I actually possessed at the moment, because what I was reading—
"…Soundbite? Do the Takei."
"Ooooh myyyy," the snail obliged.
"Do we want to know?" Vivi deadpanned.
"…I'll let you judge," I whispered, slowly turning the poster to her.
Vivi quickly scanned it over before flushing like a torch. "Ooooh myyyy," she breathed.
"Ah, Vivi?" I winced sympathetically as I tapped her shoulder. "You've… got a little something…" I gestured at my own face.
Vivi blinked in confusion, patting around her face before wincing as she hastily wiped away the minute trail of blood she was sporting. "I… have no excuse," she concluded lamely.
I shook my head in disbelief as I gingerly placed the poster face down. "'Man of God' my ass…" I moaned.
"Different ways of worship?" Soundbite offered uneasily.
I considered that for a moment before shuddering. "No… No, that only makes it worse."
The silence hung in the air until Luffy dragged attention over to himself by clapping his hands together. "Alright, that was cool and we'll keep an eye out for those guys, but if that's everything you wanted to talk about, then I wanna get to our bounties!" Luffy exclaimed eagerly, snapping the tension like a twig.
I sighed in relief at that little distraction before nodding eagerly. "Alright, alright, I'm as eager as the rest of—er, most of you," I corrected myself as I felt a trio of glares hammer into me before bringing up the remaining bounties and grinning. "So, without further ado? Let's start at the tippy tippy top…" I laid down a poster sporting a very familiar grinning face. "With our very own 'Straw Hat' Monkey D. Luffy."
Everyone leaned forwards eagerly… and Luffy promptly shot his fists up with a victorious whoop.
"Woohoo, it went up!" Luffy cheered at the top of his lungs.
I nodded firmly in both awe and agreement. "By a mile, captain. From ฿300 million to 475? You have officially attained the highest bounty I myself have ever heard of. Heck, you've even managed to top the Warlords. All of them, as far as I know. They reaaaally want you dead!"
"Shishishi! Awesome!" my captain laughed as he pumped his fist in the air. The more sensible ones of the crew were rather subdued, but everyone else was rather awestruck.
"Next up, our first mate, 'Pirate Hunter' Roronoa Zoro. In the story, your bounty doubled to ฿120 million, entrenching you as the lowest of the Supernovas. And now…" I laid down the paper. "You're the second lowest, at ฿150."
"Tsk," Zoro grumbled, despite his wide grin. "So, unless the shit-cook has less than 75 million on his bounty, then I lost the bet… eh, what the hell." He started stretching his arms in preparation. "It's good impromptu training anyways. Bring it on."
"Suicidal morons…" Nami groaned, digging the heel of her hand into her forehead. "Screw it, in for a beri… you're already going down the ranks already, might as well keep going. Go ahead, rip it off like a bandaid. Tell me just how dead I am."
"Ask and you shall receive," I nodded as I started digging through the posters. "Little miss second mate, you have gone from the 'Cat Burglar' Nami worth a pittance of ฿16 million, to…" I slapped the poster down for all to see. And promptly stared in shock, along with everyone else. I slowly turned my stunned gaze to Zoro. "My apologies, Zoro," I breathed numbly. "You're not the second lowest Supernova. You're the third."
Nami's mouth hung open as she slowly picked up the poster and took in the long-range shot of herself standing on the deck of the Merry, Clima-Tact planted at her side and her thunderous Eisen Cloud wrapped around her like some kind of aura. The remaining traces of lightning in the air sure didn't hurt the image either.
"'Weather Witch' Nami…" the navigator breathed numbly. "Worth… 125 million?"
"And alongside that Barty guy…" Lassoo mused thoughtfully. "It looks like we have at least thirteen Supernovas."
"…Um… well, at least you weren't tricked into posing in a bikini?" I offered. "That really got Genzo's blood pressure pumping in the story."
Going by how Nami suddenly glared at me and her Cloud snapped to thunderous, that was not the right thing to say. "I'm pretty sure his pressure is still going to spike for another reason entirely! Let me make this easy for you: what the hell, Cross!?"
"Hey hey hey!" I raised my arms defensively. "In case you happened to forget, all I did was give you the Eisen Dial. You decided to fry ten battleships with enough voltage to power New York City, and yes that is impressive where I'm from!"
"I saved our lives!" Nami retorted.
"By frying ten battleships!"
Nami shut her mouth with an audible click, teeth grinding together, ozone starting to filter into the air. And then the clouds went back to normal right as she released an explosive sigh. "It's sad that I can't argue with that…" she muttered, pinching the bridge of her nose.
