Chapter 50

JERALD'S POV

Mind cleanse. What was that? A psychological attempt to break my conscious?

I figured that the only reason Dafiq hadn't come by yesterday was to give me room to be mentally prepared for the second stage of the cleanse. I had wished that he would never return,that he'd just let me be,but the next day I had heard him unlock the door.

He came in with a trey of food for me and asked me to please eat. I was starving, so I didn't make any attempt at stubbornness. I took the trey from him and ate as he sat on the couch across from me.

Silent, observant. 

I quickly ate,then I drank the glass of water and placed the trey on my bedside table. According to him, I had just broken my fast...but I had done so long ago when I decided to drink that glass of water. It had been either that or die of thirst. 

" How are you?" He asked and I wondered what sort of absurd question that was. I looked at him, my eyes on his and I refused to answer. I wasn't going to tell him I was okay because that's what he wanted. He wanted me to make him feel better about himself and about the anguish he was making me endure. 

And if I chose to be honest then there were chances he'd regret having ever asked. 

How was I?

I was passed out on a dark cloud made of lightning, My tears were falling within me like acid rain. 

I was not at all okay. 

When he realized I didn't intend to respond he sighed and let it be. Then he sat back against the couch and leaned forward. His elbows on his knees. 

" The mind is a powerful thing Jerald, it has the ability to believe things that aren't true, "

he finally said. I say back against my headboard and crossed my legs. He was trying to tell me that my love for Calen was simply in my mind, that it was something I had created and birthed in my brain. 

And I realized that this could actually be worse than the physical cleanse, because this time he would be directly targeting my affection. Trying to term it as nonexistent.

And that was something I couldn't bear. 

" That's actually why most people lead towards vices, their minds make them feel as if what they're doing is okay, " 

I turned my focus to my watch and flicked my thumb across the screen. Then I recalled what he had written me the day it all came to an end. That he'd search for me, that he'd wait for the seconds to end so that he could move again. 

Dafiq said something else but I didn't hear him. And I decided that's what I was going to do. I'd sit there and I'd think of thoughts that would distract me from his words. I'd fantasize about other things that would enable me to detach myself from the present. 

And so I did. 

He talked and talked, sounding more like a motivational speaker than the spiritual leader I had gotten used to. I wondered when the time for him to go would come. Normally he stayed for about four hours. Two hundred and forty minutes of me being forced to listen to words that crushed my soul.

After an hour of him talking and thinking I was listening, he kept quiet and stood.

Then he slowly walked over to the window and looked out, cleared his throat and looked back at me. His hand going up to scratch the stubble on his face. Then he looked at me and I stared back. 

I hadn't seen aliyah since she left my room, and I wondered whether I'd even get to see her again in the next two weeks. She had sounded so sure about her plan to help me leave, and I knew that she was smart. She had been sneaking out since she was thirteen to go and get swimming lessons and no one had known. If anyone could help me then it was definitely her. 

But how, when?

I had decided that if I truly got the chance to leave I'd go somewhere where my father was sure to never look. I still had no clue where but I'd cross that bridge when I got there. 

I decided that I'd manage for now. This part of the cleanse wasn't as bad as I had thought. But then Dafiq asked me something and I looked up at him with a blank expression.

" Have you ever laid with a female?" He asked and I narrowed my gaze. Wondering what that had to do with anything.

Slowly, I shook my head. 

He nodded, then he went ahead to ask me why. There was literally no response to give to that. There were many options brewing in my mind but none of them accepted to be said out loud. He was getting too personal, and I had made a choice to not cooperate. He had done enough. 

" That's okay, you mustn't answer, " he added and I turned away from him. I wanted him to leave my personal space. To go and let me be.Why wasn't he?

" My teacher in the light once told me that love is nothing but an illusion. That it's all here and could vanish as quickly as it was formed, "

He tapped the side of his skull, gesturing to his brain. And I realized that for a spiritual leader, he was lost. And I suspected that all those who he tried to lead were lost as well. 

" And I came to realize that he was right, " His beliefs were the only illusion that existed. If love wasn't real then neither was I. If it was all but an illusion then I ceased to exist. But perhaps he was somehow right, because sometimes I suspected that the feeling was different for everyone. How I loved differed from how another person would. I loved with a passion that thrived on ascending emotions. My love was a pure and living thing,and so hearing Dafiq say such a thing made me realize that he had no idea of what love was. It was a sad thing, to live all those years and still not experience the brightest treasure one could be rewarded. 

His teacher in the light lurked in the shadows and his opinions were bred by darkness. 

He huffed out a breath and stared at his watch, then he told me that he had to leave but would be back later. 

And I inwardly wished he'd finish up and not return, because once he left I'd get a chance to think about a possible way out. But knowing he'd return was like being trapped within two nets. The first was the morning visit and the other net was the later one. Those were two things that had held me captive. His visitations always filled me with dread. 

When he walked out I continued to sit on my bed for a while longer, then I stood and went to the washroom to freshen up. There was nothing else for me to do other than study. I didn't have my violin and all of my good books were back at Seville. But at least I knew they were safe, they were being watched over. Knowing my father I had thought he had been serious about burning them, and if he had proceeded to place the order I don't know what I could have done, I doubt I would have had it in me to buy a new violin. The one I had carried memories, not old ones but they were irreplaceable. I had made them less than four months ago but they were currently the only things that occupied my mind. 

I studied for a while then I got tired and took a break. I tried to force myself to take a nap but I couldn't. I laced around the room, starting to lose it. I wanted to get out, I had an independent will, and I was sure that locking your teenage son in his room and making him undergo a cleanse against his will wasn't exactly something that could be legal.

But those were my father's lands, he made the rules and decided what got to be done. 

And I thought I had past the worst part until that evening when Dafiq returned.

They were heartless, my father and him. They had no clue about what was right and what was wrong. I had suspected as much but always tried to not think about it. Until that particular evening when Dafiq entered me room, and behind him was Simra, the same one who had never been shy about expressing her feelings towards me. With her head covered and an almost seductive smile on her face, she remained by the door as Dafiq walked towards me. I had my suspicions but decided to not jump into conclusions as of yet. Because what I was thinking wasn't only wrong, it was extremely deranged.