Chapter 25 - Fated Classmates
It was a rough morning, attempting to get myself dressed while in a sleepy state. I contemplated missing the first day, wanting to run away from it all, but I knew that would do me no good. The longer I ran away from it, the harder it would be to come back. I couldn't run away forever. So, with baggy eyes, I polished myself up to try and look presentable. After I left and met up with Elina, we walked together to attend our classes. Each step was heavy, with fatigue clinging to my bones. I was dragging my body with all the strength I could muster and I could feel the backs of my knees straining under the effort.
It was tiring to put on a smile but it would have been more tiring to speak about what was wrong, or to recall my dreams which were excruciatingly detailed. I felt like I was walking on this ice, any moment it would break and I would find myself drowning. On edge with even Elina who I was extremely close to, afraid that without my control I would hurt her and things would spiral out of control. Afraid that fate would take its path and refuse to let me change tracks. I was slowly spiralling and there was nothing to hold on to. The world was sucking me in, trying to hold my feet in position while I continued to yank myself towards our destination. As we had just passed the entrance gates, I heard someone calling from behind.
"Morning babe" Nicholas greeted me enthusiastically, while slinging an arm over my shoulder.
I instantly recoiled, reminded of my nightmare. Though he had done nothing wrong, I was scared of him. I was both worried for my safety and filled with guilt for behaving this way towards someone who had done no wrong. It made no sense, nothing ever did. I knew it was only a dream but I was overly aware of the fact that it was, in a way, also reality. At any moment, I could slip up and bring it to existence. This guy that I had felt at ease around, could at any point become the man who finds pleasure in my pain. I was helpless, desperation seeping out of every pore. It was just a dream. It was just a dream. It was just a dream. I recite it like a prayer to calm my nerves, but it's of no use. My rational side had lost today and left behind vulnerability I couldn't mask well enough to avoid. Once again, I found myself frozen in time. My mind had shut down and no longer knew what to do.
Nicholas and Elina were crowding around me. Although I knew they were concerned about me, their invasion of my personal space was not something I took well. My face instantly showed my discomfort and they were quick to respond by stepping back to instead carefully ask me questions.
"Seph... Are you okay?" Asks Elina gently, but I fail to answer. How would I answer when saying yes would be an obvious lie, but I refuse to say no?
"Persephone" Nicholas tries, standing in front of me, forcing me to look at him. "You're looking pale, what's wrong?"
That was a better question for some reason.
"Just tired." I mumble, but they both catch on to it as they're being extra attentive at the moment.
"Is that all?" Elina begins prodding to get to the root of the problem.
"Yeah. I had a bad dream so I ended up staying awake for the rest of the night. I'm just tired, don't worry." Though I wanted to sound reassuring and more like myself, I could hear how monotonous I was.
"Are you su-" Elina was abruptly interrupted by Nicholas before she could finish her question. On the one hand, I felt bad for her but on the other, I was glad that he did it. I wouldn't have wanted to answer her question so it was better for him to interrupt than for me to ignore her.
"You can try to take a short nap during lunch. If you don't feel well, make sure to go the health and wellbeing centre." He chooses to say as he speaks over her. It wasn't a question, he wasn't trying to force me to speak about what I didn't want to. It was either that or he didn't care enough since we aren't all that close. Regardless of the intention however, I was happy that the conversation seemed to have come to an end.
"Now then, rather than standing around, shall we head to the classroom?" There was a large smile on his face as he held on to the tips of my fingers and dragged me along with him, Elina close behind me.
Before entering the room I already knew that the main characters would be together. What better way to have Elina form a good relationship with them, right? My assumptions were confirmed once the three of us walked in and I saw Theodore, May and Charlotte. Regardless of their 'roles', I was pleased to see May and Charlotte as I considered them friends. Though we may not be extremely close, over the last two years, we had grown together. That feeling is hard to replace. There is no better way to understand someone than to have watched them grow up. That's how I knew with absolute certainty that these two were loving individuals. The reason why they were so drawn to Elina must be due to their similarities, their purity, kindness and sense of justice. I'm still not sure where I fit into this group. Neither considering myself good enough, nor feeling at ease. The part of me that is aware of their predestined friendship, tells me that I am an outsider, that I do not belong here. But is fate that great? Is it 'right' or 'perfect'? Was I born to be sacrificed for others and if so, what was so great about fate anyway? Struggling for so long to strengthen my familial ties, I had realised that from the moment that I woke up somewhere new, I was already in a war with fate. Giving up would mean dying but I was bent on survival.
As I was walking towards the two, my eyes met with Theodore's from over Charlotte's shoulder. The moment he saw me, he began scowling at me as a way of greeting. It was painful suppressing my will to go over and pick a fight, my distress suddenly turning to rage for an outlet, but I couldn't ruin my reputation so soon. The hard work I had put into how people looked at me, shouldn't be ruined by something so useless. Only I was aware of how gruelling it was to take the high road when I wanted nothing more than to retaliate. What was a facial expression anyway when I've heard terrible words spoken about me, curses so many in number that I cannot count them on the fingers of my two hands? Somewhere deep inside, I knew that it was only misplaced anger, that lashing out now wouldn't be fair to anyone. Knowing that, I chose to ignore him. Had things gone my way, that would have been the end of it. So why was he now approaching me with furrowed eyebrows? Surely it can't be that hard for me to have a moment of peace.
I clench my jaw to prepare for whatever irritating thing he's coming to say. But if I have to spend the next 4 months holding in my urge to pummel him, I'm not sure I'll survive.