Chapter 21 - Alabasta Pt 7

For a few seconds, the world around me seemed to fade as my mind processed the fact that I was falling from a three-story height, and my adrenaline spiked. Quite honestly, had Soundbite been with me and were the situation any less dire, I'd no doubt be laughing my ass off.

Then I slammed into a half-furry, half-feathery mass, and the world kicked itself into high gear.

More specifically, it started up with a strangled squawk that Miss Friday loosed as I struck her, the vulture flapping her wings furiously as she tried to hold the three of us—four if you counted Soundbite—aloft. I barely had time to wrap my arms around Friday's throat before she started flailing and bucking in a dual attempt to throw me off and stay in the air.

Mister 13 was squirming and flailing beneath me, trying to wriggle his way out and do something that would no doubt be unpleasant. Considering how I had absolutely no intention of being disemboweled by a killer otter, I hastily took action: I freed one of my hands and used it to grab 13's onesie, shifting my weight just enough to get him out from under me. I spared a moment to grin madly at his stricken expression before I let him go. "OTTER'S AWAY!" I bellowed.

In a rather fabulous stroke of luck, it was just as I let 13 go that Friday swung herself upwards, causing my legs to flail forwards. Still, not one to look fate's gift horse in the mouth, I swung one of my dangling legs with the momentum and managed to catch 13 with a rather impressive punt, if I did say so myself.

"FOOOOORE!" Soundbite whooped ecstatically from below me.

"Wrong sport, Sound—GAGH!" I clenched my teeth hastily as Friday tried slamming her back into a building and dragging me along the stonework, only just managing to save myself from biting my tongue off. "Soundbite! Personally, I'd say that this isn't a game, it's just plain-old pest control!"

"Business or pleasure? BOTH!" the snail shot back happily, apparently not even slightly fazed by how wild his ride was becoming.

"Yeah? Well, this pleasure cruise is coming to an end! First, I'll be taking my belongings back!" I swung myself just far enough to the side that I could scrabble with Miss Friday's talons, managing after a few attempts to get a good grip on Soundbite's shell, yank him out into my own hold, and move him to my uninjured shoulder, which he clamped onto with his teeth.

"I'm nobody's property!" Soundbite shot back, albeit with a look of gratitude directed at me.

"And second, we're bringing this ride to a stop!" I reached around Friday's head and grabbed ahold of her goggles, yanking them out a few inches from her face. From the way she suddenly tensed and started frantically shaking her head, she knew what was coming next. "NOW!" And with that, I let the goggles go with loud SNAP!

Miss Friday loosed an agonized squawk as she lost the rhythm of her wingbeats and fell into a dive she was only barely managing to control and slow by wildly flailing her wings.

Thankfully, her actions, combined with me weighing her down and lowering her altitude the entire time I was accosting her, were enough to make the crash landing we performed within seconds merely painful, as opposed to outright deadly. Still, this distinction was only cold comfort on account of how, to reiterate, we fell from a few dozen feet up in the air while moving forward at a not inconsiderable velocity.

The second we hit the ground, I was flung clean off the assassin's back and sent rolling through the dusty street we'd landed in. Once I stopped moving and managed to get my head on straight, I lay very, very still as I appreciated the simply astounding amount of pain I was in, because just… ow. About the only body part not in excruciating pain was my shins. Everything else either felt like one big bruise, the armored parts of my body were ringing like bells, others felt like someone had rubbed them with sandpaper, or, in the case of my shoulder, like someone was stabbing it repeatedly with a hot knife. At least nothing felt broken.

Overall…

"Oh, my God, that was such a horrible plan…" I wheezed miserably, my everything aching like all hell.

"Oh, I DUNNO," Soundbite whistled as he properly slid into place on my shoulder. "I'D SAY it worked!"

"Ha ha ha, screw you…" I ground out from between clenched teeth before slowly glancing over at him. "You good?"

Soundbite fell silent for a moment before nodding in agreement. "YEAH, yeah, I'M GOOD. Thanks for the save."

"Psh," I waved him off as casually as I could manage as I hauled myself up into a sitting position, rolling my joints as I tried to work out some of the pain. "I didn't do it for you, I did it because those bastards sliced up my shoulder like it was a freaking steak. Getting you back was just a side benefit and an unfortunate consequence. Still…" I massaged my shoulder contemplatively. "At least it should leave behind a pretty damn impressive scar, no?"

Soundbite leaned forwards and took in the bandages that wrapped my left shoulder before grinning eagerly. "Oooh, MOST DEFINITELY!"'

"Glad you agree. Now come on, we need to mo—!"

"Suffer."

The second the low, raspy, demonic voice hit my ears, I scrambled to my feet and ran, managing to toss myself into an alleyway just as the part of the street I'd been lying in was torn up by a hail of bullets. And once I started running, I damn well didn't let myself stop.

"That's the voice you chose for them!? Seriously!?" I spat frantically, rounding a corner just as a flap of wings and the screech of talons on stone heralded another burst of gunfire that barely missed me. "Why not make them sound like Looney Tunes or something!? That's more your style!"

"CAN'T! TOO SCARED!" Soundbite yowled from within his shell.

I risked a glance over my shoulder, and I swear to God that vulture looked like a freaking avatar of death as she chased us, back in the air.

"Sensible," was all I managed to get out. Still, as long as I stayed in the alleyways and forced her to remain below the rooftops, we had a chance of—

Of course, it was at that moment that I ran out into a nice, wiiiide open street, with no other open alleyways in sight. And as for the doors to the houses, well, there was a big difference between Alabasta and Rainbase: Rainbase's residents weren't expecting an army of rebels to attack and as such hadn't boarded up their homes before leaving, whereas Alubarna's citizens were and had.

I spun around on my heel—

BOOM!

And was met with the shockwave of Miss Friday collapsing the mouth of the alley I'd exited with what I presumed to be a round of explosive ammunition before soaring up into the air, effectively cutting off my only route of retreat.

