Chapter 43 - Post-Enies Lobby Pt 1 4/4

One second, Merry's head was bowed and she was sobbing her eyes out, the next it snapped up and her gaze locked on dead ahead, a pair of utterly evil golden stars glinting in her eyes. She spared a second to glance at Soundbite and slash a finger across her throat before she shoved her crutches into the ground, effectively flinging Merry forward.

And then…

CHOMP!

…the world just seemed to… well, stop turning as once anew everyone froze.

"Ooooh myyyy gooood…" I dragged out incredulously.

"Well, now…" Robin breathed.

"Oh, for fuck's sakes…" Nami moaned, dropping her hands in her face.

"What the…!?" Coby and Helmeppo gaped in shock.

"PFFF…" Soundbite snorted, very visibly holding himself back from cackling. "T-T-TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES, FOLKS, sorry!" The second he finished that last word he burst out howling. "HOOHOOHOOHEEHEEHEEhahahahaaaaaa!"

Garp sloooowly glanced over his shoulder, shock written across his face. "W-What the—?"

Merry's grin widened around the mouthful of his ass she'd bitten into. "Gr't yer t'th."

And then she redoubled the strength of her bite and things got…

"YEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGHHH!"

Interesting.

Years in the future, Monkey D. Garp would still swear up and down to anyone and everyone who would listen that the scars on his ass came from either a bear trap, a snapping turtle or a juvenile Sea King that someone had left on his office chair, either as a practical joke, as part of an assassination plot, or on account of his forgetting that he'd left it there the day before.

And years in the future, nobody would believe him on account of the Marine witnesses present spreading the true story like wildfire in spite of how much he threatened and pleaded with them afterwards.

Said true story being that a little girl had sunk her teeth into his ass like a freaking cobra and absolutely refused to let go, no matter how much he howled and ran around frantically, arms flailing with all the dignity of a cat in a water-soaked sack in a room full of rocking chairs. And, quite honestly, there was only one way I, or hell, anyone could react to it.

"PFFHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!" I cackled, falling onto the ground, pounding the floorboards with my fists. "TH-THIS IS COMEDY GO-HO-HO-HOLD! PFFHAHAHAHAAAA!"

"SHISHISHISHISHI!" Luffy howled alongside me, rolling about as he clutched his gut. "THIS IS GREAT! GO MERRY! SHISHISHISHI!"

"S-S-Someone get a picture of this! It'll be worth millions!" Nami shrieked, clutching Sanji in a desperate bid to keep herself upright. Sanji, for once, didn't fly into a Love Hurricane due to being too occupied with supporting himself on Nami.

"I-I'm trying!" Conis wheezed, her arm spasming furiously as she tried to hold her Vision Dial properly and stay upright. "B-B-But I'm laughing too h-hard! I c-c-can't keep a s-steady hand!"

"TSEEHEEHEEHEE!" Su, meanwhile, had no such restrictions and was flailing about on her back as she kept laughing.

In fact, most of the room was on the floor; the only ones upright were Zoro, Boss, and Robin, and they were either slumped over or on their knees. Even among the Marines, nobody was composed enough to be bothered to help their boss; Coby and Helmeppo were laughing themselves to tears, the grunts were accumulating grass stains, and the cool guy—Bogard, that's the name I knew him by—Bogard was hiding his face with his fedora, the shaking of his shoulders betraying the fact that he was trying with every fiber of his being not to burst out laughing himself.

Overall, it was… yeah, it was just straight-up hilarious.

At least five minutes passed before I managed to get enough of my mental facilities flaring to wonder what would happen when Garp finally got it in his head to get her off. The thought that came to mind brought with it a solution that would put an end to the conflict in a most beautiful way.

As such, I forced myself to my feet, staggered over to the flailing Garp, and grabbed Merry's torso. I tried to yank her off, but she barely even budged a bit. Still, not to be denied, I lifted my foot, planted it on Garp's backside and shoved as hard as I could. It was a hell of a struggle, but eventually I managed to yank her free!

RIIIIP!

Though it wasn't from any weakness on Merry's part.

Garp blinked slowly and sighed in relief as he realized the absence of pain in his hindquarters before stiffening as he also felt a breeze pass between his legs. "Oooooh sonnuva—!" He snapped his gaze around and stared in horror at the sight of his shorts hanging from Merry's grinning jaws. "Alright, brat, you listen and you listen good. Whatever the hell you're thinking about doing, you stop thinking about it right the hell—!"

Merry sucked the shorts down in a single gulp before adopting a shameless grin. "Tasty!"

Garp's eyes twitched even as his jaw, as well as that of every other Marine and Luffy, dropped in shock.

I blinked numbly as I processed the… let's say 'interesting' developments that had just occurred before glancing down at Merry, my eyebrow cocked in confusion. "…Wasn't your figurehead supposed to be a sheep?"

"Baaaaah-ah-ah-ah!" Merry bleated unabashedly in response.

"Fair 'nuff," I conceded.

"HEEHEEHEEHOOHOOHOOHAHAHAAAAAA!" Soundbite howled. "I THINK I SEE some of me in her! Hahahahaaaa!"

"You… little…!" Garp grit out as he strangled the air before him. "What the hell is your problem!? Where the hell did all of that cutesy crap from before go!?"

Merry silently stared at him for a second before bowing her head, her hood ensuring that all that was visible was the corner of a light smirk. "Ha… hahahaaaa…"

And then, out of the blue—!

"MWAHAHAHAHAAAAA!" Merry flung her head back and started cackling like a madwoman. "YE FOOLISH MARINE SOPS! YE REALLY DIDN'T GET THE MEMO DID YE!? WELL ALLOW ME TO MAKE MATTERS UTTERLY CLEAR FOR YE!"

And with that, Merry grabbed the sides of her jacket and jerked it—

I paled in realization. "Ahhh, shit, we forgot to take our flag when we got off you, didn't we?"

The grin Merry shot at me matched that of the Jolly Roger emblazoned on the t-shirt she was wearing tooth for tooth. "I assure ye, I consider it to be a most fortuitous mistake. Now, if ye'll excuse me—DO YE GET THE PICTURE NOW, YE LANDLUBBER FOOLS!?" she shouted, returning to cackling at Garp and his men. "I MIGHT APPEAR TA BE A CUTE AND INNOCENT CARAVEL ON THE OUTSIDE, SURE, BUT IN ME KEEL AND SOUL?" She thumped a fist to her chest. "AH'LL EVER AND ALWAYS BE NOTHIN' LESS THAN A ROUGH-AND-TUMBLE, GROG-SWILLIN' MARINE-SINKIN' BUCCANEER, THROUGH AND THROUGH, AND DON'T YE EVER FORGET IT!"

I stared at Merry in open-mouthed awe as she finished her tirade and crossed her arms with a triumphant smirk, and I reacted in the only appropriate way I knew.

I smiled contentedly as I patted her head. "I am so proud of you, Merry. So proud."

"She's already taunting the Marines like a pro…" Usopp sobbed into his arm. "T-They grow up so fast!"

"To see the next generation do you proud!" Boss sobbed right along with him as he pumped his fist in the air. "A MAN'S ROMANCE AT ITS FINEST!"

"GO, BOSS, GO!" the TDWS concurred.

"You little…" Garp snarled out murderously, veins popping out on his forehead as he slowly cracked his knuckles. "Well, if you're seriously so intent on being a pirate, then I'm only happy to—!"

"Ah-Ah-AH!~" Soundbite sang with a shit-eating grin plastered on his face. "REMEMBER, GARP: we were having 'TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES' during this entire bit; YOU START JACK, I DROP THE SCRAMBLE, AND ALL THE REST OF THE WORLD will hear is YOU pummeling poor, innocent Merry and her big brother."

"The snail's right, Garp," I smirked confidently. "Hurt us now, and you will enjoy what I would like to call a 'Reverse Celestial Dragon' reaction. I.E., civilians rise up to lynch you. Care to try it?"

"…You've earned your place as the tactician of this crew, Jeremiah Cross," Garp nodded with begrudging respect. Merry and I exchanged victorious grins, before freezing as he pinned us both with murderous glares. "And you've both earned a spot on my shitlist. Mark my words, there will be consequences."

"Leave my crew alone, Gramps!" Luffy protested, before shrinking in on himself when Garp turned his a glare at him. It only lasted for a moment, however, before Luffy set his face in stone. His legs were trembling like Usopp's, but he stood strong in the face of his grandfather's anger. "You can hit me all you want… but I won't forgive anyone who hurts my friends," he growled.

I had only a moment to appreciate him quoting Shanks again before Garp reared back his fist, clearly preparing to hit his grandson—

SHINK! "And family or not, I don't take threats to my captain lightly."

Only to pause as Zoro, Wado and Kitetsu in hand, moved to stand beside Luffy. Garp raised a brow.

"The mosshead has a point," Sanji conceded, moving to Luffy's opposite side. I hastily glanced at Lassoo and nodded at him, prompting him to snap into his hybrid form and snarl menacingly even as he and I moved along with the rest of the crew to stand beside the Monster Trio.

"After all, a captain's duty may be to his crew—" Boss continued, the TDWS flanking him proudly.

"But a crew's duty is to their captain," Nami finished as she and Usopp both readied their weapons.

"It should be obvious by now, Vice Admiral Garp," Vivi said coolly, a Lion Cutter spinning in her hands. "If you threaten one of the Straw Hat Pirates, you threaten all of the Straw Hat Pirates."

Garp took in the sight of us all standing together. Sanji, Chopper, and Robin all glared at him in challenge, while the rest of the crew had their weapons in hand to match their glares. And Luffy? His expression hadn't faltered, and his trembling had stopped dead.

Merry took it all in for a second before adopting a massive fond smile. "I love this crew…" she whispered joyously.

After a few seconds, Garp lowered his arm with a put-upon sigh—and I think a mutter of 'damn déjà-vu'? Either way, a bittersweet grin came over his face. "Well, if nothing else good came of this, I'm glad my stupid grandson has found companions who care about him that much." He turned away and folded his arms with a huff. "Eh, whatever. I'm on vacation right now anyway, I'm under no obligation to try catching you. Do whatever the hell you want, however utterly foolish it might be."

I heaved a sigh of relief before snapping my head up with an eager grin as inspiration suddenly slugged me. "Weeell, if that's the case, seeing as you're not busy and all, think you could spare the time to outline a method or three on how to train some techniques? Like, oh, off the top of my head… Haki or—?"