"If it's any consolation?" Robin offered in a gentle tone of voice. "I believe it's more a political move that's the fault of the World Government, rather than anything done by you yourself."
Nami snapped her eye open as she glanced at our archaeologist. "Explain?"
"Cross said it best," Robin shrugged. "You're the second mate of the Straw Hat Pirates, and we are currently among the most notorious pirates in the world. By ranking our officers so high, the World Government underlines the menace we pose as a group. It's also probably why Killer's bounty was lower than Cross expected, so as to further emphasize you and Zoro's bounties over his own." She then nodded at me. "I also imagine that there are in fact fourteen Supernovas in existence, counting our infamous third mate."
I frowned as I considered that. "Well, shit… that's no good, thirteen sounds way cooler than fourteen."
An ominous flash of lightning crackled around Nami as she clenched her jaw. "One more word like that and I really will punch you, Cross."
"Moving on!" I yelped as I scrambled with the bounties. "And since we've done it so far, let's continue in the order that we joined the crew… or at least that Luffy ran into us, though that's basically the same thing. So, where's Usopp's…"
"What was my old one, Cross?" the sniper asked eagerly.
"The same starting bounty as Luffy's, ฿30 million, but it wasn't for you, it was for the masked menace, Sniper King. But now—aha!" I said triumphantly, yanking out the relevant paper. "Well, it's still for the Sniper King, but he's not anonymous anymore. 'Sniper King' Usopp, ฿40 million. Congratulations, my good man, on an awesome bounty and an awesome picture." And with that, I slapped the poster down on the table.
Usopp looked at the picture of him standing on the Tower of Justice, Kabuto raised triumphantly over his head, and grinned as he saw the number. "I have a bounty…" he breathed in awe.
"Now, let's see here…" I said as I fingered through what I had left. "In the story, 'Black Leg' Sanji was renowned for being worth ฿77 million… PFF!" I snorted as I found the unmistakable image I needed. "And now he will be known the world over under the same name, worth ฿90 million… sorta, anyways."
"Huh?" Sanji, along with everyone else, looked at me quizzically - or at least with a quizzical expression. "What do you mean 'sorta'?"
"Well…" I snickered as I fought to keep myself under control. "They'll know you by name, anyways, but your picture…"
I held up the picture in question for Soundbite to see. The snail took one look at the poster…
"WAHAHAHA! HOOHOOHOO HEEHEEheeeeeHOOOHOHOOOO!"
Before absolutely dying with gut-busting laughter.
"Oooh, now this I gotta see!" Su laughed, hastily darting over clambering onto my opposing shoulder. "Is it as good as… it…" She trailed off into silence…
"TSEEHEEHEEHEE! TSEEHEEHEEHEEEHOOOH MY GOOOOD!"
Before falling off my shoulder howling, squirming around on the ground as she laughed. "I can't breathe, I CAN'T BREATHE!"
"What the hell's wrong with my poster, damn it!" Sanji demanded.
I considered that for a moment before shrugging and placing the poster down for all to see, and secured my headphones. "Congratulations, Sanji," I snickered. "You are officially one of the most infamous pirates in this day and age… for a completely unique reason."
For once, I was actually disappointed in the reaction. Sanji took one look at the wanted poster and just slumped forward, supporting himself with his hands on the table as a despondent cloud hanging over his head, accompanied by a mutter of "Who is this…?"
I blinked at the display before tilting my head to the side in disappointment. "Well, that was underwhelming…"
"≈√¡∞¢ç∫ߥ$œ¡γ¿∫‰£ç∂£‰¥!" Sanji howled in my face as he suddenly grabbed my collar and started shaking me vigorously.
"Ge-e-e-et him o-o-o-o-off of me-e-e-e!" I howled desperately.
The room was dead silent once my friends managed to wrestle our irate cook off of me, which gave me enough time to work out a weak "Translation?"
"SORRY, dude, THAT WAS ALL gibberish. LIKE, LITERAL gibberish," Soundbite answered dizzily, his eyes spinning wildly.
Still flopping bonelessly in Sanji's grip, I heard a rustle of paper, followed by Conis fighting to not laugh.
That was enough to snap Sanji out of his rage, and he dropped me on my ass before flopping back into one of the room's armchairs, staring vacantly up at the ceiling.
"Alright, all twisted humor aside," Vivi suggested, wincing as she looked the poster over herself. "Why don't we go ahead and correct this? We'll just use a Vision Dial to take a better picture, contact Smoker and—"
"NO."