I stared at the rubble for a second longer before turning my gaze upwards to stare at the vulture circling high above me. "Who or whatever it is that keeps screwing with my luck had damn well better make it up to me if I live through this…" I muttered to myself before giving one last pointed glare up at the clouds and swinging my gaze back and forth down the street. "I don't suppose you can see a way for us to swim the hell out of this barrel, can you?"

"UMMM…" Soundbite swung his eyestalks back and forth, even going so far as to outright cross them before focusing on something to our right. "OH! How about over there?"

I followed Soundbite's line of sight and grinned just as eagerly as him when I saw what he was eyeing: a bar at the end of the street, just a few meters away from us. The door was boarded up, yes indeed, but its primary, wall-encompassing window? That was left completely unguarded.

"Oh, yeah, that'll work!" I nodded in agreement.

Soundbite made to respond in turn… and then his grin melted into panic as he chanced a glance upwards. "OH NO!"

I followed Soundbite's line of sight and mentally repeated the sentiment, with mucho gusto.

Friday was finished circling. Instead, she'd swooped down to the end of the street to the left of me, and was gliding towards us at high speeds. Death, borne upon black wings and toting two F-U calibre machine guns, was approaching at high speeds and fully intent on eviscerating both me and my talking snail.

…goddamn it, when the hell did my life become a cheesy B-list 80s action movie!?

"Sometimes, it freaking sucks to live in an anime…" I ground out.

"BE HAPPY THIS ISN'T Evangelion," Soundbite shot back. "NOW RUN, DAMMIT!"

And with that I turned tail and ran, bolting for the bar as fast as I could run. The dirt exploded all around me and the air was filled with the distinctive chatter-chatter of automatic weapons as Miss Friday opened fire. Even with Friday's rage no doubt impeding her aim, I still felt at least three bullets graze my greaves before I was within range of the window. Two more bullets sped by my head, shearing clean through the glass and leaving substantial cracks in the pane before I leapt forwards, crossing my arms in front of my face.

SMASH!

There was one aspect of jumping through glass windows that the movies typically didn't show you: it stung like all hell! Both the impact of jumping through and the glass shards that showered around me did much to aggravate my previous injuries. Still, I had enough wherewithal left in me to turn around and see Miss Friday pull up and soar out of sight moments before she reached the window, having been no less than a foot or two behind me.

"Well, that worked…" I huffed, slowly working my way to my feet and gingerly dusting myself off, more than a few stray shards falling off of me in the process.

"NOT FOR LONG," Soundbite growled warily, his eyes tracking something through the roof and walls. "She's circling around, bleeding off speed. SHE'LL BE HERE SOON! YOU GOTTA HIDE, now!"

I tensed and frantically scanned the inside of the bar. "Alright, alright, uhhh…" Unfortunately, the owner had apparently decided to clear out as much as he could before he left. All that was left in the place were a half dozen tables, some chairs, the bottles that were arrayed on the shelves behind the bar itself—the bar!

Moving fast, I scrambled towards the bar and vaulted myself over the countertop. Once I was on the other side, I pressed myself as close to the floor as I could, clamping both mine and Soundbite's mouths shut.

The sound of flapping wings followed by a sudden crunch of glass heralded the proactive buzzard's return, and told me that I hadn't been a moment too soon.

For a bare moment, silence reigned. No movement, no noise, no nothing.

RATATATATAT—!

Until Miss Friday let loose with a hail of bullets.

I was grateful for the sheer noise that the gunfire was producing, because I was cursing up a storm beneath my breath while the world around me went to pot. The bullets that flew above the bar impacted what was left of the establishment's liquor stock, eviscerating almost a dozen bottles in the first barrage alone and their shelves alongside them, sending a cascade of booze, glass and wood splinters raining down around me. Furthermore, while the thick wood of the bar itself served to stop more than a few of the bullets, others still managed to pass through. The round that ricocheted off my forearm was particularly distressing.

The one that punched through the bar inches in front of my eyes and buried itself in the floor beneath my nose was notably worse.

Then, as fast as the onslaught had started, it was all over, leaving behind only the tinkling of glass and the drip-drip-drip of wasted booze.

The silence lasted just long enough for my heartbeat to downgrade to the rhythm of a jackhammer… until it was ratcheted right back up there again by the slow and steady crunching of glass beneath that psychotic bitch of a bird's talons.

I dug my teeth into my lip as I fought to keep myself silent. God damn it, the second that bird found me I was going to be turned into a legitimate freaking sieve. What the hell could I possibly use to get out of here, I was in a bar for goodness sakes!

Suddenly, I was drawn out of my thoughts by Soundbite grunting firmly and nudging his head against my neck. The second he had my attention, he turned his eyestalks upward and jabbed them at something up and behind me.

I followed his gaze, and promptly widened my eyes in shock.

Of course… how could I forget? I wasn't just in a bar; I was in a stereotypical bar in the middle of the Grand Line.

Moving as slowly as possible in order to minimize the noise I was making, I slid my hands towards my last hope and wrapped my fingers around it, drawing it towards me as the sound of talons scratching against the floor came closer and closer.

I paused for a moment as I contemplated just how I could effectively use my newfound advantage, but was swiftly interrupted by a flap of wings and a heavy thunk echoing out from directly above me. I tensed furiously for a moment as I caught sight of Miss Friday's shadow looming on the wall before me… but I was able to marginally relax when the shadow's head instead started slowly swivelling back and forth, her gaze scanning the wood mere inches away from where I was lying.

Moving as swiftly as I dared, I positioned my only hope upwards, pointing it directly at where Miss Friday was standing as I readied myself for what I was about to attempt. Before I acted, I absentmindedly slid my headphones over my ears as a single thought ran through my head.

'If I get out of this alive, I am never complaining about there being too few gun laws for as long as I live.'

And with that, I racked the slide of the bartender's shotgun.

Miss Friday had just enough time to heave her wings and fling herself backwards off the bar as I pulled the shotgun's trigger, causing the bar to explode with an all-encompassing BANG!

