Chapter 33 - Breathe

It appears as though Theodore was not all talk. Just as he had told me that he would take care of everything, he proved himself to be a man of action rather than only words. Given his popularity it didn't take much time at all for everyone to believe his words over that of the source of rumours. In stark contrast to his new position as a victim, the perpetrator now held the role of a jealous girl, spiteful about the rejection she faced from him. As such, she is said to have done anything to harm Theodore's reputation along with mine, as I had been a target the moment she had seen the two of us together on the first day. If that was in fact the reason as to why she spread the rumours then there would certainly be countless more. He was too popular for his own good, any association with him was harmful in that way. But I've never been known as someone who purposely acts in a certain way to avoid criticism. I embrace them with all of my heart, even as they break me down. This pride may one day be the death of me but I wanted to unashamedly be myself. 

Though my reputation had not returned to his original position, as I would receive more criticism than Theodore regardless of my innocence, there was a significant difference over the days. At first little had changed but as he remained adamant, perhaps out of a sense of responsibility, I noticed fewer people watching my every move. Little by little, things were going back to the way they should have been, at least in my eyes. The harsh stares settled down until they were negligible and I no longer found myself up on a guillotine, a moment away from tragedy. Throughout the entire ordeal I made sure to be myself and continue as I otherwise would have, making others disinterested in me. I knew they wanted any reaction from me but I didn't want to feed their greed. As these changes were taking place, I knew I should have felt happy but I just couldn't. I was suffocating from the expectations I had to meet.

In an attempt to breathe in fresh air for now I went and sat on the balcony. While I was here, I was neither in the dorm nor outside. On the boundary between the two, I was no longer straining under the expectations of those in the dorm or the outside world. As I let out an exasperated sigh I could see the white mist forming around me from the cold that blanketed this city. Too much time had passed needlessly. I had lost a week for that one 5 minute interaction I had with Theodore. I felt pathetic as I slowly began to lose any hope for the future. It's just too damn easy to give up and dwell on every little thing. On the other hand, picking myself back up to try to change something about myself was too difficult. I live in a very delicate balance of war and peace between that which exists and that which does not. I force the world to accept me just as much as the world forces me to accept it. We are old friends, tired enemies, speaking of the past reluctantly and finding life among our words. Life has always been a series of contradictions that I tried to understand but have been unable to. At some point, through forcing the world to accept me, I understood only that I longed to accept myself. 

I was trying to push myself with the hope I had borrowed from others, but I was so deep in debt that I didn't know what to do. As I sat and inhaled, I filled the streets with emptiness, with prayers, with silence. If I had to decide one thing I was most afraid of, it would be destiny. What would I do if I found out that I was trying to escape something that was impossible to outrun? If I continue along this maze, will I find that the only exit is what had already been prescribed to me, before my birth, before man can to be? But most importantly, would it be better to resign to my fate and give up? I couldn't begin to count how many times I had the same thought, aware that giving up was now my hobby. By tomorrow I would have the will to live on but for today, let me just feel. Even if it no good and only pains me, I want to embrace this part of me. I was a coward, there was no way around it. Every night I would feel my resolve fading into nothingness, as my body sunk into the bed. Yet every day I would wake up and find the strength I had lost. I was a coward and I was a warrior. The sun would only see the best of me and shine upon me in pride, while the moon would witness my weakness and cower in shame. Why must I fear death when we embrace each other every night, yet I wake up to hope every morning staring back at me? 

My thoughts were always like this, uncontrollable. They would always cause me to spiral into despair but eventually I would find my way back. Even if I couldn't imagine an end to my dissatisfaction, I knew it would come eventually. My life was a repetitive cycle of pain and healing. In the process I learned to trust myself. Regardless of how badly I was bleeding, I would make it out and finally see that the grass really is greener on the other side. One day hope would be mine and it would be here to stay. When that day comes, I would no longer need to borrow strength from others. I was tired of being given things only for them to be taken away. I would finally build up the courage to have strength of my own. I remained seated for a while longer, wishing to stay on this border where only I existed. One day I wouldn't need to escape to such a place any longer, I would be able to go out into the world with my head held high. The change would mark the moment of my true birth. Something big would come out of it and the air would be so much cleaner than I could have ever imagined. It would smell like honey and taste like freedom. I would breathe it in until my veins were overflowing with sweetness and all that confined me would cease to exist. The shackles around my feet would be taken off, so for the first time they could feel something other than boundaries against their skin. They would feel change rubbing against their bruises and instead of pain, they would taste healing. 

