Chapter 13 - Drum Island Pt 1

"Doctor," Sanji started politely. "Would you mind giving us some privacy please? It's important."

Ignoring the desperate looks I was shooting her, Kureha sniffed at Sanji before taking a pull from the bottle she was carrying and standing up. "Cocky young bastard, ordering around a young damsel like me in my own damn home... fine, I'll leave you alone."

Sanji opened his mouth... and was promptly forced to bite back a howl of pain as she jabbed a bony digit into his spine.

"For ten minutes," she intoned menacingly. "After that, you're going back in bed, whether you like it or not. Understood?" If Kureha's menacing grin was anything to go by, then she took his whimper of both pain and terror as a sign of consent. "Glad to hear it. Have fun, you two."

And with that, she was gone.

Once the door closed behind the menacing doctor, Sanji and I lapsed into an uncomfortable silence. I was staring at my sheets, whereas Sanji was just staring at me. Clearly, neither of us really knew what to say.

But I knew I had to ask something. I had to know just how deep a grave I'd just dug.

"How much...?" I croaked out weakly.

"We asked around Bighorn like you suggested," Sanji promptly interrupted me. "I'm not sure who was more surprised: Luffy at finding out that his brother is waiting for him in Alabasta, or us at finding out that Luffy had brothers, period."

I scrunched my eyes shut with a weak laugh. "Brothers. Plural. God damn it... Everything. I told you practically goddamn everything and you all heard it. Hell!" I barked out a derisive laugh as I flung my hands up in frustration. "It's probably going to be easier to list what I didn't blurt out than what I did!"

"In your defense," Sanji sighed heavily as he lit a cigarette. "You were pretty damn vague. You dropped a few names, described a few places, things like that. Though..." Sanji sighed heavily as he huffed in a lungful of smoke. "What you said was... revealing, if nothing else. When you talked about Kohza and Cobra, we almost thought you were Baroque Works. But then..." The cook shook his head flatly. "Nojiko, Coby, Patty and Carne, Kuina... that last one, none of us knew, period." He shot a half-hearted grin at me. "Seriously, you should have seen how pale mosshead got. I owe you for that alone."

I, on the other hand, resorted to a simple grimace. "Yeah, I... I can imagine..." I blew a heavy breath through my nose as I massaged my face miserably. "Look, let's... I imagine you have a lot of questions for me, so... go ahead." I waved my hand at him aimlessly. "Let me have it."

Sanji contemplated things for a moment before nodding gravely. "Cross, it is very important you tell me everything you can about one person," he informed me grimly.

I swallowed heavily and slowly nodded. "I should have figured... who is it? Blackbeard? Akainu? Someone in CP9?" I winced as a thought struck me. "If it's Doflamingo, then believe me, man, we need to be careful. I don't even want to contemplate how many ears that bastard has..."

"No, none of those. This is more important than any of them," Sanji sighed. Face serious as a nuclear winter, he slowly walked over to me. I flinched as he dropped his hands on my shoulders and forced me to face him.

"I need you to tell me... about Princess Shirahoshi."

...wait, what?

"Wait, what!?" I sputtered in disbelief.

"You heard me! Tell me about the Mermaid Princess!" And just like that, Sanji was caught up in a full-blown Category 5 Love Hurricane, swirling about the room with hearts in his eyes. "The most beautiful creature beneath the seas, an exquisite example of the feminine form, truly Aphrodite incarnate! You have to tell me all about her, I beg of you, I'll do whatever I have to! Just tell me about her!"

I couldn't help but gape at the display in shock, my mind desperately trying to keep up with what my eyes were telling me.

"WOW..." Soundbite whistled in dull shock.

"Uh... okay..." I hesitated for a moment before speaking. "I'll start by telling you that there are three obstacles in the way of you being able to act as her knight in shining love. First? She's twenty thousand feet below the sea."

"Twenty thousand or a hundred, it matters not!" Sanji swooned. "I will traverse through hell itself to lay eyes upon such a beauty!"

"Riiiight... second, she's constantly locked up in the tower that acts as her room because of how she's being stalked by a local crimelord with a damn dangerous Devil Fruit ability."

"I will beat that blackguard within an inch of his life!" the love cook roared, his mood abruptly switching from sickeningly saccharine to burning hot fury. "Even if I have to fight through an army of such villains, my love will endure!"

My eye twitched at the display. "Alright then... and now for the clincher: she's underage."

Sanji froze, mid-pirouette. "W-what?" he whimpered miserably.

"Yup," I nodded, unable to keep a shit-eating grin off my face at his expression. "She's currently six- ah, no wait. We'll meet her in about two years, she'll be sixteen then. Right now, she should be... what, fourteen? Fifteen? Eesh, that just make it worse… Van der Decken is a creepy bastard, but then again I already knew that."

Sanji stood frozen for a few moments... before falling to his knees and howling, letting out a noise that wouldn't be out of place coming from most wounded animals. "WHHHYYYYY!? CURSE YOU, FATHER TIME! CUUUURSE YOOOOUUUU!"

Soundbite cocked an eyestalk with a decidedly unimpressed expression. "Seriously?"

"Pfff..."

"Huh?" Soundbite swiveled his eyes to peer at me questioningly.

