chapter 4

It's been a month now since I started at Carpe Diem academy, A month since I met Saya, a month since I got Michael. In that month I finally got accustomed to my new surroundings, and the people that surround it, I wake up, work out, go to school, go home, do some homework, then go out and kill drug dealers, mercenaries, and gangsters. I was taught that I am a pawn at a young age, and that people would use me as they see fit, and no matter which way you look at it, you are are always being used, others have a perspective of where they believe that their just helping, or since they're being paid for it, then it's okay, or those with principles who believe what they do isn't wrong, but as long as it benefits the "greater good" it's okay. I just find it that I'm useful, and people need me. I don't have a morale code, or principles, but I have a purpose. I contemplate these thoughts on my runs, and my workouts. I have to stop, I have to be better I have to…"what ya doing babe" (I'm just thinking) Saya worries about me, it makes me angry, but it's her choice. "Were you thinking about Mikki's offer" asks Saya, Mikianea asked me a couple of days ago to join a club, I didn't refuse, but I didn't decline her either "you can join my club" saya says as she sipped her tea, if there is one thing I've noticed about Saya that has changed her is her physique it has become tighter at the waist, her glutes are larger as well as her legs, she wears more hats when we go out, less make up, and walks straighter. It's small changes, her personality changes whenever there is a curtain said "mood" I know that it's just slang for whenever she's depressed.(what club is that ?)  "Well it's called the problem solving club, that's not the official name, I'm the president"she says, it's basically a club that she want me in so I can solve the problem and she can actually see how I'd handle non violent tasks. I ignored her, looking at her as she eats her rice, I smile, she sees my smile and stops eating "I've never seen you smile like that" my phone rings, I let it go to voicemail, because i'm preoccupied with other motivations. As I get done I ask Michael if he could tell me who called [it was a women she sounded very angry at you] (thanks helmet) by now me and Says are late for school, we do this once a week, whenever this happens I go hang out with Chris, we started hanging out because Saya said I needed to socialize more, the first time getting to know Chris we were on a job, it security job we were watching over a sixty year old investor, we were eating while watching the investor from a cafe nearby, while I was watching the client Chris was telling me about how life is just more interesting behind a mask, and how he enjoys school, because he hates how predictable the people are, and he likes watching them enjoy their perspectives on life, so that's why he smiles. I now know that it's not fake, also he rejects every girl, because he feels that their affection is false based on the fact that he's created an image that people respect and or call in love with. I was honest with him in saying I respect that, though that being all I said to him. 

Whenever Saya, Chris, Mikki, or Overwatch find out I have down time they tend to ask me to go out with them, ultimately I pick Chris,because I see Saya everyday and we either have sex, kiss, read books to each other aloud, or train. If I go out with Mikki Saya gets mad, Mikki acts quiet I like it, but I know it's all fake, because the way she acts when she puts that helmet on is insane she told me once it's just her grasping at the opportunity to do the things she truly wants to do, it was a naive response, with that whenever we're alone she gets nervous and runs away. Being with Overwatch I have have to watch as she gets drunk and tells me how it sucks that she is so beautiful, but she could never get a guy and be happy because of her job, I feel like I know she has always been like that I don't really know for sure. I choose Chris, because we just watch people we don't talk and when we do it's small and short conversations, sometimes we go get music to listen to on the job, or we improve our gear. Time passes as I train,more and more trying to "entertain" myself which is what Mr.Kotegawa said earlier in the month, because he told me there will be no operations, due to the fact that the estate shooting and  retrieval of the police commissioner, I have to lie low, though I can still handle local small time ops. While I'm doing pull ups Saya come down to ask "hey H you want to go out" I kindly refuse "well if your on one of your days, then fine I'll go hang out with Mikkianea, hope you feel better" she states, I stop and turn around to look at her (what do you mean ?) I speak to her in an exhausted tone, it's weird asking that, because I never really cared about what people think about me, only what they know, she replied with "I don't want to get into it" I persist in asking, she finally cracks after looking into my eyes and says "well sometimes when you train or get ready to do what you do best, I can see all the experience and all the strength you have, it's terrifying at times, but behind it is sadness and loneliness, and thirst that can't be quenched by normal means, and everytime you say no to when someone wants to interact with you, I can see that denial of interaction, your just… in that… zone where" I stop her from saying anything else (people are just a…) "see denial… it's been a month since we have met, and your still like this...you idiot" she then runs upstairs to my room then proceeds to lock the door. I'm not angry I'm honestly confused, people have tried reading me before, it reminds of when I first met Overwatch aka Beatrice which her name at the time, she thought I was adorable, and wouldn't stop coddling me. Then she thought I was just a young kid who appeared to be normal, but then she got my file, then proceeded to be horrified by what I've done, for some reason though this was a time before I met her in the limo, my nose started to bleed again.

