Loss At It's Peak

FARRAH

"Where's your next stop?" Irish asked as we walked out of the bar. It was already quite late, but I had to see Jordan.

"The hospital" I muttered as I tried waving down a cab. She raised a brow glancing at her phone.

"It's 10pm Farrah, he'd fallen asleep by now" She said and I nodded.

"That's the point" I muttered and she sighed as a cab pulled along. I entered the cab waiting for Irish to enter with me, she looked hesitant shaking her head.

"I'm not heading the same way as you are, I'm going to Mark's" She said shutting the door. I blinked.

Yeah, her boyfriend. Cool.

"General Hospital" I said to the cab man as Irish straightened up pasting an apologetic smile on her face. I gave her a curt nod as the cab veered into the street. I leaned back into my seat.

Relationships? The last one I was in got ruined because of the accident. Well, he couldn't understand me anymore and thought I needed mental care. He thought I was going insane.

Anyone would be scared. Hell, I scared myself too. Sucking in a breath, I tried to focus on my life right now, on the reason why I'm doing this — waitress job.

The reason why I had three jobs. Morning shift, afternoon shift and evening shift. The reason why I got no more than two hours sleep. The reason why I had to stay alive.

"We're here ma'am" the driver muttered staring at me through the rearview mirror. I cleared my throat pulling the bean of my hoodie over my head before stepping out. I paid him and he drove off leaving me standing in front of the hospital, scared of what I was going to meet, to see.

Taking a shaky breath, I ventured in. He definitely was asleep by this time, this was the only time I get to visit -at night. Watching him die, slipping slowly away from me was more than a heartbreak, a part of me died with him.

I walked briskly towards his room, pushing the door open, I tucked my shaky hands into the pockets of my pant.

The room was dark, the light from the moon was the only thing illuminating it and that too – dimly. Other patients were once in this room, somehow, they all got better and were discharged.

He was sad watching them leave knowing he wouldn't be leaving here anytime soon or better still, never. I swallowed nothing, my throat suddenly parched.

Making my way in, I managed to shut the door with a silent click. He was asleep and it'd be best if I didn't wake him up. I don't want him to see the fear in my eyes, to squash the little hope he had left.

I settled on the chair next to his bed, half of his beautiful face, the moon casted its light over. I reached for his hand, pale, dry and skinny.

I'm sorry Jordie, I'm sorry I can't help you.

His eyes fluttered open and he reached over flicking the lights on. His eyes met mine, I lowered my lids and tried to act strong.

 Again, I could see the hope in there and the life his vibrant eyes once held was slowly diminishing.

"Farrah" my name ghosted his lips in a tiny whisper. I forced a smile. He sat up, opening his arms for a hug. I leaned closer, wrapping my arms around the pale body of my eight year old nephew.

A sob threatened to burst out but I suppressed it. My hands darted down the little brown hair he had left before pulling back.

He smiled at me. The smile that reminds me so much of my brother.

"Hey you, why aren't you asleep?" I asked, quietly tucking him back into the bed, pulling the covers to his chin. His hand still clamped down on mine.

"I was waiting for you, I knew you'd come, probably when I'm asleep and I don't get to see you" he muttered and a stab of guilt went through me. He noticed. Of course, he did.

"I'm sorry Nino" I whispered calling him by the pet name he had. I intertwined our fingers together and stared down at it.

"It's okay," he muttered before his eyes took a sad expression "You're working to make sure, I'm okay, right?" he asked, his brown eyes meeting mine. The seconds ticked and I closed my eyes before nodding.

"I'll make sure you're fine Nino" I muttered. Lies!!

He blinked slowly at me before staring down at our hands. I rubbed his finger with my thumb.

"It hurts" he admitted quietly. I knew what he was saying. My poor boy.

"It would get better, okay?" I ran my fingers through his hair. He just looked at me, not saying anything.

"Farrah?" he called and I hummed, my heart beating painfully inside of me. If only I could take the pain away. If only…

"I'm a burden to you. Wouldn't it be easy for both of us if I join mum and dad?" he asked and I blinked. Once and then twice.

No…!

"What are you saying, Nino" my voice was sharper than I intended and he flinched. I shook my head, sighing softly.

"Nino, why would you think of that?" I asked softening my voice despite the fear in me. He was already thinking of death. He was going to leave me too, right?

He smiled sadly. I'd never seen him this way. He was always positive, trying to catch up with life. He was just – tired.

"Look at you, you're pale and not doing much better than I am. I'm sure you've moved out of our apartment. All your savings are gone, I am…" he swallowed nothing, his eyes glassy.

"Draining you" he finished and I froze. My whole body stiffened as I stared at the little boy in front of me. Tears burned the back of my eyes, but I refuse to show weakness. I want to be strong, for the both of us.

He can't give up now. He would be okay, he would.

"What if…at the end of it all, I don't make it?" his question stunned me. I never thought of it. Because he wasn't leaving. It was the promise I'd made to my brother.

I would make sure Jordan was okay, and that he gets a good life. He wasn't dying, I would make sure of it till I close my eyes in death. Tears slipped out of his eyes, his body trembled lightly.

"Nino" my voice betrayed me. And then my eyes did too.

"You would be okay alright? I'm here, do you think I would let you die?" I asked tears streaming down my face. He shook his head lightly, his lips trembling.

He'd always been smarter than most of his age grades, why would he think I would let him go?

"Its Leukemia Farrah, you can't fight it" he whispered and I shook my head before bringing our joined hands to my chest. I would, for you… I would.

We were silent later on, deep down, I knew he was right. I couldn't fight it. It wasn't up to me or him but… I was ready to try. I was ready to do anything to make sure he was okay.

The door opened and we turned around, the doctor walked in. The expression on his face did nothing to assure me. 

Maybe, I was really going to lose Jordan.