"Not on your life, ass," Garp snorted as he dug a pinkie up his nose.

I shot a desperate look at Vivi, and she shot a long-suffering look at the ceiling before smiling beatifically. "Oh, come now, Vice Admiral, don't be like that. Please tell us everything you know about Haki?" Vivi 'asked' politely.

Garp paused for a moment, and for that moment, I thought it had worked.

"BWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

I found myself brutally disabused of that notion when he started laughing his head off.

"HAHAHAAAAAHAHAHAHaaaa!" Garp finally wound down, wheezing as he pressed his hand to his face before glancing at us from under his fingers. "Really, Cross is one thing, the world knows he's completely insane, but I'd expect the rest of you to know how completely absurd the concept of me answering to a will as weak as that is."

Vivi paled in shock. "W-Wait, you—?"

"Noticed that you just tried to enforce your Sovereign's Will on me?" Garp scoffed with a wave of his hand. "Psh! Of course I did! After all…" He shot a smirk over his shoulder. "You're not one of the very few people who I answer to!"

I prepared to throw in the towel, but then a thought flitted through my mind and I hastily pasted a defeated scowl on my face. "Ah, but of course! Vivi's will was in no way a match for your own! She could never get you to do what she said properly, I should have known!" I proclaimed melodramatically.

"Feh, moron," Garp scoffed as he dug his finger in his ear. "You know as well as I do that willpower is only half the battle when it comes to the Sovereign's Will subset of Conqueror's Haki! The other half of it is respect! After all, Conquerors get people to kneel before them through a sheer flood of willpower. Sovereigns, on the other hand, like your princess friend, play on the natural aura of leadership they exude to get people to bow and obey before them. Different personalities and ways of ruling, different results. But, eh." He waved his hand dismissively. "You already knew all that."

"Or at least, we know it now!" Su snickered behind her paw. "Thanks a lot for the tidbits, gramps! Tseeheeheeheeeee!"

Garp froze in spot as the blood drained from his face before he wheeled around and started strangling the air… again. "Yoooou…"

"And we are back!" I said, stopping the Vice Admiral in his place as I rolled my finger at Soundbite. "Sorry about that, loyal viewers, but… well, let's just say that the good Vice Admiral may have had a bout of narcolepsy, which may have resulted in the unfortunate and untimely demise of his pants. So, following the trouser malfunction that the world will never know of, we stand here with Vice Admiral Garp now perfectly composed, but without suitable bottom garments. So…" I glanced downward with a cocked brow. "Fire hydrant-print boxers, eh?"

Garp promptly flushed brick red, though whether it was from outrage or being reminded that he was still sans pants, I couldn't even begin to tell.

"Points for being innovative, at the least." My grin widened tauntingly. "Oooor not, seeing as the figurehead of your ship is a dog. Do I sense a theme here?"

At that point, everyone within earshot lost it again.

-o-

The raucous laughter coming from the Transponder Snail was only matched by the raucous laughter coming from two long-suffering aged citizens.

"BAHAHAHAHA! Ohohoh, I've wanted to hear that old bastard get his for decades! This has been coming for a long time!" Dadan crowed as she pounded on the makeshift bar she'd set up in her hideout.

"WAHAHAHA! I'm right there with you, bandit! I'll never object to the SBS again, this justifies everything!" Woop Slap cackled.

Makino cocked an eyebrow at the display before leaning towards Dogra and Magra. "Is this the happiest you've ever seen yours too?"

"By far," the bandits nodded in sage agreement.

"Well, in that case, this calls for something special!" the kindly bartender proclaimed enthusiastically, walking over to a corner of the bar and withdrawing an unopened bottle. "I was saving this bottle of Wano Rice Wine that Shanks left me for a good time, and this seems as good an occasion as any to open it!"

"AGREED!" Woop Slap and Dadan proclaimed eagerly.

As the laughter redoubled, Makino filled a few glasses, passed them around and raised one for herself. "To the Straw Hat Pirates, who never cease to amaze and inspire!"

"KANPAI!"

-o-

Garp fumed and hissed indignantly for a moment before slumping over with a defeated sigh. "Oh for the love of—enough, enough! Luffy, your crew is utterly exhausting and I give up. BUT!" he barked as he drew himself up and slid his shades back over his eyes. "I'm not going to let that get me down! I'm still in a beautiful and thriving city, and I'm still on the first vacation I've had in years! So, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go and enjoy myself and nothing anyone can say is going to change my—!"

"Puru puru puru puru!"

"Call on the direct line from Marineford for you, Vice Admiral," Bogard deadpanned as he withdrew a Transponder Snail from his coat.

Garp stiffened fearfully, knocking his glasses askew in the process. "As I was saying, I'm going right back to my ship and setting off for Marineford right as soon as my men are finished with their shore leave!" he bit out hastily, spinning on his heel and striding out of the building as fast as his feet could take him. Then he paused just outside and turned back around, his arms crossed and his head bowed.

"But still… I suppose that while I have this opportunity… so long as my voice has even half a chance of reaching my idiot son… Then this just has to be said."

Everyone fell silent in anticipation of what Garp could possibly want to say.

"GET A JOB!"

WHAM!

Honestly now, it was my fault, well and truly. I really should have known better than to expect anything even remotely different from someone like a damn Monkey. Still, as it was, at least I was starting to gain a tolerance to head pains from hitting my head against the floor so much. I was also starting to taste copper, though I'm fairly certain that was supposed to be a bad thing.

"Eh…?" I slowly raised my hand as I lifted my head. "Did you not hear that little speech I made earlier? About him freeing the world from tyranny and all that?"

Garp's response was to snort out a load of steam. "THAT'S A HOBBY!"

"Oooof course," I groaned as I hung my head in defeat. "What the hell was I thinking?"

"Well, that's it, then," Garp spun on his heel and legitimately booked it, the Marines outside hastily moving out of his path. "SAFE TRAVELS!"

We all stared silently after him before Luffy grinned at Coby. "So! What's new with you?"

I hastily elbowed Nami as I once again covered the mic. "I'll direct their conversation and pump him for as much intel as I can get if you'll record it all," I hissed subtly.

The CHA-CHING! I practically heard as her spine snapped straight was all I needed in answer. Heck, maybe this could even make paying off my newly acquired debt semi-plausi—!

"STRAW HATS! STRAW HATS!"

'What did I do to deserve this?' I groaned inwardly as I turned towards the frantic and disheveled Galley-La worker who was running up towards the hole in the house. "Before you say anything!" I cut him off with a raised hand. "I already know what you're here about and it's being handled."

"YOU—wait, what? So you already know about the crazy elephant in your crew's storage locker?"

"Yes, we've already dealt with the Mari—" I froze as his words sunk in, and all eyes turned towards him. "I'm sorry, could you repeat that?"

"Eh, just that there's a crazy elephant in your crew's storage locker," the worker shrugged indifferently. "But hey, if you've already got that handled—!"

"Sir, sir," I interrupted him again. "I'd just like to remind you that I've been on the Grand Line for several months now, so I think that it says a lot about just how utterly confused I am when I say WHAT!?"

-o-

"…You have got to be kidding me…" I muttered incredulously as the Galley-La worker and I leaned around the corner of the door to my crew's storage locker, peering inside. "Out of the literal dozens of discarded swords on that godforsaken bridge that I could have grabbed, I chose the one with the elephant Zoan in it!?"

"BAROOOOOOH!"

"Apparently yes," Soundbite deadpanned, following Funkfreed with his eyes as he reared up on his hind legs, trunk flailing about as he fought off the half-dozen dockworkers that were trying to subdue him. "And for the record, HE HASN'T SAID JACK YET, HE'S JUST BEEN YELLING INCOHERENTLY."

"Congratulations, Cross," Lassoo chuffed flatly as he ground a paw into his forehead. "Your luck has officially hit an all-time low."

I grimaced as I found myself unable to refute that statement before morphing it into a scowl. "That may be so, but you're forgetting one particular aspect of the luck of the Straw Hats: when our luck bites us in the ass, we turn it right the hell around and make it work for us!" And with that, I walked out from around the doorframe and strode into the warehouse. "Come on, guys."

Lassoo briefly eyed the rampaging elephant-sword before swallowing audibly. "Ah… can we vote on this, or—?"

"Lassoo!"

The dog-cannon flinched and followed me with a defeated whimper. Nodding, I turned in the general direction of the elephant and marched up to about a few meters away from him, waving off the shipwrights trying to subdue him in the process. "Hey, Timmy Trumpet!" I called out, spreading my arms invitingly. "Remember me?"

The white behemoth swung his head towards me, his narrowed eyes snapping wide with outrage.

"BAROOOOOOOOOOOOH!"

The Zoan-weapon turned his mass towards me, his trunk reverting to a massive blade as he prepared to mow me down…

"HOLD IT!"

Only to stall in place when I snapped my hand up.

"Listen," I calmly prompted. "I can imagine just how totally pissed off you are, and honestly, going by the craters you're sporting there—" I gestured at the talon-prints indented in Funkfreed's brow. "You have every right to be. But all I ask is for a few minutes of your time, alright? If you're not satisfied by the time I'm done talking…" My expression fell flat as I jerked my thumb at Lassoo. "Then you can take it up with him."

"GRRRRRRR!"

Lassoo drew his hackles back in a vicious snarl, flames roiling between his jaws.

Funkfreed eyed his fellow animal-weapon, his expression unreadable, before allowing his trunk to relax back into flesh with a dark snort.

"Glad to hear it," I said, crossing my arms. "Now, then, while you've got a legitimate grievance about the dents you've taken to the skull…" I snapped my finger up and pointed it at him. "I think that that's the only legitimate grievance you have right now!"

"Eh?!" Soundbite, Lassoo and the dockworkers around me yelped incredulously, matching Funkfreed's own dumbstruck look.

"Well, yeah!" I forged on. "After all, it was thanks to our crew invading Enies that you saw the first piece of action you've undoubtedly experienced in… what, a year? A decade? Your entire life? Because, come on, let's face facts here! You were Spandam's sword, and Spandam was a lot of things: a bastard, a degenerate, the list goes on and on, but two things he was above all else? He was a weakling and a coward! That means that he never, ever got into fights if he could help it and you were a superfluous accessory at best. And can you honestly tell me that I'm wrong?"

The elephant snorted and jerked his head forward in defiance, but after a second of me glaring him down, he looked away, and I heard a mumbled sound come from his mouth.

