Review of Slayer
Originality - 5/5 For this site cultivation stories are very common. But this story is quite different. Its a cross between Natural Born Killers and a Cultivation Master Fighting
Story - 3/5 There is a great story buried beneath the info dump. I can see it in the Authors imagination but it is really struggling to be communicated in the text. The problem is the writing style. I will give examples and suggestions after the categories.
Characters - 2/5 There is an MC, an Antagonist and side characters. The MC is not well defined, I understand he is a master, young in appearance, an expert. But I know little about his goals, motivation or personality. A weak to strong MC can be much more appealing than a straight up Master. But that is for the Author to determine.
The antagonist has an issue that he is MC focused or obsessed. I advise you create a personality, motivations and goals for the Antagonist. His life does not revolve around the MC unless the MC stands in his way for a vital objective. OR he stands in the MCs way for his objective. At the moment I cannot tell. Cao just hunts the MC. For Reasons.
Flow - 1/5 The flow is terrible. It's an infodump. There is conversation but it is poorly written. There is a description of people and places. But the way it is delivered in massively long sentences which are not well thought out. These are not genius sentences, the language is poor. What could have been said with four words uses twenty. And its repetitive.
Examples
I have taken an exert and rewritten it. Its much easier than trying to descibe how to improve.
FROM THIS
Leo then pushed the wrist of the man straight towards his face the knife which was now facing the fat man stabbed into his right eye the fat man screamed in agony as blood along with a gooey liquid rushed out, Leo pulled the knife out of the fat mans right eye when Leo pulled the knife out his eyeball which was slashed in half was visible along with the flesh behind his eye Leo then sent the knife once again to the fat mans face, but this time to his left eye the fat man screamed once again in agony unable to bear the pain of having both his eyes stabbed.
Leo did not stop there he pulled the knife out from the fat man's left eye and pierced the fat man's face first he struck on his cheek then on his nose then on his forehead by this time the fat man had stopped screaming which meant that he had passed on but that did not stop Leo who continued to slash the fat man's face 5 more times until the fat man's brain, eyes, nose were all mixed his skull was cracked in many places and his face was covered with nothing but rushing blood from all direction his face was now beyond recognizable.
“
TO THIS
“
Leo pushed the man’s wrist back towards his own face. As the knife slowly entered the fat man’s right eye, he screamed in agony. Blood and a gooey liquid rushed out as Leo removed the knife. The eyeball still clung to the knife, skewered on the blade, as Leo stabbed the fat man in the face again. This time piercing the right eye as the fat man continued to scream with increasing shrillness. The fat man was unable to bear the pain of multiple stabbings to the face, and his screaming stopped as he blacked out moments before his death.
.
When the frenzy concluded the fat man’s eyes, nose, cheeks and mouth were indistinguishable in the bloody mess that was once his face.
There is no need for thought bubbles (single quotations) in 3rd person when handled correctly.
FROM THIS
'I'm sure Cao will be searching for me, I can't stay in this village anymore since it's the closest to the city the chances of him coming here are high' Thinking this Leo
TO THIS
Leo was sure Cao would be searching for him, he couldn’t stay in the village anymore. It was closest to the city and the chances of Cao coming there were high.
Suggestion: I think you should keep writing. It takes 10,000 hours to master anything. I would love it if you try and take on board what I have said and read book of authors. But keep writing, writing and writing. TBH my first 200,000 words were crap. You are doing great.
