Chapter 29 - Picking a fight

Throughout the rest of the lesson, despite my best efforts, I couldn't force a smile as well as usual. Had I always been so bad at pretending? It must be so, given how often I had felt seen by those around me. There is no other explanation for it. My facial muscles were aching just as much as those in my legs, quietly surrendering to the storm that was making its way into my mind. Nicholas' words were wandering aimlessly through my head. I tried not to think about them but it was useless, they were annoyingly intrusive. Although he hadn't said it directly I knew he was telling me to slow down, to stop running from my fears. In that moment I was too stunned to say anything but the more that time passed, the angrier I felt. My feelings were piling on top of each other until I could no longer see the top. It was floor to ceiling rage and I could only see red. What does he know about me? What does anyone know about the countless wars I face day in, day out? Had they known that I was facing an enemy as formidable as fate, would they be able to say the same? I was aware of my own hypocrisy as he only returned the words of comfort I had offered him however, that didn't do anything to stop me from unjustly blaming him.

It was no doubt thanks to the nightmares I had last night, but I couldn't stop the misplaced anger from taking form. Deep down I knew well enough how to tell the difference between sincerity and insincerity, but I chose to turn away from it. Knowing that everyone had been trying to help me would not be enough to calm my illogical thoughts. Overthinking was my day job and I was too much of a perfectionist to put anything but my all into it. Once more I felt undermined in my feelings. Constantly trying to stay alive should have been an accomplishment in itself but if I'm told to slow down, what would I have left? The moment I allow myself to take a break, my active will to escape kicks in. It brings me to my knees until I am begging for release. There was no choice but to keep going, time would not wait for anyone and it does not discriminate. Most of all, I was angry at how easily words of comfort would leave their mouths as though happiness was such an easy concept to grasp. Happiness was not something I could simply choose when I willed it, yet at times they would portray it as such. Why would they make me drink delusions I cannot intoxicate myself in?

Though I found some release in my aching muscles, as the lesson had come to an end, my thoughts were rushing back at full speed. I needed to let this emotion out before it took on a more sinister form, but that would mean having the eyes of others on me. Regardless of what I needed, I knew that everything was limited. I could only act in ways that would be beneficial to me. Worried about my reputation plummeting, how people saw me would always hold more value than how I felt. So, as always, I held it all in. My emotions were trash that I would have to hold on to until they could be safely discarded. As I was walking towards where I would be meeting up with my brother for lunch, my anger was refusing to subside. I bit down on my lower lip until blood was beginning to pool in my mouth but that only provided me with momentary peace. As the pain began to lessen, or rather as I got used to it, I began biting down harder just to provide me with an outlet. 

While I was preoccupied in my own thoughts, out of nowhere I felt my wrist being grabbed as I was being dragged somewhere. I knew from the back of his head who it was, pink hair wasn't all that common on guys. As he entered an empty classroom, he yanked me inside with him and slammed the door behind me. Unsure of why he was angry at me, in retaliation my own anger was now being directed at him. 

"What's with you?!" Theodore yells, not making it clear what he was talking about. 

"What? Why are you picking a fight with me?" I spat back, not at all intimidated by him towering over me. 

He sighs. "I don't know what's wrong with you, and quite frankly I don't care, but what are people going to say if the Duke's daughter walks around with a bloody lip and murderous aura?" 

"Ah, people" I repeat quietly before laughing at myself for even slightly entertaining the thought that he would be angry for me, rather than at me. I hated the fact that I had hoped for him to help me, for being dependent on others once again. This was the guy I actively disliked and yet I was expecting warmth from him... it was a pitiful state I had found myself in.

"It's none of your business what people say about me." My anger had reached its peak and now I was left with nothing. Just as my emotions disappear when I'm dangerously upset, my mind registered my anger as a threat to my safety. My emotions had switched off. He noticed the change as it seemed to anger him more, but I no longer felt anything towards that scowling face. There was a barrier between the two of us that not even I could break. I learnt long ago that dissociation eventually leaves you begging to come back, but it doesn't welcome you until it wants. It would steal my feelings and leave me starving until it was bored enough to return what was rightfully mine.

