Chapter 12- Unwavering anxiety

As the day of Adelphos' departure approached, we had become increasingly more friendly with one another. But that in itself created a new problem for me. I began to fear that once he would leave, I would be all alone again. I just cannot beat my anxiety no matter how hard I try. Adelphos and I had spent the last few days together as I trailed after him and helped him pack everything. We didn't even need to speak, simply being in his company was enough for me, and he seemed to feel the same though he would vehemently refuse upon question. 

After my mother passed away I decided never to love again. I had realised that everyone I loved would one day leave me, and I was too afraid to let anyone in again. Why then am I here yet again, faced with the same anxiety I tried to avoid? As my negative emotions began to take a hold of me I refused to leave my bed. Fatigued from the fight against myself, I couldn't bring myself to face the day so I hid in the safety of solitude. I'm unsure of where the day went, time flying by as I would drift in and out of sleep. But I woke up to Adelphos sitting on the bed beside me and the moon light casting a faint white light into my room. 

"Why are you here?" I ask, still half asleep. 

"I thought you might be unwell since you haven't left the room today. Have you even eaten? Are you sick? Did someone say anything to you or hurt you?" He continued to question me with a face that looked pained but I was still too tired to understand why he was asking so many questions. 

"I'm fine", I responded. "I just wanted to rest."

"Persephone, I know I haven't always been... fair to you. But I'm doing my best to be a brother you can rely on. I- I know you don't trust me and that we don't know each other all that well but..." His voice begins to waver as he shakily holds my hands gently in his.

"I can see that you're hiding something from me. You... seem to hide a lot. Like you're afraid of something. You don't need to tell me what it is, you can tell me whenever you want to but just know that you can rely on me."

He finally finished speaking and looked slightly shy, as he spoke awkwardly but tried his best to present an honest smile. I grip his hands holding mine and look into his eyes. 

"You say I'm afraid but you're the one that's shaking. I don't know why you're so worried about me today. Didn't we ignore each others existence until very recently? Why do you care about me?" Without my knowledge I began to raise my voice and my eyes began to well. 

I didn't meant to begin blaming him. Truthfully, I was happy with him showing genuine concern for me, even remorse for the past. Despite all of that, I found myself begin to direct my negativity his way. The more concern he showed, the more afraid I became, afraid of the hole he would leave behind as we grow older apart from one another. 

"I - I only wanted for us to be okay with each other. That's all I wanted. But why do you worry about me? Why do you treat me as though you're actually my brother? And why, why do I care so much about you?!" I let go of his hands to wipe my eyes and cover my face in shame. Even in my anger, I knew that this was misplaced. 

"I'm sorry, I'm not feeling well. Can you leave me alone?"

He hesitates for a while before slowly getting up and walking to the door. "If you need anything, let me know", he speaks quietly into the emptiness before walking out of the door. 

I let out the breath I didn't know I was holding, before laying back down and hugging my knees to my chest. I just wish I could stop existing. There is no better way to explain exactly how I feel. Not enough words to explain how I feel. I am afraid of what existing would mean. I am afraid of every passing day, every passing minute. I cannot will time to stop and I am afraid of this lack of control. I cannot do anything except watch myself get swept away into something I am unsure of.

How I ever thought I could bring myself happiness is beyond me. Happiness isn't something I can just grasp with effort and I think it's finally come crashing back down. How could a few days of happiness signify a change? I am walking closer and closer to my doom and yet I cannot do anything about it. I am walking with no control over my own legs. I am anxiety screaming at myself to stop while my legs continue to move. I am anxiety. It is so deep rooted in me that I do not know who I am. I am only this constant fear living in me that I cannot shake off. What am I even so afraid of?  I suppose I am afraid of everything. I am afraid of my very own existence and what that would mean.

My existence is bound to be a disappointment, I cannot ever become what is expected of me and yet I cannot stop. I must continue and live this out. I know the end and yet I must keep going. I must see this through and reach my doom, my eventual downfall. I am failure and I cannot stop it. Arms out in front of me, asking for an end, for it to just stop, while I continue to walk closer to wall that separates who I am from who I should be. 

I am two minds in one body. While one is aware that I am being irrational and that happiness is attainable, the other is telling me that my fate is written in stone and no struggle can change that. There are only less than two weeks left until he leaves and then what would I do? I resolved to getting on his good side but do I have any other goal? How do I spend my time with just myself. I'm fearing my own mind again. 

Bad habits do not tire, they do not sleep. I throw them in the middle of nowhere but it is only me getting lost. I take away their medication and it is only me getting sick. And I am sick. I find myself - yet again - laying in bed with no one by my side, with no one telling me to get well soon. With no one holding me together while I fall apart. But I have no one but myself to blame for always pushing everyone away. I am so afraid of people betraying me that I choose to live this life of loneliness. How can anyone hurt me if I don't let them in? But in doing so, am I sabotaging my chances at happiness? Again, a question I am unable to answer.