Chapter 164

- 03h33

The hours ticked by like minutes, the minutes like seconds, and all I had to do was blink and the whole night passed as if I weren't anchored in this reality, as if time had no influence on me.

- 02h44

The living room was plunged into darkness, the furniture gave the impression of being made of shadows, the deafening silence of the sleeping house gave an unreal aspect to my waiting, as if I were suspended above a void, in an unreachable and unalterable slice of existence.

I sat motionless on the sofa, my hands on my knees, staring straight ahead, my eyes so wide open that they stung.

- 02h12

Beyond the bay window, far into the woods, an owl dropped from its perch and swooped down on a squirrel. Its claws closed like a crane on the rough fur, its wings straightened and it swooped down on another tree.

The squirrel's cry, muffled and barely audible, accompanied me as I walked up and down the living room, uneasy, a broth of worry and anxiety purring like a torrent in my ears, preventing me from listening to my own thoughts.

I felt I had to be calm, so I stayed calm.

- 01h48

No one had seen me come home.

Neither Rei nor her children.

Touya had left the house a long time ago ; I'd helped him to ensure that no one noticed he was gone.

If my father didn't return in time then my perfectly constructed alibi, meticulously put together alibi, would be rendered obsolete.

The more time passed, the less I could control my anxiety.

- 01h16

Where the hell is he ?

The furniture was silent, the house still, but my ears were ringing as if there were more than one of us.

He's guessed what you're up to.

Impossible, my plan was flawless.

He knows what you're going to do.

How could he ? No one knew but Hawks and Hawks-

Hawks told him.

Hawks wanted Touya dead at least as much as I did.

Hawks has realised what a game you're playing and he's trying to double-cross you.

I paused in front of the kitchen island, gripping the edge of the cold marble to remind myself that I was really there, alive and well, firmly anchored in this reality, and that the voice-

You'll get your one-way ticket to Tartarus.

If Hawks had betrayed me, I'd ripp his wings off with my own hands.

He's laughing at you. They're all laughing at you. Touya is with Hawks and they are laughing togeth-

I closed my eyes so tightly my eyelids hurt.

The buzzing in my head grew in intensity and volume, rumbling and sizzling until I felt I could hear it outside my body, in the hollow of my ear, whispering and whispering in its treacherous voice.

"Because for all your rhetoric and all your genius plans, you can't kill him"

He's going to die tonight.

"Will he ?"

I've planned everything.

"You planned to strangle him the first time, drown him the second time, and look : he's still alive"

The first time I was-

"Pathetic"

This time Hawks will-

"Can he do it ? I mean, if we assume that he hasn't turned you in and he's not going to-"

I'll kill him.

"Like you were supposed to kill Touya ?"

"Shut the fuck up"

The rumbling subsided, my vision cleared, and suddenly the veil covering my ears lifted and I'd moved away from the kitchen.

I'd gripped the coffee table without realising it, the metal surrounding the glass shaking under my fingers like a beam about to give way.

Veins bulged beneath the skin of my hands and forearms, so thick and prominent that I wondered if they might explode in my next burst of rage.

"You're terrified, Shoto"

I whispered.

"Because if he manages to survive, it means you have no control"

I am in control of my life.

"That means all the tears you've shed, all the blood you've spilled, all the suffering you've endured was in vain"

With my hands still on the table and my eyes fixed on my bare feet, I swayed frantically, trying to calm my growing terror.

"It means that no matter how hard you try to change things, nothing will ever really change"

I have control-

"It means that if dad is fated to die because of Touya, there's nothing you can do-"

"Shoto ?"

-00h58

I raised my head sharply, my sticky hair clinging to my face, my fingers still gripping the metal bars where my fingerprints were imprinted.

"I thought I heard a voice different from yours, is there… are you alright ?"

It's not in my head.

The curtain of paranoid smoke fell back, the wisps floating like mist around the periphery of my vision.

He was standing at the entrance to the living room, one hand on the light switch.

I squinted as my vision adjusted, black spots dancing in my vision.

Even though his voice came from outside, I had my doubts and wondered for a moment if it wasn't another hallucination.

"Shouldn't you be at school ?"

I cleared my throat and almost stood up, but decided to stay seated so he wouldn't see my shaking knees.

You're going completely mad.

"I wanted to go home", I said, "I asked Hawks to make up an excuse so they'd let me go"

You're losing your mind.

"I wanted to go home," I said, "I asked Hawks to make up an excuse so they'd let me go"

There's something serously wrong with you.

"What about you ?"

You're going to end up dead and the only person you can blame is yourself.