I paused for a second as I waited for the world to stop ringing from the close-proximity detonation before hastily scrambling to my feet and throwing a glare at the vicious bird that had retreated to standing on one of the bar's tables. "Not so fun from the other side, huh?" I demanded hotly as I levelled the barrel at her.

Friday spared a glance at the gun before directing her own glare at me. "Do you even know how to use that?" she rasped viciously.

I glanced down for a moment before shrugging and reaffirming my grip. "Point shooty end at thing you want dead, pull trigger. Seems simple enough to me. Now…" I pumped the gun's slide again. "Smile, you ugly—!" I fired before I finished speaking, eviscerating the tabletop Friday had been standing on. Unfortunately, I missed the bird herself on account of how she leapt to another vantage point.

I repeated the process several times as I followed her across the bar, blasting table after chair after table in an attempt to take out my assailant. Admittedly, the sheer buck on this thing and my own shoulder wound weren't doing my aim any favors, but then again this was a shotgun I was using, and I'm pretty certain that the barrel was a few inches shorter than was strictly regulated, so I had a generous margin of error to work within.

Unfortunately, all too soon a resounding click! heralded the end of my chances to hit within said margin.

Miss Friday promptly froze before whipping her head around and viciously leering at me. Judging by her posture, she was about two seconds away from leaping at me, and the way she was digging her talons into the table she was on told me that she wasn't going to settle for her guns this time.

I froze in terror for a brief moment… before plastering a confident grin on my face as I recalled something that might just give me a chance. I swept a hand beneath the countertop and grabbed ahold of what I was looking for. "You really shouldn't be smiling, ya know!" I called out to the buzzard. "You think you've got me cornered? Newsflash: this is a bar, and the nation is in the middle of a war! And in my experience…" I widened my grin to what I hoped were truly manic levels, which caused Friday to hesitate uncertainly. "Bartenders can get their hands on the most interesting of items."

Before Friday could react, I whipped my arm out from under the bar and flung a small, dark object into the air. "FIRE IN THE HOLE!" I bellowed at the top of my lungs.

Friday promptly squawked in panic and upended the table she was on, diving beneath it. I darted into a corridor leading to the bar's backrooms just as the object bounced off of the tabletop.

I panted furiously as I searched the corridors, looking for somewhere to hide. "Think she'll be mad?"

Soundbite jabbed an eye out of his shell and gave me a befuddled look. "FOR THROWING A GRENADE? I don't think she'll live long enough!"

"Huh? Oh, that wasn't a grenade."

"WHAT!?" Soundbite yelped, jerking out of his shell in shock just as a screech of impotent avian rage tore through the bar.

I flinched at the unholy noise before grinning in relief as I caught sight of two curtains hanging on opposite sides of the hallway. Hel-lo, bathrooms! "Yeeeaaaah, that was a mug I noticed hanging under the bar. Sounds like she didn't appreciate it!" I chuckled as I ducked behind the curtain on the left, but not before kicking the right one so that it was fluttering slightly as well.

Soundbite's jaw hung open for a moment before he grinned eagerly. "You are DA BLUFF MASTAH!" he quietly giggled.

I nodded as I hid in the stall, flipping the shotgun in my grip and weighing it contemplatively before responding. "Yeah, well, let's see if it'll pay off. Cross your eyestalks…"

A second later, the sound of talons scrabbling on wood sounded out, and Friday's silhouette nosed its way in front of the curtain. Her head turned in our direction, but promptly froze as she no doubt noticed the other curtain moving. As it was, she had a fifty-fifty chance of finding my hiding place, and that was if I'd even decided to hide behind the curtains at all.

I swallowed silently as I held the gun up in anticipation. If it worked, I'd only have one shot at taking Friday down. If it didn't… well, I'd still have that one shot, but it would hinge on me being faster than her bullets, so I wasn't all that confident. In the end, it all hinged on what stall she chose.

Soundbite chose for her. Before I could react, the Baby Transponder Snail suddenly donned a massive grin and jerked forwards, loosing a resounding "ACHOO!"

An 'achoo' that sounded out in the stall we were in, nearly stopping my heart.

However, instead of filling me with lead, Miss Friday instead swung towards the curtains opposite us and let loose with her ammunition until her guns clicked dry. She stood firm for a moment, panting viciously…

CLONK!

Until I, unwilling to look a gift horse in the mouth, jumped onto her back and smashed the butt of the shotgun against the back of her skull, causing her to collapse into a heap of feathers.

"Holy crap…" I panted heavily as I wiped my forearm against my head. "So, that's what they mean when they say 'you bet your life'… " I then shot a dumbfounded look at Soundbite. "But why didn't she—?!"

Soundbite chortled heartily as he stuck his tongue out at Miss Friday. "I TOO AM DA BLUFF MASTAH! I guessed that after Little Garden, THESE TWO WOULDN'T TRUST THEIR EARS around me! TURNS OUT, IT WAS THEIR LOSS!"

I blinked at Soundbite in shock for a moment before smiling gratefully as I hefted the shotgun in my grip. Stock was a bit cracked, wouldn't be good as a club again was my guess. "Goddamn… not bad, Soundbite. I should have expected that from you."

Soundbite started to preen… but suddenly cut himself off and glared down the corridor, no doubt towards the bar's back door. "He's here."

"Yeah…" I swung my arm back and held the shotgun at the ready. "I was actually expecting that. Say when."

Things were tense for a brief moment as we waited…

"NOW!"

Until Soundbite's shout rang out, prompting me to swing the shotgun butt forward as hard as I could.

It was at just that moment that Mr. 13 shot out from around the corner of the corridor, bivalve shell separated into its twin shapes, blades extended to slice me open.

Thankfully, Soundbite's timing had been spot on: the shotgun butt caught the aquatic rodent dead in the center of his muzzle, managing to bat him back down the corridor and off the far wall before giving up the ghost and shattering.

Still, judging by the way 13 was growling and shaking his head, he wasn't completely down yet. Hence, I decided to tactically retreat back into the bar-proper, so as to give myself more room to fight. Once I was in the middle of what little remained of the tables, I wheeled around and faced the hall into the back room, eyeing it nervously and palming my baton.

