Chapter 20 - Alabasta Pt 6

Hornet AN: Oh, Cross...

Even after I laid out the remaining Officer Agents' abilities, as well as a few suggestions for how their fights could go a bit smoother (here's hoping that Nami's self-esteem would benefit from a much-improved fight with Doublefinger), the mood on Scissors' back was still seriously tense.

Everyone was dealing with their nervousness in their own ways. Sanji was all but literally burning his way through a pack of cigarettes; Zoro was hefting a rather bored Eyelashes as a makeshift dumbbell; Usopp was making up taller tale after taller tale with less and less plausibility, which Chopper was only halfheartedly listening to; Nami was absentmindedly twirling the three parts of her Clima-Tact through her fingers in an astonishing display of dexterity; Vivi was brooding, disturbingly enough; and Soundbite…

I'll be honest, what Soundbite was doing was the strangest out of everyone here: he'd had me take him off my shoulder and put him down on Scissors' back, where he was frowning and grinding his teeth as he… hummed. He didn't sing, didn't cackle, didn't make any other noise just hummed. Well, technically he didn't just hum. He demonstrated a wider variety of humming than I'd thought physically existed. Low pitch, high pitch, wavering pitch, hell, even a bass pitch low enough that it shook the air around Soundbite and me, even though I was less than half a foot away from him! When I asked the snail what he was doing, he'd just dismissed me, saying that he was trying to 'work something out.'

I watched everyone wallow in doom and gloom for a moment longer before deciding to draw their attention by clearing my throat. "Alright, guys—!"

"HEY, AMIGOS!" Scissors suddenly barked up over the wind of his speed. "SANDORA COMING UP IN A FEW MINUTES! TERMINUS, EVERYONE OFF!"

I snapped my mouth shut with a huff. Alright, save the pontificating for later. Right now, concentrate on cutting down our swim-time to an absolute minimum.

"HUH!?" Usopp barked incredulously. "What do you mean, get off!? You're a crab!"

"That's normal crabs, amigo! I'm a mover crab, biiig difference!" Scissors shot back. "Give me waves of sand over waves of water any day!"

"And besides," I sighed, giving Usopp a flat look. "Crabs move by scuttling along through the sand beneath the water. So, unless you've recently acquired gills…"

"GLUG GLUG GLUG!" Soundbite chortled, prompting me to scoop him back onto my shoulder.

"But this is still a problem!" Vivi fretted. "Even if we managed to cross the river in time, which I doubt since it's about as wide as a small sea and we have one and a half Devil Fruit users on board—"

"HEY!"

"—we'd still need to make our way through the desert to reach Alubarna, and that would take the rest of the day, at minimum, and at worst it would take—!"

"Vivi, you're babbling," Zoro grunted.

"OF COURSE I'M BABBLING, THE FATE OF MY PEOPLE AND MY KINGDOM ARE AT STAKE!" Vivi screeched, her blood pressure reaching an all-time high if the way the veins on her forehead were throbbing was anything to go by.

I allowed myself to grin cheekily in the face of her fury. "Funny you should word it like that…"

Everyone stared at me in confusion for a moment until the penny dropped for both Zoro and Nami. Zoro threw his head back and laughed uproariously, drawing incredulous looks from everyone else, while Nami's face swiftly matched Vivi's own infuriated hue.

"You have got to be kidding me…" the navigator hissed viciously. "That's what you were talking about!? Seriously!?"

I shrugged with a snicker. "What can I say, Nami? Desperate times call for desperate measures! I paid my dues, now it's your turn to pony up!"

"WOO! Shake it, mama!" Soundbite cackled eagerly.

Vivi's gaze was rapidly shifting between us, her hysterical rage bleeding away into confusion. "Uh…wait, what? What's going on, what are you talking about?"

"Weeeell," I drawled slowly. "See, here's the thing: Scissors can make some damn good headway into the Sandora River..."

"He can!?" most of the crew asked in surprise.

"Come again, hombre!?" Scissors concurred.

"Oh yeah, it's totally possible!" I nodded. "He just needs the right…" I grinned eagerly. "Motivation."

Vivi was still stumped, so Nami growled and jabbed her thumb at Sanji as an answer. "Remember our little… 'wardrobe malfunctions'?"

The princess took one look at the cook before turning an interesting combination of colors. "I—n-n-no, you can't possibly mean—!"

Soundbite started whistling out a very…specific type of groove that would have been popular in the 70s, in-between the gales of raucous laughter.

Vivi settled for a clean flush that was either pure rage or pure embarrassment. "You can't be serious."

"Come on, Princess!" I cooed through my smirk. "You've already done so much for your nation, what's a bit of skin—and maybe a slight shake of the hips—at the clutch?"

Nami ground her teeth as she stood up, jabbing her finger at me. "We will have words about this Cross, count on it!"

My smirk promptly lost a lot of its vigor in face of Nami's and Vivi's unholy (read: feminine) wrath. "C-come on, now, you can't be that pissed! You were barely even ticked at Sanji and Scissors in the story, why do I get the third degree!?"

"Those two," she jabbed her thumb and finger at the cook and crab in question, "are innocent enough perverts. It's in their nature, and more often than not? Not enough harm for a foul. You, on the other hand, are not a pervert. You're just doing this for laughs!"

I swallowed nervously as I swapped my gaze between the two women looming over me, hastily plastering a shaky smile on my face. "Ah… in my defense… you think all men are perverts?"

"All men are perverts, they just show it to different degrees," Nami stated flatly.