"One for one," Soundbite confirmed. "Apparently he was more pet than WEAPON."

"Eesh, poor bastard…" Lassoo flinched sympathetically.

"My thoughts exactly," I nodded. "Now, look, Funkfreed… what I want you to do for me is I want you to confirm your life up until now with whatever you remember of the Bridge of Hesitation. You remember how I grabbed you, right? I was actually using you for once in your life, how you finally got to fulfill your life's purpose?"

The sword glanced side to side fretfully for a moment before letting out a positive-sounding bray.

"That's what I hoped. Now, look, you're at a crossroads right now." I popped up a finger. "On the one hand, you can stay loyal to the Marines; fight me, possibly fight my crew, inevitably get your ass whipped and we'll let Garp take you back to the Corps. Maybe they'll destroy you so that they can reacquire your fruit, more likely they'll transfer you to another officer for their usage. Whether they'd be better or worse than Spandam, I couldn't tell you. No matter what, though, it'd be a gamble. Personally?" I popped up my second finger, and then pointed it at myself. "I'd take the second option, the guaranteed satisfaction option, of coming with me, and letting me be your wielder."

"WHAT!?" everyone squawked incredulously, even Funkfreed reeling back in shock.

"Well, yeah!" I said, throwing my arms out. "Come on, think about it! You know how utterly insane my life is, how nuts my crew's lives are! And me, personally, I get in fights all the damn time! And, well…" I flexed my gauntlets demonstratively. "As good as these babies are, I do enjoy having a guaranteed back-up weapon on me. My old baton was good, but, well… it's gone now. And, I'll admit, I'm not a swordsman, that is a fact, and for awhile I'd be pulling a Spandam by relying on your powers… but…"

I clenched my fists. "But I'm willing to try. I'm willing to learn. I'm willing to match whatever effort you put in, step for step. You do right by me by supporting me, and I'll do right by you by not only helping you use your abilities to the fullest, but by giving you the best damn fights any sword on these seas has ever known!" I held my hand out to him invitingly. "Whaddaya say… friend?"

Funkfreed brayed and trumpeted hesitantly, glancing to and fro as he debated with himself.

"Ah… hey. Funkfreed, right?"

The elephant-blade blinked in surprise as Lassoo padded forward, his head cocked to the side.

"Listen…" The dog-gun glanced to the side sheepishly as he rubbed his shoulder. "I'm… sorry for my earlier reaction, alright? That was… not nice. But I've stood where you are now, and if you want my advice?" He affixed Funkfreed with a firm gaze. "If you turn him down, you'll be making the worst mistake of your life. This pirate…" Lassoo shot a smirk over his shoulder at me. "He's as nutty as they come, insane even, but he's more than a good wielder, he's a good friend. And if he wants you as his sword? Then friend, you should consider yourself to be the luckiest damn blade on the six seas… just like how I'm the luckiest damn gun."

I sniffed gratefully as I fought to hold my tears back before kneeling down and scratching Lassoo's chin. "Good dog," I whispered happily.

"Hweehweehwee!" Lassoo laughed as he planted a slobber-laden lick on my face. "Best friend!"

Funkfreed kept his head bowed as he thought things over. Then, at last, a determined glint came into his eye.

"Alright…" he whispered before raising his head and voice confidently as he extended his trunk. "Alright, I'm in! Put 'er the—!"

SMASH!

He cut himself off as both he and the rest of us faceplanted hard enough to shake the floor. But above the din of the titanic impact sounded out a single, very familiar noise.

"HAHAHAHOOHOOHOOHEEHEEHEE!" Soundbite howled ecstatically. "Oh joyous day, OH JOYOUS DA-A-AY!"

"YOU ARE FUCKING SHAMELESS, SLIMESTAIN!" I spat viciously as I hauled my face up from the ground. "WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO EVERY ANIMAL HAVING THEIR OWN DAMN VOICE!?"

"SCREW THAT!" Soundbite cackled in my face in response. "This was a golden opportunity, no way in hell was I LETTING SOMETHING LIKE MORAL INTEGRITY STAND IN THE WAY OF THE HOLY TRIFECTA!"

"HE IS A GOD-DAMN ELEPHANT!" I snarled as I jabbed my finger at said elephant in the room. "WHERE IN THE HELL DO YOU GET MOUSE FROM THAT!?"

"I get it from 'I DON'T GIVE A RAT'S ASS!'" the snail replied with a smirk. "And I don't give a damn if the demons Disney calls its lawyers REACH ACROSS THE DIMENSIONAL BARRIER TO SLAP MY SMILE OFF MY FACE WITH COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT, the voice stays!"

"I WILL FUCKING EAT YOU!"

"What did I just get myself into…?" Funkfreed wept into the ground.

"No takebacksies, we're stuck on this mad ride together…" Lassoo chuffed sympathetically.

"Ugh…" I groaned as I got back on my feet. "Screw it, I know better than to try and change his mind, so let's just get back to the crew." I held my hand out to him. "If you wouldn't mind?"

"Ah, right, gimme a sec…" Funkfreed nodded hastily, placing his trunk to the ground and shifting to his sword-form, leaving an ornate blade planted upright in the stonework.

I blinked in surprise at the display before grabbing Funkfreed's hilt and drawing him from the ground, weighing him in my hand a bit before turning to the nearest Galley-La worker. "Alright, first things first: Did he actually crush anything important?"

"Ah… nah, nah, nothing like that," the shipwright assured me. "He knocked a few things over, sure, but everything looks to be alright."

I heaved a sigh of relief. "Perfect. If Nami found out that my new sword actually managed to crush her mother's trees…" I shivered in horror. "Yeah, no. I want to be able to sleep at night. Alright, alright, one more question before I go…" I pointed at Funkfreed. "Got any spare sheaths lying around that are close to a size him?"

-o-

A few minutes later, the telltale smell of burning wood and grilling meat reached my nostrils a block away from the pool where I knew the crew would be by this time, if the sunset dyeing the island orange and the sound of festivities filling the air were anything to go by.

I had to admit, I was really looking forward to it; after all, this was more than a mere impromptu shindig, it was the long-overdue and perfectly justified celebration of us reclaiming everything that the world sought to take away from us. But it was for that same reason that I was also making sure to take a longer than usual route back to our impromptu HQ, rather than heading for the light and smoke immediately.

After all, there was one loose end yet remaining from Enies Lobby, and I intended to nail it to the wall once and for fucking all.

And so, as I noticed Soundbite suddenly snap to alertness, I prepared myself for what I knew was coming.

"Cross?" the snail whispered nervously.

"Hold on, Soundbite, we're almost there," I waved him off.

"But Cross—!"

"There'll be enough meat even with Luffy there, there are Sea-King-killer ships aplenty around here, and the waters don't lack for prey either."

"Cross, seriously—"

"Soundbite, quit panicking. Everything is alright," I huffed, folding my arms behind my head as I came to a stop.

"THE HELL IT—"

"But," I cut him off sharply, my tone cold. "If it'll put your mind at ease, just remember that he's not someone who would go back on his word, and the fact that Sengoku would have to be an absolute idiot to touch us here after we so soundly dropkicked the entire globe a few days ago means that he isn't here on orders. But still, that does leave us with the pressing question: what possible reason could you have to be here, Kuzan?"

Soundbite snapped his jaws shut, his eyes wide with shock.

"Hmph…You truly are a frightening man, Jeremiah Cross," an unmistakably chilly voice drawled behind me.

"Cut the flattery and answer the question, icicle-breath," I snapped, not even deigning to turn and face him. "I want answers for Long Ring Long, and I want them now. You saw the debt you owed to Saul fulfilled, you saw Robin in her place. For a minute, I thought that I may have underestimated how decent of a Marine you are, I thought I could give you a chance." My hands clenched into fists. "And then you said it. You said that parting shot, which we both know was taken how you intended it to be read. You were aiming to shatter what little happiness she had found, and you saw just what kind of a hell it took to get it back for her." My lips drew back into a snarl. "Do you have any idea what that bastard did to her? How many bones he broke, how close she came to dying?"

His silence said enough.

I closed my eyes, and against my will, my tone became pleading. "Why, Kuzan? Why do it? Why break her trust in us, our strength? Why sic CP9, Rob Lucci himself, on her? What possible reason could you have had to hurt Robin like that?"

The silence hung heavy in the air, and the growing frigidity only made the air all the heavier. Ultimately, however, he deigned to answer me.

"Eh, I suppose I owe you something after this whole mess, and since it's sure as hell not going to be my respect, it might as well be the truth." The slight crackling of ice belied the cool drawl of his voice. "See, that little speech you gave when I made the monumental mistake of not only allowing but inviting you to talk? It actually touched base. Shook me more than I care to admit. The way you stood by Nico Robin despite everything… I don't know how, but you knew the truth of that day. And ever since that day, I've been questioning if Saul made the right choice all those years ago. If I made the right choice, if any of us did. And seeing Nico Robin, the Demon of Ohara, in the hands of someone else who knew about the hell of that day…"

"You saw that as your chance," I snapped my head up in realization, finally turning around to face him. The admiral's expression was stony, but the shame he was demonstrating was unmistakable. "You knew what you were doing as soon as you fired that parting shot. Cipher Pol 9, Enies Lobby… you set the whole thing up, matching the full force of the Marines and the World Government against whatever we could muster, just so that you could get your answer as to whose truth was truly victorious!"

Kuzan heaved a cloudy sigh as he shook his head and slowly raised his hand in denial. "No, Jeremiah Cross, not even close. Truth is… I knew the answer to that conflict the moment you repeated Saul's words to me, the answer to your words… but I didn't want to believe it. Every obstacle in your path was something I hoped I could use as an excuse to keep denying it; no matter how strong you were, surely you couldn't take on Enies Lobby and win. Surely the World Government would snuff you out, and I could put this all behind me like some bad dream. But that just didn't happen, and instead you managed to succeed with the entire world as your witness. Meaning that I've no more room left with which to deny the truth, every truth I've hidden from and dodged all these years."

The glare in his eyes sharpened as he looked into mine. "And so, to answer your initial question, Jeremiah Cross, I came here because I have a new question now, one even more daunting than the last. And considering your reputation, I want to see if you can give me an answer."

I blinked in surprise, but my expression remained firm even as I debated with myself and eventually came to a conclusion. "I won't promise anything, but ask anyway."