I couldn't respond. I was too busy hunching over with my hands clamped over my mouth in order to try and contain myself. "Pfff... pfff..."

But in the end, I just couldn't do it.

PFFFFFHAHAHAHAHAHA!" I burst out, flinging myself back on my bed and covering my eyes with my hands as I howled with laughter. "O-O-OH MY GOOOD, YOUR FA-A-ACE! HAHAHAHA!"

Soundbite adopted an even less impressed look, although he was sporting a small smile of his own. "Seriously?"

Sanji huffed aggravatedly for a moment before pulling himself together and straightening his clothes out. "I'm so glad my agony is amusing to you, Cross..." he grumbled darkly.

The only response I could muster was a few humorous, if pained, wheezes. My body ached as it shook with mirth, my ribs burned, tears streamed out from under my fingers... but those had nothing to do with the pain.

"T-thanks for that, Sanji..." I managed to bite out as I wiped my eyes. "That... that meant a lot to me."

"Hmph..." Sanji puffed on his cigarette for a moment before smiling slowly. "Anytime, Cross." But as quickly as the smile appeared, it was replaced with a serious expression. "But this isn't the end of things, you know. You are going to have to explain how you know so much."

That got a wince out of me as I raised a hand. "Look, Sanji..."

"Cross," Sanji said firmly, cutting off my objection. "We had to deal with you literally shitting the bed for two days. You owe us an explanation just for that."

"And you'll get it!" I hastily reassured him. "I'll explain... as much as I can, I swear! It's..." I looked away sheepishly. "It's not like I can hold anything back now and still call myself a Straw Hat, you know? Just... just give me some time, alright? I'll explain everything to everyone once we're all on the Merry. I'd... rather not tell it twice if I don't have to."

Sanji contemplated my words for a moment before nodding slowly. "Alright then... fair enough. But you will tell us everything, right?"

I shrugged with a sheepish grin. "Or at least as much as I can. I... think that Luffy would object to me spilling anything else."

"What, our captain has other secrets?" the cook said, his eyebrow cocked in disbelief.

"Hell no," I snorted. "Sabo and Ace were the only ones he's kept, or at least, the only ones I'm aware of, at any rate. No, Luffy just... doesn't like spoilers, you know?" I couldn't help but chuckle fondly. "He's keen on reaching our destination, sure, but that doesn't mean he wants to know every inch of the journey ahead of time. Get my drift?"

Sanji mulled the statement over for a moment before nodding in agreement. "Yeah... yeah, I understand. Alright, I'll wait until we get out of here. For now, though..." He swallowed with a grimace. "I'm going to get back in bed. I don't want to contemplate what the witch will do to me if she catches up with me right now... Still, I'll check on Luffy. See if he'll want to come and visit you." And with that, he turned around and started to leave.

"YEAH, YOU'D BETTER RUN!" Soundbite snickered at his back.

"Ah-! Sanji, wait!" I hastily called out as a thought struck me.

"Hm?" the cook hummed as he glanced back at me.

I hesitated for a moment before asking what was on my mind. "The... the others... the rest of the crew... are they... angry at me or...?"

Sanji contemplated my question for a moment before blowing out a small cloud. "Zoro was grumbling something about you being a hypocrite," I couldn't help but wince self-consciously. "And everyone else is somewhat curious about what you know, but other than that..." He shrugged helplessly. "They were all worried about you, Cross. I don't know what else you want me to say."

I allowed a small smile to cross my face as I lay back in bed. "Nothing. That's... that's enough. Thanks, Sanji."

The cook nodded slowly in agreement. "Yeah... get well, Cross."

And with that, he left.

I lay back in bed for a moment before glancing up at Soundbite. "Alright... time for a damage check. Start by listing all the names I gave."

A half hour later I was slumped back in bed, just a little overwhelmed by how much I'd managed to spill. No exact details, thankfully, and I'd managed to keep mum on a surprising amount of fighting capabilities, but other than that? I'd shared at least half of our future destinations, named a goodly number of future enemies, and blurted more than enough past friends and family members to make things just flat out weird.

"Oy vey..." I groaned morosely. "Is that the end of it?"

"THAT'S JUST the names we recognized," Soundbite replied, shaking his head.

I eyed the snail warily. "What do you mean by 'recognized'?"

Soundbite tilted his head to the side. "That thing I ate that LETS ME HEAR SO MUCH. THAT WAS an iPhone, RIGHT?"

I slapped a hand to my face with a groan. "Son of a- how much?"

"Everything from computers TO PLANES AND trains."

"Newsflash, there are already trains here."

"MAG-lev TRAINS?"

"Fair point..."

"ALSO, who's Eiichiro Oda?"

"Uhh..."

"OR IS IT Goda? You used both."

I started rythmically thumping the back of my skull against the headboard. "For the love of... whenever I mentioned One Piece, did I ever occasionally mention anything about 'volumes'?"

Soundbite shrugged helplessly. "SOMETHING about a collection MAYBE? YOU WEREN'T always clear."

"Yeeeaaah, that figures..." I groaned miserably. "Urgh... damn it, can things-?"

"AHE-hem!" Soundbite interrupted me firmly.