I could feel the sweatdrop hanging off the back of my head. "Fair enough. In that case… I plead the fifth?"

"Even if I knew what that was, I'd still veto it," Vivi growled.

I settled for just whimpering miserably.

Vivi and Nami kept up their glares for a moment longer before sighing simultaneously in defeat.

"Still, as demeaning as it might be, I can't deny that it's a workable plan…" Nami groaned to herself.

"So, should we just take them off now, or…?" Vivi trailed off uncomfortably as she hesitantly fingered her robes.

"Ah, no no no!" I hastily rallied. "Hold off on that until we're barely at the water, we want to get as much of a boost as we can get."

"The heck are you going on about, amigo?" Scissors spoke up.

"Just wait until we're at the water, then look back here. Trust me, you'll like this!" I called back.

Sanji, Usopp, and Eyelashes had by now put the pieces together, and were staring expectantly at the girls, not bothering to hide their attentiveness. Chopper was still clueless, and Zoro was still snickering, though he wisely averted his eyes from them. I elected to do the same, not wanting the two of them angrier at me than they were already, and looked in the distance as the river approached. I struggled between holding my tongue until the time was right and speaking up before it was too late. Fortunately, Soundbite spoke just as we were a few feet from the shoreline.

"NOW! Ladies, please," he said, grinning.

There was a momentary sigh of exasperation and the sound of rustling cloth. Then…

"Oh, Scissors~" the girls crooned in tones of voices I had never heard before…or at least, not from Vivi.

"Huh? What is it, chicas?" Scissors asked as he rotated his eyestalks to look at us. He blinked in surprise for a moment as he took in the sight. Then...

"ARRIBA!" Scissors whooped euphorically, putting on a ludicrous burst of speed and ripping across the surface of the Sandora River.

"YEEHAW!" Soundbite whooped ecstatically between gritted teeth as he clung for dear life to my shoulder. "THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' 'BOUT!"

I couldn't fault Soundbite for his precarious position, seeing how I myself was hanging on to Scissors'…fur? With just as much tenacity. "PFFHAHAHAHA! NOW WE'RE REALLY MOVING!" I laughed eagerly.

"GO, SCISSORS!" Chopper and Soundbite cried eagerly.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT THIS IS ACTUALLY WORKING!" Vivi shouted over the wind.

"NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF THE FEMALE FORM, VIVI!" Nami shouted back. "IT'S LIFE'S GREAT SKELETON KEY! NOW, IF ONLY I COULD MAKE THIS CRAB PAY ME, THEN I'D REALLY BE HAPPY!"

Of course, all good things must come to an end, and this one slowly started grinding to a halt as Scissors started sinking into the Sandora.

"We're losing speed!" Sanji cursed.

"S-sorry, hombres!" Scissors wheezed desperately, obviously fighting to catch his breath. "I might love the chicas, but even I've got my limits!"

My eye twitched slightly as I came up with an idea. It was legitimately suicidal, but god damn it, I was already in the hole and I wasn't going for a swim without a fight. "We still have one option…" I bit out furiously before springing to my feet and jabbing my finger in the air. "ACTIVATE RETRO BOOSTERS! HOT GIRL-ON-GIRL ACTION, ENGAGE!"

CRUNCH!

"WE'D RATHER DROWN!" the girls screamed as they retracted their legs from where they'd planted them.

"My progeny…" I whimpered pitifully as I fell forwards onto my face, cradling my bruised… nether regions.

"Did you honestly think that would work?" Usopp said, eyeing me uncomfortably.

"I had… to try…" I wheezed as I feebly raised my fist into the air in a show of defiance. A show that was promptly crushed under Nami and Vivi's heels.

"GO DIE!" they bit out.

"BAHAHA!"

"G-going down, hombres!"

"HEEHEEHEEHOOHOO—GLUG, GAGH!"

Thankfully, the shock of the… surprisingly lukewarm water was enough to rip me out of my agony and back into reality, prompting me to doggy paddle for dear life as Scissors sank and promptly started crabby-paddling his way back to the shore.

"Well, that didn't work…" Sanji huffed as he spat out a soggy cigarette.

Soundbite mumbled out something unintelligible from my shoulder, both due to the fact that he was burying his teeth into my coat for dear life and that there was a not-inconsiderable amount of water lapping against him.

"Yeah, alright, so we didn't manage to make it the entire way…" I grumbled in frustration. "But hey, look on the bright side: with my timing, we managed to get the most out of that boost! That's worth something, right?"

Going by the glare she was sending my way, I was reasonably certain that Nami would have punched me again if she wasn't using all of her arm strength to swim.

"So, Cross," Zoro spoke up. "I'm assuming that something else is going to come to help us across the river?"

"In a manner of speaking…" I eyed the water around us uneasily. Where the hell was it?

"What do you mean by—!?"

SPLASH! "GROOOARGH!"

"A SANDORA CATFISH!" Vivi shrieked fearfully. "THEY'RE MAN-EATERS!"

"You were saying?" I deadpanned.

"Withdrawn," Zoro growled as he plunged his hand beneath the water, presumably to grab the hilt of one of his swords.

"Oh, don't bother! They're already handling it," I waved him off dismissively.

"Who's they!?" Usopp demanded, trying to backpedal from the catfish's gaping jaws while struggling to keep Chopper balanced atop his head.

However, before the Catfish could successfully swallow him, it jerked back and started thrashing in agony.