He visibly steeled himself. Then…

"What am I supposed to do now?"

I processed that for several seconds. I honestly thought long and hard about what he was asking, about what I could say, what I could tell him…

And ultimately, I scowled. "Get up off your ass and figure it out yourself."

"HAVE YOU LOST YOUR—WHEGH!" I grabbed Soundbite's tongue mid-sentence, cutting off his incredulous squawk.

Aokiji, meanwhile, was no less taken aback. "Excuse me?"

"You heard me!" I snarled, jabbing my finger at the towering frigid bastard. "Figure it. Out. Yourself. You say you've seen the truth, you say you want to change? Well, I call bullshit! Look at you! Even now, you're being a lazy bastard, relying on others to do your thinking for you, to give you all the answers you need. You think that someone's just going to stand up and act as your inspiration, your beacon of righteousness?" I shook my head darkly as I marched up to him. "Weeeeell tough, because that shit officially stops with me. I'm not giving you squat, Kuzan. You want your epiphany, you want a path to a better world?"

I stopped as I stood before him, reached up and started poking him in his chest. "Then you get up, you find it and you pave it with your own hands, with your own blood, sweat and tears… just like what everyone else on the planet does every. Single. Day."

For a full minute, Aokiji and I just… glared at each other, the temperature gradually and steadily lowering each and every second that the conflict drew out. Soon I was seeing my own breath, but I didn't let myself shiver or waver, refusing to sacrifice so much as an inch in the conflict.

And then, just like that, the temperature snapped right back to normal as Aokiji turned his back on me, his arm raised dismissively. "Honestly, I don't know what I was expecting from you, but it really should have been that, huh?"

I snorted firmly (it was not a sigh of relief, no matter what the hell Soundbite said) before turning as well and heading towards the party. "Your debt is paid and you're no longer welcome here. Mark my words, Ice Hole: if you ever come near my sister again, I will end you."

And so I walked away…

"Hold it."

Before halting against my will as the frosty voice spoke up again.

"Before you go… I've got two messages for you. First, for Nico Robin, tell her…" Aokiji hesitated for a moment before sighing in defeat. "Tell her that Saul's hat suits her."

I felt my teeth grind together, but held my tongue. "And second?" I grit out.

"Marshall D. Teach."

I didn't even try to stop myself from spinning around and staring at Aokiji in shock, meeting his cool gaze dead on.

"You know of him," he deduced. "Good, that makes this easier. Then allow me to be as clear as I possibly can: that man… he's dangerous, Jeremiah Cross. Dangerous in ways not even you can begin to contemplate."

Aokiji narrowed his eyes.

"Beware the Blackbeard Pirates, Cross. Beware Blackbeard."

And then he was gone.

I stared numbly at the spot where he was a moment before as the temperature slowly began increasing again. Then I was all but dunked in ice water as realization hit me full force.

"Ace," I breathed in horror.

The next thing I knew, I was running with all the speed I could muster towards the source of the noise, rushing through every alleyway I could find as Soundbite, having put the pieces together, spewed out the fastest route he could find. The exact instant that I arrived, I sprinted in the direction he indicated, ignoring any comments along the way, bodychecking anyone in my way out of my path…

"Oh, hey Cwo—!"

"GIMME!"

CRASH!

"GAH!"

Aaaaand finishing it all off by bodily tackling Luffy and snatching his hat off his head before he knew what actually hit him.

"Card, card, where's the fucking card!?" I hissed as I frantically rifled through one of the most valuable pieces of headwear in human history, until finally…

"GOTCHA!" I whooped as I located the invaluable card and held it high—

"BASTARD!"

CRACK!

"GARGH!"

Just in time for Luffy to sucker punch me into a wall, square in the nose to boot.

"Aaaaargh, shonnuva—OW!" I winced as I snapped my nose back into place.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, CROSS?!" a blur I vaguely recognized as Luffy roared above me, stomping about furiously. "YOU STOLE MY HAT AND YOU MADE ME CHOKE ON MY MEAT!"

"Grgrggghhh… gimme a second to stop seeing double and I'll tell you," I groaned, rubbing my head and blinking several times, but not letting the paper in my other hand leave it. Finally, as my vision came back into focus, I brought the paper in front of my eyes—

"…pfheh… pfheheheh… PFFHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!"

Luffy paused in confusion as I started cackling like a madman. "Ah… Cross? What's so funny?"

"PFFHAHAHAHAHA! Funny? Funny!?" I choked out through my euphoria as I worked my way to my feet. "Not funny, HAPPY! Happy because we've won! AGAIN! A gamble I worried about above all others, a last ditch throw whose outcome I doubted every step of the way, and it's just hit on all sixes! We won again! We won we won we won WE WON! PFFHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!"

"Eeeehhh…" Luffy tilted his head to the side in confusion. "I don't get it."

"PFFHAHAHA!" I crowed ecstatically as I shot up and slung my arm around Luffy's shoulders, surreptitiously replacing the perfectly intact Vivre Card of Portgas D. Ace back in his hat in the process. "There's nothing to get, mon ami! Right now, all we must do is what you've been doing up until now: celebrate! Eat, drink, and above all else, be as merry as possible!"

"OI!"

THWACK!

My smile barely even shifted as my head was knocked to the side on account of a crutch bouncing off my skull, and I instead turned it towards the source of the projectile. "I take it I struck a nerve?" I called out.

"YER DARN RIGHT YE DID!" Merry crowed from atop a recently-returned Sodom's head, grinning like a lunatic as she flailed her remaining crutch about. "AFTER ALL, THERE AIN'T NO OTHER MERRY IN THE SIX BLUE SEAS BUT ME! Now, if you'll excuse me!" Before anyone could stop her, the girl-ship leapt off of the King-Bull's head with a whoop. "CANNONBAAAALL!"

"YAHOO! WAIT FOR ME!"

"Eh?" I glanced at Luffy in confusion, only to find that he'd ducked out from under my arm and was running towards the pool oh that dumb son of a—

"CANNONBALL!" the most senior hammer on our crew crowed as he followed our second-most senior hammer into the pool.

"YOU IDIOTS!" most of the crew howled indignantly as the pair splashed down, more than a few of our non-hammers following them in in an attempt to rescue them… or properly drown them, I honestly couldn't tell you which.

"…whoops," I muttered in embarrassment, a sweatdrop hanging from my brow.

"Heheheh… Anything but mindless good fun, hm, Cross?"

I snickered in agreement even as I turned and accepted the drink Robin was offering me. "And we wouldn't have it any other way, would we?" I paused to take a deep sip from the glass before gracing her with an angelic smile. "Oh, and by the way, if you drugged this too, you'll wake up tomorrow morning with pink hair."

Robin's smile remained fixed even as she tilted her head to the side. "Dearest brother, I feel it is only fair to warn you that if I wind up pink, you wind up bald."

"M.A.D.! Is there no better way to prevent a war?" Soundbite cackled.

"If there is, I've yet to find one," Robin shrugged helplessly even as she took a sip of her own. However, even in spite of her glass hiding her mouth, I could see her smile shrink slightly. "So… Cross. To confirm, your knowledge of the future… it came from… a book?"

I hid my grimace with my own glass. "Oooh trust me, I've been seeing ripples as is, and after today and Enies, I can only imagine that they're going to get worse from here."

"Hm…" Robin hummed contemplatively as she peered into her drink.

"But… I'm not worried."

Before glancing up in shock as I continued with a smile.

"Because… earlier, when I was going insane and laughing my ass off? I was doing it because the worst tragedy I could think of in the days to come has just been officially averted. Things are changing, and not all for the better, sure, but I at least managed to do that right! And… even if something does come our way, a problem I didn't foresee, some foe ready to crush us all into paste…" I looked up at our crewmates partying around us, thoroughly enjoying the sight. "Then… I trust that this crew can handle them, no matter what!" I allowed the side of my smile out of Robin's sight to fall into a grimace. "At least, for a little while longer…" I grumbled to myself.

"Hmmm…" Robin hummed some more as she contemplated my words, but she eventually shrugged it off and went back to smiling. "Well, if that's the case, I suppose I'll just have to follow your lead, won't I?"

I nodded in agreement before pausing as a thought occurred to me. "Ah, and before I forget? Don't worry about Aokiji anymore. We… well, you won't see him again." I glanced to the side with a scowl. "Not if he knows what's good for him, at any rate…"

My big sis blinked in confusion before frowning and grabbing my cheek with a sharp tug. "I know that I'm not terribly well-versed in such matters, but unless my memory of the many books I've read over the years fails me, it's the older sibling who protects the younger, correct?"

"Aw, c'mon!" I snickered, entirely ignoring the hold she had on my face. "We've never been even remotely close to conventional in the past, why start now, ne?"

Robin glared at me a bit more before looking away with a huff, her cheeks slightly puffed out. "Maybe so, but it's still embarrassing…"

"Pfhehehe—!"

"GYAAAAAH! HEEEELP!"

I was cut off by Luffy suddenly hollering at the top of his lungs as he ran around… with Merry hanging off of his neck?!

"Come oooon, Captain!" she pleaded desperately. "Gimme a bite! An eentsy weentsy bite! No, less than that! A nibble, a morsel, even a lick will do! Just let me taste it!"

I felt a blue pallor come over my expression the same time it fell over Robin's.

"Ah…" she mumbled helplessly.

"Soundbite…?" I all but pleaded.

"She's talking about his hat."

"Oh-thank-God…" we sighed in relief, slumping forward.

I held the position for a bit before glancing at Robin. "There's no chance in hell she'd settle for a nibble, is there?"

"Not a one," Robin confirmed with chuckle as she righted herself. She was then silent for a bit as she observed the pair's antics, smiling fondly. "Still, getting back on topic… I must admit, some of the less savory adjustments aside, it's truly wonderful that you found a means through which to save her. I'm glad that I didn't have to suffer such a horrendous blight on the best day of my life."

"Heh. No chance of that happening either way, Robin," I chuckled as I waved her off. "I got desperate enough to save her en route to Enies that I appealed to the omnipotent asshat that dropped me here for a mulligan on saving her. It gave me her fruit in return for the entertainment I gave it—though I would have still done it anyways, the bastards deserved it for the hell they put you through—but if the fruit didn't work, it still gave me one last Hail Mary I could make use of."

"Oh?" Robin cocked her eyebrow as she made to take another sip of her drink. "Now that I think about it, I do recall Boss being surprised that you were willing to accept. What was the offer it proposed?"