"Ah, thanks." I winced in embarrassment. "That was a close one. God knows that Murphy's active around here..."

"Too close FOR COMFORT!" Soundbite scoffed as he jerked his eyestalks to the side.

I blinked in confusion as I followed his line of sight... and noticed a squat figure covered in brown fur and sporting a blue nose standing in the middle of the doorway, trying to hide from me.

'Yeah, that figures.'

I blinked at the reindeer for a moment before adopting a flat look. "You do realize that your way of hiding is... so inefficient it hurts, right?"

"EEP!" Chopper squawked in shock before hastily flipping his position.

I cocked an eyebrow at that. "Yeeeaaah... A, I've already seen you, B, that position isn't really that good for spying even when done right, and C? The antlers... really aren't doing you any favors. Just FYI."

"HEEHEEHEEHAHAHA!" Soundbite squawked euphorically.

"S-SHUT UP, HUMAN!" Chopper barked out agitatedly. "ALSO, HOW ARE YOU FEELING, IS YOUR FEVER DOWN!?"

"Eh..." I rested my hand against the back of my head contemplatively. "I... think my temperature's a bit high? Not sure, though. Still, overall, I think I'm good..." Without warning, my stomach suddenly rumbled and churned, prompting me to curl up painfully. "Oooookay, apart from that! Do you know where the bathroom is or-?"

"Ah, hang on a minute!" Chopper hastily darted over to the bed and scrambled beneath it. "J-just hold it in long enough for me to change the pan! And also, make sure you're over the hole when you- well, you know!"

I blinked in confusion as I shifted around on the bed. "What ho-oh!" I blinked as I located the hole... then tensed furiously as I became aware of something else. "Okay, who the hell took my pants!?"

"That was me!" Chopper slid out from under the bed with one of his hooves clamped over his nose, while his other was holding a metal pan as far from his body as he could manage. "Sorry, but we didn't have much of a choice. Normal cholera alone includes diarrhea as a symptom, but Primal Cholera is... much more hostile. This is the third time I've had to replace your pan today! Oh, and by the way? You should eat more vegetables. I think you might be low on Vitamin A."

I cocked an eyebrow at the reindeer as I worked to wrangle my intestines. "You can tell that by smell alone?"

"Not by choice, I can tell you that much!" the young Zoan-type gagged as he set my filled pan down and dug a fresh one out of a nearby cabinet before sliding back under my bed. "Give me a second..." He hastily slid back out. "Okay, you're good to go."

And with that, I let loose with a sigh of relief. "Oooh thank you sweet merciful-AH!" I cut myself off with a wince as the burn came. "I take it back: screw you, God, screw you hard!"

Chopper winced at the... noises originating from me, but then gave a sigh of relief. "Well, at least you sound healthy enough. You should be good to go in a few days."

"Joy on earth..." I groaned miserably at my predicament for a moment before eyeing him contemplatively. "Sooo... what are you, exactly?" I barely managed to hide my grin at what I was about to say next. "Some kind of arctic jackalope?"

"I'M A REINDEER!" Chopper roared irately as he shoved his forelimbs up at me. "SEE!? HOOVES!"

I hastily raised my hands in surrender as I grinned sheepishly. "I see them, I see them. Sorry, that was my bad. Still... a reindeer that walks on two hooves, huh?" I winced internally at what I was about to say, but resigned myself to the fact that I had to do it anyways. "Guess that makes you something of a monster, huh?"

I nearly flinched at the wave of emotion that swept over Chopper. Rage, misery, disgust... honestly, the worst of all w\ould probably the sheer sense of resignation he seemed to have. Hopefully, what I had to say next would change all that.

"That's awesome!" I blurted out with a grin.

If Chopper's thunderstruck expression was anything to go by, that was not the response he was expecting. "Buh-wha-seriously!?"

I nodded eagerly as I continued to grin. "Heck yeah! Why wouldn't it be?"

"B-b-but, look at me!" Chopper stammered as he flailed his arm at himself. "I-I'm covered in fur! I walk on two hooves, I have antlers! M-My nose is blue!"

I blinked at his nose as though it were the first time I was seeing it. "Huh. Would you look at that? So it is."

"Doesn't any of that scare you, o-o-or disgust you o-or...?!" Chopper trailed off helplessly, obviously several miles out of his depth.

'Damn, he's really needed someone to say this to him...' I thought - legitimately thought, I damn well made sure my tongue stayed glued to the roof of my mouth - before shrugging indifferently at his display. "Why would I? It's pretty freaking obvious you've got a Zoan-type Devil Fruit, those things are always weird."

"Ah..." Chopper allowed himself to relax slightly. "It... it's really that obvious?"

"Yeah, totally. What do you have? No, wait!" I held my hand up swiftly. "Let me guess... one of the Horse-Horse or Ox-Ox Fruits? Stag Model or something along those lines?"

I winced at Chopper's stricken expression, the way the hope seemed to drain out of his face. "I... no, the opposite. I... I ate the Human-Human Fruit. I... I was originally a reindeer..." He flinched back instinctively, obviously waiting for a specific and all-too-familiar reaction.

