15. Facing facts

10...9...8...7...6...5...

Kara had promised Alex she wouldn’t break the sound barrier inside city limits unless it was an emergency. This was nearly an emergency. Shooting over buildings at just under the limit, she counted down the seconds in her head and ignored the ringing of the phone tucked into her boot.

“Almost there...”

The little school was nestled cozily in a thick cluster of trees and shrubs. Red brick under a tidy black shingle roof and white shutters, a natural playground on three sides and a small parking lot out front; it was the very picture of quality. But right now Kara couldn’t have cared less if it was a rickety shack suspended over a tank full of sharks. So long as she got there on time.

3...2...1...

Kara didn’t quite crash into a bush, but it was a near thing. A quick spin and she had traded the cape for a pair of tan slacks and a navy sweater over a white button-up. Getting out of the bushes was a little more awkward. Kara wasn’t entirely sure the foliage would recover. She hastily straightened her clothes and made her way up the little walkway to the parking lot where Lena and Lizzy were waiting for her.

“Mama!” Lizzy waved from Lena’s arms, thrilled at the dramatic entrance.

“I made it!” Kara boasted, grinning as she reached them.

“Barely,” Lena admitted, putting away her phone. “Here, take her and hold still.” She passed Lizzy to Kara and sighed as she plucked three leaves and a twig out of Kara’s hair. “Did you have to land in the bushes?”

“I was trying to be discreet.”

A raised eyebrow gave Kara some idea of her complete lack of success, but Lena’s touch was gentle as she ran her fingers through Kara’s curls, persuading them to look a little less windblown superhero, and a little more responsible mom. Kara fought the urge to close her eyes and purr like Lizzy’s tiger when Lena lingered longer than strictly necessary, her perfectly manicured nails tracing lightly across Kara’s temples as she combed out the few last imaginary tangles.

“Will I do?” Kara asked, flushing when Lena gave her a very slow and obvious once over in response, eyes half closed and lower lip caught between her teeth.

“Good enough,” she said with a smirk.

Kara rolled her eyes. “Gee, thanks. You look perfectly adequate yourself.”

Lena’s smirk grew wider, but she refused to rise to the bait. In a black pinstripe pencil skirt and blazer over a smoky grey blouse, and three-inch heels, she knew exactly how good she looked. “Thank you darling,” she said with perfect sincerity and just enough smoulder to make Kara’s insides shiver. “Shall we?” she asked, holding out a hand.

Kara considered resisting for about half a second before shifting Lizzy to her hip and taking it. Lena’s eyes sparkled in smug victory as she tugged her closer and led the way to the front door, Kara following obediently beside her, still blushing.

They hadn’t talked about that. Not yet. 

Last night, Kara had said this, and Lena had said real, and in that moment, they had been on exactly the same page. But now... now Kara was a coward. It hadn’t helped that an urgent call from the DEO had pulled her out of bed before the alarm and before their usual “accidental” morning cuddle. Leaving  Lizzy with Lena, Kara had spent all day wrestling aliens and dodging Snapper. Again.  On the upside, they had finally brought in someone who preferred talking over incarceration.  So at three fifty-five, Kara had left Alex and J’onn in the interrogation room before speeding her way back across the city for their appointment at the “Little Tots” Daycare where they were hoping to find the fourth piece of the Talisman.

There had been a few phone calls in between, mostly missed voicemails on both ends, arranging for Eliza to pick Lizzy up at Lcorp and take her to the park for a few hours so that Lena could get some work done, and another one from Lena reminding Kara that their appointment was at four, and no, rampaging G’lorks, were not an adequate excuse for being late.

But nothing about last night.

It was just... Kara didn’t quite know how to act, or what to say. She’d admitted she wanted this, but did Lena understand Kara wanted her too? The flirting would suggest yes, but Lena had always enjoyed flustering her. And come to that, what if Kara had completely misunderstood, and Lena hadn’t meant what Kara had thought she meant, and feeling real wasn’t real enough?

Kara was not a complicated person. Beyond, of course, the necessary complexities of being an alien, impersonating a human who regularly disguised herself as a superhero, while also now pretending to be married to, and raising a child with, a prominent CEO of a company famed for villainy with regards to said Superhero’s hero cousin, who was also an alien... but that was easy. This was impossible.

She missed Miss Grant.

Cat would have sighed at her and tsked, and probably yelled a little, but she had a way of making things clearer.

