My fears and insecurities

Aisha

I get to his car and he places his hand on my waist, almost like in his mind he is being a gentleman but I don't want him to touch me. Ada is actually right, I need to be very clear with him. I need to tell him how I feel—or in this case how I don't feel. Sal is the best guy I have ever met. There is actually nothing wrong with him. in the office, all the girls are swooning over him, all the guys want to be his friend. the fact that I don't feel the way everyone thinks I should feel for him sometimes bothers me. I think that there might be something really wrong with me.

Maybe there is but at the end of it all, I don't have feelings for him. I don't see myself spending the rest of my life with him. it is all very hard for me to express and maybe that is why he still thinks there is a chance between us. the fact that I don't even think there is anything special about me just tops the confusion inside me. I have always had this insecurity with my weight. Having always been on the bigger side, there are just a lot of things that make me question things. Like the fact that I know that Uju in the office is head over heels in love with Salam and he still has eyes for me, it confuses me. Uju is like the most beautiful girl in the office. Her figure is one that I wish I had. The flat tummy, big butt, and boobs. You know the whole shebang. I am the opposite of her, my tummy has flesh, so much so that sometimes, I wish I could just cut it off. most times, I have to watch what I wear, I look in the mirror a million times before I leave the house. make sure that my butt doesn't look too big, my tummy isn't protruding in the shirt I am wearing, all those things.

Sal doesn't see all those sides of me, he says I am the most beautiful woman he has ever laid eyes on. That no one can compare to me.

I don't know if I believe him and even with all his flattery and all my trying to see him as a man, I haven't been able to get my heart to respond to him. I haven't been able to love him the way he says he loves me.

He opens the door for me, just as Ada walks over to her car with a wink "Where are you guys off to?'' she asks, her attempt at trying to be nosy, even though I already told her that he was taking me out after work.

"None of your business,''

"To Flowershop,''

We both answer her at the same time. I roll my eyes because he can't tell that she is being sarcastic. I can see right through her. I know she is just teasing me because she wants me to be honest with him. I don't know how much more honest I can be. He is stubborn and he wants what he wants. I don't know what else to do.

"Ooh, I hear it is quite pricey,'' she mutters almost like she is deep in thought "Is this like a date?'' she questions mischievously, I know what she wants. She wants me to deny it like she has been advising me to.

"Not a date, just hanging out,'' I butt in immediately. I look at Salam to see his reaction but his expression is blank. I don't think he is thinking too much into this. this is just random for him. he is not bothered by my remark as he smiles at Ada. "We have to get going,'' he tells her, still holding onto the passenger door. He is waiting to close it for me.

"Have fun,'' she winks at me as she walks back to her car. My phone rings in my bag and I bring it out to see my father's picture on the screen. Danjuma Musa. The man I have always looked up to. I like his determination, his hard work, the love he has for his family. I have always thought he was a brave man. Fighting against the odd, being a good parent to his children. yes, I know I want a different path from him, I don't want the life he is living. I want excitement, I want pure unfiltered love. He grew up in an arranged marriage. My mother might be the reason why I am on this earth but I know for a fact that they didn't love each other when they got married. Even now, I see the way they look at each other. It is almost like an obligation like they have no choice. I don't want that.

I want to choose who I spend the rest of my life with.

"You going to answer that?'' Salam asks me calmly.

I press the green button and his voice blares immediately I press the phone in my ear "Yes baba,'' I answer.

"When are you coming home?'' he asks me.

This is what he does, he always wants to know my whereabouts. I appreciate his concern and I love his daily check-ups but I am an adult and I would like to be treated like one "I am going out for dinner,'' I tell him honestly, just as Salam starts the car.

"Who?''

I don't know if it is a good idea to tell him that I am going out with Salam. I already know how it will end up if I do but if I don't give him a name, he will have more questions. I don't think I can win in this situation. I guess I just have to be honest.

"Salam,'' I tell him, deciding to go for the honest answer.

I can already picture his smiling face. the joy he must be feeling, knowing that it is with the man he has chosen for me. suddenly, I hate the honesty I just gave him. "Why do you need to spend so much money going out, bring him to the house, your mother is making tuwo chinkafa and miyan taushe."

I am about to object but he doesn't give me the chance as he ends the call. I hold the phone with both hands as Salam glances at me "How is he?'' he manages, taking his eyes back to the road. I don't know how I am supposed to invite him to my house now. I don't want to but it is starting to look like I don't have a say in this. like no matter what I do, I will end up like my father. I don't want to be like him. I don't want to wake up next to Salam every day for the rest of my life. I don't want him to be the only man I will ever kiss, the only man I will make love to.

I don't love him.