"Them," I grinned as the Catfish finally keeled over and was swarmed by a crowd of very familiar figures. "He-llo, Kung Fu Dugongs!"

The martial-artist marine mammals whooped and waved at us eagerly as they celebrated their victory on the fish's carcass. Hastily clambering on allowed Soundbite to regain his ability to translate their barks to words for us. "We couldn't allow our master's disciples and crewmates to just be swallowed whole-fu! We'll tow you the rest of the way-fu!"

"We're not Luffy's disciples," Nami deadpanned with a sweatdrop.

"Speak for yourself, I'm already neck-deep in the school of hard-knocks…" I growled acridly as I cast a glare at Zoro, who merely chose to respond with a vicious glare.

"Either way, we're very grateful for your help," Vivi bowed thankfully. "I realize our means of communication are somewhat limited, but I promise I'll try and repay you however I can once all this is over!"

The Dugongs' speaker returned her bow, though he glanced at another Dugong hesitantly before responding. "We appreciate the offer, but that won't be necessary-fu. We have… other plans for the future-fu."

Vivi blinked in surprise at the response, but we reached the shore before she could question him further.

"Well, we should be going!" I grinned as I grabbed Vivi's shirt and dragged her off the Catfish carcass. "Best of luck to you!"

The Dugongs waved us off as we made our way into the sands. Once we were a ways away, Sanji turned his attention to the desert. "Alright, we've done pretty good so far… so what's next? I doubt that Eyelashes could make it to Alubarna in time—"

"Well, maybe if I had some form of, shall we say, 'motivation?'" the camel proposed, batting his eyelids.

"Carrying all of us?" I cut in hastily before Vivi could draw the Peacock Slasher she was starting to finger. "No, our ride to the capital should be here any second now. Soundbite?"

"SOUND THE TRUMPETS, CAUSE HERE COME THE CAVALRY!" Soundbite announced, blaring up a bugle call as a dust-cloud showed up on the horizon, swiftly approaching us.

"Please don't tell me that's the enemy!" Usopp blurted nervously as he whipped his goggles down and started trying to puzzle out who was approaching us.

"No, wait, that's—that's Carue!" Vivi cried eagerly. As if on cue, the duck and his companions slid to a stop several feet from us. "And he's brought the Supersonic Duck Squadron with him!"

"Wepowting for duty, Pwincess!" Carue squawked as he and the rest of the ducks snapped their wings into a salute and stood at attention. Their postures then immediately faltered as they joined Carue in glaring daggers at Soundbite. "This wasn't somethin' Aye missed."

"Wow, you werwen't kidding, this is annoywing," the duck wearing the roman helmet and chomping down on a cigar grumbled.

"Uh… ah dunno…" said a duck in the back with a timid expression and a reversed baseball cap who was scratching the back of his head. "Ah'm just happy we can tawk at all, so—!"

"Shaddup, Stomp," the rest of the Squadron squawked in a nigh-rehearsed, tired tone of voice.

"Sowwy…" the duck apologized, slumping his head with a sigh.

"Alright, enough!" I cut in, especially after I noticed Soundbite starting to open his own mouth. "Now, Carue, thank you for coming. I think I already know the answer to this, but do you think you can get us back to Alubarna in time?"

"HA!" one of the stockier ducks barked, exposing a full set of teeth. "We ain't cawed 'Supahsonic' for nuthin', bud! It'll be close, but we'll getcha there, naw sweat!"

"Alright, alright…" I nodded slowly as I processed that statement. I mulled over the canon sequence of events and puzzled out how I could figure into things. I then proceeded to grin eagerly as I came upon an idea. "Well! If you're all ready to saddle up and head out, I think that I might just have a plan so that we can stop—or at least stall—this rebellion in its tracks before it can throttle up into full swing!" I swung my eager gaze over our group. "Who's with me?!"

The grins I got back were answer enough.

I nodded eagerly as I shoved my Marine cap inside out in order to hide the logo before placing it on my head. "Then let's get on with it!"

-o-

I peeked around the side of the bluff we were all hiding behind, just a meager mile from the statuesque form of Alubarna. I had to give Vivi's ancestors credit where credit was due: their choice in allies might have been questionable at best, but goddamn if they couldn't choose a damn good location for their nation's capital. With only five possible ways in and nothing but flat desert for miles around in most directions, the only means possible to assault the city would be via Kohza's course of action: an out-and-out charge and invasion.

Still, if we ourselves wanted any chance of getting in and stopping the two legitimate armies from clashing, first we needed to make our way past the five-man army that was guarding all the western entrances.

"Alright…" I muttered to myself as I slowly raised my hand. "Here we go… ready… set…" I chopped my hand down. "GO!"

And with that, six of the seven Supersonic Ducks shot out around the bluff and bolted towards the cliffs of Alubarna. The ducks managed to cross a few hundred feet of sand before the sound of cannonfire started to ring out and they were forced to dodge and weave around the patches of sand exploding around them.

A bit after that, the ducks started to split up. First, Sanji and Chopper split off and bolted towards the south, drawing the Mr. 4 team along behind them. Second, Usopp fired an explosive shot off at Mr. 1, distracting him long enough for Zoro and Nami to pelt up the steps of the West Gate, while Usopp's own duck ran down Mr. 2 and led Eyelashes through the South-West Gate.

I kept watch a moment longer before walking away from the rock face and hauling myself onto Carue's back, seating myself behind Vivi. "Coast's clear. Ready to give the speech of your life while trying to duck assassination attempts from plants in both your side and theirs?"

