Chapter 35 - Portrait

Instead of heading straight back to the dorms, I met up with Nicholas at the same café we had initially met at, as per his request.

"Is something wrong? Why did you suddenly ask to meet up?" I asked since we barely exchange words unless it was necessary, so meeting up outside was rather strange for us.

"It's been a while since we properly spoke, I just wanted to spend some time together." He takes a sip of his coffee as he leisurely settles in, quickly looking at home. "Everything has gone down well with my parents, with regard to the idea of waiting for the engagement. I assume it's the same for you given that you haven't spoken about it since we initially devised the plan. But I didn't bring you here to talk about such boring matters."

"What did you bring me here for then?" I furrow my eyebrows, not making sense of why he would want to spend time with me for no good reason.

"Company? I've got nothing to do, I might as well spend some time out with you."

"So I'm the entertainment?" I faked my anger but seeing his face change to that of regret, I quickly retracted my statement. "I was kidding, I know what you meant. Are you so lonely that you need to spend time with me?"

He sighs. "I would rather you not make me out to be a loner. What's wrong with wanting your company?"

"I'm hardly good company." I speak at the table.

"Now you're just beating yourself up over nothing. Anyway, it doesn't matter what you think, I decide who I want to be surrounded with. Alright?" We haven't known each other long but he knew how to steer the conversation in a way I would be most comfortable with. Neither of us were built for serious conversations which must be why we get along so well. We knew we could come out of our conversations without any negative feelings. There was a false sense of safety we would build through avoiding our problems, but it was comforting to be distracted.

"Sure. Though I'm certain I also have a say in whether I want to spend time with you, wouldn't you agree?"

"Are you saying you didn't miss me? I'm so hurt, I can't believe my fiancée would treat me like this." His melodramatic acting was worsening by the day, as he put on the face of a broken hearted individual.

"I see you around all the time. You do realise that right?" I was half joking and half serious, not understanding why he wanted us to meet up when we were still little more than acquaintances outside of our public persona. 

"So? You can still miss me, can you not?"

"Alright alright, there's no point wasting time arguing with you and going around in circles." I leaned in with my face resting on my hands as I put on a large smile. "Yes my dearest fiancé, who cannot spend a single moment alone, I missed you terribly. My heart was threatening to rip out of my chest every second I spent away from you. What have I done to deserve such torment?"

"I knew it! After all, who wouldn't miss someone as handsome as I?" He looked triumphant in the way a child would celebrate every small accomplishment. 

"... Did you just praise yourself unironically?"

"I am merely a man of truth. Is it considered arrogant if I am only being honest?"

"Well actually... Yes. It is."

He crossed his arms and looked down at his lap with a small pout. It annoyed me that he knew exactly what he was doing, but I still played right into his hands and gave him what he wanted anyway.

"Though I suppose it's difficult not to be when you look like that." It was consolation that was little more than lip service. They were half sincere but since he wasn't serious, it didn't matter either way. It was still a compliment, regardless of how roundabout it may have been. He looked up and smiled at me mischievously so it must have worked. 

"Ahem, what's the plan for today then?" I wanted to get straight to the point as he had yet to tell me what I was doing here, rather than back at my dorm resting.

"Well, I don't think either of us want to merely sit here and talk. That's why I came prepared!" Before I could ask what he meant, he lifted his bag from the side of his chair and placed it on the table between us. As he opened it and began taking out art material, I had a faint idea of what he was planning. 

"What do you think about drawing?" 

"I'd really enjoy that." It was true, I loved art but couldn't allow myself to get immersed in it. There was still a part of me that refused to let myself have hobbies, chastising myself for not using my time more effectively. Just for now, in this space, I might allow myself enjoy what I love once more.

"But what would we draw?" 

"What else would we draw but each other?" His reaction made it seem as though he genuinely hadn't considered any other alternative, like drawing one another was always the only answer.

"I'm starting to think you just wanted me to do a portrait of you." It was a statement but it was meant as somewhat of a question.

"While I cannot deny enjoying having all of your attention, that's not why I suggested it."

"Then?"

"Who knows ~" he evaded my question as he organised the materials and split them between us. "Now then, let's get started my love."