Somehow Kara didn’t think Cat and Lena would get along though.

They reached the door and Lena pressed the button for the intercom, giving their names when prompted by the crackling voice from the speaker. The door buzzed as the lock disengaged and they stepped inside.

Kara’s first impression was of colour. The front hall was decorated with children’s artwork, all neatly and thoughtfully displayed on the cork boards and on top of the natural wood cubbies. There were murals painted on the walls; an ocean on one side, and a quiet forest scene on the other. The cubbies themselves held a rainbow of little coats and shoes.  

It was beautiful and welcoming, and Kara was almost sorry they had come with ulterior motives. She could see dropping Lizzy off here in the mornings, still heavy-eyed and sleepy, and picking her up at the end of the day, bright and bubbling with pictures for the fridge and stories for the ride home.

“Mama, ‘ishes!” Lizzy reached up to touch tiny clay fish hanging on a long forked branch that had been suspended from the ceiling, their scales fashioned out of multi-coloured buttons.

 “Those were made by our After School Class.” A short, round woman had come to meet them, beaming up at Lizzy. Her tight silver curls were at odds with the spring in her step and the necklace of multicoloured noodles on a bright green string around her neck.

“They’re lovely,” Lena said. “You must be Ms. Chapple?”

“Call me Faye,” she insisted. “And you’re the Luthor-Danvers family, which means this must be little Eliza Louise.”

“’Izzy,” Lizzy corrected her bluntly, blue eyes narrowing slightly.

“We call her Lizzy,” Kara explained, giving her a little bounce to remind her not to glare at strangers. A reminder that went largely ignored.

“Of course you do,” Faye recovered neatly. “Hello, Lizzy.”

“Hi!” Lizzy  waved, good cheer instantly restored now that she had been properly addressed. “Mama,” she announced, patting Kara on the shoulder, and “Mommy,” she added, pointing at Lena. “’Izzy, down?” she asked Kara, clearly feeling that all social obligations had now been met and eager to explore this new space.

“Lizzy can wait,” Kara told her firmly, ignoring the resulting pout. “I also answer to Kara,” she added for Faye’s sake, offering a hand, which Faye took in a warm grip, the sparkle in her eye assuring Kara that she found the slightly unconventional introduction more amusing than anything else.

“Lena,” Lena added, also shaking hands with the little woman. “Thank you for offering us this tour, we’ve been having a bit of trouble finding reliable care.”

“No trouble at all,” Faye assured them. “One of our families is moving to Metropolis, so we have an opening in our toddler room. Usually we would take someone from the waiting list, but when we got your call, the board agreed to make an exception.” She winked. “Shall we?”

Faye led the way down the hall, Lena and Kara following. Kara put Lizzy down so she could walk, but she kept a tight hold of her hand. “What was the winking about?” Kara asked, leaning close to whisper in Lena’s ear.

“I don’t know,” Lena admitted, also whispering. “Money? I do have a fairly ridiculous amount of it.”

Kara snorted softly. “This place isn’t exactly broke.”

Lena shrugged. “Maybe she’s just a fan.”

“You have fans?”

“Jealous?” Lena asked archly.

“Of your imaginary fans?” Kara grinned. “Nope. I’m pretty sure I have more.”

Lena sniffed. “Well not all of us can fly.”

“Would you like to?” Kara asked, a little too eagerly if Lena’s slow, knowing smirk was anything to go by. “I mean, I could take you, again...if you wanted to,” she mumbled, adjusting her glasses.

“I’d like that,” Lena said, reclaiming her free hand and winding their fingers together.

“Tonight?”

Lena leaned in even closer, warm breath brushing Kara’s ear. “It’s a date.”

Kara nearly tripped over her own feet, and Lena laughed softly, stepping sideways to allow a respectable amount of space to grow between them again, although she didn’t let Kara have her hand back.

Oblivious, Faye stopped to open the last door in the hallway and ushered them in. “I thought we’d start with the toddler room,” she said.  “Since this is would be Lizzy’s room if you decide to join us.”

Lizzy nearly dragged Kara inside, only to falter to a stop, eyes wide.