Vivi cast an uneasy look over her shoulder at me. "Are we doomed if I say no?"

"More like sane, in my books…" I muttered before clapping her on the shoulder. "Well, this rebellion won't end itself. Or rather, it will, but not in a way we like. Step on it, Carue!"

"Wight!" the duck squawked in agreement, kicking up a storm as he broke for the stretch of sand between Alubarna and the rebels.

Within minutes, we were firmly situated between the southernmost gate of Alubarna and the army of righteous fury and justice that was basically the horizon and barrelling down on us.

"Their arrows will blot out the sun…" Soundbite muttered nervously.

I blew out a nervous breath as I clenched and unclenched my fist. "Then we will fight in the shade…" I muttered back.

Vivi started to slide off of Carue, but I quickly put an end to that by grabbing her cloak. "Hey hey hey, where the heck do you think you're going!?"

The princess shot a bewildered look at me. "Getting off so that you two and Carue can get away in case anything goes wrong!"

"And leave you to get turned into royal paste if these guys don't stop? Yeah, pull the other one!" I scoffed.

"They'll stop once I speak with them! And besides, Soundbite will give me at least a mile of leeway once they're in range!" Vivi shot back.

"You don't trust me?" Soundbite whimpered, accompanied by a dose of puppydog eyes.

"Not on your life, but that's beside the point," I deadpanned. "Here's what I'm concerned about: when was the last time either of you saw any of our plans work perfectly without something going wrong in some way, shape, or form?"

"Ah…" Soundbite trailed off uncomfortably, he and Vivi trading unsure glances.

Vivi chewed her lip nervously. "Still…"

"Damn it, woman, I am trying to keep some form of redundancy in play here! Will you please lay off the martyr complex for ten freaking seconds!?" I finally burst out.

"A-A-Aye agwee with Cwoss!" Carue stammered out, visibly gritting his beak as he tried to steel his nerves. "Y-you'we my fwiend, Vivi, and I won't leave you no mattah what!"

"Oh yeah, good point!" I snapped my fingers in realization. "Carue and the rest of the Squad are an official part of the Alabastan military. You want to look official and really draw their attention, you'll stay on Carue so that we can get the hell out of dodge in case anything goes wrong. Got it?"

Vivi held up her glare for a moment longer before sighing and pinching the bridge of her nose. "Yes, Igaram…" she ground out in exasperation before glancing at Soundbite. "Is Kohza in range yet?"

"EHHH…" Soundbite angled his head uncertainly. "They're on the edge of my hearing, should be in range OF MY VOICE ANY SECOND!"

"Remember, Kohza's the one in the lead on the horse. Keep it to him and him only, if the plants pick up that things are going wrong too soon, they'll try and send things straight to hell," I told him, twisting myself around in Carue's saddle as I tried to examine the cannons lining the city's border. Hopefully, I'd be able to notice if any of them started to get trigger happy before we got turned into a fine red mist.

"YEAH, YEAH, I GOT IT…" Soundbite mumbled, more to himself than us. "Almost… almost… al—huh?" Soundbite cut himself off, glancing around in confusion, before suddenly snapping back into his shell and loosing a myriad of alarm bells and sirens.

"Wha—Soundbite!?" Vivi looked back at us in confusion. "What are you doing, what's wrong with him!?"

"I-I don't know!" I shook my head hastily as I tried to quiet the Baby Transponder Snail. "Soundbite, what's wrong!?"

"DEATH FROM ABOVE!" Soundbite screamed at the top of his lungs. "DEATH FROM ABO—!"

SLASH!

"AAAAAGH!"

"GAGH!" I choked as my shoulder exploded into pain, gripping it desperately as I felt blood flowing freely from my torn flesh. Carue barely managed to keep me from falling off of his back as I writhed from the sudden injury. "SON OF A BITCH!"

"CROSS!" Vivi exclaimed as she hastily tried to steady our ride. "Cross, are you al—!?"

"ARE YOU SERIOUSLY ASKING ME THAT!?"

"T-then what just happened!?" Vivi gave my shredded shoulder one look before her eyes snapped open in realization. "AND WHERE THE HELL IS SOUNDBITE!?"

"WHAT!?" I snapped my eyes to my shoulder. As she said, Soundbite was completely gone, and all that was left in his place was a parallel set of jagged… slash… marks oh son of a bitch.

I twisted around as much as I could and managed to confirm my theory as I caught sight of an all-too-familiar pair of figures barreling towards Alubarna. "YOU FUCKING FURRY JACKASSES!" I screamed furiously.

"The Unluckies!?" Vivi gasped in horror. "But I thought you said you saw them get eaten by dinosaurs!"

"I saw them getting chased by dinosaurs, I thought that would be more than enough to keep those bastards occupied!" I sputtered indignantly, fighting to concentrate more on my rage than my agony. "Clearly, I was wrong!"

"No shit, Sherwock!" Carue sputtered, eyeing the approaching army nervously. "What da hell do we do now!?"

"Uh… I-I can still try talking with Kohza…?" Vivi tried.

I made to respond as I tried to keep track of the Unluckies… before promptly hissing in panic as I saw one of the cannons starting to move. "Oh, we are way beyond the point of talking now."

"Huh? What are you—!?"

BOOM!

"INCOMING AT TWELVE-O-FUCKING-CLOCK, MOVE!" I bellowed, ramming my heels into Carue's side.

"ON I—ACK!" the Supersonic Duck started to say before resorting to quacking as Soundbite was brought out of range, pelting forwards from a dead halt. Just in the nick of time, too, because a second later, the sand where we'd been erupted.