Tomorrow would be the start of the second week. Having gone through the introductory week, the lessons were going to properly begin from now. Sleep was evading me though it knew how desperately I would need rest. Maybe I would be too busy to worry about useless things or maybe I would collapse under the stress that came with academic success. Would I be able to maintain grades which were not the best, but far from average? Well, what was the use in fretting over it now when I would be finding out soon enough? With that I began to head back in, wishing the stars a goodnight. Just before I turned around I could see someone in the distance also on their balcony, facing me. It was much too far for me to be able to make out who it was, it must be the same for them. We were two strangers but at the moment we were the same. We were the only people to exist here, in this time and place. Only we were here to witness the soft breeze and the smell of the grass wafting towards the west. In my loneliness I could never be alone, for here was another person mirroring me, seeming to be experiencing my same pain. I wished that the night could heal them as it did me before I turned and closed the door behind me. 

The following day I realised that I was concerned for no reason. The lessons had not been as difficult as I had been thinking and were relatively easy to keep up with. Although there were many aspects in which I was lacking given that I started learning about some topics late compared to others, I had given it my all which meant that I was no longer as a disadvantage in comparison to my classmates. With such a routine filled life, it was rare for there to be any extremely noteworthy event. However, one thing I had found interesting was Dimitris' involvement with our friend group. It was natural to see him a few times as he dotes on his sister, but this far surpassed the level of a loving sibling. Did I not have a brother of my own who I could draw a comparison with? Dimitris would often come up to us for no reason at all, occasionally spending time with us under the guise of missing May. No matter how hard he tried though, we could read him like a book. He had been trying his utmost to appeal to Elina but instead looked pitiful due to how dense she was. Even though that was the case, he never once faltered. He was happy just being in her presence, having no desire for reciprocity. He was selfless to a degree that I knew I could never achieve. 

While he was comfortable without being the subject of her affection, I was always someone who craved acceptance. I wanted to write my name somewhere to prove my existence, whether it be in a place or on a person. I had always felt like time was standing still and I was the only one moving, but in actuality life is going on all around me, without me, and I am just trying to find my place in it. Everything had it's only place and I am trying to fit myself between them, trying to write my name on the top of a wall too high for me to climb, trying to write my name in sand that has not choice but to be washed away. I am just afraid of vanishing into thin air. I want to write my name anywhere that can remember me, even when I cannot. What would I do if I was regarded as necessary one second and easily discarded the next? I have not yet learned to swim well enough to know that I could safely make it ashore. Independence is still out of my grasp so I cannot help my selfishness.

My mind began wandering again so I brought myself back to reality, watching Dimitris finally looking his own age as he sat opposite Elina. From the look on her face, it seemed as though she had accepted his presence and considered him a friend by now. Like that, we had reluctantly gained a new member in our friend group. Though I was thankful for the fact that he was too busy with his own studies to constantly hound us. They were an interesting pair. If eyes were the windows to the soul, how different were theirs? I knew Dimitris was generally nice but from my knowledge of the future, I knew his dark and piercing eyes could never hold the same innocence as Elina's dazzling blue eyes. Here was proof that opposites attract, as Dimitris couldn't help but be drawn to her. For him, liking her was the same as breathing, it came to him naturally and kept him alive. But I couldn't hold what had not yet occured against him, it wouldn't be fair and I feared guilt. Staying on the sidelines with May and Charlotte, I decided that I would do my best to be on good terms with him, but I felt no need to be genuine friends. I don't suppose that would cause any problems as his attention was elsewhere to begin with.

Time remaining: 115 days