"What are you doing all alone in the dark ?"

His eyebrows were furrowed.

I shrugged.

"Couldn't sleep"

He massaged his nose with one hand, exhausted, his eyes swollen with fatigue as if he was going to collapse any second, then he sighed.

"Come here"

He motioned for me to follow him to the veranda, where he sat down on the edge of the terrace, his feet on the crackling frozen lawn.

I let myself fall beside him, my knee knocking against his.

The night was cold, the sky dark.

The white lawn, covered in frost, gave the place an unreal aspect, as if we were in a realm that things and people could only reach once they were dead.

Dad took off his shoes, then his socks, and put his feet on the grass as if to cool off.

Then he slowly bent down and began to rub his feet.

His expression relaxed as he worked on them.

"Blisters ?", I asked.

"A beginning of arthritis," he said. "It used to be limited to my feet but now it's going up my legs"

I gave him a sideways glance.

"You're not old enough to have this kind of thing"

He laughed softly.

"I am old. Every day that passes brings me closer to the end. When I'm dead-"

I clicked my tongue against the roof of my mouth and jerked his hands away from his feet, silencing him and forcing him to sit up.

"Stop saying things like that"

I hated the way he said it, like his death was something I couldn't prevent, like it was an inevitability I just had to get used to.

I crouched down in front of him, my hands hovering above his ankles, a genjutsu shrouding us from the outside world.

"It's not very nice of you to bully your old, frail and sick father"

"I'm not bullying anyone"

A green light burst from my palms, casting shadowed blades of grass on his legs as I soothed his pain.

I looked up at him, observing his curious expression as he watched me.

"Is that better ?"

"Hmmm"

I could have stopped once the pain had subsided, but I preferred to carry on, healing micro-cracks, bruises and a whole range of other things he could avoid if he finally retired.

"We could go and live in Italy like you suggested," I said without looking at him, the light shining on my face. "You'd retire, I'd leave Yuei, and we'd stop Grandma from becoming dictator of Europe"

He scoffed, but I saw the shadow of a smile on his lips.

"You love your grandmother because you seldom see her, but believe me, Teka is anything but easy to get along with"

I shrugged.

"She's funny"

"Moody," he said sarcastically.

"She'd kill you if she could hear you"

"I'm too old to be afraid of my mother"

I wondered how anyone could ever get old enough to stop being afraid of Teka Todoroki.

That old witch would bury us all, I'd bet my life on it.

"I know you, Shoto," he said, all traces of amusement gone from his tone. "You're conscientious and methodical. If you - or rather we, because I know you wouldn't leave without me - are still in Japan despite all the revelations of the last few months, it's because you think you're capable of dealing with absolutely anything that might happen"

I concentrated a bit longer to deal with a micro crack in his left knee.

"Don't you think that's weird ?", I said 'When I was a kid, there were all these people and organizations that wanted me just because of you, and now..."

It was a miracle that no one killed me while I was recovering from draining all of my chakra.

I thought it was because my father and All Might were in the hospital - they'd literally taken up residence there while things calmed down - but I expected assassination attempts to start as soon as I got out.

"I don't know" I said. "But everything is too still"

Too easy, too quiet.

I felt like everything was about to blow up in my face.

"You've always been too anxious, Shoto. You know, a normal life isn't about feeling bad when things are going too well and wondering when things are going to go wrong. You're too used to things being complicated. You told me you were working on a big project, right ? So finish it while you've got time, and don't bother trying to figure out the whys and wherefores. Enjoy the reprieve while it lasts ; we'll deal with the problems later"

He's probably right.

Things were getting a little weird in my head lately, and I was always either very anxious or so calm that I felt like I was losing touch with my own emotions. I chalked it up to tiredness.

But it was nice to talk to him. I always felt much better afterwards.

I felt a sudden surge of affection for him.

"I like you, you know"

He looked at me, stunned.

Then he burst out laughing.

"I hope you do like me, indeed"

I was supposed to distract him, he was supposed to give me my alibi, but in the end I was the one who was distracted and lost track of time.

I was glad to see him laughing like that : I had the impression he was smiling less nowadays.

"You'd think that-"

-00h49

His cell phone vibrated.

He pulled it mechanically from his pocket, the bluish screen lighting up his face.

"...I deserve better than some 'I like you', but-"

He fell silent, his face turning pale so quickly that even his lips went white.

"Dad ?"

Breathless, eyes haggard, he sprang to his feet and ran back in the house.

*

A/N : If you want to read ahead of schedule up to 27 chapters, go check the story's P@treon, Nar_cisseENG