I didn't have to wait long. Within moments, Mr. 13 leapt out of the corridor and landed on the countertop, his face set in a scowl and his blades held out at his sides.

I swallowed heavily before steeling my nerves and flicking my baton out to its full length. "Time to put an end to this, water-rat," I scowled.

"LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!" Soundbite roared.

Mr. 13 bounded into the main area, jumping off the bar and diving for me, shells drawn back to slice up whatever he could reach. Unfortunately for him, he instead ran into my baton, getting a hard smack to the head for his trouble that sent him tumbling to the floor. He skidded to a halt, and paused, seeming to rethink his approach as he re-evaluated me.

As for me, I couldn't help myself. I reached out with my left hand and did the Matrix-style "Come hither" gesture.

Baring his fangs, Mr. 13 bounded for me yet again, and I braced for another jump attack. Instead, though, he pushed off to the side, going to my left. I spun around to keep him in sight, but by the time I'd completed the turn he was already bounding around me again. I quickly gave up the turning as a lost cause as Mr. 13 bounced all over the room: off the bar, the tables, the chairs, the floor. I could barely keep track him.

"Behind, five o'clock!"

Thankfully, my 'barely' was Soundbite's 'effortlessly'. With my partner providing sound tracking and 13 unable to maneuver effectively in mid-air, this attack also simply resulted in him eating a baton strike, this time to the body.

"How d'you like that?" I crowed as the otter rolled up against the bar. He didn't reply in favor of getting up and grinning menacingly, before darting for me again. I tensed, waiting for him to do another jump charge or high-speed cut.

Problem is, he didn't do that, instead going for my legs.

"Ow, fuck!" I yelped as I felt the clamshells bounce off of my armored shins. They didn't really cut me, but god damn did the little bastard swing hard! I tried to hit him again with my baton, but he was far too low for that to work. All that earned me was a cut into the backs of my thighs.

Still, painful as it was, sooner or later 13 would put himself in position for me to punt him again.

"Let me know when he's about to go for the front," I muttered to Soundbite.

"Gotcha—Front!"

I kicked out my foot—and hit nothing but air as the thrice-damned fucking otter slammed into my groin head-first. The only thing that saved me from getting shredded into eunuch-dom was the fact that I instinctively grabbed at my abused member and fell forward, which trapped the furry bastard under me as I slumped onto the floor, whimpering.

"CROSS!" Soundbite shouted with considerable urgency. I ignored him, too wrapped up in my own agony.

I did not ignore the sharp prick I felt at my waist.

"Oh, no, you don't!" I shouted, flipping onto my back and throwing him off of me. I… might have put in a bit more force than I intended, due to the roaring pain I was still in, and Mr. 13 not only cleared the bar, he went high enough to hit the back shelf.

The second I caught sight of him, my eyes widened as an idea hit me. Here's hoping that this worked!

Moving as fast as I could, I vaulted over the bar and grabbed onto Mr. 13's onesie before he could recover and squirm his way off.

"Word to the wise, jackass," I growled as I pressed him into the woodwork. "Next time you fight someone who's more than triple your bodyweight, don't stay still long enough for them to grab you!" Before 13 could respond in any manner, I broke into a run down the length of the backshelf, dragging the otter through a combination of spilled alcohol, glass shards and the few odd bottles that had managed to survive Friday's onslaught and 13's acrobatics. Once I reached the end of the shelf, I twisted my body and heaved, flinging the otter at the wall—

SLAM!

Which he smacked into and stuck to with all the tenacity of silly putty. He stayed firmly stuck in place for a moment before slowly peeling off the wall and flopping to the ground, where he moaned and shook his head in an effort to clear it of the haze he was no doubt in.

I, however, wasn't about to let that happen, a sentiment I followed through with by digging my free hand into my pocket. This fight was ending here and now, and on my terms.

"Hey, jackass."

13 snapped his head around to glare at me, fangs bared in a snarl.

I kept my expression flat as I flicked the wheel of the lighter I was holding, bringing out a flame. "This message is brought to you by the Straw Hat Pirates, inadvertently funded by Master Chief Petty Officer Tashigi of the Marines."

The otter blinked in confusion for a brief moment before his jaw dropped open in panic, cold sweat running down his face as he recalled the fact that he was soaked in high-proof liquor. He started frantically shaking his head…

A motion I ignored as I split my lips in a scowl. "Don't. Fuck. With our friend's kingdom."

"The song of the HOUR IS GREAT BALLS OF FIRE!" Soundbite roared at the top of his lungs.

And with that, I tossed the lighter at the assassin.

13 scrambled in an effort to get away, but he didn't get far on account of the selfsame alcohol he was soaked in robbing him of any and all traction. It kept him in place just long enough—

FWOOSH!

"AAAAAAARGH!"

For the lighter to bounce off of his forehead and set him ablaze, causing him to howl and flail about in agony. 13 spent a brief moment attempting to wrench his onesie off of his body, but ultimately gave up and instead bolted towards the corridor to the back, thankfully robbed of his senses enough that he didn't think to try and set the rest of the booze in the place on fire.

"Oh, no, you don't!" I snarled, dashing after the pyro-clad pest and following him down the hallway.

When we reached Friday, 13 paid her no mind in favor of leaping right over her and continued his mad escape. I did, however, happen to notice the fact that she was slowly raising her head and shaking it blearily.

"DENIED!" I roared, stomping my feet down on her skull, Goomba-style, using her as an impromptu stepping stone to continue after her partner.

Within moments, 13 and I had reached the rear of the bar, where he rocketed out into the alleyway. From there, he beelined straight for a stray barrel, no doubt forgotten in the madness of the evacuation. The furry bastard ripped the cover clean off, revealing the water held within, before plunging himself into the liquid, submerging himself completely. Bubbles trailed up from the water for a few seconds…

"PWAAAAH!"

Until 13 burst out of the water with a sigh of relief, covered in almost comical scorch marks as he panted gratefully and floated on his back in the water. He allowed himself to relax for a moment, no doubt grateful to be back in his natural element.