The room was alive with activity. There were blocks being stacked, cars whizzing down ramps, big beach balls being rolled, bounced on and tossed. An enormous sandbox and an equally large water table took up an entire corner of the room, with two toddlers very seriously scooping up the water in little cups and carrying it over to dump it into the sand while another child used a wooden spoon to mix it in. One little girl was spinning in circles, a colourful scarf fluttering in each hand, and another was making fairly credible motor noises and “driving” her way around the room using a basket for a steering wheel. There was a cozy little space draped in long swathes of fabric with pillows and a bookshelf, where one of the teachers was reading to a small group of children, and three round tables with tree stumps for chairs, set up for painting, some kind of sorting activity, and snack. The second teacher was on that side of the room, tying smocks and handing out cheese and crackers while tiny hands carefully poured milk from a plastic pitcher into wide rimmed cups. 

Faye was chatting with Lena about Loose Parts, and Schemas, and something called Hi Mamma, but Kara tuned them out, crouching down beside the awestruck Lizzy. “Do you want to go and play?”

Lizzy nodded vigorously.

 “Do you want me to come with you?”

A headshake this time.

“Okay.” Kara let go of her hand and Lizzy headed straight for the sandbox. There was some kind of wordless debate over possession of the wooden spoon which was resolved when Lizzy took over the job of “stirrer,” while the other child started shovelling wet sand into a bucket.

“She seems to fit right in,” Faye said.

“Oh, sorry...” Kara stood up. “Should I not have let her go? I didn’t think to ask.”

 “It’s okay,” Faye assured her. “We encourage parents to allow their children to engage in the rooms during a tour. That’s the only way to really know if it’s a good match. She’s more than welcome to play here while I show you the rest of the centre.”

Kara hesitated. Letting Lizzy out of their sight had gone wrong as often as it had gone right so far, but... she did seem to be having fun, and surely the teachers knew what they were doing. “What do you think?” she asked Lena.

“I think it’s a wonderful idea.” Lena didn’t seem to share Kara’s concerns, steering her gently, but firmly towards the door. “Come on, Mama,” she teased. “She’ll be fine.”

“I guess we could leave her for a few minutes...” Kara allowed herself to be persuaded, and she and Lena followed Faye back up the hallway.

They saw the infant room next, speaking in hushed tones to avoid waking the afternoon nappers, and then the preschool room, which was a little quiet than the toddler’s, but no less busy or engaging. After that Faye took them to what she called the Studios, three connected rooms where they ran their Before and After School programs.

These children were older, and they had full run of all three rooms, one set up for Science and Technology, one for Art, and one for Music and Drama, with costumes and a little stage, as well as a soundproof booth with instruments and recording equipment. The teachers here were assisting the children in their own self-directed projects, and according to Faye, they were scientists, artists and actors as well as teachers.

“It’s a Reggio-Emilia inspired curriculum,” she explained. “My co-director and I took a trip to Italy to visit the centres there a few years ago. We can’t replicate the program completely of course, but we’ve done our best.”

“I like it,” Kara said. “I would have loved to have a studio like that when I was a kid.”

“Are you an artist?” Faye asked, holding the door open for them.

“Not really. I paint a little, and I used to sculpt, but it’s just a hobby.”

“Nothing is ever just a hobby,” Faye scolded her, suddenly very fierce for such a small woman. “If you enjoy something, than you should take pride in it. Make a space for it in your life. Do you have space for passion, Kara?”

“I um...” Kara had no idea how to respond to that.

“We do have that spare room...” Lena added, all innocence and not helping at all. “Maybe we should convert it into a studio? I can have Jess arrange it.” She pulled her phone out of her purse.

“Uh...” Kara looked back and forth between the two women, one determined and the other looking way too pleased with herself for Kara’s liking.  “Sure?”

“Good!” Faye turned neatly back around and headed down the hall. Apparently satisfied.

“We are not really converting the spare room!” Kara hissed at Lena, making a grab for the phone.

“But darling,” Lena said sweetly, green eyes damn near sparkling. “You need to make room for passion in your life.”

Kara didn’t miss the deliberate inflection, or the way Lena looked up at her through dark lashes. She wasn’t playing fair. “Fine.” Kara grumbled. “But no calling Jess!”

“If you insist.” Lena put her phone away. “I suppose you do enjoy doing your own heavy lifting,” she added suggestively.

“Stop that,” Kara mumbled, feeling her face heat.

“Stop what?”

“You know what!”

“I-“

Whatever Lena was about to say was cut off when Faye bustled back towards them.