"T-the Royal Army!?" Vivi demanded incredulously.

"Try Crocodile's anonymous donations to their ranks!" I spat, wincing as my wound shook viciously. God damn it this stung like balls! "Damn it, this just blew up in our faces. Carue, one-eighty, now! We're making a break for Alubarna!"

"What!? NO! Cross—!" Vivi started.

"Damn it, Vivi, listen to them!" I jabbed a finger at the too-fast approaching army that was now roaring furiously. "That blast just set them over the edge, they won't hear anything you say to them! We tried diplomacy, and I'm sorry it didn't work, but it's over! The best we can do is fall back and try and salvage as much as we can!"

"But, I…" Vivi cast a desperate gaze at the army. "They… my citizens… my friends…"

"And you're their ruler and the only person who can stop this before they all kill themselves!" I shot back, gesturing frantically at the still oncoming horde—and the distressingly visible weapons they were brandishing. "For God's sake, please listen to me and learn this one lesson: knowing when to cut your losses and run!"

Vivi stared miserably at the rebels for a moment longer. Finally, she bit her lip and tugged on Carue's reigns. "Full speed back to Alubarna, Carue, now!"

"QUA-ACK!" Carue squawked in agreement, twisting around and tearing towards the South Gate.

The run wasn't safe, by any measure of the word. The Baroque Works agents had decided to abandon any and all semblance of subtlety in favor of simply firing as fast as they could in our general direction, blowing dune after dune into nothing as they tried to wipe us out. Luckily enough, I could spy uniformed men who I presumed were legitimate soldiers fighting to subdue the plants and regain control of their artillery.

Un-luckily, there was someone else coming at us now, and his face was both inviting and distressing.

"Hey, guys!" Usopp called out, waving his hand as he galloped towards us on a horse. "I managed to lose Mr. 2! Now, let's go get Crocodile and save this kingdom!"

I tilted my head slightly in an effort to get a better view of the ludicrous sight before me. "Is he serious?" I asked, more to myself then Vivi.

"Wow, I can't believe Usopp actually managed to beat him!" Vivi exclaimed, grinning euphorically.

I shot an incredulous look at the princess before shooting a flat look over her shoulder at the approaching 'sniper'. "Right, I'm bringing this crazy train to a halt…" I muttered before raising my voice to a shout. "HEY 'USOPP', EMPORIO IVANKOV IS AN OVERRATED HACK!"

"THAT'S A BARE-FACED LIE!" 'Usopp' shrieked in a voice that wasn't his own before pausing with a stricken look. "Ah—I—T-that is to say—oh, forget it!" Bon Clay snarled, slapping his left hand to his face and reverting to his original form as he struck a ready faux-kung-fu pose on his mount's back. "PREPARE TO MEET YOUR MAKER YOU BLASPHEMOUS—!"

"QUA-A-A-ACK!" Carue more roared than squawked, pumping his legs in order to leap clean over the horse's head and slam his talons into Mr. 2's center mass, taking the okama off his steed as a result and stomping him into the sand. He finished by giving a final leap off of Bon Clay's body before resuming his charge for Alubarna.

Vivi and I were… awed, to say the least.

"C-Carue…" Vivi stammered incredulously. "That-that was amazing!"

"Hell, yeah!" I concurred. "A full degree more badass than what you did in the story at this point, and that was full-on military commando badass already!" My face fell as the details on who, exactly, we were dealing with penetrated through the euphoria. "Too bad it won't keep him down for long. We need to double-time it into the city!"

"Cross, Carue just hit Mr. 2 while going several miles an hour! He couldn't possibly—!"

"ENOUGH JOKING AROUND!" a way too feminine voice roared from behind us. "THAT IS THE SECOND TIME TODAY THAT I HAVE BEEN RUN DOWN BY AN OVERGROWN WATERFOWL IN A DESERT! PREPARE TO BECOME FOIE GRAS, YOU INELEGANT BIRD!"

"You were saying?" I snarked.

"Go-go-go-go!" Vivi urged Carue desperately, ramming her heels into his side.

"WAAACK!" Carue screamed, flailing his wings desperately as he tried to stay ahead of Mr. 2.

Within moments, Carue managed to reach the stairs and dash up them at top speed, the traction the stonework granted him allowing him to practically double his speed.

And a good thing, too, because when I risked a glance behind us I could see Mr. 2 keeping pace, twirling after us at nigh transonic speeds and belting out a way mispronounced rendition of 'un, deux, trois.' I don't know what was more painful, his physique or his French.

Once we reached the top, the soldiers hastily cleared out just enough of their blockade for us to get through. Unfortunately, one of the soldiers was just a bit too slow in moving, or perhaps a bit too fast, as without warning a musket fell down in Carue's path. The duck tried to dodge the obstacle, but in the end there was nothing he could do. The rod of wood and metal got tangled up in his legs and down he went, inadvertently bucking us off and sending Vivi and I tumbling to the ground.

"Ooooww…" I moaned, pushing myself off the ground and rubbing my shoulder. "Son of a… damn that wasn't fu—GAH! SON OF A BITCH!" I yelped miserably as my shoulder flared up. "GOD DAMN IT, SAND! SAND IN MY OPEN WOUND! GODDAMN COBRA-SNIFFING TAR-SUCKING FIRE-LICKING—GAGH!" My agonized tirade was cut off by a firm foot stomping down on my head and forcing my face into the dirt.

