Chapter 41

The beats of my fragmented heart never slowed down for the next two days. Each second that passed they would beat with more force than was necessary. I was always on edge as well,my hands were always shaking and I would randomly just drop things. Randomly get distracted by my own thoughts. 

But still I tried to make the most out of the time I had left with him. That Monday I had tried to attend the classes, but I just couldn't. Not when I knew that would be the last time I would be doing so. So after the short morning break I had stopped attending them. I went back to my quarters and I locked the door and I tried to breathe because for some reason I was always short of breath. And when I noted no improvement I went to my bed and lied down on the cool sheets with the snow globe cradled in my hands. I shook it, turned it upside down and watched the snow as it fell.

The action repeated over and over until suddenly I related it to Calen's metaphor about the hour glass and the falling dust and suddenly I couldn't even bare to hold the globe anymore. I placed it aside with shaky movements and closed my eyes.

I had to be strong, I knew I had to be. I. couldn't spend every second thinking about tomorrow or about the fact that I would most likely never see Calen again.

The only issue was that I didn't know where to draw that strength from. 

I hadn't even stared at my phone since yesterday. I kept it on silent because each time it vibrated I panicked.

About two hours into my loneliness he knocked. I knew it was him because who else would it be? I parted my lips in an attempt to welcome him in, but the words dried in my throat and I ended up quiet, waiting for him to get in.

" J.R? Are you in there? "

Still I said nothing. And after some minutes passed I heard the jingling of keys as he unlocked the door. He had a spare to my quarters and I had a spare to his. I couldn't see him since I was facing away from the door, but I could feel his presence and that was all the comfort I needed. He sighed defeatedly the second he walked in and saw me. As if the simple sight of me and my current state was hurting him.

I knew it was. I hoped he wouldn't be so stressed out but I could see the lines of worry and helplessness creasing his face. 

He said nothing though, rather he shut the door behind him and slowly walked towards me. Then he got onto the bed next to me and spooned me from behind. His arms tight around me and his thumb frequently flicking against my skin. 

I didn't want him to miss his classes, but for once I decided to be selfish. I needed him there.

" Don't go, " I told him and his reply filled me with excruciating anguish.

" I'm not the one leaving my J.R, you are. "

It was a simple and basic fact, but I couldn't help but feel as if I was betraying us. Like I wasn't fighting enough. As if I had turned my back on our entire world.

" I don't want to, " I reminded him and he told me he knew, that it wasn't my fault.

" Don't let the emotions drown you in this pit of tar. Otherwise you'll never submerge from it. "

" I'm trying, but it's so..." I lacked words.

" I know. I feel them too. "

We lived in the silence after that. Then he seemed to recall something and decided to share it with me.

" I read something today. You wanna hear it? "

I nodded. He took a while before actually doing so, but I didn't complain, I didn't have the strength to.

" Someday you'll be the only face I'll recognize in the foreign landscapes of my life...he finally began, "..I'll be the only one to see you running from the storm on the edge of lightning. "

Slowly I turned to face him and I inwardly flinched when I saw the ghosts larking on his face.I wondered whether he truly had read that or if he had thought of it himself. He was so desperate to make me feel better that he had placed his own sadness aside.And I knew that once I was no longer there he'd be forced to deal with it all on his own.

" The storm brews inside me Calen. I'm afraid I cannot outrun it. "

" You can try though. There are ways choices, other options to try. "

I sensed he meant something more with those words.

" What kind of choices? All of them have the same tragic ending, they'll end with me reduced into parts. "

" I beg to differ, " his eyes were concentrated on the space behind me. 

" You don't have to go, just refuse J.R. Stay here for the next two-"

" You know I can't. "

" Of course you can. We're about to graduate, surely he must want you to. It's only two months, "

" He'd never say yes to that. " I was positive about that much. His blood was probably boiling with rage at the moment, wondering when he'd get here and extract me from the place I had already taken root.

I had once come across this piece of writing. And it stated that the gods envied us. That they envied us because we're mortal, because any moment may be our last. That everything is more beautiful because we are doomed.

That was one great lie. Not everything is beautiful simply because it might be the end of it. Some things become more agonizing, and in the last moments all you feel is dread and fear and emptiness.

" There are no other options Calen. None, "

My father was on a mission and he would not rest until he accomplished it. And all we could do was wait. So that's what we did.

 We waited.

I don't even know how long we stayed in bed for, but suddenly I closed my eyes and managed to fall asleep. It was the middle of the day but I didn't care, I was willing to take any chance I got to not be conscious. Calen stayed awake though, but he never left my side. When I woke up it was five in the evening. I opened my eyes and the reality punched me in my face. I couldn't fight back since any power I had left I was using to hold onto Calen for the few hours that remained.

" There's food in the kitchen if you're hungry,"

I told him, realizing he hadn't eaten all day.

" I'm okay, you should eat though. "

I shook my head and told him I didn't want anything. All I needed at the moment was him. 

That was the last day I'd be spending in that room, and each corner I looked I saw memories that echoed off the walls, and that were buried in the details of my belongings. 

He kissed the top of my head, holding my chin between his thumb and forefinger and angling me to face him. Then he placed another tender kiss on my lips and he whispered the words " I love you "

He didn't expect me to say them back, but how could I not? How could I deny him that simple truth? 

His name was engraved in my heart. The blood in my veins was coated by his love.

" I love you too Calen Silverstein. More than life itself. "

" You ARE my life, " he confessed. I planted my hands on his chest with an attempt to ease the trembling.

" As you are mine, " I told him.

Knowing very well that from tomorrow I'd be dead. Metaphorically and maybe even literally as well. 

Night finally came and he fell asleep, I watched him do so because it would be the last chance I got. 

                      🌼💮🌼💮🌼💮

Tuesday he had said. 

And when he had said that I thought he meant midday. Probably evening if luck was on our side. 

I had however been very wrong. It was hard to imagine how our worse situation could worsen. But it did. Tremendously that too.

My father was an emperor with access to any transport vessel he desired to use. Like a private jet that could transport him from countless miles away to London in a heartbeat. And he had no sense of boundaries. He never cared about intrusion when he had an objective to achieve. 

He didn't care that visitors or parents weren't allowed in the school until around ten in the morning.

He got there at four.

I imagine he didn't have to demand for the gate to be opened for him. He had status and that was enough.