The room jumped as I spoke up, and any protests died as I looked around at them with a dead serious expression. "I won't say much, but it is vital for our future that the world does not find out what Sanji looks like, and this time I adamantly swear to you that this is not a damn joke. If I do things right, we won't need it at all, but if anything goes wrong, then that picture will be critical in the future. The poster stays, no matter how embarrassing it might be, at least for now."
The following silence was deafening, but oddly enough, it was Sanji who recovered quickest, standing up and adjusting his collar uncomfortably. "…I'll trust you on this one, Cross," he said quietly, his tone utterly subdued and removing all possibility of argument. He then shot a glance at the poster Vivi was holding and shuddered. "Just… get it away from me, alright? Far, far, far away."
I nodded, but before I looked back at my collection of posters, I caught Zoro's eye. He gestured subtly at Nami and Vivi, and I nodded. He visibly fought to keep from smirking as I started rifling through the papers again.
"Alright, now for the moment I've really been waiting for…" I said eagerly, seizing on the paper as I saw my own form, posing rather epicly. I slowly withdrew it, and my face split with a grin at what I saw. "Oh, I am loving this so far. 'Voices of Anarchy' Jeremiah Cross and Soundbite—"
"HEY! How come I don't get MY OWN—"
And then all noise died as both he and I saw what was written in the bounty section.
For a few seconds, there was absolute silence and stillness as my partner and I stared wide-eyed at the poster.
"…OK, what's going on with you two?" Su scoffed, climbing up to my shoulder again. "Shouldn't you be cheering about this to literally all ends of the—"
Her mouth snapped closed and her eyes snapped wide open. Then she fell off my shoulder and dropped onto the floor, dead to the world and her tongue lolling out.
"Oh, for the love of you-know-who, it can't be that bad," Sanji growled, ripping the poster out of my numb hands. He then began choking as though he had tried to swallow a skeleton. It was with a wide-eyed look that he turned the poster around, showing it to the whole crew and causing them to stiffen as well.
"…I… I can't bring myself to feel upset about breaking 100 million anymore," Nami managed through an utterly dropped jaw. "This… ฿125 million is chump change compared to this."
"Unless I'm grossly mistaken?" Robin breathed. "I am fairly certain that most New World bounties are minor compared to this, and I am having a very difficult time recalling many others in the world with higher bounties."
"Speaking as someone who has intimate knowledge of the economics of the World Government, I never thought I'd find myself asking this, but… does the Navy even have that much liquid capital to spend on a single bounty?" Vivi squeaked.
"Technically yes, but usually when they lay down a bounty of this magnitude, it's because they never expect to actually pay it," Funkfreed explained solemnly.
"Words really do hit harder than anything else," Boss muttered.
"I think that you don't have to worry about there being fourteen Supernovas, Cross," Zoro said, his eyes still wide. "Because that… is way beyond those."
That finally made me snap out of my stupor. And really, there was only one thing I could say.
"WHAT THE HELL?!"
-o-
"WHAT THE HELL?!"
"…My my, Sengoku," Tsuru muttered as she dug a finger in her ear. "It appears I overestimated how much of your good sense remained regarding Cross."
"OHH, HELL NO!" Sengoku roared as he jabbed his finger at his long-time comrade. "YOU ARE NOT PINNING THIS MESS ON ME! I ORDERED AN ENTIRELY SANE BOUNTY OF 500 MILLION PLACED ON THAT MADMAN'S HEAD AND NOT A BERI MORE! THIS!?" He stabbed his finger on the face of the enemy of his health. "I WOULDN'T PUT A BOUNTY LIKE THIS ON THE SON OF DRAGON, AND I'M BEING LITERAL HERE!"
Tsuru's eyebrows rose, and she looked back at the report she was carrying. "You're either going senile…" she mused as she drew out a piece of paper and laid it on the Fleet Admiral's desk. "Or this really isn't your signature."
Sengoku snapped his gaze to the paper, peering closely at the page. He frowned contemplatively for a few moments.
After those few moments, all of the repair work that had been done to the tower was blown away as a common occurrence on the island reached an entirely new level of force and volume.
"GAAAAAAAAAAAAARP!"