I smirked as I subtly withdrew a Vision Dial, holding it at the ready while she started to drink.

"Oooh, nothing major… just instantaneous gender reassignment."

"PFFFT!"

Ahhh, a genuine spit take from Nico Robin, and I managed to immortalize it? Yes, indeed, let there be no doubts: life… was good.

Once she finished hacking and coughing, she pinned me with a glare, but then her eyes widened as she realized that I wasn't kidding. For a few more seconds, she just stared at me. Then she bowed her head, tilting her hat to cover her face.

I frowned in concern as she started to shake, but then I heard it.

"…dere… dereshi…"

It started slow, and then without warning, Nico Robin, the Devil's Child, the Demon of Ohara…

"DERESHISHISHI! DERESHISHISHISHISHIII!"

Flung her head back and started laughing her guts out, tears of mirth fountaining from her eyes as she struggled to stay upright from laughing so hard.

I blinked in shock as I processed the completely and utterly unprecedented sight before me, but I was swift to get over my paralysis and hastily did two things: First, I snapped off a second photograph, because this too was a moment worthy of immortality. And second?

"PFFHAHAHAHA! PFFHAHAHAHAAAAA!"

"HEEHEEHEEHEEhoohoohooHAHAHAAAAA!"

I joined her in her mirth, both my snail and I laughing right alongside her. Because really, what else could I do under those circumstances? And hell, we would have probably kept laughing for a good long while, too, had life not decided to interrupt us.

"HOOHOOHOO—huh?" Soundbite suddenly cut himself off, one of his eyestalks cocked at something, before interrupting our dying laughter with a shrill whistle. "Hey, sorry to interrupt, but just FYI? YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY SHUTTERBUG AT THIS SHINDIG. SOMEBODY'S SNAPPING SHOTS OF OUR FRIENDS."

"Ah…" Robin snapped her gaze around as she analyzed our surroundings. "So 'Flaming' Attachan is here, then? I see…" She glanced at me inquisitively. "I trust you have a plan, Cross?"

"Hell yeah!" I nodded firmly. "I'm striking myself a pose, and I suggest you hop to it and do the same!"

"…eh?" Robin blinked in confusion.

"What, you think I'm actually gonna stop him?" I scoffed incredulously. "Please, if not today, then they'll try and snap our photos tomorrow. That's a fact, and not even I can stop it. As such…" I snapped up a thumbs-up. "I'm making sure that my anonymity dies on my terms, and not by candid! Get my drift?"

Robin stared at me silently before shrugging with a weary-yet-fond sigh. "I don't know what else I was expecting."

"Me neither. Now, if you'll excuse me—!" I interrupted myself as I suddenly broke into a sprint, dashing over to the nearest table I could find and leaping onto it, and jerking my transceiver's mic from its cradle.

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN THE WORLD OVER, IF I MAY HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE!" I called out, my hand raised high into the air.

The vast majority of the eyes at the party snapped over to me, and according to Soundbite's whispered intel, one particular camera-lens as well.

"AS YOU ALREADY KNOW," I proclaimed. "I'M JEREMIAH CROSS!"

"AND I'M SOUNDBITE!" the snail concurred.

"AND AS YOU ALSO KNOW, IT'S ONCE AGAIN TIME—!"

"TO START THE SBS!"

I… actually needed a second to recover from that. "Loud."

"AND FREAKING RUDE!" Soundbite howled at the crowd. "THAT'S MY DAMN SHTICK!"

"SHOVE IT UP YOUR SHELL, MUCUS STAIN!" Mikey cackled,

"GRRRRGH—!"

"ANYWAY!" I picked up hastily before he could really pick up steam. "NOW THAT OUR GOOD CAPTAIN IS AWAKE—!"

"HELP!" said captain cried out as he ran past, Merry still clinging to his neck. "OUR SHIP IS TRYING TO EAT MY HAT!"

"JUST LET ME LICK IT ALREADY, DAMN IT!"

I shuddered. "Trust me, it sounds even worse out of context… BUT ANYWAY, SEEING AS LUFFY'S AWAKE, WE'VE DECIDED TO THROW THE PARTY OF A LIFETIME TO COMMEMORATE… PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING WE'VE ACCOMPLISHED, AND YOU'RE ALL INVITED! AS SUCH?" I spread my arms invitingly. "IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU RESIDE IN THE HEIGHTS OF HEAVEN!"

"OR IF YOU DWELL WITHIN THE DEPTHS OF HELL!"

I snapped my finger down, pointing straight at Attach's camera as I held the mic to my mouth, the biggest damn grin plastered on my face.

"ALL AT ONCE, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW!" Soundbite and I roared in tandem. "LET'S ROCK!"

And as the whole of the party roared their approval all at once, I caught sight of a single flash in all of the chaos and I allowed myself a victorious fist pump.

I was about to get down and rejoin Robin…

"COME ON GUYS, SOMEONE HELP—! Oh, hey, Cross, is that a sword on your back?" Luffy stopped mid-run in front of me, pointing at—!

I grinned ecstatically at the glorious opportunity that had just been presented to me.

"Oh, yeah, almost forgot! HEY GUYS, GUESS WHAT?" I called out, garnering the crew's attention to me. I then drew Funkfreed, tossed him behind my shoulder…

"BAROOOH!"

"WOOHOO!" I cheered as a trunk grabbed my midsection and lifted me onto the pachyderm's back. I laughed eagerly as I waved my arms at everyone. "I GOT AN ELEPHANT! SAY HELLO TO MY NEW SWORD, FUNKFREED!"

"Hiya, guys!" said sword said, waved his trunk politely.

Nami only allowed herself to gape for a moment before snapping her mouth shut and grinding the heel of her palm into her forehead. "Why on earth am I even surprised at this point?"

"Hell if I know," Zoro said, rolling his eyes. "Personally, I say you should have seen it coming. We were actually overdue for Cross bringing another animal into the crew by this point."

Vivi swapped her gaze between the elephant I was riding and Carue scrambling away as fast as possible before marching over to the nearest bar she could find. "Jack, straight up, now."

"MWAHAHAHAHA!" Merry cheered ecstatically above the roar of the crowd. "I LOVE THIS CREW SO DAMN MUCH!"

-o-

And so it all continued, no less rambunctious to the end of the night. From the elevated platform where Usopp was singing, the meat-eating contest between Luffy and the giants, a large population of animals stopping by for the sake of being able to talk, and the messy results of the Dugongs trying to splash Funkfreed (two-ton elephant cannonballing into a tiny-ass pool equals huge-ass splash), the winding down was a very gradual process.

In the end, however, the embers of the barbecue died out, and most everyone was slumbering with full bellies and smiles as darkness fell over the island. Heck, I was even about to join them! I'd found a comfortable place to lie down and sleep the night away, and I was just about to doze off—

CHOMP!

"YEOW, SONNUVA—!" When, of course, I was snapped awake by the damn pest riding shotgun on my shoulder deciding to nom on my neck for no good reason. "What the hell, you little—!?"

"Incoming half-decent FEATHER-RAT," he interrupted, his expression grim. Or disgusted, either or.

"I guess I should take that as a compliment, huh? Certainly better than what I got before."

"Eh—Oh!" I jerked upright as a familiar voice snagged my attention. "Hey, Coo!" I waved at the casual-clad News Coo as he perched on a nearby table. "Long time no squawk. What brings you to this particular stretch of sea?" I stiffened as a thought struck me. "Please tell me the Government isn't ruining another of our crewmates' lives! Or, well…" I cast a surreptitious glance at a certain snoozing cyborg. "You know what I mean."

"Nah, nah, nothing like that, Cross," the albatross reassured me with a wave of his wing, fishing a bundle of paper out of his bag with the other. "This time, I'm fairly certain everything I'm passing you is fairly self-evident. Or at least, nothing that directly affects your crew. But the printers are charging about ten times the normal rate for this special edition they're burning the presses for, so I thought I'd give you a wing." He ha—er, winged the paper over to me. "But if anyone asks—!"

"I got it from a gull in a trenchcoat, dun' worry about it," I said as I started to open the paper and wave him off, before freezing as a thought struck me. "Ah, by the way, while I have you… you happen to run any delivery routes that pass through Navarone by any chance?"

"Nah, not recently," Coo shook his head in denial. "Matter of fact, I've been haggling to get more pirate ships than anything. After what you've been saying, well…" He glanced to the side with a grimace. "It just seems safer is all."

"D'oh…" I thwacked a hand to my forehead. "I didn't expect that to fall under negative consequences of what I did… ugh. Well, see if you can hang at least one visit to Navarone. It'd be for a good cause, and I can vouch for the Marines there."

Coo blinked in surprise, then shrugged. "Alright, I'll take your word for it. But for now, I've gotta get back. They see I'm missing and decide to run inventory, my ass is as good as plucked and roasted. I guess I'll see you next time you make the big news." He cocked his eyebrow at me with a smirk. "Meaning in about a month, two at most?"

"You know us so well," Soundbite sneered back.

The albatross grinned cheekily as he saluted, then began flapping away.

"Good to see him again," I mused before turning my attention to my little literary preview I'd been gifted. "Anyways, let's see, where to start…"

"HEY, CHECK IT!" Soundbite whooped eagerly, waving his eyestalk at a packet of papers in the folds. "OUR BOUNTIES! Damn, that shutterbug works fast! COME ON, I WANNA SEE just how steamed the high and holy asshats are!"

"In a second, in a second, keep your shell on," I waved him off as I set the papers aside. "I'm curious too, but let me check the rest of this thing first, alright? I'll check them out if there isn't anything more impo—oh holy SHITE!" I snapped to my feet as I hastily read over the passage that had caught my eye. "Oooooh… ohohoooh, this… this has potential."

"THE HELL ARE YOU—!?" I pointed out the article and he read a few lines in before mirroring my grin. "You're right! Screw bounties, this is way more important!"

"My thoughts exactly," I nodded in agreement as I stored the paper back in my coat and started walking out of the enclosure. "Wake the other three—sorry, four, and tell them to meet me in the street. This is gonna be good."

Four bodies promptly jerked awake, and slowly got to their feet, Zoro carrying Merry on his shoulder as they staggered towards me.

"Morning, sleeping beauties!" I greeted them with a cheerful wave. "I take it you all slept we—?"

"Shut it."