"That'll do, pig."

"Hu—BRBRL!?"

I made him regret his decision by grabbing his shoulders and plunging him beneath the water, holding his head as far away from oxygen as I could manage.

"That'll do," I snarled darkly.

"DID YOU even SEE THAT MOVIE?" Soundbite asked with a cocked eyebrow.

I shrugged semi-indifferently as I struggled to keep the otter's head under. God damn he was strong for such a little bugger! "Not really, but it's the tone that counts."

"Good point," Soundbite conceded.

My struggle with 13 lasted a few goodly minutes, with the otter pulling every trick and tactic it could think of to try and get out. Unluckily for it for once, his onesie gave me just the kind of handhold I needed to keep him submerged. For a brief moment, I was seriously scared when the otter braced himself against the side of the barrel and started kicking, obviously trying to break it open. Thinking fast, I repositioned my left hand so that it was gripping the back of his neck, while I rammed my right fist into the back of his head a few times, forcing him to release a few more precious bubbles of oxygen.

Still, either way, the wood came this close to breaking, when finally his kicks started losing their strength, becoming weaker and weaker until… nothing.

I allowed myself to sag in relief when the otter went limp in my grip before turning contemplative. I had this little furry bastard right where I wanted him. I could end this, right here, right now, and no one would be any the wiser. Hell, even if someone did know, could they blame me? 13 had tried to kill me! And besides, he was just an otter. It wouldn't be that bad, right?

…right?

…

"Ah, screw it," I growled, heaving 13's head out of the water and shaking him a bit.

The assassin immediately jerked and spluttered, spitting out a hefty amount of water before gasping in relief. He tried to take in another breath—!

WHAM-WHAM-WHAM-WHAM-WHAM!

And I responded by repeatedly bouncing his skull off the edge of the barrel with as much force as I could put into it. By the time I was done, 13 was moaning unintelligibly, his sunglasses cracked and a rather massive steaming lump growing out of the point of impact.

Hey, I might have been merciful, but by no means was I stupid.

I allowed myself to relax slightly—

"SIX O'—ARGH!"

Until Soundbite suddenly screamed in terror, his warning cutting off just as swiftly as his weight disappeared from my shoulder.

"SOUNDBITE!" I screamed, hastily wheeling around.

Standing there, again, was Miss Friday in all her furious, if disheveled glory. Her feathers were ruffled, her wrinkled skin was showing more than a few bruises, and her goggles were definitely cracked, but apart from that she was fine. Fine enough that she had managed to sneak up on me and snatch Soundbite from my shoulder, save that she wasn't holding him in her talons this time. This time… he was in her beak.

And judging by the evil gleam in her goggles, he wasn't ever coming out if she could help it.

I breathed heavily as I inched my way towards the vulture, my arms spread in what I really hoped was a non-threatening manner. "Alright, alright…" I hissed nervously. "You have Soundbite, you have the advantage, let's not do anything stupid—" I tried to take a step forwards…

"ACK!" Soundbite yelped as Friday's beak suddenly tensed.

"Alright!" I shot my foot back, raising my hands in surrender. "Y-you don't just have the advantage, you have me by the balls! Just-just what do you want, huh? What do you want!?"

Friday cocked her head to the side, feigning thinking about something. Finally, she tilted her beak up into a sneer. "I told you earlier… I want you…"

She suddenly tensed her beak further, causing a resounding CRACK! to echo out, accompanied by an agonized yelp from Soundbite.

"To suffer."

And with that, the muscles in her jaw tensed as she prepared to seriously bite down.

"SOUNDBITE!" I shouted, jerking at the avian menace.

Soundbite's response to all this…

"YEEEAAARGH!"

Was to scream like I'd never heard him scream before.

The sound tore through me like a shot through the heart.

In Friday's case, the comparison was a lot more literal. Without warning, Friday's beak was suddenly split open by a crack, blood oozing out from between the keratin fragments. And that was far from the end of it, either. Friday's entire body reacted, her every muscle and joint snapping taut as she went rigid, shuddering in what I presumed was agony, her legs buckling beneath her and, unless my eyes deceived me, some of her feathers even falling out. In the process of her flailing, Soundbite was flung away from the buzzard's form, accompanied by a spray of blood.

"SOUNDBITE!" I yelped as I watched him fly away. I took a brief moment to glance at Friday, but if the way she was lying on her back with bloody foam bubbling out of her beak was any indication, I'd say that she was finally down for the count.

Satisfied with my victory, I dashed over to where Soundbite had been thrown. Thankfully, when I found him, it was just as he was poking his head out of a bag of white powder he'd managed to land in; flour, from the texture of it. He was hacking and wheezing up a few lungfuls of the stuff, but apart from a nasty crack in his shell, he seemed unharmed.

"Soundbite! Are you alright!?" I asked desperately as I fished him out of the powder.

Soundbite coughed and wheezed for a second as he tried to shake the stuff off of him, but he nodded nonetheless.

"Oh, thank God…" I sagged in relief. "That was way too close for comfort." I glanced back at Friday contemplatively. "But what the heck was that?" I trailed off as I thought it over. Soundbite had screamed before she'd reacted, louder than I'd ever heard. And earlier today he'd been practicing humming. Humming so low that the very air was vibra—!

"It was you, wasn't it?" I breathed in awe. "That humming thing you were doing, you were looking for a frequency that affects matter! Like-like how just the right noise is supposed to shatter glass, only you made it work on something that wasn't glass! I-If I had to guess, then you must have shattered every bone in Friday's body when you hit her with pure noise, right?"

Soundbite preened and nodded eagerly… before blinking and looking down in confusion.

I dismissed his expression in favor of revelling of the sheer display of badassery I'd just seen. "Soundbite, that's-that's incredible! Innovative, powerful, useful… I can't imagine just how many barriers can be brought down with a simple blast of—!"

I trailed off as an idea struck me before my grin returned with gusto. "I think I just got an idea for a name for this technique. Tell me, how does 'Gastro-Blast' work for you?"

