Chapter 40

We can't all have happy endings. 

The world is not a bed of roses.

Pain is inevitable, and to quote from one of my favourite authors, " Pain demands to be felt, " 

Not everything ends with the words "happily ever after, " 

These were all facts I was well aware of. But it didn't make the pain any less. 

Not when I was listening to the principal tell J.R he had to clear out before Tuesday, and that his father wanted him to be packed and ready to leave when he came to get him. It was late afternoon, some students were still in the school cathedral attending the mass, I attended it as well occasionally, had planned to do so today, but that had been before everything came crumbling downhill.

J.R didn't respond, he had hardly talked that day. All he did was follow the principal's directions, sign where he needed to.

" Can you at least tell me what's wrong? What happened?" The principal sought to know but he got no response. J.R was respectful and always replied when spoken to, but not today. Today he shut everyone out.

And when the principal turned to me I simply shook my head. 

Later on, we were both standing by the stream, and I noticed how he had, for the first time, stepped on the wildflowers on the ground. Crushing them beneath his feet. Rendering them lifeless, almost as lifeless as he looked. 

" You don't want me to tell you this but I will, " I spoke at last. We were running out of time and there was no way I was planning on letting him leave without hearing the words from me first. 

He finally glanced at me. Then he asked me not to, pleaded even.

" Don't make this any harder than it already is, " he said. But I wasn't listening, he had to know. So I smiled weakly at him and shifted to face him. 

Then I told him words he didn't want to hear but which I needed to say.

" It's strange. I'm certain I knew this would happen. It scared me and I knew I ought to at least keep my distance, but I went ahead and did the exact opposite. I approached you, " I reached for his olive skin, but then I retracted my hand before it met his flesh, " I got to know you and now....now I'm afraid I've inevitably fallen in love with you, "

I watched the tears form in his eyes until they welled up. A single blink and they'd fall.

" I'm in love with you, despite the awful circumstances we're in.." the pain he was in radiated off of him in waves and filled the space between us with dullness and imaginary poison. I swear I almost couldn't breathe.

" Despite all my attempts to ease this yearning I have for you, " he unknowingly fisted his hand on his chest, right where his heart was. Then he gave out a sharp exhale. He was breaking me apart. I forced myself to brave on.

" I fell in love with you even though your culture forbids me to, even though your father might kill you for it. I love you despite knowing you might never say it back, "

With a shake of his head, he begged me to stop tormenting him with my words, but I had already began, there was no way I could stop.

" I told you I believe in the truth-"

" Calen please.."

"-In honest declarations, well, there's nothing more truthful than that J.R. I love you. "

I ground the words out, realizing that I was as much a victim of them as he was. They affected me the same way they broke him.

He cast his eyes down and I watched him flatter his lashes closed. Then, with profound heartache, I watched the tears as they made their descent to the ground.

" Why now?" He asked. Sounding broken... shattered.

" And why do we have to go through all this?"

How I wished I could give him a fulfilling and reassuring response to that. But for once I had nothing. No lovely words to put his even lovelier mind at ease. All I could do was take that one step that led me to him, then I pulled him into a hug. One so tight we could both hardly breathe. I held onto him with everything I had. All while shedding silent tears of my own. With his head buried in the crook of my neck, I felt him grow less tense, but he was still in anguish. We both were. His tears found my skin, and the salty liquid stung.

Heavens! What was happening?!

Two days, I thought. We only had two days left, then he'd be gone for good. I pulled him impossibly closer. I couldn't afford to let him see how truly undone I was. To learn of how fragmented my heart was or how loud my soul was screaming.

" Say something Calen, I beg of you, tell me something...tell me anything. " 

Words, I needed genuine words. With one hand digging into his hair, I placed a soft lingering kiss on his forehead. Then I told him the first thing that came to mind, praying that he'd listen, that he'd understand.

 " The dust in the hour glass falls...smoothes its way down. It reminds us of the reality which I shall not name. The reality which doesn't seem real...the reality which might as well be a stake straight to my heart. And for the seconds remaining I watch the little grains of dust. And I try to think of good thoughts at a time when my mind is flooded with shards of glass coated with salty tears.

But then I think of you.

My salvation in a place where all are doomed.

My sweetness in a world where even the air is sour.

My reason for having been and still being.

You're my one good thought my J.R....

And I know you're hurting........ goodness I know it hurts!! I can taste the agony, I can feel your soul crashing against the winds.

 But know this...If this pain that's threatening to end me is the price I have to pay for meeting you, then I shall gladly pay it a thousand times over. Because you've made me a thousand times more alive than I had been.."

That was one of the last times I held onto him, until the actual last time. 

Later on we sat next to the stream, and the same thing kept ringing in my head. Over and over it kept trying to get my attention. I turned to J.R and asked.

" Do you believe that everything happens for a reason? " I asked and I watched him swallow, then he locked his lips and sighed this shaky sigh. 

" I do not, " he admitted. Then he went ahead to explain.

" I believe that everything happens because people make choices, and those choices have consequences which trigger other choices. It's the cycle of life, what makes one event lead to another. A person's simple choice, "

I slowly nodded, not bearing to look at him for long because all I saw were his red eyes and his tear streaked face. 

" It doesn't really matter, does it? "

" What?" 

" Everything. Nothing matters, nothing is important. It's all just rubbish! " The anger came out of nowhere, and it was pounding in my brain. I wanted to shout and let it out, but I contained t within me. 

J.R leaned towards the stream and splashed some water in his face, then he laid on his back next to me.

JERALDS' POV 

" I suppose it's a matter of perception. I think it matters Calen Silverstein. Everything matters. " I found a way to speak. He laid down next to me as well.

" That's the third time you've told me that since we met, that it's all a matter of perception. " He said and somehow, somehow I managed to smile.

" Because it's how I view things. Perceptively. I've lost track of time and I can't breathe well because I feel suffocated by the emotions. And there's this ....this thing inside me. Like a dark looming shadow that's taking over my entire being. And I'm weary and hopeless....but I still manage to think it all matters.

All of this.

This nightmare we've somehow found ourselves in, " I sadly chuckled in an attempt to release the venom from my heart, "....It matters because it's all I have to take with me. The memories are all I have, including the hurtful ones which we'd both rather forget. I'm training myself to treasure them because they'll be my refuge when I can no longer turn to you. I suppose we both knew that we were living on borrowed time, and now the ugly loan shark named reality has returned to claim what's his. And we have no option but to let it go. But before that happens we have now....the sand in the hourglass is still falling, and we ought to try and think of that as a good thing. Because as long as it's falling we still have time....so let's not focus on the fading seconds lest we forget to live...to love. "