Chapter 26 - Hate is too strong of a word

"What's wrong with your face?"

I take in a deep breath and attempt to smile through clenched jaws. "What a pleasant greeting, Mr. Vitalis. Is there something wrong with my face?"

"Yeah, why does it look like that?" Although everyone is trying their best to pretend to be unaware, their ears are turned towards us, seeking entertainment that I wasn't planning on providing.

I step closer to him, until we are almost touching but not quite. "I'm not in the mood for this today, so scram." I whisper into his ears.

Before I could move back on my own, Elina pulled me back by the wrist. "Don't get so close to him", she complained with pursed lips. Did she originally have something against him? Despite the fact that he and I didn't get along, she never openly expressed any dislike for him, or anyone for that matter. Regardless of how long I looked at her, wanting her to elaborate, she refused to do so. I guess she's just being a good friend, but I couldn't fight the feeling that it didn't align with the kind of person she was. Regardless, it was none of my business what she thought of others.

"Let me talk to you for a second." Theodore offered his hand, breaking me away from my thoughts.

"Lead the way." I rejected his hand, choosing to follow from behind him rather than being side by side. His hand wasn't all that large, but I felt like the moment it touched me, I would be crushed. Once we were outside the room, he continued to walk ahead of me, until he found a place to talk without too many spectators. He turns around and looks at me.

"What's wrong?", he asks with an emotionless face.

"What's it to you?", I match his expression.

"Look..." he huffs. "Don't get me wrong, I still don't like you. But I'm not horrible enough to ignore a sick classmate, so just tell me what's wrong."

"..." It was hard to find any way to respond. This was probably the first time we had spoken normally, so I didn't know what to say. "I don't feel well. I'm not sick though, so it's fine."

When I was done talking, he stepped forward and pressed a hand against my forehead. "Hmm, you don't seem to have a temperature."

Just as he had stepped forward, I took a step back. "I'm just in a bad mood, that's all. You don't need to be concerned."

He raised an eyebrow, seemingly questioning something. With a curious gaze, he began walking towards me. Once again, I began walking backwards. The closer he moved in, the farther I moved out. I was working hard to maintain the same distance between us, treating us like parallel lines, hoping we never cross. But of course, that was too large of a wish to come true. I found my back pressed against the wall as he closed in until we were almost touching, still looking at my face.

For a moment there was silence, where neither of us spoke. My ears were filled with the sound of both of our breaths overlapping, the hum of students having disappeared to meet their new classmates.

"Do you hate me?" It was a sudden question. Hate too strong of a word for me to feel comfortable using. I tilt my head up to make eye contact, wanting to show my sincerity.

"I don't hate anyone." After another few seconds of silence I decide to continue. "But I dislike you as much as you dislike me."

"Is that why you rejected the proposal from my family?" Although I should be focusing on his words, I was more focused on the fact that he had moved his hand to my back, holding me in place until I answered all of his questions.

"Did you want me to accept it?" I ask, knowing full well he didn't.

"Of course not. Though I would be interested in knowing why you didn't reject the next heir of the Slater family. What did they offer that we didn't?"

"A suitor I wasn't already on bad terms with." I quickly retorted.

"You'd choose a stranger over someone you dislike?"

"No. I'd choose a stranger over you." Though he said nothing in response, I could feel the hand on my lower back tensing up. "I told you already, I'm in a bad mood. Can we do this another day?" I sigh, tired of having to deal with him so early in the morning.

Instead of stepping back, he pulled me so that there was no space between us. With his head on my shoulder he whispered "get well soon", before finally walking away and leaving me space to breathe.

I was bewildered. What had just happened? My anxiety began sky rocketing. I quickly bent over, placing my hands on my knees while taking deep breaths. I could feel an anxiety attack coming on but I didn't want it to. I wanted to be able to control it, just once, just today. As I remained in that position taking deep, shaky breaths, I was quickly realising that it wasn't enough. I was needing more and more air, my breathing speeding up until my body was choking on emotions. I began coughing so hard, and so quickly that I was gagging. The feeling of suffocation was refusing to go away. As I slid down the wall until I was sitting on the ground, I dug my palm into my chest, begging my heart to calm down. I clenched my teeth to hold in my tears, I was just so damn tired of being weak.

