Chapter 39

We were both on his balcony, I was busy looking out into the kaleidoscope. This surrounding of us that was always changing. At the trees covered by the mist and at the occasional bird that flew by. And he was seated on the cold floor, leaning against the wall behind him. I couldn't bear how terrified he seemed. I regretted having left him last night, it had only been about thirty minutes, but within that short amount of time, he had altered the entire course of his life. According to what he had told me, his father and him had had an argument. And he suspected that his state of drunkenness had been discovered. In other words, within thirty minutes of my absence, his father had both learnt that his firstborn son was gay and also drunk. 

He hadn't spoken a word since that morning when he woke up. I had only returned to his room to check up on him, deciding to sleep in my own quarters last night. And I had found him already asleep, but with his phone on his hand. 

Assuming it was Aliyah he had been speaking to, I took it and placed it on his bedside table. 

Slowly, I turned around to face him, leaning against the railing because I felt as if my legs wanted to give away. And if I was feeling so drained then I wondered what exactly was going through J.R's head. 

I doubted he was even there, his body was, but his mind seemed miles away.

There was this blank look on his face, and his eyes were focused straight ahead. Unseeing despite the fact that they were wide open. 

" Has he called you since then?" I asked, expecting no response from him. But he did answer.

" No. "

" And are you sure you told him? "

" Yes. "

" Do you recall him saying anything else? "

He shrugged.

His robotic replies were making me even more worried. 

It was as if he had zoned out and was now existing outside his physical form. Ask if he had detached himself from reality since the fear and shock had overwhelmed him more than he could handle.

Like how a child crawled into the closet when scared, only the closet in this case was his own subconscious.

" Fact...." he began a couple of minutes later, I listened to what he wanted to say " ..Polo is known as the name of kings. "

I frowned and inched closer. Worrying that he had gone to a place that would be hard to return from. That there was a chance of him being stuck in his own mind. 

Such cases were not unheard of.

" J.R? " I cautiously called out to him. But if he heard me then he made no point of showing that he did. He continued to stare out at nothing in particular.

"...Do you know why they call it that?" he asked but didn't even wait for me to respond.

" It's because it was patronized by kings. And it was played with great joy by the princess and the warriors to test their endurance. Their power. Their courage...." 

He stopped talking suddenly, then he turned and looked up at me. But still, there was no emotion in the stare. I might as well have been looking at a stranger since I didn't know who the person next to me was.

Where was that spark of mischief in his green eyes? Where was that smile that pushed me closer to insanity? Where was my sweet J.R?

" I lack courage, and I lack endurance for this situation and I don't even have the power to stop this fear from taking over, " he confessed in that same blunt tone. Then he brought his knees up and rested his arms on top. 

" Can you make it stop Calen Silverstein?" he asked and I went down on my haunches next to him, placing my hand on his upper arm. But if he felt my touch then he didn't show it. 

I thought about his question. Whether I had the power to stop his fear. And how I wished that I did, how I hoped that I had the ability to free him from his torment, but the sad truth was that I couldn't.

" I'm afraid I cannot. "

He chuckled defeatedly, out of pain and weakness. Then he looked me right in the eyes and said,            " Then it appears we are doomed. "

I felt out the softness of his dark strands, then I hooked my hand under his arm and told him to stand. He went up with me.

I thought of what to say to bring him back. To jog him out of his current state. Because I was feeling very much alone at that point. Like he was there but he wasn't. He was looking at me but could not see me. 

And I thought I had found the words, but before I could speak them out loud, his phone began to ring. He closed his eyes for about two seconds, then he retrieved the gadget from his pocket and stared at the screen. " Father, " it clearly read. Our eyes met at that instant, and I could see the emotions he was trying to chase away, they were fighting to be felt. Clawing at him with violence and drive. 

His hand started to shake, so much that I feared the phone would fall and break. A part of me wished for that to happen. As if getting rid of the device would also rid us of this nightmare once and for all. 

He stared at me as if asking what to do. And the phone kept ringing, the sound taunting us with the ugly truth. The name flashing on the screen reminding us that there was actually no ' us '. 

He finally picked it up. 

" Father, " J.R began, then he kept quiet and squeezed his eyes shut, as if he was being forced to listen to something he had no intention of listening to. And when he spoke again, it was in a language I could not understand. One I had heard him use several times while speaking to his sister. But back then, it had been because they were both excited and happy. Now though, it was because he was saying something he didn't want me to hear. 

I decided to let go and step away until he was done. But then he fisted his hand in my shirt, keeping it there. Grasping onto the fabric to tightly I feared it might tear apart. But I didn't care, if it gave him the strength he needed then he could grasp it as tightly as he needed to. 

For a while, he replied with short foreign words. But I had known him for long enough to be aware of when he was beginning to lose his temper. And currently, that's exactly what he was. But he didn't want to because it was his father on the other end of the line and he had to be respectful.

Always.

His father could take any tone he wished with him, tell him whatever he wanted and demand anything from him, but J.R had to be the model son and answer with nothing but etiquette and humility.

Though according to how things were going, he seemed to be losing that aspect of himself. 

" Try and listen to me for goodness sake!! "

He finally snapped.

And we were drawn into this short silence where I assume his father was trying to comprehend what he'd just heard and whether that was his son talking.

J.R switched to English after that. 

" I have no desire to rule your lands.." were the first words he spoke after that. There was no harshness to them. Just earnesty.

" And I know it hurts for you to hear this, but what I told you last night was nothing but the truth..." he looked up at me and I wrapped my hand around his wrist. The same one that held his hand to my shirt. 

" It's okay, " I mouthed the words. 

" I can't continue to live a lie. To pretend I'm content when I'm the exact opposite, "

his father said something and he kept quiet so as to listen. Then he slowly withdrew the phone from his ear and hang his head down.

" What did he say?" I asked. Both eager and afraid to know. 

He took in a deep breath and exhaled just as deeply. Then he loosened his grip on my shirt and let his hand fall to his side.

" Is it that bad?"

Shaking his head,he placed the phone on the window pane behind him.

" It's worse. "

My heartbeat picked up the pace. Beating for him and I both since he looked energy deprived. And I have no clue what I had expected him to say, but he was right, it truly was worse.

" It seems our two months just turned into two days, " a short pause before he added, " He's coming to get me on Tuesday. "

It was Sunday.

The last one we would be spending together in that place. I felt as if everything around me had come to a standstill. It was my turn to disappear into my own mind.