Soundbite's expression immediately became ecstatic, his grin opening up… as he let out a strangled, raspy noise that translated into nothing.

I blinked in confusion. "Uh… Soundbite?"

Soundbite tried to speak again, and let out yet another rasp. He tried again and again, but all that came out was that exact same rusty wheeze.

I felt the blood drain from my face as I realized what the hell was happening, though I dearly hoped that I was wrong. "Soundbite…" I started slowly. "Please tell me that you can say something!"

Soundbite wheezed and hacked like a broken squeaky toy, panic evident in his own expression.

I glanced at the sack of flour Soundbite had landed in. It must have gotten in his mouth, in his throat. Shit, even when we managed to beat the Unluckies fair and square, we still suffered for their involvement!

"Soundbite, we still need you to amp Vivi so that she can stop the rebellion!" I hissed. "Please, for the love of God tell me that there's still something you can do!"

Soundbite wheezed frantically for a moment longer before giving me an apologetic look and shaking his head.

I hung my head with a tortured groan. "Yeah, that just figures, doesn't it? Ergh…"

I snapped my head up to the sky again. "You're enjoying this, aren't you? Let me repeat myself: if I live through this, I had better have some damn good form of compensation coming my way, BECAUSE YOU FUCKING OWE ME!"

I spared the troll that brought me here and was no doubt laughing at me right now no more thought as I took off running; with Soundbite muted, the war wasn't going to stop until the rain started falling…

"Soundbite, which way is the square?"

The snail shot me an incredulous look.

"If we can't amp Vivi, then this rebellion isn't going to stop until the sky spills over, and that's going to be after a lot of Vivi's people die. If we can't stop this, then we can at least cut down on the casualties. Now, which way is it?"

Soundbite grimaced, apparently at his own inability to talk, and indicated a direction with his eyestalks. I took off running the next second, trying to fight my way past the pain I felt in my legs. I grit my teeth as I remembered Nami's fight with Doublefinger.

"This pain…it's nothing compared to what she's going through," I muttered to myself, forcing my way through the streets. After a few minutes, I turned into an alleyway where I saw a welcome sight.

"Nami!"

The navigator turned to look at me, but her next reaction wasn't what I was expecting: her face morphed into a scowl, and she shifted her Clima-Tact in her hands, ready to attack.

"Wh—it's me, Nami!" I said, throwing up my hands in surrender.

"Who's the second greatest traveler in the world?" she asked flatly.

"Hu—oh, right! That would be Pandaman, ranking right below Gol D. Roger!" I promptly replied.

"Wrong answer! Pandaman doesn't exist," she growled, jabbing the point of her staff at me.

"That's a lie! Pandaman is real, just like the great Goda!" I shot back.

Nami's posture relaxed. Her face didn't.

"Cross, what the hell happened to the plan of stopping the rebel army before they even got here?" she snapped.

I snarled in response as I gestured at my bandaged shoulder. "A homicidal otter with dual shell-blades and a vulture armed with high-caliber machineguns stole my talking snail and then tried to kill me when I jumped off a building to catch up to them!" I let that statement mull over for a brief moment before my expression fell slack. "What the hell has my life become?"

Nami sighed in turn as she shook her head. "Madness and insanity, Cross, madness and insanity…" She then smiled lightly as she squeezed my uninjured shoulder. "Still, at least you managed to get out of there alright."

"For a certain definition of 'alright,' anyway," I replied darkly. Shaking that off for the moment, I noticed that Nami was in a lot better shape than I expected. She had a few scratches and minor puncture marks here and there, yeah, but at least she didn't have a hole punched into her leg, so that was definitely something. "Looks like you managed to make out like a bandit, too, huh?"

Nami snickered in agreement and jabbed her Clima-Tact in the ground before flashing a V-sign. "Ee-yup! Assassin that bitch might have been, but she sure as hell couldn't hit someone she couldn't see! I just kept sneaking around and turning her into a lightning rod until all she could do was twitch!" She then shuddered and slapped her hand to a bruise that was starting to develop on her midsection. "Granted, she did manage to zero in on me a few times and give me a hell of a lariat, with those freaky arms of hers, but yeah, turns out that using a lightning-barrage is a really good tactic."

"Yeah, just as long as you're not fighting someone who ate a Devil Fruit that makes them immune to lightning," I chuckled.

There was a pregnant pause as Nami digested that. "…Are we going to be fighting someone like that?" she asked.

I gave her a flat look, as did Soundbite. She blinked in confusion, and then facepalmed as it hit her.

"Right, stupid question," she groaned.

"Seriously, you're supposed to be the smart one," I continued, before pausing and tacking on a qualification. "At least, until there's a lot of money involved."

CLONK!

"Okay, I admit, I earned that one," I moaned as I massaged the goose egg now sprouting from my head. Soundbite concurred by shaking with silent laughter.

Nami opened her mouth to say something… before pausing as she realized something and cast a half-flat-half-panicked look at the snail. "Cross…" she started slowly. "Why isn't the big-mouthed snail laughing his little ugly ass off like he always does whenever I hit you?"

Soundbite and I froze with dual-stricken expressions before I grinned sheepishly. "Ah… he lost his voice when we beat the Unlucki—ERK!"

"YOU MEAN TO TELL ME OUR ACE IN THE HOLE IS USELESS NOW!?" Nami howled as she tried to wring my neck.

"Uncle… Uncle…!" I managed to wheeze out.

"Tsk… at least some things stay the same in this crazy world."

Nami and I looked at the source of the strained yet familiar voice and promptly recoiled in horror. The person before us looked like Zoro… if the swordsman had been put through an industrial-sized meat grinder.

"Holy shit, man, how the hell are you alive!?" I demanded, rushing over to him and supporting one of his arms. "I swear to God, I've seen shredded beef brisket less cut up than you! Nami, come and give me some help, damn it!"

"Eh… you're sure he doesn't have any bloodborne diseases, right?"

"JUST HURRY UP AND PUT IT ON HIS TAB, WOMAN!"

"Alright, alright…" Nami grumbled as she joined me.