A reaction I had absolutely no intention of providing. "Seriously?" I asked as I tilted my head inquiringly. "Damn, that's even cooler!"

"HUH!?" Chopper barked out in disbelief.

"Well yeah!" I said, shrugging. "I mean, come on! Ninety percent of all other Zoans? They're humans who can turn into animals. But an animal that can become human? That's gotta be damn rare, if not unique! Guess that makes you a really special monster, huh?"

Once again Chopper flinched, though thankfully this time it was less severe. "W-why... do you keep calling me-?"

"A monster?" I finished for him. "Easy: because monsters are really cool. Down and out awesome, no question about it."

Chopper's mouth flapped helplessly for a moment, but I powered on before he could respond.

"Because you see, what I said earlier about most other Zoans? Same basic concept: majority of the normal people on the Blue Seas are completely normal average joes, dime-a-dozen cookie-cutter humans, nothing weird about them. Hence, monsters like you who are abnormal and out of the ordinary? Well, in my opinion, they're pretty awesome, simple as that."

The little human-reindeer before me stared at me in complete and utter shock for a moment before swallowing heavily and turning around, pretending (badly at that) to busy himself with some nearby shelves. "A-and how do you know they're awesome, huh? Y-you've seen a lot of monsters or something?"

"Oh, yeah, sure!" I plastered a wild smile on my face as I grinned at him. Time to sell the dough. "You see a lot of cool monsters when you live a pirate's life!"

Chopper tensed furiously for a moment before fake-working even more frantically. "Y-y-you're a pirate? For real?"

I chuckled as I leaned back in my seat, crossing my arms beneath my head. "Eeyup! And so are my friends! Heck, the guy you treated for frostbitten fingertips is our captain! Ah, and just for the record!" I jabbed my finger into the air. "We're real pirates! Adventure-and-freedom lovers, not worthless raiding fakers like that Blackbeard bastard who attacked you guys!"

"W-wow, really? T-that's cool..." Chopper mumbled half-heartedly.

"Yeah, it is! And some of those monsters I mentioned? Three of them are in this castle at this very moment!"

"HUH!?" Chopper yelped as he swung around and stared at me, wide-eyed in shock. "Really!?"

"Heck yeah! Here's one right now!" I held up Soundbite for him to see. "Meet Soundbite. Oh, and my name's Jeremiah Cross, forgot to mention that. Anyways, if you would, little guy?"

"HELLO, HELLO, HELLO!" Soundbite sang acapella-style.

"See? See?" I gestured at him eagerly. "A snail capable of harmonizing with itself! That's nowhere near normal, I guaran-freaking-tee it!"

Chopper swallowed heavily as he eyed Soundbite, with no small amount of awe at that. "A-and the other two?"

I jerked my head towards the doorway. "My two crewmates you're treating. The blond guy's Sanji, our cook, and the guy with the straw hat which I pray you left on him is Straw Hat Luffy, our captain. They're both monsters in their own right."

"Monsters? But..." Chopper frowned in confusion. "They're... both human."

"Ah, well, you see..." I scratched the back of my head sheepishly. "There are many many many types of monsters in this world. Sanji? He's got a hell of a kick. And when I say hell, I mean he caved in a velociraptor - yes, a dinosaur's - chest... what, a week ago?" I glanced down at Soundbite, who nodded in confirmation. "Yeah, a week ago. And Luffy? Well, I'm guessing you weren't a part of treating him, because then you'd know that he's made of rubber thanks to a Devil Fruit of his own. And really, that's one of the least monstrous things about him."

"Wow..." Chopper breathed as he looked down contemplatively. His eyes darted around in thought for a moment before he giving me a pleading look. "Uhh... could you... tell me more about your captain?"

I made to respond when Soundbite interrupted me. "ASK him yourself! HE'S ON his way now!"

"Uh-oh..." I groaned as I slapped my hand to my face miserably. "Yeah, Chopper, you'd better get out of here now. Like right now, before he gets here!"

"Huh? W-why!?" Chopper asked nervously, before shifting to concern as a thought struck him. "D-do you think he won't like be b-because of what I am?"

"Heeeell no!" I scoffed. "I bet you Beris to beer barrels that he's going to think you're the coolest thing since sliced ham! Aaaafter he's done trying to eat you, at any rate."

"WHAT!?" Chopper squawked in disbelief.

"Yeeeah, see, here's the thing..." I winced and scratched the back of my head uneasily. "Two things about Luffy that make him such a monster? The first is his sheer appetite, and the second is that he's so fond of meat that he might as well be classified as a carnivore. And assuming that he hasn't eaten in several hours..."

"EEEEE-NOPE!" Soundbite provided.

"Then yeah, he's not going to really peg on to the fact that you can talk until he's partway through trying to literally bite your head off, and assuming that Sanji's out-of-it enough, then he's probably going to try and help cook you. So yeah, you should really run before they get here. Nothing personal, mind you, he just loves to eat and you're part animal, so... yeah." I shrugged helplessly. "Sucks to be you, huh?"

Gibbering fearfully, Chopper turned to break for the door... before pausing as a thought struck him. "Wait... h-how did you know my name? I-I didn't mention it to you, and neither did Doctorine..."