"My, my, what a mouth you have on you, dear," Mr. 2 drawled, sickly sweet. "Didn't your mother teach you any better?"

"Momma taught me how to smack a bitch…" I ground out viciously.

"Flattery will get you nowhere, boy," the okama sniffed before raising his leg up high. "Now, then, say good night, you damn—!"

"HOWLING FANG!"

"GACK!" Mr. 2 shrieked in pain as a blur of black fur rammed into him from out of nowhere and knocked him off me.

The blur promptly reshaped itself into a halfway-transformed Chaka, who spent a moment glaring viciously at Mr. 2 before glancing down at me. "Seeing how you were riding Carue as well, I'm guessing that you're one of the pirates Vivi mentioned in her letter?"

"Yes, I am, and I'm not just saying that because saying no means you'll rip my throat out," I deadpanned.

"Good. You have my thanks for protecting the Princess, and—"

"HEY! IF YOU THINK THAT I'M DONE YET, THEN YOU ARE SORELY MISTAKEN, BUSTER!"

I tensed in panic as once again Mr. 2's voice rang out, this time coming from where he was balancing on the very edge of the South Gate's stairs.

"A fine, upstanding okama such as I will not be taken down by a worthless mutt such as you!" he sniffed before grinning sadistically. "Now, come! Prepare to face the fury of my 'Oh Come My Way' Ken—!"

THWACK!

"GACK, GRK!" Mr. 2 doubled over and clutched his throat in pain, nothing but a series of wet gurgles coming out of his mouth.

"For the record, that was for the pain you no doubt put Usopp through when you stole his face," Vivi stated as she shook her hand out. "This is for trying to topple my kingdom." And with that, she reeled back and slugged him clean in the middle of his ugly mug.

"ACK!" Mr. 2 yelped as he clutched his (hopefully) fractured nose.

"And this is for your horrible outfit, on behalf of women everywhere."

SLAM!

"Ooooh…" Chaka, Carue and I winced in sympathy.

Mr. 2 whimpered pathetically as he locked his knees together before tilting backwards and plummeting down the steps. There was a sound not unlike that of a rubber ball hitting the ground, followed by a shouted "Ow!".

Frowning, I inched my way up to the top of the stairs, and watched Mr. 2 bounce repeatedly down them, each impact with the stone steps eliciting another yelped exclamation from the okama. This repeated several times before he belly-flopped onto the sand.

"Huh, the cartoons actually got that right," I mused. Looking up from Mr. 2's prone form, I took a step back in nervous fear as I saw that the rebel army was getting awfully close. "Okay, time to go, I think. When he gets up, he is going to be pissed."

"Excuse me!?" Chaka started in shock.

"Cross, you cannot be serious!" Vivi demanded. "I mean, if he were a Zoan, I'd understand, but—!"

"In the original story, he took kicks to the face from Sanji—repeatedly, I might add!—and kept fighting," I stated flatly. "Hell, he got Sanji on the damn ropes, even before he started using Nami's body!"

Vivi's face turned an ashen gray as she glanced down the stairs before looking back at me with an expression of severe panic. "We run?"

"We run," I agreed, furtively glancing around. "The only question is, where to? The bomb's already taken care of, so—!" I choked as I noticed Chaka tensing up before flinging an incredulous look at Vivi. "You didn't tell them about the damn bomb!?"

"What!? No, I did, of course I did!" Vivi protested before shooting an incredulous look at her family's protector. "Chaka!?"

"W-we tried to storm the clocktower as you ordered, but somehow the pair you warned us about already knew we were coming!" Chaka hastily explained. "By the time we arrived, they'd somehow managed to amass a small army and entrench themselves! We've spent the past forty-eight hours trying to dig them out, but to no avail."

Vivi and I stared at him in shock. "So… what you're telling me is that the bomb with the multi-kiloton payload is still in play!?"

"Not by choice!" the canine Zoan shot back. "We've tried getting in every which way we can imagine, but their position is too well-fortified! And to make matters worse—!"

"Whenever someone shows their head in view of the tower, they get gunned down from out of nowhere," Vivi finished as she pinched the bridge of her nose. "The Mr. 7 team, damn it…"

"Qua-lways thought they wooked stu—huh!?" Carue cut himself off mid-sentence as he realized that he was talking, drawing all of our attention as well.

"What the—?" Chaka started, but I interrupted him.

"SOUNDBITE! Can you hear me!?" I yelled out at the top of my lungs.

"YES!" a medley of voices warbled out from nowhere. "The furry FUCKERS STUFFED ME in my shell AND ARE wheeling around above the buildings! I'D GET out on my own, BUT I'm in THE FEATHER-RAT'S claws! IF I DROP THEM—!"

"You get dropped and go splat, right…" I groaned acridly as I massaged my temple. Damn it damn it damn it, this was going straight to hell. I wracked my mind furiously as I tried to come up with a plan. Finally, I was able to put together what I seriously hoped was a semi-passable plan. "Alright… alright, you hang tight—no pun intended—and make sure that they don't realize that you're not silenced while you're in your shell. I'll try and come and get you. Just… just be patient, alright?"

There was a moment of silence before Soundbite's voice drawled out. "I'm a SNAIL. My max speed IS AN inch an HOUR. PATIENCE IS PRACTICALLY MY SPECIES' FUCKING VIR—!" The tirade suddenly cut off without warning. I looked back at an exasperated Vivi and Carue and the sweatdropping jackal-man.