“I’m sorry to interrupt,” she said, expression grave. “But there’s been an incident. Lizzy’s fine,” she hastened to assure them. “But we should have a word in my office.”

Kara and Lena exchanged a look. “I’ll go,” Lena said. “You get Lizzy?”

Kara nodded, and Lena followed Faye to her office while Kara detoured to the toddler room. She was prepared for glowing hands and frightened children, already calling herself an idiot for not thinking of that when she left Lizzy with strangers. She’d gotten so caught up in imagining what it would be like if they were really going to enroll their daughter here, that she’d almost forgotten why they’d come in the first place!

So she wasn’t surprised to open the door to chaos, but it wasn’t quite the mess she’d been expecting.

She looked for Lizzy first, and found her sitting in the middle of the carpet, her arms crossed and an expression of pure fury on her face. There was a teacher crouched down beside her who looked like she was trying to reason with her, but Lizzy was having none of it, shaking her head and sticking her lower lip out even farther.

Most of the disruption seemed to be coming from a little boy screaming at the top of his lungs across the room while another teacher held a bundle of Kleenex to his bleeding nose and a girl sobbing into the third teachers shoulder as she tried to round up the rest of the children who were taking advantage of this diversion by running quite thoroughly amok.

“What happened,” Kara asked, kneeling down on Lizzy’s other side.

“Lizzy?” The teacher asked.

“’Izzy, hulp!” Lizzy insisted. The teacher sighed.

“As far as we can tell, she was trying to help,” she explained. “One of our boys has trouble sharing. He wanted another little girl’s toy so he pushed her down and took it and, well... Lizzy punched him in the nose and took it back for her.” The teacher didn’t seem like she was quite sure whether to be shocked or impressed. “I’ve been trying to convince her to apologize.”

“Oh...” Kara saw the teacher’s dilemma. On the one hand, she was appalled that her kid had hit someone. On the other... that little brat probably had it coming. “Mind if I take her? I’ll bring her back to apologize once she’s calmed down.”

“Of course!” If anything the teacher looked relieved.

Kara scooped Lizzy up and took her to find Lena. This was a two parent problem. “Wait until your Mommy hears about this...”

Lena, had apparently already heard.

Faye excused herself, offering them a little privacy and the use of her office to talk to Lizzy.

Kara sat her down beside a basket of toys that Faye had thoughtfully provided to occupy children while she talked to their parents, and took Lena aside.

“What should we say...?” she asked.

“Vigilante justice is your area of expertise,” Lena pointed out. “Not mine.”

“The teacher wants her to apologize.”

Lena frowned. “The kid deserved it.”

“I know...but do we really want her taking the law into her own hands? I mean, she’s not even two.”

“Mommy?” Lizzy interrupted. “Mommy, d’is?” She held up a little plastic Xylophone, blue light flickering along her fingers and forming a glowing halo around the instrument.

“Thank you Lizzy,” Lena said, taking the toy and tucking it into her purse out of sight. “That’s one problem solved, but you’re still in trouble.”

 Lizzy looked up at them, chin wobbling. “Izzy hulp...” she sniffed.

“Oh honey...” Kara knelt down beside her. “I know you wanted to help, but it’s not okay to hit people.”

“Mama, help,” Lizzy argued. “Mama ‘tect. Mama pow!” she mimed throwing a punch. “Izzy, ‘tect like Mama,” she insisted.

“She has a point,” Lena offered when Kara just gaped, at a loss for words. “You’re not exactly a role model for pacifism.”

“How does she even know about that?”

“She knows you’re Supergirl.”

“Yeah, but I’m pretty sure she’s never seen me hit anyone.” Kara sighed. “Okay, I think this might be partially my fault. After she bit Mon El we had a talk about protecting people instead of hurting them, and the idea seems to have stuck. Lizzy,” she tried again. “I’m an adult, and it’s my job to keep you, and everyone else safe. Sometimes that means I have to fight, but only when there’s no other way. Do you understand?”

Izzy considered that for a moment. “Izzy big, ‘Izzy hulp wi’s Mama?” she asked hopefully.

“Sure,” Kara said, figuring that was probably the best she was going to get. “When you’re all grown up you can help people with me, but until then, no hitting, okay?”

“’Kay,” Lizzy agreed mollified.

“Are you ready to apologize?”

Lizzy wrinkled her nose but she nodded reluctantly.