"—grk!" I choked as my tongue suddenly glued itself to the roof of my mouth.

"Well, at least that still works…" Vivi muttered acridly as she kneaded the bridge of her nose before shooting a glare at me. "Cross, let me be clear here: I am currently weathering a hangover which you caused. This had better be damn good."

I whimpered when she suddenly snapped her Cutter's chain taut between her fists.

"Or else. Now talk…" Vivi narrowed her eyes before snapping them wide in alarm. "About what you brought us here for! Damn, that was close."

I sighed in relief as I got control of my tongue back before allowing myself a smirk. "How does another meeting with CP9 sound to you guys?"

That shocked the sleep straight out of them.

"Seriously!?" Merry demanded indignantly. "Those bastards are actually hankering for a round two after you already punted their asses to the curb?"

"Guess we'll just have to do it again…" Nami scowled, the clouds around her starting to darken and crackle.

"Nah, nah, nothing like that," I waved them off casually. "They haven't had any medical treatment in two days, so they're still about as bad off as we left them. All they're planning to do is pass us by while walking down the sea-train tracks."

Zoro cocked his eyebrow at me as he released Kitetsu's hilt. "Then what the hell do you want us for?"

I smirked as I withdrew and unfolded the newspaper. "Because I'd prefer to have some measure of backup with me to deter them from doing anything stupid after they read this."

My crewmates leaned in and read the article I was tapping. Then they stared up at me with a combination of shock, horror, disbelief and, in Merry's case, eagerness.

"You cannot be serious," Vivi announced.

My smirk widened all the more.

"Oh, good God, he is," Nami said, paling in horror.

"I really love this crew…" Merry sighed joyfully.

-o-

The waters running by Water 7 were as placid as they could be on the Grand Line, the Sea Train that ruled the local seas slumbering in its rail yard and nothing bigger than a human disturbing the natural ebb and flow of the waves. Even the Sea Train tracks were stable enough that anyone with sea legs could walk on them reliably… which, as it happened, was exactly what was breaking the calm of the ocean on the borderline between night and day.

To anyone who had recently started serving at Enies Lobby, there was a certain fact of life that would come as an immediate surprise: The Watchdog Unit of the Law may have worked well in conjunction with their riders, and the watchdogs and their riders might have both hearkened to the command of Judge Baskerville, but the one who commanded and tamed the hounds in the first place was Jabra of CP9.

And of equal astonishment, despite the irritability and insubordination that he often displayed as a direct result of his chief, his rival, and his subordinates, the wolf-man also housed a relatively tranquil side that he had passed on to his 'trainees'. Ruthlessness to enemies, yes, but staunch loyalty to allies… whenever his or their bloodlust didn't overcome his pack instinct, at any rate.

Granted, this pack loyalty didn't extend to the many faceless Marines and agents that cycled through the island and treated it like a vacation spot, but it did pertain to their original master and his allies… however often said allies tended to shoot stink-eyes at each other.

And so it was that fifty white wolves padded through the twilight, some carrying other packmembers on their backs, while others supported the agents to whom they had sworn their lives, and subsequently gathered from their places of defeat.

Kalifa, Fukuro, and Kumadori were managing to stiffly march amidst their ranks, while Blueno and Jabra were limping along, supported on both sides by a pair of wolves. However, not all of the agents were quite so well off, and as such Kaku and Lucci were being dragged along on a pair of cots hitched to some wolves, the one barely awake and the other utterly comatose, his pet pigeon drunkenly wobbling on his chest. Their long march had been silent from the moment that Enies Lobby, their ruined home, fell out of their sight. And only now did it break.

"We'll be passing Water 7 soon," Kalifa observed quietly.

"Almost makes me feel wistful," Kaku muttered as he angled the brim of his hat over his eyes.

"I'll admit it wouldn't be unpleasant to go—oh, honestly?" Hattori began before cutting himself off with a groan, causing all present to freeze.

"…Watchdogs, keep moving," Jabra growled.

"Yes, Boss Jabra," the wolves chorused as the company began moving again.

"Alright, and now before anyone gets it into their heads to panic," the Wolf-Zoan bit out. "You all said that that pest Soundbite could be do this subconsciously, right?" He got a nod in response. "Good, that means we're still fine for now. So keep your shit cool, your heads down, and let's get past this place before anyone—!"

"YOU REALLY THINK you're that lucky?"

The watchdogs froze, cowering in terror.

"Oh, for the love of God…" Kalifa groaned wearily.

"NO LOVE, only wrath. NOW GET A MOVE ON, we're waiting for you at the Blue Station."

Fukuro tugged nervously on his zipper. "Ah… not that I'm in any way utterly terrified of the concept of running into that crew and their devil-seadog again, but is there… any way past Water 7 that doesn't involve us running into them?"

Blueno hung his head, groaning. "Considering how there's only the one line besides the railyard at Water 7, and the snail will most likely blast my eardrums if it hears an Air Door? Unless you'd all like to take a swim…"

"Let's just take our lumps as they come," Kaku groaned as he waved his hand in defeat. "Best case scenario? Cross rips the bloodhound a new one."

Jabra snarled darkly at the giraffe-man, but he motioned the wolves forward.

The already-tense air around the group grew fit to snap as they approached Water 7, the marching a solemn and nihilistic action on account of the self-evident fate that awaited them.

As the Blue Station steadily came into view, the grinding of Jabra's teeth became increasingly audible, and as they caught sight of none other than Jeremiah Cross himself sitting on the edge of the platform, his legs kicking about casually in the void, said grinding was interrupted by a very audible snap and growl. And Jabra would have most likely tried to take Cross's head off too, were it not for the trio of crewmates looming behind him with their weapons at the ready, with a fourth child-sized one perched on Roronoa's shoulder and somehow looking as menacing as the rest of them.

Cross perked his head up at the snap, shooting a thoroughly aggravating grin at the assassins. "Ahhh, hello there, assassins! Enjoying a lovely night stroll, eh?"

"SIGNS and stench POINT TO—!"

"Can we please just skip ahead to whatever the hell your point is, chapapaaaarghhh…" Fukuro interrupted with a pained groan as he massaged his skull. "Forty-eight hours later and my head is still ringing like a bell…"

"Not in the mood for my antics, hmm?" he chuckled, shrugging as he waved his hand dismissively. "Fine, fine, I'll go ahead and get to the point: In a nutshell, we're here to make a demonstration of what happens to enemies of ours such as you. Juuust so that there's no mistakes or misunderstandings about our modus operandi, ya know?"

Almost half of the group swallowed heavily at that, including Kalifa, but she steeled her back and glared him dead in the eye, albeit with a slight shiver when the clouds looming above them rumbled ominously. "B-Before you do… whatever it is you plan to do, I have to know one thing: how did you know about my Devil Fruit? Our Devil Fruits?" She swung her arm back at Kaku. "Not even the most famed and accomplished of clairvoyants has ever been able to discern the nature of an unrecorded Devil Fruit, and yet you identified two at once without ever even seeing them. How… How is that possible?"

Cross blinked in surprise before slowly letting his grin take on a menacing undertone. "As Kaku said way back when—ya know, when I utterly ruined five years of deep cover work?" The pirate's smirk widened as several of the assassins twitched. "I've yet to show the world even a fraction of the depth of my knowledge, Kalifa. I know a lot of things that, by all accounts, are utterly impossible for me to know."

"Things that were… things that are… and some things… that have not yet come to pass," Soundbite sneered in a deep feminine voice that emanated age and wisdom.

"Allow me to demonstrate," Cross continued, tilting his head to the side just so. "The reason you guys are running all the way out here, tails between your legs—some offence—" He directed the comment at the Watchdogs, causing several dozen to start growling. At least, until Soundbite snarled back, reducing them to whimpers. "Is that the Marines started combing through the wreckage of Enies looking for you guys. And they were not doing it for your benefit, were they?"

The assassins shared nervous glances before Jabra responded with a snarl. "Yeah? What the hell of it, you two-bit piece of—?"

"The reason I bring it up," Cross flatly interrupted, all amusement wiped from his face. "Is that I can fill in the blanks you no doubt have. See, after a debacle of these proportions and with us nice and missing, the World Government needed a hide to pin the mess on. Now, I've already guaranteed that they're taking their metric ton of flesh from Spandam, but for something on this scale? It's just nowhere near enough." Cross withdrew a roll of paper from his jacket and tossed it to Kumadori. "That's where you come in."

The kabuki-styled assassin blinked at the newspaper in his hands before unfolding it and giving it a quick scan… which he swiftly followed up with a gasp. "YOYO—WHAT THE HELL!?"

"Eh? What is it, what is it? Something juicy?" Fukuro nearly squealed, bouncing up and down in an effort to catch sight of whatever it was his comrade was reading.

"You could say that," Cross mused casually as he made a show of examining the bandages where his fingernails used to be. "That newspaper, which is currently being rush-printed and will be spread across the world come morning, has your names, faces, alternate names and faces, and capabilities spread all over it."

That caused each and every one of the assassins to stiffen in shock and horror.

"…what?" Blueno gaped numbly.

"To summarize," Cross continued unhindered. "They're pinning everything on you and your so-called 'incompetence', and have done everything but put bounties on your heads." The pirate looked up, pinning them with a frigid glare. "You all are no longer members of Cipher Pol Number 9 because the World Government has disavowed each and every last one of you, including the legendary Rob Lucci."

"In a word?" Soundbite smiled frigidly. "You've BEEN BURNED. And when you're burned, you've got nothing: no cash, no credit, no job history. You're stuck in whatever city they decide to dump you in. You do whatever work comes your way. You rely on anyone who's still talking to you. Bottom line: As long as you're burned, you're not going anywhere."

"Heh, nice," Cross chuckled, holding his hand up to Soundbite who eagerly responded with an eye-five.

Fukuro and Kumadori were gaping almost comically, while Kalifa and Blueno looked utterly devastated and Jabra looked fit to rear back and howl, the wolves beside him attempted to console him. And Hattori, for his part, just looked straight-up disgusted.

Finally, Kaku gathered enough strength to lean up on his cot and direct a stare with something very close to hatred at the pirate. "Is that why you came here? It's not enough that you were responsible for all of this, but you have to rub it in our faces and kick us while we're down? Is that the punishment we've earned for what we did to Nico Robin and the rest of your crew?" he asked frigidly.

The other assassins slowly broke out of their stupors to match Kaku's glare.