"If you care about those around you, you should be more concerned about your reputation!" His voice was authoritative and loud. Though his words were simple enough, I was struggling to comprehend them.

Why was he scolding me? What right did he have? Absolutely none. Yet here he was, chest puffed with pride as he told me how I should behave. It was annoying that somehow everyone felt entitled to comment on everything, right down to how I express myself. In a way, I belonged to everyone but myself. I had no right to do anything besides what people expected of me. But even in my annoyance, I felt only emptiness. 

"Since when did you care about those around me?" The moment I had finished speaking, it dawned on me. He must have already fallen for Elina. It had only been one lesson of them being together but who was I to question it? Did romance in plots ever make complete sense? Although I had worked tirelessly to change my own fate, changing his love for Elina was not something I ever concerned myself with. It was irrelevant to me who was busy enough trying to survive the next four months. That wasn't going to change now. I still didn't care about who he was interested in and who he disliked, but the fact that he was yelling at me for someone else was irritating. It was clawing at me and making me feel uncomfortable in my own skin, the discomfort akin to hundreds of insects crawling on me. 

"That's not what I meant..." Though he began in a loud voice, by the end it was little more than a murmur. I knew he felt uncomfortable but I refused to speak until he clarified for himself what he meant. This wasn't a game of pass, I wasn't going to ask him what he meant. After a moment he realised that I was still waiting for him to continue, my eyebrow raised.

"Just tell me why you're angry", he sighs again, as though it was physically exhausting speaking to me. Was he not the one that demanded a conversation from me? Why then was I being treated as though I was begging for his presence?

"Didn't you say you don't care?" My childishness was coming out on full display. Somewhat embarrassed at how I seemed to be complaining about the lack of attention he was giving me, I turned my head to the side to avoid his gaze. "Not that it matters" I add as a spiteful remark. 

With his fingers on my chin, he returned my head to its original position to maintain eye contact. 

"Do you want me to care?" 

Inwardly I was glad that my face was expressionless because I wasn't even sure what the answer to that question was. I wanted someone to care but did I want him to be one of those people? Did I care enough about him and what he thought of me? Incapable of both agreeing and disagreeing, I tightly closed my mouth until I could taste fresh blood painting my tongue. Seeing this, he began to step closer even though we were only a few steps apart. The longer I held my silence, the closer he came, seemingly challenging me. Although he hadn't intimated me when he was yelling, his silent approach was clearly more effective. My heart was pounding as my mind was swirling around trying to find a way to get out of this situation.

"I don't give a damn what you do." I answered quickly, hoping that he would finally stop encroaching on my personal space. The words sound like a lie, even to my ears. Looking at his face I could tell that he thought the same. I was trying to quickly come up with something to say, anything to not sound so childishly defensive. My thoughts came to a halt when the thumb on my chin began to gently pull down on my skin, putting my tightened lips back in their original position.

I couldn't think. I couldn't even move. Every part of my being was paying attention to his fingers on my face, the warmth of his face that was slowly spreading over me and eventually the feeling of his soft lips pressed on mine. The entire moment only lasted a few seconds but it felt like it lasted hours, with me paying attention to every little detail. Every move he made, from the slight tensing of his fingers on my skin to the uncertainty in his awkward movements, was being registered in my mind. As he pulled away, I could see the faint splash on red from my mouth tinting his lips.

"You shouldn't give a damn about that either", he spoke neither too quietly nor too loud. Although it was hard to pinpoint why I felt uncomfortable at his words, I could tell that part of it was because he seemed frustrated. Frustrated at what? I'm not sure, but I felt guilt twisting my stomach. The moment he finished speaking, he opened the door behind me and left, without sparing a glance in my direction. How many times would he surprise me in one day? I was beginning to lose count.