I froze at the question for a moment before grinning cheekily. "Simple." I widened my smile to show all my teeth. "I'm a badass pirate."

Chopper blinked at me in shock for a moment before swallowing nervously and turning and darting for the doorway.

Unfortunately for him though, he was a little bit too late on his feet.

"HEY CRO-Oomph! Huh? What the heck?"

At least, he was if the way he ran headlong into Luffy's legs was anything to go by.

Chopper stammered fearfully as he stared up at Luffy, while my Captain's face was curiously blank for a second before gaining a hungry look I was far too familiar with. "Is that... a reindeer?" he asked eagerly.

Chopper swallowed fearfully as he took a slow, deliberate step back from my captain. The blood drained from the poor Zoan-user's face, visible even under his fur, as a line of drool slowly slid out from the corner of Luffy's mouth. "I've never tasted reindeer before!" he moaned gluttonously.

"Give me ten seconds and I'll give you a venison roast that's to die for!" Sanji piped up from behind Luffy.

Yeah, I needed to break up this terror show before things got ugly. "RUN LITTLE DOCTOR-MAN, RUN!" I cried out dramatically.

Apparently that was enough to break Chopper out of his terror, prompting him to turn tail (figuratively, not literally, apparently reindeer don't have tails; learn something new every day.) and run while screaming his furry little ass off. "YEEEAAARGH!"

"COME BACK, DINNER MEAT!" Luffy roared as he gave chase.

"HANG ON, LUFFY, LET ME COOK HIM FIRST!" Sanji shouted as he followed behind him.

I chuckled lightly as I watched the trio dash out, the sounds of their hunt wafting back to me. "Sounds like Chopper'll be a great part of the crew, huh?"

Soundbite nodded eagerly and opened his mouth to respond...

"Oh it does, does it?"

Before snapping his mouth shut in horror as an elderly voice responded. "Gotta WORK on that..." he cursed softly.

I swallowed heavily before slowly turning my head to focus on Doctor Kureha, who was staring at me with an inscrutable expression from the doorway to the room.

My mind flew for a moment before I finally let out a heavy sigh. "Chopper couldn't have helped treat me that much because of the... smell, meaning that you were up close and personal while I was speaking..." I groaned heavily and ran my hand down my face. "Meaning that with my luck, you heard me talking about Chopper before I'd even seen him..." I looked up at her in resignation. "So, are we good enough for the little guy to come with us?"

"Hmph..." the 'good' doctor grumbled as she walked into the room. "You're certainly something, I'll give you that much. Better than those Blackbeard bastards..." Her gaze sharpened slightly behind her sunglasses. "And judging by that spiel you spun earlier-"

I cast a glare at Soundbite, who looked away with a nervous whistle.

"I'm guessing you know something about Chopper's past, huh?"

I considered my options for a moment before nodding tiredly. "Yeah... yeah, I do. Everything from his exile from his herd to the death of the good quack. Not to mention said quack's last gift to you."

Kureha cocked an eyebrow at me for a moment before shaking her head. "I'm not even going to ask how, because honestly, in the end? I don't care. There's only one thing that I really want to know."

In a flash, Kureha was looming over me like the Reaper himself, a scalpel held in her fist and hanging a mere two inches from my face.

"HOGEEZE!" I squeaked, pressing myself against the headboard as firmly as I could.

"EEP!" Soundbite shrieked, snapping back into his shell.

"Do you actually care about my son," Kureha hissed viciously. "Or are you just playing on his insecurities to shanghai him into your little pirate band?"

I fought to control my breathing in face of the utter demon before me before finally managing to get my nerves under control. Once I managed that, though, I was able to muster the courage to glare Kureha dead in the eyes. "Frankly, I am insulted you would insinuate that," I hissed venomously. "Yes, Chopper's skills would be a boon to us, I won't deny that, but they're not the reason I want him to join. I want him to join because he would be a good friend and he needs friends. He needs people to tell him that it's alright to be a monster, to not be human. You've been good to him, I know that, but at the end of the day, he needs more. You can't keep him in this castle forever." I was silent for a moment before narrowing my eyes. "And you know that, don't you?"

Kureha was silent for a moment before drawing away from me with a tired scoff. "Well you can make a good argument, I'll give you that... and I suppose you seem like a decent sort..." Her gaze sharpened anew. "But that doesn't tell me anything about the rest of your crew."

I opened my mouth to respond... before I was cut off by Chopper's voice bellowing out from the castle's main hall.

"ARE YOU TWO DEAF!?"

I wracked my brain for what could have prompted that outburst before grinning winningly as I recalled what was happening. "Here, let me prove you wrong." I glanced around hastily. "Uh, did the guys bring my headphones with me or...?" The headphones were promptly dropped in my lap. "Oh, thanks!"

"Quite the sturdy pair you've got there, brat..." Kureha mused. "I'm surprised they managed to survive the climb."

"What can I say? I buy quality gear," I chuckled as I slipped them over my ears. "Anyways, Soundbite?"

"AYE?" the snail barked as he poked his eyestalks out of his shell.

"I need a two-way line between me and Chopper and a one-way line from Luffy and Sanji to him and me, ASAP."

"Uno momento por favor..." An electric whine filled the air. "DONE!"