-o-
Once I managed to get my little freakout under control with the aid of a hastily-provided paper bag, I stared at Robin in terrified despair. "For the love of all that's holy, please tell me I'm not the most wanted man in the world. Because there's being wanted, and then there's…" The words died in my throat, and I could only gesture helplessly at the poster and what it proclaimed:
'Voices of Anarchy' Jeremiah Cross and Soundbite: ฿1,500,000,000
"That title still belongs to Dragon by a fair margin, Cross, don't worry," Robin was quick to reassure me. "And you're not second either. Rather, you're currently in the lower half of the top 20. There are quite a few people in the world above you."
I started to sigh in relief, but I paused as I noticed her glancing to the side hesitantly. "Robin… who is worth more than me?"
"Ah…" Robin started rubbing the back of her neck as she refused to meet my gaze. "Kaido, Charlotte Linlin, Edward Newgate…"
"Those are Emperors!" I wheezed incredulously.
Robin winced at my outburst. "Ah… if you don't like that, then I imagine you won't be happy to know that Smoothie, Cracker and Jack were among those who you bumped down a rank as well."
"Dare I ask who they are?" I moaned out from beneath the hand I was using to massage my face.
"…for the sake of your sanity, I think it'd be best if I refrained from answering," Robin decided.
I tried to find some way, any way to respond to that—
BWAAAAAAAAAH!
When Robin, I, and everyone else in the room then slapped our hands to our ears as a very familiar noise suddenly bellowed out in the room. All eyes fell on an orange-bandana'd dugong, who was currently rolling on his shell laughing.
"HAHAHAHAHA! That might have murdered my ears, but I've always wanted to do that," Mikey snickered.
"WE KNOW!" the other four Dugongs roared.
"HAHAHA… heh…" Mikey simmered down, looking around at all of our glares and shrugging. "Hey, someone needed to break the mood. Besides, Cross can flip out about his…" He chuckled under his breath. "Stupidly obscene bounty on his own time, I just want to see the rest of them ASAP! Agreed?"
Everyone—even Luffy—hesitated.
"…Yeah."
Robin snapped her attention to me in shock. "Cross—!"
"I-It's alright," I reassured her, smiling weakly as I pulled myself together. "I am… still flipping out a bit that my head is worth what I have no doubt qualifies as a literal king's ransom… but I can deal with that later. For now?" I picked up the bounties I dropped and started shuffling through the names. "Let's move on and give everyone else their limelight!"
"Yeah!" Soundbite nodded eagerly. "PERSONALLY? I'M HAPPY! THAT'S A DOUBLE-BOUNTY! I'M THE MOST WANTED SNAIL in the world! I'm content, so let's get back to it!"
The tense atmosphere slowly faded, and soon enough, everyone who hadn't received their bounties yet was looking at me eagerly again. Nodding to myself, I looked down at the frontmost poster. Then, for the second time that day, I did a double-take. And then I smirked as a positively evil idea occurred to me.
"Hey, Cottontail!"
All lingering grogginess snapped out of Su as she snarled at me. "I put up with that from the slimeball and Conis, but who the blue hell gave you permission to call me that?"
"The World Government," I snickered as I held up the poster I'd spied. "Congratulations, it's your official epithet now!"
Su stiffened, her jaw dropping in shock. "I… I actually have a bounty?"
"Su has a bounty?!" Conis gasped in agreement.
"Yup!" I nodded hastily, only just managing to keep my grin off my face. "Matter of fact… you're worth 2000 times what Chopper was!"
"Really!?" Chopper gasped, snapping into his Heavy Point and staring over my shoulder. "Let me see, let me see!"
"Same here, same here!" the fox in question squealed, clambering up onto Chopper's shoulder again and joining him in staring at the poster eagerly… before bristling furiously. "'COTTONTAIL' SU WORTH A MEASLY ฿100 THOUSAND?! 'PET'!? I'M GOING TO CLAW SOMEBODY'S FUCKING THROAT OUT!"
"Wait, what do you mean? Conis introduced you as her pet," I asked quizzically.
"That was when I was still a civvie, now I'm a part of the damn crew! I'm not a pet, I'm the—!"
"Bullet-monkey?" Soundbite chirped innocently.
"Yes!" Su jabbed her paw at the snail before stiffening as she fully registered his words. "NO! I'm not the bullet-monkey, I'm the powder-monkey! Powder-fox! GRAH!" Su collapsed flailing onto her back as she scratched her head in outrage.
"Wait, one-hundred…" Chopper's face screwed in thought for a moment. Then his eyes went blank with the utmost of outrage. "WHAT ARE YOU WHINING ABOUT, YOU SNIVELLING RODENT!? I WAS WORTH FIFTY!"
"He was worth fifty?" everyone else asked incredulously.
