Chapter 14

Sanya...

I was dumbfounded when Adam's lips touched mine. I didn't know what to do and how to react. I just stood there, staring. I felt like my brain suddenly stopped functioning. I didn't expect this to happen, maybe because I knew we hated each other. I always thought that kissing me would be the last thing he would want to do—or maybe I just thought so.

I was about to close my eyes when my phone started ringing.

Thank God! Saved by the bell!

He moved away from me, and we briefly locked eyes before I turned around and took my cellphone from my bag, then entered my room. I didn't want to wait for him to say anything. I knew he would pester me with endless questions.

"Hey Sanya!"

"Oh, hey Kyra. What is it?"

"I just called to ask if you're ready. Remember, the outing is in 2 days."

"I'm just getting ready. I still need to buy some things to bring."

"Okay, cool. Let's go shopping together tomorrow, and then we can stay at Alexa's condo from Saturday night until Monday morning. It's closer to school, so we won't have a hard time getting there by 4:30 am, right? I already talked to Alexa, and she's okay with it."

"I prefer that too," right, because I didn't want to talk to Adam right now. I knew he would bother me, and the best thing to do was avoid him.

"Okay, see you tomorrow."

"Yeah, sure," I said, and Kyra ended the call. I sighed in relief.

As soon as the call ended, he came back to my mind. How I wish I could do something about it, like keeping myself busy to avoid thinking about the person I hate the most right now—Adam.

Ugh! I thought about him again. I didn't even want to mention his name, but that's what happened. I hate it! I hate him! I hate all these unknown emotions I can't explain.

When I kissed him this afternoon, I was also shocked by my action. Maybe it was just because of the hangover, but it didn't mean anything to me.

'If I kiss you right now. Is it nothing? Won't you feel anything?'

Damn him! Why do I remember what he said as if his voice is engraved in my mind? As if he's still speaking in front of me?

I looked at myself in the mirror. "Is it really nothing, Sanya?" I sighed again and frowned. "Are you crazy, Sanya?" I took another deep breath and bit my lip. "Can't you see? You're getting influenced by the weirdness of that guy because of all his random questions."

That kiss was so simple, we both didn't move, our lips just met. It was that simple, but why? Why is it the last thing I think about before I sleep?

I smiled when Kyra approached me. "Sorry, I just read your message. You're so early; the mall isn't even open yet. We're ahead," she laughed while talking. At 6 am, I had already texted her that I was in a 24-hour coffee shop near the mall where we planned to go shopping.

"It's because I didn't sleep much."

"Why not?"

"I don't know, maybe just excited," I lied. The truth was, I kept waking up and felt breathless, my heart pounding for an unexplainable reason. So, I tried to calm myself and go back to sleep until I no longer felt drowsy.

Kyra smiled. "Excited about the outing? When did that happen?" I chuckled at what she said.

"Maybe because it's the first time we're having a camping outing, not just sightseeing. You know, the usual stuff gets boring."

"Oh yeah, I requested that. You know, they couldn't deny me."

I shook my head. At least we'll enjoy the outing more compared to the previous ones.

"So, uhm, Sanya. How's married life?"

Shit! Why did she have to bring it up now, at a time when I didn't want to think about it?

"What kind of question is that?"

"Nah! I'm just asking. You know, the school already knows you two are married. So, you and Zhymian, how are you?"

"We're okay," I replied indifferently.

"Okay? What does that mean? Okay, like everything's fine? Or okay, I don't want to talk about him kind of okay?"

I rolled my eyes. "The second one."

She laughed at my response. "You know what, Sanya? I never really expected you to be married this early. Honestly, I thought you would be the last one to get married or marry no one at all. But now, you beat me to it."

"You know that the kind of marriage we have is not like the others out there."

"I know, but have you never thought of... you know," she shrugged.

I pondered. "I highly doubt it. Zhymian and I? It will never happen. First of all, I don't want it. I don't like men, especially him. So please, don't bring that up again. I'm tired of these repetitive questions."

"Repetitive questions? Who asks you these?" she curiously asked.

"Tora. I'm tired of her jokes about me and that crazy guy, so please, don't add to it."

"Noted, Ma'am Chrisanya," she laughed again.

Since it was still early, and we were waiting for the mall to open, we had a lot more to talk about. Anything and everything, we never ran out of topics—celebrities, the fashion industry, music, business, school gossip, until we ended up discussing love.

"Maybe that's how it is," I said, looking into the distance, as our conversation shifted to loveless marriages—those unions where people come together for money, convenience, or status but lack love, like mine with Adam. "What do you think?" I asked, looking at her.

"Is that how you see it?" I nodded. "Why? So, you don't believe there's someone out there meant for you?"

I laughed at her statement. "That's bullshit, Kyra. I thought you learned that by now."

I shook my head, and she just stared at me as if waiting for what I would say next, but I remained quiet. "Why do you think it's nonsense?"

"Look at my parents. If that kind of love they talk about is real, why are my parents like that? No love? They're just together for me," I sighed.

"Do you really think they didn't love you, or at least each other?"

I sighed again. "If I felt that they loved me, would I be like this now? Kyra, you know I grew up in a family without love. How can I believe in something I've never experienced my whole life?" she fell silent after my words. "I don't know. Maybe it's just me, or maybe the truth is, love is really not for me, and perhaps I'll never understand or experience it."

"So, you haven't really loved anyone?"

"Of course, I have. My friends, and my first love, were my family—my mom and dad. Yet, instead of doing their best to protect the love I had for them, they were the first ones to break my heart. How can I love others if they can't even love me? You see, I have nothing more to give in terms of love. I grew up in a family without love, so how can I believe in something I've never felt my whole life?"

"Take care. You might end up falling too much in love with yourself later. That's not good," Kyra teased, trying to lighten the mood. As I took a sip, she suddenly asked again, "What about babies?"

I nearly choked on what she said and coughed. "I'm sorry I didn't mean to surprise you with my question. I was just thinking, what do you think?"

"Tell me, are we on a talk show?" I chuckled when she handed me a tissue, and she laughed at my remark. "I haven't thought about that, and I don't want to. How would I have children?"

"Well, hello, you're married, right?"

"And do you think we'll have children?" I raised an eyebrow.

"Well, it's possible, you're married, after all."

"Kyra, I just said, didn't I? We don't even agree on anything, and now you're thinking we'll have a child. Just the thought of us making a baby gives me the creeps; imagine, me having a child with him? He's just lucky."

"Oh, come on."

"But seriously, Kyra, I don't want to think about having children, especially with Adam," Kyra stared at me in surprise. "Oh, why?"

"It's the first time I've heard you call him by his first name."

"Oh, what's the big deal?" I frowned at her. "That's his name, right?"

She shook her head. "Nothing, maybe I'm just used to you calling him crazy, idiot, lunatic, Zhymian, so hearing his real name is a bit different."

"That's all? But Kyra, I'm serious. Think about it; Zhymian and I don't love each other. If we were to have a baby, it would be pitiful. He'd grow up in a family without love, just like mine. He'd stay because there's a reputation to protect publicly, but in reality, his father has many women, and his mother has no time for him."

Kyra held my hand on the table. "Why? Won't you love him?"

"I will. I'm just afraid I'll hurt him, just like the pain I've experienced. I'm afraid he'll end up like me."

"I think you won't be like that."

"If we keep talking, it's as if you think I'm really going to have a child," we laughed together, and I looked at the clock on my left hand. "Oh, it's already 10:30, the mall is already open, let's go."

"Oh, right? Time flies," she said, and we quickly stood up to go shopping.