[Your heart rate is climbing, are you okay] Michael's voice came from one of the earbuds I left in my ear. I hit the floor hard, waking up to Chris punching my chest, I then choke him, afterwards Saya slaps me, I then release  him from my hands, and look to Saya, she seems to have been crying. She proceeded to hold me after I let go of Chris. (Did it happen again) "you weren't breathing… I tried asking Michael… and then he said your heart stopped" Saya says this to me as her hold on me tightens, and then Chris said "Saya called me, and I was coming over anyways so I was already nearby" as he rubs his throat from where my hands almost ripped his throat out. Mikki then comes down saying "what happened!?" I lose my footing again falling straight to my knees Saya and Chris try holding me up, Chris states "he needs to see a doctor"  Saya starts yelling "I know!!!" I try to stand,but I can't stop seeing flashes of images. It hurts way more than anything I've felt before (I'm fine) I try getting up but I go unconscious again. I wake up hours later in a hospital bed, I can barely see, but I can hear a doctor talking to someone I can't hear quiet make out what they're saying, I fell unconscious again. I woke up again, but everything was a little more visible, I see a doctor, he pointed at an image of a brain, all I could hear was crying I've heard those cries before, I try to read the doctor's lips, though I already know what he's talking about, my brain is suffering from shellshock. 

A day later and I'm released from the hospital. Chris drove me and Saya back to my house, opening the door I'm greeted by the pleasant sounds of a cliche surprise by everyone I've met in the past month, even people I don't even know. After an hour of nodding my head at people I slip bye and go to my basement and train. Overwatch comes down shortly after I finish up she asks "Are you okay" (yes) "are you sure" she gets right in front of me as I'm trying to walk up the stairs "you don't have to keep doing this to yourself" she states I walk up the stairs and just before I leave I tell her (I do this because I want to, I'm good at it, I was bred for this type of work, it is my purpose in life, if you take this away from me I am nothing) I wasn't lying when I said that to her. I make my way pass the small crowd of people who are here for my "better health" and head towards my off to gear up and go out. I'm almost ready to leave then Michael says [you know that if she figures out your about to go out for a "walk" she will leave you] (I don't care helmet) [well I told her] (fuck you) Saya brust through the door saying " you are not going to do this to me H" (Saya don't) " don't you Saya me, I'm tired of being worried that the next time you go out, you won't come back" (you don't understand) "what does that even mean ? " (I don't have to tell you) she slaps me and shoves me around while holding on to my harness, I then grabbed her and with a calming tone I said ( I need to do this, this is what I am, I'm an evil person im rude, brash, stubborn, and a killer. If I don't do this… I am nothing) "if you do this to me, I won't be here when you come back, unless you tell me the truth instead of things I already know" I feel something in my chest, I start grabbing more of my gear, she then starts to walk away. I shout (don't... please) I don't know why I said that " you did this to yourself" I see her hand reach for the door, I make no sudden move but I say while putting my gear on is ( I can't tell you why I keep doing this type of work, because I don't understand for myself, all I know is that I don't really enjoy life, I enjoy your company and the love you feel for me, but when I wrap my hand around someone next and see their life leave their eyes, I enjoy that people see me as a monster, and an animal… an I love it so much) I didn't hear her but Saya got really close to me she says "you're an idiot" then she leaves and so do I. After six hours I come back to my house, it's completely empty Michael says [she's gone] (I know).