"Wait... that reindeer spoke, right?" Luffy's disembodied voice mused contemplatively.

"Yeah, and he was walking on two legs..." Sanji concurred.

One moment of silence later... "HOLY CRAP, HE'S A MONSTER!" the two roared simultaneously.

Kureha snarled furiously as she turned towards the door. "Excuse me for a moment, I need to break the Hippocratic Oath in ten ways apiece."

"Hold it!" I hissed as I waved at her frantically before focusing on Soundbite. "Hey, Chopper!"

"Huh-what!?" Chopper's voice stammered nervously. "Cross!? H-how are you-!?"

"Soundbite's good for more than just parlor tricks, Chopper," I reassured him. "And anyways, I wouldn't recommend walking out just yet. Only listening to half of a conversation can lead to horrible misunderstandings."

"W-what are you-?"

"Shh... listen."

"He walks on two legs, he's fluffy, he looks like a reindeer..." Sanji continued in awe.

"He can be small or grow until he's as big as a gorilla..." Luffy breathed contemplatively.

"Cross..." Chopper whined miserably. "Why do I-?"

"That's so cool!"

Chopper's response died in his throat with a pained gargle. Even Kureha herself was staring at Soundbite in shock, holding her sunglasses above her eyes.

"Hey, Sanji, I just got an idea!" Luffy continued eagerly. "Let's get him to join our crew!"

"And now for the real kicker!" I piped up. "Soundbite, connect me to the guys."

"DONE!"

"Hey Luffy, I was listening in! You want Chopper to join us, right?"

"His name's Chopper? That's even cooler!" Luffy cackled happily.

"I'll take that as a yes. Personally, I agree with the idea entirely! I mean, the little guy did help save our lives, you know, him being a doctor and all!"

"He's a doctor too?! That's perfect!" my captain whooped ecstatically. "Now we really need to get him to join!"

"That does sound like it would be pretty useful..." Sanji concurred.

"Exactly! See, you guys get it," I chuckled in agreement. "Well, you go ahead and try and convince him. Meanwhile, I'm going to relax for a bit, alright?"

"Okay! Oh, and before I forget, I'm glad you're alright!"

"Heh, me too. Well, good luck!" And with that, I jerked my hand across my throat. Once Soundbite confirmed he'd dropped the connection, I shot a grin up at Kureha. "See? Some people really like monsters. Let me guarantee you, Chopper: if Luffy wants you to join our crew, it's not just a fluke. I mean, hey, look at me, right?"

"Uh... I, ah..." Chopper stuttered hesitantly, his voice filled with emotion.

"Well, just for the record, I'd love to see you on the crew. For now, though, I'd recommend you start running again. Luffy can be a bit... enthusiastic."

"Huh? What are you-?"

"HEY CHOPPER-MONSTER-GUY!" Luffy's voice suddenly roared.

"WAAAAH!" Chopper shrieked fearfully as he presumably started running.

"Good luck, little buddy!" I laughed eagerly as I indicated for Soundbite to drop the connection. That done, I smiled up at Kureha again. "Satisfied? Luffy wants Chopper to join because of what he is, not even remotely in spite of it. Hell, I don't think Luffy could hate another person for what they were if he tried. He's just a really good..." I trailed off as I became aware of the music filtering through the air, then shot a caustic glare down at Soundbite. "The 'My Little Pony' theme? Really?"

"HOOHOOHOOHAHAHA!" Soundbite chortled eagerly.

"Oh go and get salted..." I groused darkly before getting back on task. "Anyways, what do you think, Doctor? Are we good enough for Chopper?"

Kureha stared at me for a moment before shaking her head heavily. "Can you guarantee that you'll keep him safe?"

I affixed the elderly doctor with a flat look. "That request is neither fair nor plausible and you damn well know it."

"Kak kak kak, fair enough..." Kureha chuckled mirthlessly. She was silent for a moment longer before throwing her hands up in defeat. "Honestly, I should have known this day would come. That damn quack Hiriluk got into the poor boy's head something fierce." She glared at me sharply, if sadly. "If the fool is stupid enough to join you, then I'll give him hell for it but I won't stop him. I don't think I could even if I tried..."

I grinned widely at the woman. "Thanks a lot, Doctor!"

"Yes, yes..." Kureha groused before whipping out a scalpel and twirling it around her fingers as she grinned at me, her canines suddenly prominent. "Just don't think that means you're getting out of here any sooner, brat! You're staying until you have a clean bill of health, and not a moment sooner! Not to mention..."

THUNK!

I most decidedly did not squeal like a stuck pig when a dozen different scalpels buried themselves in the wood around my head.

"The matter of your bill."

"Uhh..." I moaned intelligently before grinning sheepishly. "T-that can be arranged! J-just give me a second to arrange things! Heheh...heh... ah... Soundbite!" I hissed at the snail frantically. "Nami, now!"

"Uhh..." Soundbite cocked his eyestalk at me doubtfully. "This is A MOUNTAIN, you remember THAT, RIGHT?"

I rolled my eyes with a sigh. "No shit I remember that, dumbass. What I meant was try Pinkie and the Brain. I'm sure Nami's got to have one of them on her."