"The pests must have flown out of range," I explained with a sigh. "Hopefully Soundbite will be able to lead me to them when they circle back around, but for now, let's plan out our next moves.

"First, what are you thinking right now, Vivi?" I asked, noticing the thoughtful look she'd adopted.

"I was thinking that something really shocking to both sides might stall the two armies enough for me to be able to defuse this whole mess without Soundbite's help," Vivi explained. "If nothing else, I'd be able to get them farther away from the bomb. The bomb is actually what made me think of—"

"Don't bother, he's already waiting for you," I said, waving my hand dismissively. "For all I know, blowing up the palace might work, but the second you set the charges, the sand bastard will blow in. And until Pell gets here, we don't have any way of beating him."

"Wait, Pell?" Chaka interjected. "Pell's just a Zoan like me, if an admirably skilled one! How can he possibly beat a Logia like Crocodile?"

"He can't," I replied, shaking my head solemnly before sticking up a finger. "But the passenger he's bringing along sure as hell can. It'll take some work, but…" I grinned viciously. "Trust me, Luffy will beat Crocodile. It'll take a lot of work, but Alabasta will not fall today."

A glimmer appeared in Vivi's eyes for a moment, but in the next it was replaced with the cold steel of command that was starting to become familiar. "Alright, then, in that case, I have a different idea." She shot a questioning look at Chaka. "The Baroque Works agents in the clocktower, did they leave one flank deliberately unprotected, but cover it in boobytraps?"

Chaka recoiled in shock. "How did you—!? Uh, yes, but how does that matter?"

Vivi grinned confidently as her suspicions were confirmed. "It means that Baroque Works either hasn't had the time or the inclination to change its playbook since I left its ranks. And that means that I know exactly how to get you and your men past the Mr. 7 team and into the tower to stop the bomb." Her grin faltered a bit as she looked at me. "Any reason why that wouldn't work?"

Chaka obviously didn't think so. "Wha—Princess Vivi! Such a course of action would be beyond reckless! I cannot, in good conscience—!" The Zoan cut himself off as Vivi pinned him with a frigid glare, maintaining her gaze until he fully backed down. "A-as you say, Princess…" He mumbled something incoherent under his breath, though I'm fairly certain the phrase 'third trimester all over again' was somewhere in there.

I took a moment to chuckle at the sight of the loyal hound being brought to heel before nodding in agreement. "Yeah, that should work. Once those two are out of the way, Pell should be clear to carry the bomb out of blast range. Straight up would be advisable, just in case any of the Rebels get the bright idea to gun down one of the Royal Guardians of Alabasta."

Vivi frowned in confusion. "Wait, carry it? The Mr. 7 team is shooting it from the clock tower, right? That's the only thing that makes sense to make them think they won't be caught in the blast, plus they're the best snipers in Baroque Works. If they don't shoot the bomb, then they'll—"

"Qua-to smithaweens?" Carue asked, before blinking in realization. "Huh, Soundbite must be close again. Anyways, as I wath thaying, do you weally think Cwocodile cares even a bit aboud his subowdinates?"

"Give the duck a prize," I nodded sagely. "Crocodile always has a backup plan, and this one takes the form of a timer hooked to the bomb. It's set to go off at, ah…" I racked my brain, trying to remember what Crocodile had said. "4:30! Yeah, 4:30. Anyway, even if you have any bomb technicians available, chances are that there isn't any means of safely disarming the damn thing. It's going off no matter what, but at least Pell can carry it out far enough that Alubarna won't be within the blast radius. With any luck, he'll be able to time it so that he can dive fast enough to escape the blast."

The princess bit her lip uncomfortably. "But if he isn't…"

"Then he'll still be fine," I patiently reassured her. "After all, Zoans are stupid tough. Besides, he did it before, and that was after getting gunned down by Miss Father's Day. Trust me, Princess, if there's one thing you learn from watching the Strawhat Pirates in action, it's that you would be shocked, shocked at what a person can live through."

"Would you mind explaining how you know all of this?" Chaka asked, apparently after a struggle to find his voice. He then tensed and whipped his hand to his side. "Did you eat the Glare-Glare Fruit?" he demanded tersely.

I hastily raised my hands in surrender. "Don't worry… General?" I glanced at Vivi, who nodded in confirmation. "General. The Glare-Glare Fruit remains in the possession of the user you're no doubt thinking of, safe and sound and incapable of peering through time. I am impressed by your logical extrapolation of Devil Fruit powers, though, it's rare to meet someone quite so perceptive!"

Chaka shot an uncertain glance at Vivi.

"He told me how he knows so much before we arrived in Alabasta, Chaka, and I saw him swimming earlier this morning," she confirmed. With that, Chaka relaxed, and looked back at me.

"I'll worry about how you know all of this when the war is over, then. For now, anything else to tell me?"

I frowned in thought, glancing out at the approaching Rebel Army. Still a few minutes out, good. I'd need as much leeway as I could get to reach Soundbite.

"Let's see…" I tapped my chin contemplatively before snapping my fingers in realization. "At a guess, you've already arrested the jackasses who tried to use the cannons to blow us to kingdom come, right?"

Chaka scowled darkly, but nodded nonetheless. "Yes, we did. I don't know what the hell they were thinking, firing before the Rebel Army was in range, much less at someone riding a member of the Supersonic Duck Squadron, but—!"

"Mind if I see one of them real quick?" I interrupted. "There's something about them you need to see."

