Chapter 28 - Pace

"Are you okay?" Charlotte asks with a concerned voice.

A short break between lessons had just started and before I could voice my response, Elina and May had gathered around me. Their faces seemed to be mirroring Charlotte's, clearly waiting to her my answer. Although it came from a good place, it was hard to fight the feeling of being caged in. At times it's good to show concern but I would have preferred if they had ignored the earlier incident. The eyes on me felt itchy on my skin, pressing against me until my lungs barely had enough room to move.

"I'm fine", I smile. 

Before I could utter words of apology for worrying them, I catch Theodore's eyes from the other side of the room. He was watching me with his usual face but it felt like he knew what I was thinking. He seemed to somehow be scolding me before I even did anything. Were we close enough to read each other in this way? I don't think so.

"Thanks for asking", I say to them instead, not breaking eye contact with him until I had finished speaking. I swiftly turn my head back to face the three. They all physically relax at my words so I must have chosen the right answer. There was light chatter amongst us as we packed up our thing to find our next classroom. Given the size of the buildings, it seems as though we won't have the opportunity to sit down and relax, as we'd be preoccupied with finding our way around for the next few days. 

While I was generally by Elina's side, resulting in some of the spotlight being shone on me, today I wanted to stick to the shadows. It was hard at times to constantly be by someone who was at the centre of everything, whether it be adoration or envy. There would inevitably be comparison between the two of us. Where she was the sun, I was the moon, only visible when she graces me with her presence. Struggling to understand why my heart felt so unsettled, I was running from the slightest bit of attention. Although I was contributing to conversations between us, I hid behind the three, speaking as little as possible to erase my presence. I wanted to be like the passing wind, here one moment and gone another. As luck would have it, the next lesson was where we would all part ways. Feeling somewhat happy that I could have a moment of silence away from them, I quickly made my way towards the changing rooms to get ready. 

The training uniform was extremely simple. As it was a male dominated field, all of the clothes were tailored for men. As such, women's training uniform was mostly the same with a few sizing adjustments but it was nothing extra, as all parts of the uniform were tailored to fit each student. I was extremely happy to see that there were other female students, previously worried about being the only girl and how that would affect people's perceptions of me, another concern to add to the books.

As this was the first lesson, there would only be simple exercises to build up our strength. In a way, this too was an introductory lesson. However, rather than introducing ourselves to one another, only the teacher held that role. The environment was clearly much different than it had been in the previous lesson but that didn't mean it was bad. For me, who was hoping not to have to talk much, this was perfect. Others could socialise as they wished and I could focus solely on exercising without needing to think about anything or anyone. 

If there was one thing that I enjoyed during times of discomfort, it was to put my all in to exercising. Somehow I felt like I was stamping out my own feeling with every step I took of my run. They say that exercise releases chemicals such as dopamine to help people feel better, but for me it was much simpler. It was cathartic. I would release any negative emotions through the form of overexertion, knowing that as long as I was physically preoccupied, I wouldn't have the time to dwell on unnecessary thoughts. The time spent catching my breath would be the priority in my mind. With heavy breaths I could not focus on anything but the movement of my lungs, craving more oxygen than they were receiving.

Although many people were pairing up to help one another, I distanced myself, longing for solitude once more. In the midst of chatter and laughter, I continued to push myself to expel any bad thoughts. Though I tried to keep going I could quickly feel fatigue catching up in the way that my legs began to feel weak. Every move felt like it would tip me off balance but I was too stubborn to quit until I knew there was no other choice. With aching muscles that were somehow hard to feel, I continued. It hadn't been long since the lesson had started and yet I was already exhausted. While training should be more like a marathon, I was treating it like a sprint race. The speed at which I moved was not the best way to train, but there was no other way to break away from my mind. I needed to be all in or everything would fall apart quickly. Aware that my legs were shaking, I put more strength into my legs to keep going for as long as possible. Determined to do two more lunges before taking a break. I've never been good at pacing myself, always pushing myself until I was on the brink of collapsing, it's no wonder I often wake up with muscle pain. All or nothing, it was a toxic mindset that I struggled to shake. As I sat down with a thud, Nicholas used the opportunity to approach me, sitting down by my side. 

"Aren't you tired?" he asks through his breathlessness. Seeing him like this, there was no doubt in my mind that had I not stopped, he would've pushed himself farther. It seems he was watching me to match my pace.

"Shouldn't you pace yourself?" I ask back. 

"Look at the pot calling the kettle black", he answers with sarcasm.

I sigh through my own breathlessness. "Why did you come here?"

"I figured it'd be good for people to see us together as soon as possible", he shrugs. "Besides, you're like me." He didn't need to elaborate for me to know what he meant.

Although everyone here had similar goals, most people did not like to do more than what was necessary, finding no reason to work for no reward. While there were a couple of other people who looked as haggard as the two of us, majority of the class were hardly breaking a sweat. Once more I felt guilty. He was looking at me as though we truly were the same, but I knew our motivation was different. In a sense, the sweat clinging to his skin was proof of his dedication while mine was only proof of my impurity, signs of the numerous thoughts and feelings that corrupt my mind. 

Nicholas once again filled the silence. "Why aren't you out there making friends?"

"They'd much prefer if I didn't approach them", I laugh halfheartedly.

"Are you sure?"

I instantly think of a way to change the topic, uncomfortable with where this conversation was headed. 

"You know, you don't need to work so hard. Take it slow." They were sloppy words of comfort but I hoped they would be taken well. 

"You should take your own advice." His voice was suddenly more serious, no longer hiding behind his general mischievous demeanor. 

"I'm not doing it for the class." 

"I wasn't talking about the class." He was looking at me like he could see right through me. In front of these eyes, I was afraid to move, to breathe. Seeing me tense up, he relaxed his body to seem more halfhearted.

"Since we both met, haven't we both known we're in the same boat? We're both tirelessly running from something. Isn't that why we're here like this, while the others are spending the time to socialise?" He gestures with his head towards the group behind us speaking amicably with one another.

I didn't have anything to say to that. What would I say anyway? I was running away from numerous things, sometimes even from myself. Despite my greatest efforts to hide behind a smile, the people around me could see right through my facade. A vulnerability I didn't like came to the surface every time someone would speak to me seriously. Somehow I both wanted people to comfort me, and was afraid of being serious. Because seriousness leads to certainty. If I continued to be flippant about my own struggles, I couldn't blame others for their response. But if I sincerely ask for help and receive nothing, what am I left with but a broken heart? Fear of rejection continued to hold me hostage. Any form of closeness was a mantrap, waiting to catch me and bring me to the execution hall. Once again, seeing that I would not respond, he decides to take the lead.

"You can take my words however you want. I just don't want to see you get hurt babe." His tone was back to the one I knew. Maybe we're both more alike than I would like to think, masking our insecurities with insincerity.

"Thanks, love. I'll be careful... you should do the same." I sit back with my arms behind me providing me with support.

There was nothing more to say to one another. We sat in silence until we were rested enough to continue training, occasionally glancing at each other but not saying a word.