"Ooooh, okay! HOLD PLEASE!" Soundbite's gaze trailed off into the distance for a moment before refocusing into a vaguely worried expression. "Hello?" he asked in Nami's voice.

"Hey Nami!" I greeted eagerly. "It's Cross! We managed to make it up the mountain! Luffy and Sanji are a bit banged up, but overall we're doing pretty good! We, ah, are going to need some help with the matter of the medical bills..."

"Cross! Dammit, why didn't I think of calling you?! Listen, you need to be careful! You're about to get company up there! Wapol's on his way to the castle, and he should be there any-!"

SLAM!

Without any warning, the door to the room was slammed open as Chopper barged in, a frantic expression on his face. "DOCTORINE!"

I grit my teeth as Soundbite adopted a panicked expression of his own.

"Correction, Nami..." I sighed grimly. "Wapol's already here."

-o-

Fifteen minutes and a half-dozen explosions later, I was out of bed and wrapping myself up in a heavy blanket that was in the room.

"DO we need TO?" Soundbite asked warily as he hid beneath the heavy fabric.

"Not much choice..." I groused as I slid some boots on. "Unless we stall Wapol, he'll go straight for the armory, or worse yet that massive cannon of his. Luffy'll still be able to kick his ass, obviously, but there'll be more collateral damage. So for now... we need to distract him. At least for a bit, anyways. Juuust long enough for Luffy to get his act together and find the fat bastard."

Soundbite contemplated that for a moment before cocking his eyebrow at me. "HOW do you know THAT? I've never ASKED, but I'm curious now."

I considered the question before shaking my head with a sigh. "I'll tell you when I tell everyone else. For now..." I tugged the blanket around myself firmly as I stood before the wooden door that led to the castle's main hall. "Ready to play a life-sized game of Pac Man?"

Soundbite grimaced miserably. "I DON'T know what that IS, BUT NO!"

I briefly considered the prospect of Wapol's massive jaws for a moment before grimacing miserably. "Yeah, me neither."

And with that, I pulled the door open and made my way out onto the balcony, shivering as the frigid, snow-laden air hit me. "Damn that's brisk..." I grumbled before looking around in an attempt to get my bearings. Alright, I was on the second floor, so if my memory was accurate, then that would mean Wapol must have been...

"HEY!"

Bingo.

I looked over the edge of the balcony as I took in the massive form of Tin-Plate Wapol, the former ruler of Drum. Damn, there was huge and then there was huge, and this guy? He looked like he was big enough to match Luffy bite-for-bite in appetite. And the ugly, angry expression he was sporting certainly didn't do him any favors.

"Are you a friend of that Straw Hat brat?" he growled murderously.

I grinned cheekily as I snapped a salute at him. "Eeyup! Jeremiah Cross, third mate, communications officer and tactician of the Straw Hat Pirates! And you must be Wapol, the fat, belligerent whale of a tyrant who made the lives of everyone in this nation hell, right?"

Wapol twitched furiously for a second before leering at me menacingly. "You think I'm a tyrant, huh?"

I glanced at Soundbite contemplatively before we both grinned at him menacingly. "Pretty much, yeah!"

"EE-YUP!" Soundbite concurred.

"Alright then."

And with that, Wapol walked over to a nearby pillar and shimmied up it with more agility than someone his size should have been capable of.

Once he was on the same floor as I was, he charged me with all the speed of an enraged bull. "DIE, YOU SHITTY BRAT!"

"SHIT!" I cursed as I started running at full speed. That Pac Man reference I'd made earlier was turning out to be more accurate than I'd predicted what with the way his jaws were snapping right on my heels. I had no idea how a son of a bitch his size could possibly be that fast!

Thankfully, however, the chase didn't last anything close to long. Coming up on a staircase leading down, I hastily ducked into it, taking care not to slip on the snow and turning around once I was at the bottom.

THUNK! "GAH!"

I blinked up at the sight of Wapol's ass sticking out of the opening for a moment...

"PFFFHAHAHAHA!" "HAHAHAHEEHEEHEEEE!"

Before both Soundbite and I fell into fits of laughter, cackling as we pointed up at the firmly wedged tyrant. God damn, it was even funnier in real life!

"YOU DARE LAUGH AT A KING!?" Wapol snarled incredulously from his position.

"I dare laugh at a complete idiot!" I howled up at him.

"Idiot HUH? THEN HOW ABOUT THIS! MUNCH-MUNCH FACTORY!"

Moments later, a tin can of a jaw thunked down the staircase before landing at my feet.

I grinned sadistically as I eyed the disembodied jaws eagerly. "Still pretty stupid, dumbass!" I reeled my foot back as far as I could manage. "PUNT!"

CLANG!

I blinked in confusion for a second before registering the sheer pain in my foot.

"YEOW!" I howled miserably as I hopped back from the jaws, clutching my almost definitely broken limb in agony. "HIPPO-HOPPING MOTHER-TRUCKING BLACK-HEARTED JACKSHIT! HOW MUCH DO YOU FUCKING WEIGH!?"

"Hippo-hopping?" Soundbite snapped in disbelief.

"I AM NOT COHERENT WHEN I'M HURT!" I roared at him.