Chaka gave me another uncertain look, but a nod from Vivi had him barking—ha!—orders to his soldiers. Within seconds, two white-robed guards hauled a struggling and restrained third before us.

The prisoner stiffened as he caught sight of us before plastering a wide and toothy grin on his face. "G-General, sir! C-come on, isn't this a bit much? I just had a bit of heat-stroke is all! Why else would I fire at someone riding one of the Supersonic—?"

In lieu of a verbal response, I strode up to the man, grabbed his sleeves and yanked, tearing them clean off. There, clear as day and branded on the man's right bicep, was the grinning skull-and-cross-blades of Baroque Works.

Both the man and I were silent as we stared at the exposed tattoo before I deigned to address him. "I dread to ask, but what the hell made you think it would be a good idea to tattoo yourself with that logo of all things? Isn't Baroque Works supposed to be the cloakiest of 'cloak-and-dagger' organizations?"

The man hung his head with a defeated groan. "A combo of a lot of alcohol, a lot of boredom, and the fact that no one is supposed to know that Baroque Works exists in the first place." He looked up with a hopeful grin. "I don't suppose that if I were to say 'state's evidence'—?"

"Even if there was a way for us to determine whether or not you were lying through your teeth, that ship has long since sailed, dumbass," I deadpanned.

The man's expression promptly twisted into an ugly scowl. "Well, in that case, fuck you, fuck this kingdom, and fuck that bitch whore of a trai—!"

THWACK!

I tsked as I tapped my baton in my palm, pinning a stinkeye on the thoroughly concussed grunt. "Forget Thugs-R-Us, Crocodile scooped this bastard out of a literal roach motel…" I turned back around to address my comrades. "Anyways, you get the gist: if you see anyone with that symbol on their person, don't wait, don't hesitate, just take them down. Doesn't matter if they're Royal Army or Rebel Army, they'll be in both and their sole goal is to aggravate the conflict. Every second one of them walks around free is another person dead. Got it?"

Chaka nodded, then stiffened as a thought struck him and looked at the two other guards. "Remove your sleeves."

The two guards duly did so, tearing their robes with no concern for neatness in the tears. Chaka, for his part, shrugged off the green cloak he was wearing, and then removed the sleeves of his tunic. All present relaxed as they saw no Baroque Works emblems.

"Alright," Chaka nodded firmly. "You two split up and start inspecting the men on the walls. Clear the cannons first, then—!"

SLASH!

"Grgk!" one of the two men gurgled miserably as he fell to his knees, slumping over into unconsciousness and bleeding from the neck.

Chaka, Carue and the remaining soldier and I stared at him in shock before turning our stunned gazes over to Vivi, who was rolling up her Peacock String Slasher. "Look at his neck," she growled acridly.

A slight shift of the man's hood revealed the presence of yet another tattoo.

"Good catch…" I weakly stated.

"This is going to be a nightmare," Chaka scowled tiredly.

"More than it already is?" Vivi deadpanned as she glanced back at the ever-approaching army, not waiting for an answer before mounting Carue. "Come on, we need to inspect the troops and assemble a reliable strike force. Cross, good luck with Soundbite. I hope you get him back, he's our best shot at talking the rebels down… and a good friend besides."

I started to nod before another thought came to me. "Oh, one last thing! You have an elite unit, right? The… um, the claw…?"

"The Kicking Claw Force?" Chaka swiftly answered. "Don't tell me that one of them—!"

"No no, not at all!" I hastily reassured him. "They're loyal to the crown, completely and utterly! Maybe even a bit too much, to be honest. Keep a close eye on them; if they get it into their heads that sacrificing their lives will help save this kingdom, they won't hesitate to do it."

Chaka considered the information for a moment before nodding. "Understood. Thank you very much, Cross, both for this information, and for protecting Vivi."

I grinned back at the man. "Not even half a problem. Now, let's get started on saving Alabasta from burning to the ground! Who's with me!?" I shot my fist into the air—!

Aaaaand promptly froze as my shoulder voiced its displeasure. With a vengeance.

"… Right after I get this open wound bound up. Medic?"

-o-

One quick patch-job later, we'd all split up, Vivi heading to the clock tower at the head of a Royal Army strike force while I found myself deeper within Alubarna, just barely poking my nose around the corner of one of the many sandstone walls that made up most of the city's architecture.

"Alright, Soundbite, you sure this'll work?" I hissed to the air.

"IT'S YOUR damn PLAN!"

"And I don't suppose that there's any chance you could talk me out of it, is there?" I retorted half-nervously.

"Just get ready! THEY'RE COMING."

"Right, right…" I nodded, my entire body slowly tensing in anticipation as I clenched and unclenched the grip I had on my baton. "OK, I'm ready. Say when, then amp."

"Roger roger."

I swallowed heavily as the seconds crawled by, only half of the copious amount of sweat coating my skin the result of the sun's heat. It had taken some time to work out a viable strategy with which to confront the Unluckies, but in the end, we'd managed to come up with something.

We got the idea from Avatar. The basic gist of it was that when you were the king of the skies…

"NOW!"

I darted out from around the corner and ran at the edge of my footing as fast as I could, accumulating as much speed as I could get. As I ran, I sucked in a deep breath and shouted, my voice getting amplified by Soundbite so that it came from everywhere at once. "HEY, YOU! FURRY JACKASSES!"

The moment I hit the edge, I took a brief moment to confirm the Unluckies' position...

…why would you ever bother to look up?

Before launching myself off the three-story rooftop at them.

"GIVE ME BACK MY GODDAMN SNAIL!"