The moment I began dragging the pencil across the paper, I knew that was it. I would lose track of time and focus all of my attention on completing the drawing. There was something therapeutic about it. When I drew, I couldn't afford to think. Picking out every detail I was trying to depict would occupy my entire mind leaving me unable to think about anything else. It was one of the better ways to stop my over thinking, but it wasn't nearly as productive as exercising for me. It simply didn't align with what I wanted for my future so I couldn't afford to spend time on it. I was jealous of May for being able to pursue art without fear because even in my carelessness, I chose swordsmanship since it would benefit me. Being stronger would always be of use to me. So even when it came to what I enjoyed, I had to give up many things up to feed my nonsensical mind.

Initially I had expected Nicholas to joke around while drawing but I could not have been more wrong. Every time I looked up to capture his features, I saw seriousness looking back. He was inspecting every part of my face with concentration that didn't suit him, or perhaps it did and I had not yet adjusted to it. We both spent quite a while in comfortable silence, trying our best to capture one another's features on a single piece of paper, neither of us paying much attention to anything else. Even when we were looking at one another, we weren't. In front of us, we saw no more than an art project. It wasn't until I saw a faint pink glow beginning to rest on his shoulders that I realised we had already spent nearly an hour on this. The second I realised that, I could feel my neck aching from the slouched position I had remained in, despite me previously being oblivious to it. I knew I should call out to Nicholas so we could start heading back however, I felt I had to simply sit and watch him for a while. The light from outside strongly contrasted his dark hair, but it made him look softer with the glow encompassing him. Once in a while I would see him furrow his eyebrows, when he could quite get something to look the way he wanted it to. As he continued to look down at his sheet of paper I could see his long eyelashes fanning out over his cheeks alongside a faint scar on his left eyebrow that I hadn't noticed before.

"Babe, you're making me shy with all of the staring." He purposely made his voice higher in pitch as he began to cover his face with his hands with unconvincing bashfulness.

"I guess I'll stop looking then. On a separate note, I realised that quite some time has passed, how much have you finished?"

"You could say I've already finished... It's not perfect, but here you go." He handed me his sheet.

Looking down at his drawing I was in awe. His usage of colours was one that could not help but attract the eyes. It was distinct from most others' as each one felt purposeful not for accuracy, but for the emotion it is made to evoke.

"What do you mean it's not perfect? I love it! I much prefer this style over hyperrealism. To me, it is perfect." After a short pause I spoke up again awkwardly. "Can I - Can I keep it?"

"Of course, it's yours to take. I'll be taking your one too, I wasn't even going to ask for permission." He laughs, but I was too busy with my excitement to hear the second sentence.

Looking back at the drawing to admire it once more, I couldn't stop my elation. Here I was, through the eyes of another. There was something about how he drew it that made me feel better. It was most certainly me, but it didn't evoke the same feeling of disgust I would often feel when I'd see my reflection. It most likely comes down to the fact that this isn't exactly how I looked but that didn't matter. I felt like with this small thing, I could change how I saw myself. I wondered whether to keep it safe in a drawer or to frame it, conversing with myself in my mind, oblivious to Nicholas calling out to me.

"Hello~ can you hear me?" He began to wave a hand in between my face and his drawing to catch my attention.

"Hmm? Sorry, what was that?"

"I was saying we should head back soon because I some have work to do."

"Sure, that's fine." I began help pack up the supplies he had brought with him. "Wait. You asked to meet up with me just so that we could hang out for an hour? That too when you have significantly more important things to attend to?"

"I'm never too busy to relax. On a completely unrelated note, how are you feeling?" He was grinning ear to ear, not at all trying to deny the implications.

Ah, he must have wanted to make sure I was okay. It wasn't his boredom he was curing, it was mine. "I'm good, thanks... I'm genuinely feeling a lot better right now." Unable to stop it, my smile was growing just as wide as his. I guess happiness wasn't out of reach. It was in the little things, but I refused to see it.

"That's all that matters then."

He walked me back to my dorm before running back to get to his unfinished business. I, on the other hand, was quick to get changed into comfortable clothes and laze about.