"Mmm…" Cross tapped his chin in clearly exaggerated thought before shrugging indifferently, entirely unaffected by the sheer force of hate being directed at him. "Nah, that's stupid. After all, you guys aren't our enemies anymore, right?"

That brought the assassins up short, causing them to blink at him in confusion.

"Ah… come again?" Hattori slowly raised his wing in askance. "Come again?"

"Well, sure!" Cross nodded sagely. "Two days ago, we fought each other practically to the death because you lot were all tools of the World Government, following your orders to the letter with dogged persistence and loyalty. But now, the World Government's dropped you all like yesterday's garbage! Know what that makes all of you to us?"

"…nobodies?" Jabra guessed with a snarl.

"Close!" Cross chirped as he dropped his chin onto his fists, his expression serene and casual… up until he cracked open an eye full of menace. "You're a bunch of highly-trained and dangerous nobodies who are now out of an employer, and are now in need of a new one."

Fifty jaws hit the tracks, while seven stiffened furiously. "And you're thinking of filling that position, then?" Kaku asked suspiciously.

"Meh, after a fact." Cross waved his hand carelessly before reaching into his jacket. "Ah, before I forget; here, catch." He withdrew an envelope and flung it out to them.

Fukuro caught it and took a single glance inside before reeling in shock. "What the—?!"

"Severance pay for Lucci, courtesy of Iceburg, plus Kaku and Kalifa's. I never got the chance to give it to you at Enies. It should be more than enough to cover your needs for the immediate future. As for long-term…" Cross rolled his finger a bit, prompting Fukuro to draw out a small slip of paper. "I'd suggest you call that there number once you're all free and clear. Trust me, it'll be worth your while. Hell!" He spread his arms invitingly. "I bet you'll wonder whether or not you ever left your previous job.

"…What exactly are you saying, Cross?" Blueno inquired suspiciously.

Cross's smile jerked upwards. "Simply this: You've all dedicated your lives to serving the World Government's justice, and while they have found your results to be lacking, I still see merit in them. As such, I'm offering you all a new justice to follow, one that should, with any luck, prove to be far more appreciative of your time and effort. But hey!" He folded his arms behind his head and started carelessly swaying side to side. "It's just that: an offer. Right now, you have the power and the freedom to make your own path, however and wherever you so choose. Just consider this… a peace offering; after all, if your former allies are now your enemies, why not consider making your former enemies your allies?"

"And you honestly expect us to believe that you'd aid us all so freely after we tried to kill you all?" Hattori asked incredulously.

"What are you, stupid or something?" the girl on Roronoa's shoulder chuckled. "Vivi tried to kill us all within twenty-four hours of meeting us, Nami faked killing Usopp in the East Blue, Sanji and Zoro try to kill each other on a daily basis, and Robin tried to kill Cross within ten minutes of meeting him!"

"Everybody tries to kill everybody! It's how we communicate ON THIS CREW!" Soundbite grinned.

"Hell!" Cross threw his hands up with a laugh. "It's how everybody communicates in the Grand Line! It's only when you actually kill someone that there's problems! But, ah, seriously, if it'll help…" Cross waved his hand before his face with a sheepish smile. "I've already tried the whole 'kick 'em while they're down' routine awhile back. Did not end well for me, still hasn't ended yet and I doubt it will for awhile. Trust me, I've learned my lesson: revenge is a bitch on both parties, so…"

He clapped his hands together before his wide smile. "Just trust me on this, m'kay? Because really, now… what exactly do you have besides your lives and the clothes on your backs to lose?"

The assassins exchanged looks for the next minute, an unspoken conversation passing between them. Finally, Kaku responded.

-o-

"Pfheheheh…" I chuckled as I watched the large party march off into the distance. "Quite the creative fellow, isn't he?"

"And why exactly are you so chipper?" Nami cocked her eyebrow questioningly as she rested her staff across her shoulders. "Last time I checked, a good negotiation doesn't end when one party cusses out the other."

"Save that that was all they did…" Vivi mused as she followed my line of sight.

"Eh?"

"They didn't toss out the number, witch," Zoro grunted as he dug a pinkie in his ear. "And if they didn't do it now, I'd bet they're not going to do it later."

Nami processed that, blinking rapidly before crossing her arms as she finally turned to watch them. "…Well, how about that… Still, though." She glanced at me uncertainly. "You really think it's a good idea to recruit them?"

"Well, what's the worst that could happen?" Merry shrugged as she slid off of Zoro's shoulder and ambled over to our navigator. "Seriously, what? They betray us? To who? They seek out revenge? They might be jobless, but they're still pros. They prove to be incompetent? We already know they aren't. There's no downside!"

"Admittedly, Lucci could prove to be something of a problem, the bastard is headstrong if nothing else…" I muttered as I rolled my shoulders, popping a few sleepy joints. "But meh, I trust it'll all work out in the end. At the very least, there's no shame in trying."

"Well, when you put it like that…" Nami shrugged as she finally allowed her clouds to lighten up a bit.

"Glad to hear that you approve. Now then, let's—ah!" I started to push myself to my feet, but I paused as a ray of light lanced its way into my eye, forcing me to snap my hand up with a wince. "Geeze, what the—!?…oh. Well, now…" I slowly trailed off as I sat back down, my gaze set dead ahead on the horizon. "Ain't that a helluva sight…"

And damn well it was. The sun was just starting to peek over the horizon, and Paradise was doing its darnedest to earn its title. You ever seen a dawn so beautiful you're just left speechless? Because damn… they don't come often.

"Heh…" Vivi chuckled lightly as she folded her arms before her chest, casually tucking a lock of her hair behind her ear. "It has been awhile since I've actually taken the time to get up and watch it… Now I see what I've been missing."

"Tch," Zoro scoffed as he shoved his hands in his pockets. "It's just a sunrise, nothing special." Nonetheless, we could all hear the grin in his voice.

"Oh, shut up and enjoy the scenery, mosshead," Nami chirped cheerfully, her clouds flicking about casually as she swayed back and forth on her heels.

"Eh, personally I'm of two minds," Merry sighed as she plopped herself in my lap and started kicking her legs thoughtfully. "On the one hand, I'm human now, so I need to sleep, meaning that I won't always be able to watch the sunrise like before…"

"BUUUUT?" Soundbite queried.

Merry tilted her head back and grinned eagerly. "But! Now I can share it with all of you, and that makes this worth it!"

I smiled endearingly as I leaned forwards and rested my chin on her head.

"Yeah…" I whispered, watching the sun peek over the horizon without so much as a speck of worry for the future.

And so my friends and I, a mere fraction of my family, watched a new day dawn together.

"Yeah, it does."

And so life was good.

-o-

A relatively fair distance away from Water 7, Admiral Aokiji peered out of a porthole below the deck of his battleship at that selfsame sunrise with no small amount of melancholy.

The Admiral continued to contemplate the sunrise even as he naturally went about his task, frosty breath exhaling from his mouth and stretching from corner to corner of the insulated room he was in and dropping the temperature to subzero temperatures.

It was an odd order, to be sure, but Aokiji could see the logic behind it, however twisted. In the end, the actions he was taking would ensure the the optimal outcome for the sentence of the World Government's latest prisoner.

For all that he could see the logic, however, Aokiji could not help but harbor doubts after the events of Enies Lobby, but neither could he find the wherewithal to disobey his orders. As such, he dutifully went about his task of renewing the room's cryogenic temperatures before exiting the customized cell.

On his way out, however, he took notice of one of the guards outside snapping his head away in order to hide a grimace.

Aokiji considered him for a moment before sighing as he scratched the back of his skull. "Speak your mind, Marine," the admiral drawled. "I'm not Akainu."

The guard stiffened at being discovered, but after a moment's debate he slowly turned to look his vastly superior officer in the eye with a gaze full of doubt. "This—" he began hoarsely. He coughed and swallowed, and tried again. "Sir, with all due respect, this is… this is not a good idea. More than that, it's… It's foolhardy, stupid even. After everything Jeremiah Cross said on the SBS, with everything going on right now, for us to do… to do this?" The soldier shook his head in denial. "I… this, this could destroy the Marines, sir."

Aokiji silently stared at the guard before shaking his head with another sigh. "Honestly, I'm inclined to agree with you, soldier, and if I could I'd cut him loose here and now… but unfortunately, the orders came down from above my paygrade, so that's a no-can-do."

"B-But surely if you brought it up with Fleet Admiral—!"

"Came down from above Sengoku's head too," Aokiji continued grimly. "And Kong's, to boot."

The guard's words died in his throat as he contemplated those words, and after a moment he slowly turned his head to stare at the freezer door in despair. "Why… Why would they do this, sir?"

"Mmm…" Aokiji scratched at his temple contemplatively. "From what I've heard… they had a plan."

"S-Sir?"

"An old plan," the frigid admiral continued, slowly striding to a nearby wall and sinking down into a sitting position with his elbows rested on his legs. "One they'd had on the backburner for awhile. They were always going to enact it, they were just waiting for the right opportunity to present itself. But now…" Aokiji's brow furrowed darkly. "After all that's happened? After the Darkest Day in the History of the World? Apparently… the plan has been changed."

"C-Changed… changed how?"

"Well, before? He," Aokiji nodded at the door. "Was the endgame of it all. The one true objective and piece they needed. But now…" The Chilly-man jerked his thumb downwards. "Now he's been demoted to a mere lynchpin. Important and optimal, sure, but ultimately replaceable. They're merely using him for some other goal. Something grander than what they had in mind before… something worse."

The guard stared at the admiral for a few seconds as he processed that before swallowing heavily. "But… But, sir… People… people are going to die for this plan to succeed…" The man walked to the freezer door, slid open a peephole in the metal, and gazed inside.

"What could possibly justify those deaths? What good could possibly come…" he breathed as he watched the young man slumber within, both on account of the cold and the IV stuck in his arm, a necklace of red beads the only clothing he wore above the waist. "From executing Fire Fist Ace?" He then glanced to the side, eyeing the other two sleeping prisoners with unease. "Not to mention imprisoning Maelstrom Spider Squardo and Ice Witch Whitey Bay?"

Aokiji sighed heavily and made to answer…

"Zehahaha! More than you'd think, little man!"

Only to snap his jaw shut with a barely suppressed snarl when the voice of the newest bane of his existence suddenly grated on his ears. The ice-man glared icicles at the staircase the large figure had descended from. "Blackbeard," he bit out.