"HA! Now who's the moron, peasant?" Wapol cackled as he unfolded himself into his new form. "Behold! Slim-Up Wapol!"

I looked the king's new form over for a moment before cocking my eyebrow at him in disbelief. "You call that an improvement? I mean..." I gestured at him helplessly. "Come on, man. The torso is acceptable, sure, but that chin..." I grimaced and shook my head slowly. "No... no, the World Government is filled with monsters, but not even they would be inhuman enough to let a chin like that exist."

"AYE!" Soundbite piped up in agreement.

Wapol's eye twitched furiously before he scowled with every one of his teeth. "I don't usually like cannibalism, brat, but for you..." He charged me with his jaws stretching to an inhuman width. "I'LL MAKE AN EXCEPTION!"

"OHSHIT!" I bit out as I turned tail and ran, making for the castle's front doors. Moments later, however, I grinned as I noticed who was running in the opposite direction. "Hey Captain, good timing!" I smiled eagerly as I raised my hand and exchanged high-fives with Luffy. "Tag, you're in!"

"You got it!" Luffy grinned eagerly as he stretched his leg back. "Now... eat this!" he roared as he rammed his foot square into the middle of Wapol's face. He then blinked in confusion as he took in Wapol's new size. "Hey, wasn't he fat a second ago?"

I shrugged indifferently as I watched Wapol twitch on the frozen floor. "Devil Fruit bullshitery, you know how it is. By the way..." I affixed a flat glare on Luffy as I tugged at the torn remains of the arctic-camo pattern parka he was wearing. "Was that the winter jacket Nami got me? Come on, man, that thing was fur-lined!"

"Heheh, sorry!" Luffy chuckled nervously as he scratched the back of his head. "For what it's worth, it was really comfy while it lasted!"

"Dumbass!" I scoffed with a grin as I slapped the back of his head. "Oh, and before I forget, how goes trying to recruit Chopper?"

"Eh, I'm still trying!" Luffy's grin widened enthusiastically. "Did you know that he can change into seven different forms? He's so awesome!"

so "Actually, he's got eight," I corrected with a shrug. "Though he can't actually control that last one, it's super dangerous to both him and everyone around him."

"That sounds so cool!" Luffy squealed childishly, stars flashing in his eyes.

"But it's also a little sad," I said softly, grimacing. "He really doesn't like using it. He's got a slight complex over the whole 'Monster' thing, you see-"

"ENOUGH TALK, YOU BASTARDS!"

Our attention was diverted as Wapol's furious voice wafted over us like a bad smell.

"Ugh, you're still here?" I groused irritably.

"BEHOLD!" Wapol roared as he gestured at the massive doors behind himself. "THIS IS THE ROYAL ARMORY OF THE DRUM KINGDOM! INSIDE IS ONE OF THE GREATEST ARSENALS KNOWN TO MANKIND, AND I HAVE THE ONLY KEY! ALL I HAVE TO DO IS UNLOCK IT WITH THIS KEY-!" He held up the key in question.

"So we don't let you unlock it," I interrupted him in a monotone. "Luffy?"

"Yeah?" my captain asked in the same tone of voice.

"Kick this dumbass's once-fat ass so that we can get back to recruiting Chopper."

Luffy's grin went from ear to ear as he rammed his fists together eagerly. "Right!"

Wapol blinked in confusion for a moment before hastily spinning around and fumbling with the key as he tried to unlock the armory's doors.

"GUM-GUM PISTOL!"

"AGH!" Wapol screamed in terror and then pain as Luffy's fist slammed the key out of his hand, crushing the rod of metal into a useless lump.

"Come on, dumbass!" Luffy grinned malevolently. "Let's settle this, one on one!"

Wapol stared at Luffy with a blank expression for a moment... before running away as fast as he could manage. "I'M NOT DONE YET! I STILL HAVE AN ACE UP MY SLEEVE!"

Luffy blinked in surprise as he watched the tyrant run. "He doesn't give up, does he?"

I shrugged indifferently as I did the same. "Cornered rats are the most desperate." We watched him for a moment more before I sighed and jerked my head towards the fleeing monarch. "Well don't just stand there! Go kick his ass!"

"Oh, right!" Luffy blinked before roaring and giving chase. "GET BACK HERE, BASTARD!"

About a minute of tense waiting later, a very welcome sound roared out.

"BAZOOKAAAA!"

CRASH!

I couldn't help but grin eagerly as the sound of victory and freedom echoed out.

"Well, sounds like that's that!" I grinned eagerly as I dusted my hands off.

That smile then proceeded to die a very swift, very violent death when a bony hand clamped down on my shoulder like an industrial vice.

"What are you doing out of bed, brat?" the voice of Death itself hissed furiously from behind me.

I swallowed desperately as I tried to keep myself calm. "I feel much better?" I tried.

Kureha chuckled malevolently, an evil sound that sent shivers running up my spine. "Nice try. Now... care to learn one of the best aspects of being a doctor?"

"... good dental?"

"KAK KAK KAK! Ahh, no. No no... the best aspect... is that we know how to knock people unconscious while dealing the least amount of damage possible. Here, allow me to demonstrate!"

Oh cra-

THUNK!

And my world became darkness and pain.