I shrugged nonchalantly, my smirk remaining fixed. "The World Government confused 'Cotton Candy Lover' Tony Tony Chopper for our crew's pet, soooo yeah."
Chopper's face split into a sickly smile, his eyes seeming to shine cyan. "'Cotton. Candy Lover'… 'Pet'… hehe… heeheeheeheehee… hahahahahaHAHAHAHAAAAA!" The suddenly psychopathic reindeer threw his head back and cackled malevolently. "SOMEBODY'S HEAD IS GOING TO ROLL FOR THIS! HAHAHA—!"
I hastily shuffled through the posters and sighed in relief with what I came up with. "Even when they're calling you the 'Spark of Genius' and valuing you at ฿66 million?"
"HAHA—eh?" Chopper cut himself off, snapping back to his Brain Point and leaving Su to drop to the ground with an indignant squawk.
"See for yourself!" I proclaimed, turning the poster so that he could see the side-by-side pictures of himself in both his Brain and Heavy Points, both holding scalpels and vials in their respective hooves and hands, and both with unmistakable gleams in their eyes and grins, the former relatively more adorable and the latter unmistakably menacing. Probably trying to emphasize the Jekyll and Hyde angle, if I had to guess.
Chopper shakily accepted the poster, staring at it in numb silence, before breaking out into a massive grin, stars of awe twinkling in his eyes, all while he himself started dancing in place. "I have my own bounty! I have my own bounty! I bet Doctorine'll hang it up in her office, and even use it for target practice when she's bored!"
I opened my mouth to ask why he would ever dare be happy about that. I then closed it, because such things were better left unknown, and started rifling through the posters for the next one. As I saw the shock of blue hair, I grinned and plucked it out. "OK, next we move on to our very own 'Corsair Princess', who has boosted from ฿55 million to—!" My words died in my throat as I saw the poster in full. "…oh, your poor father," I finally concluded lamely.
"POOR KOHZA more like!" Soundbite cackled before cocking his head to the side thoughtfully. "Actually, on second thought? HE MIGHT ENJOY this turn of EVENTS."
"Oh, don't tell me those bastards actually had the balls to make me a Supernova, too?" Vivi asked in equal parts dread and anger.
"No…" I hedged uncomfortably, wincing as she sighed in relief. "But they did make you infamous for a whole other reason, namely by playing you for a patsy again, the same way they played Nami in the story."
I handed her the poster. She took one look at it and… well, I couldn't be sure if she was trying to pale or blush. Probably both. "Meep," she squeaked fearfully.
I couldn't exactly fault her for her brain stalling like that. After all, learning that you're suddenly worth ฿80 million Only Alive is one thing… but learning that you're worth ฿80 million and that your bounty picture is basically you posing like a centerfold is another entirely.
Still… hands holding her hair up behind her head, a bikini that was modest and yet at the same time generous, and all at an angle that even made her scar look good? Credit to Attachan, the man could snap a good picture if nothing else. Though unless I missed my mark?
"He said it was for charity and I just wanted to get used to my scar…" Vivi wept almost comically.
I doubted that that made things any better for the subject in question.
"Oh, you sweet summer child…" Nami sighed as she laid a comforting hand on her friend's shoulder.
"THE HELL ARE YOU PITYING ME FOR!?" said friend roared, nearly ripping Nami's hand off. "YOU FELL FOR IT TOO, AND I BET YOU DID IT PURELY FOR THE DAMN MONEY!"
"Yeah," Nami nodded slowly, not even missing a beat. "But that was in a story, and knowing, well, me, I most likely did it for the sake of getting paid upfront and with cash. In this reality, I didn't get plastered over the bedroom walls of 'interested parties' the world over for free."
Vivi considered that for a moment…
"WAAAAAAAH!"
Before collapsing to her knees and bawling out near literal fountains of tears.
"Thewe thewe, Vivi…" Carue patted her back comfortingly. "It's awight, it's awight, we'we get thwough this togethah, I pwomise!"
"Well, now."
All eyes turned to Robin as she suddenly spoke, holding the currently offending poster in one of her hands. "It would appear that there is an addendum to Princess Nefertari's bounty. Something about her being accompanied by a 'Carue the Duck', but not having a picture of him."
"RAAAAAAAGH!" the gypped princess howled as she started throttling her panicked bodyguard.
"Chopper, stop dancing and sedate her," I sighed before casting a glance at Robin. "And you. …really?"
The archaeologist cocked her head to the side with a beatific smile. "Are you saying you don't see the family resemblance?"