Zoro shot a halfhearted glare in my direction. "Hey, I don't need your—!"

"If these wounds don't lay you out, then I can guarantee you that Chopper will," I shot back flatly. "Do you want him to break out the good drugs again, hmm? Do you?"

Zoro promptly adopted a panicked expression and shuddered heavily. "So many colors and I couldn't hit any of them… Alright already, just hurry up and get me patched up."

"Heh," I chuckled as Nami and I helped haul Zoro out of the alleyway. "Yeah, that's what I thought."

-o-

The rest of the crew was waiting for us at the palace walls, and it was clear that they had had varying levels of success in their fights. Usopp was only about 70% covered in bandages rather than 100%, Chopper looked a bit better, Sanji was only somewhat banged up, and Vivi had a few bullet holes in her clothes, but nothing serious. Alongside them were Chaka, Pell, Luffy… and oddly enough, Kohza. Luffy waved off my apologies for not telling him about Crocodile's weakness, saying that he knew it now, before he went back to the palace lawn for his rematch. Once he rocketed off, I forestalled the crew asking if he'd win this time by asking what Kohza was doing there, leaving him and Pell to explain.

From what they said, Vivi's absence from the palace when Crocodile arrived and started interrogating Cobra hadn't changed much in the grand scheme of things. Cobra had stayed tight-lipped up until the point where Kohza showed up at the palace. Crocodile, smug bastard that he was, had informed Kohza of the truth, and then Miss All Sunday prepared to silence him. Cobra spoke out against that, and proposed to lead Robin to the Poneglyph if she released Kohza. As soon as they left, Crocodile elected to gloat at Kohza for a while before killing him anyway by dropping him off the balcony, only for Luffy and Pell to show up at just the right moment to catch him. As their explanation finished, Vivi took the opportunity to ask Soundbite to amplify her, and Chaka and Pell promptly had to hold her back from strangling us when I told her that he had lost his voice.

"So, what are we supposed to do now?" Kohza asked as the two finished pulling her away.

"Vivi, you managed to take out the Mr. 7 team, right?" I quickly confirmed.

"I—yes, the Kicking Claw Force is guarding the bomb now," Vivi nodded in confirmation, visibly calming herself before turning to her family's keepers. "Pell, do you think that you can fly it out of range of the city and still be safe?"

"Of course, Princess Vivi, I'm more than capable of it!" Pell answered with a bow before wincing painfully. "Admittedly, I might still be sore from that Sunday woman—!"

Vivi shot a cold glare at me, which forced me to look away uncomfortably.

"But so long as I take it straight up and dive a few seconds before it goes off, then yes, I should be fine. I'll take care of it at once, unless there's anything else you need?"

Vivi glanced at me and I shrugged uneasily. "Hell if I know, things are already completely nuts as is."

She eventually just sighed and waved Pell on. "Then fine, go. Actually, as a matter of fact, I'll go with you," Vivi decided as she stepped up to him. "The clocktower will give me a good vantage point I can use to try and catch everyone's attention."

"Alright," Nami nodded in agreement. "Meanwhile, we'll try and stop this madness as best as we can from here on the ground. Any ideas how?"

"No public speeches, for one," I grumbled, casting a glance at Kohza. "Tell your most trusted officers and stop the fighting piece by piece, but if you put yourself out in the open and do it all at once, you're just going to get shot by a plant… or a lone radical, for that matter."

"But we've already purged the Royal Army; wouldn't it raise suspicion if one of them fired—?"

"How hard is it to change uniforms?" Sanji asked quietly.

That brought everyone up short.

"And besides that, in this madness," I gestured at the war going on a few dozen scant feet from us, kept where it was only by some Rebels and Royals noticing their respective leaders and trying to keep them safe, mostly by gritting their teeth and shooting at the two armies rather than each other, "it wouldn't matter either way. One shot, Kohza goes down and everything flares back up again. No, we can't stop this fighting on our own. The best we can do is try and slow this all down and hold out until Luffy beats Crocodile, then everything will come to an end."

"T-try—"

Everyone glanced at Soundbite, the whisper just loud enough for us to hear it. He went back to wheezing again after saying it, but the message was clear.

"So, we're buying time and keeping the body count to a minimum until Luffy beats Crocodile, and if Soundbite manages to get his voice back in the meantime, so much the better for us," Nami concluded.

I nodded in agreement before clapping my hands firmly. "We all know what to do. Let's get to it."

Vivi swallowed and nodded grimly in response, climbing onto Pell's back once he transformed. "Good luck to you all."

"You too!"

And with that, she was off and we all dove into the fray.

Protip: fighting against a mass of people like that? It sucks. It sucks a lot. It wasn't just blades and bullets we had to look out for in the pandemonium, it was limbs, heads, flying boots, rocks…you name it, it probably nearly beaned me half a dozen times over the course of the melee. And it wasn't just my ass I had to look after, it was everyone else's as well. I had to keep a Rebel from slashing Usopp from behind, smash in the face of a Baroque Works plant that tried to take a shot at Chopper, and I am fairly certain that Royal Guard who tried to grab Nami didn't have that limp when the war started.

That said, I did let that one Royal soldier slam into Zoro's chest. After all the shit he'd been putting me through, it felt nice to laugh at least a little bit.

Still, for all the times that I had to watch my friend's backs, they had mine just as much. If it weren't for the half-formed lightning Nami seemed to make out of thin air, I'd have gotten shot in the head. If it weren't for Sanji kneecapping a Rebel I'd missed, I'd have literally lost my head. Hell, if it weren't for Soundbite nearly taking a chunk out of my neck with his teeth, a cannonball that someone had been stupid enough to fire off would have gone clean through my torso.

Though I'm fairly certain that Zoro let that bastard with the club nearly break my nose before he stopped him, which, in my opinion, was just uncalled for.