“Good.” Kara held out her hand and Lizzy took it, sliding down off the chair. “I’ll take her down to say sorry,” she told Lena. “Do they need us to sign anything?”

“There was an incident report,” Lena said, her expression still troubled for some reason. “I already signed it. Are you coming home with us, or do you need to fly?” She asked abruptly.

“I can come home...” Kara frowned. “Are you okay?”

“Fine.” Lena waved her off, already taking out her keys and pushing open the office door. “I’ll meet you in the car.”

Kara wanted to follow her. Whatever she said, Lena was upset about something, but she had to finish this first. Tugging Lizzy after her, Kara went back to the Toddler room and made her own apologies to Faye and the other teachers while Lizzy said her grudging “s’ry” to the little boy with the bloody nose.

Faye was very gracious, and one of the teachers actually muttered that it was about time that kid got a fist to the nose, so it wasn’t quite as painful as it could have been, but she was still more than happy to leave the daycare behind.

Lena was quiet on the drive, and after a few failed attempts at conversation Kara left her alone, but once they were home, and Lizzy had run off to play in her room, she tried again. This time with an offering of coffee.

Lena took the cup, sitting down on the couch and drawing her legs up underneath her.

“You lied to her,” she said without prompting when Kara sat down beside her.

“Who?”

“Lizzy.” Lena didn’t lift her eyes from her coffee, watching the dark liquid swirl slowly around the cup.

Kara blinked, confused. “What? When?”

“You told her she could help you when she grows up,” Lena explained. “But she’s never going to grow up, is she?”

“Oh...” Kara sat back against the arm of the couch, feeling like she’d just swallowed a gut full of kryptonite. “I didn’t think...”

“You didn’t think?” Lena’s voice cracked. “Kara, what are we playing at? No matter what we...” she broke off, shaking her head. “She’s not real,” she whispered hoarsely.

“She is real!” Kara reached out but fell back when Lena flinched away from her. “Lena... I don’t care where she came from, she’s still our daughter.”

“But for how long?” Lena demanded. “Are you telling me you’re just going to let reality stay twisted? With aliens running wild, and people getting hurt?  Are you willing to leave that talisman out there where it could fall into the wrong hands?”

“Are you?” Kara asked, shocked.

“Yes,” Lena said flatly. “If it meant keeping our daughter safe, and here, with us! I would.”

“I...” Kara felt tear pricking at her own eyes. “Lena I can’t...” She twisted her fingers together in her lap. “Maybe we won’t have to give her up... Maybe we can fix everything else, and-“

Lena cut her off with a sharp gesture. “Stop,” she said. “From the moment this started, all you’ve been able to think about is how to fix it.” She set her cup down on the table and stood up. “Did you even consider that maybe it’s not something that needs to be fixed?”

“Lena...” Kara tried to think of something else she could say, but Lena was right. She did need to fix this. She hoped, desperately, there would be a way for Lizzy to stay, but she couldn’t put her own happiness ahead of the lives and safety of other people. If she did that she wouldn’t be Kara anymore. She wouldn’t be the woman her mother had wanted her to be.  “I’m sorry...”

“I know,” Lena said, wrapping her arms around herself, still not quite looking at Kara. “You’ll do what you have to do, even if it kills you, and I can’t even be angry with you, because that’s why I...” She closed her eyes. “Please just go. I know you can’t do anything about the morning, but please find somewhere else to sleep tonight. I need to be alone with my daughter.”

“Our daughter,” Kara corrected her softly, getting up and going to the balcony doors. She pushed them open but paused on the threshold and turned back. “You’re right,” she said. “I’ll do what I have to do, but if we lose her, there won’t be a reality, a world or a dimension where the person or being responsible will be able to hide, and when I catch him...”

“What?” Lena asked, finally looking at her, disbelief colouring her tone. “You’ll kill him?”

“No,” Kara said. “I’ll give him to you.”

Lena inhaled sharply, her eyes going wide, but she nodded.

“Say goodnight for me?” Kara asked.

“I will.”

Leaving felt like tearing herself in two, but Kara knew grief, and she knew loss, and she knew the pain of loving someone and hating them at the same time, and Lena had asked her to go. Launching herself into the sky, she flew higher and higher until the air was so thin that she could pretend the burning in her lungs was the reason she couldn’t breathe. 

What good was the heart of a hero when it was breaking?