Does it make sense for a dream to have such a tight leash around my neck? I search my blazer pockets and take out my medicine to swallow with water. As it travelled down my throat I felt irritated, wanting to tear my throat out. Having to rely on medication to feel okay, was potentially more pitiful than any of the events that made me take the medication to begin with. How does a 'normal' person feel? Is happiness all around for everyone but me? At the end of my anxiety, I found sadness so deep that I could not see to the bottom. I was just born to suffer. Whether in this world, or the last, I was the outsider. Uncomfortable anywhere I went, even in my own skin, I wonder what why I'm struggling like this.

Lessons had started but I couldn't find the will to move. I remained seated, waiting to feel better, or maybe to feel empty. I could hear the muffled voices of teachers introducing themselves seeping through the doors of the corridor. This might have been the first time since coming here where I felt I truly had space to breathe. There was not a single person here, only me and the faint voices I could hear. I slowly lay down in a fetal position on the ground and blanketed myself with my thoughts. I cannot help but feel as though by making myself feel empty, I am making others feel full. I cannot help but think that my lack of happiness will make others happy. I cannot help but feel confused by this idea, this idea of others only being happy at my expense. I do not know when others began to be of more value than me, or when their lives became more important than mine. As I continue to think, butterflies in my stomach are trying to escape because they can no longer deal with the acid burn. I would fight against them but I have lost the strength to do so. What right do I have to stop these things from coming in and out of me when I am only a shell of a human, an abandoned house, a city still recovering from the aftermath of a civil war?

As I continued to lay down, I could hear rain falling on the rooftop. The pitter patter of the rain that always accepts me, that cannot help clinging to me. Before I could get up to take a walk in the rain and wash off this feeling that sticks to me like tar, slow footsteps approached me and stopped a few steps away from my head.

"What are you doing?" asked the voice from somewhere above me.

I turn around so that I am looking up at Theodore who is giving me a perplexed look. "You know what?", I ask for no reason, other than to be heard by someone but myself.

"What?"

"I'm tired of apologising for how I feel."

He crouches down so his face is only a few inches above mine. "Then don't apologise", he replies with a serious tone.

"Mhm~" I hum in response.

I suddenly feel so much more serene. It's been a while since I've felt this at peace. Nothing has happened but the rain has a way of calming me down. I suppose it also has to do with all of the times I've let out my emotions recently, but this cool breeze always makes me feel like everything is going to be okay. It will carry me to my happily ever after, and everything else is just a bump in the road. I'll trust it again because I always give people way too many chances. Feeling slightly better, I turn my attention to Theodore.

"What are you doing here?"

He remains in a crouched position above me. "The teacher told me to come get you, since I was the last person to see you."

"Let me stay here for another couple of minutes?" I ask, too comfortable to move.

He doesn't respond, merely stands up and leans against the wall. I knew he was going to wait until I was ready to leave, but he didn't want to admit it. It was childish but that made it somewhat cute.

"Thanks", I smiled, though I knew I wouldn't be getting a response.

After a couple of minutes of comfortable silence I started to get up. Without a word, Theodore began walking a step ahead of me as if he hadn't just been waiting for me. Upon entering the classroom I immediately drew the attention of the teacher.

"Why are you late to your first lesson?!"

I was getting ready to apologise just to get out of it, but Theodore answered for me.

"She wasn't feeling well so she needed to rest. If you need, you can ask her doctor for confirmation." Everything about how he spoke and who he was as a person, was straight-foward. While Nicholas was playful and Helios was calculating, Theodore was upfront about everything. Though at times it's a good trait to have, it's also one of the reasons we don't get along.

"Fine. Both of you, get back to your seats."

Was today going to leave me feeling hopeful or broken? I guess I'd just have to find out.