"Zehahahahaaa! Awww, c'mon, Aokiji, call me Teach!" Marshall D. Teach laughed uproariously as he entered the room, an audibly halfway-drunk bottle hanging from his hand as he shot a leer at the Admiral. "After all… we are friends, ain't we?"

Aokiji's scowl deepened as his hands snapped into fists, frost swiftly starting to coat his limbs. "We are not friends, Blackbeard."

"Ooooh, but ain't we?" The odious pirate's grin widened malevolently. "Because no matter how you cut it, I do owe you for making all of this possible! That makes you a friend in my book, zehahaha! And as for you!" He snapped his attention back to the guard before Aokiji could respond. "To answer your question…" He snapped his finger up at the door. "I'll have you know that that brat's life is worth more than this entire ship in gold! And his death even moreso… so long as it's carried out properly! ZEHAHAHAHAAAA!"

The guard swallowed heavily as he backed away from the imposing pirate. "I-Is that so?"

"You got that right, bub!"

"GAH!" The Marine stiffened in horror when Blackbeard suddenly slung his far larger arm over the man's shoulders and pulled him close, invading his senses with his rancid breath.

"And believe me, I should know…" Marshall D. Teach grinned maliciously. "After all, I used his life to buy not only my life, but the lives of my crew and my position as a Warlord of the Seas to boot! Ain't that right…"

The Darkness-human slowly turned his smile on the frosted-over admiral in the room.

"Aokiji?"

Kuzan's grimace deepened as he cast his mind back to what the bastard before him was referencing to.

The exact moment when he'd been forced to sell what little of his soul remained to the devil.

The moment he'd saved Blackbeard's life.

~o~

"Hooo…" Admiral Aokiji sighed out a misty breath as he contemplated what remained of the island around him. "Might have overdone it a bit. Sengoku's not gonna let me hear the end of this…"

Currently, the admiral and the well-bundled soldiers alongside him were in the process of combing through the icy wasteland that Banaro Island had become. The reason for the recent climate-reassignment was on account of garbled reports coming in that a pair of powerful pirate crews had been tearing apart the island over the course of a full day. And indeed, upon approaching the island, they'd been treated to the sight of an extremely violent fight ripping the land apart, all while a behemoth of a ship rained hot lead upon the field of combat.

Normally, Aokiji would have spared some measure of restraint or caution in subduing the aggressors, but the fact was that he simply didn't have the time; in the wake of Enies Lobby's destruction, this cataclysm was just one of many, many such crises raging across the world. As such, the best he could do was end matters as swiftly and cleanly as possible.

This logic, combined with the knowledge that the island's civilians had long since evacuated the surrounding waters, lead to a single inescapable conclusion: an Ice Age, massive in scale, to simply freeze each and every pirate where they stood. Now all they had to do was locate their frozen bodies and either arrest them or eliminate them, depending on how troublesome they were. Nice and eas—

"S-Sir!" a Baby Transponder Snail being carried by one of Aokiji's men suddenly squawked up. "I-I found someone!"

"Finally…" the ice-man sighed in relief. "Can you identify them?"

"Ah… n-not quite sir… h-he won't give me his name."

That brought Aokiji up short. "A…run that by me again, soldier?"

"I-I, ah… h-h-he's in sector 5, sir. Y-You're gonna wanna come and see this yourself."

With no small amount of curiosity, the lazy admiral moved in the direction of the sector indicated Someone had managed to evade his Ice Age? Well, if they had a bird Zoan or if they'd been off the ground at the time by some other means, they may have escaped the cold wave.

The man he soon saw, however, was decidedly not a bird. Rather, he was a fat, hairy, and supremely large apelike man with missing teeth and clothes entirely ill-suited for the climate, sitting cross-legged in a large circle of snow, his arms crossed and frost starting to accumulate on his body as he shivered with obvious discomfort.

While the man's presence and unfrozen state was concerning in and of itself, there was another factor of the scene that held Aokiji's attention: The man was sitting in the middle of a circle of snow. Not ice.

Aokiji's men each took a nervous step back as the ambient temperature around their superior nosedived, the layers of frost on his body expanding as he took a step forward. "Who the hell are you?" the Admiral demanded.

The man kept his head bowed, shivering, before finally raising his gaze, the ice on his neck snapping from the movement. "A-A-Admiral A-A-Aokiji…" he bit out painfully, his expression one of grim determination. "G-G-Good… t-t-that's good… T-The Elder Stars… I need you… to call the Elder Stars… Y-Y-You have their number… r-r-right?"

Aokiji tensed at the demand, his mind flying as he tried and failed to reason out the logic behind what he was hearing. "And while the hell should I—?"

"I-I-I have his s-s-son."

"…what?" Aokiji finally asked after a long moment of confused silence.

"I-I-I said…" the man stuttered out through his chattering teeth. "I-I-I have his s-s-son. T-T-Tell them that. T-T-Tell them… and t-t-they'll want to talk to m-m-me."

The Admiral stared silently at the man before shooting a glance at the man in his squad who was carrying the adult Snail. "Get me the Elder Stars, ASAP. Priority one."

The soldier was quick to draw out the snail and punch in the number. The gastropod only rang for once before it adopted a stern expression. "Admiral. What are you—?"

"I-I-I have his son."

The snail stiffened before slowly turning to face the speaker. "What was that?" it quietly but firmly demanded.

The shivering man snorted as he stared at the snail dead in the eyes. "M-M-My name…" he grit out. "I-I-Is Marshall D. Teach. Y-You would know me better as Blackbeard. And I have his son."

Aokiji stiffened at the man's middle initial, but the most powerful men in the world remained stern.

"How do we know you're telling the truth?"

"R-R-Rouge," Teach replied without hesitation.

The snail fell silent before biting out a 'tsk'. "What do you want?"

"Y-Y-You know what I w-w-want."

There was another moment of silence before the snail narrowed its eyes. "We could just take him."

"N-No, y-you couldn't…" Teach slowly shook his head in grim denial. "I-I-It's taking every ounce of c-c-concentration I have to k-k-keep them all i-i-intact. I-I-If I die, o-o-or lose my f-f-focus, then they'll be lost to the d-d-darkness. And if he d-d-dies here, then it means n-n-nothing."

Later on, Aokiji would not be ashamed to admit that he flinched when Teach leaned forward, so as to better glare at the snail. "You don't," he breathed malevolently. "Have a damn choice."

For a few minutes, even the winds themselves seemed to silence themselves as the world held its breath. And then…

The Five Elder Stars sighed in defeat. "As of this moment," one of them bit out grimly. "We the Five Elder Stars hereby deem Marshall D. Teach, aka 'Blackbeard', as Crocodile's replacement for the World Government's sanctioned pirate task force, the Seven Warlords of the Sea, effective immediately."

Aokiji felt a lance of existential terror shoot through him at the exact same instant that a massive grin spread across Teach… no, Blackbeard's face.

"S-Sirs, with all due respect—!" the Admiral started hastily.

"The decision has been made, Admiral." The Elder Stars cut him off. "Your orders are to escort Blackbeard to your ship and take Fire Fist Ace into custody. This is your only priority now, Admiral. Do we make ourselves clear?"

"But, sirs—!"

"Do we make ourselves clear, Admiral Aokiji?"

The ice-man flinched fearfully as he fought to keep himself conscious. "C-Crystal, sirs."

"Good. See to it. We'll contact you again at a later date with further instructions." And with that, the highest powers in the world hung up, leaving Aokiji alone with a monster.

Said monster chuckled darkly as he slowly made his way to his feet, frost and ice crackling off of him as he moved. "Zehahaha! Ahhh, m-man, that was a c-c-close one! I was almost c-c-completely certain that I was act-t-tually gonna die! Ace and his f-f-friends came this close to d-d-doing me and my boys in…" He directed his smirk at Aokiji. "B-B-But then you saved my a-a-ass with that wave of ice. F-F-Froze everyone else while I j-j-just took it in. H-H-Hurts like a b-b-bitch, but hey!" he spread his arms demonstratively. "I'm alive! A-A-And that's what counts. I-I-I owe you my life…"

Blackbeard strode forwards and slammed his hand down on Aokiji's shoulder, leaning his smile in close.

"Friend."

~o~

A full two days later, Aokiji was still cursing himself for letting the bastard live and he still dreaded every instant that he was in the man's presence. But even in spite of his revulsion, he couldn't help but ask a single question.

"Why?"

"Eh?" Blackbeard glanced over at the Admiral with a smirk. "Whazzat?"

"I asked you why, you damn bastard," Aokiji demanded venomously. "I looked up your Devil Fruit, Teach. My ice would have been burning your insides the entire time, including the ice of your crew and Ace and his comrades, and once he thawed your doctor treated you for frostbite on over seventy percent of your body. He had to reattach twelve different digits. I could hear you screaming the entire time, so I know that it hurt like hell. So why? Why go through all that pain? What's your goal?"

Blackbeard remained silent for a while as he stared at the Marine, before slowly grinning in response.

"You're right," he chuckled. "It did hurt. It hurt worse than getting shot by a Colt .96 sniper rifle, but less than getting flayed by prehensile razorwire. Ironically, it hurt about as much as getting burned alive by my old commander's hottest flames! Oooh trust me, I know pain, Admiral. I know pain like the back of my hand, and every time I meet it it never gets any easier. But ya know what!?"

He thumped a fist to his chest. "It doesn't matter! It doesn't matter how much it all hurts, it doesn't matter what the world does to me, what it throws at me, because I can take it! I'll take it all, every bit of it, wherever and whenever it wants to try! No matter how much it makes me scream, I'll take it all, and then I'll laugh afterwards anyways! And you wanna know why?"

Aokiji practically froze up as darkness started roiling off the man, tongues of pure evil flickering from his body.

"It's simple, really…" he chuckled. "I'll take it all… because it's for the sake of my dream. No matter how much it hurts, I'll bear it so long as it means making my dream come true. And as for my dream… well."

The smile the frostburn-covered man bore did the impossible: it sent shivers down Aokiji's spine.

"Let me sum it up for you."

And so, with darkness roaring off of him like a twisted inferno, Marshall D. Teach proudly proclaimed the sentence that would fill Admiral Aokiji with nothing less than existential despair… and would haunt him for the rest of his life.

"I AM THE MAN… WHO WILL BE KING OF THE PIRATES! ZEHAHAHAHA! ZEEEEEEHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!"

Patient AN: …the harder they fall.