Chapter 57

The dilemma had my mind cascading in a twist of entanglements. And I came to a realization that it could be expressed in two ways. If I chose to accept the contract and go then I would be lonely yet stable, if I chose not to then I would be lonely and unstable. The aspect of loneliness still lingered on, there was only one cure for it but that was something that I couldn't have. 

That day passed, and I had still not come to a conclusion. The next day I feared the thoughts would drag me down so I decided to find something to do instead of idling around. I went outside and offered Sarin my help. He had been harvesting some potatoes at the time. That had been the first time he had seemed amused, standing and dusting his hands he leveled me with a challenging glance, then he turned to his crops and smiled. 

" Have you ever done anything of the sort before?" He asked, seeming very sure of the response I would give.

" I'm willing to learn, just carry on and I'll watch, " I told him. Then he slowly turned back around and went down on his haunches. I watched his actions keenly, grasping them in my mind before I mimicked them as well. It turned out to be easier than I had anticipated. And quite fun as well. I glanced towards him and he nodded in approval. Then we worked in silence until he asked me whether I had decided on what I wanted to do, I told him I was thinking about it. 

Calen had told me to speak out in his letter, that even if it would involve my actions. But I was still perplexed. Everything was happening all at once, I hardly had time to process one thing before I was pulled into another. The work helped me to clear my mind a bit, but then that night I realized that time was running out and I had to make up my mind. Sarin had lend me some of his clothes considering the fact that I didn't have any, and we couldn't risk Aliyah bringing mine over either. 

That night I insisted on cooking and Sarin didn't put up much of a fight. I didn't know why but being there reminded me a lot of the cabin, of those eleven days. Of the first time I had realized the true depth of my feelings for Calen. It had been after my shower, when I had stood under the doorway and watched him as he struggled to pack. That look in his eyes had been a revelation of sorts. And I had not wished to water the seed of that emotion, to tend to it, ensure it received enough rain and sunrise inorder grow. But somehow I ended up doing just that. From that moment I had felt it grow until my love for him emanated from my very pores. 

I cooked, served, called Sarin to eat and then I sat down and went ahead with my thoughts. 

The envelope still on the table, a constant reminder of the answer I was required to give but didn't have. 

" She's already engaged..." Sarin suddenly spoke. Seated beside me with the hat still on his head and his eyes glued to his plate.

" Did you know that?" He asked and I blinked a couple of times and asked him what he meant. I knew,had already figured it out, but I needed him to confirm my doubts.

" Aliyah..." The way Sarin said her name. The word was uttered with the softness of a petal held in a child's hand. I furrowed my brows in confusion and placed my cutlery down. 

" The second she turns eighteen she's destined to wed, "

His voice cracked..then it broke and he cleared his throat inorder to go on. I wondered why Aliyah had never mentioned any of that to me,why she hadn't ever told me about her own troubles and insisted only on solving mine. 

I couldn't see Sarin's face but I imagined the pained look he must have been wearing as he told me that. 

" A prince he is, " he added. Then he shook his head and took another bite of his food. I thought he was done, and I wanted to ask him something when he went on. 

" Your sister is my light Jerald, " he finally glanced at me. And in his grey eyes I saw a storm. Sarin meant those words,he wasn't just throwing them out there, I could see wind-stirred waves in his eyes. The truth of that confession had erased all else from the depths of his grey orbs. He finally took off the baseball cap and placed it aside, and on the face of this young and kind boy I saw aged shadows that lurked. I saw emotions that he was still fighting to cage. There was a dark history there, I could tell that there was. But I barely knew him, and so it wasn't my place to ask. 

" We made a vow to live in the here and now. To not constantly glance at the time. She said she wants to be surprised when the time finally ends, that she wants to be in shock. "

I still didn't know why he was suddenly sharing all this with me. He barely ever said anything unless it was Aliyah he was talking to. Yet he was literally pouring his heart out, I was convinced that there was a genuine reason behind it. 

" If you choose to not return then you shall regret it. I give you my word, " he very seriously stated and I parted my lips and focused sorely on him. 

" You're afraid, isn't that so? You've convinced yourself that it'll hurt more the second time, " I turned away. Wondering what had driven him to bring that up. And I also asked myself how he could have known that. 

" Let me reveal the ugly truth to you Jerald....Love will always aim to squeeze those feelings from your heart. Whether good or bad, it will force you to feel them. "

I had nothing to say to him. I could only sit there and listen as he told me things I didn't want to hear but which I knew were true. Facts I had no choice but to listen to and acknowledge. I darted my eyes around the table and then I fixed them on the large envelope. 

" Don't let your fear of pain prevent you from loving, that is the greatest mistake I believe you can make," he finished off. And when I turned to him again I could tell he didn't wish for me to ask anything.

That was Siran, he'd give you advice and leave it at that. A stranger to me despite us eating at the same table and talking about our doomed loves. 

" He deserves your effort, don't deny him that," Sarin added afterwards. And I was no longer hungry. I started wondering whether I had failed Calen, whether I hadn't been doing as much as I could to fix things. I recalled the confrontation he had had with my father the morning he barged into my quarters in Seville. Calen had been willing to put up a fight, but I had been the one to give up. And the one to make him give up as well....and even now, when an opportunity for a little more time presented itself, I was choosing to let it slip away. 

Was I truly that much of a coward?

I knew that in a way I was. I ignored confrontations, I despised arguments. I preferred standing on the sidelines and quietly watching events unfold...even if the events themselves were about me. 

About my life.

About my love. 

With an almost blurred vision I reached for the envelope and held it in my hand. Then I asked Sarin to lend me his phone so I may speak to Aliyah. He dialed her number and passed it over to me, I heard it ring, then finally Aliyah's voice on the other end as she called out Sarin's name. 

" It's Jerald, " I corrected her, my voice hoarse for some reason.

She didn't utter another word but rather waited for me to speak. 

" I've decided to sign the contract. I shall return to Seville, " I said. Then I heard her breathe out. As if she were relieved I had come to my senses.

" It surely took you long enough. I'll plan everything, leave it all to me, " she said and I hang up.

Stretching my arm over to Siran he took his phone and tucked it back into his pocket. Then he gave me this subtle smile and nodded. His way of telling me that I was doing the right thing. 

I hoped that I was. I didn't want to surrender to the fear anymore, for once I wanted to attempt and face it. I knew that eventually I would have to face the loneliness, but before then I had a chance. And Calen deserved my effort.

As Sarin had said, I couldn't deny him that, it would be simply unjust.