And the worst of it all was… that it was practically unending. Minutes, hours... you could have told me that it went on for days, and I wouldn't have known the difference. All I could focus on was staying standing. Throw a kick at the misguided rebel, swing the baton at the plant in the Royal outfit, backhand the guy trying to sneak up on me, dodge out of the way of the lightning bolt (really needed to help Nami figure out a way to control that), brain left, brain right, crotch shot center. It was exhausting, and the fact that I couldn't stop remembering what the cause of all this was kept my adrenaline from giving me any reprieve.

But every time I was about to collapse from exhaustion, every time I was about to give up and collapse and let someone else take up the slack… All I had to do was listen. I just had to strain my hearing and listen.

ZSSSSHHHHH!

That wasn't what I was listening for, that was Nami frying a group of unruly Royals - and a few Rebels we'd managed to get on our side ah, damn it!

Ergh, that made our job a bit harder, but no, no, what I was listening for was… her voice. Vivi's voice. Even with her newfound confidence and sense of authority, she couldn't help but speak up. Although… she wasn't really speaking at all. Rather she was… screaming. Pleading as loud as she possibly could for everyone, Royals she was trying to make listen and Rebels who wouldn't, to just. Stop. Fighting.

She was trying, trying so hard… and so long as she was trying, that meant that I had absolutely no right to stop, even for a moment.

Still, thankfully enough a reprieve did come eventually, in the form of what was all but an act of God. The sky lit up, the sheer sound seemed to make the air shatter. I couldn't even begin to contemplate where the hell Crocodile could have gotten a bomb like that. Worst case scenario, Joker had provided it to him, which meant that Doflamingo had the capability to level a city tucked in his back pocket and available to the highest bidder.

Still, for all that the bomb was horrific in its power, at least it gave us something of a reprieve due to everyone pausing to look up at the sky. I took advantage of the lull by tackling a stunned BW plant who'd been about to mess with a stock of gunpowder in a way that I assumed wouldn't help anyone present.

Sadly, as swiftly as the pause started, it ended, with a roar from every soldier present. And unlike before… this one was just so much more worse. I had a sneaking suspicion that each soldier was blaming the other side for the bomb, which made their reaction rather understandable.

Still, understandable though it was, it was just… flat out terrifying. The sheer hatred, the bloodlust… they weren't fighting for their causes anymore, half of this was out of a triggered primal need to fight just for fighting's sake.

The only good part of it was that in the midst of it all, I managed to catch sight of something big, white and feathery diving into the madness just as it restarted. And I couldn't help but notice the crowd leave a fairly sizable empty space around him.

By this point, the only reason exhaustion hadn't led to us all getting overrun was that the dueling armies were just as tired. My dodges were drunken and the counterattacks sluggish, but my opponents were in equally bad shape. At this rate, the fight might have actually ended with everyone dying from exhaustion rather than by steel and black powder.

Thankfully, however, that wasn't how it ended.

The way it ended… was with the sound of strings.

It brought me up short for a second, but there it was: violins and cellos, clear as the day itself, ringing out loud and proud over the sound of warfare. And just as soon as the strings started up, they were joined by other instruments as well: trumpets ringing out like clarions, drums pounding hard enough to shake our very cores. A full orchestra, blaring out triumphantly against the ravages of this war.

I strained my ears as I listened to the music, trying to place it, because it sounded so familiar. And the second I did…

"Pfff… PFHAHAHAHAHA!"

I fell to my knees and laughed. I laughed and laughed and laughed, letting so much joy and relief roll out of me.

Nami, dumbfounded by both the music and my reaction alike, paused and glanced over at me in shock. "Cross, do you know what's going on? Do you know what that music is?"

"PFHAHAHA!" I roared happily. "Oh, I know what this music is, alright, I know!" At that moment, the ground beneath us started to tremble and lurch, shaking us all to our very cores.

"What the—?" Nami started, looking down at her feet, but I kept going.

"THIS IS THE MUSICAL MASTERPIECE KNOWN AS DVORAK'S NINTH SYMPHONY, PLAYED IN E MINOR, 'FROM THE NEW WORLD!'" I laughed. "AND IF IT'S PLAYING, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW, THEN THAT CAN ONLY MEAN ONE THING, AND ONE! THING! ONLY!"

I forced myself to my feet, and pointed in the distance, where several buildings were beginning to tilt due to the bulging and distended earth.

"IT MEANS THAT THIS IS ALL OVER! IT MEANS THAT THIS WAR IS OVER! IT MEANS THAT WE! HAVE! WON!"

Nami followed my gaze and gasped in shock. "You… you mean—?" she asked, hope tinging her voice.

The music crescendoed, the earth erupted… and Crocodile, sandy cold-blooded bastard that he was, was sent flying.

"HE WON!" I whooped, flinging my arms up in victory. Tears streamed from the corners of my eyes as I laughed in relief, watching as soldier after soldier stopped fighting to gape in awe. "LUFFY BEAT CROCODILE! HE WON!"

The crew promptly joined me in celebrating, and I watched with no small amount of relief as the soldiers paused to listen to the beautiful noise of the music filling the air.

Beautiful… noise…

"YOUR VOICE IS BACK!" I howled, pointing at Soundbite, who jumped in shock and caused the music to cut off with a record scratch.

"I-I didn't notice!" Soundbite yelped, his voice still slightly raspy. "I-I WAS listening to LUFFY FIGHT AND and it felt right!"

"Oh, that's alright, then," I nodded cordially. "We all make mistakes, and this was a very stressful—GYRGH!"

"AMP VIVI, NOW!" Nami shrieked as she grabbed my throat.

"R-RIGHT!" I choked out before jabbing my finger at the clocktower. "AM—GASTRO-AMP, MAX VOLUME! AND GIVE IT DIRECTIONALITY, NO VOICE OF GOD!"

"ROGER ROGER!" Soundbite nodded in agreement, focusing intently on the clocktower.

A moment later, Vivi's voice rang out as clear as a bell. While it lacked the direction of the voice of God, at least it matched the sheer intensity and volume.

After that, well… the rest, as it is often said, was history.

It had been a long and hard road, filled with pain and suffering aplenty, but at long last, the core of the Alabasta Saga was said and done.

All that was left for us was to move onto the epilogue, and from there… to simply move on.